From
DAVID HIGHAM ASSOCIATES
76 DEAN STREET, SOHO
LIMITED
LONDON, W.1
JANET
Maurice: Rowdon


Rigen
JANE
Ronodor
Prealie
ANET
She stood at the window, wondering suddenly how her life
had arrived at this point. Clean sunlight poured into the
room. She had a duster in'her hand---idiotic thing! She
always dusted when she. was,troubled. She went vaguely from
one bit of furniture to the other rubbing, not knowing what she
was doing, only wanting to-get rid of something. She'd got rid
of nothing over the last ten years: everything stuck close to
her and refused to budge; the furntiure seemed screwed to the
floor, immovable for ever. The sunlight was nice. It made
her feel clear. But it was clarity that brought her these fears,
as if her life would never move again. It had been so long!
And he didn't seem to notice it. But he did. Just like a
man, she thought. Or rather, just like all the men she knew.
She refused to believe that men must be like that, or always
were. He said nothing. Only she saw the flicker of awareness
in his eyes---a faint tremor of the eyelashes sometimes---when
he was getting réady for bed, or moved across the room to turn
off the television, -still crouched from his position in the
chair, as if standing upright was uneconomical for that sh ort
distance.
She turned and looked at the television set with its lace


cover on top and thé pot of flowers. How horrible everything
was, really. There was the upright piano neither of them used,
which the children banged on now and then. There were ornaments
stuck on the wall---dolphins made of brass which she had to clean
every week, and an odd half-boat sort of thing with masts like
little matchstioks. And the persian carpet which wasn't persian.
1ight
The mirror over the mantelpieoe---much-too big. And the sunxhine
making it all looked fixed and shiny 11ke things in an exhibition.
Yet she'd bought it all. With Ralph. God knew where their eyes
had been! They used to do things ina daze at that time. He
still did. Whereas sheta changed, or at least she thought so.
9 Why didn't he stretoh himself full height when he walked across
the room to switoh the volume up or "gèt a better 'definition' as
he called it? He always had to bow---thère seemed some weight
bowing him down all the time.
She'd tried to do Bomething about this room recently---
oovered one wall with a thick-striped wallpaper with an Edward-
ian lavishness about it, and had the other three wêlls distempered
a pleasant dové-grey. Everybody was doing it now. And fitted :
darpets if you could afford it. Your lights hanging in baekets.
Ruth-and Jack---who set the toné for her and half a dozen other
people looally, as she suddenly realised---had parquet flooring
in their sitting room and one antiquepiece, a sideboard, against
Ruth
the wall; everything else modern. Compared with thet 4 little
yru
her
house, where OFO felt strangely free, SDnOs place was a junkshop
of faded pre-war taste. How could she get rid of it? She
looked round in a moment of panio, at the deep armohairs with
their flower-printed pile---they were like awful old ships float-
ing in oésspoolsor carpet! She must talk to Ralph tonight.


They oould sell them. Well, théy couldn*t. You wouldn't get
a smile for . them. They could buy some new ones on the never-
never---those heart-shâped things with iron legs that looked as
if you couldn't sit in them a and gave you a pleasant surprisé
when you did.
She felt she was getting nervous and deliberately calmed
herself. She hoped Tim wasn't going to be the nervous sort.
He---looked at her too much, with his great, delioately wonder-
ing eyes. He seemed to follow évery,mood she had. Too much-ad
for six years of age. Elizabeth and Mary, apart from being a
good bit older, were girls. They could look after themselves.
Tim seemed to be wondering what sort of life he was going to haven
with his little soul. And so wes she wondering, too. Perhaps
he knew, with his little wondering mind, that everything was in
balance at the moment. New dedisions were in the air. But
what, exaotly? She was glad her thoughts weren't aloud, or
written down for Ralph to see. He would come in at séven that
evening---to be exact, at seven-fourteen, because it took him
eight minutes to walk from the station, except Fridays when he
was twice as long because he stopped at the newsagent GRR fetoh
her magazines and pay the week's bill---and by that time she had
the children ready for bed. What 'decisions' could there be in
that?
The little road outside was neat and deserted. Opposi te
there were. other bungalows---or semi-bungalowe like hers, with
a bedroom and, tiny ba throom cut into the roof upstairs like an
attic. They were nicely designed. The lampposts outside were
gay. Most of the houses had lawns and a few young saplings.
They weren't uniform. The road ourved and disappeared into
a copse of young trees. Beyond that there was sorappy co untry


side, nibbled at évery yéar by a new factory or # broiler-house
establiehment, but very gradually, as if they were ashamed to rip
up the trees in one go and pour cement everywhere.
This little estate was modern, at least. Her sitting-room
wi ndow was one pane, ocoupying nearly thu whole wall. The people'
opposite had a thing called a mobile hanging from the ceiling which
looked ridiculous but it helped them stiok their noses up a bit
higher.
That was what kept Janet going on rainy days--eits being modern.
The place didn't quite belong anywhere. Above all, it didn't
belong to Pyfield Green, which was about.the most hideous little
town God nad éver created. She oould hardly bear to say the
name. She and Ruth set their teeth against shopping there.
They took the bus to Chatsdowne, or she drove Ruth there, espec-
ially when Jack was away on some economic mission. Economics!
She'd always thought it ridiculous for a man like Jack with his
thick, black hair and his soft and olivey skin, like a beautiful
Italian, to be in economics. Raplph didn't thinkfso. He
didn't see why an economist shouldn't be goodlooking. But she
did. And Jack sucked at his pipé in such a silly way. He :
ought to be a oapptain of some kind---of a ship or aeroplahe.
But all he did was doodle with figurés and look mysterious when
the other men talked about exports and. - taxes and 'getting into
Europe' and that Bort of. thing. They all respected him. An
invitation from Jack was a big thing. Ralph got touchy if one
didn't come round once a month or 80. Jack was the *firebrand',
He was going to be a big man some day, they said.
And it was a thrill being invited there. She liked the
long thin candles in their. Swedish-wood holders, and the oheck
tableoloths that were supposed to come from Austria. She liked


the exaot way they did everything: Jack gave you just enough
gin to gét you. happy, and dinner was finished off with coffee and
the best brandy, though it made her sleepless afterwards (it
seemed to boil inside her). Whereas Jim Bernes---ferretty Jim,
as she called him, because of the way he looked at her hips, with
his dark, narrow, vague eyes---got you laced before the dinner was
even cooked and seemed to think you could kéep going on his dirty
jokes. * And then there was usually a petty argument between the
men, which made her feel more, wasted than éver afterwards, her
whole life a desert of irrelevanoies.
Television-eveings---when they usied to sit and gawp over each
other's television sets---were out now. *Dinner' was the thing.
They all invited each other to dinner. It had oome in with cars--
or rather, with new cars, because they'a all had second-hand ones
at one time., Or else they went into Chatsdowne- to the olub and
took a table for six or eight or sometimes ten. That was jolly.
There was a bit of dancing, in a sort of oircus-ring among the
tables. The lights were low. Before, life had been a morgue.
Ralph wouldn't even have joined the club if she hadn't forced the
issue in collusion with Ruth. Jack had been against it, too--
no doubt thinking of the higher economic Bealities.
What could she have dane without Ruth? They had the same
hates. That was nice. But not the same wants, perhaps: Ruth
gave hér a mildly estranged look sometimes. She thought Janet
too oritical, perhaps---a burden for poor old Ralph. * Janet cut
across the men's conversation too muoh; Ruth always said, "They,
Janet
know about their own jobs, at least!" 8he had a way of offend-
ing them. She leaned across the table with.her chin pushed
forward and Raplph would sey with a smile, "Watch out, boys,
here. she comes : n


Ruth was contented---that was the difference butteen them.
She was really happy to stay in her modern little aitting room
all day, where there was so much light and space; she was really
disappointed when her girls, Sonya and Ca therine, started going to
sohool and learning neat habits (Montesogri method),, and reduced
her housework by haltf) She was the ruminating. kind: her oheeks
were hard and ruddy, flushed with health, her bosom oried out for
more children---and wouldn't you just imagine, Janet thought, that
she'd cook the most delicious meals with apparently no effott at
all, sitting six or eight at her table and looking as fresh as
farm hay all the time? Ruth wasn't oritioal. She simply had
the life she wanted. She didn't stand and think all the time.,
She ohanged things, subtly and quietly. She'd ohanged Jaok.
Of course, Jack had been to high school and Rapph hadn't. But
that wasn't thè reasons Ruth made her own home. *And I',
Janet thought, 'talk and make a lot of fuss round myself, and
do nothing.'
She always felt swindled by Jack. He would sit at the
head of the Swedish egg-shaped table on his Swedish-designed chair
and cup his hands. together, his black eyes peering through the
Swedish candlelight---his face was so beautiful! : Yet it had
nothing behind it but averages and so many pounds sterling per
capita and that sort of thing. At least Jim didn't make her
feel cheated, with his smutty little mind and the. way he made
poor Hilda dress in silk blouses up to her ohin in base she,
showed anything.
But Jack knew hot to do things. He kne W how to dress.
He always came back from abroad with a new suit or a nice tie
or a pair of shoes that had Bomething different about them.
Whereas Ralph had been wearing the same jacket sinoe the man at


J A N ET
A Novel
Maurice Rowdon


She stood at the window, wondering suddenly how her life
had arrived at this point. ciean sunlight poured into the
room. She had a duster in her hand---idiotic thing! She
always dusted when she was, troubled. She went vaguely from
one bit of furniture to the other rubbing, not knowing what she
was doing, only wanting to get rid of something. She'a got rid
of nothing over the last ten years : everything stuok close to
her and refused to budge; the furntiure seemed sorewed to the
floor, immovable for éver. The sunlight was nioe. It made
her feel clear. But it was olarity that brought her these fears,
as. if her life would never move again. It had been so long!
And he didn't seem to_notice it. But he did. Just like a
man, she thought. Or rather, just 1ike all the men : she knew.
She refused to believe that men must be like that, or always
were. He sa 1d nothing. Only she saw the flicker of awareness
in his oyes-a faint tremor of the eyelashes sometimes---when
he was getting ready for bed, or moved across the room to turn
off the television, still crouched from his position in thè
chair, as if standing upright was uneconomioal for that short
distance.
She turned and looked at the television set with its lace -


oover on top and the pot of flowers. How horrible everything
was, really. There was, the upright piano neither of them used,
which the children banged on now and then. There were ornaments
stuck on the wall---dolphins made of brass which she had to clean
every week, and an odd half-boat sort of thing with masts like
little matchsticks. And the persian carpet which wasn't persian.
light
The mirror over the mantelpiece---much too big. And the sunxktne
making it all looked fixed and shiny like things in an exhibition.
Yet she'd bought it all. With Ralph. God knew where their eyes
had been't They used to do things in a daze at that time. He
still did. Whereas she'd changed, or at least she thought sos
Why didn't he stretch himself full height when he walked across
Silah 7
the room to switch the volume up or gét a better 'definition' as
he called it. Hè always had to bow---there seemed some weight
bowing him' down all the timé.
She'd tried to do something about this room recently---
covered one wall with a thiok-striped wallpaper with an Edward-
ian lavishness about it, and had the other three walls distempered
a pleasant dove-grey. Everybody was doing it now. And fitted
carpets 1f you could afford it. Your' lights hanging in baskets.
Ruth and Jack---who set the tone for her and half a dozen other
people locally; as she suddenly realised---had parquet flooring
in their sitting room and one antiguepiece, a sideboard, against
Ruthis
the wall; everything else modern. Compared with thetr little
yuu
Rer
house, where one felt strangely free, Jemetis place was a junkshop
of faded pre-war taste. How could she get rid of it? She
looked round in a moment of panio, at the deep armohairs with
their flower-printed pile---they were like awful old ships float-
ing in oesspoolsof oarpet! She must talk to Ralph tonight.


They could sell them. Well, they couldn't. You wouldn't.get
a smile for them. They could buy some new ones on the néver-
never---those heart-shaped things with : iron legs that looked as
if you couldn't sit in them atall and gave you a pleasant surprise
when you did.
She felt she was getting nervous and delibérately calmed
herself. She hoped Tim wasn't going to be the nervous sort.
He---looked at her too much, with his great, delioately wonder-
ing eyes. He seemed to follow every mood she had. Too much---
for six years of age. Elizabeth and Mary, apart from being a
good bit'older, were girls. They could look after themselves.
Tim seemed to be wondering what sort of life he was going to hav em
with his little soul. And so" was she wondering, too. Perhaps
he knew, with his little wondering mind, that everything was in
balance at the moment. - New decisions were in the air. But
what, exactly? She was glad her thoughts weren't aloud, or
written down for Ralph to. see. He would come in at séven that
evening---to be exact, at' sevên-fourtéen, because it took him
eight minutes to walk from the station, except Fridays when he
was twice as long because he stopped at the newsagent and fetoh
her magazines and pay the week's bill---and by that time she had
the children rèady for bed. What 'decisions' could there be in -
that?
The little road outside was neat and déserted. Opposi te
there weré other bungalows---or semi-bungalows liké hers, with
a bedroom and tiny ba throom cut into the roof upstairs like an
attic. They were nicely designed.. The lampposts outside were
gey. Most of thé houses had lawns and a few young saplings.
They weren't uniform. The road ourved and disappeared into
a copse of young trees. Beyond that there was scrappy CO untry -


side, nibbled at every year by a new factory or y broiler-house
establishment, but very gradually, as if they were ashamed to rip
up the trees in one go and pour cement everywheré.
This little estate was modern, at least. Her sitting-room
wi ndow was one pane, occupying nearly thw whole'wall. The, pe ople
opposite had a. thing called a mobile hanging from the ceiling which
looked ridiculous but it helped them stick their noses up a bit
higher..
That was what kept Janet going on rainy days---its being modern.
The place didn't quite belong anywhere. Above all, it didn't
belong to Pyfield Green, which was about the most hideous little
town God.pad ever created. She could hardly bear to say the
name a She and Ruth set their teeth against shopping there.
Théy took the bus to Chatsdowne, or she drove Ruth there, espec-
1ally when Jack was away on some economic missicn. Economios!
She'd always thought it ridiculous for a man like Jack with his
5 thicko blaok hair and his soft and olivey skin, like a beautiful
Italian, to be in economics. Raplph didn't thinkf so. He
didn't see why an economist shouldn't be g oodlooking. But she
did. And Jack sucked at his pipe in such a silly way. He
ought to be a capatain of some kind---of a ship or aeroplahe.
But all he did was doodle with figures and look mysterious when
the other men talked about exports and taxes and 'getting into
Europe' and that sort of thing. They all respected him. An
invitation from Jack was a big thing. Ralph got touchy 1f one
didn't come round once a month or so. Jack was the 'firebrand',
He was going to be a big man some day, they said.
And it was a thrill being invited there.. She liked the
long thin candles in their Swedish-wood holders, and the check
tablecloths that were supposed to come from Austria. She liked


the. exact way they did everything: Jack gave you just enough
gin to get you happy, and dinner was finished off with coffee and
thé bést brandy, though it made her sleépless afterwards (it
seemed to boil inside her). Whereas Jim Bernes---ferretty Jim,
as she called him, because of the way he looked at her hips, with
'his dark, narrow,-1 vague eyes---got you laced before the dinner was
éven cooked and seemed to think you could keep going on his dirty
jokes.. And then there was usually a pétty argument between the
men, whioh made her feel more wasted than ever afterwards, her
whole life a desert of irrelevancies.
Television-eveings---when they used to sit and gawp over éach
other's television sets---were out now: *Dinner' was the thing:
They.all invited each other to dinner: It had come in with cars--.
or rather, with new cars, because they'd all had second-hand ones
at one time. Or else they went into Chatsdowne to the olub and
took a table for six or eight or sometimes ten. That, was jolly.
There was a bit of dancing, in a sort of circus-ring among the
tables. The lights were low. Before; life had been a morgue -
Ralph wouldn't even have joined the olub if she hadn't forced the
issue in collusion with Ruth. - Jack had been against it, too--
no doubt thinking of the higher economic mealities.
What dould she have done without Ruth? They had the same
hates. That was nice. But not the same wants, perhaps: Ruth
gave her a mildly estranged look sometimes. d She thought Janet
too critical, perhaps---a burden for poor old Ralph. Janet cut
across the men's conversation too much; Ruth always said, # They
Janet
know about their own jobs; at least!" she had a. way of offend-
ing them. She leaned across thé table with.her chin pushed -
forward and Raplph would say with a smile, "Watch out, boys,
here she comes. #


Ruth was contented---that was the difference butteen them.
She was really happy to stay in her modern little sitting room
all day, where there was so much light and space; she was réally
disappointed when her girls, Sonya and Cat therine, starged g oing to
sohool and learning neat habits (Montesoori method), and reduced
her housework by haltf She-was thé ruminating kind: her cheeks.
were hard and ruddy, flushed with health, her bosom oried out for
more children---and wouldn't you just "imagine, Janet thought, that
she'd cook the most delicious meals with apperently no effott at
all, sitting six or eight at her table and looking as fresh as
farm hay all the time? Ruth wasn't critioal. She simply had
thé life shé wanted. She didn't stand and think all the time. -
She changed things, subtly and quietlys She'd ohanged Jack.
of course, Jack had been to high school and Rapph hadn't. But
that wasn't the reason. Ruth made hér own home : 'And I',
Janet thought, 'talk and make a lot of fuss round myself, and
do nothing.'
She always felt swindled by Jacks. He would sit at the . +
head. of the Swedish. egg-shaped table on his Swedish-designed chair
and cup his hands together, his black eyes péering through the
Swedish candlelight---his face was so beautiful! Yet it had
nothing behind it but averages and so' many pounds sterling per
capita and that sort of thing. At least Jim didn't make her
fèel cheated, with his smutty little mind and the way he made
poor Hilda dress in silk blouses up to her chin incasé she
showed anything.
But Jack knew hot to do things. He kne W. how to dress.'
He always came back from abroad with a new suit or a nice tie
or a pair of shoes that had S omething different about them.
Whereas Ralph had been wearing the same jacket since the man at.


Hrmm V m L lach
the stores had buttoned
# five yéars ago, and as for
his shoes she knew a. minute ahead of time that he was coming home
by the creak. Then he went in for what he called his sports-
jacket on the week-ends. It-sat on his shoulders like a sent-of
sickly green skin that he felt he oouldn't peel off. It also :
stank : of his'horrible cigarettes, with that nasty sulphurous smell
that permeated his. skin and sweat and breath. At Ruth's the
bathroom always smelled of - a nice.eau'de cologne which she took to
be Jack*s. Or perhaps it was after-shave. Jack sucked a pipé,
yes, but it didn't permeate hims And Jack seemed proud of his
body. Not proud exactly in a swanking way, but he fitted int o
it. He didn't sit-all orumpled up and screw his legs round each
other and duck his.-head when he walked.along as if he was expeo'ting
to gét it.choppe d off. But that was hér husband---who should be
the stéadiness of her life? He shuffled, almost fell, along the
street. : He blinked his eyes in confusion. Yet he wasgood-
looking basddaaly. He had strong shoulders and a lire d, firm
face, and thick hairi He knew how to stir her but it was a bit---
sumreptitious. They'd married ten years ago almost exactly.
He td beenso open then. - A boy, really.. Or had he? Was it
simply that she had changed in thé meantime?
As for the suit he went to work in, she couldn't even bring
her: mind to think of it. She hated it so virulently that she
had to maké an effort not to scream sometimes at -the breakfast
table. A dirty, shapeless pinstripe* as he called it, and how
stick-
the word made her writhe: a drab sack with his shoulders ****
ing out of it miserably, to rob his figure of whatever it had
in its natural state, and the trousers billowing out like a
pair of sailor's bell bottoms. And thé waist cut in tight like
a little boy's first suit, and too sh ort, but not too short like


some of . the fashionable cuts, so that you could see abit of
tight behind, oh no, just short enough to give you a : view of the
big flapping sail! She wanted to laugh. Then she wanted to
cry. : Why did she let it burden her like this?. Why didn't she
tear the horrible thing off his shoulders and bury it? But all
she did was not sit down at breakfast with him any more. She
got him his eggs and bac on and toast standing up, pretending to
get things ready for the children. And then she breakfasted
alone, after she'd driven the ch ildren to school." Weren't de-
cisions needed?. : Could you go on' likè that for ever? She was
horrified to think that perhaps one quite easily could..." It
was like a Shudder of cold air passing ov er her.
She involuntarily put the duster up to her eyes, thinking :
it. was. a' handkerchief, and nearly put her nose into 1t. Tim
had caught.her crying ondes And looked up at her with his great
quiet eyes.. She would not have him wearing those gawky suits
when he gréw up---and behaving as if he owned nothing, even his
own body, even his sext
- The vegetables wére ready in pots---brussels sprouts in
one, Bitting in water; which Ruth said was the worst way you
could cook them, and peeled potatoes : which Ruth said was the
way to get no. value out of them at all. Just before she left
the housé with the car-keys in her hand, which made the same
tinkling noise every morning, shé would 1gght the gas and set
the flames at'a simmers And when she returned with the children
there would be thé smell of cooking. She knew every sensation
by now. Even thè smells were fixed, and the way the steam
drifted round the corner of the kitchen door so that you saw it
as you câme into the hall," and. the thumpigg of the 1 childrents
feet as they dahsed upstairs to the bathroom. She could predict


every instant, so that there, wasn't a ohink of the unexpected
in the day for her. Or could she prediot it? wasn't that a
way of accepting it? Look how quietly Ruth went about things,
néver thinking about. the future.
She threw the duster in the broom oupbaodr I 1 and pulled a soarf
over hér head. On with the gas. Then to simmer. She noticed
the sunlight outside with sudden pleasuré. It drènohed the little
lawn, poured through the trees thèy'a planted only four years ago.
Ralph 7 had wanted a dlean, open lawn and a fence all round, but she'd
insisted on hiding the fence with bushes of honeysuckle and ever-
green and some rambler roses, and with young trees. And now every-
thing was leafy enough to make the gardén look enclosed. It was
funny with Ralph. A garden like that was exactly to his taste.
own
But he didn't seem to.follow his, tasteg. Partly he didn't know
what they were. He followed what was usually done, or what other
people expected, or wha t he was persuaded was. the economical way.
His teal seld
X Be-himself was hidden under a sort of blanket, and the smokésoreen
he put up.with his oiggrettes made it,worse.
She slammed the front door and turned abruptly into the tiny
garage. Her legs did it all for-her expertly. Up with the
swivel garage door, in a quick heave. Then you squéezed between
the mower and the car itself, lowered youself in.
Janet backed the dar into the sunshine and noticed another
mother doing exactly the same thing further up thé road. She
didn't mind that-s-the. uniformity didn't matter. She wouldn't
mind being uniformly gay and happye:
She drove out of the little estate with its clean roofs and
unlatticed Windows and slabs of asphalt, on to what had onde beon
a quiet country lane but was now an inferno of olattering truoks,
going perilously faste Ted Woods---whom the men always called


Splinter---had told them one evening that the truck-drivers were
paid extra for quiok deliveries, and their one aim was to get
there. The country of law and order! She joined the queue of
cars waiting to pass through the town. It was Pyfield Green's
"bottleneck'. The roadway became so narrow under the railway
bridge that two trucks could hardly pass by each other and had
to inch gingerly through if they met.; And' the pavement on either
side. was just wide enough to take a pram but no more. They
even seemed proud of their bottleneck: the men had meetings about
it at the local hall where freemasons and elks gave banquets,
and by the way they talked you would think there was something
eternal and even right about it. After all, it had been there
for ten yearsoem
nad
And
left to them, she thought, it would be there another tengyeers.
They seemed to enjoy umming and ahing i about it, and having little
theories about it, and puffing cigarettes over it. Even Ralph
did.
remeg
SHrI 105 a : a A
Dutsshe
eouidr
Thy
They were all so burdened---like men under
sacks of. coal. Arthur Simmons at the bank, Ted Woods, Jim and
Ralph and Dick Bowes---they were all the same e And she was no
different. Yet she was trying to bé. Which they weren't.
She'd see to that bottleneck, given the chance! Or would she?
Had she seen to her own home, made it to her taste? But. then
her taste hadn't formed until the last two years a Before that
she hadn't been aware of having one.
A man passing in a car from the other direction gave her an
interested look. A sort of half-smiling, blinking look, str raight
into her eyes. She felt shellooked. free: in some way capable.
But look wasall the men didi ' She'd ra ther they gave her bosom
a quiok, hard stare. Yes, that was better! This gentle little


flicker of the eyes, that knew it would end there, was plain
silly because it was. useless. . It seemed to announde, 'I'm
ineffectual---all I can do, bama-prisoner, as a man with a sack
of coals on my back, is maké a little flicker.* It annoyed her
and she glared in front of her at a broken-down Morris which
hadn't been. oleaned for months d A bottlenecki They were all
ina bottleneck!
She looked at the shops on either side. A Ostoreso with
white-coated assistants, and a supermarket that shone like a
culsm,
pintable bar. Women hurrying along---attractive but a bit harr-
assed, like herself. One. of them had her shoulders hunched up
as if it was oold, but there. was. premature spring sunshine;
har
her teeth were almost chattering, as if. this was part of perm-
being
anent public manner, s/ frigheened.and helpless. She switched the
little radio on as. they all moved forward but the announcer's
hollow genteel voice irritated her and-she switched off again.
She .was so' particular, Ralph said. She would suddenly switoh the
tele off in the middle of a programme because of * some little
thing like an'actor trying to sound like a Yorkshire: miner when
he olearly hadn 't been-I north of Shepperton. Well, why not? She
knew miners, having been brought up among them. And she knew.
the moors; they were her o ountry. And she couldn't stand for
that sort' of accent from a jumped-up, faceless little ball of a
man who'd just got. out of drama school and had probably been born
in Brighton. With his 'lassy' and 'tha knoos f and 'tha dursn't!!
And Ralph would laugh. "You tickle me 'with all your ideas," he
would say, gazing at her with a proud smile. Yes, Ralph. : was
wonderful. He would sit there in the silence afterwards and
say he preferred a wife witha mind of her own . to any television
programme o


A: youth passed - on the other pavement with, as Rabph would
say, 'hair all down. his back'. He. had black ourls, his white
collar high. : as if to throttle him,: his jacket so long that it: was
nearly an overcoat, with one cut in the back,. and his trousers so
narrow that they wrinkled round his knees like. a cowboy's, with
winkle-picker shoes to finish it all off. Theybused to call him
a spiv after the war, now he was a 'beatnik'. But he was the same
person each time: he carried his head high, he had a lovely profile,
his hands were in his pockets casually, jammed against - his hips
because the trousers were so tight. She moved. slowly on, khen
had to stop agains + She liked him. h They were the best-dressed
people in the land. 1 He had so much hair it made his face: look
tender and pouting---it brought out all his character, wayward,
confused; obstinate. The.men would hate him---or smiles *
Perhaps not hate him: just shrug, their shoulders indulgently:
And they themselves hurried to the hairdresser: every fortnight
for a squalid little trim, as they called it: that was another
word---'trimt. a -that sat on their lives like a black hood they
could do nothing about. When you went to the barber's you were
olipped olean round the back and sides. so that. your raw, pale
skin showed like the plucked breast of a chioken, and you were
left with a formless mop on: top that kept getting into your eyes
when there was a wind. No Wonder Ralph hated winds: It was
like their bottleneck. Whereas the teds and beatniks got beaut-
iful cuts: they seemed 'to have a special understanding with the
barbers : Why shouldn't Ralph*s face look tender? What were -
the rules against it? But oho no, not him, he might get the
sack for it. He had to have. it all clipped away---together with
his character. He had to be so colourless that you wouldn't
look at him orossing the street. Being colourless was being


nice. It meant you didn't think yourself better than any-n
body else. Whereas Janet Maynard thought * herself bettér than
quite a lot of people, and,would continue to do sol People: did
look at her. Men did, a1 nyway. Perhaps that. was why! -
At last the bottleneck was: solved, temporarily: - its.root
this time was a: policeman. 'directing* traffic. I He: did it like
a machine---8 porky man with a: sallow, moist, face, blinking against
the: sunlight as. if it was illegal, 'Come on!' she felt.like
shouting. at him. But. no, he was béing fair. Two minutes this
way and two minutes that. Though. there was hardly anything com-
ing from the other roads. - : Perhaps this was what made him look
so moral. Sulkily moral, even. Asif to say, 'I'm being crit-
icised, : am I?: Well, let me tell you. that this is.what the rules
lay downt"* Their rules, their precious. rules, like stones round
their neckst
Tim was already waiting in the school-yard for her, his. wi de
eyes fixed on the cars that. were drawing up outsides Mothers her
own age walked towards the gates, dressed as carelessly as she was,
fresh from oooking or bed-making---or from mus ing with dusters in
their hands, and nearly using. them. to wipe their tears. Scarves
thrown over their heads, overcoats half hanging off their shoulders--
wome n were a.slovenly lot when you came to think of it. *And
thank God they arel' she thought. At least they Weren't think-
ing about rule es all day long. - She nodded hullo to a slim women
with dry,.chapped skin who had a boy in Tim's olass; she overpowd-
ered her face, that was. why it got so dry, obviously. Fear again,
no doubt. Whereas Janet. creamed her face night and_morning, or
ra ther she used almond oil, which was cheaper and. better than the
so-called cleansing or eams' e
The children came bounding outs There was a deafening


babble of : talk. Tim saw her and shouted shrilly, above . every-
one else - He had slipped aga: in and there was a muddy graze on
his right knee. - The, tears had made- a dirty line down. his cheek:
Didn't the teacher notice? But teacher looked so. sad and harr-
assed that Janet néver liked to say anything. She: needed what no
woman. o ould give. her. - Janet called out, "Hullo, darling t". and
lifted him- up to kiss him.. "You've fallen' againt I don't knowt"
was
but his one idéa/to get to. the car. He tugged her along,and in
a moment they were on - thed-r way to Elizabeth.-and Mary:
She regretted having given them such usual names now 6
On the other hand she didn'ty.becausé she couldn't stand these
fancy names either. They were.t two good, healthy girls, W ithout
any. fuss or side about , them, and. that was what she wanted, after
all. Ifthey had anything unusual'alabout them, let them Show it
in their lives. : Names. wouldn't alter its I Arthur and Pat Simm-
ons had spenti weeks thinking up names; so. Pat had told her, and
the result was. that the.boy's name, Godwin, sat . .on the.poor little
chap like a barrister's wig :
Tim was jumping. up and down imT in the seat, talking so fast that
he. à ould. hardly get his bréath and . had to suck air in rapidly,
wi th a sound like hiccups. - 1
"Slower, slower!" she said with a laugh, ducking her head
like a girl.r
Timts problem was this: 44 the girl sitting next to him in
class had.giggled. and nudged him and said, "I can. see your shirt."
He wanted : to know what was wrong with that.
"Nothing," Hanet said: "Why shouldn't. she sée. your shirt?*
But the girl had giggled and also told the girl : in front,
who had giggled too. : "I can see your shirt!" she had said,
and had exploded---"Your jacket's opent" She had giggled - and


looked at him in sucha funny way; i he imitated her . arch look,
and Janet, laughed again. 4 Tim. said herthought she was esilly girl,
but she had a nice face. : But he wasn't ih love with her. :
He wa's in love with a girl. in: another class Who had her hair : over
one ' eye and was called Jean and was much older. She always went home
with aboy. - When he grew up he might speak to her. He'd be afraid
to now.
Then he noticed a toy crane in a passing shop window and forgot
Jean.
all about hers
She was quietly proud that he. told her this. She would never
have. told her own mum and dad that kind of thing. Even at six.
She had always nursed her loves silentlye Was this bet,ter? . Not
necessarily, perhaps a She had thought of mum. and dad as gods-
still did, really. One needed gods in one's life. She felt con-
fused for: a moment.
Betsy and Mary were playing balland didntt even turn round when
Tim oried. out shrilly from the car. E They were kicking a-football
against the school-wall like a couple of i boys, Jumping in the air to
kick it. Girls always overshadowed boys. She was troubled by
the possible effect on Tim; later. It was the one argument against
do-ed schools, Jack had said gravely once with his pipe stuck in
his face.
She was so late today that nearly all the other parents had
left. . The teachers had been enterprising enough to. make a pleasant
grass verge with border-flowers all round the quadrangle. Crocuses
and snowdrops were makang a. first premature. appearance. She called
out, "Betsyl Come ont" She was damned if she was going to walk
right across the playground to get them. But they were too busy.
to hear hèr. : Boys with skirts ont Bang went the ball against.
the wall. She : wondered - that no teachers came running out.


"Betsy!" She didn't like the : abbreviation but Elizabeth was:
too long and Liz was awful.: Anyway, Mary. had arrived at hhe
new name,'and it had stuck. : At last Betsy turned r ounds.
The ball was forgotten, there wa's a great dash towards Rar
with long blonde hair" flying' ebout and skirts whirling, ànd
great-grins: Their legs weré as muscular as athletes'.
Mary looked just a smaller edition of Betsy, almost t a twin.
Tim's face chênged at once: he was so delighted that he actu
ually quivered as they came dashing: towards-him. "Ma, you're
so latel"---spoken through gusts of breath: she wasn't sure
if Betsy or Mary had said it:
"Well, come on; let's get in." They all followed her,
: Tim clinging to Maryi He seemed too awed by Betsy to touch-1 her.
Bessy hung on to her mother:
"You're both a mess," Janet said, glancing round at Mary's
skirti *
"It wasn*t really our fault,". Bessy said. "We had a scratch
gàme of basketball - in break and Mary fell over."
"I thought you had smocks for games?"
"It' was in the break, darling," Besty explained patiently.
Then she turned round to her sister, "She just won't unders tand
today!" And the two of them did a mock-smirk that made her feèl
like a little girls The minxest
Tim launohed into-an incoherent speechabout the crane he'd
seen, and they drove off. She busily said yes to évery sentence,
was
because neither of the girls were listening. Then, through shere
lack of breath; Tim stopped abruptly and there was silence as
the car hummed slowly along. She liked to go slowly S ometimes,
with a sort of swaying motion---it felt luxurious, like benng


ina Rolls Royce:
"Your hair looks as: if. it's never had a comb through
it,". she said to Betsy, turning to glance at her.
" And for Lord's sake don't call me ma all the time.* '
i Betsy made another face at Mary: they texchanged glances*
in their clowning way. "I can sée Ralph*s going to have a hard
évening t" Betsy. said.
"It's Friday, : that' swhy, #. Mary told her, looking over Tim*s
head at hers "Itts bécausé you get excited, isn't it,- darling---
before the week-end?*
"Now,.1ook, you two--et,
But she couldn't hold her. laugh. She burst out with imma
ense joy. ( Everything seemed wonderful---the horrible deserted
main. street of Pyfield Green, drènched in sunlight, the shops
shuttered up for the lunch hour as if it was. a funeral and the
famous. bottleneck that had gone off dutyuntil thrée o'clock
precisely; Sundays and Bank Holidays exoluded..
Betsy kissed her from behind, sending a smell of childish
unwashed hair under her nostrils:
"Not when' I'm driving! How many times have I got to tell
you that?"
She shook herself free and was amazed as always that Betsy
wasn't hurt. Instead; she'd turned to Mary again and they were
already going it thirteen to the dozen about the gymkhnana that
was being held at Whitsun. in .the fiélds behind the presbyterian
church. The two of them were already bitten with the horse
craze.. It seemed that. every shopkeéper in Pyfield Green kept
a stud of poniès for his children and their friends : - Jim Barnes,
who worked in the precision-tools factory on the road to Chats-


downe * : was paying out seven-and-six an hour for lessons for
Ronnie and David. She would have béen happy enough witha
bicycle at that agel It thrilled her--this dhange: - thé sons
and daughters of ordinary péople riding in jodhpurs and those
cute little bowler hats.. Shé Wished she C ould ride: to be
able to teach them.: ' Shé enjoyed a little image for a moment
of herself riding on.a' kind of charger with Betsy on. one side
and Mary on the other, mounted' on ponies; with Ralph cantering
ahead, his breechès and leather boots gripped round the horsets
middle, his back straight ând his hea'd bare, dressed in a White :
shirt perhaps, very dazzling and bleached, wi th an ascot, but
he mustn't look too raffish.
The result of this, image wa's that she didn't hear - Bésty
tellingi.her all.about how the school was-going to organise
riding lessons, if they could get enough support from the par-
ents.
"Darling," Betsy cried when she realised she hadn't taken
in a thing, "aren't you interested in your daughter's riding?"
"or coursed) Iam. Only Ralph doésn't earn all that muoh
money "
"Why can't he get another job, then?*
Yes, why didn't he? She felt exactly the impatience that
Betsy expressed in her voice."
"Ronniets father.gets a lot," Betsy went on. "Ronnie says
kis dad
ta i has to say the : words . over to himself when hets reading,
otherwise he oan't understand."
*What's that got to do with it?" Janet asked, giving her
a: puzzled look.
"What I mean is they arén tt very. clever people."


Jim Barnes was always coming up in conversation lately as
: the model father Well, he: was a model ' fatherw : Why-doulan't
Ralph work in a precision-tools fatory? * He could read, spell,
do figures, but apparently thé three RS didn't bring in as - much
money as they used'tos. Did théy bring in even prestige? : ' So
why didn't he change? But.no, he'd igo on working at Sims and
I Tukets until thet company was bankrupt, which it would be 'soon
if all the stories he brought home about. old Sims were true.
How hé threw away clients with his. hard-to-get manner: But
ralph c ouldn't believe that the firm wouldn't always be there:
It always had been. Like trims and bottlenecks: It had an
authority all its. own, and he couldn't ohange anything, oh, not
Who was. he to throw his weight about? The number of times she'd
heard that!
"It's what I've asked him time and again," she told Betsy,
swerying into their little estate which had so-much quiet, so
much more order and-a-strangely---pain.
"Well, ask him again,f)Betsy said in a flat way. a
"You ask him.":
"What shall I say?*
"Say why can 't we have. riding. lessons like. Mr Barnes ts
children?"
"Isntt that interfering?" Betsy asked with an arch look and
a wink at Mary.
3he jumpéd out firmly. "Come .on, childrent" Upstairs and
Therewas a great slamming of car doors. She gave Betsy
the door-key while she pulled Tim's door closed---he only had
the strength to click it to. He stayed with her while she did
this, and the girls wrestled over the key.


"Why don't- you just put it in the look and turn?" she called
"Because it won't go: - It doesntt fit."
"It fits all right 4t.
She took it from. Betsy and turned it quiokly, and pushed the
door open's: The steamy smell of vegetables; the faint smell,
behind it, of the floor-polish she'd used that morning---the job.
'for Friday mornings. And the stillness. That was the Wosst
thing. As if it floated outside the real world.
The children rushed forward, Tim half tripping on the mat,
and in. a few seconds they were upstairs. They were mad to get
to. Timts floating ducks and tiny plastic ships---this was the
craze for the week. Betsy and Mary would lean over the bath as
if they'd néver séen water before, and Tim would be behind them
watching in amazement, flattered that something of his should be
taken seriously. : There was a patch on the kitchen ceiling
where water had dome * through, and now she ealled out, "Betsy,
see that Mary doesn tt splash water this timet" t Théy. couldn't
hear---both the taps were on and they were-singing something they'd
learned at school about 'In Scarlet town where I was born*, but
all
that was/they knew; the rest was 14-la-la-di-da and giggles and
muffled blows, then the crash of an elbow on' the walli She
walked out into the corridor and called up, "Betsyi Betsy!"
And after a few seconds the Bong stopped and Mary walked
quietly out on to the landing. "Yes, darling?* : She looked
down the staircase, her tiny face so beautiful for a moment
that Janet gaspedy and couldn't believe it was her own child.
And so like Ralph: a certein moment when his face was wonder-
ing, and he did nothing to tighten or protedt it.


"Yes?" Mary asked her againe :
"Don't splash the water this time."
"We: werentt going to."
"Yes, well don't." She walked back into the kitchen.
"And while you're using all that water you could wash aswell,
you knowt",
"We'll think about. itim: Mary cried, and dashed back into
the bathroom..
Ralph was hie usual ten minutes late, it being Friday:
It reminded her of, the thrill of Friday evenings in. York, when
her father : came in with the pay packet and there was the usual
how
V joke abouty he wasn't going to give her mother any this. week:
he would sit down at the parlour table and take his two ounces of
dark shag out of its néwspaper wrapping and begin making cig-
Hem
( arettes, licking them carefully along, the edge es and curling, 'round
with his coal-hardened fingers, And her mother would sit at the
other end. of the table by the fire reading: the paper heta brought
in. "Come on,". she'd say quietly, "part up" -part
And
oop.
ileh
dad would say, "Not likely, mate. Not this weeks There - isn't
: énough brass!"---hot 'enoof braset. And her mother. would say;
"Youfil get no. straw in your manger tonight, then.". And go on:
reading the paper..
Then the time to go down to the glowing, noisy, bustling
shops would draw-near. Three great shopping bags : would have
to be filled, and the children would drag it along. And all
of a sudden, at * a moment that was probably the same every week
by the olock, dad would put his hand in his pocket and draw


out his pay envelope, and give: éach of the children a shining
sixpenny piece.
Sheta lit a fire in i the sitting room and it was blazing,
X wi th cosy little oracks and hisses Ralph : cheaged at' oncelinto.
his. pullover--+a bright scaflet thing tha t clashed * with, his blue
serge trousers, making him look like a little boy on top and a
drunken sailor' - belowa 1 She liked those huge roomy pullovers : that
some men wore, which gave thêm such nice easy shoulders and
defined their hips. But her Relph always ended up with one of
these throttlers: à "They haventt got my sizef" he would say:
Another thing was his collars. Théy always seemedit to sit
V - on his shoulder-blades instead of round his neck. It made bim
feel naked, which you çould tell by the way he kept bunching up
his shoulders. She liked a high coller, almost up tothe chin.
It made a man look distinguished.
He gave her hisiusual pleasant reeounding kiss and looked
into her eyes with a little twinkle as if to say, *Still think-
ing?" Then he put his evening pa per and her weekly magazines
on the kitchen-table where. they ate. I He would puff and bhow
a little, callout to the children upstairs, rub his hands
toge.ther as if they lived at: the north pole, then take his
drab raindoat off. Shé always felt like asking what colour
that ra inc oàt was-supposed to bejbecause it changed according
to the light and the time of day's But he would only give her
his amused little twinkle. He hadn't shaved well that morning.
There were hàrd bristles on his chin. She liked a cleanshaven fade,
and luckily so did hes
After hetd hung his chameleon rainooat in the hall he
would walk into the sitting room where he would stretch and


bawl and groan and maké wild: yawning noises, until the children
came down for their goodnight oeremonial, which meant leaping
all over him, ruffling his hair and pulling at: his tie,.undoing
his shoe-laces, while: he sat there making clown-faces at them.
and threatening the most awful things. Then they disappeared
P upstairs, with him in tow, for stories to be read, two of them,
one for Tim and one for the giris. Ànd the beds were tucked in.
But sometimess Ralph was too tired even to move from his
chairs A quéer néutrality would 0 ome over him, and shé Would
feel lonely.and cold. The children alwayé sèemed to sense it
beforehand, too, and didn't rag him as usual. She hated reading
V to them. She felt theyoughtnit to get their fairy world from
adults. Not through books, anyway. She would rather play
with then.or just talk. But they insistod. Saturdays was
their night for telévision: t hey stayed up till eights and nine
if she and Ralph were. going to the cltb. They were just old
enough to be left in Betsy*s care, and the néxt-door néightbour
kept an eye on them.
When thé ceremonial was over and' lights were' out upstairs
she and Ralph sat. down to eat. Theyd always used to call it
tea but now it was dinners acdording to the fashion. Aotually
it was still tea because the. tea-pot dominated everything else
as before, and she didn't cook vegetables. They had welsh rar e
bit or fried plaice ar. a boiled egg, ijust as her family had done
in York efter dad had started earning better money, just béfore.
the warswhen heg'd moveh
tte mining villege.
After the meal they moved to the sitting room. That was
a big departuré from York habits. She refused to let the front
room be a mausoleum for Sunday use only---when it took you four
hours to really warm it throughe Those drowsy. Sunday afternoons


over a white-hot firé... And the desolate-look : of that room
grate,
on Monday mornings, with orange peel in the tired, cold gaxnt
and the thiek Sunday newspspers:: lying crumpled and divided ev ery-
where, and the. ashtrays fullyand the chairs looking as. if they
were sighing for a change from a' lifetime of overfed, Suiday
behinds.
No, she wanted the most comfortable room in the houseto
live in, Ruth and Jack were the same. They lived most tith
their fitted carpet and books and television and solitary
antique: no children allowed in except Sonyamw-twenty-four hours
of the day
Thore was one thing that - worried'her: her sitting room
looked.like a Sunday room used on week-days, where it should
look the other wey round, But she didn't know how to remedy
it, short of imitating Ruth - in évery respect.
' One big excitement was the woman's-megazines whioh she
flicked through busily, as'she used to in York when she came
in from the hotel.. The hotel was called the Majestic and had
huge pillars at the entrance and tall glass doors, and a thick
persian carpét stretching all-down thè foyer until you got to
the smoking room where the business men sat telking about brass
the whole évening and smoking cigars and cheroots. Sheta been
cooped up in a tiny énnèx to the receptionist's office for
two. yéars or more---hardly bigger than a box, but she loved it
for that reason. It had one swivel-light which she: could turn
where she wanted, and outside its circular ray everything aas
derkness. She could see into the foyer without being seen.
She watched the men come in for the Saturday night shuffle
with their starched whité collars and silver scerfs, and their
wives laughing t ogether so that they were red in the face.


That had all stopped now, most likely. At loast, there.
might be the shuffles but shé swore the people didn't. drèss as
nice. She remenbered peeping out or'her little : hole.and then
withdrawing her# eyes shyly: a gawky, rather stooped girl with
whispy hair. Hovi Relph hed' ever found her a ttractive she I
didn't know. Shé could understand better now, having filled
out in the right places.
Ralph said that Sims had been Snapping everybody's head off.
It had been a rotten day. Hè was leàning on the kitchen table,
his mouth half full and his eyes on the evening papers
gice
"Everybody in that blastedjseems to have a cold---Alvays,"
he said.
"I hope you don't get another one: The childrén have only
just got over the lest."
"If I get one I shantt have asked for it."
They went on reading, af ter heta given her a slightly irrit-
ated glance. She thought of the road outside, the orisp air,
the lamplights like stars, the sound of people wel king home in
York. She wished it would show, Theyta had none this year
and : it sometimes came late.February. Then the tiny house felt
enclosed and snug, and Ralph made then hot whisky and water with
a lump of sugat in it, before they went tobed. Hhy they
couldn't have hot whistky when it wasn*t showing the didn*tknow
Yeks
but that was one of the unwritten little rules. E; she leved
habits, if the truth were told. She loved Friday evenings
coming round so regularly and faithfully with their promise of
X week-end excitements. And Ralph lived for the week-ends:
You could feel the excitement dimly stirring in him, though it
never changed his face: She gêzed across at him with pity---
she was 30 hard on him. - He had such E mild, even helpless


face. If she touched his chin now she knew exactly what it
like
Y would feelp she could almost feel it: in-1 her fingers, and it
would make, a slight hissing notse.
"Why don't you get another job?"
She listened to herself
saying this wi th some astonishment.
He looked across at. her in silence, levelly, looking up from
his paper, then his face. spread into the most delightful grin.
She remembered this grin from the first days in York, whon he'd t
been a raw traveller fora London firm: And there was the boyish
rippling laugh that made you feel so safe: aii his charactér was
surveyed in it, his decency and tolerance, I He hadn't done very
well as a traveller. He couldn't blow his own trumpet enough,
he alweys said.
"You been plucking. up the courage all day?" he asked. " Well,
congrats-a-you got it out!"
She smiled too and didn't reply.
"You find me another job; duck," he said, "and I'll take it
right enough."
"You could do hundreds of things,"
"Such as what?"
"Well, whet.about Jim Barnes?" She felt silly.
He grinned again. "What about Jim Barnes?"
"Oh, I don'T know--a" Shé looked away impatiently. "He
seems to be.able to afford things, anyway! And the children
say. he has to say all the words to himself before he can read
This got a roar of laughter. *What's that? He has to
"He can hardly read or writet*
"Well, you don 't work micromet ties and gauges with the ABC,


"you know., He's been brought up to it. He started as a
mechanio when he was fifteen.*
"Tes, but why should hè be 'getting better money than you?"
you
"Who told/he 1s? Hets giving his kids' riding lessons but
thatis becausé héls always been a bloddy fool with hi's money."
"well, they've got a car' and their own television and they
pay a bigger rent than'we dof" she said.
"Theytve mortgaged' their lives, Jan. They're in perpotual
"Well, let us be in perpetual debti" She flushed.
"We are, already. But not so much as the Barneses, that's
"I don't boliéve it: I believe he gets more money."
"Well, you find out." He was a bit nettled now: The
poor darling worked at that firm all day Where the seoretaries
were ax ola maids and went round with handkerchiers up to théir
noses and boils on their necke, and all she did when he came
home was oompare him unfavourably with a shrivelled-up little
chap like Jim Barnes, who'd give half'his wages for another
1 L
dirty joke.
"It saoms to me you didn't make a right choice," Ralph
went On. "You're a dàmned sight better off thân you éver bere
before, and so am I. But youtre always grumbling. I reckon
you want jan on bothsides."
"well, why not?"
"Bécause it's a bloody mess, and you can't bring up
children that wayim
"What?" Her eyes were fierce at once, her chin pushed
forward.
"I said you can"t bring up children giving : *em jam on


*m29 i
both sides: They get delinquent. Never heard of that?"
"Mine won't get delinquent." There was a dangerous pause
and she could hear-4-through her anger---the cosy crackle of the
tire next door. "Are you telling me how to bring jo hildren?*
He airéady seemed to falter. Perhaps. her white-hot determin-
- ation frightinede him a little---when it showed so in her face.
He got ups wOh, come off it," he murmured as he walked
through into the sitting room; where his favourite programme was
coning up inabout fifty seconds.
She followed hin throughy angry at herself that her persistence
might make them miss it---it was her favourite, too. " Whatdid
you mean by that?"
"i didn't mean anything," he said with a slightly raised
voice.
"Therets nothing degenerate about aychildren."
"Who said there was?"
"And they won't be delinquents!"
"All right; they won't." He throw- himself into his
television-armo hair, having switched the set on.
She stood at the door. "Having-a decert home doesn't
mean being delinquenti"
"Youtve gota decent h ome !"
"I haventtt" Tears flooded her eyess "Not if you cone
home late in the evening and youtre too tired.out to do anything
and you sit in that horrible office all day."
"Your father came home late, didn't he?" Ralph shouted,
yet in - a nild way; seeing her tears.a "I don't believe your
mother complainedt"
"He wasn t sitting in a train for an hour with a lot
- of snotty-nosed off ice people round hin. He had man's wokk."


"I'll say he didt He worked a hundred feet under the
gr cund breathing in coal dust and wondering when the next
1hg
eaplosion was going-to 0 ome roundt"
"Mum was happy. She would never have said sow But
there was S omé life in the family." 1
"And theréts some life - in' ours!" And he added, *What
mora do you want?"
"I don't know!" She pulled out a handkerchief and cried
into it.
He sat there miserably, letting her go on fora time.
Then he said quietly, "Would you rather I worked down a mine?"
"No." She shook her head like a dhild.
"I reckon if I didit wouldn't be classy enough for yout"
That made her flare up again. "I'm not interested in
olass-eithér!"
"Waht do you W ant?*
"The best we can get."
"But you can't always. get the best in life, Jan," he told
heri
"I said the best wé can gety-and we haventt got it yet."
"Listen." 'He façed her in a crisp sort of way, his lips
pursed---she didn't like it When he was like this, it made him
look common. "I've got a job and I'm lucky to have ite
Secondly---
"You shouldn't feel lucky to have it. Everybody's got
a job!"
"Therets still unemployment---you'll see that if you r ead
the papers "
"Not. muoh there isntt. - There are plenty of jobs you
dould have, but you just won't look!"


"Why should I? I dontt mind a train-ride twice a day---"
"Well, I think it's horrible sitting in that office with
those unhealthy sécretaries coming: in and out all the tin met"
He stared at her--and slowly his grin came back again,
and he burst out lajghing. This. time he C ouldn't stop.
He lay back in his armchair with hisihead up and made: a kind of
ecstatic yodel, as he did when Splinter told him one of his
quiet aneddotal stories. Oh, why did she always have to'say
something silly that ended the disoussion?
"What are you talking about?" he asked quietly. "Un-
healthy secretaries, * you said---2u
She- couldn't restaain a slight, reproachful smile. "Well,
I just think it's an awful office... - Oh---t" she. said impatient-
ly. "I dan't remember what I meant?"
"Just because Mabel had a boil three years ago!" he said,
"Oh, shut up," she said mildly, and she leaned forward and
gave him a light dlip round the back of his head just as le was
twiddling the knobs to get hisblasted definition.
"Oh, well," he said with a chuckle, "néver mindi Back to
work---we'll be miss'ing your favourite if we don't watéh outi"
She flung herself into the other armchair. 1 'Living Fast',"
she said---this was the name of the programme--w"I'd like a living
present."
This seeme d to nettle him again but he said nothing: There
was a woman announcer looking daffy in the scréen, defining her-
Ralph
X self.slowly as hd went from.one knob to the other.
"The firets going down," she: said with a pout. "You can
look after.it yourself this evening."
# Thanks à


Someone came on with a map: and talked.about the weather;
what on earth hé had to have a smile on his facefor she, didn't
know because he was predicting drizzle . everywhere. The programme
was late, or probably their clooks were fast. Ralph went: and
put coal on the fire. There was. a bit of news---she became lost
in the little square flickering world: a report from Brazil,
there was a revolution of some kind, a few shots of policemen
anong palm trees, the : blinding sunlight, skysorapers : seen from
an aeroplane, shining and shimmering, Then to her as toni shment
a cool glasa touched her right hand.
It wasa glass of whisky, with ioe and soda, as he kne W she
liked it. He'd made one for himself as. well. She hadn't been
aware og him leaving the room and getiing the ice. She loved
4 the way it chinked against the side of the.glass When shy drank---
cool
/ a nive luxurious sound..
"Chin chin;" she said, rais ing ner glass, "I could just do
with thiss How did'you guess?"
But he only nodded absehtly, already lost in the programme.
This week it was about how. people had enjoyed themselves before
the last war. Thare were shots of Wimbledon lawn tennis,
Géorge Vis Jubile## drive through the sidostreets of Battersea,
opening nights in Shaftesbury Avenue, crowds visiting the Crystal
Palace before it was burned down, London parks and summer outings
and Punch and Judy'shows and peas-puddin'-and-faggots shops and.
orowds rolling out of a pub at closing time. She gazed with
fascination at 's ome of the fades she'd seen in the.papers as
a tiny child---Baldwin, Amy Johnson. thè flying ace, Gracie
Fields, Haile Selassie standing outside the Ritz looiing as if
herd lige to throttle everybody, Cicely Courtnidge and Ralph


Lynn and, Mrs Simpson. People. were seen hurrying through. the
streets : in the rain, hailing : taxis that looked soi square and -
quaint now, waiting fora procession to.pass, surging through
police ranks. in a massive demonstration with posters saying
ARMS FOR SPAIN and CHAMBERLAIN MUST GO:
And one thing she noticed was that the men wore much the
same, style of clothès then as they did now: the ordinary men,
that 1s: The same flapping trousers and tight jackets. It
: was just as if thel suits had béen passed on from one generation
mext,
< to thet othrer, and Ralph and Splinter and Dick Bowes were wearing
them now, Taded and dusty and. drabf)
She C ouldn't kéép it to herself. "Look," she cried, "they're
wearing. .the same clothest"
But he was too deep in the programme -
As if.nothing had happened for twenty, thirty yearst And.
V why koep the wretched styles and bypass the nice ones.? If they
were going to be old-fa.shioned why didn't they go in for the L
Edwardian styles?
But even so the peoplé before the war looked better,
Someliow the trousers flapped better on them.
"Ralph!" she sàid.
He didn't take his eyes off the sereen, He looked like
a man driving through the fog.
"Ralpht*
She pinched hin quickly in the arm.
"Owt" he flinched avay, frowning, but his eyes didn't leave
the picture.
"Ralph, don 1t you rémember before thé war---it's just
occurred to me---ev erybody had more stylé then?"
"What do.you mean?" He kept his arm close to his siden


in an involuntary gesture of self-protection, though his gaze
still remained on the screen.
"Don't you remember séeing mén in white trousers ând tennis
shirts going down the road to the hard courts in the park and
that sort of thing?"
A terrific erash cane from the background-music, and the
picture changed to the Southend lights. He turned and gaped at her.
"What are you talking about?" he said.
"White trousers o .?" He screwed up his face.
"I meant the young men you used to see on summer evenings
in flannel bags and ascot soarfs and that sort of thing, with
their rackets in wooden grips. Well, I mean, you don't see
that now among the ordinary people. They used to wear much more
flashy clabhes---the oommon people. Don't you remember?"
"What?* He only sorewed up his faceto make a show of
interest this time---his heart and soul were on Southend' pier:
"Your suft!". she said rudely.
"What about my suit?"
"Get a new one!"---and she turned impatiently back to the
screen.
"Shut up!" This was because Edward 'v1ll was now talking
at some big dinner and you had to strain to listen to the quiet,
hesitant voice.
There were sparkling chandeliers, liveried
servants standing quite still along the walls, the guests in
their stiff shirts turning their heads coolly this way and that,
nodding gravely now and then with "Hear, hear!"---it sounded
like hah, hah. And then the ripple of polite laughter. The


white-haired, robust-looking man - at: his side, who the announcer
said was Field Mershal Milne; put his head' right back when : he
- laughed,/ gazing at the ceiling. : The tabledloth shone white,
dishes and platters crowded the tablë, there were mountains of
flowers, the wineglasses sparkled. Life'had been real, - then.
Yest She remembered it in the streets, in York, - the way the air
was orisp in the winter, the way the lights glowed from behind
drawn curtains and firm-looking men walked'into the Majestic..
And sometimes, she remembered, her mother had sat down and cried.
V Well, Janet sat down-and cried too. But her mother oriedabout
real things, about the dole whioh was hardly enough to pay the
rent, let alone feeda family of seven. - And Janet cried about
things you couldn't put your finger on.. Who was happierv of
the two?" She believed, sincerely, her mother was. Because
hér life was reals But for Janet everything turned to a-w
ghost..
Théy went tp bed early. They thought of going down to
the pub for a drink with : Splinter but the whisky Iraa made them
feel tired. Ralph mixed them anothér one---"just to put your
ming asléep," he said---and after washing up they flopped on to
the bed. The bedroom was next to the sitting room, with the
kitchen immediately next door. An odd arrangement, but there
was' only one room upstairs apart from the bathroom and she liked
that for the children.
In bed, as always, she felt as if shetd been toiling up
mountains all day. Her fists were clenched, she noticed.
Only when they went to see a film or to Ruth's for dinner or
to the club did she feel really rested safterwards. Then she
might lié awake until two or three in the morning, but there


were dreams to fill her head. Ralph slept badly now and then,
tossing and turning, which she put down to his endless smoking.
She said it over-exoited him. And he said this was nonsense.
She felt she needed a lay-in badly the next morning but
Tim suddenly set up a yell and dashed downstairs. It could only
clock.
have been about
A bad dream. Ralph hardly woke
- sixk
X though Tim wrneched the door open with astonishing strength
and threw himself into his mother's arms, the tears ponring down
his face, making his whole body quiver., And with coughs and
hes
starts he told about it, how a girl with big skirts had come run-
ning towards him and all.of a sudden turned into a ball---which
kim
then hit,in the face, He gasped and.choked over his words,
while she sleepily hugged him towards her, kissing his hair and
saying, "Don't cry, darling. Don 't ory." When he paused,
almost slept, in his story, she heard the clocknon the mantelpiece
making its desolate tick., She thought she could see a clear
dawn- sky beyond the curtains, but it might be the lights from
the higway. Ralph groaned slightly and turned on his stomach.
Tim tried to go on with his story but slept. She felt heayy
Say
and in a strange way remoreeful, though she couldn't what she'd
done wrong. As if her life---just the passing of day to day-e-
had wrong in it. Tim cried again, kissed her, fell asleep
became
- again. She draw him into bed properly and he baeem a deadweight
in her arms as if he'd never wake again. She would go to Ruth's
that morning. The thought excited her, like a childhood promi se.
Jack was abroad, or on his way back. Ruth would look at her
ler
with calm eyes, her arms full of Sonya. 'I'd never I my children


irn 37
eat me up like that,* she thought.
Sleep was finished for her. Yet she didn't want to get :
up either. She. waited, sitting back, against the pillows, with
Tim wrapped in her arms. Gradually dawn came through, making
the previous pale light from the highway look counterfeit, until
it was extinguished altogether. That evening they were going
to the club.. She'd forgotten- all. about it---she nearly let out
0 a ory of pleasurefo Ruth might come too, but' she rarely did when
Jaok wasn't there. * Janet didn't.like that side of her-aaas if
there was something moral about having a husband. - And as:if
Jack was a little polioeman, and his silly pipe a sort of trun-.
/ 5 cheon.: : And She made having children moral, too: like eating
whole rye bread. Well, she agreed with Ruth that it was prob-
ably healthier and tasted more substantial but she didn't have to
be pious about it. They did look healthier, all that family:
put Ralph next to Jack and he looked like a heap of grey parch-
ment tipped into a, strait-jacket, with a, olipped wig on top.
Well---not quite! She almost put her. hand up to her mouth
and laughed, half turning towards Ralph with asolicitous movement.
If he knew what thoughts she. hadt
Splinter Would be there with Polly. She liked Pollys
: She had a dry skin like that woman she'd seen in the high street
lefore
thet morning---pale and stretohed tight. A real cockney like
Ralph: perhaps they all ran.to parchmenti And Polly's eyes
had a grey film, over theme--from smoking, perhaps. At least,
all the heavy smokers seemed to have it. Ralph had. Polly
and Ralph got on like houses on fire. * He said she reminded him
of his aunt. Kate, who'd been thè angel. of his ohildhood.
Splinter was his best cronys They.s seemed to bring out---well,
a shifty element in each other. Not. exactly that, but some-.


thing cringing. For instance, they always put themselves. in
a remote corner of the pub when they went there together, as: 6
if they were afraid of being seens : Polly had all thé sauce :
and side that Splinter lacked. She had everybody in splits.
( She could sing like Marie Lloyd,her voice rioh and thick as you:
don't. hear them any more: all-the old songs---Has Anybody Here
C Seen Kelly? My Old Man's a Dustman, Where did You Get That Hat?,
and Daisy, Daisy! : Ah, those old. songs were lovely. - Janet
remembered the last of the real working men's clubs in York,
with their music-hall turns every Saturday night on a platform
at the end of a long room with.a carved plaster ceiling and
big fireplaoe: Her mother's voice . had a faint tremolo.and :
séemed to comé from another world, and Janet could remember -
standing on her lap as a tiny child and looking into her face
inquisitively as .she sang, to see how She did. it: And her
father would be sitting with a rapt, beaming, rather wooden
look on his face.
Would her voice be like that for Betsy and Mary and Tim?
She hardly ever sang 6 Sometimes they all danced at a party
and shouted Ease Up, Mother Brownt But usually thè children
weren't there. Or was she just 'an obéer sister for them?
She gazed into the growing light of the room with a frown. .
All of a sudden she felt. restless and. confused, and wanted to
get up.
It seemed only a moment later that she felt.a nudge in
her arm and heard Ralph say, "Here, what's this? You want
to. . make him a mummy's boy?"
She blinked. It W as broad daylight. The curtains were
drawn and he was sitting on : the bed already dressed, smiling
Y at her* She mus t have Blept.. And Tim was/exactly the same


position as before, fast asleeps
"He had a: bad dream," she said through . dry lips.
"The girls. are up,"
Shecould hear Betsy in the kitohen: Betsy had a charactér-
istic way of moving, or rather flinging; dishes.
: This would be a leg-pull for the whole week-end: m ummy
oversleeping! - Family tradition had her as the sleepless, energet-
ic ones
Betsy called out, "Maryt"
A firm " What?" sounded from the bathroom upstairs.
"Would you bring my hair-clips down?" It wasa quèstion
but in thè tone of an order: An answer was unnecessary.
Mary suddénly came downstairs like a ton' of coals being
tipped out.
"Oh, Mary!" Janet shouted. "Your feet!":
Another "What?":
Betsy answered for her: "Mother spoke "
"Where is she?"
n In bed,"
" What?" Mary,dashed to the :: door of the bedroom in
astonishment and stood there, gazing down at her. "Darling,"
fe she said quietly; "Aren't you ashamed of. yourself?"
"Here," Janet said to Ralph, holding out Tim, "take him.
And you," she added to Mary, "take your long face. away."
Mary came and kissed her. i Tim, woke up with some smacking
of lips and a last tearful gasp as.if his bad dream had béen
a : moment ago.
"What happened?" : Mary asked hera
"Nothing happened. And stop leaning over me like an
inquisitor! I just fell asleep, that's all."


"Whyts Tim here?".
"He had a bad dream."
Betsy. called out: from the kitchen: "He said. a ball hit
"What,, you, woke up? Why didn't'you look after him, then?"
Janet asked, pulling herself out of bed, dragging her nightdress
after her---she much preferred pyjamas but : Ralph didn't.. She
ran her fingers through her hair, yawning, while Mary watched
her like a TV film.
"He ran out: before I could do anything," Betsy called out
in reply. "After: scaring me. outof my, wits!"
"Then you didn't bother?"
"I just fell - asleep, I suppose. "
a She: lost consoiousness," Ralph. said, shouldering Tim and
carrying him out of the roome,
"So did somebody else in the house, apparen tly," Betsy
said, the triumph simply onzing out of her voice.
"All right, all right," Ralph told her, "not so much sauce."
Then Janet heard him asky as he opened the fridge, "Where
are the sausages?"
"I got them out, Valentino." Ralph ohuckled and she heard
him give her a resounding kiss on the cheek. Then he said,
"Here, old chap, you sit down: thére," as he lowered Tim into
the basket-chair by the stove., That basket-chair was thetr
only concession to the old parlour-life whioh, she'd known EF
aohtld in York.
Then Ralph. began his. familiar eausage-poking: he prikked
at their skins with a. fork---a quick motion, apa probably khe
same speed every week. He pricked them, three times on each
side, that 1s, six to a sausage. Once and. once only it had


been a different number: he'ra got blind-drunk at an office
dinner the night before and it sounded as if hè wanted the
sausages to suffer. Herd been bitterly ashamed about that.
Ail she knew was that hè came to bed very late ànd left his
clothes in a heap on the floor, which was just what she would
have done with them every day if he'd let her. She didn't
mind: shetd never met a man more in need of a' good jag now and
then. But he didn't do it again. Pérhaps her si lence made
him feel guilty. But what could she say? She wasn't the
keeper of his consciencé.
She felt irritablé and sat at the dressing table to comb
Jiksls her hair. Men ought just to do things and think about it
afterwards. Thât was their nature. Mary*s eyes were still
on her, wide and curious, reminding her of Tim's for a moment.
Janet spoke to her through the mirror.
"What are you gawping at?"
"Hére." Janet held out her comb for the week-end ritual:
Mary had to do her hair from the back. Terribly painful,
because she tugged so. But a oonvention, so you had to bow
down to it.
Betsy and Tim were suddenly quarrelling.
"Feet!* Betsy cried out. She obviously wanted to throw
something in the stove and his feet were in the way.
A raspberry---from Tim.
"I Don't you---!" À slight smack---it wasn't much. But
intention's the thing and Tim started howling.
"Come on, come on, youltwot" Ralph murmured, still priok-
ing away. She worked it out as seventy-two pricks, oounting
a dozen sausages betweën them. Quite a number! she thought


with a smile, which made Mary'say, "What are: you grinning at?"
She disregarded this and called : out,, "Leave him alone,
bothér
Betsy! His feet are too tiny to X*ERE yout"
"He does it deliberately!"
# Anyway, I'll be there in a second."
Acat
Ralph talked to Fim-me"Here that? Your mumts C oming 4m
Tim sratched sométhing and flung it: probably a cushion.
"Here, yout"
Ang involuntary smack from dad.
Betsyi "You désérved that, you sorapt"
That toré it and the howling seemed irreparable now 6
She jumped upy leaving Mary with the comb in her hand. And
she strode next door,. almost tripping over her nightdress.
The frying pan was already beginning to sizzle. Shetd told
Betsy so many times not to put the tomatoes in before the fat
was hot because it made them greasy, but she never listened+
She said shé liked them greasy, which to tell the truth so did
Ralph.
"Here, give him to me." The oushion W as still on. the floor:
Betsy had clearly been thè target. Janet picked it up and then
drew him into her arms. tt There, never mindi Theytre a silly
lot, aren't they? You come nèxt door with mummy and Mary."
The pricking was almost finished. She noticed he was bent
over it like a mèchanica Tim was installed on her lap in front
of the mirror and the combing went on again. : She kissed him
and wiped his eyes dry; and Mary
"Keep
her lips
cried,
stilll%
Jra.
pursed with the effort of combing out hair that had been tangled
in disturbéd sleep.
Betsy was contented now a One could always hear it,a
sort of special silence she had. - She*d make a good housewife.


She was neater in the, kitohen than Janét. : 'That is,' thought
Janet, 'she. enjoys it more,' She listened to her laying the
plates down one by one: no hurry about it. A Four plaoes at
slighdy er
table; then she heard her pull out Tim*s high chair from the
corher. It.made a charactéristic squeak which Tim heard, un-
luckily.
"No chair!" he shouted.
"Yes. chair!" Betsy shouted back.
He was so sensitive this. morning andshe had to talk to him
quietly: *All right, darlings therets no need to get. upset,
you can sit on mummy's lap at breakfast if you like."
"You : spbil himt" Betsy -said, pushing the chair. back in the
corner again. That was Betsy all over---the firm and neat way
she did it, though nettled.
"We'll open the chocolates. after breakfast," Janet murmured
to,her son.
"I knew you were going to say tha t, " Mary said.
*Why not? They've. been lying there since Christmas "
Tim followed the conversation closely, glancing round behind
her head at Mary+ "I promised him."
"For when:he was.good."
"I am good!" He. shouted this with trémulous fieroeness
so that her hair was wrenched for a moment in the comba
Tim
which
"All right " Mary saidywith the perfect authority thet
another child understands and adults fèar to dhow, "but you
can spoil it. They haven't been opened yet, mind."
She suddenly thought of. her own duties. "Betsy, is
the milk there?"


Ralph's voice dame, "I'll get it.":
She heard him walk down' the hall and pull the morning
paper out of the letterbox, and the flap swung to and fro for
a moment. 1 Then he opened the front door and picked up the three
milk bottles carefully.
"Did he leave the cream?".
Forgetting the créam had been the milkmants spediality for
months, and now hetd reformed. She usually had to chase sut
after him in her bedroom. slippers. She éven formed the idea
that he did it deliberately, to: see her in her nightgown.
All this time Tim had been using her lap as a springboard,
jumping up and down" until her hair wes almost coming out by the
roots.
"Come on, it's done now, Mary. You should sét up. as a
hairdresser."
The hair wa S piléd up: : this was' the : last stage, making her
look likea teenager." Ralph liked itr It lèft fluff at the
back of the neck which was a nuisance; you-didn't quite know
what. to do with it and your fingers kept wandering there.
"Stop fussing your hair," Ralph always said. She noticéd a
scrap of paper in front: of the mirror, lying under the powder
pot, and was interested to. see'l her own handwriting. She picked
it up.. It looked strange. Along, preocoupied sorawi in
pencil. : She C oulan't remember ever having done it, but there
it was. - It read, 'Teas Tim*s cough, Gramophone prices, Betsy's
do 5 Saturday." 'She looked at it puzzled." Then she let out
a muffled little yell--a" pht"
"What?* Mary said; péering round at' the note.
"Betsy! Your party!"


"Your : mother called," she' heard Ralph say. : He was busy
tomatoes
getting some of the EaxKagar out and some of the - sausages in.
"It's your party tonight, isn't it?" $
There was a. pausé a - Thén a plate was let' down on the table
with à smart bang and Betsy came bounding into the bedroom with
"Hurrahf. I winf" Mary sto opped combing all of sudden: Janet
watched Betsy through the mirror---hér blonde hair was : all over
the place, her# eyes were eérnest and pieroing:
"There," she said to Mary; "I've won', you see?"
Mary went on combing rather sulkily.
Jânet couldn*t understandand. looked from one to the other
unc omf ortably. t But réally * she kne W: She pioked up à powder-
puff : from the dressing table in an absent * way and put it down
again. A bet. She'knew it. She was the dentre of more bets
in the family than she liked to think about.
"But: she did rememb er " Mary said.
. "No, she didn't. I - said she woulan't remember before
saturday morning and she didn*t.*
* "Here, you two," she said, "this isn't a betting l parlour,
what do.you think you'ré doing?"
She heard Ralph chuckling next door.
"And I oàn sée the note;" Bétsy said. "Look." She picked
it up. as if Janet. was a thousand miles away. "Tea:. Cough.
Look, Betsy's do: You pickod it up just now;' didn't you,
darling?" shé asked, looking into Janetts eyes sympathetioally.
"I, bet Mary hasn't got the two bob," Ralph said from thé
kitchen. His voicé-had a: final note as if the last sausage had
gone'ine.
Betsyi pursed her lips.


"Is that true?" she.asked.
"What?" Mary said innocently.
"That you haven't got two bob?"
"I shall have."
"You said you had it when you laid the bet.*
"Lookt" Janet shouted angrily. "Just you get out! Do
you hear me?"
"I'llilet you have : a bob; Mary," Ralph said. "Perhaps
Betsy'l1 come down in her pricé."
"You shouldn't encourage themt" Janet shouted at himi
Her oheeks' were riushed with angérs "They shouldn't be stand-
< ing here betting like a.couple of streetcorner toutst* I
The answer to this was a' gush: of laughter from the three
of them.
"If you've'got that party, what are wè going to do about
Tim?" Janet said, forcing a praotical note into her voice. "I
suppose' you haven't thought. of that, 'have you?"
"You.mean, you haven't, darling!" Betsy saia to her with
a smile.
"Good God," Ralph oalléd out from the kitchen, "do you mean
y to say.you*ve jst thought of that?"
"All right, all right!" Janet said, flaring upi "I don't
want you all on mel"
"Tim stays with you," Mary says d
"We re going to the club
"You see;" Betsy said to Mary, "that's final proof that
she didn't rèmember."
"Well, I suppose I'il go to thelolub laté," Janet said,
gétting up. She sét Tim down on his féet so quickly that he


looked round him with: surprise. . "Come on, out of it, you
lot! I want to dress."
Shé ushered them out and > Tim caught hold of Betsy. And
the argument went on next door while she dressed. It sounded
very 0 omplicated. Anyway, the tote olosed at one' shilling
and sixpence. Ralph would supply the shilling, and the: sixpence
would be paid up next Sa turday.
She took her things in a; pile up th the bathroom without
glanc ing in at the kitchéns The smell from there was getting
f good. Ralph was just putting the:tea on, bless him. outisde
the bathroom window there was still the trace of frosti on the
lawn.. And there was clear sunshine. TV. had been' wrong.
Shé loved - the thought of going downstairs in a few minutes and
Y sitting. in the kitchen-warmth, in the glow from the ceiling-
light, with thè tree outside making the window: dark."
The' bathroom was heatèd, which was Why she liked to dress
there. : The kitchen stovepipe came. . up to the roof tha t way, in
the oorner. It was a: bit primitive.but they'd painted the pipe
and now.. you hardly notioed-it. The economioal wày-would have
been to make it heat the water as well, but thèy didn't do things
the edonomical way. Habits established themselves and that was
that.
There was a rattle from below. The stove being oleared
of ash. Ralph did it with a clean, emphatio movement which
was unlike himself. There was a debris of plastic boats and
ducks in. the bath, and Tim had bèen playing with the toothpaste
again. A bright, lovely morning, with the trees ' quite still.
How she needed the summer. She could seé the wires along the
highway and one tall
made of cement that caste a
lampost
hid-
eous colour. in the evening, which made your fade-look wrinkled


1ike a mask. They said it was good in a fog. So_you had
to-go round like a death-mask the. Whole year because of a couple
of weeks of fog. 's
She thought : of the other items on : the 1ist---tea; she
would have to transfer that to her saturday-efternoon list.
i Tim's cough---well, it had gone nows Gramofptione prides:
that was something Ralph could.look after while' she was : at' the
supermarket. It wa's Betsy's birthday at the end: of May.and
the world would ' come to anénd if shé didn't have her pop-:
machine, which might have to bè ordered,+so the man-at the shop
said. She hadn't any records yet, and that would be another
running .sore of expense. Hé'd have to change his job if hè
didn't watch out.
ghe
Just'as. yeu got downstairs into the vivid, warm glow Ralph
upset her by saying, "How the héll can you come late? I suppose
I'll have'to tell Splinter we 'can't make it."
-She st tamped her foot. "You and that Splinter: Youta
better be.careful your head rabesn't turn to wood like his one'
The children spluttered with laughter at this and Ralph
smiled too, unwillingly at: firsti She sat down at her place
withan irritated movemen t: Saturday-morning breakfast was
d hér treat and she seanrleo let it:be spoiled by anybody.
She danveyed this to him with a hard glance. Ahd the others
all séemed to agree silently that this should bei so: Ralph
jumped up and poured her tea while Betsy got her plate. She
leaned back in hér chair, and félt easier.
Betsy talked excitedly about the party while they ate.
Mary would go as a guest, that meant on sufferenoe, because
the other girls wére Betsy*s age. Ralph unfolded his paj per


and disappeared from views
"No musici," Betsy said with alarm. "Everything's topsy-
turvy. this morning." She dashed into the 3 sitting room and put
thé radio oni
: "Not too loudt* Janet dalled after her.
"our day Wi ill comet," a voice sang, making Janet think of
Jeffis Jive Rooms in York, where she had taught Ralph hds first
ittering
mard steps. And luckily this made her remembér that she'd
pr omised Betsy a twist-lesson before she went to her partys
Betsy must know how to twist, otherwise.her lifé wasn't worth
living.
After breakfast she went to Ruth's with Tim, leaving the
- girls to do the washing-up. She wished she. C ould phone Ruth.
Everybody 'else had a phone. And it ment you could get orders
delivered' on rainy. days': Next year perhaps, Rapph had said.
The radio was blaring when she left the house and Ralph
was still behind his peper, in the sports news. Ruth's house
was at the end of the cul-de-sac,at the edge of a c'opse of
young trees, where the road. curved. t Tim wanted to bebarried
but she said no, and she had à good excuse: A mân in long
trousers can't be carried." It was only his second: time in
thém. Ànd that was effective. He walked along obediently,
his head st traight up, with'a touch of something about him,
she couldn't say what, but it made hér glance down at him with
a sort of awe: centuries of England seemed to be in his face,
in the way he pouted his. lips and in the'easy, languorous sét
of his eyes.


The sunlight was sparkling and gay- - But it might be
the prelude to snow. She and the girls would take the taboggan
up: Nutt's hill on the other side of Pyfield Green. She
liked to lie on her. stomach stéering with them behind her.
That had been the. annual: thing at York. She couldn't remember
a year without it. - The s teep hill from the castle, on the
otherside of the citys made a marvellous"run. She yearned
for the north.Sometimes. R You got high tea there, nothing
skimped---plenty of muffins and jam and cheese and Yorkshire
pudding cold; but here in the south things seèmed insipid. and
over-mild. Shecould rémember the knife-wind across the
moors, the intimate, lush, valleys round Bedale, the snow on
the cobbles. of Richmond, the narrow York lanes with the sound
of radios from behind curtains.
Ruth had had a large Window put' in the front wall, but
bigger than the others along the road, so that you C ouldsee I
right into the room as you came up the path. It was always
a pleasant sight for Janet, beyond the smooth green lawn---.
the fawn . oarpet that C overed every inch of the floor and- the
X hanging Japanese paper-lamps then the mantelpiece of piled thin
bricks that Jack had orderêd to imitate ancient. Roman bricks, 5
though why he. should . want to do that she didn't know; and then
the smaller window in the other wall, that gave out on to
Yek
their bit of garden. Bet.you couldn't see'into the room
from.the roadway; that was-t the catoh---you had to be on the
path, a few feet from the door. Ruth was there, by the fire-
place. Janet could sée her. And she could see logs burning.
And Ruth was.dandling Sonya on her lap.
"Can you see Sonya?" Janet asked Tim. "Here." She
lifted him, up, and he peered into the room.


Ruth glanced up. "Jan!", she made with her lips, and
ga thered up the child to c ome to the door. Sonya stared at
the window, not seeing them, her lips full and sensuous. : Not
a scrap of discipline in hér face, unlike Catl herine the : older.
girl, who took after Jack. : Ruth levered herself up from the
sitting position with perfect ease, child and ally without touching
anything for support. How she . did it Janè t didn't know.
But while she was comfortably. and healthily plump there didn it
seem a scrap of waste flesh on her. L All poise and motherly
repose. : The :sort of hips, Janet thought, that gave one man all
the pleasure hetd ever went.
The door opened and there was her broad, unruffled smile,
and hér flushed cheeks, ând the light-blue eyes that always had
a trace of diffidende in thems - Sonya was still clinging to her,
dark and staring, avid for pleasure---of which Ruth was the chief
part. : And Ruth.carried it-a-the burden of two hungry loves,
Sonyats ând Jack's4--like a quéen. - She had the advantage of
being Jewish: the' ancient secret, thought Janets Jack W asn 't. a
But hetd sort of half become ones She'd watched his face change:
more gentle, and ripe 'and avids But all that silly eoonomics!
The door closed behind thems "How's Ralph?" Ruth asked her.
"Hets all right."
Tim had already dashed into the big room to the toys; he
knew his ground. She walked to the fire and sét down at her
usual place on a.tiny armohair of aisilvery grey colour that
was. both modern and comf ortable, and which shetd look for secret-
ly everywhere without finding.
"You're so tidy here," she said. - "How do you manage it?"
Ruth was still gazing at her with hér quiet Smile---she
always eeemed to be gazing-a-and lowered herself slowly back


into her ohair with Sonya, again without supporting herself.
"I thought it was filthy!* she said with a laugh. 1
"It's because," Janet' went on, looking, round her, "the
children don't bother you."
"How do you mean?"
"Well, it's something between you and the children.
I C don't know,. you make them, quiet."
"I wish. this one, was like either of yours, anyway," Ruth
said;: looking down at Sonya.: And the child tried to. push her
little fist in her mouth..
"Yes, but it doesn't affect you,* Janet said, her head
forward, cupping her arms round her. knees.. "If Tim had. done
that at. his age, orawling all over me from one. end. of the day
to the other, I'd have screamed !"
"I soream, too! Don't i, darling?" And she gave Sonya
a look which the child - simply scrutinised objectively; without
making a sound.
"Where's Catherine?"
"Outtide in thé gerden."
Janet turned round to Tim. "Darling, dontt break any-
thing "
"Jack's coming back this afternoon."
"Did you get a letter?".
"No. He phoned."
Janet
"He phoned?" Retkxx asked.
" Isn't that expensive?"
"Not very. About six bob."
Jânet felt a shiver of pleasure at his name-e-in a way she
didn't expect. She leaned back in her tiny armchair.


"Only from Paris," Ruth added.
"Soyou Won't be at. the' club?" : Janet asked hesitantly.
"oh, yesi"
She wanted to ask if"they'd both be there but dared not.
She wondered at herself.
"Itm taking the girls to Chatadowne park this afternoon---"
Ruth was interrupted by Sonya who'gave another lunge and almost
hit her in - the face, turning suddenly to look at Tim, who'd.got
on'to a' gayly coloured wooden horse and was trying to make it
rock, though it wasn't that kind.
"Is Catherine going to., the party?" Jane t' asked.
"Yes.. Fat's picking hérup in the car."
"I'll haveto come to the club late bècause of picking
mine up---I'd forgotten all about itt"
"I expect-we'll be late -too."
Wett She found herself 'sighing wi th relief.
"Itts awful when you've: got children, ien't it?" Ruth said:
"Even when I'm out * I don't feel really free, do you?"
Tim ' was beating the horse with a drum-stick.
"Don't break Sonya's things, darling!" Janet said.
Sonya made a Ioud cry and frownéd. At whkch Tim looked up
with an : enormous dawning surprise that made.his eyes look so
light-blue that the sky might have been inside them.
They went to the kitohen and drank coffee---as only Ruth
could make it. The bright plastic-tile floor and the shining
dishes made Janet goggle; you'd think a womén.came in two or
three times a week, but Ruth had no help. She watched her
move about between thé stove ànd the table, with quiet, econ-
omical movements, preparing the pleasant ooffee-pot arid the


paper filter. And the dups were : just the right colour for
the room, reflecting thé cosy light . from the window. She :took
Tim in hér arms and tried to be as stoical with him as Ruth was
with Sonya, but she gave it up: - one of his'heels dug into her
leg. and she let out a crye Tim laughed. Even-he seemed to see
the absurdity of it.
"Betsy was nâmed right," Janet told her. "Shets always -
having bets---mostly about me a She bet I forgot the party and
"Catherinets asking to wear that orinoline dress with a
bustle of all things---!"
"And most of the others '11 be in' trousers."
"I-Wondered if I should let Betsy go in slacks---she'll
kill-me. if I don't. Shélsays She can't twist in a skirt.
She can't.twist at all. But by this evening she will, I'm
giving her a lesson."
Simmonsis
"Oh; I don't think Pat) M/particular."
Cathèrine was a clear-faced, slim girl, with. something
of her father's quick gazé that seèmed to -pierce you right
through. She peeped in. through the kitchen-window at them
for a moment, and waved at Janet: a bit taller than Betsy
but not much in it. There were a good six years between
her and Sonya; which madé her younger than Betsy: But
height was such an individual thing: And anyway one didn't
want' a tall string-bean of a. daughter.
"Did'you.see that programme last night?" she askedi
"About before the war?" 1
?t The documentary?"


"It séemed nich more real then, don't you think.so? :
Everybody's so nice now but it's be'cause they've got nothing :
to be hasty: about, do you know What I mean?' Things don't seem
to C ount like they used to."
There was a pause while this sank in: "I acntpknom.. #
Ruth's full, healthy hand shifted something on the table:
"My home always séémed so dark. It wasn't real. to'me. I
féel realer now.*
"But look at the men-1"
Ruth laughed to : see:her éarnestness. "What about them?"
1 Well, they don't seem to have any grip any more."
"why not?"
Shé was stumped, and looked at Ruth with impatience.
of : C ourse, Ruth had.Jadk. And how .could you say hé had no grip?
"I mean in things., like clothes," she.saidi nn They. don't
seëm - to make enough.fuss of themselves. They'haven't moved
forward, do you see what I méan? You never see them wearing
ascots like you used tow--not our'class of men, anyway la
And thé moment shé said this she realised tha t Jack wore
- en-asdet every week-end, and she didn't like it very much because
it made-him look sort of foppish:
Jack
"Kaetwears ascots," Ruth' said with a laugh.
"Oh, I know, " Janet replied, lowering her head. - "You're
happy and I'mnot. I suppose thatts! all the differenoe."
"But Ralph's oné in a, million, Jan---t"
"I didn't mention Ralph!" Janet told her hotly. "I don't
haw e to think. of myself all the time to be happy?"
Ruth always: managed to call Ralph one in a million.
Janet could have hit her with a dishcloth for it.


"Itts no good talking to: you, Ruth," Janet went on
quietly. "Tim!" - Don't scratch on the window like that!.
You're like a cow, Ruth, I've told-you befores. A - lovely,
grazing dow, and.all you're doing when you talk is ohewing
the oud.":
Ruth laughed in hér soft, full way.. *I must tell Jack
"You tell him everything?"
"Why not?"
"Well, one ought to have a. bit of onets own life."
"But Jackts my life."
"All.or it?" She looked sharp and earnest and-fiery next
to Ruth. "Al1?"
"I cantt think:of a thing I do that he hasn't somerconnect-
ion with," Ruth said.. Ând she pulled Sonya smoothly on to hèr :
lap again.
"I don't know," Janet murmured. - "Men seem to 'acoept things
"Weli, you dan't éxpect them to fight your revolutions for
1t That sounds like Jack," Jânet said, looking up.
To judge by Ruth's connvzing snile that was. true. * Was it
possible that they discussed her? Shé felt a quiet thrill.
They went upstairs to look,at a néw dress of Ruth's, with
Sonya b ounding behind them ànd getting mixed up at oncerwith
the powder and creams on the dressing table. Ruth didn't even
look at her but opened the wardrobe with quiet authority and
took out the new blue two-piede which dazzled Janet at once
because. it was both so simple and so stylish. That was Ruth
all over--i-no effort or strain. She spent less time on her


looks than any of them. Pat Simmons always seemed to, work on
herself like a seoretary on the boss's desk before he oomes in
in the morning, and the effect was too neat. She. didn't seem,
to know that, men liked a hair out of place. Ruth was, never really
tidy but a glow came from her, and that was everything.
A crash came from downstatrs and she hurried on to the land-
ing outside.
There was a muffled answer-a-the horse, had fallen. She
dashed downstairs. But he was only looking at it vaguely,
as if falling was one of its tricks.
"You'd better come upstairs wi th me ," she said, pulling,
him to the door by the hand.
By the time they got upstairs again Ruth had put the skirt
on. It was tight. and short ànd in a strange way it see emed to
be the first skirt ever made; you couldn't improve on it.
And then the blouse---just a sort of sack that zipped up at the
back, with elbow-longth sleeves; it fell on her so casually and
loosely, yet it showed evéry curve in her 'body.
"It looks Wonderful," Janet said, feeling, the light tweed
enviously. "Where did you get the stuff?"
"At Blithe's in Chatsdome. They just had five gards left
and I took thema"
"I wish I could do my own drèsses :
"Youtre aaways wishing," Ruth murmured with a trace of
annoyance.
It wasn 't the sort of thing you could wear for a dance,
but then Ruth rarely danced: Janet remembered whirling Jaok
round the club-floor in the Christmas do, an d how he had red
lights in his cheeks afterwards---perhaps an excited twinkle


in his eyer ? But thoughts like that were best left alone.
"I haven't made up my mind what to wear tonight," she said.
In faot, she had. It was the one Ralph. called the s tunner,
with-a slightly flounced skirt and a very low neck, with skin-:
tight sleeves down to the wrist. No shoulders. It wasn't the
nicest thing she had but it brought the most glane es e
Sonya dropped an alabaster jar with a thud and Ruth swung
round---"Not, that, darling!" Tim was sitting on the wide divan
bed---Jack didn't like an old-fashioned bed, so Ruth. had said.
Sonya sudderly spoké. It was extraordinary to hear her booming
voice. "Wa's this for?" - And she held up a lipstick.
"Thatte for lipe," Ruth said, hardly turning round.
believe
"No." Sonya W ouldn't have it. Tim looked across at. her
fascinated.
"You push that little button on 1t," he said quietly..
"No, you don't!" Ruth shouted, darting to the dressing
table. But. she was too late.: It was already smeared across
Sonya's face.
"Please don't make a mess, darling."
turned
Sonya EKXERd round to. Tim with her cheeks like traffic-lights,
an d he burst out laughing.. They both sat there spluttering
helplessly, holding their sides. like old people. Hé dashed
açross and began tickling her. Some of the red got on his
hands and then his collar.
"Children!"
There were sereams, ae whelps, pinches, cuffs, the sliding
sound of the dressing table being pushed towards the well,
and in a second Tim was carrying or ra ther dragging the other
child downs taj irs, in a kind of uproarious burlesque act.
It always took them about this time to get together, then they


were inseparable. Yet they had a strange na tural decorum
in their olowning. There was real art in it.
"You'll be glad to hear Dick Bowes is coming," Ruth said
with a smile.
Dick was a nursery-garden man, and the only healthy specimen
Jonet
in. the district as far as she was concerned. He had a lined,
weatherbeaten face, and everything he did was slow and ordered,
whereas the other men sort of jerked and jumped around all the
time as if they were worked by engines . And Janet realised
that she used him as a sort of cover with Ruth. She realised
her
K it suddenly, and smiled back at Ruth. Yet it seemed only to
have s tarting happening a few seconds ago. Her position with
Ruth was no longer honest.
"Goodi" she replied.
Yet she did like Dick's darkly tanned face at the table,
with. its rustic authority. And she liked: Connie, who always
had a dazed sort of look---blonde, with flushed cheeks and a
fat
quiok, shy smile that made her face look fat when it wasn't at
all, and showed her silver fillings. Poor darling---she had no
children. Dick took half-an-hour to say anything, and the men
always said he was waiting for the plants to grow. You could
see him at his best in the nursery-garden on the other side of
Pyfield Green---the way he picked off dead leaves and ran the
soil through his fingers. He W as also a bit sceptical,. never
credited anything pe ople said: just looked at them in his
mild, speechless way as if they were taking him for a ride.
And Janet couldn't stand that. She pulled his leg a lot, as
a retaliation: asked Connie if he had green fingers, with a
little wink---that kind of thing. And Comnie always looked
away, showing enough silver to make an ashtray out 'of.


"And another difference between you and me," Ruth said,
slipping off the sack and showing a bosom that must send Jack
giddy, "is that you dress to kill."
"How- do you dress, then?"
"For comfort, partly. To lobk myself. Mainly to look
myself." And she gave. Janet a nice. smile.
"And I don't?"
"Not exactly."
"Well," Ruth said, stepping, out of the skirt, "you like
to tantalise the men a bit, don't you?"
iShe laughed. "I didn't know it!"
"I don't mean in a showy way. - But lots of cleavage,
for instance."
"You 've got more cleavage than I have.".
"Yes, but I dan't usé it."
"I think you do," Janet said. C'You use it. far more--
in that blouse, for instance---only itts, more subtle."
"What?" Ruth asked with a quick, interested glanoe, and
a slight smile that showed- she found the remark true.,
"You see," Janet said. "We all show the serpent s omewhere."
"Jan---" Rauth 2 gazed at her with full, unblinking eyés
for a moment.. "It's all right between you and Ralph, isn't it?"
" of course it 1s. Why shouldn't it be?"
"Oh, I just wondered." And she put her skirt on the hanger
again.
"I can't explain really. Sometimes I feàl we don't get
anough leisure---it's silly. trying to explain."
"Do you mean he just wants to get it over with?"
Janet sat down on the bed rather mi serably. "No. I just


feel I'm missing something."
"I Does hey too?"
She realised she 'd never thought of that.
"I Perhaps he does,"-she said.
The silence from downstairs séemed dangerous and they left
Ae cluldsen
the room. But they/were beti sitting quietly on the floor,
Tim putting the red oardboard roof on to a little house while
Sonya. was of all things fast asleep, leaning against the wall,
hérifade streaked red. She had that same look as Jack, even
alseep,: greedy for new - experience; yet this wènt together with
Ruth's golden peace.
Catherine bounded in from the garden brea thlessly---with
Jack's quick, appraising glano e and his air of being about : to
arrange something exciting.
"Hullo, Mrs Maynard!"
"Hullo, Catht"
She always flinched when they -called 'her Mrs Maynard.
Wha t wa s' wrong wi th her génération, that' they couldn*t take
i their plade# like their mothers had? 1 She félt wretehed-all of
a sudden and wanted to leave.
"When can I start dressing for the party, mummy?" Cath
asked.
"It isn't nearly time yet," Ruth told her witha laugh.
"Come. on; Tim, we must go," Jénet said. "Your fatherts
waiting to go shopping."
"Who is?" Tim asked.
"Ralph.* She said it unwillingly, not liking even Ruth
to know that this was how she called him to the children.
Something troubled her all the time, underneath. She dragged
him away from his bricks howling. How she'a like to join him


X and howl too!
"No, darling," she said in an unsteady voice that made
him cry all the louder, because hé heard the-oompassion in it,
"you can't play all morning."
Ruth saw them to the door, smiling through his squeals;
which were deafening. "Good bye, Jan. See you tonight."
Tim howled all the way home - -She pulled him along, trying
to stop herself crying too. of all the silly things in the world,
the silliest was to ory without the slightest idea ' of what you
X were crying about." 4 They arrived home like a couple of. w)ifs.
The blare of pop-mus ic from inside made her féel brighter.
Betsy wanted.her twist-lesson -but Ralph was ohamping to get off
to Chatsdowne. Thé car was shining so clean outside that it
annoyed :her, with its vortuous pool of water all
roundgtE
She hurried -through to the kitchen to get the shopping bags---
three of them.
"All rightt2, Betsyi" she oried. "I told you' after lunch,
The house was silent and Janet was alone. As usual on
Saturday afternoons Ralph had lit a firé in the sitting room.
It crackled and spat comfortingly, its flames lit up the dark
room, flashing in the dead television scréen. Tim was asleep
upstairs: he'd dropped off suddenly, to her surprise, having
thfeatened.to stay awake until his S isters came home from the
party. Ralph had gone to stoke up, as he called'it; at Splinter's.
Later at the club his eyes would be glazed and à pungent smell


of: cigarettes would permeate his clothes. Jack sometimes
smoked French cigarettes and they seemed better. That hideous
sulphurous smell got into Ralph's underwear and seemed to come
out of his armpits in bed at night, and it was as much as she
could do not to choke somet imes.
She felt like a, drink'and wondered if she should mix herself
a whisky and soda. But mixing drinks was his province It
would makë her feel decadent.
She hadn't started to dress yet.. She satydown in the darkness
close; to the fire, in Ralph's television chair, with the curtains
still undrawn. i People passed on their way back from the shops.
She thought she saw Catherine run past under the lamp but it
couldn't have been because the. party was still going on. It
was, hardly sevén.. Ralph's need must have been great, for him to
go to Tedis so early. He'd walked, and Ted would take him to
the club in his car, While she drove over later.
She remembered the, sa turday evenings in York when she'd
dressed for the dande: she could still feel the. coldsoft satin,,
ànd how her legs had felt cold because of the nylons instead of
the usual wool stockings; andthe powder that had a special
thrilling smell, patted oyer her cheeks, and the lipstick that
she put on with an eestatid sense of stagefright, as if she were
an actress. And then t he walk to the tramstop, and the first
sight of - the drab, lighted hall with its pillars at the entrance,
and the youths with hair plastered down standing there avkwardly,
waiting for their girls. She remembered the way. her breath
hardly came, when she got down off the tram. She'd always been
like that-wwalways on the boil, hèr mother said."
Shetd taught Betsy the twist. It was a silly. dance: as
sexless. as : thé young were nowadays. And soI lonely. You just


stood and writhed in your skin. : Sheta ' shown. Betay how to stub
out cigaréttes with both heels and rub her back with an invisible
- towel---Anothing easier." And the child was twisting right down
/ tothe ground and up again 'in a couple of minutes, wi th her mother's
supplenéss.
She jumped up, réalising that an hour wasn't much to dress
in. She took a quick bath." On the way downstairs again she
peéped in at Tim. His mouth was open and his hair febl across
his temple, one hand lay loosely over the sidé of the bed; and
again she * saw the look.of natural authority in his face, as if
he camé from out of thé denturies, with nothing to do withyher.
If ' only he'd keep that look She wanted him to have long hair
all his life, 1 If only mén ' could wèar it down to their shouldére,
as they usedto, * she thought.
The dress was laid oùt on the bed waiting for her: Betsy
did that. In return for the'twist-less on : She rubbed eau de
cologne into her armpits, over her shoulders and chest, in a
vague ritual movement. Her slip was black with lace frills.
It made her feel debonair." Then shé sprayed behind her ears
with soent. And she sank into her soft little seat in front
of thé dressing table. I That was'a concession togluxury she'a
made sure of-i-her little velvet-covered chair with a low back
that had cost more than she ever cared to tell Ralph. And that
moment of sinking down and taking the rcomb up and looking at her
dark image in the morror was always one of enormous relief for 1
her. She would change "her lifé. Yes, she wouldt
The #aress made her feel' sure and determined.: It.defined
her so well: Her pale ' skin gleaméd in thé dimness,: and she
glânoed at- thè cleavage Ruth had talked about, with-a slightly
grim twinkle in hér eyer And she slipped on hér shoes. A


braoelet---then a nide silver sdarab? she clipped on to: her
dress. :: No necklace: : She gave hersélf a final. look from the
door---rathèr liké saying.good bye. She had a sudden panic-
stricken feeling for Tim which shé couldn't_underetand and which y
was quickly gone : She took up . her bag quickly and put on her'
coat. The car was out on the road and in a- few moments she was
driving towards pat Simmonsts, a peetty littie house on the
outskirts of Pyfield Green: : remarkable that Pat, whose meals
were always so perfect that they looked as. if theytd beén painted
for an advertisément, and whose chairs were so well dusted : that
- they madé you feel-ashâmed for having a behind, should live in,
that detestable little towns - But rents were cheap there: they
were saving for the children*s : educationa Poor Godwin must go
to a university.whether hé liked it or not..
Children were streaming out of the little house and cars
were: drawing. up outsidés she: jumped outy. her high heels olattering
on the pavement in a thrilling way: Pat W as just visible behind
them all; tall, dark and neat like a piece of mahogany. They all
had paper hats on and -were talking about the games theytd had
and the jellies they'd eaten. There were boys as well---more
silent, awed by the girls. : The sitting room, whichshe could
see through the undrawn curtains, looked a mess.
"Are you coming tonight, Pat?" she çalled out above the
children's heads.
"Maybe later!" And Pat threw up her arms helplessly,while
with her lovely daughter Rachel stood clinging to her, slim and
dark as an Arab, so charmed by her first party that all shé could
do was'gaze. and bite her lower 11p and smile ravishingly as: they
all said good bye to her. Janet elbowed through the children
Rer
and kissed.


"Rachely aren't you proud, ! darling?"
Thé child nodded silently, and - at : that momént Betsy burst
on them from : the kitchen.
"I'm réadyt ' Where's Mary?. : Wedid the twist, it hurts
/ your back terribly!" - She' looked up at Janet for the first '
time : : "You do look a treat; darling!" And - she stared at her
mother With real discovery, s: ilenoed.
Arthur Simmons was nowhere : to'be.seen. She wasn't sorry
to miss his hornrimmed spectacles and grave manner. a He looked
at you as if you were a cash-register and the wrong figures were
ooming up. Still, with a few : dr inks inside him.1 he wasn't so
badi
Mary appeare d from outside. Shetd.been waiting in the
was
street and. watching all the cars.. She taake so relieved to
find Janet that. she made a little a jump like a frog and planted
a.wet kiss on hercheek, and then.got a scolding from Bétsy who
walchnng
said thé older girls were washhing. Car-doors were slamming,
she and Pat shook hands. t
"Good byei"
"Good byeo Pat! * Thanks sa lot!".
She noticed with satisfaction that Betsy.seemed popular.
A number of the older girls gàve her quiet, confidential glances
lald
at the end as if they wérengoing to plot hell when they got
together again. : You never knew if you weren't going to get a
recluse for' a child: - she wondered about Tim 8 ometimés." The
hurt
pain of having a recluse was feeling: patk on his behalf all the
timé a
Mary gave her another kiss from behind in the car, just to
annoy hèr sister, and asked, *Ma; where did you get that lovely
scent?*


"Are. you going to. dance tonight?" Betsy asked.
"Which shall I answer first?"
"About the scent.".
"I got it at Blithets. a I forget what it. is."
"And who are you going to dance : with?"
"I don't know yet."
"Some strânge and fascinating man," Betsy said in her
leg-pulling manner:
"I will if I càn find him.".
"What, you're not going. to dance with dadz" Mary asked.
"Oh, drop 1tt Of course I am!"
"You have to: take evérything so.seriously, don't you,
Mary?" Betsy sa id, And in the same breath, "Do they owist at
the club?m
"No, Sambas and quick foxtrots and old-fashioned waltzes,
that. sort of thing."
"It doesn't sound as 1 if she really likes it, does it?" Betsy
asked her sister.
"Why not?" Janet. said, flioking; her hair to one aide in a
characteristioally embarrassed. little movèment.
"By the sound of. your voice. - You 11ke it hot, darling,
you. know you dot"
Janet : la ughed. "Wherever did you learn that sauce?".
She glanced at Betsy when they got out.of the; cars What
part.of her lay in the child? She often wondered that.
In a few moments the girls were upata irs in bed and Tim
had woken up. Betsy had brought a. piece of caké for him, and
they also gave him their paper hats and whistles. : Hé 11stened
with his mouth , open to Mary's account of the party---how they'd
K played Spin the Bottle# because an American boy was there.


Tav
- No reading tonight.
would-be what. Ralph - dalled spreading
jam on both sides.
"Well, I'll leave you - to it, girls!" she said, kissing Tim
J a long goodnight. "Mrs - Trubsharets next door,-call out
if you
need anything.".
Shé found herself teembling as she ran down to, the car again---
quite like : those dances in Yorkt : She could hardly find - the
ignition with her key: And. then she drove towards Ted' 's place
in Pyfield Green and suddenly rememberedg that it: was gone half-
past eight and they would all be waiting for her at the club.
So she had to turn round, : which She did on the most dangerous
bend, where all the truoks. came clattering past. i Her teeth
were chatteringy-almost: It might be the brisk air, - But she
found she-coulan't get her. breath properly, just like when she
got downioff the tram in York!, ' She'mustn't let them see it at
the club, Her eyés mustntt be too bright. But the lights
there were usually dim, and : thé men would be too stoked-up to
notice ' anything; not that t they noticed muoh anyway. She took
a deliberately deep breath and turned on to the-Chatsdowne
highway: She could speed here, and this was a great relief to
her. When Ralph was as sked once how fast she drove usually) he
said, "As fast às the car will go."
She got there beforé she realised sheta started. There
were the : tall Victorian shopfronts at the edge of the -town,
bright and *- gaping; 1 with the pavéments in front of them empty.
She drove : through the old part where the houses. were squat and
soothing; with red mossy roofs of tile and their walls dovered
with ivy. Then there was Park Hall like a. massive cement
tower with russet lights s howing fromthe windows upstairs and
a roof-garden on top with trees that they used in the summer.


One or two couples went in béforé'her. From a bare lobby
with strip lighting one moved to a plushy staircase whère the
cloakrooms were : and here a crony of' Ted*s, with the same wiz-
stile
. ened and honest look, took hér coat and told/her that 'the men*
were already upstairs. By the way her ring touched the dlip
X of her bag as she closed,shé knew she was still quivering, and
again she felt thankful that the lights were dim. ,
There was music but no dancing. I A slow. waltz, played
softly bécayse everyone was eating or having a drink beforehand:
that. was all: The hall was round, with little check-patterned lamps
plealed
X on every table and great folded curtains over the windows', with
the dance-floor clear and french-chalked in the middle. Their
table was on the far side, set for six or eight plades, and she
feltia. quick surge of annoyande as she caught sight of Ralph:
it was his striped blue shirt against - the pinstripe suit; she
didn't like either, but. both together were the end.. She'd'so
often told him not to do it, particularly if the stripes went in
the opposite direction: But he didn 't think it mattered. :
He didn't think his. ap'pearance. mattered. How d'ould. he dance
like that; in those billowing sailor's trousers that almost
showed the light through?
Ted. was there, sitting next to him, and she recogniséd Dick
Bowests dark, sunburned face, and Connie with her face set in a
smile.: Janet felt better séeing her---always so fresh, and so
believing. a No Ruth. 1 : She found she wasn't quivering any longer:
Her eyes: were burning fiercely but the men were busy in talk and
X weutt hardly sive her à glânce.
"Herets your wife-4-watch out,. matet" That 'was Splinter.
Ralph lookea, smiling: yes; his eyes were glazed.' "Hullo,
duck! : Comé and sit down."


Dick Bowes nodded a: pleasant
and followed her
Crl
gogsevening
with his eyes. : But. not a; real remark from àny of. them.
"Hullo; Connie," she.said quietly, sitting.next,to her.
"Hullo, Jan;: you : look nice this : evening."
"I had such; a rush." * She put her bag on the table.:
"The: children had a party. at Pat's---I had to. fetch -them."
"I wish I could rush about for children, " Connie said;
giving. her a $ imple glance. : That was another thing about her-e-
she : said the truthbwithout any trouble.
"Well, what's it going tobe, duç k?" Ralph called out from
the other side of the tablés
She. wanted whisky but. somehow the women . weren't expected to
drink it; so she asked for gin-and-it, like Connie.
: Ralph called out to the waigter, another crony. 4 "Twogin-
and-its, matet And: therets three thirsty men heré {"
The. waiter unleaned himself from the radiator, his face
lined and pale, and said méchantcally, " Two.gin-and-its, three
beers?"
"Here, you trying to get me drunk?" Connie asked, giving
Ralph her soft smile. "I. haven't finished this Ayet."
"Do you good, mate."
The. placé was filling up.: Some people were eating already.
There wasa pleasant warm dimness, and when her gin. came it
brought a, little flush to her cheeks She talked. about Tim,
and Connie listened as if it. wasa fairy story-.
"You must bring him round," Connie said. "I'm sure hets
going to: be an actor or. s ométhing:"
Her heart-dida leap and there was Ruth in the doorway,
in the blue two-piece, waiting for Jack to comé in behind. her


And he: was dressed in a a: dark suit, fitted close, elegant: and
clear-cuta: She : held her breath as he appeared. His, pipe was
on. Some .smoke drifted from him as : he came: to Ruth's side.
Then théy both peered through. the dimness; towards the. table, and
she saw Ruth's smile of recognition. : They had. an: easy, slow
way.of, walking, and Jack was erect without being stiff.. He
looked a little sunburned. Hed been in the mountains somewhere,
wherets) there 1d been skiing.
"Look. what, the cat's brought in!" Ralph cried.
They all turned. "Jack! Well, s*help me, God, hets:
turned up againt".
He shook hands all round,, giving them, his swift, dark
glance
"Been selling us to, Europe, mate?" Splinter asked.
*What's it like over there? Cold?"
"Plenty of snow. I was in. Zurich thist me.".
"He gets around, don't he?" Ted said to. the others proudly.
They were* all proud of Jack's trarels, in a strangely posséssive
way. 6
Ruth, sat next to her and looked. sideways at her. after giving
Connie a hullo. And Jack sat opposite, talking across to the
men. She noticed he didn*t.go into - a huddle with them byt staged
at the women's end of the table.. A coloured - handkerchier was
sticking carelessly out of his top pocket.r Ralph would never
dare to do that.
*Where's Polly tonight?" Janet asked Splinter, to make her
interests seem different from what they were - She thought. that
perhaps Jack looked at her swiftiy as she spoke, as 1f staptled
by the S ound of her voice.


: "She'll-be hére in a minutel" Hè smiled at-her benevolently,
with nis small, sharp features. "Jennifer was siok.".
"GO ' ànt' - Aftér the party?"
"That's right. He laughed.
"I wondered where she'd got tota:
"Pat - brought her home. I reckon it was'the jelly and"
excitement; don't' you?" :
Jack was looking acrossthe halls Apparéntly Ralph's
duet with Dick Bowes about whether they réally greased tour car
when théy said they were going to didn't intere'st him.
But he suddenly spoke 6 "Cath said they twisted all the
time." This wasto Splinter:
"I had to teach my Betsy this afternoon," she put on, determ-
ined he should look' at 'her:
"Yes, she said Betsy gavé them all lessons."
"Go à 'ont*
Janet didntt like Ruth's silénce and turned to'her. "Jas
Sonya jealous not going?*
"I think she was happy to have me all to herself." And to
her relief Ruth smiled.
*Shets bitten with. your Tim,* Jack said.
"And vice-versa," she replied and then flushed wildly. But
the waiter suddenly bent down with two more drinks, and she was
hiddens
- Jimmy Barnes wasntt coming, shé heard Splinter say. That
was a relier. :She couldn*t . take his jokes about précision-
tools and' slow-moving pistons tonight, with the men all huddled
round him. Jack always held apart from those huddles, she had
noticed. Sometimes it was $ trange to seé him among them.
Clearly he liked Ralph, but she felt he had little to Bay to him.


Splinter : started talking about: a: new process he'd seen-t
he. worked in a. printer's.shope: Like Jack, he seemed to love his
Work, and therefore she enjoyed hearing hime It. brought'a
like a man
( cértain mellow tone. to his voices ae + A #08 telling a: sea-:
story. He'd talked once about. the : new photoset machines. that
didn't require founts and keys but printed from- a ne tal plate,
and she could still remembér it, as if it'wasn't about machinery
at all. Ralph ought to have. work like that. - It showed. in
Ted's faces too:. in the sharpness and keèness. But Ralph seemed
to be waiting all the time. Listéning and smiling, never taking
the initiative:
"Did you get any remarks. about the new dress?" she asked
Ruth in a whisper:
"He séemed to liké it."
The band.struck up, a foxtrot. They always gave a sign that
dancing could begin by playing louder. More people streamed in.
There - was s the clatter of dishes. Dick Bowes began laughing at
something Ted had said: - his face was the barometer of all atmos-
pheres.
Ralph, after coughing and spluttering over a cigarette, began
talking to Jack about Sims and Tuke : : It surprised her to heer:
him talking bitterly. Old Sims, she heard him say, needed a.
bloody shaking up. It was his way of doings things that annoyed
people, he. said. I He never let a drop of feeling come : into, his
letters because of the damned position he was. supposed to have,
though nobody knew what it was. unless it was having sat on his
arse for forty years doing exactly, what his, father had brought him
up to do and not an inch moree He'd lost neerly ev ery foreign
client he'd ever had because, he wouldn't realise that they needèd
talking to and explaining things to. Even the bloody Chris tmas


were
X dinners age a routine, he said.
i Just as the waiter camé , to the. table for the fdod to be :
ordéred Polly appeared, slim and pale, her skin tight and dry as
usual, dressed in black like Janet but without the 'dleavage.
She was suddenly therer She nipped everywhere a She.nipped
from thê doorway to the table, she nipped rouna 'to her chair;
she was always saying, "I'll nip up the road' and get s ane more
cigarettes." Like Ralph, shè clung to cigarettes like life-'
belts. She talked fast and smoked with quick- puffs, deep into
her lungs, and did everything with sharp movements Without being
precisely a nervous persona Splinter, on the other hand, smoked
quietly ànd reministently, gazing before him. +
Polly was hardly in her seat before she had a joke cut;
in her piping, sauoy voice.
: "Hullo, Ruth---been touching-the old man for clothes again?"
She - wàs a Mile End girl.and you could- tell HRx Time had
done nothing to her accent-w-it- was bright, singsong, soft,
with the same cokkney optimis that Ralph*s father hed.
"Howts Janet?" Hére was her second volley. . "Joined the
salvation army yet, mate?".
Thât was a well-known one and éverybody laughed. Janet
flicked a glove at her playfully.
Thè waitér was behind her and she turned to him quickiy.
"Bring me a giniand tonic, derling, will you? Oh, you saucy
bugger---did you see the way hewinkedi"
Her repartee with the waiter was famous toos and they went
thr ough. - a sort of act-together.
"Jenny's been $ ick?" Jaék asked her.
She turned to him slowly without saying enything, thén
looked back at the - others with her eyebrows ràised.: - "I sayt -


Did you hear that? Lovely, atr it, thé way he speaks 2 -
She imitated his quiet voice. "tJenny's been si ck?' I'll
X say: she nast t- She spewed all over Splinter's ironed shirts!"
"Go on!" Connie cried, opening her mouth wide.
"I ironed them, toot". :
"She must have been doing thy twist," Ralph said.: "She
was teaching all the girls, Pat aai id."
"Talk about wist," Polly eried." "My daughter càme back
K inbloody knots't" : There was the' rather hushed laughter of fam-
iliarity. "I said, what the
hell. are
trhoety
you supposed to
bey the bow in the.pony's tail?" The.laughter was louder, with
expectation. "I'll say' she'd beèn twisting!: She was so twisted
up shè wiped her hands on the doormat and gave me a' kiss on the
arsejn : Here there was a roar---it usually went' in three stages
like that.: - Thé waiter joined in, as he was brining the drink.
Talk about Screamt*
And slowly the laughter subsided. Ralph wiped his eyes,
and' Splinter looked across at her admiringly. Sometimes he was
her butt, in a kind of two-man act. The merriment was infectious
cronics
Y and some of Didk Bowes sts nursery-garden who'd come in. with their
wives looked round from thé next table: and winked at hims
Sometimes you felt that' the:club was the only thing that
all
kept themysane: dropping in for a drink, reading the paper în
the smoking room downstairs where women were expected to go as
well. I The Chatsdowne greengrocer who.started it, swearing he'd
néver go to the local pub again and be turned out. at two sharp
in the afternoon and ten in the. ev ening, was a dànny one: he knew
thati
d his club took the chill out of lifé for - paegite andcoulan't fail.
His name was Herb Watsons He'd made a. pile after the war out
of his shops and now you could see him Saturday nights in his


ist :76.
smoking jacket standing by the band, flushed. and gasping .
He told everybody he never touched fruit or fresh vegetables,
and his skin. was as blotchy as a salami sausage.
"Pat does a nice jelly, doesn't she?" More laughter..
" And I liked the look of her trifle !"
galaxy
"You'il be the death of me, * " Connie said, showing. a giaxag
of fillings.
Janet was getting a bit tiddiy on the gin. As always on
Saturday night she looked back on the wéek days from a distance
and seemed to recognise nothing. And the hall became eve erything
for her---past and future: the draped satin ourtains coloured
* a delicious rust-gold and the white dickies of the band on their
platform, and the dim hall with lights oh every table glowing
among. faces that seemed strikingly dramatic because/thé gin or
Heyld
beer hed taken.
The waiter presented menus all round whioh opened like tall
books, and there was the usual game of pioking through French
names which no one understood, least of all the owner Herb Watson.
It irritated her and she wanted to say without looking at it,
"Rump steak and chips", except that she didn't want rump steak
and chips e From the men there was much stroking of chins,
which you'd expect from a craven lotiwho never chaa ged anything,
and they all murmured sheepishly words like sauté and escalop
and pot au feu. Only Jack was réally studying the thing wi th
food-in mind. Egy Ralph had a faintly bemused look, as if the
food would come in tinsel wrapping.
it was
And as usual/the women who broke things down.
"I'd like an underdone steak with onions and mashed,"
Polly. "Tickled with French whiskers."
The
who helped Téd on his
waiter,
allotament Sunday


mornings, didn't réally like this departure and murmured as
he noted down the order, "Purée, entrécot.. t" Ruth followed
with a condession to the Frenoh in sàying sauté. Then of
course there'd bè trouble over the wine. Only Jack had the
faintest idea of whether what you ordered would come out red,
white or a dirty brown. To tell the : truth, they all hated the
stuff but there had to be a taster who smacked his lips and nodded
judiciously, and they all had to say sométhing daft about how it
was a little dry, while secretly it. flummaxed them al that you
could describe s'omet thing wet as dry, and made them feel proud
too. Jack possibly got a bit of enjoyment out of drinking it.
But the others just felt flattered, as théy felt flattered by
the French menus. Thé food wasn't even good, either. Thé
potatoes were like leather if they weré baked, and like plaster
whén they were mashed. And as for the meat, you'd think they
had dug it up - somewhere.'
Jack ordéred a name she couldn't datch, which he said was
Algerian wine watered down, - but there was nothing wrong with
Algerian wine.
Ralph turned to her and asked quietly, 2 "Betsy and Mary get
to bed all right?"
"Yes. Tim woke up."
"He wanted to hear all about it."
"That's right."
"Sonya -never lets me go, its awful," Ruth told them.
"She seems to know where we're going before we decide ourselves."
And she added; "Cath was never like that."
Jack put in, "That's bécause we were in a pokey flat and
all had to pull together."
Splinter said he wouldn't mind his young days over again,


but nobody else agreed. Jack and Ralph were quite. definite
about it. Jack rêmembéred ' the time he wasan accountant's
clerk, and Ralph when he' was a: salesman.
"You talk as if you'ré : an old man," Janet said to Ralph.
"No, but the time for dreaming's over."
"I think it's just. begun,". she said.
"What do you say, Jaok?". Ralph asked.
"I don't think life changed much. - There are always dreams."
This madé her fèel so'happy that she could have hugged the
waiter as he brought the fake olaret to the table wrapped in a
napkin. Jack had a strange face. Sometimes it was blunt like
a Workman's, then it was delioate, with a long, fine nose - and
pleasantly reflective eyess His two lives. showed.
The talk got on to London. Who was a real Londoner?
Only Polly and Ralph.. And Ruth said you could see it in both
of them: a oertain perkiness, like city-sparrows.
"One of Jack's cousins is coming to'stay soon," she 'went
on. "Shets a real dockney. Born within the sound of Bow.
Bells."
Polly took quick puffs at her cigarette so that no smoke
could be seen until she suddenly breathed it out in a straight
shaft just above people's heads. It was like a mechanical
action, exactly thé same each timé. - Raiph's method was more
casual---smoke : drifted round his mouth. before hè drew it into
his lungs,and: :less séemed to come out.. The sueetish smell
of their exhaled smoke drifted across to her, like hay gone
rotten, with something oddly. intrusive. about it. She knew her
dress would smell of it'afterwards, in faot it had become one
of the exciting associations of going out. Jack puffed at his
pipe with short puffs that were like thoughts cut off before


ripeness. Only Ruth-sat collected and still. Connie
listened. closely to everything said, and oast her eyes round
in a fajntly anxious way as if waiting to.be tapped on the
shoulder.
: F The. meal' : came and they spread their paper serviettes on
their laps.
*Why can't we have real napkins?" Janet asked. i
"Because it's too expénsive," Splinter said. "Laundry.
That's what Herb Watson told' me."
Ralph looked at her. "What's wrong with
You
paper?
throw- it away at the end--itrohimplof."
"It just feels nicer, that's all."
The food arrived already served on plates like in a snack
bar. - She sipped her wine and. was just about to make a facé
when she sàw how Jack was enjoying his, with grateful draughts,
and checked herself.
Ralph looked younger than he did in' the week, and with
aga In
suddeh-vividness she rémembéréd Jeffis
Jive rooms in York,
and wondered that he could ever have' fallen for 'a gawky, pale
ser
creature 1ike her, with bare elbows sticking out of an unsightly
woldmddenly
silvery dress. She à always been terrified that heea/come to
his senses. His hair had béen fairer than, or was that her
imagination? It had had more lustre. He*a spent more time
X out of doors/perhaps. But he wasn't grey. His skin had been
less dry, too. Shé remembered what her father, the son of a
Yorkshire farmer, used to say: "Food is what your body's made
out of, sonslways see you eat well.* And shé. wondered what sort
of lunches Ralph got at the office. To her mind he'd eat any-
thing so long as everybody elsé was doing the same. Whereas
Jack's.skin was still soft, and his eyes didn't have that glaze,


and as for his. hair-t-. She found herself gazing at him
hard, and quickly turned back to her, food.
"Will you please : take your partners for the spot?" sounded
out from.the loudspeakers. She ha ted that kind of thing:
a blue spotlight played on the floor. and oouples wére eliminated
until only. one was left. It was Herb Watson's idea. And that
was followed by a foxtrot where any man could come. up to you
while you were dancing ànd take you away from your partner a
She liked a' s traight dance, with: a man she knew.
Thé spotlight played. over the floor while the other lights
were turned out, and the out glass of .the chandelier in the
centré flashed and sparkled
all watohed the
dimly. They
shy
couple takè their prize: the girl's hair was blown up into a
sort. of globe thè way Betsy wanted, these days, as if it had a
good' wind undérnea th it all the time; and the boy's trousers . :
were so narrow that she could see the sweat behind the calves
of his lègs 6
At last the dessert was ovèr and'sticky liqueurs were.
serted: kirsch was the n'ew idea---that was another thing that
it made them feel proud to sayen But she liked some Italian
stuff with a sort of miniature tree growing in 'the bottle,
though the actual tasté madé. hér shudder. Her cheeks were
burning and she listened to Ruth telling Polly how you spràyed
your shoes with some. liquid and it made them waterproof. a
To her surprise she was trembling again.
Polly oalled. across to her husband, np What about that dance
Jonet
you promised me?" She almost clung to her seat with expec tat t=
ion. The smash-and-grab dance as Jânet always called it was
now ovér; and it was a quickstep. Splinter, after.a look. of
mock-boredom at Ralph, got. up---and then to her ecstatic surprise


Ruth léaned forward-and said to: Jack, "What about giving
Jan.a dance? : I dan feel her feet : twitohing!"
"Mind how_you. go;" Ralph. said-to her as i she : got up: with
a: smile."You've got to be .oareful of s trange men, you know."
Polly and Splinter had alréady lèft ' the : table and-Jack -
was standing behind her.s Then they waiked towards :the floor
and suddenly she was quite calm,
She noticed he was a little. stiff, even nérvous; perhaps
from his plane-trip that day, and at first they. danced rather
sedately: But there were plenty of other people on the floor,
and it began to feel jolliér:
"What was France like?" : she
did a quick I
aksed
they.
whirl for the first time.
"I always get a bad liver. Foodts too.good:"
"Don't think I'm being disloyal to Ruth. Only she
uses lèss butter."
They : danded faster and she felt 8o happy : she could have
screamed with laughter. She saw nothing else in the. . hail.
The glittering band, the dim: lights at thè tables and thé bulky
mass of pe ople dancing ènd shuffling were only agiddy background
for her: She glanced at him and marvelled to see that'l he was
smiling too. And he was a: little flushed nows Though hé had
the sort of dark skin that didn't show a flush.
Polly and Splinter passéd them. Splinter was the smaller
by several inches and lookèd like a man pushing a trolley.
Polly oalled out to them, "Now, then, Jan, what would your drumz
major say?*
Jack held her close for'a moment: she could feel his
fountain-pen against her.. Them suddenly the dance was at 'an


end, having lasted - about ten séconds as far.as she was. concerned 6
But
X Aa to her as tonishment Jack stayed exactly where he was. There
were other couples waiting for the next dance toow--they usually
did two. quioksteps in a' - row :
The music started again and-this.time they danced very close.
She could feel his breath on the side of her face. She'd forgot-.
ten the others, the table in the, corner seemed far away. Splinter
and Polly seemed to have left the floor. but she hadn't noticed
them. She hoped Jack hadn't. either. She hoped he was as lost.
"Do.you know what thé French say about us?" he asked her.:
He glanced round the hall as they made another whirl:
"They say we *re. America*s. commerciàl travellers."
She gaped at him and said. nothings She, tried 'to work out
what he said as having a hidden meaning but there didn't seem to
be any. So she just smiled and nodded. : Of. c.ourse it was like
Jack to say that.sort of thing:
Then there was a blues tune, very slow and soft: - She felt
she wanted to lay her head on his shoulder and sleep, not face
any problems any: more, not return. to her life. :And she nearly
did soi when the tune ended it was like: hearing the. alarm in the
morninga.
"Are you sleepy?" hé asked hér almost in a, whisper.
"1 Drunk?". he said with à smile a
She shook her head mutely. Ànd to her further astonishmen t
he again didn't moves Whatiwould Ralph say? Ruth?
Yét she and Jack had done that before---danced three, four,
five times in a row until they had no. more breath., But now it
was different. At léast for hers


The hem of : his: jacket was touching her hip: - it: might have - *
been. eleotrio for the awareness she had : of it. To her relief :
Rat
< she saw Ralph and Ruth walki on to: the floor t oge ther.. She
wouldn't. do much whirling. in- that two-piede, but then Ralph
wasn't mudh: of a whirler. It was going to be another quiokstepe.
Ruth waved to her and she waved baok happlly., hoping her relief:
didnt
A Honldntt shows.
This une was a great earth-thumper, one of those : where you
felt.your heels wére beating the drums right through the floor. :
And a kind of sigh went up from the tables---of excitement.
At once and she Jack were taking short, quick steps, not those
silly clever ballroom steps you seè on TV in the C ompetitions
but real 'sort of half-léaps; a cross between jitterbug and
A barndance, pulling away from each other.and meeting again as
if theytd néver done anything but dance ail their lives ae
And. this d'ance' was répeatéd too. They.could forget the world!
How they skidded and - flew in between the other C ouples without
touching : them She didn't know, - but' their legs seeméd.to be worked
by machines. - There' was a rapt look on Janet's face, half. a.
X Amile, and she gazed straight in front of. her, becaise that was
the way' you didn't get giddy. - At'a. sudden turn she caught a
glimpse. of Ruth, dancing much faster than' she would have thought possill
A in thatytwo-piede. And Ralph . was staring before him in. his
disembodiéd way, or so she assumed from his flashing presence.
Jackts eyes were gléaming and there, was. a kind of grim ferocity
about his. danc ing, and she found herself suddénly envying Ruth
because shè would be. al one with him. that night, and all night.
Her bracelét made a: clinking noise as he daught hold of her,
like oopper hanging on a gypsy dancer', and the band beat even harder
so' that shé thought she had no body' left and would go flying


off among the tables. Even when. it came to. : the end.she, seemed
not. to. stop, only her feet, stood.still like two. mechanical things
suddenly planted there and throbbing. with motion; and Jaok stood
at her side, panting and smiling. i The-drift of dancers off the
floor, # brushing. past them, had nothing. to do.with her. and. she was
only vaguely aware 1 of : their shadows. Ruth. and. Ralph were nowhere
to be seen. The lights glowed as lights do when you cease to
focus your eyes; and the tall.satin.ourtainé ail round. were like
one. bronze cylinder that enclosed them all. When the next
music began, in a slower rhythm, they were in .each other's arms
at once, as if there hadn 't beena pause. -
This. dance ended. suddenly too; with. a great thump, and
everything was still again. This time they must go. back; and
without. a word to each. other, only puffing and
with a
smiling,
gasped laugh. now and then, they stumbled towards the table in
the corner; through other couples.
- But. there was no one there. They looked at each other.
There wasn tt even a handbag on. the table, only. her own; not a
stole left by one of the. womens There were only the empty
K 1iqueur glassés. - No Rserved card stood on. the. table as béfore.
That meant they must have given it upi Polly's.cigerettes that
had been on .the table weren't there. The ashtrays had. been
oleared away.
" What time is it?" bhe asked. him.
"Gone midnight." I
Thèy stood looking at each other. He shrugged and made
a slight smile.
" They must have gone," she saida
"I suppose so."


"Were we so long?" - shesaid.":
"We must have been."
"I suppose Ralph* S s'taken theoar."
"I've still got mine," he said. "Ruth can't drive:".
"He' must havertaken hér baok too."
- At: : the samé time' they' we're excited. Thrown together like :
thist Their mouths fliokéred witha smile as they talked,' and
they tried to stop it' showing.' -
: * "What shall we d'opa he said.
"You'd-better drivé me home, I suppose. ,mi - i
They walked downs ta: irs" to the cloakrooms and got their
coats, not thinking to ask when thé others had left. Théy felt
they knew' the answer.
Jack-had a Citroen, the sort that sat down slowly like an
old lady when you put the brake on. When. they slammed the doors
after getting in the sound had S omething exciting and forbidden.
about it's suchas she. hadn't felt for years. t There wèré parked
cars all: round them, and again they didn't think to look for"
Splinter's: or Ralph's oar: - Taok's lights shone on bonnets,
dickies, number-plates, 6 And the car swung into the road out-
side.: The town was déserted, with. its bare lights and shop-
fronts..
Thè white of his shirt-cuffs gleamed as he -chenged gear,
and her low neck gleamed with the same' brightness. between the
fur stole she'd wrapped round hér shoulders. Then-they were
on the dark Chatsdowne highway, whirring along like a speedboat
on. a. smooth sea. He' had put his pipe on, which' annoyed her.
He hadn't had'time to fill it with tobacoo. so'l he was chewing on
it thoughtfully. She could see his"frown in the darknéss:
Now she was alone" with him she C ouldn't focus her attention on


the him she 'd started to dream about that day. The physical
him at her. S. ide was remote i : and the dreamed one was the réal i
one; and.she hoped to. make them meet.
They drew closer and closer to Pyfield Green: and s he - began.
to feel sadi. - The week-day numbness returned.. Why was he such
a fool. as. to think she wanted - to be - driven back home?. :
As. if she'd said this aloud. he.glanced at her sideways . :
and murmured, "Would you: like a breath of + air?"
"Yes, It gets. so stuffy there, doesn't it?"
They wére still some miles from home. , He slowed down
and took the first lane going left, between young trees and
bushes, with the hushed countryside suddenly all round them.
He went nearly a mile, driving slowly, and they saw hardly a
house-all the way. They must be near the edge of the Downs.
At.a gravel patch he st opped and they got out into the silence.
Their shoes scraped. on the path.. There were tall trees near
by, then the slow sweep of the hills in the darkness, that
stretched for miles and. miles a ! There was a clear sky and :
his.. cuffs shone. . as, before, like her neck. He.filled his pipe
as they strolled along, and st opped to strike a. match. She
didn't want to sée his face. clearly over the match, so,she
turned away until he'd blown it out again.
"I've.never. enjoyed a: dance so muoh," he.said.
She said nothing , to thisa They wal ked. along the edge of
a field, quite close to gether. If by chance his jacket touched
X her they both seemed tomtlinch. She'd néver felt so tongue-tied
in her life. : Shè could see the. : stars now: :
The air was biting cold and dry, as she liked it. They
could. see the field rising. at their. left beyond a fence, and
a farmhouse lowerdown on' the other side with one yellows twinkling


light behind a curtainy lying deep in -the valley.
"Wéren't you born r néar : here?* she asked.
"In Chichester.*.
The bowl of his pipe glowedired when he took aisuok at it:
"It'sifunny when you come : back to-this country," he said,
gnawing at the thing as if the wood-tasted good. *imhe incentive's
gone out of life. * Do you 1-know - what I mean?* 4
"I think so.".
"Everythings at a'standstill with a hell of noise
going ont"
He laughed at the idea:
* Do you vote Labour?" : -
looked
He stopped and geped at hér : in the darkness; and didn't
reply at once: Why did She always have tosay such silly things?
*Well, I dos More - in hope than conviction.* He added;
this * ti ime studying the bowl of his pipé in the darkness; "I don't
blame the peoples really: . The : country's been Americats aircraft
carriér since the end of the, war, ànd of oourse their : pride's
been knocked I to pieces. -Thé English are freé or nothing:":
The silence. was 'immense all round them.
'"You. work with Americans,' dan*t, you?" shei asked quietly:
- she was going to be. careful this'timé
"Well, they're on the C ommission sometimes, yes:".
mote
They walked on and - hisbowl gleamed again; making much, / light
than you'd think, giving him a sort of livély mask like in one
of thosé pierrot shows at the-e end. of the pier:.
"One of-these chaps,s stastistics coprdinator they call him,
hets from the States and he says he thinks this country's ab out
the most barbarous placé in the civilised warld.. Hes not far
wrong, either. ."


"What : does he' moan?" : she asked;i still: treading carefully.
"Oh, the hotels, I suppose; : the: food, the papers---the
mess,
genéral taysonty I supposé €
"Your work sounds interesting---that's more' than I'l1 say
for Ralphits," she said tremulouslys: :
"I'm only a walking notebook : for other people.t.
: They came toi the end of thepath and turned' up a" narrower
one; between hedgess They saw a house straight aheàd, white
and Georgian with tall, orderly windows and ivy' on ' the walls.
It must/be somebody's driveway.
. - Then they turned back: Again she had a flat feeling.
A dance followed by a lecture in the. dark was all she wa's'going
to get; it: seemed. - But what elsé did she want?. - She' caught
her breath at. the realisation that she did want soné thing else.
His pipe à had g one out.. He sucked at it twice to make. sure,
then blew through it like : a man with'a trimpet, présumably. to
clean oùt the flues. Then : he took it out off his mouth and
A 7 staréd'into the : bowl: Hè was: going to knook the ash out,
She could feel ite- : And he did glance round in a preparatory sort
of wayar But there were only bushes." There's always your heel,
her
she thought: And he seemed : to have heardjbecause he promptly
stopped and lifted his lèg like a horse being shogi, and than
ting
knocked thel blasted out on his: heell She waited patiently; lke you
yous
Hke
as-a-woman mig ght wait for her' husband to come. out of a lavatory,
her head : sl ightly in the air.
But it didn't stop thére. He now had to feel for his
. tobacco pouch. Brt He did this walking
Then he filled
along.
has finger
the bowl by pushing/down into the tobacco and-feeding ttwith
with funny little fiddling movements that made her
want to knock him on the head. Now. the pouch was folded and


put away, and the ebowl"" 'packed dowd with : the middle finger
At this rate she preferredicigarettes. Ah,' natohést Here
they came.:: - Rattled Smartly' to sée' if there wefé any. Yes,
u yes, Saved aguint T Then a matchi blzed in't the'darkness, and
a mad suck, suck, suck; suck started, with immensé clouds of smoke
flooding out, as if he wanted to fire the whole county.
Now hei was fully himself again'. 1 Hë clamped the mouthpiede * :
firmly betwéen his téeth'and put his hands. in his pockets.
"Why do' you smoke thati silly thing? the Words werë out
of her mouth before she knew whrat
He looked at her. "what?"
"I said you look a' damned fooi smoking that thing!"
Hé: stood quite still. - She seemed to have stunned him.
The pipe almost fell out ofhis mouth:
But she went on, seeing her effect. "Haven't you got
better manners?"
Hé took the thing - out of 'his mouth---to gape at hery it
seemed. And then he did an amazing thing. Without a word
moré he made a gréat détermined swing of his body and'f flung
the pipe high into the néxt field; - over the hedgé. Now it.
was her - turn to gape.. Thesparks flew from it andshe watchèd
its high, arched course, red and glowing. Then it' was gone in
the grass.
"Now are you satisfied?# hé said with his mouth almost
dlosed.
She tried to say something grateful but couldn't. For
a moment the sky was vaster and more still than she'd ever seén
f it, and they were both held in this sti illness as isho real move-
ment was possible in thé world. She was so ' overjoyed that she


wanted to.ory and laugh.at: the same time.. Yet she didn't know
Because
why d NEISC
tate hetd bound himself to-her in that act?
Without even intending/himself?: : Did. he realise it too?
He seemed to;: by the. way. he stood - the ere staring. at, her, with. a
peculiar, dark, concentrated I earnestnéss.
- And it:made her afraids : Suddenly she thought -of Tim.
Herd be. lying in bed at this moment, à lock of, hair still fall-
ing. over his temples his arm hanging out of thè bed. And
Ralph. Where was he? Suddenly.she réalised . the en-ormity of
everything she'd been thinking: :She wanted to. run. She mus t
get back home immediately, find her family.
"Jack," she said breathlessly, "take.me home now "
"Yes, it must be laté,"
They hurried along; :their heads forward, not speaking.
Tim's face occurred to her again, sunk into the pillow. At
the same,time she was happier than she dould ever remember
be ing.. : And frées The sky seemed immensely free. t She was
aware, of its aeons of freedom;: its domethat inoluded every, thought
and wish youncould have. They jumped into the car and shè,
drew the wrap round her.. She wasn't quivering any more.
She felt. a strength that gripped her whole bodys And she hoped
- hedid too.:
When they drew up outside the house she saw that Ralph
wasn 't home. at alls The garagé was open and there: was no
car. She stared while, Jack wai ted for her to get out.
She didn't move at once because she was astonished. He
turned the engine off and the road was absolutely. silent.


She stared in at the garage as if the car might have shrunk
and fitted itself into a dark corner. But there was only the
smell of petrol and oil. She went into the house. Not a
sound. The fire in the sitting room was dead. She went
quickly into their bedroom. There was the smell of her own
scent still on the air. No Ralph. She switched on the light
to make sure, then put it out at once again.
She ran outside. "He isn't back."
"Where've they all gone, then?"
They stood together on the pavemen t, sl ightly brushed by
a breeze. Not a sound came from the highway.
"Let's try my place," he said. "They might be there."
They drove round the curve to Ruth's place but they found
the same: no lights.
"I'll see," he said, jumping out.
He went through the same perf ormance as she had, peeping
into the garage, going into the hall, putting on the light in
the upstairs bedroom for a moment. Then he returned and bent
dowm to speak to her through the car-window.
"You know," he said with a smile, "I think they're still
at the olub."
"But they can't be.*
"Why not? We didn't try the smoking room.*
"Unless they're at Splinter's."
"We could try,". he said. "But I think they're at the
They drove through Pyfield Green to Splinter's house 9.
but there was no answer when Jack rang the bell. It was a
tiny, depressing, red-brick place.
"What's the t ime?" she whispered from the car.


"Well past one."
So they found themselvés on the: highway again, this time.
travelling fast. Also.it was cold.. He switohed the heating
on - but it brought in a smell of fumes, so he put it off again.
She found that she was biting her lower 1ip anxiously and tapp-
ing her foot on the floor.
When they arrived a few of the cars had g one, but not
manya The first thing they saw was Ralph's, sitting exactly
A wheresheta parked it herself:
n They are here," she said, as if it was 'all a conspiracy:
They. walked past the C loakroom without putting in their
coats and then up the gaudy stairoase.
"Let's. try the: smoking room," Jack said..
And there they. all were: Sitting as large as life in
big armohairs as if nothing had happened.
There. was Ralph la ughing and . joking with his back to the
door, she could. have hit him over the head. with her handbag.
Dick Bowes - saw them first, which was unusual for him, as he was
always. séemed half+seas over. They all turned round and stared
at them, Ruth inoluded.
"Where, are you going?" Ruth asked Jack, her mouth open :
"Going? We 've beent"
"Where?*. They all gaped.
Janet took over, speaking: to Ralph. "What did you do that
"Come down here without saying a word. We thought you'a
gone home : "
"Gone home?"
"We 've been soouring Pyfield Green for you!".


" Wha t?m
"Oh,: dontt keep saying what!* Janét oried, : and drew a
laugh.
"And how : would I get home?" he asked her.:
"In the.dar of course tn
"I haven't got the. keyst They're in your bag."
"Oh.": She looked round in a slightly pleading way, :and
they had a good laugh at her expense agà ind
"Anyway, it come and sit down and have a drink, duck," Polly
been
said. "You*11. need it if youtve/aloné in a car with himet-
these dark buggers are all the same f# And she. lét out an énorm-
ous belly laughs They must. have been. stoking up like a ship's
furnaoes Even Ruth looked as'souséd. as - a herring à
"I.thought that was a. bloody. long dancë you two was
having!" Polly went on.' . She nudged Janet, who'd sat down at
was Re tike
her side on -the sétteés "What did thedo in the car; mate?.
Hope : he found the right gearsy eh, Ruth?"
"Well, what's it going to be,. Jan?" Splinter: asked her with
something comforting in his. voice:
"I. think I'll have a whisky after all that."
"But didn't the waiter tell you we: were down here?"
Ralph asked.
"There wasn tt a waiter in.sight," Jack said. "Just an
empty table."
"Sounds fishy to me," Polly said quietly. And she made
them all laugh aga in with her look.
"We evén went to Splinter's place," Jack told Ralpha
"You!ve had quite an outing!"
"You should have phoned from our plade," Ruth said,
"and we dould all have driven over."


"I couldn't," Ralph said. "Not without the keys "
"No, that's right!":
"I. wonder:the chap in the cloakroom didn't tell you,":
Connie saids "He - knew we didn'tigo out." .
"He was béing discréet, mat te," Polly-said. "He thought
Some
they'd slipped out for etrttrof slap'and tickle." at She turned
to Janet: "I bet they don't that in the Salvation Arny."
Théy got on to another. subject after the drinks came
and she sank: further into.her chair, feeling she, could. breat the
properly at lasté : Dick Bowes was almost asleep," meaning it
was very. late.) - wetnktsd-fere-showed-throwed-the seasons the time
she
ofay.
It must be a comfort living with him, Tenert thought:
no blame; no. curiosity, just like: a tree or: a field. But she
was accountable to Ralph for.everything.
: She. almost dared not look at Jack: she expected his face
to show. traces of. the:last hour. : , But when.she. glanced at. him
it didn'ta His eyes were conoentrated and he was leaning for-
ward to héar sométhing Ralph was saying : t. For a fluttering
V moment she wondered if the last hour had meantanything to him.
But then she remembéred the tall, arched flight: of the glowing
pipe.
"We were all watching you," Ruth said to her quietly.
"When you were dânc ing. You seemed to have springs in your
Dick Bowes spoke, and everybody turned to him because it
was such an event. "I wish. I could get round the floor like
that, anyhow *
"You C ould," Connie told him with mild reproof : "It's
only a matter of confidenoe."
"I'm too slow."


kim
"He'ts not too slow to get three pints 'of beer down, in-
side an hour, I've noticed," Connie'told the others.
"That's different,* Splinter said.' "Béer travels by
jet, don't'it, mate?"
Herb Watson had fiked'up ohandeliers in this room too and
they cast à maké-believe grandeur ovèr everything, conspiring
with the deep, plush armdhairs. She felt happy and calm.
kkalwas ahat
She dared to let herself think of her new lifeigr fornshe had
one at last.
In thé corner of her èye she saw Jaok fiddle in his pooket
while hé talked to Ralph, - and she guessed this was his automa tio
motion' when hè took out' his pipe. She only hoped he didn't
carry two. She waited, her eyes fixed on Ruth so that she
could take in Jadk at the edge of her Vision. He fifdled once,
twioe in the same' pocket. : Then the other pookét. Then it
'stopped." 'He léaned forward with his elbows on his knee's and
seémed to forget all about it. His thoughts mist have been
contagious bedause Ralph lit up nervously and' was soon blowing
his rotten-hay stink across the table.
Janet turned to Ruth, admiring her: "You look' as frèsh as
Y when you came. How do you
"steamed vegetables and dark bread," she said with a' smile.
Polly's eyes were bloodshot and she looked drawn and pale.
Splinter, too, seemed to bé fading under the liquid weight of
all his beers i There were yawns all round. /
"What ab'out it?" Ralph asked; looking at everybody.
"Yes," Polly said, "I think we' 've had our lot tonight,
don't you?*
The men went' to the loakroom to get the coats and she


heard Splinter say in his cosy voice as they were coming back,
X "I've got to be on that allotyment tomorrow morning."
"Come round and have a drink one evening, duck," Polly
said to her as they got up.
"Yes, we will."
They drifted out of the building with the orowd. The
night was crisp and bright ând cléar still.
"Shouldn't be surprised if we don't get snow," she heard
Dick say. "Ttards the end of the month."
Headlights were C aming on and engines were starting.
There were ories of goodnight. They stood in a group shaking
hands, and she and Ruth kissed. She noticed the warmth of
Ruth's cheek, like a little brazier, and for a moment she was
frightened on hér behalf.
She and Ralph walked away alone.
"Not too bad, # as it?" she said.
"Not too dusty."
They got in the car and she yawned.
"Tired?" he asked.
"Well," hè said with a laugh, "you*ve been driving ail
over the dountryside!"
He drew on to the road and switched on his lights in one
expert movement.
"I reckon we néeded the fresh air after the 'way we danced,"
shé said.
"I reckon you did." Hè added, "He certainly don't dance
liké a parliamentary under-seoretary, does he?"
"No, but he will be if he goes on like he is doing 4"


They got . on to the highway and began speeding along.
"You watch that.boy,". he said. "He'll go up like a
And his, saying. meteor réminded her of the pipe flying
through the night.
"He says it looks as if we won't get into Europe," he
went ons
She stared at him in the darkness. "Who won*t?"
"England."
"What do you mean, why?"
"I mean what's it about?" she said. :
"England's trying to get into Europe. Hasn't it got
into your women's magazines yet?" He made his rippling laugh,
then added, "Jaok's on the trade mission. Didn't he tell
you that?"
"He talkéd about America, I think."
"Oh; he's got - a bee in his bonnet about that."
There was a pause and he spoke again: "If he didn't talk
about his work what did you talk about? Beacuse old Jack talks
about nothing elsek"
"I noticed thati" She decided to làugh, and. to maké it
sound deprecatory:
She réalised suddenly that they were just passing the path
where she and Jaok had turned off, and it seémed marvéllous for
a moment that the clear domed sky overhead was the same sky they'd
walked under only an hour or so before.
Théy said nothing more to e ach other until they were home.
He quickly put the car in the garage and pulled the door down,
while. she glanced in the direotion of Ruth's house and noticed


a tiny light. that might be the : bedroom..
saturday night was thej irt night but Ralph didn't 1 move
olose - to her this time, and she was thankful for it: - He was#
too tired and made. . a great fuss of himself groaing . and yawning.
He'd never laughed.s0 much at Polly as tonight, he said. While.
she and-Jaok were upstairs dancing she td kept them in fits for
an hour - or more, which was probably why they forgot allAbout thé
miss sing couple:
And he went on to talk dreamily about the Saturday nights
hetd had as a child with aunt Kate in Shoréditoh. The whole
family used to troop over, he'said." She was a lovely women,
with fine blonde hair that stretohed down to her waist when it
was unravelleds And . the way shé swore, he.said, it was like
musict - And sherd had thé same cookney humour as Polly.
A rich voicë that'sent a shiver'down your epine. 'He used to
X be nervous an hour before she gave him the goodenight kiss--
and he could only have been nine at the time. She was all gold
K to him. He always piotures hèr gold. She had deep gleaming
éyes'anda plump, rosy face and a cupid's b'ow mouth. &nd why
should she have died in agony? Thére' seemed no justice in
that t.
She let him fall asleep. It was 8o silent that the breath
through her nosé was like à tiny windo She'tried to imagine
his face4--dark, with piércing black eyes, and his smooth skin.
But she couldn't. She 'put a pipe in his mouth to help the
f picturé but it didn*t'do. the trickl - A sigh of love, they said.
She hoped Ruth was tired too.: She hoped hé wàs lying in the
dark thinking, exactly as she was.:


: The next day went like . a sécond.: : Ralph st ayed in bed
-until after ten with the Bheet over his. head while. she and:Betsy
got the breakfast. Then he got up in his dressing gown, look-
ing greya - Hesaid mixing whisky and beér in the wrong order had
/ upset hima - He didntt éven light. a digarette. Betsy séemedto
be starting a olde--shetd goné into the street to foool off'
1 at the party,1ike a fool. Tim still wanted to hear all about
the party from Mary---he . was too in awè to trouble Betsy---and
kept insisting until she,was in téars. As a réprisal he : stamped
and broke one of Janet's nicest powder 0 ompacts which happened
to be. on the floor by his feet. But none of it affected her.
She. made a" second pot of tea after breakfast and did the washing
and frying gp herself. Then she laid the fire in' the sitting
room and hoovered the. carpet, and after lighting the fire-she
installed Ralph by it with a hot water bottie in his lap.
All the beds wère made beforè noon. a
Thère were clouds outside but they weren 't dréary bedausé
they looked like snow-clouds, as Diok had promised, and çast
a dim, dosy light in the rooms. She héard Ralph rust tling the
Sunday pap ers, whole layers.of them, and she looked forward to
getting her magazines out again after lunoh.' ' Shei didn't think
of anything in.partioular. shè only knew. her life had changed,
and it was enough for her. She couldn*t bear to think what it
had been 11ke only yesterday. :
Shé wondered that she'd ev er attachéd so much importance to
sun shine. She didh't oàre : if it rainèd every day for a month
of Sundays. Ànd the snow could come or stay put as it liked.
They'd bought a nice joint of salted beef the day before,


and shetd had 1t in soak all night. d' 4 That was Ralph*s fav-
ourite, with young boiled carrotsy potatoes and peas-pudding.
< Tim was s0-mady for peas-pudding that: she - had'to make enough
for an. army For. afters : shé made. real custard---like her:.
- mother, she never : allowed - custard powder in the house; and a
nice apple pie flvoured with cloves and cinnamon. - Bétsy.
wandered in and out trying to look like a ghost. and' méking loud.
sniffing noises, because she mèant to. miss school next day;
until Janet said,, "All right, darling, Iget your pointi"
She busied herself patting the edge of the pastry with. a
knife so that the children would get bored and léave her to !
imagine all sorts of things alone. Still she: couldn't see
his face: it was only a vague feéling of liberation which chose
his face as its centre.
The - fire crackled and spat in the sitting room and she
found herself looking forward. to television which started at.
three with a brains' trust; after she. and Ralph had dozed in
their chairs and the ohildren had been sent outs There, in
front of the TV screen, she could dream for hours. Then the
street would gét darkér.and youtd begin to see the, flames against
the wall, and after tea Ralph might get her a whisky and soda
with the ioe tinkling musically, whilé the children- took a bath
upstairs under Betsy's supervision.
They watched television all evening efter she'd bathed the
She
F children because Betsy was snuffling too much. Tat domed.
three whiskies and hardly felt. it. He wàs yawning before She
even began thinking about bed. And not onde did she: fix her
- mind on anything 6 She: just letpit drift.
"I hope you don't get the cold - too, she said.-
" Oh, I'm all right.".


ioi -
She glanced at him for a moment frightened that he knew
I 1
more than he showed. But he was looking at the screen with a
placid fade. Or was he a better actor than she realised?
She felt a rush of shame.
".Shall I gét you something hot?"
"Stop worrying, for Christ's sake !"
That was better. He wouldn't shout - if anythign was
wrong
That night became their night. She was surprised that she
didn't reooil from him in any way or feel strange. a And this
ihely
surprise was a surprise to her: as if she already
belonged
someone else. In faot, there was a new withheld excitement.
Hardly for a moment did the image of Jack leave her mind---or
rather the feeling of Jack. And it made Ralph separate from
her for the first time. The excitement of this seemed to oomm-
unicate itself to him too. He seemed less---behind a blanket.
She didn't try in any way. She didn't care. And that too
seemed a source of new excitement.
She was aware of keeping her loyalty to Jack fieroely and
obstinately and a quick thought of divoroe even orossed her
mind. But she couldn't imagine leaving Ralph. She didn't even
find she wanted to. Yet it was as 1f she and Jack had been
marriéd all these years, not she and Ralph. It was as if they
were making intimate plans together in the silence. Only
afterwards, when Ralph had moved away from her again and they
were both quiet, did she feel the madness of it, in a drowsy and
also ecstatic way. Ruth was her best friend, Jack she hardly
knew eto, eto. She wanted to stay awake all night. She saw
so clearly how your life changed, even to the nerves of your
body $ when you had a dream.


Ralph got up earlier than usual and brought her" a cup of
tea in bed. Mary wàs alréady awake and asking not to go to
school. AS: for Betsy, she douldn't' breathe : through her nose
and had thé sheet right up to her eyes when Janet. looked in.
So she décided to take only Tim. He hadn't woken up yet.
It was still,dark outside and she'loved the way the yellow
glow from the upstairs rooms fell on their own trees,autitits
which were bare and still. Ralph was moving about quickly down-
stairs and she heard the milkman lay three pints on the step, and
then there was the elctrio whine of his van as it drew away.
Ralph raked out the fire and took the ashes into the back yard.
He'd switched on the news and she heard the announcer's empty,
fluting voice, as if theré douldn't be anything exiiting or
unusual in the world.. But she knew better than that.
"You haventt even a snuffle," she said to Mary quietly as
she took Tim out of his béd.. "I know your game."
"I'm going to have one," Mary said, turring the pages of
her book.
She put Tim in the basket chair in the kitchen, wrapped in
a blanket. He was still half-asleep and she noticed again how
likè Ralph he was, only Ralph with no defendes'in his face.
"Looks like rain," Ralph murmured from the hall as. he pulled
his raincoat on. Light was: just breaking through and there
seeméd to be a heavy mist, which accounted for thé . deep silence
round the house.
she
Earlx morning exercises started on the radio and turned it
down. Then she saw Ralph off: his raincoat was gréen-cum-
grey-cum-brom - and had a schoolboy belt round it which he always
secured at the second hole. She kissed him affectionately and
noticed the slight wrinkle round his mouth and his puffy skin


under the eyes, and : the smoothness of his chin, and the way
hé glanced at her: quickly as he walked down the path, with' some-
thing intimate yet also wondering and even amtsed : in his éye.
Tim was s0-pleased to have breakfast alone wi th her down-
stairs that he forgot to à ask why hè was going to school alone
until he was in the'schoolyard. Ralph wa's right---thère was
a nasty drizzles Most of 'the trucks still had their headlights
- on' along the highway. After. - seeing Tim in his olass she *wènt
along to the other school and gave her excuses for' the girls.
- The teacher stayed and Achatted with her a while. She seemed
to like Janet, co d looke al Rar wisyulls, with admiraion parlpe.
He grrls /
She took then breakfast upstairs when she got baok; which
felt
1 was so unusual that Mary gapéd at her, espedially as she WEES as
right as rain. Jânet enjoyed. watching them' drag the low table
into the middle of the room and sit down under the glowing lamp
like' a couple of old matrons. Betsy's nose was red, and Janet!
put kleénex on her shopping list---she wasn 't going to have a pile
of sopping handkerchiefs at the end of the day: She was in
such excitement that she had to 'hold herself in' ail the timé in
casé the children noticed. And with Ralph too sheta had to be
careful. - She wa's surprised to find that she didn't want aotually
to be with Jack. He would be in London now. She only required
him to be in the world somewhere. They might see éach other in
a week, two weeks---it didntt matter because the longer it wa's
the more chance' it gave : her to dream.
She went to the supermarket and st trolled under the harsh,
silvery lighting that made everybody look queer. Only when she
was standing gazing down at some poor trussed chickens wrapped
1, in cellophane did she realisef that she id come shopping in Py-
field Green for the first time in a year 'or more. But she


I didn't: évennotice the crammed : narrow street outside
whère
I trucks and cars and singledéckér buses pushed andie greoned and
squeézed their way: :along. ' Nor thetired, prematurely lined.
6 faces, which she-notiood 8 ometimes broke into brave smiles.
She'd just.: driven thère automatically, as the most convenient
thing, instead of driving miles to Chatsdowne:
She wondered ifshe ought to'get. the chickens They looked
so awful and limp, lying there. Shé knew they - were broiler
house, produçed by 8o many million a year.. The flèsh was rubbery
and tastèless, as you might expeot if you kept the poor oreature
out of the light of day all its lifé and then overfed it and gave
it hardly any space to move ina Ruth had told her once that
thereta been a case in Germany. where a boy was in hospital and
his parents brought him a chicken nearly évery day which they
insisted he must have instéad. of the usual food; and after a few
weeks hetd started growing breasts, because of the hormone feed-
ing that the chickéns got. And some péople said that these
things had a lot to do with cancer, and that was why so many
young people were getting. dancer nowadays, because of all this
sort of. artificiai foods. Of course, Ruth could be' a bit cranky
about that sort of thinga
She knew she*d get a better chicken at. thé butcherts but
he was closed on Mondays. It was a' few shillings dearer, tooi
She put out her hànd to pick up one. of the limp corpses but
stopped. No; 'shé wasn't evên going.to risk it. She sudden-
ly remembered Jack and Ruth---their faces, how clear they were,
and thé ir eyes, their nice skins.. At least they were healthy
pe ople. - And none of the others were. - Not even Dick Bowes.
His health was painted on by - the sun evèry day, you could. see
it didn't go undernea ath. So she got sôme chuck steak which. was


lying at € the bottom of the ' freezé : : Itwas the cheapest cut
but the nicest i if. you: braised it slowly in:thé ovên with S ome I
onions: and.tomatoes, for five or six hours. : Her mother had
done that on. Tuesdays :: Nowadays: the women I séemed . ashamed -
to ask the butchef for such a cheap. meaty or perhaps that was :
1 because they knew nothing about the cuts like: their mothers. did
and so they didn't knowi what to ask for.
She wasn't going to let her childrén grow up cripples.
Theur bones had to. grow, and for that you.neèded fresh' and
natural food. And she wasn't going : to haye them sniffing with
dolds all through the winter liké Hilda's children,
:She saw Jack sooner than She thought. It.was only three
days later. On L Thursday évening she said to Ralph ôn a whim,.
( just as hé was putt: ting television on,' "Let's.go overyto Polly's.
She ' invited us." He was. ducking in his characteristic way :
as if he'd never been given the full human, : right to stand up
straight, and at first he said nothing.
Then, "How do you know he'1l bè in?"
"We*11 take the ohênde."
And she walked out of the'room to get her doat, not knowing
why. shè was I being so'firm about it. Only later, when shé. saw
Jack standing by the round, tasselled lampshade.: in the middle
Y of Polly's room; did she' realised how little we know about fate.
Polly was. the only one of them who had a real parlous in
the old.stylé, with a fire burning in. a tiny grate and two easy---
but not too easy---chairs on either side, with.a table plumb
in the middle of the room where you were. bound : to knock into it


whichever way you dame. There wàs a pile tablecloth, à great
polished sideboard with photographis of weddings and'a biscuit
'barrel 'that was never used éven for bisduits, and then ' on - one
side of thè fireplace thère was a 'tali dressér with ail the cups
and saucérs and platès dolledting thé - 'dust. The enormous silk
lampshade hung in' the middle over' the table, exadtly as it had
done in the old gas dàys, when you néarly blew yourself up évery
night: She loved all that. - It was like being bàck in York
again, with the same suffocating heat-i-too many people in too
small a room; with the window tight closed.
And' he was nothing like what she'd béen imagining him.
She hoticed that at once She realised that a vague and thrill-
ing presence had been with her for the past three days,; and
of course when that preséncé was suddenly filled with dark,
piercing eyes anda'sharp nose', and black grooméd hair, she
felt a 'sort of shock: Half of wonder and half 'of fear.
He was the only other man there besides Splinter. : And he'd
only just come Dropped round that minuté on an impulse and
not even sat down' yett : - He smiled 'at' her and thén his - 'éyes 1
fliokéred away at oncè to Ralph: Was that a fear of showing too
much? He and Ralph said hullo in a hearty way.
"She tore me' away from my quiz," Ralph said, sttting down.
"Good for you, Jant* Polly said.
"We mustn'*t be too long," Janet told them. "Betsy's got
a nàsty cold."
"Here, Jack; come and sit 'by the fire, maté," Splinter
said.
But Jack shook his hèad and said he fd stay where he was.
*That*s dad'sohair," he added with a smiie', meaning the léather
chair by the hearth, and Splinter did give it a look of quiet


posséssions.
"Wherets Ruth?" she asked him.
"Ironing. I:got,a bit restless."
"It's bécause you're always travelling."
"I:expect so." He fingered his: glass' of beer: as Splinter
put it down for him and said, "Oh, itts scream---I was pinched
today!"
"What for?" Ralph asked.
"Nothing much. Parking without lights. There was that
bloody rail-strike last week and I had to drive to Chatsdowne
instead of here, I left. the car uutside the station and of
course when I got back from town it was lights out. I had a
bit of overtime . And thê blighters pinched mé."
"That's all right, mate," Splinter said, settling into his
chair after he'd given Janet her port and lemon. "It'll .only be
a couple of quid. If you pléad guilty."
"It's that pig at thé station. He got me to talk, you
Isaid
Y see. And then he took one little thing,and typed it: out as my
statement., I said I. travelled so much. I got. mixed up with all
the different rules and regulations. And he fixed me on that.
What sort of pig is it who gets you to talk to him like, a human
being and then fixes you?" He added, "It madé me ashamed to. he
English.
"Oh, you get that everywhere," Ralph said.
"I've never met it on the. continent."
"It is that short fellér with. fussy hàir?* Splinter asked.
nr Thatts right."
"It depends who you get," Polly said. "I parked on the
wr ong. side of the road in Chatsdowne and ever: such. a nice chap


came, allin shining buttons. I've been parking, wrong ever
since to get him to come.again!", :
"The police have certainly got their. work out out---dealing
with people like you,". Splinter. said with a smile. "They're
bound to get some, blame.".
"It's like this bottleneck," Janét.said to. Polly. "Therets
always. Sc omebody pops up with an objeotion."
"They say the dootor cantt move,his practice back fifty
yards," Splinter said. "That's the latest thing. I think he's
got a case,"
"Everybody's got a caset" Jack said.: She was glad he spoke
up4--on her own lines - tool. "Itve got a case for working my lawn
mower at three o'clock in the morning, but there'd be a 'hell of
a mess if :I did. It's about time the people of this country
woke up. a bit and turned it into a place where you oan live,
instead of a blasted junkgard. But that's thr trouble, the
pe ople haven 't been in charge of the oountry f or twenty years or
morel"
"I bet I know who has," Splinter said witha wink at Ralph.
"I don't see as Europe's our world nécessarily," Ralph
said.
1 They, civilised- us, matel* Jack oried.
"Who did?"
"Read your history books.
We got. our religion from the
Italians and our C onstiution from the French."
"That doesn't mean we 've got to tie, ourselves down to any-
thing."
"We 've been tied down to -American policies for twenty years..
thrée thousand
And she'd *w*x** |miles awayt How do.you like that? You won't
be tied down to your own kith and kin, but you will to a, country


that'thinks. of yours as : ar'old-Tashioned museum!"
"Oh, wéll, wé know what you feel on that subjeot, mate," #
Ralph said quietly.
"Perhaps I know more about how Americans: feel' than you do.
And' 'théy don't respect' your 6 ountry, Ralph; which'means théy don't
respect yous of course, they think youtre gréat. You're a great
representative of finê olf traditions or Some bloody rot like
that. But youtre not up to date, you*re not in the reai world.
That's
and I don't oall that
whatthey thinks
respect. 'Andthey
they
I thinks XXX won the last war for you.-
"It may be," Ralph said'with the same qui ietness, "you don't
meèt all the Américans there are in thè world. So how can you
"I've got à mind, I can-put two and two togéthér."
#r The' ones I've met have been a bloody sight nicer people
than half the English: I know, anyhow," Splintér Baid.
"Whots talking ab'out' being nice? I tell you, the ones I
know like us more than they like Americans. But that's not what
I mean. Itm talking about whéther they see us as equals.
Whether they think we - can make. as good a performande. And they
don't. People can be# very nice and open and secretly very
patronisi ing." 'Hè took a drink of bèer. #Oh, they're the best
friends I've had. Don't mistake me. And England's supposed
to be frée. I think it's bloody s hameful. The: people of this
country have been Bold,'and for a not very high price."
"Oh, well, a few shares sold here, a subsidiary firm set
up there. You know the arrangement, the Americans have a
forty-nine or sometimes fifty-one percent interest in your firm
which means you can expand. Or they ask you to set up a


owh
small company for thèm under your/ name : So the number. of -
America's commercial travellers grows year by year "
Splinter smiled across at Ralph. "I reckon he should
put t-up for.local MP, dontt.you?"
"I'd rather beseen deadt" Jack said with a laugh.
" Well,,11 sày thisy Jack," Splinter said. "I agree with
you in'.one thing---the old country sir not in a good state."
len
"I'll say it iswt. It; doësn't jexist. A.country does 't
exist unless it's independent." He. turned to, Ralph squarély,
as if going on with a previous conversation. "And thatts why
J people haven't got the jobs they want and the jobs they Ere fit.
Bectace the - wrong people. have got to the topr
3 tve L
canbe celted on turn outan England that mas
last warr That s, what's been holding us back.fier
"I. don't sée as I've.been held back," Ralph said, puffing
ina strangely heavy way at his cigarette.
"You're always talking ab out what a fool old Sims!" Janet
said. "And how he loses bus iness. all the time."
"Business isntt everything," Ralph said. "We had business
for a-hundréd years, we were. the richest country in the world,
but I don't see it did us any good in our heart and souls."
"All right, then," Jack said, "but if there isn't any
business let's have a divilisation at least. But you can*t have
neither. You can't have a junkyard.geared to business and
then no business!-
Splinter helped her to another port .and lemon and shè felt
an unaccountable rush of happiness. She looked across.at Jack
with a fierce and open gaze, fixing him with her éyes possess=
ively, and not. car ing if anyone,noticed. Above all, she noted
that hè hadn't once put à pipe near his mouth or even fiddled in


Tese
ce in Kal
his podket. Thet was more eloquent) than anything hermight do
Lese
Y with-hisleyés. She didntt ask for glances.: And-they were
dengerous---she must réalise that, with Ralph: sitting close by.
She #took a sip of i herdrink and then gazed round the room as
she felt shetd névér gazed atranything before : in-her'life; with.
her head lifted up and a Bensé inside her of be ing in utter self-
commands She realised how humbled shetd always been, B inoe
childhood---taught never to speak out of: turn, néver to. mèntion
X hes
alwup
Yourself. Never put yourself forward,jstudy othe people 's :
feelings: - these were the didactic' themes of- English life.
- And in most people it had goné too far. Theyheeded a dose of.
salts .
Ruth ym
t Did Rakpk tellymet 've got a cousin of mine C oming this
week?" he asked her.
"oh, yesi* shesaid, startled by his: sudden piercing glance.
"Shets separated," Jack went oha "Husband's quite a nice
chap. - Works up in Preston.*
.*I know Prest on all right!" she. said.
"Any ghildren?* Ralph asked.
"No. - - That's a blessing."
"She'il be able: to' baby-sit instead of Rachel Simmons ,"
Polly said. Rachel wes used, quite a' lot locally, ànd she got
half-a-crown an hour.
*Yes, I reckon' young Rachel gets a bit fed up at time s,"
Splinter said.
"Dontt you believé it," Polly told him. "She makes quite
a penny.".
# That U s all béing saved up: for the university," Janet said.
"University! It's a lot of dainned- rot," Polly replied..
"A university c ounts " - Jack said. "If. Itd been to onë


I wouldn 't be where I am today, anyway."
"I wouldn't mind being Where you are today!" Splinter said
with a smile.
officé,
"I wonder," Ralph said. "We've got a chap in our RRERT he's
been to Cambridge and he's falling asleep on the job."
"He gets more money than you, I bet," Jack said.
"Not much."
"According to our boss," Splinter said, "they don't make
use of the clever people today like they. should. Which is why
so many of them leave the country, if you ask me."
"The finest brains have left this C ountry, let's put it
that way," Jack said. "And half of them are in America."
She heard the distant rattle of the train as it drew up
at Pyfield Green station and it reminded her of her childhood
When she sat with her legs curled up by the fire reading a boy's
V annual while her father dozed in the other armchairg; and the
train would sound exactly the same except that it would puff,
being a steam engine. She would never have dreamed then that
life could bring her such strange adventures. At the moment
she felt as mysterious as Cleopatra.
Polly was puffing at her cigaretté in her firm, mechanical
way. * She wasn't providing her usual fun this evening.
"Come on," Janet said to Ralph, "drink your wallop up.
I don't like leaving the ch. ildren too long."
"I'm allnaches and pains," Polly said to her quietly as they
got up, glancang to see if Splinter was near by, but he was
getting the coats.
"Why don't you go and see a doctor?*
"I'm scared, thatts why."
"You C ould give me a lift, Ralph," Jack said. "I walked."


"What about Saturday?" Polly asked as they got to the door.
"Anything doing this week?".
"Not at Herb Watson's prices, eh, Ted?" Ralph sabd.
"No, I reckon that's a onde-a-month lark." And he- added,
"More Jack's inc ome group.".
"I Don*t you believe it, maté," Jackfsaid. - He-stood outside
with his hands in his pookets. nr They g ive me travel expenses
but it's still cheaper Btaying at home m.
"Arthur Simmons said sométhing about séeing us round the.
pub," Splinter told Ralph 6
"Oh, wellawe might see you then, éh?" Ralph said.
The night was clear and cold again. 'n That drizzle seems
to have passed;" she said to Polly:
Ralph started the engine up and Jack got in the back.
He was behind her in the darkness: it was like her back being
exposed, vibrant with awareness. Thé headlights séemed to her
like beacons fliokering over a landsoape she'd nev er seen before,
promising a life she dared not visualise, because it would be so
free :and excitings She recognised none of -the s hops. The
bleak supermarket where she'd stood that morning was as new as
on their first day there. And agai n'shé felt a peculiar int-
imacy with the dlear sky overhead, as if heand She belonged to
it incognito; without past or attachments. And this made the
attachments which she did have easier. He was silent in the
back of thé car: If only he'd touoh her or something. Or
lèan forward in-the darkness, put his head between hers and
Ralph's. Only give a sign.. And perhaps look at her quietly.
His piercing eyes would be softened by the dim light. She
didn't need him physically. She wanted him as a deeper lover
than thati Shé only wanted to know that he was W ell, and that


he was somewhere in the world. Yet more than that, too:
she wanted asign. She: wanted to know that. he felt. the. same
too.. Yes,. with that she'd be deliriously happy, shebwouldn't
havé to.see him for. weeks, , months : But the sign was what. :was.
lacking.s
He and Ralph talked to each other but she didn't catoh a
word.. They s topped. outside.: Jack's place and she saw that a
light was on, beyond the trees.. : He jumpéd out and léaned down
I towards her W indow. to say g oodenight. : She. turned towards him
slowly., not wanting to show any. feeling. She waited. But all
he did was nod to them in the darkness and call out,."Well,
good night.! - Don't forget what I said,Ralph: Sleep tight!"
And Ralph turned. the car round. She watohed him walk
between the. trees to the house. - In a moment he was lost, in
another they were home. She felt momentarily numb.. He hadn't
even, looked at her. Or perhaps he hads.
But as they. , walked into the, little hall and Ralph bolted the
front door she realised that she hadn't looked at him either--
not really looked. She'd been afraid to show him a: sign: should
she be. ast onished that he was afraidito show one, too? Of
course! Did. she expect him to grip her hand,or something with
Ralph a foot away from her shoulder? At .once the numbness lett
her.
Shesurprised herself-next morning by putting, a. bright dress
to take the children to school. She: refused to jet Mary stay at
home eny more with a shan cold, and she bundled. her and Tim off
early, putting Betsy by. the s tove in the kitchen with the radio
on full blast. There were, - white clouds drifting thickly over
the house; a really dismal day- After shetd seen Tim into the
playground she drove strai ight to Chatsdowne and parked behind


a 115 ta
the High Street. Then she went to Blithe's. and strolled
around for an hour among the thick axminster and
persian
carpets, and the clean-looking deal furntine with cute china:
services displayed on - dining tables, and easy chairs with sort.'
of wings, and wonderful curtain material marked as an import
from Austria which reminded her: of cosy farmhouses. 'in the snow e
One piece caught her eye;, a cross between a chest-Bf-drawers and
a tallboy; but ina modern style with'slim legs and six wide
drawers - It was sensible, you didn't have to stoop to getat
anything, and it looked : a dream. But : if she put it in the.
bedroom she td have to get rid.of everything else Assuming
that Ralph.let her buy it. : They oould al ways get. it on the,
never-never à She could: pay it I off. quietly, from what he allowed
hers She could have it delivered. that very day - if she wished.
He idc ome in and. see it standing against the . wall.:
But her courage failed her. There were other things to
L get before a chest-of -drawers. A carpet, for instance. - That
she could think about. And she hurried out of the stores.
On the way down she passed the coffee room, or rather, on walk-
ing past she found herself suddenly walking in, and then sitting
down in a cosy corner with dim, russet lights set in the walls
all round her. Which she.'d. never dreamed of doing before.
The. waitress brought her a coffee and a piece of plum cake, e
ket
She looked at herself in the pocket mirror: she looked healthier
than she could ever remember; her eyes were bright, she caught
a look of ardour in them suddenly. All of a sudden shé had a
fit.of depression at the thought of returning home. It was
the silence of the house more - than anything-*-even when the radio
was full on; the heavy furniture, the way 'her own mirror lookdd
at her in the bedroom. The littlé kitchen was nide; she would


sit in there with Betsy. And take ! home a few magazines .
She determined to get hèrself a dressing table 'with one - drawer
and a slab of glass on top, and fit a nice piece of material
round it; and then, 'one' day, the tallboy shetd seen. But she
wasn't going to sit in front of that old mirror again wi th her
knees sticking into brass drawer handles, every' time she wanted
to dress. : The ideat
Rer
That evening Ralph unknowingly thrilled, by talking about
Jack.
"of course," he said; stubbing 'out a oigarette, "I expect
he sees things differént, being abroad a lot of the time."
*Do' you think he's right?".
"What about?"
a She couldn' 't think whati about; she 'only wanted him to sày,
yés, hé's right about everything.
"Well, about America," she said.
tt They f ought the war wi th us. I don't know what
we'athave
done without them."
"It wasn't just oùr war. It was theirs as well. of course
they fought in it!" shè said hotly, wanting to defènd Jack. - Then
she tried to oheck herself.
He looked- at her and smiled. "What, has he been at you,'
thèn?m
She flushed. "In what way, been at me?" Hér heart wa 8
beat ing fast.
"I mean' on the America beat. I didn't know he'd tried to
work on you as well."
"I don't know what you mean," 'she said breathlessly.
"Oh, well." He looked back at the television sereen.
"Hé can't be blamed for trying to get canverts. If hets going


to stand for parliament. 11,
She was,still breathing heavilye She watched him out of
the corner of her eye, waiting for a dlear sign. But: he séemed
to be. cbncentrating on. the: programme : She. thought all: was well.
But she C ouldn't be sures. It put. her: on her guard.
"Like a drink?" he. said.
"No,. thanks : Why don't you?"
"I. think I will.", He got.up. "You. sure,: duck?"
"Well, I might have a. little nip."
And she knew it was all right. She breathed out long. with
rélief : But.she, must.be on.her guard.. She glanced at him again
but it seemed to her that his. face was placid and uncôncerned as
he poured, the drinks.
"I told Splinter we might go: round to the pub Staurday
night," he.said.
She dared not, ask if Jaok would come. Yet normally she t
force
would have. asked. Perhaps she should meke herselfido so,
to make things seem normal.. But she A couldn't: She couldn't
risk the. tremor in her voices
And she didn't care if he came or noti She would sit in
her usual, oorner happily waiting: The expectation would be.
enough. She could al ready see herself in the smoky atmosphere
of the Bear drinking. her : g: in and tonic.
It made her sleep well that night:
She drank port and. lemon; not gin and tonid. The others
laughed at her for .being old-fashionéd but she laughed back at


118 de
themà : Why they allowed port andilemon at home. but not in the
'pub she didn't.know, but it was : one: of thë. c Onventions: - i
Shetd-had a triumph that morning:. shefd.got Ralph -to: agree
on a fitted carpet for - the sitting room, and she would move the 4.
A sitting-room one into - the - bedroom, which would. hide. the awful
oil-cloth he d put down - when sthey moved in. : She told.him the
monthly :rate : and he said, "It's L OK by me." What She didn't tell
him was that. it : cost nearly twice. as imuch as he thought; : and
sec ondly - that it - would be down ' on the.floor, fitted, before hé
camé home on Monday evening. - : She'd phoned the : étores in Chats-
downe whilè 'they wère out I shopping, and. : they said a man would
be there about four Monday afternoon; and that would be perfectly
all righty madama . Betsy would be back at school. A surprise
for them all:
The pub was at the end of the High Street where there was
a last garagé and a féw. corrugated huts left over from the war.
So it stood- with one foot in the country The windows were
imitation Tudor and there were modern beams across the ceiling.
Evérything had a clean and- new look; inc luding. the round table
they always sat at - and the armohairs with sit-up backs. This
was their favourite corner,. where they could see the bar with
its ' bright strip-lighting and.geyit bottles with-concealed lights
béhind- them, and, they -were out of the draught from the doors
Jimmy Barnes and Hilda 1 turned-up,-and -Splinter and Polly were
already there when they: arrived. * He was quite a decent chap,
Jim, really, for all.his nasty memnerisms.. He: had a. way of
twitc hing his head a little to one side liké a ferret when he
was going to make one of his dirty jokes. And as always the
men got on one side. of the table to listen to him, and she and
Polly and Hilda were - on the other. It made hér sick but tonight


she 'could beari anything'.
She was almost certa in he'wouldn't come. : 'Ruth hadn't
said anything. And sheusually did on the Friday if I they were
going to sée each - other.
Hilda'was muffled up to her. néck in pink frilledisilk as
usual, and as. usual Janêt felt like giving Jim a piece of her.
mind-about its A' man : who professed so much interest in the:
subject i ought to let-her show justi a weë little bity yourd : think.
She'l hèrself had thrown - on: an old jumper and.had: hardly- troubled
to do her hairs' : - That surprised her: she did what she felti
like---for the first time in-her life. And Ralph ' gave her a
little glande before they left the house as ifi to say, 'Youtfe
got up well tonight,; aren't you?t It only wenti to show; if:
you-félt allright you looked all right. - Because she was , loved
for the first time in her lifes That was it. Sherd nev er been
ker
X really loved: before: - Even Ralph hadn't lovédyso completely that
she felt the rightness of every inch : of her body, every gesture
she made's '
As usual on Saturday night it was crowded. - There was a
crackling log fire ' opposite the bar; and a pleasant heat came
off: : Did her new' life show in her-eyes? * She' wondered.
Bar
I The long Aglittered brightly and there was the sound of' men's
laughter through the hatch from thé : public bar. : Shewas determined
hé should show her a sign soon: - a lighted pipë sailing through
the air wasn't enough: She would S pend the whole evening think-
ing up a way of aonfeiving that, while everybody talked pleasant-
ly round-hér.
"My wife's mortgaging my iife," she heard Ralph tell : thems
Thén came thé story of the. carpet: - She - C onfirmed it with
a smilé and then said s'omething to.Hilda about how you got fed


up with the same things round you all the : time, didn't you?
She happened to ask for more lemon. and.this made.Jim_say
to Ralph as he went up to the bar, With a ferrety twitoh - of,
his head, "Tell Tom to give her lemon another squeeze, mate."
Tom was the barman.. : d
There was.a kind. of déçayed snigger from Ralph and Splinter,
and Jim went.on, "I usedto be quite, a hand at lemon-squeezing,
And. Hilda gave him one of her demure, faintly suggestive 1
glances. "It's only what I taught you," she said.:
"Here," Jim said, nudging Splinter with a ! twinkling look,
"did you hear tha t?" And he added, "No wonder, I-oan't take
X thé bends 1ike I usedtot"
All his images were, from plungers, gears F highway codes,
What a funny little world he must live in. And there was.
something sécretive in it that Hilda: seemed to. enjoy. Perhaps
the silk up to her chin : was her own choice. Again Janet felt
she was. the luckiest person in the world. Only in childhood,
on saturday afternoons beforé her mother took_her to the Grand
or the Broadway Palace, had 1 she had that samé feeling. Sitting
in.the darkness. of those fork cinémas she 'd shuddered. with the Same
happinesspsemati mest
"I thought Pat was.ooming?" she asked Polly.
"That's what she told us. - But "you never know : with them.
He wants: to stand for the.local council, she. told me."
Janet smiled.. "All we'll have 1s candida tes soon---what.
with him and Jack."
glasecs
"Oh, all cArthur Simmons has got is norn-rimmed epestaciss,"
dont
< Polly saids. "And that deedntt makéa man olever." And she
addéd, to Janet's excitement, "I said to. Ted last night, I said,


if he had Jack's head on' - his shouldérs he Wouldn't dosobad!"
With her third port and lémon she would go'and phone Ruth.:
Why not?. They-were friends--the others wouldn*t think it funny
a bit:
"Did you sée Ruth?" she asked Polly. "I missed her yes-
terday " ri
"I thought she said they were going out tonight or something,
Shé had a flutter of disappointment. Thêt decided it-
she would phone:
"Have you got s'ome coppers?" she asked Ralph. I .
"Half a mo." : He felt in his pocket. "Who you going to
phone; your boyfriend?"
She looked at him quickly; with sudden blazing eyes of fear,
butshe saw. this. was only a: pub joke, mostly for the ferret's
benefit.
# I'm here; sweetheart, sitting in front. of yout : What do
you want to phane me - for?" Jim cried.
"Here.". Ralph gave her some coppers acrcss. the table.
"I thought I'd phone Ruth," she said quie tlysi
- She got up: and walked across to the little. booth on the
other. side of the bar. - To her astonishment Ruth was at home.
She hardly knew what toisays
"I wondered if you were. coming," she said. "Wetre at the -
"I. cantt,Jan---I think Cath's caught your Betsy's cold.
"Oh, deart"
"Jack's coming. He 's. bringing Dosh."
There was a long pause and she said in a stumbling way,
"Hets coming?"


"Yes,, He : wants to:bring Dosh along "
"Whots that?".
Ruth.laughed. "You're.80 funnys I told.you dozens: of :
times. about his cousin Dorothy "
"The one from Preston.".
n Oh, yes; the : one: who's separated! That'll bé nice." , 1 ::
f The penny's dropped," Ruth said.
She wanted to run back into the bar in oase he'd come, al-
ready: She peeped through the misty glass but could only see
the vague flicker of the: logs, and the heavy shadow of a man as
he passed with.a.glass in his hands.
- Ruth was speaking. "I hope it warks out."
"Yes,80 do I.". And she.addedy "Well, I'll be seeing you's
"Don't let him come home too later She ha d a long journey
too, she only arrived this. afternoon."
"All right."
She slammed the receiver down and pushed the door open.
No, he wasn't theres - She could see Ralph laughing. Her own
ohair faced the room, empty. She. strolled back, and warmed
her. hands at the fire., on thé way: Andas she raised herself up
with the warmth tingling through her fingers She saw him walk
through. the swing' doors with a. blonde-haired woman behind him. Tee
woman's
U L
Herycheeks were rosy and she had unusually quiet eyes: the etB
Jack
no challenge in theme. - Ha was: wearing the same suit as last.,
time: Agaj in she had to adjus t her image of him witk. his actual
physical. self, and that was difficult because her image of him
included all the good things .on the earth. For a. moment thèy
wouldn't join. He. seemed atmest a total stranger. Then it


was all right: his piercing eyes and his slim, delicate face,
slightly sallow-skinned, and his soft lips that could show a
contradiotory severeness, were suddenly in fodus. She watched
him say something with a smile to Ralph and the men all got up.
: i : The woman. was - inrcoduceds' Janet had already forgotten her
name", She was so fascinatéd wà tohing them that she' couldn't
leave : the firés. Only when the woman had "shaken hands all round,
in her quiet composed way that was like a' flower, did she move
forward: Just at that point Ralph was looking round for her.,
Jack turned and she met' his eyes. He smiléd briefly,
"Hullo, Jan," and introduded the cousin. Again Janet was
X struck by her C omposure: them-nets complete stillness, even in
her hands! And it wês a different stillness from Ruth's,
though she douldn't tell in exaotly what way: The men were
still standing up, and two more chairs were bought.: Splinter
looked rather' shy and Jimmy Barnes hada slight smile playing
on his lips---his form of shyness too, perhaps. *
"Haye-you had a long journey, dear?" Polly asked the cousin.
"Not too bad. Only Pres ton."
They'all sat dom.
"Oh, aré you from the north?" Jânet asked brightly.
"Well, my husband's s working up theres I'm a Londoner
really. ' I dan tell where youtre from."
. "You can't mistake that accentt". Ralph said with a smilé
"She's been trying to get rid 'of it for years!"
"I like thé north," thé other W oman' said to her confident-
ially. "I like the people: Théy're' genuine."
Janet noticed the bloom of hér skin, making Polly's look
like yellow parchment. - And her full breasts, under a loosé
jumper. Her eyes wére a deép blue, contrasting with her hair;


and her mouth had something rich: about it, a cupid's bow.
"Is it chilly up there still?" Janet asked her.
"Yes, we had snow this week."
n That means it's on the. way down,". Splinter said.
"That's what I miss.in the south," Janet said. "The.crisp
air. It seems to give - you an appetite."
"Oh; we get enough crisp! air -down here, don't you Worryi"
Polly saids
"Whère do you come from exactly?" the woman asked.' !
"York. : At léast we moved there. I was born in a mining
village "
" Oh. I like York, I always used to oadge a' lift from
my husband if he was'going there."
'" Dosh and I weré sweethearts once," Jack said to Ralph with
a' wink, "But later on she wouldn't'have me.*
Janét smiled, but still it sent a little tremor through her
body: he shouldn't even joke about it. : She.looked at the other
woman with the slightest momentary glint of suspicion.
"You were too uglyti the cous in' * said with a laugh. She
had a way, Janet noticed, of making éverything seem gay and
sparkling; 'just by the wày shé spoké a
#f Anyway, it would have been in-breed ing," Jim Barnes put in
with his nasty smirks - But no : one took any notice.
"Iack isn't so bad," Polly said. "He likes the French. 1
girls, don't you, mate?"
"Are you si till away a lot?" his cousin asked him, turning.
to'him intimately.
*Weli, I séem to be liv ing on an aeroplane these days,
that's all."
"It wouldn 't do for me, ," Splinter said.


"Nor for mé," Hilda Barnes told everybody with a shudder.
"When I hear those jéts go over I think to myself, well,
you're braver than I-am up theret" - Polly said.
"Oh; you gets used to it, eh, Jack?* Jim asked.
"Not realiy. It gets' worse ail the time." -
Thé men listened to him in respeotful silende.
"Still, I only do th ort trips."
"Well; herets healthi"
They all drank to the néwcomer.
"I see the U.S. armyts putting a rocket emplacement at the
Jim Barnes
bottom of- your garden, maté," i aaxk/said to Jack as if he'd been
saving it up a long time.
"That'd bé the day," Jack murmured with a' smile, though he
didn't like his leg pulléd ' on that subject.
"To protect you' against the Russians, mate---and keep you
în check yourself ." Jim was the only one of the men who sided
completely with Jack, because heta once béen a communist, so
Ralph told her.
Jack said nothing, only looked away.
"Is your husband coming down later on?" Ralph asked the
oousin, leaning his elbows on the sides of his chair and making
a faint. rocking motion.
The woman turned' to- him: with à perfectly tranquil gaze and
said, "We're separated."
"I still see him., We're friends." She took à sip from
her gin and. tonio. "He likes this better than he likes me."
"Likes what?" Ralph asked.
1 This." she pointed to her glass as she set it.down.


"Oh,well," Ralph said, "we all like a, drop now and then."
"But he's very nice, when all's said and dane. He never
gets nasty when he drinks. Eh, Jack?*
"Oh, he doesn't get nasty. Still, you oan't live W ith that
sort of thing."
"No, of course, not," Ralph said.
Janet could hear the dockney in her voice. She spoke in
ael +ta Time
a level way, as if reminiscing about somathing a
Her
voice
suggested a sad gaiety.
"What's your husband's line?" Splinter asked..
nr Textiles."
"oh, well, that's/thriving line of business."
"He started as a traveller," she went on. "Then they gave
him an office and I suppose he found too much time on his hands.
And too much money. in his pocket." She added, "He didn't give
me any, though."
Hilda
"Have you got any children, dear?" Puity asked her.
"No." Yet she looked more motherly than any of them,
Janet thought.. "But I think it was travelling that s tarted him
on the liquor in the first place ."
"I can understand that," Ralph said with a glance at Jaok.
"I used to travel once."
"Who for?"
"A London firm."
"Not in textiles?"
"Well, you've got to be the type," the woman said. "My
husband's always been a bit loud," she added with a smile.
"Cheok suits and snazzy ties, and all thdat sort of thing.
He used to take a shooting stick round with him as a gimmick.


He never: shot anything in his life---except lines "
They smiled politely:
"He sounds quité a boy," Jih Barnes said.
"It's that sort of thing gets sales. And I suppose I
must have liked that sort of man to marry him," she added wist-
fully: :
"He sounds a Tom Walls type," Rêlph said."
"Whots Tom Walls?"
"Comedy actor before the war---used to have a moustache "
"Itts funny, my husband had a moustache until I made him
shave it off.".
"That's why hetook to drinkt" Splinter said genially.
"Now the truth's coming out!" :
"I wouldn't stay out too long to - night, Jack, if I was
you," Polly said. "Ruth'll be getting jealous."
"I wouldn't blame her," Jim Barnes said with an admiring
glance at the'oousin.
The.bar was orowded now and everybody was calling their
orders out at-once. , Tom the barman was rushing to and fro
levering tops off tonic bottles and pushing glasses under the
gin and whisky measures, with sweat pouring down his face.
She watched him with a- sense of drowsy self-sufficiency. She
hadn't forgotten that one thing remained to be done: Jack
must give her a sign.
Jack leaned forward to say something to Ralph, talking
across Dorothy for a moment. She didn't catoh what he said,
only watohed one short lock of black hair fall across his
temple, and saw how his fine hand rested on his glass. )
he'd said to her at that moment, *Let's go, let's
leave them all,' she would have done it, she would have put down


her drink and never come back. Ralph was sitting there placidly
talking, his pale, dry skin siightly enlivened by the beer, puff-
ing his. stale oigarette smoke - She rèmembered the dense, starry
dome of the night when the two of them had walked together.
She suddenly wanted to hide hèr face in case it sh owed her an--
imation, and she took a quick gulp of her port.
But hè madé no sign. And she couldn't'think.of a way of
provoking him to it. They sat there for an hour more taiking
on. Closing time came. The terrible lights went on and off--
the signals of her doom. She turned away from him angrily as
they all ' walked towards the swing doors, an act which he didn't
seem to notice. Only Ralph gave her a slight glande. Dorothy
was like an island of consolation, with hér still, measured way
of walking. e
In the car-park outside she turned to Jack Buddenly and
1 said, "Ruth told me to get you back home early, so I won't inivite
you for a drink." - And she gave him a pale, defiant look in the,
darkness.
"That's all right," he said easily. "It's been a long day
for' Dosh, too. Look, why don't you come round later in the
week and hàve a natter?"
"Weta love to," she said, giving way at once to his' easy'
tone.
Ralph said nothing all the way home o Yet he seemed light
and cheerful, without doing anything to sh OW it. The olear,
starry sky outside was now wasted on her. They pulled the
garage door up together and he drove the car in. Jack's oar
drove past swiftly on the road. There were two hoots on the
horn. She turned---please givé me a sign! she thought.
Don't leave me derelict like thist


And with an immense thanksgiving that went. through her
body she heard him call out across the night, "Slàep tight, Jan!"
And she 'saw the. white.cuff of his sleève move up : and down once
in a wave, outside the car-window. He had said Jan. He had
aotually used her name a
Ralph didn't touch her that night, though it was Sa turday.
Yet he didn't seem to be sleép ing 6 Shé W andered if he was sharing
everything with her, each stép în her experience. She knew,she
could never leave this man, though even as she thought this her
flight
mind was full of Jàck. First the curved sigr of his glowing
pipe, then the flashing movement of his cuff:. these were the.
images she kept in mind until she was asleeps She, had got her.
sign.
On Monday afternoon she got herself an éarly oup of tea
and waited for the oarpét men: She'd maneged to get Betsy to
school andi that morning she'd cleared out the sitting room as
Y best she could, clearing the centreand putting the little tables
and the televasion set in the hall. The mén could do the rest.
Not a chink of the floor would be showing: just one marvellous
soft expanse of blue carpet
They mgE arrived almost on the. dot and carried the gorgeous
blue thing into. the house on their shoulders---behaving as if
wieral
X it was the most yaul thing in the world: Then they. set to work
on the furniture, moving it all to one si de of the room, while
she made another pot of teas, * Théy worked swiftly and quietly,
and when she peeped in from the hall to say their tea was ready
X it was nearly half doné, 5 giving the room anextraordinarily


splendid look, almost better than Ruth's downstairs room,
except that the furnituré wasn't in, her class.. By half past
five it was all done,. with every bit: of floor covered. Then
the furhiture was baok in its, place, invested now with a much
lighter air, as if. it.had all béen painted. She walked across
the room again and again, springing on. the carpet.. It felt a,
sacrilege to wear shoes. - She'd make sure. that. Polly didn't
come over in her stiletto heels. But the armchairs looked out
of, place, rather dingy and obsoenely big., And she'd have. to
have the curtains down this week: They looked as if they, had
awinter's fog in them.
Thé children whizzed into the hall when.she brought them
baok and suddenly skidded. They gaped and stared:
*What's that?"
"A new oarpet."
n This afternoon."
"It's absolutely fab," Betsy daid.
Tim dashed gpstairs. with some insense a teacher had, given
him, leaving the. girls to.gape. on.
"I don't want you treading all over it," Janet said.
"What are we supposed to do, fly?"
"If you can."
"I can, but I'm. not sure Mary can."
"Fry your face," Mary told her..
And the rest of the evening it was, "] Don't tread, Maryi
"It makes the furniture look sort of floating," Mary said.
"That's because it doesn 't really fit," Janet told her."
# Why have we got it then?"


"Because we can't afford anything else."
"But. how dould wé afford that?" Mary asked her.
"I suppose I just had bad taste in. those days, that's all."
"Perhaps you should take the piano out," Betsy said. She
lived in fear of piano less ons which Janet had been threatening.
"Nos It's the armohairs. We need sone thing more modern."
Ralph gave a- little whistle. when he camé in.
"Well, look. at * that," he said quietly.
But he disagreed about the modern armohairs.,
"You mean uno omf ortable ones. They're all und omf ortable."
".She hasn 't got one good chair for television :in the place!"
he said. "Her room's all oarpet," he added.
She agreed there. Janet. noticed that he didn't flop out
by the fire.at once this evening. There-was an alertness about
him which made her afraid for a moment. . The, room was so splendid
that she couldn't leave. it. She. satpin front of the fire with
her shoes. off, rubbing her feet in the-softness..
When he came. down from reading to the children he said,
"What about a drink before dinner?"
She nodded and he wént to get the ice: out of the fridge a
".They did a -nice job!".he called out from the kitchen.
" Is the monéy too much for us?".she asked him.
"I don't think so. Not if we,cut out some of the Saturday
nigh hts
"Do you mind that?"
"No." He, came. into the room with a bowl of ioe. "No,
I don't at all."
"We can go to the pub."


" That 's nearly as expénsivé these days, - One round and
you've made a big hole in à a quid"
They raiséd their glasses. "Cheers i"
They talked about Jack*s cousin. Her husband seemed to be
pestering her; Ralph said: That was why she'd 0 ame - south, for a
bit. : She hadn't left her address' at Preston.
"Yet. she seems to like him," Janet saida
"Not enough to live with him, according to Jack."
She turned her thoughts - to the çarpet aga: in. "Don't you
think. we should . have the walls done?"
"C One thing at a time"
f The'y look so, dingy, Ralph."
"I could do them one week-end with Splinter.*
She.glanded sideways. at him while she sipped her drink
and for a momen t hés profile wasn't recognisable. Hé looked
thinner, his eyes werè brighter. - She wondered if worry. was
eating him away. a Or perhaps it was the' new carpet.
"Shàll we eat?",
He nodded, opéning hi's pep er as he did a hundred thousand
times, just beforè dinners
"What's her second name?".
"Whose?" he asked absently; studying something on thè front
page.
"Jack's cousins : n.
Shé got up and went to the kitchen, taking her glass with
her. He hadn't yet seen the bedroom; with the sitting-room
carpet in its A.bit stuffy, but, as Ralph had. saids one thing
X at a t: imé a The children weré dead-tired and it was silent
upsta irs. She regretted -it: She wanted someone to talk to,


worry about: Tim. had: hardly kissed her good night.: r; She'd
begun to feel all-these thingss: vi As- she'd deserted them in-
wardly so:. thay-+e : She mashed, the potatoes and finished grill-
ing the chops : and : there were some tomatoes, with a : fresh. salad.
The lettuce was supposed: to come from: France and looked nice: :
she'd paid enough for. it, Ruth had ontroduced. her: to salads A
as a regular thing: before, they'd been what. you had for lunch
in a heat. aave, with botled. eggs,. about three, times a year:
Ralph still hadn't much to say: for them..
She. realised that. she'd hardly thought about Jack all day.:
His image. came back to her. as a quiet relief. Perhaps a certain
K admizture of pain made.the image more intimate. this time: he
seemed to: be so close, to her that théy might be married, that is,
sharing pain. She, glanced through to the hall. She noticed
he hadn't switched the tele on.yet, but then.he rarely. did before
dinner. - He: allowed himself the radio, usually. But even that
was.silent.. The silence of the, house was unusual and. terrible.
He rustled € his paper in the sitting room, coughed :
"Have you seen the bedroom?". Janet called out to. him.
There was no reply. a hot panic swept over her. He
knew and perhaps forgave her---but could hardly address her.;
It was worse - to be. forgiven. so coollys Had Jack told him some-
thing? She felt the ancient woman's fear of two_men_getting
together:
A belated "Eh?" came from him. Thank God!
"] Did you see the bedroom?" she asked, the; grill-pan
poised in her hand.
"Go.and have a look at it."
But.he'd lost contact again.. The paper rustled asibefore.


She warmed the plates in the oven and realised she hadn't made
a cup of tea yet. But as they were having meat perhaps she 'd
leave it till afterwards: Ralph like his father always said
that tea hardened meat inside you if you took them together.
"Smells good !" Ralph called outs
Yet the remark didn't sound real. It. made her : stopta
as worse than silence. Or had she lost all sensé of what was
genuine in other peoplé and what wasn't? as if. she'd committed
a crime and. this had blinded her?
"I got some chops," she said, to comple ete the masquerade.
Couldn't hé, on his side, now say that this didn't sound
genuine?. So one false thought left; aR trail of other false
thoughts behind it. She. was suddenly aware how, much happiness
they*d had these last ten years; how: close they'd beeni
"OK!" she oalled out with. her.usual formula.. "Come and get
She heard him drink. the last of. his whisky,: and then the
newspaper was thrown on the settee. She put. the plates on the
tablé and started dishing up,' while he went : into the bedroom,
switching on the light therè a
"Blimetm, he. called out. I "Looks swish, doesn t it?u
"I Do.you like it?"
"I'll say! It'll be warmer for the feet." He . came into
the kitchen. "All we néed now isa washing machine ."
Théy até in silence. "Train crowded?" she asked.
"As usual."
"It'd be nice to have a job round here, wouldn't it?" She
only : said it to make conversatibn.
"Oh, I don't mind it."


"I do," she said.
She expected him to flare up as usual, but he said in a
mild way, "There aren't any jobs round here to start with.
There's a wood faotory and a broiler house."
"In Cha'tsdowne there might bé"
"You find me one, then."
She hélped him to anothèr chop from' the dish. "Is the new
oarpet going to cripple us?" she asked.
"I thought you 'wére worried 'about it."
She looked at him curiously. - It was true---there wasn't
a' shadow of'worry on his face.
"Thé car takes us right upto the edge of our means," he
said. "And the carpet takes us beyond."
"And you'ré not worried?"
"V Why didn't 'you teli me that before I-ordered it?*
"Beeause I don't care." : 'He looked adross at her in an :
unusually open way. She'could hardly remember his " eyes so-
y sountilmed, since they first mét in' York. "I'n not complaining,
"Weli, 'then." - He added, "A few quid here or there doesn't
make any difference."
"I wish wè had enough money to spread ourselves a-bit,"
she said with a sigh., "I don't know how some people do itf"
"Like you did it. this morning. On the HP."
"You've got better brains than most of them."
"I give tem all to Sims and Tuke."


"Thatts what. I: don't like."
Apparently; she wàs incapablé: of. annoying him this
evening., He didn't éven light a: cigarette rapidly aftér.he'd
finished. the meal.
That night he didn't go to sléep at once but drew towards her,
and they made love until two' or three in the morning. He
séemed to have a' néw ouriosity towards her, in the darkness.
Or pérhaps that again was her imagination. Yet her body res-
ponded to.it even if it was only supposed. She had noticed
in the mirror on Saturday night when She . was changing her petti-
coat that her breasts were sharper and firmer. And the suggest-
ion of unwanted flesh round her hips, which she'd.accepted for
à year or: more now, had gones The newness was all in her.'
Only the curiosity came from him. - 1 And again she found herself
able,to do it without the slightest feeling of disloyalty to
Jack. Aftérwards to her surprise Ralph got into his. dressing
gown and.padded n'ext door to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.
They were both wide awake.' She : went to the kitchen too, shiver-
ing pléasantly, and they opened the vent of- the stote. : , This
hadn*t happened for years: - usually they felt hemmed in: with "
routine---he had-to be up in the morning's Now" it was: a thrill
to see the dosy kitchen-light shining out of the window onto
the young trees. And Ralph looked fresher than he usually did
after a full nightts rest. She was' vaguely disturbed.:
They sipped their tea in the silence, he with the same '
habit as his father---blowing the steam away from:his face
bétween each sip, his eyés dreamy. I It wàs nearly dawn when they
went baok to bed.
"Is' thé alarm set?" shé whispered.
But he was already asleep. Yet. the alarm hàd always. beèn


a hideous little god for him ever since they wéré married.
She'd watched, him with - annoyanoe Bo many . times: when he 'd W ound f
it up carefully and set the. bell, as if it secured him respect-
ability. L And her body had achieved all this. Its new proud
self-awareness had, done it. Then it was Jack who - had awoken
hert : She.loved him even more. :
Hè was up at his usual time in the morning, looking none
the worse for 4 wears ' It mas. dark and grèy outside, ênd she
stayed in bed a littley listening to the sounds in the kitchen
as hé went to and fro in his. carpet slippers making tea and
boiling himself an egg. She lay there satisfied and drowsy.
Sometimes she got breakfast for him, sone times she. didn*t
He always séémed to know when, she needed to stay in : a bit.
Then.how. c ould - she ever leave him? How could you leave a man
who knew you. so well? 4 How could there be two in the world?
He brought her a cup' of téa, without switohing on the light,
and said to her surprise, "Shall we go to Ruth's tonight?* -
Luckily it. wastoo dark for him to see her face, and she I
murmired, "MM,", ! as if. it had been. the most .ordinary question. in
the world. She liked the - way he said Ruthts and not Jack'st
Was that to spare her feelings?
În asking that quéstion he. had laid the hope and thrill
of her day.. She wanted to get up at oncé, .call the chilaren,
and aftér getting them off, to: school do the firsti item in the
spring-cleaning, which was the ir room.
She drank hér teà hurriedly and put on hèr dressing.gom.
It. was almost daylight and the children stiri.werentt: awako
He was getting his raincoat, There was their usual, kiss at
the front door : again with morè curiosity than: usual; and she.
watohed him go down the path with his. paper folded in his left-


hand pocket as she 'd. seen hima thousand timès bef ore : What
wisdom was he. hiding? But his: figure rev ealed nothing. He.
had the same rather hunched walk as. always. It was almost r
- às if: he, was thankful f or want was happening : to her, and wanted
to enc ourage its cause at She felt strange . and troubled underne ath,
together with thrilled expéctancy as to what would ' come that
evening
She woke the children and kissed Tim until he:; was red in the
face; with great loud émacking noises that made Betsy look up at
her with a sort of coy admiration. Mary want ted her share of
kisse's too, .at the breakfast, table, and moved her plete close, to
hers until théy touched. Itwas still heavy and brooding out-
side, though this made the house all the more. cosy.
Shè,got them off to school and watched Tim walk proudly.
across the playground. to join his class-team:. - they: had to form
columns when, the whistle: blew, and were then marched into, school,
like at her own infant school.. 1. And they. were. given. C dloured
ribbons. to put round their shoulders, for games, She drove
back and wondered if she. should call in at Ruth*s to.tell her
they were. C oming. But she c. culdn't face Puth. Orvperhaps :
shé wanted to take a chance on their being out that evening:
left to chance, things worked out most. naturally. 4 :
She had a momentary. S onserof bleakn ess, as if the wretched
main street of Pyfield Green and , the nasty cement lamp standards
and the dirty bungalows dotted here and there in their, bare
cement quadrangles, shorn : of trees. and even bushes, showing, a
positive horror of anything gracious, had all got into 'her X blood
and curdled its and driven away her dréams.. For what evidenée.
did she have that these were, anything but dreams?
This was the terrible thing Pyfield Green did to. you, it


made you feel that nothing you dréamed could be 'real; that' all
v the hopes and whims and drowsy longings. that were teallythe
subs tance of life weré nothing at all. Was that "what Jack
found when he 'came from the dontinent? Was'that what he meant
when he said we'd cut oursélves off from our own souls? Had
he éver said that? - Perhaps it was only her conviction, and hers
alonés She felt a surge of loving anger aga inst him that he
didn't talk to her more, and that he. hadn't' madé a sign-a-but a
real'sign---yet.. And perhaps this more than anything adcounted
Kfor hér momentray bleakness, the -sense that he had nothing to say
to her.
Suppose---it took' her beeath avey---supposé he : félt no more
: for -her than, say, for Polly, for Hilda? : Her mother had said
she wa's always on the boilt Had she cooked up Jaok's féelings
as well? If that was the oase she wa's finished. : she didn*t
I know what she would do. - "All life would then b ec ome that nasty
High street in Pyfield Greeny'and the lighting in the supermarket
that madé y'ou look sick; and Jim's ferrety faceat the pub when
he oracked a joke. And the suffocating: furniture.. The héavy
I sky outside that lookéd lke-wlike - an. old man 's last gaze..:
And the way Ralph cléanéd the' car on' Saturday mornings :
and the sound of the" milkman... No, she coulàn't bear" itt
All of' a sudden she was crying like a child, her shouldèrs heaving,
with' thé car going all over thè place.
But no, she thought through hér tears, trying 'to dry them
as they came i it'wasn't true: She thought of his pipe fiying
through the air, and thé curve of his white sleeve in thé dark-
ness' as he'd passed in the car. Yet these seemedistale images
now. : She had used themtoo often.
She forced herself toget the carpets up in the childrents


( room and take - themoutsidex : Itowas evên darker- now,: and the
air was. quite still. : Boating the : carpets revived her. She
remémbered the narrow sidelanes of Yorki she : thought of them
in the snow.. And aftér lunch the - snow came; lightly at first,
as if . it: would turn : easily to drab rain, then it' took C ourage
and began coming down in a heavy; swirling mass that hid even
the trees close to:the house - : It came round the house. like a
lovely shopud, and she breathed : a sigh of "relief at be ing. . enclosed
like that. The impénetrable L S ilence . of snow fell on the : road
outside, and shé - openéd up the vent of the oven so that the house
would bu warmed through when they all came homes She wondered
if the car would need chains but when she looked out ' of . the
with dismpporilienl
sitting-room window she sam,that-t the cars had already made slushy
tracks through the snow She lit a fire in - the sitting room 1
and-watohed it crackle: brightly: Ralph said you,could always,
seé the state of the weather in the fire; the whitervit burned.
the hardér the frost.: And- today it threw out a great warmth
at once, and the flames lit up the room, with its - sea of blue -
carpet.
The children had to havé. an hour's snowballing, outside:
that evening, and by thei time Ralph.got home, their gloves were
soaked and their cheeks red. liké tomatoes. The lamps in the
street came on and the snow got deeper. Their feet madeja
lovely padding noise When they ran. to,and fro; laughing:
Ralph joinéd inthe gamé; and his drab, raincoat was soon covered.
Lights came from various housés up ând down the,road, 1l1,uminating
the stiff white branchés in the front gardens and the softisnow
Relmoak
that lay cupped in the' Hrrat leaves, drifting down. in powaery -
flakes now , and then. The end of the game came when Betsy
stuffed a snowball down Maryts neck. Janet. called out, sharply,


"Just you go' in, both of yout"i : Theré I was a scramblé for : the
bathroom, and Ralph-made a burlesque of getting there: first
and pushing - them aside.: - They all had à scratch' supper"together,
as a'treat--aa fry-up of. éggs and tomatoes with S ome onion. pudding
she had left over; washed down witha cup of tea that made their
faces glow even more.
All-he said in reference to their going to Ruth's was,:
"What.shall we do with the fire? Try to keep it in?".
"I think we'd bettér bank it up, don't you?".
Every step they took adross the'bedroom sounded mysterious,
in the immense silence round the:l house:
! "I started on the upstairs: rooms this morning," she said
quietlya:l
"Funny, spring-oleaning in' the snow."
"That's whati Ithought.".
"Fruit crops are all ruined again; Splinter was telling.
me The blossoms were just: starting. They knew it was going
to happen."
They padded up the road together, bent against the snow that
swirled in their faces and got in their eyes. Ralph had put his
blue overcoat on, which. suited him better. The cars. parked by
the kerb were alréady covered'in snow; white, humpéd forms in
the shining darkness.. It was like the wildest journey of her.
life, a kind of trek, with-Ralph to help her., She .was: icy-
cold all the way through her body, ând tensed; hertthoughts were
bold and dlear.. Théy said nothing all the way. a The stréet
was -one blind swirling mass of Snowflakes.
Jack and Ruth weré ins The usual cosy yellowish lighti
streamed from the Window on to the trees - outsidé, this: timei
onto the snow, which had formed a kind of murf round the glass.


They heard laughter, then someone came running down to answer
the bell. It was Ruth. She looked delighted---even excited,
and called up to the others, "Look who's comet" Jack and the
- cousin appeared at the top fo the stairs, flushed and puffing:
they'd all been snowballing too, with the children, and were
rubbing themselves down. Sonya was already asleep, her hands
had been nearly blue with cold, Ruth
said. The fire was
crackling in the sitting room, and Sonya 's toys had been cleared
away.
"I'l1 be down. in à sec!" Jack called down to Ralph.
The cold produced vivid, stark images in her. She
couldn't believe she was with him so soon again, in his own
house. Ralph picked up a paper and sét by the fire. Again
she had the impression that his face had changed, become sharper
and cleaner. She heard the cousin laugh upstairs---a peal of
fresh laughter, blonde like her hair.
She felt that Ruth had given her a quick, curious look at
the door but she couldn't be sure. She heard Cath call out for
a glass of water upstairs, but really she wanted to come downs tairs
and stay with them for a bit; you could héar it in her voice.
And Ruth replied quietly, in her still way., "Get it yourself,
darling." She sat down and kept crossing one leg over the other
nervously, and rubbing her chin with the tips of her fingers.
Ralph was still bent over his pap er with one hand extended towards
the fire absentmindedly. She knew she wouldn*t feel easy until
he'd come down.
Suddenly he appeared, in a light grey pullover and an
open-neoked blue shirt, looking as fresh as a boy. "Hullo,
there!" he called out. "Nice to see you."
Ralph put out his hand. "Hullo, ma te."


At that moment Ruth called her upstairs to see a présent
the cousin had brought her from Preston. - It was a marvellous
spring coat of light peppéry tweed. Nice things just seemed to
flow into Ruth's lifet The cousin was standing there, in the :
bedroom, just unbènding from thé mirror where she'd béen touching
up her lips. They shook hands and Janet noticed her placid
eyes again, making her feel at ease at once. She suddenly saw
the difference bétweën her and Ruth, that there was more of a
natural, born stillness in Ruth, while the cousin seemed to have
fought for hers.. It was in the wây' she stood, her feet planted
slightly apart, èréot and yet not a bit show-offy: Janét felt
a bundle of nerves compared to thém both.
She put the doat on---it was péncilled down nidely at the
skirt and fitted hér liké a' glove.
"Do you like the sleeves?" Ruth asked her.
"It's a dream---the whole thing!"
The shoulders sloped
gracefully, the pooket-flaps were set at a. cunning angle, there
were four bold tweed-o overed buttons. She laughed: "I'd like
to téar it off your backi".
"I saw it in Bradford one day," the other woman said.. " And
I said to myéelf, thatts Ruth all over."
"It' certainly is."
Ruth smiled at the cousin. "Janet's my authority on
olothes.*
"I'm ever so glad you like 1t," the oousin said to her.
"Ruth's my idea of a happy person," Janet said to her sudden-
The cousin laughed and gave Ruth a little glanoe, but didn't
reply:
"That's why I put on weight so easily," Ruth said with a smile.


As a matter of fact, that was one of the marvels of this
i 1 coat: it made her look as slim as she ought to beo but reaily
"The doctor told. me sugar was the worst thing," the cousin
saids
" Oh', they all have a different story "
They went downs tairs and. Ralph was already guzzling a whisky
and seda, with 'a cigarette on.. - He. got up and shook hands with
the cousin, giving her a pleasant smile. !
Then he told them about the blue carpet, how nice it looked
now it was down, though it might drive him intothe workhouse.
"What. carpet?" Ruth asked with a glance at Janet.
"Haven't you told her?" Ralph said.
."Not yeti"
"I thought you told her everything?" Ralph asked W 1th a
wink at' Jack.
"Well, I forgot that one. Anyway, she wasn*t there Satur-
day n'ight if you remember." She looked across at Ruth in a
confidential way- "It's a lovely blue fitted carpet."
"Ohs that's nicet Did you get it in Cha tsdowne?*
"Yes, at Blithe*s.*
"I think they have the best stuff."
" They laid it the same day. I reckon it only took them
an hour.and a half to get it all down. You ought to have seen
the ohildren's facest".
"I want a new one for the stairs," Ruth said.
# The kids s'd ruin it in a week," Jack told her.
*They have this one." As if carpets came with the morning
milki.
"Women haven't got any sense of money, don't you think so,


Jack?" Ralph asked,
"I don't know," the cousin. said,. "I had : to look after all
the ' finances in our house, otherwise I don't know where we should
have been."
"Itts true " Jack told Ralph. "Old Geoff used to hand over
all his. monéy to her, like a child."
"of course, he asked for most. of. it back before the end. of
the week," the cousin said with her strange mixture of sadness and
sparkling gaiety. And Janet noticed the richness of her voice---
the kind that children remember all their lives :
"He heededat for the publicans ". Ralph saids.
"That's right."
"Yet you couldn'a.find a cleaner-looking chap 1f you tried,"
Jack saids "Therets nothing squalid about Geobf like there is
about most, drunkards. Hets got style, hasn't he, Dosh? And
I think he realised he couldn 't keep a wife on those terms "
"Well, he could have," Dosh said placidly: - "But he saw
the effect on me."
"Really it was his.goodness sent him away," 1 Jack. said:
"Was his.work.affeoted too?" Ralph asked her.
"Nos It mostly consisted of drinking with other people
ar nyway "
Shé smiled and théy all. followed suit..
"I don't think I'm in any danger of turning to drink,"
Ralph said. "Not with a wife like mine. She spends it all
on oarpet ets!" I
"Go on with you!"
"All Géoff does when héts drunk is slur. his r'sa bit and
smile at everybody," Jack said.


"Oh,' well, that's not so.bad," Ralph said.
"But afterwards he falls.asleep," the oousin said quietly.
" And may be I didn't want to fall: asléep." :
There.was a slight pause, Hér tone - was a little strange.
"They always have a smile for.. other people," she went on,
"but then when you get them home . and want a smile for yourself
they've fallen asleep. or they're béing sick in the bathroom,
something, pleasant like: that."
"It hasn't turned you into a teetotaller yourself?"
Ralph asked.
"Oh, I'm not going to let.him ruin my pleasures, just
because he can't control his. own."
"That's right
"You 111 be: stey ing a nice long time?" Janet said to her.,
That depends on. Ruth, She might. get-fed up, with me En
she said with a laugh.:
"No; shets so. easy-going," Ruth. told Janet. "It's nice
having her in the..same house."
"Well, fish st inks after three days," the other - woman a)
said gayly. "And they say guestsare like fish, don't they?"
They-.1 laughed politely.
"I Dosh hês taken a lot of knocks," Jack said. "But it
hasn't changed you, has. it, mate?"
"I hope not.".
"You must pop over and see us sometimes ," Janet sai d.
"We're only. a few houses down."
She realised it would be another good and safe link with
Jack.
" Oh, that's nice," the other woman said.
"Our television programmes are the same as here " Ralph


said with a twinkle. "So you'11. be all right."
"Well, I'm a sucker for television," the cousin. said..
"I'm always worrying Ruth to put. 1t. on.".
"It's. me who's not so. kéennon it," Jack said witha look 1
at Ralph.
She noticed he looked at her as rarely as ever. Suddenly
she felt angry: what a silly thing to do---throw your pipe.
X across a field and think. yourself puré for having doez it!
And why did he do it? - She could have pushed his: modern iron-.
legged chair over, with him in it..
Yet. she saw. that he wasn't: smoking, that his hand hadn't
even drifted to: his. pockét this eve ening.
" off: on.your - travels again. soon, Jack?" Ralph asked.
"I heard. one.of the secretaries a'sking about plane: -
reservations to Paris today," Jack said wi th a side-look. at' his
wifes
"You. didn't tell me," Ruth said.
"Welly they might take the trade sectibn over-and leave us
this time "
There. was a drowsy pause.
n This snow's smmething, eh?" the cousin said.
"It reminds më of up north,". Janet said. n
"Thatts just what I was going to. say."
"Howts Cath's cold?" Janet asked Rutha
"1 Well, she makes it worse than it is.*
"Just like my Betsy. And you ought to have heard Mary
sniffing round the house. I told her, you're a born actress,
: I said."
1, Sonya just wants sympathy, as she doesn't go to school


The snow outside made the fire white-hot, and they all sat -
gazing into it. :She yawned, thén Ruth yawned---and they smiled
at each other. Again she felt a total stillness like that of the
airnbutside: as if her dreams were dead. She looked at Jaok.
He was tapping his right foot slightly. She knew it was impatience 7
to get back to his work upstairs, where he had a little room. So
much for his dreams. She knew the truth at last. Suddenly she
could read it in his face. How a could she have gone on so long
dreaming? And what. made her know it now? She'd waited too long,
perhaps; her strength had given out.. The fire blazed but she was
mortally cold all. the way through. She wanted to be sick. - Strange
how sudden these blowsgvere. One moment you were talking pleasantly,
then you were dead. She. sat there frowning, her face in a sullen,
mute. fixity, until Ralph said to her, daaining. his glass so that the
ice chinked against his mouth, " Well, we'd better push off."
"Do you feel all right?" Ruth asked her, giving her a olose look.
"Yes, you look a bit pale tonight," Ralph said. "I noticed
it before."
"It might be the cold," she said.
# Do you feel siok?"
"A bit." Lifegsick, she wanted to add.
"Come on, I'd better get you home."
At the door she didn't even look at Jack. The brisk air
outside was a bit of a comfort. The snow whirled in her face.
She'd said to the cousin, "Don't forget to come and see us."
There was something comfortang in the oousin's being unattached,
her marriage broken, wreoked and broken. Again they padded
down the road huddled together. Their footsteps at home, down
their own path, were 00 ompletely hidded. The silence was per-
vasive like the hhiteness itself.


*Did you eat anything funny today?" :
"Well, you get.to bed and I'll bring you sométhing hot!"
: She got into bed as soon as'they were in, exhausted.
She heard him lock up and put the empty milk bottles - out. -
Then he 8 toked up the fire in the kitohen and brought her a : 1
hot water bottle: A long time seemed to pass and he dame with
a glass of steaming lemons" Shei took' a few sips and then was
asleep's before he: came to bede - There were no dreams, and she
see emed to lie in a stillness like that: of the snow outside.
She woke looking into Ralph*s fade.. The curtains were
open and a blinding white' light came' ins There wasn't a sound
from the children upstairsa:
"Haven*t you goné to work yet?" she asked. :
He smiled. "Do younknow what the time 18?"
nh Ten otclock."
tt What?"
"I've driven the kids to school already. I had to put
the chains on."
"I'a better get up:"
"You stay where you are. : You*ve got a cold, my girl."
And in truth she could no more think of moving her limbs
than of flying in the air:
"Wha t about the offioe?" she said.
"I phoned them up "
litle
The snow ha d stopped. There wereyheaps along the window
ledges. For a momènt she was: éxoited by the cosiness, just
liké York at Christmas-tims, but then she remembered her real
state.


She listened to him moving about the kitohen, getting her
breakfast.
"Like to see the paper?" he called out.
"No, thanks "
He brought her sorambled eggs and toast with marmalade.
She was surprised at: her appétite, like feeding a body that
belonged to someone - elsea :
She wanted to hug him and ory'on his shoulders. But she
felt too numb and he seemed toomsstod far away:
She was in bed.for-a-week. : - First a cold wracked her,
literally shook her from head to foot like a toy: doughing,
sneezing, rétching. Then she got inexplidable - high temperatures
in thé evening. But she held out against Ralph calling a
doctor.. In all that time she hardly said anything, but held
herself, stiff and cold. Hardly any. images passed through her
mind. He stayed home for two.more days, then went back to
work, becausé old Sims wasn't very gracious about it, he said:
but he got off - an hour earlier in the evenings. . The children
stared at her from the doorway, séeming surprised that she should
be a real living creature capable ofcolds like they had..
The first day or two Tim kept whining for her. to get up, and
Mary sat: on the bed simply gazing at her, saying she was a good
actress: Then they seemed to accept it,as: if she'd been in
bed all her life. They played upstairs as usual and walked
round : to Ruth's every morning---Ruth had to take them to school
and give them lundh. Bétsy kept thè house clean in her little
way,"and even made broth for her oncé. There was no chance of


getting up: the strength had gone out of her enftirely.
It was as* much as she could do to drag herself upstairs to the
lavatory. Ralph wanted hervto gét up for-television in the
evening but she couldn't even manage that.
The sécond evening hè'went out to the pub for an hour to
see a few of the boys. ' She told h'im to go. : He came back soon
after ten and told her herd seen Arthur Simmons and Ted.
Arthur had been down - with flu' too; then' as he was getting better
Pat and the children got it: That was why they hadn 't come to
the pub Sàturday. Polly had been taken bad according to Ted,
and séemed to be gétting a chill.
*So you're in the fashion," he. said.
"What's wrong with Polly?"
: "Pains in the chest!"
: *Didshe go to the dootor?* she asked weakly', lying back
on the pillows.
"Yes, he was a 'bit blunt, and I think that upset her.
He said she'd got pains in her chest because she was afraid
of getting lung câncer, you know he goës in for this psycholog-
idal stuff. And he said, by God you'll get it if you go . on
smoking at this rate, too:"
"He was chainsmoking himself up until a year ago."
""weli, that isn't'to say he 's - wr ong."
"I don't know, he diagnosed me as having flatulency when
I I'was' preganti MA
with Tim', anyhow." -
"Like a drink of something?"
"No' thanks ."
"Arthur simmons was ôn about Jack," he said,
She registeredie a flidker of life, but not mich. "oh, yês?*
"Jack's going to join thé Labour party, he said."


"I thought he was in it."
"He.votes Labour, anyway."
"So do I but it doesn't mean I'm.in.the party."
Arthur Simmons was known for saying the' opposité of what-
ever Jack said. Ted.and especially Jim Barnes held him in
suspic ion for voting Conservative, though nobody knew if. he
4 really did or not : Ralph liked him, and Arthur. seemed to
réspect Ralph.
Ralph was eitting on - the beds :She had the illusion it was
ten years ago and he: was in thé. bedroom upstairs in York saying
good night, before he went baok'to his rénted room near the castle,
And in another moment - she was - asleep.
The evening temperatures abated and She bègan to feel
olearer, though no stronger: - Betsy' was marvellous. : She: in-
duced a feeling of awe in the other two so that they tiptoed
about everywhere in the morning, although they made up for it
in' the evening; with interést: Janet would call out weaklys
"Not too much scrapping up there." Sometimes Tim.came down
and simply gazed at her: : shé held his hand but wouldn't let him
kiss her.*
Towards the end' of thé week.she said to Ralph," "Why don't
you walk over to Ruth*s énd' take her something nice?. She ts
beén éver so good."
She said it without motive. She tried to think: of what
exaotly had happened in'the last few weeks but couldn't.
"I'll take hér a box of chocblates," Ralph said:
That evening he brought à boz of assorted home 'with him,
and a cigar for Jacki
The snow had begun again, just as the other lot was thawing.


It swirled. round the bedroom_window and. darkened the room all
day.. The mugfled s ilence returned. - That was a comfort.
All day Friday she lay gazing in front of her, not touching her
magazines, which Ruth had brought her.: Pat Simmons came and
sat with her for a bit in - the afternoon. : She wanted to know all
about their evening at the club when she and Jack had got lost.
- - Janet showed a,slight surprise - that-she should. know, thoughy she
was beyond surprises now: Pat" saidshe ând Arthur had screamed
when they: heard about its "I bet you did, JAnet-thought.
'And then mulled itnover together But she didn't.give a. damn.
She justranswered, "Oh,: we thought they'd'all.gone home. - Jack's
danc ing mus t have turned my head, I reckon." So theret.
Pat: went on to talk about Jack joining the Labour party.
She said the secretary of the Chatsdowne branch. had been round to
sée him. Théy were weak. on speakers, the secretary. had said,
and needed péople like hims Perhaps Pat was, féeling her out on
the subject; to see what she knew. She was a tali, slim, dark
girl with too nate-an apperangè; : Janet W atched her as objectively
as. if she'd never set eyes on her before, .. - She did so look like
polished mahogany, espécially in thé summer. when she'd-been in:
the sun a.t bit. And she did éverything in jerks, inoluding! .
thinking. :
Ralph went to Ruth's that evening, and câme back just/before
midnight in what she thought was an animated mood. : She - thought
he had news of some kind, perhaps about Jack and the Labour.
party. But hé sàid nothing. . Jack had been théré: à shè :
ascertained that mudh. * Dimly, right at the bottom. of hér being,
she still felt a tremor at his namé : But. it. was.quickly gone, X
even that :
When he was getting undres sed he told her. it.was true that /


Jack had been 8 approachéd by thè looai Labour party r secretary.
He was a.sort of pal of Jack's and had been after him for.some
time. - She gazed at him drowsily while he put on - his pyjamas,
feéling as if she'd been working hard- all day instead of lying
in bed. Pérhaps Pat Simmons haa taken- it out of her: Hé
wasn't going - to work next morning, it béing Saturday, thank
I goodnéss' She would lie' and listen to thet sounds of' their
getting breakfast; and perhaps she'd try and crawl next door
to join thèm.
" What would it mean, if hè did join the'Labouf party?"
she asked him.
*Well, they seem to think he might maké a cândidate--.
one of' the possibles, anyway." - He added, "Hets the type all.
right. - Helives for his ideas"
"I- don't think it's.good i to live for ideas.#
1 Why'not?"
"I think it'sthe wr ong way: round."
Hé-got into bed.
"1 Is it'still snowing?" She asked.
"No." 'But there's plenty more in the sky." :
"Did théy have ' television on?"
He màde a' long sigh and in a few minutes was, asleépe
y Or heseemed 'to be. She wanted to touch him and téll him that
they were now back again in- their old humdrum.: life ! No'more
dreams. Nothing to soften and enhance hér body. Hé' néed feel
no curiosity. t Just. the knownj. routine every day,and a bit, more
fat on the hips every day. Nothing to make the evénings at the.
pub - sparkle, nothing to turn the dlub into a sort of tropical
night. And would he change: back into the rather muffled, busily


smoking, st ooped figure he'd been before? Had he really been
Y that before? Was she sure he'd changed? Hadn't always been
bright---surely he'd always had his comic side? Reemember him
in York, before they were married! He used to keep her family
in fits. And her father said to her once, "Well, duck, you're
marrying a spark, that's one thing." Then the spark had gone
out in the darkness of Sims and Tuke. All this time Ralph
hadn 't moved.
"Ralph!" She found herself poalling his name,
He was awake 1
She made up a question, "Is it too hot?"
"No, it's all right."
There was a pause. "How do you
"Not too bad."
Had he been thinking too? The silence offered her no
answer. Her mind was blank like the miles of snow outside,
unruffled by the slightest breeze. And the silence gradually
absorbed her. She fell asleep.
She.woke early and waited for him to get. up. The snow
began again and before you could say Jack Rohinson the children
X were outside in the road shouting and thorwing snowballs, their
voices-strangely muffled. Ralph moved about briskly in .the
kitohen, and she could tell he was enjoying 1ife. She wondered
numbly what it dould be---then told herself that she knew: it
lay in -her own disappointment. Could that be right? His
mood was infectious : she began to feel brighter, the cold had
left her head at least and hadn't gone down to her chest.
"You awake?" he called out, putting the kettle on.
" Yes "


"How is it?"
"I feel a bit better, thanks."
The newspaper: fell on. to the doormat with a thud---late
on Saturday mornings. He hurried to the front door and she
heard him unfold it, standing there to read the headlines.
Then he went into the sitting room and started laying a new
fire. And to her surprise he lit it.
"What's that in aid of?" she called out.
"V Wha t?"
fr The fire so early?"
"You might want to get up."
Tim let out a howl from outside---his foul-play cry.
But he subsided. Betsy rushed in and shouted, " Any grub, dad?"
"No help, no grub."
She. di ved for plates in the cupbabra and distributed them
on the table like playing cards.
"Here there!" Ralph said. "You going berserk or something?"
He began forking the sausages. She heard the familiar, busy
little plunges, in the same rhythm as always. She could smell
the frying tomatoes---proof that her cold was on the way out.
Then the teapot was scalded, wiped dry with a teacloth---she could
pioture every movement he made---and given one,: two, three, four
spoonfuls of tea: three and one for. the pot, Mary and Tim not
counting as real tea-drinkers, they only took a drop in their
milk. And the. boiling water went in.. But there wasn't anything
humdrum about it. That was funny. She enjoyed the sounds e
They seemed to be waking her to life' again.
Tim and Mary dashed in.
"Look, you. two," Betsy told them, "don't bang about 80 much
or dad'll give you a slosh."


"Howdo you know I will?" 1 Ralph said.
"I will, theni" Betsy announced.
That séemed -far more fearful to them than a blow from Ralph,
as thèy promptly shut up liké jaok-in-the-boxes. Janet heard
them scrape their chairs up to the table, puffing and blowing.
They hadn't even kissed her good morning, though Ralph might have
told them not to wake her.
"Are you two soaked to the skin?" she called out weakly.
"Sssshi" she heard Betsy say. "Mummyts saying something 3."
She said 1t again but it was lost amid the sausages being
dished upe
"You gétting up, Jan?" Ralph asked her.
"I might."
tt What t?" Betsy cried. She dashed into the room. "What,
oan you get up? Oh!" She bent down and gave her a kiss on
the cheek and a hug that nearly choked her. "Mummy! Darlingi"
Janét felt a child in her own ohild's arms and could have wept.
Betsy was rosy, and her hair was wild, damp at the edges.
She hobbled out of bed and pulled on her dressing gown with
a heavy movement. She was pale but her face was olear at least.
She did her hair in the mirror while Betsy stood waiting. Then
they went into the bright, warm kitchen together---and suddenly
V she couldn't undrestand how she'd béen able to stay so long in
bed.
While they ate he went on talking about Jack, just as if
their conversation the night before hadn't oeased. How grateful
she would have been for a mention of that namé only a fortnight
agot
"I think it's just a gag," he said..


1aa
"What is?"
"All this parliamentary candidate bus iness. - Just to get
him in the party. Of course; they tell him he's one of the
possibles---that's a very long shot from being one.": - He
returned to his paper, rustling it in a final way as 1f this was
part of his argument.
She found herself gazing at him with her mouth open, not
blinking.
He looked up suddenly and startled her. : "You all right?"
Betsy was looking at her too. "Your eyes look awfully
funny, mum."
"No,. it's the shock of, gétting up---and seeing your face,"
shé said with tremendous effort."
They smiled. and sniggered at the unexpeoted joke. Tim made
a, olownish guffaw which lasted longer than Mary liked, as shé was
sitting next to him, and she gave him a sharp jog. in the ribs.,
"Here, you twofm Ralph oried. "Attend to your_rationsi"
"May. I get down?" Mary said.
"He's bothering me."
"Your mouth's. full," Janet said quietly.
When the meal was. over she went back to bed. The fried
stuff had. made hér feel a bit sick. The tea had doné her good.
The children were outside again at once and Ralph was cleaning
thé car in the garage. First he had to shovel the snow away
from the garage door, and it took him a long. time to start the
engi ine. Thé noisé irritated her, breaking in on the silence.
And half way through the morning she got up and went to the
sitting toom; by the fire.
She watohed thé snow from her armohair. Now and then the


dark form of one of the children dàshed across the whitenéss.
There was no Ruth to get lunch today, soshe.: pulled herself up
and went to the kitchene: : It. would have to be something simple.
Ralph had done the shopping with Betsy: She'd asked him to get
a nice H-bone of beef but he seemed to have brought lamb. , He'd
have to drive in and, get samething else. One thing he néver
forget was his blasted sausagés, which had made her feel. queer..
She, flopped into a chair by the kitchen stove.. The
children's voices drifted in to her, and only when Ralph pushed
the front door open did she realise that she must have been sit-
a time,
ting there. quite an h1 perhaps an hour or more.
The next. Tuesday Jack: flew off to Paris. Ruth came in
and told her the morning after, knocking on the back door as 1
she'd done, when sheiwas ill. The reason hetagone was that:
there'd been a hitch in the trade negotiations, and he'd only
got a day's warning.
"Just as I was getting used to having him," Ruth said.
"Oh, well; the job*s good," Janet replied in rather a
slack way. "He's happy.".
1 They're going to Brussels as, well, so. he won't get much
rest." - She stopped , and gazed at. her for a moment. "How do
you feel, Jan? You look a. bit better."
The snow had stopped the day before and a warm sun had come
out, turning it to slush in a. few hours. Everything glittered.
outside in a wet and dréary way, and the trees and gutters
dripped all the time. There was the hiss of slush outside


every time a car went : past.
"The spring seems : to have : comé witha bang," Jânet: said.":
" Why , don'tt you get:Ralph: : to take you away for theiweek :
end? I Itd look after the children."
"On his money?" : She felt ' ashamèd to Show her_self so
down, answèring so ungraciously. . But she just had no strength
in her. - bones :
"What about Dorothy?" shé asked, to chânge the 5 conversation.
"We. haven't seèn her.".
"She goes up to town nearly évery day. To see all the
things she used to miss in Préston."
"She goes to London?"
"I like her," Janet said.
"S She likes you too. : shesaid you have.spirit."
"I haven't got any. spirit.at the moment i
"Oh, flu always: leaves -you feeling depressed."
For a moment no trucks passed on the highway and thère was
a silence ' $o ddep that she thought she would never move again,
never survive it.
" Are. you worried about something?" Ruth asked her.
"No,".she said after. a pause *
Ruth looked so flushed and rounded + with health'as she sat
there.at the other end of thé table. Janet felt She must look
a sight next to her.
"Nothing to-do with Ralph?" Ruth asked her.
And again shé réplied, "No."
"Everything's all. right?"
Janet. looked across at her and for a moment she was on
the alert, dimly and numbly.


"You look so low; thatts all."
She thought. she saw. a slight appeal in Ruth's eyes.
As if she might have cried. Janet registered this quite coolly,
like someone far away.
She was about to make. a stock remark but. stopped herself.
She owed that at least to her best friend, never to lie. Though
she wasn't obliged to tell,the. truth. f
"Are.you_going to the club?"
"I dontt know.. Ralph didn't say anything."
A "Arthur and Pat want to arrange
missed
something, as they
it last time, " Ruth said.
"But you aren't going without Jack, are you?" Janet asked
her.
"Well,. I'd 11ke to show Dosh. what it's 11ke."
WhenRalph came home that evéning she told him about it.
and he.said with a gay look, "We, can't afford any more : club
evenings this year, mate."
"Why don't you go alone?"
"A round of, drinks would oost just the same," he said.
"Well, how do you feel, anyway?"
"You need a piok-me-up.",
She found sympa thy as irrelevant as everything else,
She'd worked mechanically that day. Sheid nearly smacked
Tim but stopped herself in time. Ralph always maintained
that a good wallop never hurt. a child if it was in anger, but
she noticed he never administered one himself. Her arms were
quite limp,: she had no grip. How she'd cooked lunch for the


childrèn she didn't know. And she'd had to ask Ruth to do
her shopping again.
She noticed one thing. She could now picturé Jack quite
easily. She could see his sharp, delicate nose, and his soft
.skin as if he was standing there. 'She didn't éven need: to stick
a pipe in his mouth to do it.' The image came like a photograph.
And: was as full of life as a photograph.
Ralph gave himself à genérous whisky and doda. :
"Like one?" he askeds
"It'd make me sick." A She added; "Youtre gétting quite a
drinker."
# Spring's doming." 1
"1 That's when you ought to' be knocking off."
The light fram outside had that disturbing pallor of first
spring sunshiné. It seemed to gleam and bore, its way into the
room---into her heart. She noticed that the' evenings'were longer
now. * And the roofs dripped endlessly with the last of the snow.
"I wish wé could have a change,"She said,
Almost all that week she sat by the fire, staring in front
of her until it was time to gét the childrens . on Friday morn-
ing she drove into Pyfield Green to pick up" the weekts magazire s:
she hadn't the patience to w.ait till Ralph did it in'the even-
ing. This restored her to/little life. She.sat turning; over
the pages drowsily.
Agai n she said to Ralph in the evening, "Why don't you'go
to the club sa turday?"
"I'll go 1f you do too."
"I don't feel like it, hone stly."
She felt she wanted news of thé outsidé world. but, couidn't
1 a
participaté herseif yet.


"You'll come. back w1 th some stories," she said.. "It'll
amuse me "
"You sound like an invalid!"
But he agreed to go.
"I promise not to gorge myself, matee--only: a four-course:
dinner and six or seven whiskies." And he laughed.
She watohed his. boyish expréssion from far away. They were
as distant from éach other as they could have been, She no more
knew what his thoughts were than she knew the milkman"s.
He slept - at once at night, or seemed to; -while she fell into a
semi-slgep, a long stillness that lasted until morning.
When ' saturday evening came she watched him dress while she
lay on the: bed und er an eiderdown. . She promised him she'a watch
television later, but she knew She woulân't. - Hé: put. on a white
shirt and made himself quite sprude, with a white handkerchief
in his.:top pocket, which he usually reserved for office binges
at Christmas.
If théy were separate now, she thought-wenot like strangers
because strangers have at léast a hope of striking up an intimacy
and they had none--then it was her doing 6 And. she hadn' 't moved
a limb.. She*d just sat and dreamed, and dreamed away her marr-
iage, without getting one little scrap of satisfaction, either.
Nota kiss event Only dreamed. She noticed Ralph had gi ven:
up asking how she felt. He no longer talked about the office.
Hetd beoome indépendent à Hadn*t that. béen her object? ::
"Have a good time," she told him as he bent. down to kiss
her. "Give everybody my love."
"Blimel, you're not dead: yett - Why don't you come al ong?"
"I just couldn't, honestly; Ralph."
She heard him closé the front door, and his steps sounded


down the path; then he turned left to the garage, pulled :
up the door with a heave. He opened the car-door. It was as
if she'd never heard those sounds beforé. They seemed to echo
like an a vast: : concrete stadium. The engine started and she:
oould imaginé him turning round to,back. down, one arm resting on
the. back. of: the seat. He. left: the front gate : open, as they
always did on saturday nights. :
Then he did S one thing strange.: Instead of driving out
towards . the highway, to. the right, hé turned left towards the
cul-de-sao. She became. quite.still.: She hardly breathed, as
if. this would solve the question in her mind." At once her mind
was awake. : Why had. he : doné that?. Only Ruthnlived at the end
of the culede-sac." Theré C ouldntt be another reason. Yet
why should that be strange?.. 4
She listened for the car. as hard as she. could. - but it was
a réady lost beyond the trees. He'd gone round the. curve.
- No one else lived there,. no one they hobnobbed wi th:
hadn't
only Ruth.. And. he kanittt mentioned Ruth. - He hadn't said he'd
seen her, to make the arrangement a He didn't éven know she was
going to the club- Not far sure.
Yet why shouldn't he piok her up? She was a friend.
What, was there guilty about that? Perhaps she was: applying her
own, guilt. to: Ruth, to himt Why should. they bè iike her--
betray. in silence, with. dreams? : He wasn't. like that, not her
Ralph,
But she couldn*t rémove it from hér mind. : It was fear, too.
Fear that he td do to her what she'd done to him. Wouldi she get
the same: medicine back, how---have him at her. sidè in bed dreaming
of divoroe? - Her hands and feet were 1cy dald.. Her teethi almost
chat ttered.


Yet it had given her énergy. She:ijumped up-vealmost *
gay--and made a cup of tea busily in the kitchen, still more
or less trembling. * She stoked up thé stove and put. some more :
coal on' the sitting-room fires * As she.was sipping the first
cup : she heard him drive back again, towayas the highways
Hè must have hada drink there a For. quite a timéyi too.
Yet why not?. Ruth was the ir i common, friend. Jack would. . do the
samé for her if Ralph was away. sr L And then of course Ruth couldn't
drive." of course, of course. dn : But why hadnit.he mêntionedi.
it?. : But then why should he?:. Ruthawas a common friend. , :
She even. képt her promise and kooked at.television. V There
was a brains-trust and : some limp variety from the: north. y She
gazed at: the. bright flickering images. and the:.cheap Ild-sell-
myself-for-anything smiles. as if they wére' her own thoughts.
She tried to picture them all at the club---the usual lông table
in the corner and the cheokéred lights on évery table, and.Herb
Watson in his smoking jacket standing by the band. Woùld Ruth
do to her. what she had only hoped to do to Ruth? a Anà shé*d
looked at Ruth with pity'not a fortnight agot! : 'On the previous -
Monday---yes---Ruth had g: iven her.a queer look and asked her if
sheid be coming to the club:
Now Janet would learn what it meant to Zove.your best
friend's husband. - Not in' the way: she+d planned: bùt: as- a
victim:
She would have to hope for Ruth's kindness. Al wave. of
been kind Ia
cowardice came. over her: But had she
'She h
pitaed.Ruth?i
hadn't given. her. a thoughtt She'd wanted to. destroy her,
She'd hatédcthe: thought of Jack t ouching her-w-his,own wifes
How could: people be like that? : Yet that was herself. She -
shuddéred, watching a grinning comedian on the screens She


hoped Ruth wa's a better person than herself.
"She heard trucks olattering along the highway. Well,
at least hér thoughts were doming clear now. She was past the
flu. i
: She' found she was aswéating ev er so slightly, as one ' doës in
fear, while her féet and hands . were stili frozen. - The fire
burned fiercely and threw out what nust have. been a great heat;
but it hardly touched her. She was'still sick; perhaps: i
thése thoughts were part of it; surely? They'had that feverish
edge. : Just bedause hetd driven to pick Ruth-upt - How : else
could she have got to the club? He'd done it before', when
Jack was away: only Janét had been there, too. What was the
différende? It was a mechanical aot on his pert, togo there
and pick her-up's
shé was troubled: : put her . hand up to hér féce,'fidgetted,
looked roind. - A dream hadcost her' all She had. Was that still
the nécessary conclusion?
When he came : in shé was already asleep. i How she'a got herself
undressed and switched out the lights she C oulan't say.: She
couldn't remember doing it. Shé woke with a start. Hé looked
a little pale, but his éyes-glistened, though bloodshot with
drink; as usual saturdays. > She watohed him move round the room,
undoing his collar and taking : out his ouff-links.
"How was it?"
"Oh." He turned and looked at hér. "You awake?"
"I woke up:"
"Shaii I switch the light off?", Hé meant in the hall.
- outibed, for hé hadn't- switchéd the bedroom one on. 'Hé was
always careful' ab out ' that, if she was sleeping: o


He wasn't going to say any more, it seemed. She
persisted: "Was it nice?"
"Not too bad. Jim and Hilda were there."
And again he was silent, taking his clean pyjamas out of
the drawer.
"Would you like a dup of tea?" he asked.
She tried to want one with all her strength, to gét him to
talk, but she couldn't.
"No, thanks." She closed her eyes, then made one more
effort before she fell asleep: *Did you dance?"
But she was asleep before he spoke, and never heard what he
said.
She spen t Sunday quietly, pleading tiredsness, whereas shé
was alert and watchful behind her pallor. He made a fire for
her in the sitting room as he'd done the. morning before, and she
went there in her dressing gown, putting Tim on her knee to read
to him. Betsy and Mary went to Ruth's to play with Ca therine,
and this thrilled Janet in a strange way because she hoped to
be able to read something in their faces when they came back.
Ralph had found some nice fresh sole in Chatsdowne when he went
there to get his car looked at the previous morning, and they
had it fried for breakfast, which made a change from his sausages,
and sat on her stomach less. She pecked at it and watohed him
while he sipped his tea. They hardly spoke and as usual he
spent his time at table plunging about in the Sunday newspaper,
oocasionally putting his hand round the corner .to feel for a oup
of tea.


"You'll knock'it over one day when you do.that," she told
him.
"What?". He looked round his paper with a surprised air.
"Oh." And he promptly went back.
Then he went into the garden ênd cleared a channel for the
water that had poured down from the roof, so that the lawn wouldn't
flood. The sun seemed to have come to stay, which partly dis-
appointed her because shé wanted to hug over a fire, thinking
her dark thoughts. But as if in answer to her it clouded over
before lunch.
Tim asked her, "Why does it always get cloudy before Sunday.
dinner?"
Ralph answered for her: "Because everybody's dooking their
Sunday joint and it fogs the air, up."
"You shouldn't mislead him like that," Janet said quietly.
"He knows a: joke when. he hears one,, don't you, son?" He
looked down at his son with one of those clear smiles that made
X his face delightful. "You didn't believe me, did0 you, mate?"
Yes, love was changing him as it had :chenged her!.
"No," Tim said emphatically.
"He knows clbuds are moisture," Ralph said.
"I bet. he doesn't,". Janet murmured, trying to. make herself
sound normal.
The next morning a sudden determination came over hers
She went to Ruth's.. She'd just parked the car outside after
driving the children to school When she felt a wave of defiance
like a wind that rattles the windows and sends the dark.olouds
rolling away from the roofs. She noticed he'd kept his white
handkerohier in his top pocket to go to worko Or had he s imply
forgot,ten it?


Ruth was in the garden hanging out' some cl othes.
"Janet t!" She looked surprised and delighted. "C ome
Thére was a real challenge in Janet's face-s-fixed and
pale. But she felt better, though she tried not to. Perhaps
the air had done her good. : She followed Ruth into the big
room where Sonya's toys were in the corner as usual. - How silly
I those nightmares weret: Yet, on the other hand; the look on
Ruth's fade might be happiness. Why should dhe look guilty?
Had she felt guilty on account of Jack? No, she 'd felt happ-
inessi
"Would you like S ome doffee?" Ruth said.
She felt so gay for a moment that she atmost skipped.
"Yes I" she said."
Thé light in the kitchen was soft and warm, and the dresser
looked as pretty as éver with its old-fashioned servicés Shé
didn't caré what thé truth was. - She was freet Ràlph could do
what he' liked. And that gavé hér fréedom, didn't +it? : Shé
would take it, theni
"How was thé olub?" she asked boldly.
"Oh, all right. I felt a bit lost- without Jack."
"When's he due back?" :
"Not for a fortnight, I don't think."
"Poor yout You ought to gét a boyfriend!" she said L
gaily, aoting. :
Ruth looked at her with what she thought might be a sad,
even hurt, expréssion. "I wouldn't mind if he chênged jobs
with your Ralph S ometimes. " 4?
That was so near the wound that she flushed, but luckily
her pallor was very thick. It was only an inward flush.


*Oh, you would mind," : shè said. : : "I have to think about every
penny : I spend."
"Youive got .him with you, at least."
And hadn't she felt that towards her, Ruth---how lucky she
was to have Jack at her side all the time,-in her bed, like
living in a palàce? She wanted to confide in Ruth. Ruth
must confide in her.' Théy looked at each other for a moment..
Ànd the ' moment passed.
They sipped their doffée, watéhing Ruthis clothes flap and
strain at the line outsider
"I thought I'd take advantagé of the wind," Ruth said.
Then, "I wish you'd been there Saturday. Did Ralph tell you
about the spot?"
"About what?"
"He got the spot for the quickstep, with Dosh. : Didn't
he tell you?".
"No." Shéwent on being. gay. "He was too full of whisky,
and Sunday morning he was inside the papers, you' can never get
a word out of. him t.hen."
it They got a big basket of fruit and some chocolates. He
madé hér kéep the Lot, which. I thought was very nice of him."
Janet laughed. "The mean old so-and-sot He might have
kept the chocolates for mel"
"Men want. to be cavaliers, you seé."
"Well, I've got à rival there," Janet said. "She'll'be
dancing with Jack as well!"
"I think she had a good time, anyhow. She said it' was
the nicest evening she'd had since she was married."
"Oh, thatts nice."


It. was a sign of how. far he'd drifted from her-+-that . he
hadn't said a word about that dance. Oniy a fortnight before
he. would have been so full of it, bubbling over like a boy.
He'd never . wan a spot before,: never had the courage to try.
Ruth. was still talking about Jack's cousin. "Shets-got
relatives up there. They look after her a bit."
"Reaatives where?"
"In London "
They sat together until it was time for Ruth. to. pick up
Sonya from nursery school round the corner. For a woman away
Rustand
- from the Har she loved Ruth looked remarkably healthy and carefree.
Her breasts seemed higher and firmer. Janet remembered the
same thing. in herself. Ruth's plump, rosy; smooth cheeks
mocked her-s, Her stillness mocked her, as if to say, 'Now
wait for. some of your own mediciné back.' At. the. same time she
Y couldn't believe# it.,
She left in the opposité mood from which she'd comer--all
her determination had gone. - She had no.one left, no one!
She would cling to Tim., She wouldn't let anyone take him away
from her. The girls would cling to her, stand by her---she
knew that. Now the ooward in her was looking round for allies!
The street looked bleak under the dark, racing. clouds, and all
its neat modernity was only. a flimsy cover over despair.
She decided to breach 0
the subject the moment he came in
that evening. "You didn't tell. me you won the spot," she said.
He. laughed; "Why, the bush telegraph been at work?"
"That*s right."
"Well,, I didn't want to boast, mate." And he. winked at
her; disarming chervenmity. Again she was struck by the bright-
ness of his face, ând its clean lines, as if he'd shed ten years


of life.
In béd that night, while he sèemed to sleep, she pictured
him danc ing round that-rouse-the-hall with Dosh in' a quickstep
that never ended,' while Ruth : watched him from thè corner table,
câlm and. benign: She saw Dosh*s tight blonde hair., and the way
her teeth protruded slightly in a's smile, and her cupid's bow
mouth. Perhaps Dosh didn't see. "what was going on. Perhaps
shé did, in her'wise 'way, with a broken marriage of her own.
behind her. And shé and'Ruth might talk together. What did
they say? Théy might say how unhappy Ralph appeared, how
Janet hardly seemed able to satisfy him, sher was so rebellious;
always complaining, éven as) hamed of - him. And what man could
stand for that?
Perhaps Jack was still keen on Dosh. Could that be it?
Gradually things were pieding together.. Ruth-hadn*t come: to
the pub that. first night with them. And Jack had talked about
Dosh lovingly. - Men spoke the truth, men like Jack did:" and
he said-he'd-been keen. on her in childhood. Early loves : are
the most haunting. And little wonder, she was so lovely, .
she stood quite apart with her golden hair and her rich. voidey
and her stillness that madé you feel so safe. - Why'had Ruth' 3
taken ' her-to the club? - As a prétext for going there: without-
Had
in Ralph,
Jack? - Wee
thet she@ found her. own outlet
and-pos- :
itively wanted Jack attached el sewhere? Janet knéw how. the
mind worked in these things, when it was a questionof lovet 3
Nothing was barred.
E: M
The'r next morning she got up before Ralph and. busied. her
self inthe-kitchen 'as if not tolet him- encroach on her domain.
"Féeling energetic?"-he asked with à yawn.
She began to see other things in- his face she*d never


noticed.before. His lips were full; not slightly pursed as
shé always imagined them. -Or. had they only become so? - : His
slightly grey hair at the temples gave him a rugged and weather-
beaten look. When he: concentrated on something it. gave his
face gravity and character. : She realised, with a. twinge of
horror that passed, immediately; that shetd always looked ' on him
as just another clerk, though she had :loved him no less for it.
His nose was delicate, not - much less so than.Jack's. Not: sharp
like, his but perhaps with morè decision and force about - it.
She liked his hands.: She knew how he devoted himself. to her---
getting her tea, always so oareful if: she got sick; mixing her
a. drink in the evenings. He used to. - He seemed not really
to look at_her. now:
She began to wonder, quite practioally, what she would do
if it came. to a separation. - She'd do .the classical "thing, she
supposéd---go back to mother. She. imagined the dark; narrow
stfeet with.all its. cosiness gone, The castlé would - brood in
the sombre, grey skys The children would-look lost, shetd have
to find them. new . schools. ;She wanted to cry,. but pulléd hérself
up. She went and looked at the new carpet, to give herself
heart. That seemed ages : ago. Yet who would say it hadn't been
her. fault? Why. had she doné it? There must be some reason.
for. it---some reason in fate.
At. present the children knew nothing. : They thought she
was quist.perhaps, but then.she'd been ill. Bessy asked her
every. day. as they were driving home from- - school,' "How do you
feel, mummy?", peering into her face. Sometimes Janet went
to. bed. early, leaving Ralph to look at télevision alones
She noticed everything he : did. - He didn't mix. himself a drink
any. more. * Perhaps he didn't need it. After ail, i dreams : were


enough, as she'd found out:
He hadn't touched her : in bed for nearly.a fortnight now.'
But then she'd been ill. Yet he seemed not'to have the désire.
He didn't go to Ruth's'again that week, didn't seem to
be aching to do so either. Just like herself, when shefd felt.
- she could stay away from Jack a fortnight if nedessray, so long
as he was safe and she.could have her dreams: : so long, above
all, as hè loved her too.
But sometimes it seemed that she was only lockéd in a;,
nightmare, and. still hadn't recovered from the effects of flua.
The thoughts went roundand round. in her head until she was. reagy
to réject them all. - Just beoause. hetd picked up Ruth to take
her to the olub as he'd done a dozen times before when Jack was.
away!
There wa's no olub that Saturday, nor did he suggest going
round: to'thé pub. They sat watohing television; and'this time
she took the. whisky ànd Boda he offered her. - Shefélt rested and
stéady. - Her cheeks: bégan to burn healthily again. Andiwhen.
they went to bed he moved towards her, and at. once hard,flocked :
ènergies séemed to burst out of her, and she madé sullén, almost
angry' movements, - névér speaking or maki ing :a sound, her mind:
almost absent. Their climax was instantansous," and relief" A!
went through their bodiés like a cough. She was' naked and' her
nightdress was crumpled in a tiny heap und er her, soaked: through.
She changed quickly and they were asleep at. once :
She watched him still, from a distande, but: the nightmare -
had passed. Certain thoughts came and went, with-a distréssidg
cléarness, but she pushed thém out of her mind. She-could'go
on living like this if necéssary. Doing the practidal things,
even in bed. No looking forward or back. t She went about


shopping briskly and made heavy meals. The spring was doming
fast, and soon there would be no need for the fire in the sitting
room. But it was cheerful in thevenings. je
She settled down to
television early, irrespective of him. Shé listenéd to his
ken
I stories of the office as if hé'was a' : s tranger; but, he' tola them
liké a stranger. She didn't carè. It made them free.
Once or twice she drove to Chatsdowné to have a morning
coffee, and once shé went: to the cinema. She even' - took the
liberty of asking Pat' Simmons' to pick up thé children for her,
because the' film didn't finish until past. sixs She laid tea
raady for - the children, and : she promised Betsy they would all
/ go to thè cinema
afternoon as a treat. She painted
staurday
her lips and was more careful with her hair than usual. The
film was one of those whêre évery shot looked as ifit was
never going to énd so'that you could wallow'in' 'the sdene'as if
! you were there:' Which, is just what she did. There was hardly
anyone else in the cinema,' Only a féw housewives like herself,
smoking.'and looking dazed and a little shaméfaced whén the lights
went up: She'drove back to Pyfield Green quickly: It was a
quarter to seven.
Instead of driving off thè highway into the main street
of Pyfield Green she took a short cut that brought her out
- behind the. stationa Rteurning to the house that way meant
not being in the peak-hour queue of "dars ooming from the opposite.
direction. It' wàs about the time of Ralph's trains She.
might: pick him up as he walked home.
She found him walking home with-Jack's cousin. At first
she was going to draw up thé car on the opposité side of the
road and oall out to him. : But then she noticed something
different. It wasn't just thé fact. that he was walking with


Dosh, it was the way they were walking. They were strolling,
almost hand in hand. It didn't seem that they'd just met by
accident on,sixgfour from London Bridge, They a lmost stopped
sometimes, half turning to each other,
in what
rapt
they were
sayinga Sherd never seen him like that. He usually walked
briskly. Now his body was soft and casual. Usually he had
something self-conscious. about his movements; making them
guarded and mechanicaly - That was gone.: - And Dosh's cheeks
were flushed. She laughed once end---almost---their hands
touched.
She could hardly breathea Her heart was beating fast and
she'd stopped the oar behind them, though luckily. on the other
side of the road. And luckily. there was no traffic behind her
to toot their horns and. draw attention to her. - She could creep
- forward. without passing them and then disappear - down a. sidestreet.
She wanted to cry, call out S amething, bang the steering wheel
with her hands. All of a sudden she realised that she was oam-
plétely alone in the world: not as Sherd thought previously, in
a dreamy sort of way, but really. Her thoughts of the last few
days wéré nothing compared to the reality: The narrow main
street with its shuttered shops and bare windows was so bleak
in the mild evening light that she could have destroyed herself
in that moment: - It was all.so dark, the drab hedgerows. in the
dentist's front garden by the - supermarket were like funeral
wreaths;: the faces in the other cars were implagable. and. closed.
They walked.so slowly on the other side, she thought it was
never going to end, as if she td been there all : her life, watching
her own Ralph from a. car. How c ould he do 1t?. How could he
do: : it to her? He belonged to her. Yes, he. didi - Tears filled
her eyes but they. were more indignation and, righteousness than


sorrow: She realised how closé they really were to each
other, shé and Ralph, after days of thinking they were strangers.
Atblast they were ten yards or so ahead---thankfualy :
neither of them turned round--and she managed to drive - swiftly
round into the siestreet; where she put the brake on sharply'
and more or less slumped in her seat. Therpicture of Dosh
danc ing with Ralph, 1 her tightiblonde hair shining-aathe passion-
ate way her teeth protruded ever so' slightly When she smiledi--
camé back to'her mind." And she'd never given Dosh ' one thought,
not one: Then how mad she must have bedome, not to have seèn
the truth right away. 'Had Ruth been : trying to'teli her about
it? Yet she couldn't believe it; either. Quite coollya
little voice said to hèr that the hardest things to'believe are
the most'obvious. No, it was true : There'was no mistaking
the way théy walked toge ther, their hips: almost bumping when
they smiled or half turned to each other. They were -in love.
Ralph was mâdly and fiercély in lové.
She* waited a long timé, giving even lovers---oblivious. of
time
the world, as lovers were---kmg to 'get away. The queue of
cars going in' thé opposite diréction' had eàsed a little.
With éxhaustion she started the engine again and turned the car
round clumsily: : She joined the queue going out of Pyfield
Green, away from the house : He'd be home late. :She remembered
that hé'a béen late several times the previous week. - Yet'not
really enough to notice. 'Could she be sure? Couldn't he si mply
- be enchasted with her? 'No, it was reality,what sheta seen on
that pavemént. ai few minutes ago. : Both ter dark and her pleasant
dreams had disappéared now, - leaving réality: a.world of. brick
and stone wi thout a apark in it.
She would drive round to the Chatsdowne highway again and


join the queue so that she could tell him she'd come straight
from Chatsdowné. She ev en felt guilty for having seen him.
And joining the queue from the highway absolved her a little
from it. She wanted to know nothing, for his sake. God
forbid that he and Dosh should be strolling along near the house
whén she got there! The quéue edged along, meroifully slow,
and for the first $ime since moving to Pyfield Green she blessed
the bottleneck.
She had a rush of tender feeling for Ruth, wanted to ory
on her shoulder. But she couldn't confide in her. No, she
didn't want to. At first she didn't know why this was. Then
she realised that she didn't want to' interfere with his love
in any way. That was how close she was to him. She had a
horror of interfering with things that fate had clearly provided
fors
How he'd be able to eat or look the children straight in
the face she didn't know. She must look pale, her face must
be gripped tight. She looked in the little mirror. Only her
eyes showed anything---a kind of pleading expression. At the
same time she was fasoinated---to watch him, note his.movements.
She looked forward to that. She couldn't say that life was
dull now.
When she got home the first thing she heard - was Betsy's
voice, "What was it like, mummy?*
Mary and Tim were upstairs at their boats---apparently
with Ralph, too, because he called out, "That you, Jan?"
"Been giving yourself a good time?"
She answered, to cover her real state, "You should take the
children to see it Saturday."
He went on splashing, unaware. Betsy clungto her and they


179 as
- got the téa réady. - She kissed Betsy several times and néarly
cried.' : She : was all but certain that Betsy sensed something.
only
' But the child wa's aisoreet. And then, children---they, woke up
years later to the réality of something they'd understood with
their senses, alf unce.
The stréet outside had been empty when 'she drove home. i
She'd given the roadway a glance - in Ruth's direction, a fearful
glance..
"Where did you sit, downstairs?" Ralph asked her, appearing
in the kitohen. * He gave her the evening kiss.
"In the gallery, m.. she' said. -
"That's where I like to sit," Betsy told them in a tremend-
ously confidential tone.
"Except théy project the film just over your head," Ralph
said. "And it keeps flickering all the time, and you can see
your smoke as it goès across' the screen."
"No, it doesn't," Betsy said with complete' authority.
"You're thinking" of the Palace in Pyfield Green. They do it
from behind the soreenat the Broadway."
"Well," he said with a smile, "I dontt' spend so much time
there as you do."
The white handkerchief was still there, showing carelessly
out of his top pocket. rt looked silk but She knew it was fine
poplin: because there was no silk in his drawers. Janet wanted
to pluck it out of his pocket and give it an éxamination.
The sun appeared briefly and sadly between dark olouds, on
its way down: Soon there'd be summér, with those long, melancholy
evenings---half exciting, too---when voices drifted in from the
street and the garden looked lush, ànd stirred the senses.
She drank three oups oftea instead of her usual two that


evening, and found herself hoping that he'd offer her a
whisky when the children were in bed. But he didn't. - No,
he didn't need it like her. 'He gazed at television with bene-
volent eyes, perhaps as she had done, not seeing the images or
hearing anything, but dreaming.
The blue carpet had a strange
effect---she wanted to burst into tears when shé thought of it.
They. went to bed early and she wanted him to move towards
her. She found herself excited in a dim and numb way, against
all her other feelings.. But hé fell asleep, or madeit seem so.
theukmg ) her
She began. to think of Dosh, as perhaps he wa 8 at thet-mement
too. Shé still liked her. She even thought, with bright self-
less clarity, that Dosh would be.good for Ralph. She thought of
her mouth again and her. rich voioe, and the way they'd danced the
quickstep, as if she'd séen them do. it. Perhaps they'd discovered
dher
( each,for the first time in that quickstep. Hadn't---very near-
ly-4-the same thing happened between herself and Jack? But Ralph
must have felt something that first évening in the pub, when Dosh
was introduced to thems And she'dseen nothing. How far human
beings are from each other; she thought. Such feelings, behind
such closed faces: Dosh had reminded her of soméone else that
night. And she oouldn't think who it wàs. It was more an
impression than an actual facial similarity. Something to do
with her voide ând the way she gazed, at people, and the sparkling
gaiety. that séemed to go together with the blondness of her
hair. The image was before. Jénet half. the night, and only when
Ralph was clearly asléep for. the first time, breathing heav: 1ly,
did she realise who that other person was. It was his, aunt
K Kate. At once she knew hos hetd fallen in love, and how in
evitably. All of a sudden she felt sorry for him,: and tender.


He'd had nothing to do with it, after all: The - worship of
his life had: suddenly appeared before him, renewed.' Perhaps
she could even help him, She moved slightly and touched him..
by accident. His body felt magical. to her now. She.felt it
even as a privilege.
Again she was -up before him in the morning to get tea.
She kissed him at the door-as if he were à child, and she watohed
him, all the way down the street. : She could face him,; at least.
That was something she'd hardly dared hope the evening before,
in the car. She didn't feel broken---only that she had little :
to do with her own life.
She peéped into the road continually from the sitting-room T I
windows And when she : drove the children to school she kept an
eye on both sides of the High Street . to see if Dosh was on' her:
way to the station. She was pretty sure, she didn't. catch the
same. train as Ralph. Perhaps she-went earlier, soon. after
dawn: that would be devotion, indeed.
Later that morning; she went round to Ruth's. again, and they
had coffee together. She, was determined to show Ruth a happier
and more trusting face than before. And Ruth put this down
to her feeling better, as she hoped she would..
"I can't remember you looking so well," she said, which
made Janet quietly proud, that she had, Buch commandi.
Ruth seemed to know nothing of what was going on, after
all., Janet established that much by gétting her to talk about
Dosh*s love-life. She had a kind of sweethéart up in Préston,
said,
X Ruth thought, and she was quite anxious to get back: though
she hardly seemed the sexual type. I Just'how one woman mis-.
takes another, Janet thought.
And Jack would be coming back earlier than she thought.


Janet hardly heard this piece of news, : It seemed a name from
another agés
In the afternoon she drove over to Chatsdowne again and had
high tea at Blithe's with fish and chips and cake, because. she'd
not wanted : lunoh. Thé money was disappearing fast. All these
visits to Chatsdowne meant she had to. break into. the housekeeping
money: - she wasn't the one to save. And what Ralph was doing
in Lond on she didn't know.: Seeing Dosh every day: might be ex-
pensive. And she was sure he was doing t hat. Perhaps Dosh
had money. The future would : tell. A break would come S oon,
As Janet thought this she had a feathery sensatkon inside that
almost made her throw . up her tea. :
Had he glimpsed
He began to come home, at the right time. 5 aaxkegauxks
her in the. car? But.he didn't seem cautious in any. other
respect.: If he had. seen her he would have made a start, he
would have hurried across to her, felt a. pang of guilt. 1 But
he did seem warned in. some wày.. He was watchful--wat - the same
time as.his face became softer and more relaxed. He douldn't
hide his joy: that was it. The days were perfeot for love. :
There was; mild, warm sunshine and a breeze' from. the: sea, and
magnalia
the first lilac. and gkes ECor blossom. was out---what hadn't been
killed by the, frosts. Ruth. told her that the, fine weather,
had come in with the tide, early in the. morning, i and when. that
happened you could rely on it. staying for ten days or more a .
a 5
That would be ten : days of, blissfor Ralph.
As if to prove that he wasn tt seeing Dosh hé asked her
to meet him at the station one evening with the car, because


there, was an early TV programme he: wanted to:see. She wént,:
and there. was no sign of Dosh in the, crowd. - She kept a look-
out from the sitting-room window later, but she: didn't pass.
Next day Ruth told her that.Dosh. had stayed the night in. town
with her. brother-in-law, so as to méet Jack in the morning at
the airport; then they would: come home together in the, evening.
So Ralph wasn't so. clever after all.
The following. évening, too, he returned l.alone.. She was .
surprised at how cool her own thoughts were:. a There wasn't a: hint
of nightmare in them as, there had been when she'd: suspected
Ruth. Poor Ruthi :
This was a real emergenoy, and all her energies were
st teeled.
She tried talking about his aunt Kate. It. even excited
her to do so. - She was amazed at her powers, how. level her,
voice sounded. : And that, proved it. He wouldn 't- talk on. the
subject. He, made it seem that. he. was concentrating on the
tej jevision. - A spasm . of horror went through hery as if, although
she knew the truth, it shook her to be présented with it tangibly.
Agai in; on. the Thursday evening, hé moved: : towards her in bed,
but selflessly, as if he was thinking of sone.thing. else all, the
time. And again. she found. this exciting, so. much so that she
hardly dared move. She seemed to have no attitude of her lown,;
Bir
almost. no body. No pride, almost no self-respect. A Bhé WEEn
excited, and perhaps more. so: than ever before., Their olianx
was sudden; and quick. - She found she was"unawere:of his oigar-
ette-smell; or rather, it. now had a sort. of authenticity; à
it seemed. none of her business.
This made her nerves easier during the. dey. At least he
was looking after her in this respect, and that was the most


important. one : : : She set about the. spring-cleaning and got the
upstairs done in a couple of days. What she found. under the
carpet in Betsy's area of the room had to be seen to bei
believed,
and they had a fine old argument about it When she came in from
school: It made her feel hilariously normal---let him have his
affairs!
They had almost no .C onversation now. He, knew she knew::
that was clears Hegave her little glances now and then, but
she couldn't tell. whether. they were fear or, pity: But he didn't
seem sorry- She remembered. how. little sorrow she'd felt.
Onè .thing suddenly struck her when she was oleaning her précious
blue,. carpet one morningt his.body had changed its lines,
she - no longer pio tured him as stooping when he walkèd. So how
oould she feel resentment against Dosh, who was giving her a.
.new husband? She wanted to laugh. More. thàn that, she had
a . strong sense of Dosh*g magic, thet came to her through him:
him
a sparkling blondness.seemed. to surround/when he came - home in
the evening. She ad mired his taste. - And his movements. weren*t
so jerky, as. shefd noticed in the High Street. Hadn *t she :
learned to carry her head high for the first time in her 1ifé?
All these things she saw in Ralph through herself.
And wasn't it a sort.of bargain-a-that in return for giving
him his.freedom she should get him back new? - The thought was
thin and.clear, and had no support from her body. The thought
horrified her body, but remained. 1 The terrible part of the
bargain was the risk, that one day he might never came. back..
Yet * she decided to take the risk.. There was nothing else to do
if you. didn't believe in opposing fate
She wondered more and 1 more how much money. he had in his
pocket. He was dutting. down on-cigarettes, she. noticed that.


"Aren it you smoking these days?" she asked him, amazed at
her own directness.
"I feel it in the old chest some times "
Once she managed to be at Ruth's at about seven in the
evening, and Dosh came back at that timé: she must have been
on the six-four. Janet gazed at her curiously. Dosh seemed
to feel no embarrassment, nor to feel the possibility of any
Janet
I resentment. A She wàs happy to see this because she thought it
meant that Ralph wasn't going to upset his family-life.
X She felt no competition with Dosh, and she would have doné other-
wise. Dosh even looked at her with pleasant curiosity, like
Janet's ouriosity towards her. For a moment Janet doubted
her belief. But Dosh looked so radiant that she began to feel
doubly sure. She looked at Dosh's neck once. There was the
dark trace of a kiss---a long, burning one e You didn't get
that travelling up and down to see the sights of London.
Jack was back in England but working a lot of overtime.
It was now definite, Ruth told her---as if she gived a demni-
that we wouldn't get into Europe. Only the people right at tàe
top still believed it, she said. Well, Janet thought, Ralph
Geer
X was luckier in his love than she/ves: he hadn 't fallen for a
pipe-suoking political machine. She had a sense of venom against
( I ) Jack which passed into indifference. Nowd she couldn't see
wha t her dreams had béen about..
Then Ralph came in one evening and asked her if she'd like
to pop over to Splinterts with him. They'd met at the station.
She had a twinge of fear: Dosh must be planning to go there,
perhaps with Jack. No, she couldn't face seeing them together.
But she said---so as to seem normal, in the unspoken conspiracy
of normality between them, "Yes, I wouldn 't mind."


They arrived there at dusk. - The evenings were. drawing
seginhig ro now linf.
- out really long now, and the trees were/ tkmh Fleaves
Underneath her fear there was a physical satistaction, even a sort
of reawakening. She began to look forward involuntarily to
the ir holidays. But it wouldn't be by the sea this year.
He id. make some excuse. She'd knew he'd gone into the holiday+
money. She could feel 1t: She felt she needed the ' sun terribly.
I Well, shetd.get it in the gardenrif nowhere else.:
Jack and Arthur Simmons were in the middle: of- an. argument.
You could have cut. the atmosphere with a knife. They sat on
either side of Polly's table looking very glum and set, Whilé
Splinter sat in dad's chair by, the fireplace as usual, making
funny. little placatory fades. And Polly'looked contrite, as
Janet
X if she was responsible for it ali. Dosh wasnit there. she A
sank into:a chair witha sigh of relief. At least Dosh respect-
made ker
/ ed hér that much: Polly gota cup of tea forter while,Ralph
got his usual half-pint of wallop. Arthur and.Jack took hardly
any notice of them. They'd never been too keen on each other..
Arthur had about as much rebel in.him as a doctored cat, and this
didn't suit Jack: at all. Arthur. sat there in. his white bank-clerk's
y collar and neat tie, his hornrimmed spedtacles on-a-she felt he
was proud of them. But she: liked him. He was always so nice
and responsible. And he'd given Pat a good life when all: was said
and done: Rachel and.Godwin would go to collegé if it killed
him. Well, if you had as little brain on your shoulders as, Pat
it was all right. -
It seemed to be the. tail-end of; : the argument. There. was
a brief, uncomfortable silence and Jack turned to her: "How
are you, Jan?"
"All right, thanks. Did you have a.good trip?"


"Not too bad." He smiled without much warmth. "Too
much work, though."
There was another pause.
"How did all this start?" Ralph asked in his intimate way
that seemed to make them all féel better, even' the protagonists..
"Jack said it was América's fault we wasn't getting into
Europe," Splinter said.
"Well, I didn't say exactly that, mate," Jack told him.
"I said we hadn't made up our minds if we were négotiating for
our
America or/own country. Thatts not Americats fault. That's
"I don't sèe what you méan - by saying America put the clock
back for us after the last war,". Arthur said.
"I said-wetve been at a"standstili all that time because we're hed
of America. Yes, Isaid that. We've.got a fake socialism
Isag
A that's complétely run by business men. Because wé're tied
to an old-fashioned tycoon oapitalism that was all right/H
itf
hundred years ago but ie no good now. 'And I say that after
the wàr we were gétting on to something new and then América
stepped in with prospects f or the boye."
"old-rashioned? , América?" Arthur said with his S illy
hornrimmed spéctacles going up ànd'down, giving Janet an in-
credulous look," as if she cared, L
"Amertcatstun by big bus iness. men and we're run by their
lackiest That's what I sayt"
" All right, mate," Polly said quietly, "there's no need to
shout."
"I téll you what," Jack sàid, springing forward in his
chair, *if one of the parties came forward and offered this
dountry independence, and chucked up all this stuff about a


188 la
nuctear alliance With America, it'd sweep the country."
"Have. you told the Labour party that?" Arthur asked with a
wink at Ralph.
Jack smiled. "Yes, he didn't think much of it, either!"
"Are they putting you up' as a candidate?" Ralph wanted. to
know.
"Not just yet, mate," Jack said, leaning back in his chair
V in a camfortable way. She could just see him in tenyears' time,
radiating ste eadiness.
"They didn't like his nuclear policy," Splinter said.
" And he called the secretary. a fascist."
"Go on!" Ralph laughed.
"He wanted to know where I stood," Jack said, "He wented
à to know if I believed in à European nuclear force indepdendent
of America, That was a catob, you see. I said I didn't believe
in anything nuclear. Which meant I didn't bedieve in being part
of the American nuclear system; either, where somebody else three
y thousand miles away could pull the trigger for us ! I said we
should throw up all this bomb business because it wasn't. real
defence' anyway, it was just a. power-symb ol. - I said I didn 't
believe in'the nuclear balance between Russia and Amerioa.
jur
sest ous
x I said Ehought it wasya: hoax to stop the wortd trhatween
moolues -
being. independent and shifting. for themslmeds I said it was
wes
X only propagated by Englishmen who:didn*t know if theyAEnglish
or American.: I said we should. work for real. things, to. try'
to establish a real civilisation, wetve got a wonderful island
and it's about time it stopped being used as somebody else's
Aad
Y rocket basé. I said we have to have real allies who spoke
our language and understood our thoughts, not a substitute-
ally who wa's éverybody's friend and who. secretly thought we


K were pathetic. . and outmoded: Isaid we nèeded ant ally who
didn't regard himself as morally superior to us and think he'd
been eleoted to solve history's problems for all mankind. I
said that was the way for us.to get back to real lifé again',
to stand on our feet and start living in the present, but our
own present and not somebody elsets. I said'that was what our
youth wanted, I said they d ouldn't réspect parents who didn't
love the ir country but believed it right for Americans to love -
the eirs. I said the American alliande was the most fatal alliance
we'd ever had in our hist ory because it. sapped: our energies and
cost us. our independence. I said that if we didn't believe in -
bombs we shouldn't shelter under American ones, and if we did
we should have our own : Well, that, tore it.": He paused wi th
Ralph
a funny little smile at ' Saxk and added, "He said the patty
would never have. that from. a candidate."
She did admire him still. She could see: now how she'd
loved. him. She hadn't been wrong. 1., But. she" was weak, tired
through. She didn't want any more talk,, no. more promises for
empty dreams.
"All.I know is prices are. - going up all the time," Polly said,
getting up to draw. the' curtains - "That's all I know."
: Jack turned to her again, after he'd - got. breath back from
his spéech. "Ruth said you were really bad.for 'a fortnight."
"I've never seen Jan so low, anyhow," Ralph said, but she
noticed: Jack didn't glande at : him or say a word.
"I'm all right now,": : she murmured, under all their gazes.
"You - look thinner; Jan," Arthur said as if he'd just seen
her.
Well, shê was sitting between the two men who'd done it:
who'd both. rejected her. She felt thin, yes : theytd added


190 de
that word for' good measuré . What fools men were.
"Ruth was marvellous, ," she.said with an edge to her voice.
"She did all my shopping.". And she stared at Jack in a deliberate-
ly. sullen way. à
"I reckbn - she didn't want her friend laid up for a month."
And he made an awkward movement that séemed to her almost like
afféction. He turned round 'to Splinter: "Ruth dotes on old
Jan; younknow." Aga in hè addressed nothing to Ralph.
Was there a. moral edge to Jack's tone? It séemed to hér
as she. glanced,sideways that Ralph was looking a but abashed
Jack
v and helpless. Oh, yes, he could be moral---who wa's so foolproof
against love himself! But at the same time she wondéred if
I TLKK didn't feel protective towards her. That was a discovery.
She nearly' had a resurgence. of her - old feeling for him. - Yèt
for
she was worried ehont Ralph : too: not to have him given the oold
shoulder by the others.
"Howts Dosh?* she' suddenly said---even with innocencé 'in her
voice.
Jack blinked but maintained his composure. She couldn't
X have H better proof that it was all true,
*Oh," he said, n' a sight happier than she was up.at Preston."
"I'll bet." She didn't say it with sarcasm.
"How does she strike you?" Jack asked her in a confidential
way. o
1 Ralph was sitting bolt upright, not risking a movement, even
the flicker of an eyelide
"Shets marvellous," she said. And she said *t with firmness,
as if to téll him that no moral lines were to be taken; that she
oould look after herself. "A tonic for any man---I can't see


how the other chap could leave her."
'Other chap*---that was. good.
"Well, he didn't leave her, really," Jack said. "He's
eating. his heart out."
"I reckon," Polly said suddenly, I a woman should stick by
a mân if he's a drunkard or not." They all looked at her.
"Particularly if he's a. nice. drunkard, like everybody says he
And she gave her hy husband a straight, palé, confirming
look.
So.she knew too?
' Yet nobody W ould. talk about. it openly. That was England.
It.was how: she'd been brought up. It was samething you began
to understand slowly: that, under the vague faces there were
: passions, and bitter. sorrows. .
She turnèd to Polly and said with a peculiar oontradictory
defiance, "But you've got to get something out of it, haven't
you? I mean, he wasn't giving her
anything .
And Polly disregarded this as if she wasn't really in the
discussion.: The.glences. were all round Janet, bypass: ing her,
never direct.
Only Arthur didn't know perhaps. He was.gazing at the
tablecloth benevolently: it was a great night for him---two
glasses ' of beer without Pat standing over him like a
mahogany goddess."
"I'reckon a woman's always got, a way with a man, # Splinter
said, poking the fire suddenly, though he'd just that minute
poked its heart out.
"Of. course she has," Polly said, though nobody knew quite
what splinter meant. "A woman can change a man if she'a a mind


"Oh,"well," Jack said quietly, looking down,-" "she's had a
rough time, I don*t oare what you say. - There's no-behaviour
too low for'a'drunk, and hets usually lowest at home. She's
taken the foulést insults I've ever heardicome from a mân's lips,
I can tell you that."
"V Well, I wouldn*t stand for it," Janet said. And agai n
they disregarded her; as if she knew nothing.
"Nor would I," Ralph put in. She thought his voioe was
gripped with determination, but as he was puffing at a cigarette
at the samé time you C ouldn't gell.
"You're a man, mate!" Polly cried indignantly. "You ought
to stand for it a damned - S: ight longer than a woman and see that
shé changes, tool"
- Did she mean Ralph ought to change her, Janet? Did she
have thè reputation of---looking round her too mich? She had.
a surge of hot panic, sweat formed instantaneously on her uppér
/ lipasnto think that péople might think that. If only théy spoke
in His a Rd uenasd
their thoughts olearly! ' But
nea
douldn't téll where
Ayou
you stood or what sort .of person you were.
*Never mind," Splinter said, obviously feeling it was.going
too far, "it's none of our business, éh, Ralph?" - That wasa
brave little shot.' "And what about another drink all round?"
The first glass hé went and picked up was Ralph's.
"I reckon I could do with a drink now, ,"* Janet said. Shesd.
only ha d téa so far.
Evérybody looked delighted. "Well, listen to. thati* Polly
cried. nr The saucy hussy! Here, give me a glass down, Splint,
and I'll givé her a peg of port."
"You*d better have S ame yourself while you're at it,"


Splinter said. "Bloody old misery!"
They laughed deliberately, and the port and lemonadé were
brought out. Beer was poured into the other glasses, and every-
body said cheerio. She drank gratefully and as the liquid made
a warm channel down - inside her she thought, what the devil did it
matter who loved who as long as they were friends?
Polly leaned over to her confidentially and told her in a
lower voice that she'd been to the doctor again, and some x-rays
had been done, and it was all right.
"Oh, thank God for that, Poll," Janet said. "I was going to
"He said to out down on the smoking, that's all. And I
might have a stomach ulcer, he said."
"Incipient. Anyway, he's put me on a diet, and I redkon
I can do it if Splint cooperates."
"It seems all fish---boiled, too," Splinter said with a
sorrowful look at the others.
"That's what Connie Bowes was on for a twelvemon th, f1
Arthur said. "And it seemed to do her good."
"How are Dick and Connie, by the way?* Janet asked her.
"I haven't sèen them for evér such a long tim "
"I saw Con the other day. She wants us to oome to the
club this week."
"Thatts an expensive lark," Arthur said.
"I reckon we 11 never be seen there again, not since Jan
put in a new oarpet," Ralph said.
"I don't know, mate," Polly answered at once---she was
determined to get a cut at him, "you was thére two Saturdays ago,
wasn't you?"


"Only because I sent him," Janet. told her quietly.
"Well, more fool you!" .Polly I
eried with a laugh.
Ralph seemed like a threat to publio sedurity for, them.
That was how hé sat there, alone, glad for a glance in his dir-
eotion.
But you ean't help love, she wantéd to tell them. At the
same time she wanted to lay her head on the table and ory herself
to sleep with miserys
To give herself oourage she looked at Jack and tried to see
every feature of his face as she'd seen it onde:. the darting
eyes, the skin that was so soft---somsoft-to the touoht How lucky
Ruth wast She felt almost reawakened. I She stared at him
openly.
Could she be sure he didn't feel something too? How did
she know he hadn 't deliberately suppressed his feelings? Perhaps
he had a stronger character than Ralph---some would say weaker,
because you needed strength to love. And Ralph hadn't harmed
her, after all. Even in the. most intimaté matters he'd ful-
filled his---quota.
She realised they'd got on to politics again.
"No," Jack said in answer: to sométhing of Arthur's, "I sày
America took us right back to the Thirties again---prosperity
and nobody believing in anything. And after the last war we
were all set to'change it. Then we found ourselves. in the middlo
of another war---a few months after the other one endéd. They
oall it a oold war and there we've been ever sinoe, with our
life frozen and paralysed! They've even got into our secret
Bervice if the truth be toldi"
She tried to love him again with all her heart, to relieve


the pain.
"I don't see they're any different on the continent,"
Splinter said, shifting in his seat.
ni They don't want to buy us up, at least."
"What made them see the 1ight first over there?" Ralph
asked him. He was being a tiny bit sarcastic.
" They hadn't lost the key to our civilisation as much as we
had," Jack answered promptly. He always spoke in this light yet
probing way, as if the thoughts were already in his head and he
only had to put them to words.
"Oh, come off it!" Arthur cried. "I don't call nazism much
of a key!"
"We've forgotten how to live," Jack. persisted. "And we've
got to learn again."
"What sort of thing?" They were playing with him.
"Well, the arts of food---love," Jack said mildly, with a faint
smile.
That was too much even for her. The arts of love! From him!
Shé could have tipped his beer over his head.
And then she saw him do an extraordinary thing. She could
hardly believe her eyes. He put his hand in his pooket and---
took out his pipe. she gaped and stared. And then he began
fiddling for his tobacco pouch!
"Good Lord!" she oried,
Everybody looked at. her.
"What---what do you think you're doing?" She gasped so
much that she could hardly speak.
"Eh?" He stared at her, then followed hér eyes down to his
pipe.
"What are you doing with that?" she said contemptuously.


flioking her hand towards the. damned little black thing.
He turned the pipe : over in.his hand, looked at it, looked
up at her, blinked. : And all at once she came to her senses:
A blush crawled up her neck with awful slowness. No one spoke.
There was nothing they could say; really.
Suoh.a long time seemed to pass that she nearly ran out of
the rooms As for Ralph, she. wanted to hit him for not resouing
her in some way : . But everbody seemed to be struck dumb - N
How she dould-ever explain it? How? She just had no idea,
"Oh," Jack murmured, putting the pipe away again, "I
forgot. : Jan isn't keen on pipes." fi
And he flushed slightly: Did ke mean he really had under-
stood then, at the time? that the ourved flight of his pipe in
the darkress had really been a sign? - His flush seemed to her
the most marvellous thing she 'd ever seen..
Polly laughed. "Well, what a tyrentt"
"I made him throw it - away once,". she said.: Truth was. the
K only way out, she knew that. 6 "It. se'ems ever so: ruéa, but' the
smoke gets right down into my stomach somehow. e #
"It's because you've been queer, " Ralph' said. y "I wondered
9 what the 1 hell was upf). Eh, Jack?"
Jack nodded a little timorously and they all laughed aga in.
"No wonder you're grey round the edges, matet" Polly: said
to Ralph, as if she'd forgiven him in her heart. , i '
Only Jack was a little constrained.
"It was that night we got lost," Janet said. She: was
determined to have it all in the open, for her own sake.
"We took a walk to get some air and I made him throw it away."
This seemed to relieve Heck, too. "What I didn't tell
her," he said; "was that I had two pipes."


"He threw it into the: next field." 1
"What. was you doing in. a field?" Polly asked shrilly, with
a wink at,the otherss
"Walking. "
"Walking my arse !" - Polly éried, in her old form suddenly.
"Tell that to the marines t" :
"All he did was talk politics," Janet said..
"You are slow, mate:". Splinter said. "What's the matter
with you?".
"Happily married," Janet said 5 so' coolly that! it didn't
seem an exceptional remark at all.
# Well; all this is news, Jack," Ralph said in his' comical
way:: "One lives. and learns."
"I thought I'd got him to give up smoking," Janét said.
" And I see I.didn*t succéed."
Arthur, couldnit quitekeep pace! with all this. He sat.
beaming and raising his. eyebrows. : 3
"Oh, well," Ralph said.in a final way, "Let's drink up.
We re keeping thèse good people out of their beds. And it's
a working day tomorrow."
: She noticed. Jack gave, him : a little glance. of surprise,
he'd
as 1f what Relph-had said was audacious.
On the way out'when. they were. all saying good. night she
heard Jack say. to Ralph, "See you tomorrow night, then?":
In: : the car as they wére driving home she said; "Are we
see: ing Jack and: Ruth tomorrow, then?"
"No. I'm seeing Jaok in the pub, that's all."
Hé offered no reason and she was too puzzled---frightened-
to ask.


As they were: pulling up outside the house he said,
"Old Jack's got some good ideas. Mixed. up with some bad. ones."
"Like all of us," she said.
SHe said. it a. little touchily, but he didn't reply, seeming
not-to want an argument of "any kind. :
Shernoticed how easily.he walked to the front door after
putting the car ini : She felt a: quiet excitement again---and
pride. she actually stopped and watched him.: i
He came home a little earlier the next evening. Just as 1
pf meeting Jaok in the pub wa's important in some way. e
t : "I got off at four," hé told her, taking off his jacket.
"Not much doing this week."
He needn't have said that. And she didn't answer.
She had a horrified présentiment that Jack wanted to have
it out with him, as they. used to in the old days, when: mén fought
each other with bare fists in their back yards.. But Jack wash't
like that. -
She noticed he didn't put on more ca sual clothes : Suddenly
it seemed to her obvious that Dosh would be there r Thén the
fear was past,as why should she see him in Pyfield-Green when -
there'd been :so many eostatic meetings in. London? *
She 1 watched him leave; and mixed a herself a whisky and soda
afterwards. The whisky hadn'tbgoné down a finger, in the last N
fortnight, she noticed., He: didn't need it'these, days. 't
It was - Friday and he hadn't given her. any money. There
was nothing unusual about : that,as they didnit live byclockwork:
but she attached importance to it this time. - She watohed tele-
vision in. a daze, growing more and more. nervousé. ,
When he came home he looked haggard, yet with.a tiny light
of defiance in his eyé. "Old Sims may pay me off next month,*


he said, sttting down heavily.
Her breath stopped. "What?"
"He may pay me off."
"You mean sack you?"
"Yes." He nodded, his hands together loosely, his elbows
on his knees. Even in that moment she notided what a strange new
elegandé hé had.
"Business slack," hé murmured; looking down. - He seemed to
pléad with her not to ask more: "He's been threatening it for
some time."
i "Is it bertain?"
"We'il 'have to give up the car."
"Yes, I thought of that. : It'll bring. 'us in a couplé of
hundred quid at the least; to tide us over, and we*ll be saving
. on'ega the insurance. It isn't as if we really néed the car.",
"No," she said breathlessly. She switched the TV. off with
a smart movemént. They sat in silénce fora time 6. She was
trembling and cold all the i way through..
"Oh; well," she managed to say, "We il cope S omehow."
"Yes.* He looked up at her for a moment, clearly relievéd
beyond words.
A week passed in that undertain B tate. Then she phoned
sims and Tuke, on an impulse, and asked to speak to Mr Sims
himself. She gavé her name; and she had to: put" more money in
the box because he took so iong to domes


After a few strained civilities she asked, "Is it right
you're sacking my husband?"
"Well; it's not decided yet, Mrs Maynard."
" Why is it?"
"You see, he's been missing so many days." He stopped.
"I don't like to tell you this, Mrs Maynard."
"I knew--in a way," she said pathetically. She tried to
stop hersélf making a sound, but the tears began pouring' down
1 her face ànd she had to sorew upi her eyes: She : was glad to
be in a phone-booth where no one' could sée her.
"You' won't do it, will you?" shè asked, unable to hide
the orying. "Oh, Mr Sims t"
"No, Mrs Maynard, it was thinking of. you that stopped me
doing it before." He paused again in his old-fashioned way.
nr These things pass, you know. I shouldn't let - it-wechange
anything."
"No. As long as we've got a: bit of money."
"I had to give him a warning, you see. Hets been caming
in'ever sinoes We've never had trouble with him. He's been
one of our best employees. If not our, best."
Which means, she thought through her i tears, that he,shows
no spirit,. and now he does show some you want to sack hime.
"You-won*t sack him?". shé askèd again, almost in a whisper.
"As. I say, I had to give him a warning. We can*t have a man
on our books who doesn't do the. Work."
"Not after ten years?"
"I beg your pardon?" :
"He canit help falling in love, can. he?"
"Itm sorry, Mrs Maynard,. all I know is he: doesn't oome into
the office."


n Tell me what you know," she said breathlessly.
"Well, hets been séen outside," he murmured. "You asked
me to tell you, Mrs Maynard. "
" And aftér ten years you can't show him a little understanding?"
"I have to keep a balance sheet, Mrs Maynard. The other
employeés dépénd on it too." -
"Oh, yesy yes;" she said, crying openly. "But don't sadk
him, pleasé."
"I'll tell you' what. ifI let you'know how things go
before I do anything?---how would that be? ! Give me a call in
a week or 80. I'11 tell my secretary to put you straight
through.".
"All right."
"I'm sorry, Mrs Maynard. But an office is an office.".
1 Thank yous Godd bye." She put the receiver down before
she heard him say anything.
When Ralph came in that evening he looked at her. and said,
"You béen crying?"
"I told you'not to worry. It may be all right after all."
He :sold the. car a few days latér, and she began to see the
children on to the school bus évery morning, : which made her feel
fitter because of thé walk, and. it also meant she had. more time.
in the morning. The' children took it hardest of all.. It was
a prestige mattér. : They said the other children laughed at
them for not coming in the car any more.
'nrhatts not true," Janet said.
"Well, it will be if they find out wè haven' 't got one,"
Betsy said. P
Janet laughed. "Well, perhaps we 11 buy an other one


befaré that happens "
They paid'off the new carpet with the money. So there
were no debts hang ing over. - them. Hé seemed to be going to the
office again. She could al ways tell by a certain dimmed look
round his eyes. Dosh had goné away. for a time,at least from
Pyfiéld: Green. Shé was staying in London with her brother-in-
law; Ruth told her.' - When Ralph. saw her she.couldn't tell:
perhaps in the lunchhour. : Perhaps that was the cause of the
tired look round his eyessuathé fact that he wasn't sèeing hér
enough. Sometimés Janet sat gaz: ing before her, in the silence
of. the house : She hardly ever - went to see Ruth now. - She
wanted no ôné. She wondered how far hetd gone W it h Dosh.
But really she had no doubt. She could feel it in his body.
Shé could even.havé given an.a approximate dàte: his touch had
bec omé different.
One evéning he said, "I'm fed up with that office. I've
been loyal enough all this time "
"It's'all wetve got to live on," shè said, thinking of the
children...
He didn't reply to this, only went next door to take his
shoes off. He' hadn't been reading to the children lately.
of course they noticed ity and Janet told thém that hé was
féeling tired thése days bécause a lot of work had come in.
Some times it was on the tip of her tongue te ask him about Dosh---
a simple question. of how shè was, whether she was happy..
Every time he opened his mouth-to speak she was afraid
he was going to'say something terrible: suoh astthat he Wouldn't
be ooming home any more. I Wab that what Jack and Polly and
dis
f Splinter knew and eiapproved of? Had he threatened that?
She watched him alosely but took pains never to sèem to watch


him at all. She was wise enough for that. She couldn't
believe he would ever do it. It wasn't in his face. Once
it was on the tip of her tongue to ask him, do you still belong
to me, Ralph? But she dared'not risk it. It might be the
very thing that sent him flying away.
All this time she was helped by what she'd felt towards
Jaok: it supported her pride, to know that she'd had a love too;
and above all a guilt, to equalise herself with him. She
consulted her own experience. She remembered that while she'd
felt the right to possess Jack she 'd always belonged to Ralph.
Any thought of divorce had been academic.
She went so far as to say to him tên derly, "Can I help in
any way, Ralph---about the job?"
There was a pause during which she couldn't tell
what he was feeling. The recent sunlight had deependd his eyes :
he must have been outdoors a great deal.
He moved towards her in bed no less than he'd always done,
and there was the same unabated thrill for her, so strong that
she didn't dare to take a movement of her own accord, it nearly
throttled her, and it was bitter in some way, mervellously so.
He added with a questioning look, "I suppose you know Jaok's
trying to get me into his office?*
"For same t ime now."
"And it hasn't worked out?"
"Not so far. He's trying again. There's another poss-
ibility."
Jack's image passed across her mind, more illusive and
mysterious than ever.
"He thought I needed a change "


She gazed at him with slight wonder. "He thought?"
"Didn't y'ou think so, too?"
"I méan that's what started him on the idea. It won't
be axactly in his office. No travelling or that kind of thing.
Not at first, anyway."
"I.didn't get that. What made him think you needed other
"He said he thought my mind wasn't being used. He said :
I seemed idle." He - looked at her like a boy. "Do I to you?"
"It's true it isn't the work for you. You know I've always
said it."
She, was proud that Jack thought his mind good.
"Will there be more money?" she asked.
"No, less." He blinked hesitantly, which proved to her
that he at least oared what she thought.. "At first."
"I don't care about that," she said.
"We won't be able to get another car just -yet," he went
on. "Even if I get the job."
"When will you know?"
"By the week-end." He added, "I'll have to go up for an
interview."
tr To Reading. I'll have to stay the night. They pay the
expenses. "
Her body drooped with the foreknowledge--as swift as a
flash---that this would be a whole night with Dosh. She could
feel the expectation in him, throbbing and vibrating inside.
X What a long way they'd travelled, she and. Ralph, 8 ince she 'd
Y taught him his first shy steps at the palais de danse!


"You'd better get a new_suit," she said, barely able to
speak.
"Will you get it in London, or shall we go. to Blithe's
X together on Saturday - -
"Let's.go to. Blithe's. I'm no good'at choosing." He
sigheds "I've had about as much of Sims and Tuke as a mortal:
can take."
Well, her objectives were achieved. But at a price she
could never have foretold.
The' job, came through. - Jack drove, round on the following
Saturday afternoon and told him. Then it transpired he'd made
V a mistake. Onyz the interview had come through. + It was for
the following week-end. All Janet dould think of was the hotel-
room vh ere - he would stay, and of Dosh, how the dawn : would come
through on to her- blonde. hair. She had to use all her strength
not to sabotage his going, which she knew it was in her VW oman's
power to do.'
And she knew that the next saturday night was a test---of
which even Ralph didn't know the outcome d On Sunday morning
he might be as far away from her.as if they'd never mét.
A whole night could do that. Janet was so nervous she couldn't
eat. Shé almost begged him to get in another bottle of whisky:
she said it séemed to' do her good, and. he obliged her. She newer
took more than one glass in the evening, but it rested her nerves
so that she could sit through television without orying.
The silence wa's the worst thing, her having to keep silent:
K but: at the same time it gave her arength.
She became more : nervous as the week went on. He took an
afternoon off and they went to Chatsdome to buy his suit.


She insisted on samething stylish; with narrow trousers.
He looked so. impréssivé that she almost gasped.
She had' to tell him in the C offee room Where she'd sat
alone so often in the past fèw weeks,"How you've been wéaring
those other. clothes all this time, I don*t know."
"It'll blind *em, eh?n. he said with a twinkle.
"Yes, it willi"
She amiled at him, remembering that it. would blind someone
else too. She had dressed him at last--for another woman."
She was so nervous on the Saturday morning that she snapped
at Hetsy and made her orys And she oried as well.
"What, two of you?" Ralph said, trying to be jocular.
He looked-so swish in his suit that she thought it was another
man when hé came downstairs..
He left at midday. And she wished she had a religion for
a moment, so that : she could pray. - She prayed to herself, to
the future; to whatever God might exist: that he would C ome !
back. - Please oomè back to me, she prayed.
She walked homé from the station in the sunshine. The.
Rer
ohildren had stayed behind, by her wish. He had given,a iong,
warm kiss as the drain started to draw out, not at all àwkward
as hetd al ways been at railway stations." They waved each other
out of sight, and she found she was too frightened to cry.
Ruth was waiting for her when she got baok, with Sonya in
her arms, as 1f she thought a friend might be needed. They
made a cup of tea together, and Ruth asked her tocome round
in the evening. She said she would.
"We*l1 havea drink to ogether," Ruth said, though she hardly
éver touched more than lemonade.
"I'm keeping my fingers crossed about that interview.",


"Jack says there's a fifty-fifty ohanoe "
As Ruth was leaving Janet asked her, "Will Dosh be there
tonight?"
And with a little start that showed Janet how much she
knew, Ruth. said, "No, shets still in town. I think she's going
on to Preston."
"Oh. : Baok to her husband?"
"No." Ruth sée emed to say that unwillingly. "Just to clear
things up."
She gave. the children a bath that evening and read to them,
doing everything carefully and slowly. As she was reading to
them she thought of him walking into the hotel, checking in at
the desk, walking up to his room. Was it a double room?
Was she waiting for. him? Or were they to meet later? How
exciting that would be,. a whole night together. Would they take
differènt hotels? Had they decided. to be careful? But there
was no need. Noone was hindéring them. The double bed was
clear in her mind.
She said little at Ruth's. Jack talked. ab out other things,
haue
the: food in the south : of France, whether they shouldyanother child,
as people said three was the best. He gave her three glasses
of port. She felt tired and resigned. He offered to walk hér
home but She said shé'd rather walk alone - And they seemed to
understand. her at once, which again proved they kn ew. . They saw
hér down to the gate and gave her a quiet, affectionate good
night.
When she got back she threw herself on the bed and cried her
eyes out; coughing and making long moaning noises that filled the
house. She didn't even put the lights on. : Her tears soaked
the pillow and the moaning sounds wracked her. body as if it


didn 't belong to her. She was still in hér outdoor olothes.
She whined timidly, hugged the pillow, cried, "No, no!" And all
the time the tears poured down her face so that her skin smarted,
and her mouth was full of the-salt taste. She stayed there like
that until three or four in the morning and then fell asléep,
still moaning curiously, without blankets over her. By that
time-a-she knew dimly, at the back of her mind, even as shé drifted
off into'a childish sléepea-the decision would have béen made:
on which she and Tim dépended for their lives and souls and
happiness.
He ' came back. It' was early Sunday' morning---the very day
after, but it had seemed liké 'ten years. Hetd taken a' taxi
from' the'station, and at first when she saw it drawing-up outside
thè door she thought it was something terrible, perhaps Jack e ome
to bfeak bad néws. Then she saw him, a's fresh 'ànd elegant as'
When he'd left. - Sheta oried too muoh the night before to cry
any more. Shetd woken up at dawn and dressed, to be réady for
thé worst if it dàme. She felt so quiet and calm now that it
was liké floating on the sea," on one of those fine days when the
water shimmers like a lake. -
"How did it go?"
Involuntarily she looked at his suit to sée 1f it: was
crumpled.
"Not too bad. There were plenty of others, though." *
She forçed herself' to tréat the return as normal. : After
: the children. were in bed that evening she switched on telévision
and lit the fire as it was still chilly after dark.
" They said théy'd give me the job just for the suit," he
said in his burlesque way.
"I bet," she said, seeming to give all her thoughts to the


screen.
She noticed a love-bite on his neck, deep and orimson like
the one he'd given Dosh. But her orying had purged: the sorrow
out of her. The pillows had still beèn.wet in the morning,
ênd she'a dried them by the kitchen stove before the children
got up. :
-They were both exhaustéd and slépt as soon as their heads
lauched
wereon
- She wànted to stay awake torsavour the
the-pillowy:
taste of relief at having him next to her again so that shé
could touch him, but she couldn 't. She wanted to ask where
Dosh was; but that too seémed rémoté now. And he seemed to
have passed into çalm again, She couldn't tell. - But' some't thing
in his body, in the way hé : took off his shirt to' go'to bed;
gave her that feeling.
They passed nearly a fortnight of suspense. During that
time they didntt' touch each other. Jack said it' was' usually
decided in a week! And that sidence was, a bad sign. Though.
fic:
they might be having difficulties between one or two-dandidates.
Thére had béen many candidates. It was the first time she: really
understood that.. Her hope sank C ompletely: Itwoula be Sims
I and Tuke for'thé rest of his life. But she had hime. It didn't
matter.
How.she oould éver have looked at Jadk with yêarning 'shet
couldntt undressand now. It'was a joy to be with' Ralph in the
évening, when théy sat togethér, wheh they ate. in: the ikitohen.
Àt first she didn't want to go out anywhere, thèn she suddenty
got it into hèr head to go to: the club. She wanted to célebra te.
'so they went' the following Saturday. Hilda'and Jim weré thère,
and the Simmonses. It wasn*t a very good evening. Connie
and Dick wére supposed to come but didn'tt : Yéti it - was nice to


sit in: thè dosy gloom of their corner, and. then dance with
Ralph. He - séemed a bit lost. It was like gétting to know.
a new person.
Suddenly the job. . came - thorugh. The real thing this time.
Jack phoned him at the office, and they. had a little! celebration
in:t the. evéning at Ruth's. It would mean a lot of hard work,
but then the 1 pay would go up, and there might even be Bome travel,
outside England; but not mos't of the time like Jack's. * None of
this meant anything to - her: she didn't caré at all. : * She.knew
the facts would all come to her' slowly, later on, over the months
and years. - She was celebrating something elsé. All she. wen tèd
to do was toithank God; and.to thank again and again. She-got
a bit tipsy, and did a' sort of twist for them.
That night he: moved towards her again, as if with shere
relief thatlife was straight again. The excitement was 30 great
that shè couldntt believe it was: Ral'ph but a man without'a name
who'd got into her bed by mistake. ' She. abandoned herself com-
plétely to him, but oompletely and utterly. : She'realised it'was
forthe first timé.