Maurice Rowdon
44 Brookwood Road London SW18 5BY U.K.
e-mail:rowdoxy@aol.com
Micheline Steinberg Associates
4th Floor
104 Great Portland Street
London WIW 6PE
Dear Micheline:
We've lost contact over the years and I can't quite remember our last
communication. What actually happened was that I got very deep into health
troubles. Thankfully that's all over now.
I have a shamelessly ribald one-set three-character piece called AND IN
CAME OPHELIA, about an actor whose sell-by date as Hamlet has expired
and who is visited by an unknown actress who brings him fame, or is it
infamy? (57 pages).
The second is a multiple-set piece called I WANT WHATI WANT
(When I want it), which is about a therapist's practice, three males and three
females, in which the therapist is himself trapped by---wanting too much. (69
pages).
My GENES which you sent to the Hampstead Theatre and which
attracted their interest (140 pages, no less!) now has a smacking pace under the
title GENES AND GENTS (67 pages).
With my best wishes


ESKIMO TRANCE
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
max III:
Genre:
Comedy
Theatre Co or
Theatre in the Round Stoke on Trent
Producing Co:
Theatre and Place
where 1st Produced
only:
Date 1st Produced only: 1974
Publishers (1st
publication):
Date 1st Published:
Male Parts:
Three
Female Parts:
Other Parts:
Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph): Three men in flight from no
one, up in the Canadian bush.
Mahler
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
max I!I:
Genre:
Theatre Co or
Producing Co:
Theatre and Place
where 1st Produced
only:
Date 1st Produced only:
Publishers (1st
publication):
Date 1st Published:
Male Parts:
One
Female Parts:
One
Other Parts:
Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph): 2nd performance at Mercury
theatre London directed by author.


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Name:
MAURICE ROWDON
Nationality:
BRITISH
Date of Birth:
yyyy
email:
rowdoxy@aol.com
Web:
In Construction
Agent:
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Biography (one CONTINUOUS paragraph) :
Londoner, educated at Oxford
PLAY DETAILS ARE ON NEXT PAGE DOWN


Boy Sees Red
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
max III:
Genre:
Comedy
Theatre Co or
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where 1st Produced
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publication):
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Female Parts:
Other Parts:
(one CONTINUOUS paragraph): A boy and girl who spoof sex and
clearly cannot practice it but bring family and welfare officer into
turmoil.
Carmagnola
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
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History
Theatre Co or
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Theatre and Place
where 1st Produced
only:
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publication):
Date 1st Published:
Male Parts:
Female Parts:
Other Parts:
Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph): An account of the perilous
life of a mercenary captain in the Middle Ages, on hire to too many
states.


One Summer Evening
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
max I!I:
Genre:
Dark comedy.
Theatre Co or
Producing Co:
Theatre and Place
where 1st Produced
only:
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publication):
Date 1st Published:
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Female Parts:
Other Parts:
Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph): Five people fleeing from
floods find a landowner in his study and, strangely, there are
seats for their exact number.
CARMAGNOLA
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Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph): The most famous
mercenary captain of the middle ages sells his loyalty to too many
states.


I Want What I Want
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
max I!I:
Genre:
Comedy
Theatre Co or
Producing Co:
Theatre and Place
where 1st Produced
only:
Date 1st Produced only:
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publication):
Date 1st Published:
Male Parts:
Female Parts:
Other Parts:
Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph):
A therapist endowed with unusual sympathy for his clients
unearths the truth about them and, not least, himself.
AND IN CAME OPHELIA
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
max III:
Genre:
Comedy
Theatre Co or
Producing Co:
Theatre and Place
where 1st Produced
only:
Date 1st Produced only:
Publishers (1st
publication):
Date 1st Published:
Male Parts:
Two
Female Parts:
One
Other Parts:
Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph): An actor whose sell-by date
as Hamlet has expired is visited by an unknown actress who
brings them fame.


GENES AND GENTRY
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
max III:
Genre:
Comedy
Theatre Co or
Producing Co:
Theatre and Place
where 1st Produced
only:
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publication):
Date 1st Published:
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Female Parts:
Other Parts:
Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph):
A geneticist who suddenly sees his experimental rodents as equal
to, and better than, himself.
Daddy Won't Buy Me a Bow-Wow
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
max I!I:
Genre:
Dark comedy
Theatre Co or
Producing Co:
Theatre and Place
where 1st Produced
only:
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publication):
Date 1st Published:
Male Parts:
Female Parts:
Other Parts:
Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph):
Ex-soldier of WW2 is reminded of his crimes in battle by his one-
time major, causing upheaval in both their families.


Mahler
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
max III:
Genre:
Theatre Co or
Portslade Productions
Producing Co:
Theatre and Place
Arts Theatre London
where 1st Produced
only:
Date 1st Produced only: 1976
Publishers (1st
publication):
Date 1st Published:
Male Parts:
One
Female Parts:
One
Other Parts:
Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph):
): tragic-comedy about the tumultuous relationship between
classical composer Gustav Mahler and his wife.
ONE SUMMER EVENING
Synopsis (one CONTINUOUS paragraph)
Genre:
Theatre Co or
Producing Co:
Theatre and Place
where 1st Produced
only:
Date 1st Produced only:
Publishers (1st
publication):
Date 1st Published:
Male Parts:
Female Parts:
Other Parts:
Notes (one CONTINUOUS paragraph


GENES AND GENTS
A Comedy
2hsdohic
O Maurice Rowdon 2007
Mins
Ilims 35khis
Muinulzs
Lrave?
lhr 60
(o ling


Maurice Rowdon GENES
4 maler
CHARACTERS
femala
Barry Pillinger, geneticist
Male
Pamela Pillinger, his wife
Peggy Cutlass, his mother in law
Arthur Cutlass, his father in law
Martin Fyffe, editor in chief of a Sunday
paper
Dr. Heather Seymour, a psychiatrist
Dan Sutton, a Texan executive
Lance) Reming/sencticst
Hon
assistantl
Nancy, housekeeper
Roucapmppation


FRRY
REUSE
0.5 6 onwards
Maurice Rowdon GENES
party. He sits on the bed,yawnsgrubs his faceai d,
PAMELA comes in withherbiouse-epen,
otherwise-still-dressed-as-inthe-previous-seeprevious-seene.
PAMELA:
Sonya' S are much smaller than mine.
BARRY (drawing her to him) There isn't as nuch in it as you might think (as he
fondles her breasts).
PAMELA (excited) When you did this to her what was the difference?
BARRY:
I felt should I and dare I and that sort of thing, it was likea giddy thrilling
sortie into no man's land, she makes everything seem-forbidden and
pubescent.
PAMELA (kissing him) Whyno man's s land? Who's theenemy?
BARRY:
The enemy's in the air, the darkness. It's dangerous, we're caught in a
placewe shouldn't be,8o we make very little noise. We hardly move.
It's very secret.
PAMÉLA:
So how does this compare (kissing him again)?
BARRY:
This is woods ona hot damp night, I belong among the wild perfumes, I
breathe them in,and you're them, it's what the anteroom to heaven
smells and-touches like.
PAMELA:
They liefull outofthe bed, kissing. She
gently raises him from-her by the
shouldersto looki in his eyes.
PAMELA:
Barry.
Call levh V shuetty? Aap
BARRY:
Yes?
Wuz
PAMELA:
Howisityou aren't/horrified by me having a babyt 5 Itii las
He considers her, gazes at her face, shoulders,
breasts.


Barye
Secil
be hmifidilg uneRAd
Maurice Rowdon GENES
BARRY:
You-mean horrified by you having a baby thatisn'tmine?
Yer
PAMELA
No,byme having a baby withhim.
ZETe
adw Ayy way
BARRY:
He doesn'tl horrify me/It's him who hasthe the horror. First because of me
bringing up his child and then because the child's going to look like me."
So I've got you both by thelcuries,Tor-factail-threcofyorinchuding-th-
baby.
Sheté aud
a wenv I? Vartheynt
- Cestar
She-enjeys-this, takes/pride in him.
BARRY (cont.) I shall teach his baby how to walk and talk. I's-goingto-heeby-jeeby-his
life,I shall work on your baby's genes with love and in return they're Those
nll going-totum-the-baby-inte-me.Yousee-whata-life-time-ofhellhe's
genes
layinginstore-forhimelf mckr HLc clrld
Josk ney yilter mmecs!
PAMELA:
Yes dafling and you're going to orchestrate that/hell for him aren't
you?
They smile at each other as he lets his
head fall on her shoulders.
PAMELA (cont.) Lance really worships you, you know.
BARRY (raising his head) No he doesn't, he's been hooked on you since he first clapped
eyes on you.
PAMELA:
Why shouldn't he worship both of us?
BARRY:
Biology's funny, it works in a world ofits own. That's why
people like Dawkins say we're robots worked blindly by the
genes.
PAMELA:
Mm (closing her eyes with pleasure), thatjs how I feel at the moment.
BARRY:
And Lance's genes are bachelor genes.
PAMELA (breathless) You' 're not a bachelor are you darling? Barry, you know how people
say al baby takes on the face of the man its mother looks at during


Maurice Rowdon GENES
pregnancy? (
BARRY (his tumto.be-breathless)Yese
PAMELA:
Imagine when Martin sees your face and not his bwn at the birth!
BARRY:
Sadist!
auprad
PAMELA:
How can one hate the man one wanteaa child by? But I do.' Ardyndeel!
eugh
Theyjhug and kiss and begin making
love.
Fiver Faur
The Japanese room at the Cutlass residence, early
morning. ARTHUR CUTLASS is with MARTIN
FYFFE, editor in chief fofadailgrenet MARTIN He
is a compact well-dressed man with a decided
strength not wholly unpremeditated. They're in
their office clothes, pacing up and down.
ARTHUR:
Shepley consoles went down a few points, gave me a bit of a scare.
MARTIN:
For god's sake stop prowling around and come to the point, what's
bugging you?
Y I ra hrw
with
ARTHUR:
He's walked out ofhis job at Gower Street and I've fixed him upla
bloody great cage forhisrats in my basement and they've started'to take
over the house.
MARTIN (with a gingerly glance round) Hisrats? whe have ?
ARTHUR:
CesMartharats (drilling it in). Peggy says he talks about gazing into
their eyes and they gaze back and there's an understanding, naturally my
daughter thinks he's stark_raving mad.
MARTIN:
Why the hell doesn't she leave him?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR gives him a flash of hatred which he
doesn't notice.
MARTIN (cont.) Helen always said she had doubts about him.
olacock!)
vo wlle sait Iec ?
ARTHUR:
Did she really Martin? Your-wifeas-wetas-youl What frightens her
about Barry is your accounts ofhimgl hope you didr'ttry and influence
my daughter as-well. After all, you had three months in which to chew
Ulach thefatabout my son in Taw'didn'tyou?> hale
A A
a A #
diairy-?
MARTIN:
What are you talking about?
U apaied
ARTHUR:
There'salittlethingthavetoclearupabouthat-highty-fruitfighty-fruitful-visitto
fyou Pamela's three months gone and three months ago Barry was on a lohe
trip to Italy with-the-Hon-Sunday-Times-era-name-likethat, she's
apparentlyassistant-headatGowerStreet. It raises the question of
tai SKla.
paternity. Unless he sent his sperm home by post there was no way he
could be the father.
MARTIN:
What about it?
down Ita L
ARTHUR:
You didn't introduce her to
nubile
didyr
any
young man didyou? f
MARTIN (with a suavity which ARTHUR watches with detestation) We had the usual
Sussex guests. Of course it's a busy household. As a matter of fact I work
a damn sight harder in the summer than the rest of the year. I was
probably a bit out of touch.
srvng hi up an lad n-)
ARTHURA
I got a call from Dan Sutton and somehow I've got to get this party
organized in a couple of days. I don' t want any press by the way.
MARTIN
You donthavetos say that.
Snltm
ARTHUR:
Yes I do because Dan would like some press.
MARTIN:
Why?
al endalll
Becputr Zt >
ARTHUR:
Hiscompany hasgot wind of Barry's latest project and Dan's s going to
buyl him, get him and my daughter over to Ardmore Pennsylvania.
MARTIN:
Cel
Barry's not even known! He's not a top name at all!
couit
mta
ARTHUR:
It thought that' d rattle you, her going away!
Ihee hk


Maurice Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
What do you mean?
ARTHUR:
I told you, she's pregnant!
MARTIN:
But why tell me?
wep
ARTHUR:
Then it must-have-been one ofyour servants screwed her! What about ttre
that butler you hire for cocktail parties? Or the gardenerNew he'sa
stout looking chap, was he my Lady Chatterley's.joy boy? (With
remarkable savagery) Why don'tyou cross-examine your staff?
NANCY (VO) The coffee's ready Mr. Cutlass!
ARTHUR:
We'll be right down Nancy! (With a gleam and a hiss) She heard the lot!
(Taking hold ofhis arm) You're looking SO green! And I think I know
why! Youteserry to belosing BarryPilinger?
MARTIN (his way of owning up to the truth) I do wish
shut
AiAr
you'd
They go out.
Sxfme
The penthouse bedroom in an early morning
dimness. The curtains are drawn and PAMELA is
still asleep, alone.
BARRY tiptoes in. He is in his lab coat and his
hands are over both ofhis pockets. He stands
watching her.
Seven
BARRY (whispering) Pamela. It's eight o'clock.
She doesn't stir.
BARRY (cont.) Pamela, it's late.
She moves, raises her head, subsides again. He
releases his hands from both pockets and atonce


Maurice Rowdon GENES
aclon
mattresses to theright of the arch, their heads to
the back wall. PEGGY, high-heeled and in a two-
piece with a flounced i.e. not skin-tight skirt has
put Indian covers on one of them and is just now
covering the other. There are several large bright
cushions to one side.
NANCY's voice comes over the intercom.
NANCY (VO) Mum! Mum!
PEGGY (continuing her task, quietly absorbed) Yes, what is it Nancy and don't call me
mum.
NANCY (VO) There's a doctor at the door, she's a woman.
PEGGY:
What does she want?
NANCY (VO) Mr. Cutlass mum!
PEGGY:
My husband's at work. Tell her to call back after nine o'clock
this evening.
Some murmuring over the speakers.
NANCY (VO) She says could she have a word with you mum?
PEGGY:
I'll come down to where you are, where are you?
NANCY (VO) In the room with all the furnitureg kyh Wulmi
PEGGY:
There's no room there SO you'dt better send her up here. Japanese room.
NANCY (VO) You go up them stairs doctor, two floors up and you turn left
and then you'll see it on your right.
PEGGY takes the cushions and places them at the
head of the beds, three on each. She stands back to
study them. Returns to adjust them.


MUST
RNoW
WHY
ANT
How BARRY
WAS
SUDDENKY
CHA NGED,
Yen Ua M>Cerdiaed lwlud
Snetfy z hi eyen
MMs k he Imyant
and lajy
adet alue iU,
MAKE
M lo RE of 7H415


Gene
Adu
lirt
Itu
Itu nco *
T aol
horadyan
ttoe
luus
euery
Itue
C3T
Iey
sferin
kuma
alurte
mepoe
Aa tabona -
Daus HasSer A
Gve le ue Jwd Resr Bryg!


udii accefil tte hernsein Cr
enluel, ?
Bays Re VA Zue V dose a cceph
lesn Ull Now
wi ay
play sro 6gy leren
LOA
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af ne wy - -
jigfip Ae auluul iscludy the huwas
auae aud Iteel Rot Hhor .
Ra Jhe eltin Hy (eenr He)
heilel
cenhauced
ard Iue
huuar's uoncher
bol nf Itei
helilu LL uryy
ajie
oue oh enth
he', kusched hir
Slbe )1 fh flt A liler- ad he,
ue ur an
aler uiade ca uieme C pelle,
lha ceurl!
Dars OK. Bre aupheae


Maurice Rowdon GENES
DR. HEATHER SEYMOUR appears at the arch,
also in high heels. Most people would size her up
as a young corporate manager except that she
dresses in a manner that stretches the corporate to
the candidly ifnorftagrantty erotic.
SEYMOUR:
Heather Seymour (offering her hand without avail).
PEGGY:
Come in.
clinic
SEYMOUR
I'm from the Malmsey hospital.
Clinie 7
PEGGY:
Hespital?
SEYMOUR:
Psychiatric. Sir Gerald Sommerson got in touch with me. He'sa
colleague ofyour husband's] I believe.
PEGGY (busy with the mattresses) My husband's his boss. And there was me thinking you
were pest control! How do you do?
She now shakes hands.
SEYMOUR (getting over the offence with schooled sangfroid) Sir Gerald told me you
had a problem.
PEGGY:
Just one? (Stepping back from the mattresses) How do
nr 7
you like it?
SEYMOUR (with the coolness due to what is none of her business) Very nice.
PEGGY:
Japanese style. Would you like to try this one?
SEYMOUR:
What, lie down?
PEGGY:
To christen it SO to speak. I'll try the other one.
SEYMOUR:
Shall I take my shoes off?
PEGGY:
Well I suppose it would be appropriate (taking off her own).


Maurice Rowdon GENES
As she does sO she utters a horrified gasp.
Something flashed across the archway (a squeak
was certainly heard).
SEYMOUR (not quite down yet, and every inch the observer) Can I help?
PEGGY:
We'd better not do it.
SEYMOUR:
Not do what?
PEGGY:
Sit on the floor. And on with your shoes again, quick!
SEYMOUR (encouraging) Ifyou wish!
PEGGY (dashing off, left) Let me get a couple of chairs.
In her absence SEYMOUR gets up and begins
eyeing the room clinically. She gingerly lifts the
the plinth-top. An inward taking of notes is
obviously going on.
PEGGY returns with two upright kitchen chairs.
PEGGY (setting them down centre) There you are. Better safe than sorry.
SEYMOUR:
Thank you (as she sits). Do you feel a little better?
PEGGY:
I'll feel better when he's out of the house, not before.
SEYMOUR (staring at her as PEGGY lifts up her skirt preparatory to sitting down) You
are Mrs. Cutlass?
PEGGY, having folded her pleated skirt under and
around round her crotch with great care, sits.
PEGGY:
Peggy Cutlass.
SEYMOUR (fascinated) How long has this been going on?
PEGGY:
I saw one on my dressing table only an hour ago.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR:
One what Mrs. Cutlass?
PEGGY:
A rat.
SEYMOUR:
Of course. And how many rats have you seen altogether?
PEGGY:
They're mounting up.
SEYMOUR:
And are you taking anything?
PEGGY:
What kind of anything?
SEYMOUR
Sedatives, antidepressants.
PEGGY:
Ib haven't got to that yet.
SEYMOUR:
And where do these rats come from Mrs. Cutlass?
PEGGY:
Well he's down there letting them out isn' 't he?
SEYMOUR:
I'm sure he is. Who's 'he'?
PEGGY:
My son-in-law. Geneticist. Brought home all his rats.
A pause for appraisal from SEYMOUR.
SEYMOUR:
I see. Where from?
PEGGY:
Gower Street. That's where his lab is.
SEYMOUR:
And what's his name Mrs. Cutlass?
PEGGY:
Barry Pillinger. An unfortunate name but then I didn't give it to him did
SEYMOUR:
No you certainly didn't. And where does this geneticist live?
PEGGY:
Upstairs in the penthouse.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR:
Ah. So he's always over your head SO to speak?
PEGGY:
When his rats aren't under my feet, yes.
SEYMOUR:
But the rats must come from somewhere surely? Or do they seem to
come from nowhere?
PEGGY:
They come from his cages of course! My husband built them for
him. Cost an entire torso. Not that he's in the least grateful. But
my husband thinks he's the golden boy of the century. Nothing to be
done about that.
SEYMOUR:
And what colour are the rats Mrs. Cutlass?
PEGGY:
White. Sometimes they have spots. Black or brown spots. I've never seen
a streaky one but I'm told they exist. You see, you've got to keep your
eye on that arch. You've pointed yourself the wrong way.
SEYMOUR (without moving) So that's s where they always come from is it?
PEGGY:
IfI were you I'd shift your chair a bit.
SEYMOUR
Ofc course.
She shifts the chair a little SO that she can
now take the arch in.
PEGGY:
Obviously he's trying to get rid of me.
SEYMOUR:
Your husband or your son-in-law?
PEGGY:
The latter more than the former but I sometimes wonder if
there's much in it.
SEYMOUR (control factor entering) I'm under the impression that you wanted to
get rid of him, I mean your son in law. Am I right?
PEGGY:
Well it's a struggle ofwits isn't it?
SEYMOUR (disciplinary) But your daughter Mrs. Cutlass! What does she have to say about


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
this? I met her downstairs I think.
PEGGY:
My daughter? You are confused!
SEYMOUR:
I'm sure I am. But I heard her call you mum!
PEGGY:
That' S (listening intently)!
SEYMOUR:
We were talking about your daughter Mrs Cutlass.
PEGGY:
Sssh!
A decided squeak. SEYMOUR follows PEGGY's
eyes on the archway. Another squeak and this time
there is a brown-spots-on-white creature with a
very long tail that flies or slides along the corridor
beyond the arch with such speed that it is
impossible for us to gain more than a perhaps
mistaken impression. In a flash up go PEGGY's
legs SO that her high-heeled feet are on the edge of
her chair. SEYMOUR, alarmed, quickly follows
suit (she manages not to scream but only by the
skin ofher teeth).
PEGGY:
You'd better hitch your skirt up too. (Showing her) One tried to run up
Nancy this morning.
Frantically, with silly fumbling fingers,
SEYMOUR heaves at her skirt to bring the back
round to cover her crotch and the sides tight round
to complete the bandaged up effect.
PEGGY (to SEYMOUR's horror not raising her voice at all) Pamela! Pamela!
SEYMOUR glances round to see whom she is
calling.
NANCY (VO) Did you call mum?
This voice from the blue almost shocks


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR'S chair over.
PEGGY:
Where's my daughter?
NANCY (VO) She's upstairs in her flat with Mr. Barry mum.
PEGGY:
Pamela are you on? Pamela? You'd better phone her Nancy, tell her he's
loosed another lot! (To SEYMOUR) He carries them round in his
pockets. You' tve-gotte put him away!
SEYMOUR:
Away where?
supl hurt
PEGGY:
Thel Malmsey! Wherever you put 'em!
SEYMOUR (teeth chattering) The Malm ?
PEGGY (rejecting her pugnaciously) Phooey! And get your shoes off (flinging her own
shoes to the floor), you can't run in those!
SEYMOUR flings her shoes off. She suddenly
utters the scream that should have happened
before. She is pointing desperately at one of the
mattresses. Something humped is moving under it.
PEGGY (cont.) Nancy! Phone Mr. Barry and tell him a rat's frightening a doctor out of
her wits!
NANCY (VO) All right mum!
SEYMOUR:
Don't bring that man down here! Not with rats in his pockets!
sardly
PEGGY (quickly, as if getting ready to run, with çontinual glances at the mattress) NoW soit
listen to me. We're having a big party in a few days and officially I can't
invite you. After all we can' Whave a Malmsey-shrink wandering round
the place, I mean it only takés yeu to walk in a room and people start
feeling they're space cases, I certainly do. (Poised to run but deciding not
quite yet)I don'ti mind how you do it, strait jacket, giggle suit, beefy
skinhead male nurses, anything, Ijust want that bugger certified. On the
other hand I don't want him taken out in chains right in front of the
American ambassador but you won't be at the party SO that's that, a pity


Maurice Rowdon GENES
but (jumping up as another rat dashes across)!
SEYMOUR:
Don't leave me!
PEGGY races through the arch.
PEGGY (cont., off) Hang on to your skirt!
It is doubtful if SEYMOUR could move even if
she wanted to. She has eyes for only one thing, the
mattress. The long pauses in the rat's movements
make it worse, as do its occasional little jumps
that raise the mattress momentarily. They trigger
similar jumps in SEYMOUR.
BARRY appears in his lab coat, down left. He
stands watching her. He has his hands on his
pockets.
BARRY:
Are you the deetor? prychnlint
This incursion nearly tips her off the chair again.
SEYMOUR:
I'm t-t-terrified of rats, a ch-ch-childhood thing.
BARRY:
I'm Barry Pillinger.
SEYMOUR:
The ge-ge-ge-gene-
BARRY:
Yes. Look, it's no use having your legs up like that. Ifa rat wants to
climb up your legs it will. And it's more inclined to ifyou don't want it
to. Anyway, how do you do?
He comes forward with his hand extended and of
course the moment he takes his hand off his
pockets the coat starts flapping wildly on both
sides. SEYMOUR makes a leap backward that
sends her offt the chair, which rolls over. She
begins screaming in a prolonged manner, the more
as he now comes forward with both hands


BARRY
AWARENIN
lE hplundal the lal- One day,
One 2 the pregnant vals
Iroked
t hii eyes
ont
Ae Very Jale
Iweel and
lesg reprne laes i
expesu Mn Pres Feddinand
eyn how
ad Jin al
tLe
hs met
hearel
Lance, - Ite
lal
duecle avhiy du
uune expuhualel I
Li iuel,
onid
t god', sehe e
cL Y 1L avliy I 4
ay ray
larecious
Her anuual
ase Jan v
duml aulomelic ash-luinkiy THINGS
Aai the Lell di Iere Ce Iac


Tenlai
lypeeg, Leg ber aliivre bear Ley ( te - L
kulhae
vacepelenl Cmel So-called
Aic
cle
heuas, Hhnhy
theve 6
to a C Jand ) luor E
ufp uy rapuriae vate
c Appuaad
A dhnstsahe Ice pue
ii Jhue thue Sricice i -
hob Uive
Itre
uouey / ye -
kuie Gol
Ac cany k final Hlue ceulmal CL
fru devien,
cund
ng C ttue uoluil did I Relise
the pei supst -eiy -
Mny - AAL dedly
cruel penn lwan, and how hacy
u luhelle
emel day Y uile / ld
Sine k Acon X aumali, kho tillsord
Helr lale 2 Son ly
lo &V
ard
temgy L - esv
tetrel dcatt
khoe Mi Vey ky ttal - ttre sem Ce -
madicel ricice 3% hill repeint ulre
Camel nlc Eicl yev.o aiol Itae diwr
wen due Is goup 5 nokl.rud ridlaf


Maurice Rowdon GENES
outstretched to help her.
BARRY (cont.) Oh I'm sorry.
He quickly puts his hands over his pockets. All is
quiet, even the rat under the mattress.
BARRY (cont.) You see, it's nothing.
But she's staring at the archway. She points. A rat
flashed by or was it just a squeak? BARRY at
once lets his pockets go and rushes to the arch-
BARRY (cont., his coat flapping away) That was Mrs. Ferdinand! She's pregnant,
enormouslyf (Returning and putting his hands back over his pockets)
You'd better sit down again.
He picks up the fallen chair with one
hand and of course this sets one of the
pockets jumping. With the chair upright
once more he almost pushes SEYMOUR
onto it, then quickly puts his hand back
to the flying pocket.
BARRY (cont.) Been sensitive like this for long?
She nods mutely.
BARRY (cont.) Before the childhood horror of rats I mean?
Again she nods.
BARRY (cont.) You were born with horror. Ofeverything. That right?
Yet again her child-like nod.
BARRY (cont.) Il heard what Mrs. Cutlass had to say about me. So you're trying to get me
put away are you?
SEYMOUR (with the shivers, watching his pockets) I wouldn't say that.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
BARRY:
What do you mean, you wouldn't say it? I heard everything
she said!
SEYMOUR (her words jumping) It was Mr. C-C-Cutlass who got in touch with me. I was
given only a v-v-v-vague idea of what I'm to do.
BARRY:
Well let me tell you absolutely straight- (shouting) and look me in the
eyes!
She obeys tremulously.
BARRY (cont., bending down to her eye level) You see, I'm deep in a new project and I
don't have time to be put away. My project concerns a certain mutation in ilal
the human brain. Now this mutation is pure and simple dementia,
humans are the first and hopefully last congenitally erazyanimal.
i ad
Excuse me doctor? Do you know what picture you are presenting to me
at this moment?
SEYMOUR (words jumping like rats) N-n-no I don't.
BARRY:
The eyes in shock, digital trembling, raised shoulders, mouth open! And
on what grounds are you suddenly mad? On the grounds ofa fantasy
about creatures with legs and feet and brains and spinally hung systems
of nerves exactly like yourseiftry yur (xepu Acthey bey
the laws 2 the helitae
he.stareSathimwithRab
He looks at the four shoes on the floor with sudden
interest. fiestops.
BARRY (cont.) Look! Shoes! Let me guess whose are Peggy's and whose are yours.
He runs to them and without disturbing his
pockets kneels to smell them. He then picks one
up by the teeth. He buries his nose deep in it.
Meanwhile the rats are quiet, and SO is the one
under the mattress. She stares at him.
BARRY (cont.) Ah! (Gazing at her, then talking through the shoe in his teeth) So
that's it! (Smelling again) My god! (Letting the shoe fall from


Maurice Rowdon GENES
his teeth) Peggy's could never be that sensual! (Gazing up at her
with awe).
nsw mote hu te ka A tb
Shei iyferrificd.bfimminent rat activity as-he-rises
again.
BARRY (cont.) You see how quiet they are? They can feel my pleasure. Come my dear,
let me take you upstairs, away from these terrors. My wife has just gone
to work, the bed is still warm. Lower your legs, take your hands from
your skirt, stand up. (Shouts) Go on, stand up. (Gasping as she does so)
What an extraordinary creature! Stand exactly where you are. I shall lift
you up the stairs, to peace! I'll never let you be afraid again! Will I?
SEYMOUR:
He goes towards her (still the pockets don'tmove
though his hands are free). He puts his arms round
her and lifts her by clasping the chaps ofher
behind. He turns round to carry her through the
arch backwards. In this way we see, as she clings
to him, that her eyes are squeezed tight shut. They
disappear through the arch.
Eight
This is the night of the party and we are still in the
Japanese room. The two mattresses are there, only
piledhigh/with sumptuous cushions against the
back wall. The only new item is a table with an
antique lace cover in the corner upstage left.
Above it, on the wall, is an elegantly printed notice painls
in burgundy red, PLEASE TAKE A GLASS. But
the table is empty. MaBarkchauvinism music
continues.
NANCY comes in actor's right bearing a tray of
champagne flutes already filled. She has been


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
dressed for this occasion in Victorian starch and
black worsted but it takes nothing from her
flaming fat red cheeks and immense voice. She
crosses and puts the tray down on the corner table.
NANCY (gasping for breath) Why the hell she can't put a lift in I shall
never know! (Depositing the tray) Cussedness I suppose!
She is about to leave by the archway when
PAMELA appears, right, in outdoor clothes, with
a briefcase.
PAMELA:
Is that fizz?
NANCY:
Id don'tk know what it is my dear, all I know is it goes up your nose.
PAMELA takes a glass and samples it.
Hurs
PAMELA:
I'm used to it: They dabbed a fingertip ofit on your tongue when you
were three. (Looking at the drink with distaste) Its deadly. Are we on
relay?
NANCY:
Not tonight. Mr. Barry took it off for your mother. She said they made an
agreement he wouldn't let the rats out on a party night.
PAMELA:
He says he never lets them out, they just get loose.
Hhechecky
NANCY (miming the words with a
conspiratorial
Engkrr!
huge
grimace) I've seen him do it
PEGGY appears from the archway, dressed in a
hail of sequins balanced on winkle" pickers, yet
with measure.
PEGGY:
Nancy this room's for family only, don't forget. And special guests like
Mr. Sutton. You'll see a Private notice over the corridor.
PAMELA:
Won't that be a bit of a put-off, right over the stairs like that?
PEGGY:
We#I can't have all and sundry in here can I darling? Well, this
is the most unwilling party I've ever given, I do hope Barry's getting


Maurice Rowdon GENES
ready. What you do Nancy is to steer everyone towards the Buffet room.
NANCY:
Is that the sandwiches room?
PEGGY:
Yes.
PAMELA:
Ifthis room is for family only why is that notice there (indicating the one
above the drinks table)?
PEGGY:
As a matter of fact it should have gone into the Buffet room.
NANCY:
You can't take it down now mum. You told the workmen to screw it in
good and hard. You'll have half the wall down if you try and. pull that
off-d own.
5 ue
She leaves.
PEGGY:
Oh dear (kissing PAMELA) I'm SO nervous, hopeifsgoingto-beall
right- Xou're always SO placid (calling out) Nancy you'd better go down
to the front door, they'll be coming in droves as usual. And please don't
call me mum tonight, we've got Americans coming and they don't
believe in servants.
here cr u 2 4 sudde
NANCY (coming back) It's because my mum was in service, she always said
mum, really she said 'mmm',1 like 'yes'm'o
PEGGY:
Yes we know Nancy.
NANCY-
It's not really saying you're my mum, it's mmm. I think I can hear
somebody mum! (Going, with a quite tremendous bellow) I'm coming!
érgtta, idee
PAMELA:
This champagne doesn'tt taste Atatt like Dom Perignon!
PEGGY:
What you're drinking's a poison called Blanc de Champagne, he Y us tella
says it's the same as champagne only a fraction of the price.
ARTHUR (off, calling from above) Peggy! My dinner jacket's gone!
PEGGY (going to the archway) Nancy! Where's Mr. Cutlass's jacket?


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
NANCY (off, below) It's in the kitchen airing mum!
dowrtel
ARTHUR (off, as he comes down) Airing my foot, it's/getting all the kitchen smells!
He puts his nose round the arch in his shirt sleeves.
ARTHUR (cont.) The American ambassador's definitely on.
PEGGY:
What? Well that settles it! (Looking at her sequins) I can't wear this! (On
her way out) Nancy! Bring Mr. Cutlass' S jacket up please! Where are
you?
NANCY (off) The first floor coming up! Mr. Fyffe's here mum! Bloody stairs.
PEGGY (to PAMELA) What are you wearing tonight?
PAMELA:
I usually leave it to Barry.
PEGGY:
I'm the same with Arthur, then I go for the opposite. (A whisper into
ARTHUR's ear) Tell Martin I'm dressing.
She leaves.
ARTHUR (calling from the archway) We're up here Martin! (To PAMELA) How
do you like the bubbly?
PAMELA:
A bit funny.
ARTHUR:
It'll grow. Well all this is for your husband, I hope it feels good.
PAMELA:
We'll have to see.
ARTHUR:
Exactly. (As MARTIN comes in) Ah Martin!
MARTIN is in elegant yet casual evening attire.
ARTHUR:
Is this right about the ambassador coming?
MARTIN:
It's what I heard. Dan Sutton's on his way, hoo.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PAMELA:
Hullo Martin. I'm in a rush.
ARTHUR (also going) See you in a jiffy.
PAMELA and ARTHUR hurry off.
MARTIN helps himselfto a drink but
after the first sip he holds the glass up
and gazes at it with suspicion. He goes to
the archway.
MARTIN:
Nancy! Where are you? Nancy!
NANCY (off) Third floor up and coming down!
He waits for her at the archway, glass in hand. She
comes puffing along.
tre hel
MARTIN (holding up the glass) Where did this come from? It's white wine with bubbles!
NANCY:
I spat it out myself.
MARTIN:
Listen, he's got some vintage Dom Perignon down there, let's brave the
rats and find it. Meanwhile take this crap away.
1ss
She takes the tray and as she passes he puts his
glass on it.
NANCY (as they go out,she-with-the-tray) As long as he don't come down on me
afterwards.
LANCE KENNING-strollsin, actor's right.He
1ooks-across at the notice PLEASE TAKE A
GLASS. He strolls over and gazesat thetable's
emptysurface.
DR. HEATHER SEYMOUR comes in, also from
the right. She is dressed in muted evening shades.
SEYMOUR:
Hullo.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
He turns, hands in pockets, and studies her with
his alert, interested gaze.
M ARTIN: -
LANCE
Hullo. I'd invite you to a drink ifthere was any/On well, this-is the
Cutlass residence.
SEYMOUR:
You mean they're eccentric.
Ment
LANCE:
All except Barry, yes.
SEYMOUR:
That's news!
LANCE: Mati
Yorknow-him? I u an Iryup le be dmnuny)
SEYMOUR:
Ive-methim-enee-or-twice.(Crisply)And-hiTats.
Muhis
LANCE:
Afraid of rats?
SEYMOUR:
Yes, aren'tyou?
Mata
Ihna -
LANCE:
No, I work with them. Not-aetually-with-rats-bute-mice-se-te-speakr
Hh hel
SEYMOUR:
Ohare youjing genetics too?
Maé
a kewspyu
LANCE (as they shake hands) banee-Kenning. I run the Gower Strèet lab. You've gone
pale under your makeup,just from talking about rats. But you're
perfectly safe with me, all I do is whistle and they hurtle back to
their cages.
SEYMOUR:
Are, AU those speakers on?
Mte
LANCE:
No no. They switch off for parties.
SEYMOUR:
What I can't understand is why they have to be all over the house.
M chti
LANCE:
The speakers or rats?
SEYMOUR:
Rats.
Maa
LANCE:
Oh that's perfectly normal with Barry.


CUTLASS
ARTHUR
- uH
Mauricel Rowdon GENES
turien
chauptu
SEYMOUR:
Isn't that leaning rather heavily on the word normal?
HAR * + ENH
FE comes in with a new tray of
champagne.
NARRTAURE
hs we -
MARTIN(as-he-takes-the-traytothe-table HutfLance.
C a
- Nwal,
ayta hotat hak S stathst eatlg
LANCE:
Goodevening.
e h lef eafy al,
MARTIN-(geingto-SEYMOUR-once-his-hands-arefree)Idon"tbelieve-
SEYMOUR:
De.Seymour.
otk a mni le In SEYMOJR : Like us /
MARTIN (estheysheke-hands) I'm-Martin-Fyffe. You're from the Malmsey, aren'tyou?
Peggy was telling me. What about some Dom Perignon?
SEYMOUR:
Thank you.
LANCE:
Heusuattyservesthatotherstft
aushle
MARTIN (as they all take glasses) Not with me around. (Withs smile for SEYMOUR)
My taste buds are snobs! (As they sip) What do yofsay? M1 verckil
#R 1 FHT
LANCE:
Excetlent. Could be colder.
ARTHR
MARTIN:
Cellar temperature, whal hene doy- ec C
MARTIN:
LANEL
London cellars are about five degrees higher than country ones.
ARTHR
brottry) ac,
MARTIN:
There-speaks-the: stientist. Still,i's-betterthan-thatother.-poisoned-
chatice.
LANCE:
Oh-eertainty. (To SEYMOUR) You must be the psychiatrist who's going
tojoin Barry's project.
SEYMOUR:
What project's that?
LANCE:
He says you're going to observe his rat community.


(enbldeeds lte coiue)
Maurice Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR
SEYMOUR/with-aglanse-atMARTIN)-Oh It's good he didn't tell me, I might have told
him where to get off
ARTHUR:
MARTIN:
You have a grievance against Barry?
Jurv do l
SEYMOUR:
Not at all. Ihappen net to be joining any projects ofhis, that's all.
MARTN:
LANCE:
Are you sure you aren't a little attracted?
ART HUC
MARTIN:
Women do fall for him like skittles.
No V
SEYMOUR:
skittle
ancita, tele
Well this
hasnt.
ARTILR:
MART T
LANCE:
YortresmitentTe#
MARTIN (paternally taking her arm) Doritakesmprnoticoaite nee. Haven'tI [read
somewhere that you're an ardent follower ofl R.D.Laing?
SEYMOUR:
I've studied him, yes.
LANCE:
Didn'tLaing say ifyou're beaten by madness join it?
SEYMOUR:
No he didn't. But he easily could have.
LANCE:
Ifyou find a madman you become one.
SEYMOUR (with a smile) Your words, noty mine. But madness does intrigue me. Despite
its manifold disguises.
MARTIN:
So we'l all touched arewe? ly haduen
SEYMOUR:
Not if the disguises are sound enough.
MARTIN:
You mean all we have to do is hide it effectively?
SEYMOUR (putting down her glass) I'd better circulate.
seusteadii
L 1
They watch hergo out through the arch.
MARTIN (sh skihi, heud)
LANCE:
Idon'tk know how Barry does it.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
Has he done it?
Lurk
LANCE:
ihe
Can't you see? gre's
Jllen todi
trm
lte 3
k. ert
PAMELA pops in, actor's left, in a dressing gown.
PAMELA:
The street' s already blocked with stretch cars.
MARTIN (kissing her) Let me get you a drink.
PEGGY comes in through the arch in a black and
white robe hot in decolletée. We hear growing
sounds outside as the guests arrive.
PEGGY:
Pamela, you surely aren't still waiting for your shower?
PAMELA:
I'vej just had it.
welly
PEGGY:
Suppose a guest comes in! Where-is-your-father
PAMELA:
HuttoLance!
LANCE(astheykiss)Pamelal
ARTHVR:
Dep. ilabey u
Pessal
uly,
MARTIN:
Peggy, you look incredible (as they embrace).
LANCE(PEGGY)Ihepe-youreemember.me- Lance Kenning.
PEGGY:
Ofc coursc-Ido.you'rel Barry's partner (as they exchange-arcontinental
LANCE:
As-was.
PEGGY:
But still great friends?
LANCE:
Oh-we're-very close!
MARTIN:
Peggy, Anave a glass of Arthur's cheap fizz.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
Thank you. (me li hL pit fu Lioutufel uul)
LANCE-fraisinghisglass)-Totwo-lovely-wemen
Theyall drink. PEGGY all but spits hers out.
unh
PEGGY: Yow're-quite-right.Ir's foul (putting the glass back)..
nota
detyrhenet
lovely-woman-at-alt-idon'tcomeuptomydaughter'slevet. rifup the
reel chaihene dasls (
They-all-make-deprecatingnoises. SEYMOUR s-ctusni
eomesi irragain and goes towards the drinks table
with her empty glass. PEGGY stares at her with
astonishment.
PEGGY (to SEYMOUR) This is unexpected. You weren'tinvited.
SEYMOUR:
Your son in law invited me.
1 A
PEGGY (icily) Oh well, since the party's in his honour.
MARTIN slips out discreetly. The sound of guests
outside begins to grow.
NANCY (off) There's people don'tknow where to go mum!
Take Hhe Tay therr!
PEGGY
to the
I told
the Buffet
senduncbes
(going
arch)
you,
room! INAN NCYEl
PEG 6Y: Yen!
She-almost.bumps.into.NANCYwho-is-on.her
way-in.
NANCY:
There'sno-drink-inttheret SEYMOVR swaynu acsi
PEGGY(leaving)Thentakeitfrom-heret
NANCY seizes the champagne tray just as
SEYMOUR reaches for a new drink.
NANCY (off, as she runs) Mr. Fyffe! Mr. Fyffe! More champagne for the Japanese room
please!!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
MARTIN comes running in through the arch.
MARTIN (seeing the empty table) Good god!
ie vushe
sai
Hedashesoutagnin. SEYMOUR watches all this
with-a-slightly tiddly fact-finding interest. PAMELA
SÉ YMOUR!
losh,
9 d rened hew.
LANCE:
Whyare their parties always shambles? Ihe itein?
PAMELA:
Peggy asks everybody, hairdressers, cab drivers. (To
SEYMOUR) I must say you seem very collected for a newcomer.
Soeu cey
LANCE:
Not with rats sheisit Je.
SE YMo V e
PAMELA:
Why, have you seen-any?
SÉAMEA:
LANCE:
She-knows-Barry.
SEYMOJR.
thes
Jhe
PAMELA:
Hak
Oht 1 loverat,
lck
tails,
Ye sppwed t cle
A commotion on the stairs outside.
NANCY (off, announcing) The HorourableSunday-Timest Comingup.now-mum!
You-said-ne-journalists!
LANCE:
Sounds like Sonya!
PEGGY bursts in.
PEGGY:
Where is she? I said no newspapers!
The HONOURABLE SONYA TYMES strolls in
and waves to LANCE and PAMELA.
PEGGY (cont., to SONYA) Are you the Sunday Times? If so get out!
SEYMOUR:
Excuse me (hurrying out through the arch).
PAMELA:
Mummy! It's Sonya. Barry was at Oxford with her.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
It doesn't matter with journalists, they have no loyalties, the
Sunday Times called my husband a stuffed suit.
LANCE:
Let me present you Peggy. This is the Honourable Sonya Tymes, my
assistant director at Gower Street!
PEGGY:
Then you're not on the papers?
SONYA:
PEGGY:
I don't mind people like Martin who run the papers but not reporters.
Anyway what a relief! How are you my dear and what's the honourable,
is that House of Commons or a title?
LANCE:
Title. House of Commons is 'right' honourable.
PEGGY:
In that case let me get you a drink, you won't like it but my husband
favours the small champagnes as he says. (Putting a hand on SONYA's
arm) Do forgive me won'tyou, parties always unnerve me!
SONYA-pats-herhand-reassuringly.PE66Ystops-
atthe-empty-table;
ees lae euply tuu)
PEGGY dazuer C
PEGGY (eont.) Oh dear!
LANCE:
That's what I thought.
Cmsni i l lte cnis)
PEGGY/
Let's/all go to the Buffet room.quiek-marcht plese!
Shg gathers them all andthey go oytby thearch,
LANÇE taking both PAMELA A and SONYAbY
thearm.
NANCY (off) Mr. Dan Sutton coming up mum!
MARTIN FYFFE hurries in with a full tray.
NANCY puts her head round the corner.
NANCY:
Where shall I send him?


skjunctws lilo?
NANCY: Tue Amecio deille Lew
Maurice Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
In here!
NANCY:
Come in here Mister!
DAN, a large sandy comfortable well-
travelled Texan, comes in. It would take a lot to
faze him, much less erode his charm.
DAN (to NANCY) Thank you. What's your name?
NANCY:
Nancy.
DAN:
Could you mix me a whisky and soda Nancy?
NANCY:
I certainly could!
DAN:
Thank you.
NANCY (going) I don't blame you either, uhe uitt itil saupagne
She is gone.
au '
DAN:
Where did they pick her up? Not tsdirus usual Philippine! (As they clap
arms round each other) Well How are you Martin?
MARTIN:
It. certainly does me good to see you, Dan!
DAN:
How's life down at Chumley Keep?
MARTIN:
You're invited for next weekend one ifyou're about.
DAN:
I guess not but you never know. I count a week-end at the old Keep
paradise. Where's the boss?
MARTIN:
He'll be down, he was late from the office. This was all SO very
sudden Dan.
myhtnow
DAN:
I know. I thought ifl don't move,on this project rightnow it'll die. You
know how-lan-hunch motivatedfand somebody else is going to grab
him ifl don't! / 6


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
Grab who?
DAN:
Genalicin!
Why, Pillinger ofcourse!
Bamy Pilnjs.
MARTIN
BarryPittinger?
DAN:
You look out ofit.
MARTIN.
Pm-surprised.
DAN:
Reading your mind I'd say you think he isn'ta big-enough name.
MARTIN:
That certainly.
MM Rilmir
DAN:
Well I'm going to set you right about-that. There are more people talking
about Jim; 1 mean in my field, than there are people not talking about i
him!
That's a big change from six months ago wouldn/t you say?
Le uu
lel
MARTIN:
I supposei
Ifyou-say-so.
panod)
hcke
DAN:
I mean six months ago he was Arthur's son-in-law kuh? Thatwasit. Not
any more.' (Looking about him) Are there chairs around here?
MARTIN:
She's not into chairs at the moment.
DAN (as the noise increases outside) How many people here for christsakes? I had to fight
my wayj jn. My-fectarekiing-me. (Looking at the mattresses) We're
supposed to lie down?
MARTIN (with a shrug) Well it't the Japanese room.
heed
DAN:
Lying down's ancient Rome, not TokyolYoul have to get your history
straight Martin.
NANCY rushes in with the whisky.
NANCY:
There you are Mister.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
DAN:
You're the sweetest thing!
NANCY:
Now then!
She rushes out again and he winks at MARTIN.
DAN:
Well, here goes (they touch glasses and drink).
DAN makes a satisfied gasp and approaches one
of the mattresses.
DAN (cont., lowering himself to one of them and lying back) Hey, it's good! That Peggy
Cutlass knows something. Come and join me, hack.
Rinseg
He drinks contentedly as MARTIN sits on the
other mattress.
DAN (cont., nodding at the intercom plinth) That don't look Japanese.
MARTIN:
It's for loudspeakers.
DAN:
Loudspeakers?
MARTIN:
They have speakers in every room. You just talk and your voice goes all
over the house.
DAN:
She likes other people's privacy huh?
They enjoy this.
MARTIN (pointing to the ceiling) Mikes everywhere.
DAN:
We're on air right this minute?
MARTIN:
No, they switch off for parties.
MARTIN too lowers himself and they lie there
placid against the cushions.
DAN:
You know what started the noise about Barry Pillinger? A paper


Maurice Rowdon GENES
Give
he wrote called How Can Genes Which Provide Us With Our
Goals Give Us the Goal to Modify Our Genes? Some title huh?
It set everybody alight.
MARTIN:
In other words we're guided by our genes even when we try to
fiddle with them.
DAN:
Well listen to that! A hack understands a sentence ofmore
than ten words!
MARTIN:
I'll go further. He's saying we need to study our genes from a
non-experimental angle.
DAN:
This is fantastic! What you've just said is dumb but you're a
hack SO what else should come out of your mouth? Right?
MARTIN:
Right! And this is making me feel SO good!
They fall about laughing.
DAN (getting closer to him) Listen to me carefully, this is where you come in.
Science isn't the hype word it was even ten years ago, too
many things have gone wrong, there's too much ofit anyway.
Science needs to change, it needs new personalities. Would you say that
Barry Pillinger is an extravagant kind of personage Martin?
MARTIN:
I'd say he's more. I'd say he personifies the schizophrenic
mutation in the de-oxy-ribo-nucleic acid to infinity!
DAN (who has cleverly drawn out his true feeling) Oh what a bitch we have here! And an
informed one! One who does his bio-chemical homework! OK this is
what I have in mind for you tado. Put that personage on the world stage
Martin.
MARTIN:
Not my job or interest I'm afraid. I can start the ball rolling but I
can't guarantee outcomes. Anyway it's better done in the States.
berk
DAN:
Wrong again It's a small pool here, you get more concentration, your
papers prefer people on the spot. That's all I need from you, sweet man.
(Stretching and yawning) I could sure handle a lullaby.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
He gazes before him dreamily. He begins blinking.
He seems to be aware of something he can't
define. He becomes slightly rigid, more
thoughtful. MARTIN glances at him.
MARTIN:
Anything wrong?
DAN:
Nothing. Muscles in my back. Kind of twitching. Jet lag. They say you
have to live like it was eight hours back, which means I've just finished
my energy lunch and I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed but I ain't!
(Suddenly staring before him) I-!
He is suddenly on his feet in one big
jump, holding the back ofhis pants.
DAN (cont.)
What the hell goes on? Somebody pinched my ass!
MARTIN (sitting up with a jerk) It's a rat!
DAN:
A rat?
MARTIN:
There it is!
And indeed there is humped movement under
DAN's mattress, lou,
MARTIN (cont.) There's another one (jumping to his feet)!
thehovdl
DAN:
And where do they come from for ged's sake?
MARTIN:
They're Barry Pillinger's!
DAN:
He has rats?
MARTIN:
Cages full of 'em-in the basement!
DAN:
What's he doing with rats for christsakes?
MARTIN:
He's brought them all here, from Gower Street!


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
DAN:
What's Gower Street?
MARTIN:
His lab.
DAN:
Son of a bitch, he's twenty years too late! This belongs to animal studies!
They stare at the three humped forms as they slide,
go forward, retreat, two under DAN's mattress,
one under MARTIN's.
do hov
DAN (cont.)
Listen those guys don't belong in a party. They can get viruses this
way, humans are lethal for rats, you didn't know that? Maybe this man
knows something! He's moved on to new knowledge Martin!
One ofthe rats makes a sudden dart to the edge of
a mattress and MARTIN throws himself on it,
trying to encircle it the more it darts about.
MARTIN (calling up to DAN) Get hold of your mattress! (Frantically trying to press down
the mattress edges) Get your rats Dan!
DAN (clutching MARTIN's jacket from behind) What the hell are you doing? Leave 'em
alone! These are research rats! Ten thousand dollars apiece maybe!
Lay off! Lay off Martin! Let 'em go! %
LeL
BARRY
LANCE appears, left, glass in hand. He
stands watching with some interest.
MARTIN (still struggling) They're rats like other rats! (Trying to clamber over
both mattresses) They'll infest the house!
DAN
git-
(tugging at him) The future of mankind may lie there, now get up!
In one determined yank he pulls MARTIN to his
feet.
DAN (cont., wiping his face down) You hacks are crazy! You want to live for a
thousand years or not?


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
Listen Dan I saw those rats downstairs, they go for your legs,
they jump!
DAN:
Phooey! You're talking sewer rats!
The rats continue to gyrate under the mattresses.
LANCEappears.
BAKRY
LANCE:
What's s the trouble?
junp,
Theylswing round and-stare-athim.
MARTIN:
Loose rats are the trouble!
BARY
LANCÉ (watching the mattresses) I think I know those three. One of them's Mrs.
Ferdinand. That's the big one. She's pregnant. (Approaching the
mattresses) Now come on you lot, it's feed time.
He suddenly puts two fingers to his teeth and
makes a shrill whistle. The rats go immobile at
once. LANCE picks up the mattresses and they are
gone in three flashes and a squeaks
Six
A split second later all hell is breaking loose
outside screams, chiefly women, male yells
hoping for rational control and feet scrambling on
the stairs.
NANCY (off) Mum! Mum! There's rats in the Buffet (rhyming it with 'rough-it),
they're on the table mum, oh blimey they're in the aspic mum!
Amid the screams PEGGY dashes in.
BARRY!
PEGGY:
Lance! Come on!
BARRY
LANCE disappears behind her. We hear his shrill
whistle again and the screams gradually subside.
DAN:
Who's the whistling guy?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
The unhingedsar Prilngi
MARTIN:
Laneekenning-HerunsGowerun-Gower-Street.
DAN:
You.meanthelab?
MARTIN:
That' sright.
DAN
Mant
PEGGY dashes back in.
PEGGY :
Dan! I'm SO sorry! A little crisis! How are you?
DAN (as they hug and kiss) Rats will be rats, how are you Peggy?
PEGGY:
He promised me most solemnly he wouldn't let any go tonight!
DAN:
Is this Barry Pillinger?
PEGGY:
Yes!
DAN/EMitUS) He lets his rats go?
PEGGY:
Sometimes!
Bue
will
DAN:
Zhateconbtherzectidom.das deliketo gnaw their way out you know.
PEGGY:
The cages are cast iron.' I-
She dashes out again. MARTIN is thirstily
downing a glass of champagne at the drinks tableg
afterhis-exertions-
DR. SEYMOUR appears, her skirt held up round
her legs, her shoes gone. She walks by MARTIN.
Theyktare at her, (nore particularly DAN
DAN
OKudlan?
MARTIN:
Are you allright?
SEYMOUR:
Ran over my foot. Tried to get up my- ny - h
MARTIN (eymrie) Shirt?


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
BAKRY
Seymow 7-17151
she
LANCE dashes back as SEYMOUR seizes a nolte
drink.
BARRY
LANCE:
They're All safe in their cages. Oh dear (seeing SEYMOUR) have you
been frightened again?
SEYMOUR (letting her skirt go) It's a ch-ch-ch-childhoo' thing.
DAN (to LANCE, putting his hand out, gingerly) Well you cleared'em out good and
straight. You're in bioscience too? Wur doie
do ? Z'r -
BARRY
LANCE (as they shake hands) That's-right. Why don'tyou come and visit us at Gower
Street?
DAN (continuing to send preoccupied glances at SEYMOUR) I'd like to!
Clini C
LANCE:
Let me introduce Dr. Seymour, she's at the Malmsey, psychiatrist, she's
BARKY
joining Barry's team I think.
DAN:
Really? Well (looking down at her shoeless feet.befere-shaking
hands), You'retenificdofrats-mam? Sue huu yL Ge Jemfcal 2
BARRY:
vatA huh?
SEYMOUR:
Mortally.
studgy
DAN:
Then how are you going to cope watehing the mental health of a rat
community? lei le ofe m CHO3 hineug?
BARTY
SEYMOUR:
I happen to work at a h-h-human hospital, we haven't m-moved into rat
care-yet. C CC
Cune te -
NAACY
SONYATYMES appears with SEYMOUR's
shoes.
NANCY
betim BARRY Tuetingse
SONYA (to SEYMOUR) You left these/(FOLANCE) Trademark and Fickle Lilly were in
them, one in each. DAM: Vou kuow ereg vn 6 4
LL 1 2
LANCE(ODAN) Trademark and Fickle Lilly are joker rats. By-the-way-thisis-my
asistantatGowe-Street,the-Honourable-Sonya-Tymed (To
SONYA)/Dan Sutton, from the Ardmore Pennsylvanfa project.
Itii
aun
Blue way,
Sey usuf,


mkuy the geueti C Readlines!
BARKYL S enreil Zk uurs dratiitor
te kacker 2l0
uuc Lert
ben nacy tha hecuen / 14 leamiy
tm ther mrule 5 uunul / Tadcuakin
wrliy


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
Theyshakehands.
Seyhow: S-5-5-50 7 SS- sait.(To DAN).
SONYA:
Have-you-met-the-great-man-himself?
DAN(stillsomewhat-preoceupicdwith-SEYMOUR)ffyoumeanBuryy-Prtfinger
-no-butlm certainlyhappy you have the rightidea-abouthim. -
SONYA:
We were at Oxford together.
DAN:
Well listen to that! I'd like you all to fill me in about those Oxford days.
PARRY
SONYA:
Hehad an annoying habit - fatways beingright. We-ealledhim
Batty. Rather paradoxically. L e LL
OX lrrd Liv 3 Ce Ke
DAN (ambiguousty) Well listen to that!
SEYMOUR is trying to put on her shoes while
also sipping her drink.
MARTIN
Whydon'twegoout-on-theterrace,Peggy'sriggedupsome.
wonderfullights.
Eu Lorc
DAN:
Is/Arthur lost or something?
MARTIN:
Apparently he gets dragged into phone conferences.
DAN (with a last glance at SEYMOUR) Well, he could be saving us from a recession.
MARTIN:
According to him we've never been out of one.
thh l'ne
arfi
Lo seae hel C.
DANI
They, allgo out with the exception of
har a kud )
SEYMOUR.
are LA Sahe
helid SEYMOUR,
tmel
uea
BARRY isduddenty-in-thearehwayinhiis-labcoat.
cune C
She-deesn'tseehim.
iisake
IH: eelte,
BARRY:
Tssstt!
She jumps out ofher skin and almest


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
henelf - hi - k
throws herglassbackonthetray.preparatory-te-
running.
BARRY:
Have-you-seen-myfuturee employer? the Texan?
SEYMOUR:
You're in your lab coat! He'll think you're mad!
BARRY:
He does already. I've been listening to him overthe speakers.
SEYMOUR:
It'sall been switched off madman!
BARRY:
I kept the penthouse on receive. He thinks you re mad too.
SEYMOUR:
Why?
BARRY:
Welttook-at-youl You're drunk and you have no shoes on!
SEYMOUR:
You-don't need to be drunk! >
BARRY:
How'sthat?
wn auay bui
SEYMOUR (with great syllabic care) You don't have to escape-yourself/we do!
BARRY(comingforward with hishands-outstretched-sethathepocketratsstart-up)But-
darling!
MARTIN and DAN present themselves in the
archway. She begins screeching at the jumping
rats, pulling up her skirts frantically.
BARRY (putting his hands on his pockets) Ah gentlemenl
DAN (coming forward) This is Mr. Pillinger?
BARRY:
Yes it is.
DAN pumps hishand but of course the
moment BARRY takes his hands from
offhispockets the rats start flying again.
DANGumping smartly away) Shit!


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
abiaan -h AMARUN
Cona
MARTIN (withadawningloook-at BARRY)Yeudbetter-comeand-sit-down-Dr.
-Seymour,Iknowaroom-with-chairsin-it- Well /
Hehurries her out, she having-quickly.taken
anotherglassofchampagne.
DAN(lookingathis-pockets-geniallyHow-de-you-dothat?-They'rejumpinghett
one-minutethenthey're-like-sedated.
BARRY:
You're familiar with your wife's touch?
MAARTINS I'm sorry?
BARRY:
The intimate touch? All creatures respond to it. Like when you don't
know a woman from Adam but once you make love to her you know all
about her. That's the intimate touch. It conveys knowledge.
DAN:
Rightt So?
BARRY:
Let's S see how much they trust you.
He very cautiously lifts his hands from his pockets.
At first there's no movement, then itstarts,but tles L
w vewri, hh sluggishly. BARRY puts his hands back.
BARRY (cont.) They like you but there's something they mistrust.
DAN:
I'm uneasy with rats, Ihave-te-facethat.
tteri,
BARRY:
The thousand-year human has to face iteo, otherwise he'll be dead at a
hundred and fifty.
DAN:
Hike-thatlMayleall-youBany? wul ai W-e talh, alie?
BARRY:
Sure Tne humer ebacf tehec cell, (C
ju8k Itelicve al e 130 Ycan, IV Cnld Ue L
DAN(asthey shake handsragptin-Aandtm.Dan.
thowsand
cneling.
BARRY:
Here, tet me getridofthese: Theyi need some exercise.


NB MARTIN
NOTE
lbae
Moviy DAN'S hip-b
riap!
Mauricel Rowdon GENES
BARRY puts a iak i MARTINS
DAN(SBARRY-starts-umzipping-hispockets)Heyyman-
hard
MARTIN sercain -
BARRYgoes to the archway and does his low/
bending bowler's s swing, sending one rat tothe left
and one to the right, There are instant screams, off.
BARRY (appalled) New-listen-to-that. Suppose rats screamed every time a human passed?
DAN (weakened) Right Exactf.
NANCY (off) Mum! Mum! There's one in the champagne mum! She tipped it over
deliberate mum! She's swaying about mum, look she's as tight as a
fiddler's bitch!
DAN is watching BARRY with alarrhed
interest in his next move.
Low
Lusib
BARRY:
You hear that?-Nancy observes the behaviour correctly, and with
sympathy, she calls the rat 'she', she even gets the sex right! Not sO long
ago she was hysterical on the subject of rodent sex, she said it was dirty.
Did you hear the edge of concern in her voice?-she's concerned at Mrs.
Ferdinand getting drunk! Bui h needie feas, vac uatahli
s pec ctf
aijusli
MARTIN DAN (breathy) I thought you had an agreement with your mother in law not to let the rats
loose tonight?
tmyhl L
u M bpau
LANCEswhisttcisnow-heart
CLL
Nur
BARRY:
Youdon'tundersland at-at htat V make a report on whether my rats
find humans eatching.
hi eL
j ele
fechout
chaice
DAN (above the din) Catching?
lufectiois 2 huu
BARRY:
You didn'tl know madness was catching?
N 2a
yen Ch, (Noddig
DAN
time in which
Mowty
(allowing
to study him) I hearyout
To o
linlen 4
Under the influence ofLANCE's persistent
whistling the noise abates and they stand


INSELT
SAsaY Aelpynt Jener
Hegke tyy
help. yr
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Mauricel Rowdon GENES
à A
7h ch
ou Rornd
Laner
me us
khie
listening to the relative silence. deu
DAN:
You certainly need your whistling friend!
BARRY:
I'll say!
DAN(cml.) Now listen Barry, I've read a number of your papérs and of course I
especially liked How Can Genes Provide Us With Our Goal to
Modify Our Genes?
BARRY:
That wasn'tt the title. It was How Can Our Genes Which Provide Us With
Our Goals Provide Us With The Goal To Modify Our Genes?
erukds wn
DAN:
Right, right. Now could you give a five-word rundown of what you-wrote thc
meaur? there? Excuse me, this is a kind of little test I have with geniuses.
BARRY:
Dan, it takes anything up to a couple of million years to modify a gene
the safe way, the biological way. A human can-never-do-thatr wnsier
DAN:
not?
Phegre
Why
BARRY:
Because you can't replicate the process experimentally. An experiment
only demonstrates your own hypothesis. Genes don't work that way.
They work close to the nervous system, watching and listening and
adjusting. You can't replicate that. Genes are a function within a eody
physinlogy that's in motion all the time. Humans are trying to condition
humans but humans are already conditioned and can only carry out that
conditioning, which doesn'ti include the power to condition.
DAN:
Could-you-give-meakinddof example? pleese ?
Ceorfore
BARRY:
Let's take the opossum in an environment that hasn't changed for fifty
thousand years, like on the island of Sapelo. Now take an opossum in a
heavy industrial area where he's regularly run down by articulated trucks.,
He has a high mortality/This is noticed by the genes. They start a 1
mutation towards a shorter life. Now we'r run into the same thing. We
have short lives because we're out of synch. So we create more and more ha
things that are out of synch. We can't feed ourselves efficiently sO we
need trucks and planes and refrigeration and radiation. And we're trying
to adjust our genes to all that! It's crazy!
DAni
But
Yo wa
Ap leien thress
Bany
Kays
Carclie
BARRY:
Tue!
Hu >nl n


T E
uh "ndugin se
BARRY: Tax Jave U C dp A
Caoinl
del
disun 7 dole
20s
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DAns So how do/ Jel alek
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Stelo - Yoy a C
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Reww
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call HA
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cell-


Maurice Rowdon GENES
DAN:
So where do your rats come in?
BARRY:
I'm observing sane behaviour! I'm seeing how it reacts to mad
behaviour, like my rats tonight, among drunk humans. Which reminds
DAN:
Yes?
BARRY:
You're in jet lag and need another whisky.
DAN:
Damn me, Barry, I like you!
BARRY (taking his arm) Let's go.
The rats start up in his pockets.
DAN:
Hey! How come you have rats? I saw you throw em out!
BARRY:
I make new rats by thinking about it.
DAN:
You didn't throw the others out, that's what happened!
BARRY:
You heard people scream? And Nancy call out mum there's one in the
champagne! And turo t Ke spinge trgle?
DAN/Y hi
You'replaying.with.reality! Take me back to my nursing home!
They go off laughing. After a pause MARTIN
lis)
comes in from the other side oft the arch. He is
talking into his mobile.
MARTIN:
Dan Sutton's S walking round with his arm linked in Barry's.. What do
you mean, good news?... They're both drunk! You'd better get down here
quick!... What do you mean, you're besieged in your dressing room? To
hell with the rats, just shut your eyes and run!
He closes his mobile as PEGGY comes in with


The 0-Box
GENES
A Play
O Maurice Rowdon 2007
cin Ju -
buo
Sults (Seuth ard
Dar
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til
coule
Tegctos
fle
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1 Ex-
2 MeN
se-ten
lznd


Maurice Rowdon GENES
SONYA TYMES. Between them they are
supporting DR. SEYMOUR. MARTIN stares at
them.
MARTIN:
What' S wrong with her now?
PEGGY:
Passed out.
He quickly prepares a mattress for SEYMOUR.
PEGGY and SONYA lower DR. SEYMOUR
none too gently.
MARTIN:
What happened?
PEGGY:
A rat jumped at her playfully.
SONYA:
Up her legs.
MARTIN (leaving) I'll get her a brandy. It'll be her third.
SEYMOUR has already fallen asleep.
SONYA:
Thirsty work, I'll get us a refill.
She brings two glasses from the drinks table and
hands one to PEGGY across SEYMOUR's
sleeping form. They drink gratefully, seated on the
floor on each side of the mattress.
PEGGY (smacking her lips) That's not SO bad after all. Where's my daughter by the way?
SONYA:
With Lance, I expect.
PEGGY:
Why isn't she hosting this party? It is for her husband you know.
SEYMOUR (without opening her eyes) Don't worry, he's finished. Barry the Last!
PEGGY:
You're being very cocky for one who'sj just fainted aren'tyou?
Especially as you gatecrashed my party!


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR (trying to open her eyes and sit up but she is pitifully unsuccessful SO
she opts for slurred speech) That American looks geriatric
already. Met Barry, kiss of death!
PEGGY (pushing her back smartly and leaning over her with champagne-sparked menace)
You don't look sO far from geriatric yourself.
SONYA (to PEGGY) This is a classic reaction, I've been through it, blackening the
beloved.
SEYMOUR:
Who's that chipped in?
SONYA (to PEGGY) Barry infuriates women who fall in love with him.
PEGGY (to SEYMOUR) Did you hear that? You'd better watch out we don't put
you in a strait jacket!
SEYMOUR (sitting up blindly) There's method in my madness however.
She slumps back.
PEGGY (cont., to SONYA as she unsteadily downs the last of fher drink) Get me another
one dear, I can't believe any of this.
SONYA takes her glass and goes to the drinks
table, from which she brings one drink for
PEGGY and one for herself. They both down
more than half of their respective glasses in one
PEGGY (cont.) I tell you what, this is god-awful champagne but it makes you feel good,
Arthur's right there, not that I wouldn't prefer Dom Perignon.
SONYA:
If this isn't Dom my name's not the Sunday Times.
PEGGY:
You're not really a newspaper are you?
SONYA:
Not apparently.
They drink back the rest oft their glasses.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
PEGGY hands her empty to SONYA, who goes
for refills.
PEGGY:
Not that I care, I shouldn't be here at all, I should be eating Elizabeth
Taylor's caviar.
SONYA (as she sits again and hands a new glass to PEGGY) Why hers?
PEGGY:
She left it behind. Had to get back to the States. So there'sa
party in her absence and it's going on at this moment. A whole
slew of stars and directors. And their minders. Muscles trying to
burst through their jackets. Lovely.
SONYA (swaying): Are you tiddly too?
PEGGY (also swaying) Only a bit. I couldn' t bear to get like that one (indicating
SEYMOUR).
SONYA:
Some might say we intend what we live.
PEGGY:
Meaning, ifit does?
SONYA:
Well you had a party on the same night as the Elizabeth Taylor caviar
binge didn'tyou? You could have said tomorrow.
PEGGY:
That's what I hate, seeing my intentions all over the walls and (with a
glance at SEYMOUR) floors!
SEYMOUR (waking up) Talking about intentions, the fact is Barry invited me to lunch and
Ifell in love with him, I didn'ti intend to fall in love but I intended to go
to lunch all right.
She flops back.
PEGGY:
I'd like to see her standing in front of Shwarzenneger or whatever his
name is. (To the dead SEYMOUR) Try putting him in irons! Do you
know why she's here? Tried to clap me in irons for seeing rats! My
husband' S idea!
SONYA (waking SEYMOUR with a hard nudge) You said about method in your madness.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
There seem to be three entirely disparate methods at work in you, not
one, one you agreed to go to the States as his community psychiatrist, one
you gatecrashed this party and one you're sleeping with him.
SEYMOUR (eyes closed) That' s not three.
SONYA:
What is it then?
SEYMOUR:
Just the one.
PEGGY:
She means intention. She's drunker than you are sO she's quicker.
SONYA:
Also she's lying down.
SEYMOUR has dropped straight off again.
PEGGY (tottering into an upright position) Oh well I'd better pop off and look after my
rats.
She wavers out through the arch. SONYA
is oblivious of her exit.
SONYA:
Barry's father started saying Barry's brother Daniel's a better man than
him and I agreed just to be polite and he starts bellowing You leave my
son Barry alone! He's going to change the course of human nature!'
Work that out.
SEYMOUR (eyes closed) I haven't.
SONYA:
His dad always gets his sons mixed up, he's got five.
SEYMOUR:
I'll tell you something, whoever you are. Barry's no good at
stock-broking.
SONYA:
My god, are you out ofit.
ARTHUR, properly dressed now, puts his head in
and promptly grabs a drink.
ARTHUR:
What's wrong with her?


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
SONYA:
Hullo. I'm Sonya Tymes.
ARTHUR:
I'm looking for a gentleman called Dan Sutton and some say he was on
his way to bed.
SONYA:
He went through there (the archway) but he did have his eyes
closed.
MARTIN hurries in with the brandy as the party
noises increase.
PEGGY (off)
We're being besieged! I told you to announce, Nancy!
MARTIN (handing the brandy to SONYA) Get that down her and get her out of this room,
there's a conference starting.
SONYA promptly downs it.
MARTIN:
Good god! (To ARTHUR) Anyway to hell with them, I've
lost Dan by the way! What have you been up to in heaven's name?
ARTHUR:
Bank stuff, I think they spring it on me when they know I'm giving a
party.
MARTIN:
Can'tyou tell them to piss off?
ARTHUR:
Not with five hundred millions missing.
He downs his glass and takes another.
ARTHUR (cont.) I need this more than Dan at the moment.
MARTIN (having dialled a number on his mobile) Is that you Dan? We're in the
Japanese room.... (closing his mobile) He's drinking whisky in
your daughter's flat.
ARTHUR:
I've never known aj party like this, everybody's being the
opposite oft themselves. Peggy drunk, Dan walking round with
his eyes closed, SO this youngjournalist tells me.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR:
Now he' 's on about intention.
MARTIN (to SONYA) For god's S sake get rid ofher!
SONYA:
How? I can't get up.
MARTIN (pulling her up) Of course you can.
SONYA seems to come to her senses at once.
MARTIN (starting to pull SEYMOUR) Give me a hand.
SONYA (yelling in her ear) Walk! (Managing to pull her up) That's not walking! You
put one foot in front of the other! Like this!
She stumbles while demonstrating and
SEYMOUR only moves her legs up and down.
SONYA (cont.) You repeat it, repeat! Watch!
She finally manages to walk her off and they reel
across the archway, crashing into it and giggling as
the roar of ever more guests grows.
ARTHUR:
I've never seen that, have you?
MARTIN:
Ihaven't, no.
ARTHUR:
I mean at any party?
MARTIN:
DAN almost falls into the room.
DAN:
How many people in this house for christsakes? (Brushing himself off)
They're fighting to get out through people fighting to get in!
They stare at him.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
DAN (cont.)
What's the matter?
MARTIN:
You're different!
ARTHUR (lit up by the champagne) You look lifted up, carefree, you're not the harassed
Dan we're used to seeing (almost falling towards him ), how are you?
DAN (as they embrace) Maybe you're right, Arthur-maybe I have been inspired.
MARTIN:
What happened in this short space of time?
DAN:
What happened hack was Arthur's son in law took me up to his
apartment for a whisky and he has no whisky.
MARTIN:
Let me get you one!
DAN (disregarding him) He only has himself and all I can say is Arthur this is a man who
removes any thirst you might have had for whisky or any other beverage.
Don't talk to me about new age, this man is new age in himself.
ARTHUR (staring over DAN's shoulder) What the hell's that? Under that mattress! They
got in my dressing room too, I was standing on my table!
MARTIN:
We chased them out long ago, didn't we Dan?
DAN (also staring) At this stage I don't remember.
ARTHUR (watching) It's gone quiet.
DAN:
Barry Pillinger toldi it go quiet. I'm telling you, that guy can materialise
rats. I don't believe it and you don'tl believe it but that is the case. He can
materialise them at a distance.
ARTHUR (still watching) You know what I believe (swaying slightly)? Even the rats have
gone crazy. Do you wonder? Gatecrashers everywhere, two women
teaching each other to walk, three men trying to arrange a meeting by
mobile in the house they're all in, the rats are bound to be affected. It's
like we're under possession!
DAN:
We are! Here's a man does things his own way. Like Einstein and Hitler.
It's like we're in the battle phase of an operation, this is the front line,


Maurice Rowdon GENES
where the bullets fly! What are we going to do, run the other way? (They
stare at him) Did you ever hear of a big and momentous thing that didn't
have to be fought for? OK he turns the house into a hell-hole but only a
magician could do that! Don'tyou see this magician could face
anything, press conferences full ofl headless humans, chat shows upside
down on the sea bed, executions that repeatedly don't come off, who do
you think can get this man down like he gets you down? No one! That's
who!
ARTHUR and MARTIN have been stunned into
silence.
DAN (cont.)
Who was the guy who spent his life in a barrel? And the other guy who
stood on one leg for fifty years? Thinkers!
PAMELA rushes in.
PAMELA:
Have you seen Barry?
DAN:
I was with him in your penthouse!
PAMELA:
Mummy wants the speakers on.
ARTHUR:
On, what for?
PAMELA:
They're pouring in from the street, hordes!
PEGGY runs in, out of breath.
PEGGY:
We need three strong men to push them back down the stairs.
DAN:
OK you guys, here we go-!
As they start to move off the loudspeakers switch
on and we hear BARRY's voice: Keep calm
everybody, please leave the house, the house is on
fire, don't remain on the upper floors, go quietly to
the street, down to the street please!
The house swells with an all but audible pause for


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
thought.
DAN:
Can you beat that? He thinks of everything!
ARTHUR:
He probably started the fire!
PEGGY :
There isn't one!
DAN:
You see what I mean about this guy?
LANCE comes in.
LANCE:
Barry wants all the rats in the basement, it's past their evening feed.
PEGGY:
There aren't any here!
LANCE:
I can see three under that mattress.
He lifts the mattress and makes his shrill
whistle. Three white rats hot-foot it through bthe
arch. PEGGY hitches up her skirt and rushes out,
flinging offher shoes. Panic sets in outside,
women screeching, men shouting, people falling,
scrambling with expletives.
NANCY puts her head round the corner.
NANCY (leaving again) They're jumping up people's legs mum!
LANCE (rushing out) Mum's gone! I'll look after this!
We hear his wild whistle, off.
DAN:
Come on fellers, let's man the staircase!
They all rush out except ARTHUR. He takes
another drink from the table. The noises outside
subside.
ARTHUR (after downing it in one go) If only we had a place to sit. (Getting no response he


Maurice Rowdon GENES
turns unsteadily and repeats) I said if only-(seeing that no one is in the
He goggles at the mattress, under which three rats
are again lively. He blinks and blinks at their
movements, swaying. Replacing his glass on the
tray with solemn method, he puts two fingers to
his teeth and tries several times, swaying, to
whistle the rats out. But it's hopeless.
Nine
The Japanese room the morning after. There is a
deep silence in the house. The mattresses and
cushions have been removed. Two bar stools and
two light coffee tables (placed one on top of the
other) constitute a bizarre improvised arrangement
upstage right.
ARTHUR is sitting on one ofthe stools, his legs
tucked up. He has last night's pants and shirt on
and that's all, apart from carpet slippers over bare
feet. He keeps nodding over the table.
MARTIN pads in bearing a tray full of coffee
things. He is in a dressing gown, with carpet
slippers.
MARTIN:
Cost me five quid. (Placing the tray carefully on the table) Only way of
getting Nancy out ofbed.
He pours the coffees.
MARTIN (cont.) You look off colour. Drink this (pushing his cup across). I slept in the
spare room.
ARTHUR (from the depths) There isn't one.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
In Barry's flat.
ARTHUR:
Trust the press lord to lay himself on.
MARTIN:
Dan Sutton wants me to lay on an interview.
ARTHUR:
With whom?
MARTIN:
Your son-in-law. Five thousand words. Picture. It's a delicate mission. I
told him I didn't think Barry's Sunday magazine material.
ARTHUR:
I can tell you what material I think he is.
He drinks with decision.
ARTHUR (cont.) That Dr. Seymour made an exhibition ofl fherselfl must say.
MARTIN:
Wouldn'tyou if you'dj just slept with Barry Pillinger?
ARTHUR almost topples off his stool.
ARTHUR:
In Pamela's bed? Who told you?
MARTIN:
That Honourable girl.
ARTHUR:
She's the Sunday Times, you can'trely on her!
MARTIN:
She's Lance Kenning's assistant at Gower Street you chump. She and
Barry were at Oxford together. They were going to marry.
ARTHUR:
Then she noticed his face.
MARTIN:
I told you not to invite him.
ARTHUR:
Who?
MARTIN:
Barry! It was obvious he'd drop us in the shit.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR (screaming) What are you talking about? Peggy wanted him certified! As I
pointed out to her, she'd be the first candidate for that! Anyway that
was why the doctor woman was here. A fat lot of strait-jacket work she
did.
MARTIN:
You're talking rubbish. Barry invited her. The first time he slept with
her.
ARTHUR:
My god, sex moves faster than money in this place (holding out a limp
cup and saucer). Of course that might be her way of dealing with a
madman.
MARTIN:
Itis.
ARTHUR (rattled again) Anyway how could INOT invite the rat-man if the
ambassador was coming solely to see him? And don't] play the
innocent. You want him out of the UK.
MARTIN:
Why's that?
ARTHUR:
To have his wife to yourself! (Fixing him with a black Lethe stare)
You think you can get her to stay. I'll see you buggered first! Pillinger
wants her to go with him, she wants to go with Pillinger and I want them
both to go just to spite your bloody face.
MARTIN:
My goodness, coffee does work miracles doesn't it? The fact is I want
my child. There's a little case of paternity.
ARTHUR:
Paternity my arsehole! Willy-nilly screwing doth not a father make.
MARTIN:
I happen to be serious about this Arthur.
ARTHUR (staring at him) Only for the length of the morning Martin. (Rising creakily)
Anyway, I must dress for the office. (Going) After all, I have to
finance all this.
Once alone MARTIN coolly dials a number
on his mobile.
MARTIN:
Hullo Dan, it's Martin Fyffe, 8.30 a.m. Friday the twelfth. I think I've


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
got just the girl for the interview. Outrageous but with authority. She'll
say he's sexy. She also knows about commas and uses the word 'whom'
sometimes. A good balance. See you later (closing the phone).
BARRY appears in the archway, tussled and in a
dressing gown.
BARRY:
You haven'ts seen Pamela have you?
MARTIN:
She slept with her mum. I was in your spare room SO she couldn't sleep
there.
BARRY:
Why couldn't she sleep in her own bed?
MARTIN:
You were in it. So was Dr. Seymour.
BARRY:
Seymour went.
MARTIN:
How was Pamela to know that? Was she supposed to queue up for her
own bed?
BARRY:
Pamela and I are absolutely indivisible.
MARTIN (studying him with amusement) At this moment I think you are both highly
divisible!
BARRY:
I miss her warmth. The cold round me woke me up. You know how it is.
MARTIN (still amused) I do Barry.
BARRY starts to go but comes back.
BARRY:
I've told my community no visits to the upper floors today, no getting
under mattresses.
MARTIN:
You would have done well to tell them that last night! (As BARRY turns
to go again) Thank you for putting me up by the way.
BARRY:
Thank you for giving me a second son.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
Ididn't.
BARRY:
Oh yes you did. I spoke to your wife Helen this morning. I thought
Pamela might be down there, what's it called Chumlet Hatch or
something? Anyway I told your Helen you were claiming paternity and
she said which child is this and I said the child your husband gave my
wife when she was staying with you last summer.
MARTIN (jumping up, sending the breakfast things flying) You scatter-brained bastard!
BARRY has gone.
Ten
LANCE KENNING's office. Diagrams and charts
marked TTAGGG (a genetic clause repeated
several thousand times in the telomere).
He has a comfortable swivel chair and a chaotic
desk. He is opening letters. THE HON. SONYA
TYMES comes in.
SONYA:
That woman shrink wants a word with you.
LANCE:
Not the one last night?
SONYA:
Yes.
LANCE:
She's here?
SONYA:
Yes.
LANCE:
Good god.
SONYA:
She says she'd like to know more about this job Barry's offered her.
LANCE:
Why can't she ask Barry? Tell her to piss off.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
SONYA:
She looks collected and pale and when a woman's like that you have to
watch out for yourself.
LANCE:
OK wheel her in but see she gets a cup oft tea quick.
SONYA (going) By the way, I've formed the impression that she thinks you want her to
go to Pennsylvania.
LANCE:
SONYA leaves and after a few moments, during
which he glares at the door, DR. SEYMOUR
opens it and comes in.
LANCE:
Sit down won'tyou.
She does SO.
SEYMOUR:
I'm afraid I was rather ill last night.
LANCE:
I did notice you flat out on the floor. I could hardly not do.
SEYMOUR:
I imagine you know why I'm here.
LANCE:
Don't have the foggiest.
SEYMOUR:
You called the Malmsey hospital.
LANCE:
Did I?
SEYMOUR:
You asked a few questions about me. This morning.
LANCE:
Very polite ones.
SEYMOUR:
The colleague you talked to said you seemed to be after some kind of
career verification. Is that your business?
LANCE:
None of my business at all. It just happens that I'm involved in all
Barry's projects and I wanted to make sure that you were known at the


Maurice Rowdon GENES
hospital and SO on.
SEYMOUR:
So it was a character enquiry! And not done very professionally either.
LANCE:
Ifyou're looking for professional behaviour from Barry you're barking
up the wrong tree old girl. The fact is you're having an affair with him SO
your statements are perhaps a trifle unreliable? Love tints the view SO to
say? Tell me in plain words why you won't work with him.
SEYMOUR:
You don't recall me saying last night that the Malmsey isn't into rat
studies?
LANCE:
Then it's about time it was! You've got a goldmine waiting for you, at a
much better rate of pay than you'll ever get out of that hospital.
SEYMOUR:
You really think I'd leave my career behind, however badly paid?
LANCE:
Seize the bull by the horns! He's not expecting you to treat his rats, is he?
They don't aberrate like the human does, SO they don't need your
antidepressants do they? By the way your eyelids are almost on the floor,
I'd say you need a good night's S sleep.
SEYMOUR:
And shall I tell what you need? A bit of self-knowledge. You gene freaks
talk too much stale air about immortality and the thousand-year man and
no-disease-once-we've-computed-it-right. Did you ever hear the word
grandiosity? It sizes you lot up!
LANCE:
Our work is grandiose!
SEYMOUR:
I was referring to a state of illusion as typified in the words I am Nero,
I am Alexander the Great'! Come down to mother earth!
LANCE:
You don't think Crick and Watson and Wilkins were on mother earth,
one was a birdwatcher and the other a physicist! They got Nobel prizes!
They were our founder geneticists! And what about Erwin
Schrodinger? He thought genes came from proteins! Now you tell me
anything earthier than that! He too got a Nobel prize! Hej just happened to
be wrong, that's all. It's very mother earthish to be wrong! What about
Niels Bohr, he thought genetics had something to do with life! He never
stopped talking about the earth and light and all that!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR:
But God didn't make you lot visionaries or sociologists or moral
philosophers! Look at last night! That was a breach of the peace! Rats
crawling up people' S legs, eating the buffet food, biting hands that tried
to get to a sandwich first!
LANCE:
The one who bit the hand was Mrs. Ferdinand, she's learning some
very unusual tricks and as for the sandwiches and lettuce getting nicked
that was mostly Mr. Rabbit, he loves salads, that's all!
SEYMOUR:
What about how you whistle and they all go back to their cages? You
nearly whistled your back teeth off last night and they didn't budge!
LANCE:
It was only the drunk ones who stayed! (At sea now) You're just like
Ethel, you are! She fell in love with a rat twice her age and they
fornicated round the clock for a week and then she bit him in the jugular
vein and he bled to death!
SOYA appears with a cup of tea, puts it down
by SEYMOUR.
SONYA:
I can vouch for that.
SEYMOUR disregards both this remark and the
tea.
LANCE:
Anyway, I hope this answers your question.
SEYMOUR:
I didn't put one (rising). What you have done is give me a very full
picture ofyourself! So you'd better watch your step!
LANCE:
Oh the psychiatric police are out are they?
SEYMOUR:
Not police, watchdogs. But just before I go let me tell you why you'd like
me to go to Pennsylvania with Pillinger.
LANCE:
Why?
SEYMOUR:
Because you're in love with his wife!


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
She leaves, with SONYA behind her. LANCE
stares before him. We hear a door close and
SONYA comes back.
SONYA:
Is that true? Since when?
LANCE:
Since never. I was always interested in Pamela but.
SONYA:
I had a call from Oxford by the way. They tell me the Cambridge ghouls
are claiming a three-thousand year human! Adolescence is now up to five
hundred years!
LANCE (without much attention) Send out a news release quoting Barry. Such as
Humans would have a century of sex and two thousand nine hundred
years of impotence' - That'll fix 'em. (As she goes) And would you call
up Barry and tell him for god's sake to keep in with that doctor, she's
dangerous.
SONYA:
He'll think you mean keep going to bed with her.
LANCE:
I do.
SONYA (going) Good god.
LANCE:
It's better coming from a woman.
Eleven
The Japanese room. The mattresses have gone.
Instead there are four bar stools-without a bar or
even table. The scene is empty.
We hear NANCY's voice on the speakers.
NANCY (VO) Mum! Mum! There's a copper down here! He wants to see Mr. Barry!
No reply.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
NANCY (cont., VO) I think we'd better go upstairs Mister. I know he's at the top but the
speakers don't stretch that far, I'll have to walk up and knock on his door.
(Puffing as she walks up) Bloody stairs!
She appears in the archway with THE
INSPECTOR behind her.
NANCY (cont.) Ifyou'll wait here I'll see what I can do. (As she goes out) More
climbing!
She leaves. He looks round, rather wondering
about the bar stools. BARRY comes in through the
archway. He is in his lab coat.
BARRY:
Is it me you wish to see?
INSPECTOR: Mr. Barry Pillinger?
BARRY:
Yes.
INSPECTOR: I'djust like to have a few words with you sir, won't take up too much
ofyour time. My name's Justin Sarles (putting his police ID under his
BARRY (after inspecting it in his own time) Police inspector. To do with what?
INSPECTOR: We've had a call from the health authorities. I believe you're engaged
in research at London University-
BARRY:
Wrong right from the start. I haven't worked at or even with London
University for fifteen years.
INSPECTOR: But you do work at a Gower Street laboratory?
BARRY:
Rubbish. Gower Street's completely independent. London University
takes a paternal interest, that's all. You said this wouldn't take up much
of my time but it already has, with nonsense.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
INSPECTOR: I'm afraid we often have to follow up reports that originate in gossip
Mr. Pillinger. We're well aware that you enjoy considerable respect in
the academic world.
BARRY:
Anyway, sit down, ifyou can manage on one of these stools.
They sit.
INSPECTOR: We were called in about a party held here the other evening. I believe
Mr. and Mrs. Cutlass were the hosts.
BARRY:
That's right.
INSPECTOR: And a large number of rats were released.
BARRY:
They drifted out oftheir cages.
INSPECTOR: You have cages of rats here sir?
BARRY:
Yes I work with rats nowadays.
INSPECTOR: A number of people called us after the party, quite a lot of people, and
said they were bitten or terrified.
BARRY:
My rats don't bite and they don't mean to terrify. Ifanybody's going to
be terrified I should have thought it would be the rats ofhumans.
INSPECTOR: I'm not trying to score points sir. Our enquiries show that there is no
license for experimentation on these premises.
BARRY:
No experimentation goes on . I observe them.
INSPECTOR: You make it very difficult for us Mr. Pillinger. These rats get loose and
I'm afraid they may not be as clean as you think, seeing that your waste
disposal arrangements are still very primitive.
BARRY:
How did you find that one out?
PILLINGER:
The stink Mr. Pillinger. People were choking as they came up the stairs.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
BARRY:
On their own carbon dioxide! There were hundreds of them! Uninvited!
INSPECTOR: We have to take note of what people say, Mr. Pillinger, and there were at
least thirty phonecalls. After all, a rat in the salad!
BARRY:
Oh that was Mr. Rabbit, he just adores lettuce.
INSPECTOR: Yes but other people associate rats with sewers.
BARRY:
Not white ones, not beige and spotted ones.
INSPECTOR (testy) We can't turn a blind eye to the running of a rodent laboratory on
Hill Street Mayfair! So what are you going to do about it Mr. Pillinger?
BARRY:
Listen, the rats are about to be shipped to Pennsylvania.
INSPECTOR (persuasively) Something has to be done here Mr. Pillinger! You will have
to get a licence, I can't see anybody granting you one but you must take
health regulations seriously.
BARRY:
IfI take my rats back to Gower Street I lose touch with the community
just like that.
INSPECTOR: What community is this Mr. Pillinger?
BARRY:
My rat community. I'm trying to create home conditions.
INSPECTOR: Ifthe smell of urine on the stairs is anything to go by they're very sub-
standard! Now listen to me, Mr. Pillinger, all we police can do is to say
what the law is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to put difficulties in
your way but you would help us a lot ifyou legalised your situation right
now, today (rising abruptly). I gather you and Gower Street haven't
quarreled SO perhaps you should consult with them.
BARRY:
They don' 't give a damn about the law, they're Genetics not Law.
INSPECTOR: But they obey it Mr. Pillinger. You don't!


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
PEGGY's voice is heard over the speakers. THE
INSPECTOR looks round him with controlled
alarm.
PEGGY (VO) Nancy? Are you in Nancy?
NANCY (VO) Yes mum?
PEGGY (VO) There's a police car outside!
NANCY (VO) Iknow mum there's a copper upstairs with Mr. Barry.
PEGGY (VO) Oh my god! It's about the party! (Puffing) I'm on my way up police
officer!
BARRY:
Here we go.
NANCY (VO) They're in the Japanese room, he ain't half giving Mr. Barry a wiggin!
PEGGY appears in outdoor clothes.
PEGGY (at once, to THE INSPECTOR) Do sit down, I'm surprised you haven't been
offered
a seat already.
INSPECTOR: I've just got up thank you. Are you Mrs. Cutlass madam?
PEGGY:
Yes I am.
INSPECTOR: I'm Justin Sarles.
PEGGY:
How do you do?
They shake hands, with PILLINGER a
composed, interested audience, which PEGGY
shows herself aware ofby glaring at him from
time to time.
INSPECTOR: I think I've said all I wish to say to Mr. Pillinger madam.


N PLAYS
gens aud Corts
Pough dragh paoo -
nttsnig


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY (letting herselfinto a cut-off pillar carefully) I'm SO glad you didn't come in a
uniform. The helmets are what terrify me.
INSPECTOR: I use a cap madam.
PEGGY:
Is it a fine or sentence? I mean, anything to relieve me of sixty rats in
the house!
BARRY:
INSPECTOR: 172! I'm afraid you'll have to act very quickly Mr. Pillinger ifyou don't
want to be arrested!
PEGGY:
Why don'tyou take him now?
INSPECTOR: There has to be a warrant Mrs. Cutlass and SO far we haven't considered
this a possibility.
PEGGY:
Then there's my daughter. Ifhe takes his lab to the States she'll go with
him, he's hypnotised her, he's hypnotising you right at this moment.
INSPECTOR (to BARRY) Do you agree with that?
BARRY:
I suppose hypnosis does come into it a bit, yes.
PEGGY:
I think he should be illegalised. Some of us might not want to live a
thousand years, I mean a thousand years of worries like mine are going to
kill me straight off.
INSPECTOR: Your husband is Mr. Arthur Cutlass of the Bank of England madam?
PEGGY:
Yes.
INSPECTOR: Couldn' 't he in some way procure a license for the basement area for
the few weeks before shipment to Pennsylvania?
PEGGY:
As he always gives way to the Pillinger hypnosis I suppose he will.
INSPECTOR: Hypnosis' meaning exactly what madam? In the case ofyour husband?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
Let's put it this way, my husband's careful not to run a really boiling
hot bath like he's used to in case one of them falls in.
BARRY:
I can corroborate that.
PEGGY:
I don't think the police are going to accept your corroboration of
anything! (suddenly in tears).
INSPECTOR (after a respectful silence) Mr. Pillinger' S held in very high esteem
scientifically madam, could it be that he's a little like the proverbial
absent-minded professor?
PEGGY:
What? That man's s got eyes in his back passage! He can talk rat
language and god knows what they're all hatching together! It's gone SO
far my daughter doesn't know whose child she's bearing!
INSPECTOR: You're surely not suggesting that Mr. Pillinger needs psychiatric help?
PEGGY:
Suggest it? He's getting it! It's upstairs at this moment! (To BARRY)
That' S why she's sleeping with him-she says it gets her closer to the
madness. In fact she says his certifiability sticks out like a red balloon!
BARRY:
What about you? All these bloody loudspeakers and look at these bar
stools! (To THE INSPECTOR) She's sold every stick of furniture in the
house! When her husband comes home exhausted from a three-hour
lunch he has nowhere to sit!
INSPECTOR (embarrassed) I really must be off. There's just another thing Mr. Pillinger,
the animal people are complaining about your rats living without proper
light or air.
BARRY:
Now there you're really talking. It's why these little fellows dash all
over the shop, it's the light and air they're after. You're quite right.
INSPECTOR: So could I assume that you'll look after that? to make the health
authorities happy?
BARRY:
Absolutely! You've given me a real incentive-light and air! But all the
legal stuff means nothing to me, you have to talk my language and
you've done so, though you were a long time a-coming.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
Rat language.
INSPECTOR: Good bye madam, it was a pleasure to meet you. Mr. Pillinger (who has
risen) I shall tell my office that we have your full cooperation. Good bye
Mrs. Cutlass.
They shake hands and THE INSPECTOR goes.
BARRY (beaming) Pamela told me you were grooming Mrs. Ferdinand!
PEGGY (embarrassed) I happened to find a little brush I use on the kittens.
BARRY:
Thank you SO much!
PEGGY (drifting through the archway sheepishly) Oh that's all right.
He looks after her proudly.
Twelve
ARTHUR CUTLASS's office at the bank. Heavy
mournful pseudo-Gothic to suggest pseudo-
probity. ARTHUR is behind his desk. DAN
SUTTON is pacing around. A phone rings and
ARTHUR springs on it.
ARTHUR:
Hullo, come on up, we're waiting for you! (Putting the phone down and
speaking to his intercom) Let Mr. Fyffe in please. He'si in the lift now.
Try and meet it.
They both watch the door.
After a time it pushes open and MARTIN FYFFE
is standing before them.
MARTIN (stopping) It seems you're waiting for me.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
DAN:
I'm sorry about the short notice Martin. We need to agree on strategy.
MARTIN:
The media makes short work of strategies. We're such an unorganised
lot.
DAN:
You know what this is about don'tyou?
MARTIN:
Of course.
ARTHUR:
And you found out from Peggy didn'tyou? A minute after it
happened?
DAN (sitting) Let's S put Peggy aside for the moment. My fears are about reactions at
home.
MARTIN (to ARTHUR) Am It to have a seat or not?
ARTHUR:
I'm SO sorry Martin, do sit down.
MARTIN (sitting) Look at you both! This is just the first shot and you're already quaking
like a couple of spinsters. And what was it? Three column inches on page
four at most!
DAN:
You could have stamped that story out. The fact it got to you first. So we
won't] put Peggy aside. She rang you right after that police visit. And it's
in this morning's paper. Your own paper.
MARTIN:
But it doesn't nail him in any way! At worst he looks a maverick,
which is perfectly OK in science.
ARTHUR:
The snag is you hate him.
MARTIN:
Well he has put my wife against me! She is talking divorce! And that
would be the end ofme! But I'm still professional enough to know I can't
handle a story on the basis of my private grievances!
ARTHUR:
Helen doesn't understand your position as a father?
MARTIN (in a fury at ARTHUR's sarcasm) Understand? How could she understand her
husband getting a woman with child under her very nose?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR (rubbing salt) It would have been better if Barry Pillinger hadn't spilled it to her?
MARTIN (almost jumping) Of course it would! Oh I know how bucked you must feel
about it!
ARTHUR:
I won't deny a feeling ofjust deserts.
MARTIN:
And somebody else might get their just deserts too!
ARTHUR (coolly) That' s just what we're awaiting the evening paper to know isn'ti it?
MARTIN:
I'm not responsible for Pillinger's enmity towards me!
ARTHUR:
MARTIN:
Iam responsible for the child and I'll fight to keep my wife with all
I've got.
ARTHUR (his eyes down) You could suggest to her that your desire to have a child
overcame you. She being unable to have children.
There is a silence.
MARTIN (stroking his chin) Yes. Yes that is a point.
ARTHUR (cont., with a not dissatisfied glance at DAN) I'm sorry I've been rather
indiscreet.
DAN (quietly) You see, Martin, I have to be very watchful what gets into the American
press. A little matter of self-interest.
MARTIN:
The report I printed this morning didn't tell the whole truth. The police
went to see him for a reason far from health regulations. Do you think the
police do the health department' s work? They want to know one thing-
ifl Barry Pillinger's crazy, in fact whether he's a dangerous lunatic.
Releasing rats in a Hill Street residence, carrying the rats home from
Gower Street over a six-month period one at a time! That's S why they put
Justin Sarles on the case, he can suss out fruitcakes quicker than
anyone else in London.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
DAN:
So what did he decide?
MARTIN:
He thought Pillinger touch and go. Now I could have reported that.
The intercom buzzes.
ARTHUR (answering it with the handset) .Ah!... Thank you. (Putting the phone down)
The paper's out. You were right. Page four.
MARTIN:
There you are, the story's dead!
ARTHUR (cont.) The headline was Geneticist Visited by Police. My name's there. My
address. And it also gave Pillinger quite a puff. And there's a photo of
him.
MARTIN:
You see how we papers unknowingly help each other?
DAN (with a long look) I'm beginning to, Martin.
ARTHUR:
Anybody for tea?
DAN:
Make mine a double espresso please.
ARTHUR:
I wish they'd put my photo in. (At the intercom) One double espresso
and a pot of Assam for two Jenny.
Thirteen
The penthouse in the CUTLASS house.
PAMELA has just come in from work and is
changing. She has Classic FM on. Her briefcase
is on the bed. She goes to the inhouse phone.
PAMELA:
Nancy, is my husband down there?....Could you ask him to come up?
She goes to the shower and we hear the water
running.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
The house phone buzzes, and buzzes itself out.
BARRY comes in with his lab coat on.
BARRY:
Pamela! (Switches the radio off) Pamela!
PAMELA (pushing the shower door open) You should never have touched that
psychiatrist woman!
BARRY:
What are you talking about?
PAMELA:
Look in my briefcase, you'll see what I'm talking about! Page four.
BARRY opens her briefcase and takes out the
evening paper. He settles into a chair with some
satisfaction.
PAMELA pads in wrapped in a towel.
BARRY (looking up) What's wrong with this? It just says a police officer called on me
about some rat cages.
PAMELA:
Did she know about the police visit?
BARRY:
Of course. She was up here at the time.
PAMELA:
In this bed I suppose.
BARRY:
Well you've been rather absent from it lately! As a matter of fact she
went down to the kitchen to listen. Nancy gave her a cup of tea while
they listened.
PAMELA (sitting on the bed and gazing at him) What's wrong darling is the police are
really investigating your sanity.
BARRY (looking up from the paper) Where did you get that from?
PAMELA:
Martin Fyffe.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
BARRY:
The police investigated Lance once. For obscene phone calls. He was
phoning his rodent urine reports to a completely wrong number for six
months. And you know how heavily he breathes.
PAMELA:
Barry, why exactly did you release all those rats at the party?
BARRY:
Well first of all I don't organise people to be spontaneously mad as they
were that evening. I mean the rats had to see it!
PAMELA:
And you think that's a perfectly sane remark?
BARRY:
Of course.
PAMELA:
And you expect me to stay here?
BARRY:
Why not? You get on perfectly well with them.
PAMELA:
Does Dr. Seymour?
BARRY:
Good god no. I keep them all well out of sight when she's here.
(Holding the paper up) Good photo of me, right? Remember
She shakes her head.
BARRY (cont.) Oh come on, it's from that honorary degree ceremony at Bennington
New England. You had a little lace bag, and tea roses in your hat!
PAMELA:
Barry, you remember!
BARRY:
You were worried about your shoes, and in fact they made a killing.
PAMELA (kissing him suddenly, almost in tears) Yes!
They embrace for a moment, gaze at each other.
BARRY (jumping up) I'm going to slip round to the café, I want to see if people
recognise me.
She watches him go, still tearful.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
Fourteen
The Japanese room. The bar stools are now
accompanied by a tall table with a mosaic top
featuring much turquoise. The scene is empty.
NANCY (on a speaker, VO, conspiratorially) Mum?
PEGGY (VO) Yes?
NANCY (VO) I think Ijust heard the car doors slam.
PEGGY (VO, on the stairs) Beautifully timed, eh?
NANCY (VO) Evening Mr. Cutlass.
ARTHUR (VO) Hullo Nancy!
PEGGY comes in through the arch with a tray
already set out with coffee things, including the
best gilded coffee cups and saucers and gold-
plated spoons. She sets it down on the coffee table.
She is dressed to kill. She begins pouring the
coffee, black as night, no milk or sugar.
NANCY (VO) Rough day sir?
ARTHUR (VO) Middling.
By the time PEGGY is finished he is standing in
the archway with his briefcase.
ARTHUR:
Well look at this! And look at you!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
I thought we could do with a little celebration.
ARTHUR:
You saw the paper?
PEGGY:
Oh yes!
ARTHUR (settling himself carefully into a bar stool) I liked that bit about The Bank of
England' S Mr. Arthur Cutlass, father-in-law of one of our most notable
geneticists' . It wasn't quite what I came on the earth for but small
mercies, you know. I mean I like to think of myself as a Medici.
PEGGY:
It wasn' 't that I wanted to celebrate.
ARTHUR (after sipping his coffee) What was it then?
PEGGY:
His leaving.
ARTHUR:
Whose leaving?
PEGGY:
Barry. You told me yourself, it's retty well all arranged!
ARTHUR:
It'll take a year to finalise the details.
PEGGY:
A YEAR? We could all go mad in that time.
ARTHUR:
But what do you think I'm fixing him up with bright new cages and
drainage for?
PEGGY:
Wherever Barry Pillinger is there are free-range rats! Bright new cages
my foot! They'll all be outside! And I'm not having any more ofit!
ARTHUR:
All right, I'll have a sit-down chat with him. Anyway drink your coffee.
PEGGY (sitting back) I don' 't want any.
ARTHUR (putting down his cup with a little slam) What do you want?
PEGGY:
I want to move. This house is quite spoiled for me.
ARTHUR:
And where the devil do you want to move to?


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
PEGGY (croaking through quick tears) There's a house up the road. It'sjust come on the
market. It's got a conservatory and a walled garden and a small pool.
And it's (suddenly without tears) dirt cheap.
ARTHUR:
Let's talk about it over dinner. (Getting up) I need to change.
PEGGY:
Yes Arthur. (As he leaves) That woman next door complained.
ARTHUR:
Yes?
PEGGY:
She's one of the junior royals. She said there's rat seepage through the
walls.
ARTHUR:
Rat seepage?
PEGGY:
Urine.
ARTHUR:
And what did you say?
PEGGY:
I said the rats are going to Philadelphia or thereabouts and we're
moving six doors up.
ARTHUR:
Moving? Us?
PEGGY:
She said I've had my eye on that house too. I said well look elsewhere
my dear because I've just made an offer.
ARTHUR:
You made an offer?
PEGGY:
Yes Arthur.
ARTHUR:
You made an offer for a house for god's S sake?
PEGGY:
Yes.
ARTHUR:
On Hill Street. You must be mad!
PEGGY:
They said immediate sale, cash, it's a third of what we paid for this
place six years ago. Ijumped at it!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR:
Is it falling down or something?
PEGGY:
It's in better nick than this one, they're a couple on the run, a
corrupt minister or something, anyway who cares SO long as it's rat-
free?
ARTHUR:
And where's the catch?
PEGGY:
There isn't one. I put a search on everything.
ARTHUR:
Well! There's nothing like property I suppose! And it confirms my
view that people who are totally bananas like you have uniform good
fortune (taking up his briefcase).
PEGGY (as he leaves) Thank you Arthur.
She drinks her coffee with satisfaction.
Fifteen
The LANCE KENNING apartment. Another
party is in swing. As on the previous occasion
we are in the alcove with its boudoir armchairs
and round coffee table.
LANCE is reading, sprawled in one of the
armchairs. Shadows pass across the doorway and
there is a din of talk with dramatic rhythms from
Brian Eno on the hi-fi.
BARRY, dressed elegant casual, puts his head
round the door.
BARRY:
I'vejust been interviewed.
LANCE (looking up with reluctance) Hullo Barry. By whom?
BARRY:
Some woman.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
LANCE:
Is this the girl called the Velvet Knife?
BARRY:
Yes. She was interested in my sex life principally.
LANCE:
You didn'ttell her anything about it I hope.
BARRY:
I said I'm promiscuous and my rats are monogamous and they're much
happier than I am.
LANCE:
She'll call that anecdotal. They've picked the word up from science
journalists.
BARRY:
About ethics I told her science has nothing to do with ethics. I said are
you going to tell me that nuclear research under Hitler was any
different from nuclear research anywhere else?
LANCE:
Oh dear!
BARRY:
I said science is unpractical anyway.
LANCE:
Lovely!
BARRY:
All experiments prove is that something happened to work in an
artificially protected environment. It doesn't mean it can work outside.
There's a proven birth-control pill one year and the next it's deforming
babies.
LANCE:
Any more?
BARRY:
In mean look at what we think of as a simple haploid cell fusion,
millions of transactions are involved! The genetic codes work
without thought but thought is all we have to study them with. And it's
millions of light miles too slow.
LANCE (after giving him a long appraising look). All this is to ajournalist?
BARRY:
Yes.
LANCE:
And she understood every word?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
BARRY:
That' S hardly my responsibility is it?
LANCE:
Gawd!
BARRY:
Why gawd?
LANCE:
Because they think genetics is about a code and by the time you start
explaining even what a biological code is you've lost them!
A pause.
BARRY:
Could we explain what a biological code is?
LANCE:
Exactly. Since there isn't one.
BARRY:
I'm learning a lot from Heather Seymour.
LANCE:
BARRY:
She says if there is a psychotic mutation in human DNA perhaps
geneticists should see their obsession with longevity and genetic
modification as biological psychosis.
LANCE:
Why biological?
BARRY:
She means the biological school of psychiatry. It says humans are born
nuts. Which of course is what we're saying.
LANCE:
In that case psychiatrists are a lot of nuts trying to cure nuts.
BARRY:
The same applies to us. Crazy people trying to cure our genes instead of
our madness. What I always said.
LANCE:
And this kind of thing went to the journalist did it?
BARRY:
Of course.
LANCE:
Ig goggle at your diplomacy and careful use of non-extremist language.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
BARRY:
What would you have told her?
LANCE:
More about my sex life.
BARRY:
I did.
LANCE:
I bet you didn'tt tell her you had Dr. Heather Seymour in your bed most
nights of the week.
BARRY:
She already knew.
LANCE (sitting up) I hope that 's not going to be public! It'll devastate Pamela! For god's
sake Barry, the poor woman's cooped up here in my spare room! How
long is that to go on for?
BARRY:
But you said it was urgent to keep on the right side of Dr. Seymour!
LANCE:
Barry you have no discretion like most of us have no tonsils. I mean,
Pamela saw you at it with that woman!
BARRY:
Il know, that' S why I shouted out to her 'Don't worry, it's nothing!'.
LANCE:
That must have been nice for Dr. Seymour! (Getting up) I've got to have
a drink. I'll send Sonya in with yours.
BARRY:
Thanks a lot.
LANCE (going) Don't mention it.
BARRY picks up LANCE'S book and scans it.
BARRY:
Geneticists are the lion-tamers of nature' - Bloody fool! (throwing the
book to the floor).
SONYA comes in with the drinks.
SONYA:
Hullo.
BARRY (as if waking) Sonya! Oh thank you (as he takes his wine).


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
SONYA (sitting on the arm ofhis chair) They tell me you're looking after the children in
Pamela's absence.
BARRY:
Oh I enjoy it. Anyway I have to do it don'tl?
SONYA:
Yes you do Batty. Lance is fuming about that interview.
BARRY:
He's rattled because I'm honest with them. The fact is ifyou try and
manipulate a journalist they see through it in a flash.
SONYA:
Why have interviews at all?
BARRY:
Part ofDan Sutton's package. He says I have to be sort of floated into the
States on a cloud of good publicity.
SONYA:
That police visit should help.
BARRY:
Just what I said.
SONYA:
And what did he say?
BARRY:
He said 'we're turning that into a cosy mad-professor story'.
SONYA:
That's the trouble with your madness talk, Barry, the only person it sticks
to is you!
They fall about over this.
Sixteen
The house up the road which PEGGY has bought.
This room is the exact equivalent of the
Japanese room but bare, stripped, lightless. We
hear echoing voices, steps on a carpetless
staircase, energetic hammering from the ground
floor.
PEGGY walks in with LANCE behind her.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
We're going to do the alterations floor by floor.
LANCE:
But Peggy it's exactly the same as the other place.
PEGGY:
Not quite. The basement consists of four or five offices with stout walls
between them SO there's no way even a rat could get in. And since we're
selling the old house it means he has to come back to you doesn'tit? Plus
his rats!
He is stunned by her tone.
LANCE:
Is that why you got me here?
PEGGY:
Yes it was.
LANCE:
And all this moving is just because ofhim?
PEGGY:
Wouldn'tyou move? My daughter already has! She's living with
you!
LANCE:
And I'm supposed to accommodate his rats as well am I?
PEGGY:
Yes you are!
LANCE:
But he's on a completely different project! The financing's different!
And he's going to the States.
PEGGY:
Not for a long time though.
LANCE:
So what you're really doing is selling the old house over Barry's head?
PEGGY:
Over his rats too. And the new cages. The people coming in say they
need to lock up their wine anyway.
LANCE:
What a treacherous idea.
PEGGY:
He won't have a sitting target any more-me!
LANCE:
You're pushing him out of your life just like that? What's Pamela going


Maurice Rowdon GENES
to think?
PEGGY:
There's another woman in her bed! It's a disgrace him living in my house
with another woman, especially with children about! Anyway Pamela
wants him out too!
LANCE:
That's a downright lie!
PEGGY:
So what's she doing in love with you? Don't look sO alarmed! Or does
her sleeping with you mean she's just trying to get Barry out ofher body?
We women do that you know!
LANCE:
Isn't that that's rather personal
PEGGY:
All sex is.
LANCE:
She is pregnant with Barry's child after all!
PEGGY:
That's S Martin Fyffe's, didn'tyou know?
LANCE:
Good god!
PEGGY:
You all fornicate like rats, that's S the trouble!
LANCE:
You'll lose Pamela over this, you know that don'tyou?
PEGGY:
Don'tyou see he'll bring discredit on your work? on London university?
LANCE:
He has nothing to do with the university, nor do I! You don't even seem
to know what Barry's work is! Some Americans call Barry the first
geneticist! Do you think a man like Dan Sutton crosses the pool for a
nobody?
PEGGY:
Well in that case get him to the States as fast as you can! (Going) And
you'll need to find room for 172 rats-that'll be 195 including the kids!
He stares after her.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
Seventeen
ARTHUR's office. He is sitting at his desk taking
a call.
ARTHUR:
But surely Pamela you can visit your own bedroom? He's only showing
offl....Oh her. She couldn't certify a rabbit! Anyway who's going to
accept her medical verdict?. .Martin Fyffe wants him certified too?
Listen Pamela ifthe whole world's going to certify itself all I can say is
there's no need to worry, normal's 's mad, I'm not sure it isn't already. And
Pamela don'trely on Martin Fyffe's description of events, making up
stories is his job.
He puts the phone down and busies himself with
his papers. The door opens slowly and since this is
against all precedent ARTHUR attends closely to
the result. It is DAN SUTTON.
ARTHUR:
What's wrong?
DAN:
Nothing, why?
ARTHUR:
No new gaffes by you know who?
DAN:
Not that Il know of. (Sitting) Unless it happened in the time it takes a cab
to get here from the Connaught.
ARTHUR:
How did you break through my secretarial stockade?
DAN:
Pure charm.
He sits down and yawns.
DAN (cont.)
Excuse me. The interview seems to be going OK in the States. Luckily
the Velvet Knife reserved her cruelty for the anti-Pillingers.
ARTHUR:
Good.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
DAN:
This could be the calm after a storm and it could be the calm before it.
ARTHUR:
You know why I think it's calm?
DAN:
Tell me.
ARTHUR:
We're all getting to know Barry. Including me. He does take some
knowing.
DAN:
Also a lot of our fears were unjustified Arthur.
ARTHUR:
That's right.
DAN:
And he has a certain, I don't know how to express this but wouldn'tyou
say he was basically a peaceable kind of guy?
ARTHUR:
Is suppose a scientist has to be. Otherwise how is he going to do all those
plodding day to day litmus tests and stuff?
DAN (nodding) Most science is dull like sewage water.
They sit in a comfortable silence.
DAN (cont.)
Partly it's me getting used to things over here in England. I guess I'm a
very simple man. You know, George Washington uttered some very
beautiful words. He said Europe's a name for chaos.
ARTHUR:
What's Europe got to do with it? We're in the UK.
DAN (scathingly) OK, OK, I just happened to forget we're in Asia, right? There's S just this
one thing that worries me about England. I'm going to be very frank,
Arthur. I know a lot about your extended family-son-in-laws, daughters,
psychiatrists, editors in chief, geneticists male and female, but business-
wise I am fucked.
ARTHUR:
How?
DAN:
I'll tell you how. You and I are going into business together and as usual
I hope to plough my way through good healthy soil but, funny me, I feel
SO far the only soil I've ploughed my way through is personal shit. You


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
forgive me?
ARTHUR:
Of course. I see the same thing from the money end. Money's just an
equation but people get very personal about it.
DAN (with a passing sour look) I'm not talking about people getting personal. I'm saying
that the man we're putting our money on is sleeping with a psychiatrist
who would like him in a nuthouse, his wife's sleeping with his closest
professional associate and, guess what, she's carrying a baby from neither
oft these men but the editor in chief on whom we most rely for the
creation of a good media image for the man we're putting our money on.
Man, you haven't got chaos here, you have a tidal wave tall enough to
carry us all away!
ARTHUR:
Oh! But let me tell you something. Barry Pillinger is where I happened to
have placed my bets. Do you hear me? And there they stay!
DAN:
Arthur for christsakes stop fiddling with those dumb-ass papers will you?
My career's on the line! I've staked it on a B film funny man and you sit
there blabbermouthing this financial shit about how nothing's wrong,
everything's normal, not to worry. You're as shit scared as I am.
ARTHUR:
I am too.
DAN:
I mean is this the menagerie I'm to export to Ardmore Pennsylvania? It'll
take him a week flat to drive 'em all crazy! He'll be on every chat show
from Sedona to Maine! For himself he'll be talking sense. Only for
everybody else he'll be talking loco! I've been through his notes and his
daily reports and there's nobody knows what he knows! Except he stands
in front of himself making faces! So wrack your financial brains for
something really dishonest will you?
ARTHUR:
Why dishonest?
DAN:
For christsakes just think something out will you?
ARTHUR:
Well I've had certain thoughts already, as a matter of fact. Let's look at
what Barry's already achieved. The papers are calling him up.
Television appearances pending. He'll soon be the voice of genetics even
on this side oft the pool.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
DAN:
Il hear you.
ARTHUR:
Tell the Ardmore people you're keeping him here. Why do they need to
own him bodily?
DAN:
Own him is just what we have to do! Nothing less! That's how we make
our killing!
ARTHUR:
But you just said it yourself, Barry's circus travels with him. So let him
and his circus stay here! That's where he does his best work, in a circus!
He might lose heart in Ardmore! It might seem too flat for him! So he'll
start a Yankee Doodle circus such as you've never seen! He'll do
anything not to give you a safe feeling at breakfast! I've been in that one
for years! But ifI own the premises, the cages, the facility? Pay the
salary?
DAN:
You mean he can do no more than he's done already.
ARTHUR:
Exactly right!
DAN:
And you kind of rent him to us? (Shaking his head) They won't buy it!
ARTHUR:
Better than renting is that you own me. Or rather you and I get owned.
DAN:
A subsidiary?
ARTHUR:
Better a franchise.
DAN:
And where are you going to put him?
ARTHUR:
In my house.
DAN:
There you go--back in the middle of the shit! It's your own residence
man!
ARTHUR:
No. You're wrong.
DAN:
I'm sorry?


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR:
We've purchased another house a few doors up.
DAN (with admiration) You cunning bastard.
ARTHUR:
Here's something else. It's publicity that moves governments.
And Barry's getting a lot ofit. I can be ofhelp there. I canm start moving
politicians. They're always saying isn' 't your son-in-law all over the news
and I say didn'tyou know?
ARTHUR rises and leaves his desk.
ARTHUR:
In fact I want to introduce you to a few government people right now.
DAN (rising too) I ought to say Arthur that in Ardmore Pennsylvania government' is the
foulest word you can utter.
ARTHUR:
That' S all right. A rose by any other name is sweet.
DAN rises and they start to go out.
DAN:
Lead on, wise man.
The phone rings.
ARTHUR (hurrying back to his desk) Let me just grab this.. Hullo?.... What?. ...Oh my god!
(Shouting) Call Lance Kenning and get him over! And don't do
anything! We'll be there in twenty minutes flat! (Crashing the phone
down and grabbing his keys on the desk) Barry's locked himself in the
cages and won't come out! He's rattling the bars and says he's on strike.
DAN stands with a face twice its length.
ARTHUR has to all but drag him out. The door is
left open.
ARTHUR (off) Refer my calls to Hill Street please!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
Eighteen
The Japanese room. Cage bars are being
violently rattled below. A simply hair-raising
noise.
NANCY (VO) Mum! Mum! Dad's arrived!
The front door slams.
ARTHUR (VO) Don't call me dad and where's my wife?
PEGGY (VO) I've locked myself in the bathroom!
ARTHUR (VO as he and DAN run up the stairs with much puffing) Which one, we have
six?
PEGGY (VO) The master one!
ARTHUR comes in through the arch with DAN
behind him, both out of breath.
ARTHUR (to PEGGY) I've got Dan with me, come down to the Japanese room.
DAN:
Maybe we should call the medics!
ARTHUR:
To hell with medics, it's probably one ofhis experiments.
PEGGY comes in.
PEGGY:
I'm terrified he'll break out and start mauling us!
ARTHUR:
Break out ? What are you talking about? He's inside with the key!
LANCE (VO) Hullo? Anybody upstairs?
ARTHUR:
We're in the Japanese room.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
DAN:
Who the hell's S that?
PEGGY:
Lance Kenning.
DAN:
That whistling guy? He's good for getting rats back in, not Pillinger out!
LANCE appears, composed.
ARTHUR:
What do we do Lance?
LANCE:
What about?
DAN (shouting above it) You don't 't hear the rattling?
LANCE:
It's only Barry.
DAN:
Only! He's a whole crowd of kooks (as the rattling augments)!
LANCE (also obliged to shout) It's because I told him you were throwing him out ofthe
house! And his rats!
DAN:
Who's 'you' for god's sake?
LANCE:
Peggy. She said go and tell Barry I'm throwing him out ofthe house, she
said I'm selling it under his feet, I've got a buyer. So naturally he got
mad.
DAN (to PEGGY) You again!
LANCE:
She said I want him and his 195 rats out right now! She said the people
who've bought this house need the cages for their wine.
ARTHUR (also to PEGGY, with an appeal to the ceiling) Why in heaven's name?
PEGGY:
Because it's true! We're not living in two houses just to provide him with
a cage! So that's that!
ARTHUR:
Oh really? Well just you listen to this! My plans for this house have
already been made! It's now Barry's research centre! And in future keep


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
out of my business affairs!
LANCE (shouting at the arch) OK Barry you can stop rattling your cage!
The rattling stops abruptly.
PEGGY (to ARTHUR) You can't be serious, a prime Hill Street property turned into a
rathouse!
ARTHUR:
You don'tl have to worry, plenty of money is going to be made.
PEGGY:
Well, I suppose you know best in that department.
ARTHUR (seething) Yes darling.
PEGGY (close to tears) What am I supposed to do? I don't mind touching them but I'm
scared oft them crawling up my legs. You're not too happy about them
either, you're always tucking your pants in your socks and running up the
stairs!
LANCE has already slipped away.
DAN:
OK, let's cool it.
PEGGY:
I found a buyer, I was only being sensible.
DAN (stone)
That you were Peggy. Very sensible.
ARTHUR:
In future if anybody says Barry Pillinger's crazy laugh in their faces!
Any reflection on his sanity is a reflection on your bank balance, and
don't forget money's very volatile at the moment, especially in your
hands!
LANCE strolls in again.
ARTHUR (cont.) What's he up to now?
LANCE:
Nancy's did him a couple of fried eggs.
PEGGY (blowing her nose) I wonder his rats didn't die of shock with all that noise.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
LANCE:
They loved it. He'd like to see you all, by the way. Share a pot of tea with
him.
ARTHUR (looking at DAN meaningfully) And why not?
DAN:
I could easily say why but why not?
ARTHUR:
Come on Peggy.
PEGGY:
It's hardly my fault ifhe puts himself behind bars! The police should
have done that long ago!!
ARTHUR:
You're perfectly right Peggy as always but where there's big money
there's big compromise. Which means try and keep your mouth shut in
future, will you?
They trail towards the arch but before they get
there NANCY's frantic voice comes over the
speakers.
NANCY (VO) Mr. Barry! Mr. Barry! You left them bloody cages open! They're
everywhere! He's gorn mum. Mum! Oh blimey! They're in tonight's
blancmange! Dozens on 'em! Dozens!
PEGGY (hitching up her skirt and flinging her shoes off) I told you so!
ARTHUR (yelling to DAN as he unties his shoes, hopping about) Get your shoes off!
DAN pulls offl his laceless shoes, watching
ARTHUR.
ARTHUR (cont.) Tuck your pants in (as he tucks his pant cuffs into his socks)!
DAN follows suit.
PEGGY (dashing out) Follow me!
ARTHUR runs out too.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
DAN (as he too dashes out) Hold it you guys!
All we have left is three pairs of shoes. We hear
LANCE's deafening whistle below. The
slamming of doors above. Silence.
BARRY, in his lab coat, strolls in with LANCE
behind him. They look round.
LANCE (as they inspect the shoes) Odd.
They sit on the bar stools.
LANCE (cont.) Are we switched on? (DAN shakes his head firmly) Well, that did for
her. A little violent, your method. (No response) You know who's here
don'tyou?
BARRY:
LANCE:
Dan Sutton.
BARRY:
The trouble is I never plan this kind of thing, Ijust find myself doing
LANCE:
And now you're in the public eye it's not SO convenient.
BARRY:
Exactly. Hetty's trying to help me there.
LANCE:
Hetty?
BARRY:
Dr. Seymour. She says I do things to make a point when all I have to do
isj just make the point.
LANCE:
Hardly a revelation.
BARRY:
That's what she said. For me it's a revolution.
LANCE:
You're not going to start interpreting everything you do as
aj psychological event are you? It's obvious you rattled your cage to
make a point! What was your point? I want this house! Well you got it! If


Maurice Rowdon GENES
you'd been psychoanalysed you wouldn'thave dared. Irrational.
BARRY (glowing with admiration) That's exactly the point I'm making in my fieldwork!
I'll quote you.
LANCE:
Who to?
BARRY:
The doctor.
LANCE:
Would not do.
BARRY:
LANCE:
I was terribly impressed when you got them all back in the cages. After
their blancmange binge.
BARRY (coming to) Is this about the rats?
LANCE:
You need to be in a team again. Getting kind of absent.
BARRY:
What's happening is I'm seeing the genetic language in behaviour, and
then I'm seeing the behaviour send messages back to the genes! So the
genes change and then you see the behaviour change.
LANCE:
Genetic information elaborates on itself, every second.
BARRY (full of admiration for this remark) So all this crazy modification stunt can do is
interfere with it!
LANCE gives him a long look.
LANCE:
You won't get away with all this you know.
BARRY:
I thought geneticists can get away with anything-the big money circus
and all that.
LANCE:
And suppose I told you you've pitched yourself against the big money?
It's not your genetics they mind, it's your side-shows.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
BARRY:
But the best biologists agree with me! They say we're not
describing life. And the best physicists say the same. That's how physics
ended up in Hiroshima! I'm trying to stop genetics dropping the last
bomb of all, without a bang, and without my side-shows they'd never
listen!
NANCY puts her head round the arch.
NANCY (in a whisper) They're up there without their shoes, Mr. Barry. It's Mr. Sutton I'm
most worried about.
LANCE (jumping up) So am I Nancy! Thank you!
He grabs the shoes and goes out, with NANCY
behind him. BARRY stares before him. He
gradually perceives, with perplexity, that he is
alone.
Nineteen
The alcove at LANCE': S apartment. PAMELA is
in one of the armchairs, alone, reading.
BARRY (off)
Pamela?
PAMELA (without relinquishing her book) I'm here Barry.
BARRY (appearing at the doorway) Where's Lance?
PAMELA:
At the lab.
BARRY:
She's gone Pamela.
PAMELA:
Who?
BARRY:
The doctor. Heather Seymour.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
PAMELA:
Why don'tyou sit down Barry? (He does so) I didn't think you'd do
what you did.
BARRY:
What was that?
PAMELA:
Stage a childish siege just because Lance told you mummy was selling
the house.
BARRY:
I went crazy. Selling the house over my head.
PAMELA:
Why didn'tyou talk to daddy first? or Dan Sutton? They're the people
who count for you, not Peggy.
BARRY shrugs.
PAMELA:
Are you going to do this all your life? play schoolboy tricks?
BARRY:
Il locked myself up with the rats because I wanted to be with them. They
were the only people I wanted to be with. I know I rattled the bars. I got
frantic. I did get beyond myself.
PAMELA:
You didn't see that there comes a time when that sort of thing no longer
works?
BARRY:
It did work. I got what I wanted. And partly it was because I was alone.
You and I are better together than with anybody else under the sun.
PAMELA:
That's where you're wrong Barry. You went too far. You broke
something. I can't go back to the old life. I want my children to have a
real father.
BARRY:
You know I'm that!
PAMELA:
Yes I know and the children love you so, sometimes I think they love you
far more than me but I can't go on with that life, I can't.
BARRY:
What are we going to do then?
PAMELA:
I'm divorcing you Barry.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
He can't grasp this. He stares at her, shakes his
head.
PAMELA (cont.) Yes I am Barry.
BARRY:
Let's stay away from each other for a bit ifyou like-you'll see, you don't
love him!
PAMELA:
I'm only marrying to end the marriage to you.
BARRY:
Did you tell him that?
PAMELA:
Martin Fyffe?
BARRY:
Yes.
PAMELA:
He accepts that.
BARRY (getting up) I'll leave you to think it over. You'll come back.
PAMELA:
I won't Barry.
BARRY (at the door) Yes you will-your love's going to drive you back.
PAMELA:
Barry-you drove it away! You referred all your games!
BARRY:
They weren't games at all! They were just to get my ideas across!
PAMELA:
Go back home.
BARRY:
You say home.
PAMELA (hiding her face) Leave Barry! I don't want to look at you! Leave! Leave!
He walks out. She sits with her hands over her
face.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
Twenty
The new CUTLASS residence up the road. We are
in the exact equivalent oft the former Japanese
room but here there are a gorgeous carpet of
heavenly peach and real armchairs in patterned
covers subtly matched to the wall with its
Rosko-ish abstracts.
PEGGY, in a quiet cashmere two-piece, enters
through the arch with DAN SUTTON, who is
dressed with great Southern panache subtly
attuned to London.
PEGGY:
So how do you like it?
DAN:
Well it's kind of relaxed and more welcoming, I'd say. And you've been
converted to chairs I see.
PEGGY:
Of course Nancy misses the loudspeakers everywhere.
DAN (as he sits) The speakers were for convenience Peggy, not the nerves. I think you
have a better arrangement.
PEGGY:
I think we were all a little mad in that house.
DAN:
Well Peggy, rats on the loose were never a recipe for good nerves.
PEGGY:
Dan, I was hoping we could avoid work subjects this evening.
DAN:
We'llj just break bread and have a good time, what do you say to that?
MARTIN FYFFE appears in the archway.
MARTIN:
It's wonderful Peggy! And Nancy SO dainty in her pinafore.
He and PEGGY embrace.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
MARTIN (coming forward) Dan, how are you?
DAN (rising and shaking hands with him) Well, kind of sad to be leaving.
MARTIN (following PEGGY's example and sitting down) I'm sorry you couldn't get over
to us for the weekend. But you'll soon be back.
DAN:
Oh sure.
MARTIN:
I have some news. I'd better break it now otherwise you'll accuse me of
being devious.
ARTHUR appears in the archway.
ARTHUR:
Hullo all. Did I hear that correctly?
PEGGY (stricken) Yes you did! Martin has some news that can't wait.
ARTHUR (going to a chair) This is supposed to be a house christening.
MARTIN:
I've just heard that Dr. Seymour has given an interview to an American
television network, I don't know which yet.
ARTHUR:
And she went for Pillinger's balls.
MARTIN:
I'm afraid so, yes.
A long hush.
MARTIN (cont.) She told them how he let his rats loose and rattled the bars ofhis cage.
And she said she had studied 'in the act' and her conclusion had been that
he is certifiable.
ARTHUR (with quiet threat, to MARTIN) Is it true you've been in contact with her all
these weeks?
MARTIN:
No doubt my paper has. I Iknow other papers have.
ARTHUR:
Perhaps I should tell you you've been in contact with her.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
Why do you say that?
ARTHUR:
Because you're not the only person Il know on your paper.
MARTIN:
And this other contact monitors my calls does he?
ARTHUR:
She appeared at your paper three times. Once she went into your office.
MARTIN:
I gave her three minutes flat. I closed my ears.
ARTHUR:
MARTIN:
I carry hundreds of stories a week Martin but this one I didn'trun. She
went to a television network because she got no joy out of me!
ARTHUR:
The fact remains it cooked his chances in the States didn'tit? Martin, you
wouldn' 't have gently invited Dr. Seymour to do him in would you? I
mean you're not exactly in love with Barry Pillinger are you?
MARTIN:
This is getting offensive Arthur.
DAN:
May I say something? Peggy's looking very concerned SO why don't we
put all this on hold-and I for one am hungry.
PEGGY (jumping up) I'll go downstairs and see to the cocktails. We'll have them at table.
(Leaving) Thank you Dan!
DAN:
OK, you guys, this is the end. Pillinger carries problems like
clouds carry rain and there's been a heavy downpour every day. So now
we can be ourselves. (Rising) What say we go downstairs and start
enjoying ourselves? Let's S try taking a drink not in desperate gulps but
like we always used to.
MARTIN (as he rises) Hear hear.
ARTHUR (doing SO reluctantly) I suppose you're right but that's a hell of a lot of work
down the drain for a mad psychiatrist-I mean look at the accountants and
lawyers alone, it's a big bill to foot.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
DAN:
It happens all the time Arthur.
ARTHUR:
I suppose I'm being touchy because we lost five hundred million at the
bank.
DAN:
Know what I'm going to do tomorrow? I'm going to have a last look
at Pillinger in that empty house. Just out of curiosity.
MARTIN (as they all drift out) Isn't that what killed the cat?
DAN (off)
This cat growls. Grrrrr! (and a very good imitation it is).
Twenty One
The Japanese room in the old CUTLASS
residence. There is no furniture now, only the
intercom-plinth with its carved lid.
BARRY strolls in. He has his lab coat on and
goes to the intercom-plinth idly. He lifts the lid
and reaches inside and comes up with
severed cables and switch units. He lets them
fall back into the box with a clatter.
SONYA TYMES appears in the archway, also in a
lab coat. She carries a notebook on a band round
her neck. A pencil is behind her ear. She leans
against the wall, watching him.
SONYA:
Come on Batty, it's not as bad as all that. We've worked in an empty
house before.
BARRY:
Those speakers would have been useful.
SONYA:
Why don'tyou get them working again?
BARRY (with a shrug) Looks like Peggy cut it all to pieces in a rage.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
SONYA:
Do you notice the rats don't come out of their cages any more?
BARRY:
They're bored. Nothing going on. No parties.
SONYA:
Do you know something? All this reminds me of when the three of us
started, after Oxford. Remember we used to talk shop all night?
BARRY:
A happy trio. More stable than marriage.
They reflect.
BARRY (cont.) By the way would you make a note about that very clever one, the baby.
We'll have to give her a name (as SONYA takes her pencil from behind
her ear and opens her notebook). She's starting to sleep in shoes. Trying
to get close to humans. That may be the first sign of a genetic change
parallel with cats and dogs. I was going to call her Beelzebub.
SONYA:
She's pink isn't she?
BARRY:
Pink lard, sort of.
SONYA:
Well there you go. (Writes) Pink lard. Sired by?
BARRY:
Lucifer. That's why I thought of Beelzebub. They were both fallen
angels you know.
DAN has appeared downstage right and stands
gazing at them unseen.
BARRY (cont.) I've screwed it Sonya. I always knew I had nine lives but when I was
rattling my cage I knew eight had gone and this was the ninth. No more
chances.
SONYA:
Lance'll take us on again.
BARRY:
Not my rats he won't.
DAN:
Sad day huh?
BARRY nods, showing no surprise at his


Maurice Rowdon GENES
presence.
DAN (cont.)
What' S the plan?
BARRY:
There is none.
DAN:
Why's that?
BARRY:
Well I'm not on my way to Ardmore Pennsylvania am I?
DAN:
You decided against that?
BARRY:
I think the American public did!
DAN:
How so?
BARRY:
Well after Dr. Seymour's S television appearance.
DAN:
I wouldn't worry too much about that. I called her hospital this morning
to find out what kind of remit they gave her and they told me she'd
already been sacked.
BARRY:
Oh. I'm very sorry.
DAN:
Why? You always said you wanted her on your team. Here's your
chance!
BARRY:
I don'thave a team. I don't even have aj job.
DAN:
You think your father in law won't go through with his plan? set you up
like he said?
BARRY:
Not after all this, no. Am I right?
DAN:
You certainly are sir. He means to sell this house right quick. He had a
big loss at the bank, some of that five hundred million pounds was his.
BARRY:
Well, there's my future down the drain isn'tit?
DAN:
Not necessarily. The news about Dr. Seymour getting the sack should be


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
going out on the American networks any minute now.
BARRY:
You know that?
DAN:
Well of course I do Barry Pillinger! I broke the news! CNN will be
calling you for a statement. There's your chance.
BARRY:
OK. I'll tell them the truth.
DAN:
Which is?
BARRY:
She says all geneticists are crazy. She says geneticists found the
schizophrenic fault in humans but won't look at their own discovery in
the mirror.
DAN (with a smile) Well there you have it.
BARRY:
I'd tell them her ideas are very close to mine. That's S why I want her on
my team.
DAN:
Even better. (Confidentially) Listen Barry we can't finance your rat-
sanity studies. You have to get that clear. But you'll have all the material
support we can give you for it.
BARRY:
You mean here? In this house?
DAN:
Stop dreaming Barry! I mean in Pennsylvania! Your rat studies are great
but they have to be a sideline. You can even take a team, like Miss Symes
here and the crazy doctor. You'll certainly be able to afford it. You know
Barry every bio-scientist in the world has a side-line he hopes is going to
attract heavy-duty: investment one day. I mean it's the norm!
BARRY:
So Is study rat-sanity in my spare time?
DAN:
That's it.
A silence between them during which SONYA
studies BARRY.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
DAN (cont.)
Would you agree to pursuing normal genetic researches on that basis?
BARRY:
Well, I'm not going to stop them going on am I?
DAN:
I think you may safely assume that Barry.
BARRY:
And it's what I've been doing all my life.
DAN:
I want to tell you something. You may not think SO but you're
putting genes on the map like no other geneticist ever did. Your
remarks make prime-time television. For one whole year we've been
trying to figure out how to get genetics into the public imagination, then
you come along!
BARRY:
And that's why you want me over there?
DAN:
That's right Barry.
BARRY:
And ifl do agree when would we go?
DAN:
There's no 'if Barry. You decide right now. And if the answer is OK we
step up to your apartment and use your phone because the president
is anxious to know the outcome.
BARRY:
So all this was planned!
DAN:
That's S right. He needs you there by the end oft this month.
BARRY:
But why?
DAN (finally exploding) Because you hit the headlines in the States!
SONYA:
Oh Batty, it wasn'tyour ninth life after all!
BARRY:
Seems not.
DAN:
We go ahead?
BARRY:
Yes.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
DAN:
Well, lead the way to your office my friend! And perhaps this young lady
could fix us a cup of coffee?
SONYA:
I'd be delighted.
DAN (clapping and on BARRY's shoulder as they leave) Here we go!
The scene is empty. Dr. Seymour comes in
stealthily downstage left. She peeps round the
corner of the arch, then tiptoes to the plinth and
opens it, stares inside, close the lid with care not to
make noise.
PEGGY comes in slowly downstage right. She
sees SEYMOUR's back with some surprise.
PEGGY:
Good morning.
SEYMOUR (jumping) Oh!
PEGGY:
You seem surprised.
SEYMOUR:
I-I-thought you were a rat!
PEGGY:
Really! You're the rat not me! So what are you doing here? It's still my
house!
SEYMOUR (with a shrug) It's just that I miss everything, I suppose. The speakers. Nancy
saying mum.
PEGGY (looking round) Yes. The old life's gone hasn'ti it?
They are interrupted by NANCY's voice below.
NANCY (off) Mum? Are you upstairs mum?
PEGGY (hurrying to the arch) Yes Nancy what is it?
NANCY comes puffing into view under the arch.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
NANCY (cont.) There's something funny goin' on down there! (Stopping at the sight of
SEYMOUR but only for a flash) There's a van come. And they ain'thalf
hefty mum! Two on 'em! Blimey!
PEGGY (keeping her voice down) Two what Nancy?
NANCY:
Two medicals!
PEGGY:
Medicals?
NANCY:
In white coats!
She stands where she can better see the staircase,
while PEGGY and SEYMOUR remain in the
room.
NANCY (cont.) That's how my uncle Wally was took away. He was doughy from birth
mum and the van had bars in the winders just like this one! (Listening)
They're coming up the stairs mum!
We hear heavy footsteps on the stairs. They reach
the landing close by, then they continue up.
PEGGY (turning on SEYMOUR) Beast!
NANCY (looking at her, than SEYMOUR) Why? Have they come for Mr. Barry then?
The footsteps reach the landing upstairs. There are
voices, all male. Then the footsteps are heard
again, augmented this time.
NANCY (cont., hushed) They're coming down mum.
The footsteps arrive on the landing again and
NANCY puts her hand up to her mouth in horror.
NANCY (cont.) Gawd almighty!
The footsteps continue down the stairs to the lower
floors.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
NANCY (cont.) Oh my Gawd (in tears)!
PEGGY:
What is it?
NANCY:
Mr. Barry mum. The Sunday Times woman was with him too. (Shaking
her head with mute tears) I don't care what you say about journalists,
mum, that one's loyal!
PEGGY (almost in tears, to SEYMOUR) You ought to be ashamed ofyourself!
NANCY (cont.) Taking Mr. Barry away like that! (Directing her words to
DR. SEYMOUR) It'sa crying shame, that's what it is!
SEYMOUR:
I didn't do anything! It must have been the hospital!
PEGGY (sharply) Run down and get a cab Nancy! Quick! We'll get him out!
NANCY rushes away in tears.
PEGGY (cont.) You see what you've done?
SEYMOUR:
I don't know who the men are! I've got nothing to do with it!
PEGGY:
I suppose it was me got on television and told the world he's a
raving lunatic! What kind of doctor is that? You should be stripped of
your Hippocratic oath! You knew they were coming! That's why you're
here!
SEYMOUR:
I CAN'T GET PEOPLE COMMITTED! Now calm yourself!
PEGGY:
Me calm! Look at you, you're falling apart! Don'ty you see your
hospital was watching you on television, you stupid interfering
fornicator!
In silence, awed by what is going on, BARRY and
SONYA have appeared in the archway with a
gingerly NANCY behind them. They watch and
listen with open mouths, as still as statues.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
PEGGY (cont.) Well listen to this, you've landed the world's top geneticist for ever in a
loony bin and, don'tyou turn away (pulling her back, for which she gets
a hefty shove) he'll be in a padded cell, they'll inject him with
antidepressants and he'll talk with fluffi in his mouth for the rest ofhis
days (as they push and shove at each other), he'll NEVER THINK
AGAIN!
A serious scuffle has started and BARRY,
suddenly returning to his senses, rushes forward.
BARRY:
Hetty! Peggy!
The two of them stand agape, their hair down in all
senses. Only NANCY'S voice penetrates the
silence.
NANCY (flatly, like an announcement) They thought them two men was to take you away
to a mental home, Mr. Barry.
SEYMOUR:
I never thought that!
NANCY:
Of course you did. You was in tears too!
A silence ofbusy brains.
BARRY:
They came to look at the cages. Lance Kenning sent them. From Gower
Street. Lab assistants.
SEYMOUR:
Oh Barry thank god you're here!
BARRY:
Surely you knew I couldn't be taken away just like that?
SONYA:
I think fear had a lot to do with it. Fear oflosing you.
SEYMOUR (turning on her) All right, we don'ti need a Greek chorus!
A ring at the front-door bell. They look at each
other. It rings again.
BARRY (to SONYA) You see? Those speakers would have been useful, (TO PEGGY)I


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
don't know why you had to dismantle them.
INSPECTOR (off, as he climbs the stairs) It's only me!
NANCY (miming her words with disgust)It's that copper!
THE INSPECTOR appears.
INSPECTOR (looking at the silent assembly) Excuse me. The front door was open.
(Turning to BARRY) Mr. Pillinger, I wonder if you and I could take a
walk together?
BARRY:
A walk?
INSPECTOR: To the station. The police station.
They all stand in silence.
BARRY:
Is this an arrest?
INSPECTOR: I don't like to use big words at this stage Mr. Pillinger.
BARRY:
What have I done wrong now?
INSPECTOR: Nothing wrong now Mr. Pillinger. I did warn you. I said please get a
licence. Within the day if possible. But you waited. And the law doesn't.
BARRY:
The cages are first class, the best in London!
INSPECTOR: I told you very clearly there was a question of a licence to practice
laboratory researches in a private house. And a question of having
animals here, captive animals, and a question also of experimenting on
these animals-
BARRY:
I don't do that!
INSPECTOR: From the legal point ofview you're experimenting with animals if
you give them full rein of the house and all the salad available and the
champagne! You had no right to take the rats from the Gower Street lab
in the first place. As a matter of fact London university are putting some


Maurice Rowdon GENES
urgent questions to Mr. Kenning at this moment. There is also the
tenants' association here in this street which is up in arms and may, in
their turn, sue not only you but Mr. Cutlass. This is all law Mr. Pillinger
and Itold you clearly the first day we met that your offences rendered
you arrestable and a prison sentence could ensue! Also the animal people
are up in arms! They're putting pressure on the RSPCA to go to law.
BARRY:
For not experimenting on animals?
INSPECTOR: For letting them loose among humans! Getting them drunk! Keeping
them in a basement. And this morning' S headline didn't help.
BARRY:
What was that?
INSPECTOR: BARRY PILLINGER JUDGED CRAZY.
BARRY:
You're arresting me for being crazy? Is that it?
INSPECTOR: Of course not!
BARRY:
Why bring it up then?
INSPECTOR: I'm here to get you to the station, not stand here arguing the point! I
would like to ask Mrs. Cutlass, unless your wife is here-
BARRY:
No she isn't.
INSPECTOR: Then please Mrs. Cutlass prepare a toothbrush and pyjamas and have
them sent to the station later today. just in case the questioning goes on
all night.
BARRY:
Couldn'tIjust slip upstairs and do that myself?
INSPECTOR: We must leave at once, now.
BARRY:
You've been told not to let me out ofyour sight, SO it is an arrest!
INSPECTOR: It will be ifyou stand there arguing the toss a minute longer!
BARRY:
Oh don't worry about my coming, that presents no difficulty at all! I just


Maurice Rowdon GENES
want to clarify the arrest issue since I'm still a free man!
INSPECTOR: I've been given the power of arrest Mr. Pillinger! Do you want me to
use it?
BARRY (to SONYA) Ifyou could possibly bring today's notes to the police station-
INSPECTOR: Ih hereby caution you-!
BARRY:
What do you mean, you hereby caution me? I'm being asked to take a
walk on the understanding that I'm really being arrested and apparently
before I'm charged and brought to trial I can't order my affairs first !
Well let me tell you something, I'm not about to surrender my rights and
I have every right to ask my assistant to help me continue my legitimate
researches wherever I may be-!
DAN has appeared from upstairs.
DAN:
I think the officer's getting impatient Barry. (Going to the INSPECTOR
and shaking him by the hand) I'm Dan Sutton, Pharmaceutical Genetics
Tandem. Do you mind ifI accompany you?
INSPECTOR: You mean as a witness sir? Not necessary at this stage.
DAN:
I'djust like to come as his employer in the United States.
INSPECTOR: Oh well sir ifyou can vouch for him!
DAN:
That I certainly can. (Looking at him) Are you OK?
INSPECTOR: As a matter of fact, sir, I'd rather like to cry (and his lips do
pucker).
DAN:
Barry has that kind of effect, officer.
INSPECTOR (nodding gloomily, then to BARRY) Do you really wish to come in your lab
coat sir?
BARRY:
Oh! There's a special uniform for arrest is there? Of course I want my lab
coat. It's a badge of my trade and I'm proud ofit. And it lets them know


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
at the station who they're cross-examining!
INSPECTOR (quietly) Yes Mr. Pillinger. (And this time tears are prevented only with great
difficulty) Only it might turn a little cold. (To PEGGY, in a whisper)
Send a blanket or two along!
DAN (as BARRY prepares another speech) Let's go Barry, think ofyour rats.
The three men walk off. DAN comes back.
DAN (cont.)
Ijust wanted to say thanks for a great evening Peggy.
PEGGY:
A pleasure Dan! You did say you're Barry's employer didn'tyou?
DAN:
I did.
PEGGY:
You mean no more rats?
DAN:
He'll be shipping them over.
PEGGY:
You're going to let him do his own research?
DAN:
He'll do that in his leisure hours. In working ones he's a geneticist like all
the rest.
PEGGY:
And he agreed?
DAN:
With your husband selling this house under his feet he has little
alternative, right? See you later Peggy!
He has gone.
DAN (cont., off) You'll get a contract in the post Dr. Seymour!
PEGGY (to SEYMOUR) What did that mean?
SONYA:
She'sj joining our team.
PEGGY:
You mean she's going too?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
SONYA:
I think so, yes.
PEGGY (to SEYMOUR) But you're employed by a hospital.
SEYMOUR:
No I'm not, I was sacked.
PEGGY:
Oh! (Seethingly) So you're going to get into my son in law's bed again
are you? In Pennsylvania this time! Well, you're bloody well mistaken!
And do you know why? Because my daughter' S going too! And the kids!
(Stalking off) I'll see to that right away!
SONYA and DR.SEYMOUR stand looking at
each other.
SONYA:
Sounds like everybody's moving.
SEYMOUR:
This one isn't. I love the way that Texan doesn't even ask me.
SONYA:
He told Barry you'd be ideal--you'd have two jobs---one watching the
rats' sanity and the other watching Barry's.
SEYMOUR:
And Barry was OK with that?
SONYA:
He seemed to be. In fact he said all geneticists need watching for their
sanity. Would you like a cup of coffee?
SEYMOUR:
Id certainly would. (As they go) There's just one thing I'd like to ask you.
SONYA:
Yes?
SEYMOUR:
How does all this square with Barry's conscience? I mean they're using
him aren't they? Cynically! He's going to do everything he's against!
SONYA:
But they've told him he can have his rat-lab as a side activity. So of
course he's happy. (As SEYMOUR stares at her) After all he is a
scientist.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
(TO ADD SOMEWHERE: I saw how stupid geneticists are. They studied this unbelievable system
oft the genes, which are an inbuilt promoter and informer of life moment by moment, with every
aspect ofthe life they guide and determine carefully allowed for, they studied the mitochondria cell
which talks a language unknown to the organism but is tolerated by the genes and happens to be the
link with the habitat which the genes must be guided by, and therefore that cell looks after the
metabolism of oxygen within the cell, seeing to the moment by moment life ofthe creature. And all
we geneticists felt when we saw this was a cocky sense oft triumph at having discovered it, and
utterly no wonder at all at the intelligence which devised and evolved it, and without any need for
our massacre of millions of animals to show us how it worked. All right then, we didn't work with
that intelligence, we did not study it to find out how best to live in its care, we promoted the world
we have, which is due for the divine chopper).


Maurice Rowdon GENES
smile) I can hear those drills as they tear up the bars of that bloody cage, I
can hear them crash down, it's like the most wonderful music I ever
heard...I can hear it now, very soft. It's soft like music.
And indeed we hear that steel crashing in
the distance, and the whine of the cutters,
very dimly, as he says, like music.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
DAN:
Do that please! I can use it in Baltimore. Was that you screaming as I
walked up the stairs?
ARTHUR:
Yes, it was. Martin was getting his cum-uppance.
NANCY (blaring) I'm downstairs, Mr. Cutlass.
DAN (seating himself, to MARTIN) Seems everybody here had a bad night!
ARTHUR:
Peggy and I had a good night but it only started at three in the morning--
we were brooming out the rats till then, they don't like brooms. Then we
sealed up the doors.
DAN:
You must be real happy I'm taking our genius off your hands.
ARTHUR:
I like Barry---why else would I have let him take my cellar over?
And above all he's our daughter's husband.
DAN:
That' s noble thinking, Arthur!
PEGGY (still wrapped up in her coffee) To me that sounds what Arthur would call bloody
silly.
DAN:
So you'll be happy to hear that the whole of Baltimore is panting for
your son-in-law's arrival.
PEGGY:
I'd drink to that ifit was last night.
ARTHUR:
You have to look on the bright side, Peggy--silver linings and SO forth.
That's what I'm doing! My cellar's been ruined---I mean I lost about
every vintage I had! An 1895 Beaune, very special, I opened it this
morning (shakes his head).
MARTIN:
Dead as a door nail?
ARTHUR (nodding) And all my cellar gone that way. Thank God I had the champagne for
Last night! From the bank, that was! We keep a supply there. Stands to
reason. Too hot. 172 rats, after all. And the cages. All that steel. A cellar
has to be quiet. Thousands of pounds gone. And do you know I don't
give a damn? I shall build up that cellar again. (Gazing before him with a


Maurice Rowdon GENES
divisible!
BARRY:
I miss her warmth. The cold round me woke me up. You know how it is.
MARTIN (still amused) I do Barry.
BARRY starts to go but comes back.
BARRY:
I've told my community no visits to the upper floors today, no getting
under mattresses.
PEGGY:
You would have done well to tell them that last night!
BARRY (To MARTIN) Thank you for giving me a second son.
MARTIN:
I didn't.
BARRY:
Oh yes you did. I spoke to your wife Helen this morning. I thought
Pamela might be down there, what's it called--Chumlet Hatch or
something? Anyway I told your Helen you were claiming paternity and
she said which child is this and I said the child your husband gave my
wife when she was staying with you last summer.
MARTIN (jumping up) You scatter-brained fool!
ARTHUR:
Shush. Not at this hour. And Barry did exactly the right thing.
BARRY goes out one way just as DAN comes in
from the other.
DAN:
See you later, Barry.
BARRY:
I'll be there.
MARTIN (to DAN) You'll be seeing him at the hotel?
DAN:
That's right---for the final stitch-up.
MARTIN:
It might be a chance for me to send a photographer over.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR (staring at him) Only for the length ofthe morning Martin. (Rising creakily)
Anyway, I must dress for the office. (Going) After all, I have to
finance all this.
A ring at the bell downstairs.
ARTHUR (slumping back, cont.) That' '1l be Dan.
NANCY (OVER) Is anybody up there mum?
PEGGY:
We're all here Nancy. Mr. Sutton knows where to come.
MARTIN coolly dials a number on his
mobile.
MARTIN:
It's Martin Fyffe, 8.30 a.m. Friday the twelfth. I think I've got just the
girl for the interview. Outrageous but with authority. She'll say he's sexy.
She also knows about commas and uses the word 'whom' sometimes. A
good balance. I'll be at the office later.
BARRY appears in the archway, tussled and in a
dressing gown.
BARRY:
You haven't seen Pamela have you?
MARTIN:
She slept with her mum. I was in your spare room SO she couldn'tsleep
there.
BARRY:
Why couldn't she sleep in her own bed?
MARTIN:
You were in it. So was Dr. Seymour.
BARRY:
Seymour went.
MARTIN:
How was Pamela to know that? Was she supposed to queue up for her
own bed?
BARRY:
Pamela and I are absolutely indivisible.
MARTIN (studying him with amusement) At this moment I think you are both highly


Maurice Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR (wandering) Anyway how could I NOT invite the rat-man ifthe ambassador was
coming solely to see him? And don't play the innocent. You're secretly
tickled. You want Barry Pillinger out oft the UK, old cock.
MARTIN:
More---I need him to stay away.
ARTHUR:
So you can have his wife to yourself! (Fixing him with a black Lethe
stare) Not a bloody hope! She wants to go with Pillinger and I want her to
go too.
PEGGY makes a suddenly ghostly appearance.
PEGGY:
And SO do I. (As she seats herself) I thought Dan was coming?
MARTIN:
So he is.
PEGGY:
Is there another cup there (seating herself).
ARTHUR:
Of course Peggy.
PEGGY:
Will Dan have had his?
ARTHUR:
Of course Peggy. You can have it all.
MARTIN slides her coffee across the bar and she
drinks it thirstily.
ARTHUR (cont., to MARTIN) I hear from my daughter that you' re trying to claim the child
she had with you
MARTIN:
My goodness, coffee does make the meek bold, doesn't it? Yes, there is a
little case of paternity.
ARTHUR:
Paternity my arse! Willy-nilly screwing doth not a father make.
PEGGY:
Quite right too!
MARTIN:
But I happen to be serious about this.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
MARTIN (cont.) You look off colour. Drink this (pushing his cup across). I slept in the
spare room.
ARTHUR (from the depths) There isn't one.
MARTIN:
In Barry's flat.
ARTHUR:
We call it the penthouse.
MARTIN:
Dan Sutton wants me to lay on an interview, by the way.
ARTHUR:
For whom?
MARTIN:
Your son-in-law. Five thousand words. Picture. It's a delicate mission. I
told him I didn't think Barry's Sunday magazine material.
ARTHUR:
I can tell you what material I think he is.
He drinks with decision.
ARTHUR (cont.) That Dr. Seymour made an exhibition of herselfI must say.
MARTIN:
Wouldn'tyou if you' 'd just slept with Barry Pillinger?
ARTHUR almost topples off his stool.
ARTHUR:
In Pamela's bed? Who told you?
MARTIN:
Barry!
ARTHUR:
A fat lot oft brain-shrinking she did. Anyway, she was drunk all night, I
don' t blame her in a bloody madhouse like this.
MARTIN:
And Barry actually invited her up!
ARTHUR:
My god, sex moves faster than money in this place (holding out a limp
cup and saucer). Of course that might be her way of dealing with a
madman.
MARTIN:
Since she's one herself.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
DAN:
Damn me, Barry, I like you---kind of!
BARRY:
Let'sg go.
Rats start up in his pockets.
DAN:
Hey! How come you have rats in your pockets?
BARRY:
I make new rats by thinking about it.
DAN:
You're playing with reality! Take me back to my nursing home!
They go off laughing.
Seven
The Japanese room the morning after. There is a
deep silence in the house. The mattresses and
cushions have been removed. Two bar stools and a
bar constitute a bizarre improvised arrangement,
upstage right.
ARTHUR is sitting on one of the stools, his legs
tucked up. He has last night's pants and shirt on
and that's all, apart from carpet slippers over bare
feet. He keeps nodding over the table.
MARTIN pads in bearing a tray full of coffee
things. He is in a dressing gown, with carpet
slippers.
MARTIN:
Cost me five quid. (Placing the tray carefully on the table) Only way of
getting Nancy out ofbed.
He pours the coffees.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
BARRY:
I never said that. I said How Can Our Genes Which Provide Us With Our
Goals Provide Us With The Goal To Modify Our Genes?
DAN:
Yes but Barry--excuse me---this is a kind of little test I have with
geniuses. What the hell are you talking about?
BARRY:
Dan, it takes anything up to a couple of million years to modify a gene
the safe way, the biological way. Humans have been doing it since they
made their appearance on earth. But genes don't offer a do-it-yourselfkit.
DAN:
Why not?
BARRY:
Because genes don't work that way. They work close to the nervous
system, watching and listening and adjusting. That's their job.
DAN:
Could you give me a kind of example?
BARRY:
Let's take the opossum in an environment that hasn't changed for fifty
thousand years, like on the island of Sapelo. She lives in trees and has the
rat's long tail. And she has a very long life span. Now let's examine an
opossum in a heavy industrial area where she's regularly run down by
articulated trucks. She has a high mortality rate and this is noticed by the
genes, which then start a mutation towards a shorter life. Now we human are
in a similar situation. We have short lives. Take a man of eighty. That's
supposed to be old but it' S no fewer than sixty years younger than a human's
full life capacity! That's because we're out of synch. So we create more and
more things that are out of synch. We can't feed ourselves efficiently sO we
need trucks and planes and refrigeration and radiation. And we're trying to
adjust our genes to all that! It's crazy!
DAN:
So where do your rats come in?
BARRY:
I'm observing SANE behaviour! And I'm seeing how rats react to MAD
behaviour, like my rats tonight--among humans maddened by drink!
Which reminds me.
DAN:
Yes?
BARRY (taking his arm) You're in jet lag and need another whisky.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
DAN:
Look at this---my god daughter! I've been looking for you everywhere.
PAMELA (as they embrace) I've had such a lovely sleep---what' S all the racket downstairs?
DAN:
Oh, they'rejust silly---a few rats between their legs (with a hint ofthe private
laugh)! Where do you manage to sleep in this house?
PAMELA: Oh, upstairs in our penthouse. No noise penetrates. And no rats, thank
goodness.
DAN:
You mean you don't t have rats in your kitchen or at least your bedroom?
PAMELA: Rats! You don't think Barry'd have rats up there do you? A rat's never SO
much as put its nose in there! Not likely! And don't forget we eat there too!
The rats are quite capable ofjumping on the table---not for us, I'm afraid!
DAN:
Yeah, well I suppose you have to draw the line somewhere.
BARRY:
I should think we do, experimenting with them all day yes, but in your living
quarters?
PAMELA (with a secret smile at DAN) I do believe Dan secretly thinks it's unfair of us to
unloose them on others.
BARRY:
I'm sure it's unfair! But experiments are experiments and that's that!
PAMELA (as DAN and she burst into laughter) You're damn right too!
Under the influence of BARRY's persistent
whistling the noise abates and they all stand
listening gratefully to the silence.
PAMELA: I think I'll get a dress on and circulate a bit, mummy gets SO wound up
otherwise (kissing DAN)!
She leaves.
DAN:
OK, now we're alone let's get down to the small print, Barry. I've read a
number ofyour papers and of course I especially liked your question How
Can Genes Provide Us With Our Goal to Modify Our Genes?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
He leaves with a wave.
BARRY (cont., with refreshing ease) He's as tight as an owl, best thing for him. As for that
psychiatrist she's imagining them climb her legs, I mean they wouldn't dream
of exploring that red-hot zone! And as a matter of fact they're all back in their
cages.
DAN (to BARRY) Well you certainly cleared 'em out good and straight.
BARRY: Trademark and Fickle Lilly are born trouble-makers, it starts all the rest off.
(With a shrug) Well, we all have our little games to play don't we?
DAN (after a quick burst of his private laugh) We certainly do Barry!
NANCY (OVER) Mum they're in the blancmange (pronounced blermonge), it's one little
bugger, it sets all the others orf! Oh, my lord, there's three in the trifle!
I think it's that pregnant one starts 'em orf between you and me, she'll
lose her brood if she's not careful!
BARRY:
You hear that? Nancy observes their behaviour correctly, and with
sympathy, she calls the rat 'she', she even gets the sex right! Not SO long
ago she was hysterical on the subject. Did you hear the edge of concern
in her voice? She's concerned at Mrs.Ferdinand getting drunk.
DAN (breathy with trying to keep the private laugh down) I thought you had an agreement
with your mother-in-law not to let the rats loose tonight?
BARRY:
And rob my rats oft the best chance they've ever had ofhuman company?
Not me! The trouble is not whether my rats are good for humans but
whether drunk humans aren't catching for rats!
DAN (above the din) What could they catch, a taste for liquor?
BARRY:
You didn'tl know that madness was catching? Look how much of it there
is in the world!
DAN (allowing time in which to study him) I hear you! I hear you!
PAMELA strolls in looking sleepy and rested, and
still in her dressing gown.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
Oh my God, do you want me to call the doctor and get you an injection?
DAN:
No, honey---it was quite a friendly bite, you know the kind of little nip
that lovers exchange?
PEGGY:
Oh dear, you've caught the bug too! The Pillinger bug!
ARTHUR rushes in, dressed to a T.
ARTHUR:
Sorry not to be at the door Dan (as they embrace and clap shoulders
mutually).
They both dash out again as more shouts and
screams of alarm come from below.
She dashes out again. MARTIN is thirstily
downing a glass of champagne at the drinks table.
DR. SEYMOUR dashes in, her skirt held up
round her legs, her shoes gone.
MARTIN:
Are you OK?
SEYMOUR:
Tried to get up my--my--my--
MARTIN:
Oh Dan, this is Dr. Seymour---
DAN:
Hi! Are you helping to dress all the wounds doctor?
SEYMOUR (grabbing a glass of champagne) Psy-psy-psy-chiatry!
She disappears.
DAN:
This is like a dream!
BARRY:
Exactly! With genes designing the plot!
MARTIN:
I think I'll try the food downstairs---it's the best catering firm in Mayfair,
then I'll flirt with the psychiatrist, SO long fellers!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
when insemination takes place! We're all going round being nine months
younger than we really are!
DAN (sternly) Now listen Barry you're dragging up stuff about a close friend of mine.
And I won'thave that! I don't want to hear about his private business,
you understand that?
BARRY:
But that's what I'm saying, it's not his private business because the genes
hold us all together, like his wife's genes and his genes hold them
together, he does all this philandering but his only love is out there in
Toflin Hatchet or whatever he calls his country estate, it's where the love
ofhis life lives---they swoon with love for each other---what I'm saying
is all God's truth and Martin will tell you if it is or not.
DAN (to MARTIN) Is Barry telling the truth, friend?
MARTIN (with composure, almost as ifhe sees the funny side ofhis own affairs) Barry
always tells the truth. That' s his problem.
BARRY:
Exactly! T just let my genes speak! Dan, it isn't that I'm clever or have
anything against Martin---as Peggy always says, he has the sweetest eyes
of any man alive!
DAN (with a quick very private laugh, then sober again) Well, Martin, I guess we're
treading deeper and deeper into the Barry Pillinger world (the non-public
laugh again).
He seizes BARRY in a hug that momentarily hides
BARRY from us just as PEGGY dashes in.
PEGGY :
Dan! I'm SO sorry! A little crisis getting ready! How are you?
DAN (as they hug and kiss) Well. rats will be rats, how are you Peggy?
PEGGY:
He promised me most solemnly he wouldn'tlet any go tonight---ofall
nights, with the ambassador on his way!
DAN:
Oh, ambassadors see more than you think, Peggy. And as for Barry's rats,
one gave me a bite in the ass!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
They swing round and stare at him. SEYMOUR,
failing to locate any drink, disappears.
MARTIN:
Loose rats are the trouble!
BARRY (watching the mattresses) I think I know those three. One of them's Mrs.
Ferdinand. The big one. She's pregnant. (Approaching the mattresses)
Now come on you lot, it's feed time.
He blows his whistle and the rats at once go
immobile. He picks up the mattresses and they are
gone in three flashes and a squeak.
A split second later all hell is breaking loose
outside screams, chiefly women, male yells
hoping for rational control and feet scrambling on
the stairs.
NANCY (off) Mum! Mum! There's rats in the Buffet (rhyming it with 'rough-it'),
they're on the table mum, oh blimey they're in the aspic mum!
BARRY:
Hullo Dan, you're looking baffled. I'll clear it all up at once. You see,
genes are exciting Dan! Look at Martin down there! I'm now going to
show you how genes look after us all! He'sjust given my wife a baby
and he wants that baby for his own but what I'm saying is that this baby
is in my wife's womb and therefore it's me who brings the baby up and
SO that's s what I'm doing!
During this speech MARTIN is gradually drawn
out of his rat concern to listen to BARRY.
BARRY (cont.) Let me put it another way---I make his baby my own, or rather my genes
do it for me! Every day I'm looking into my wife's eyes---I'm listening at
her belly, the third month when the baby turns is almost due, it's a girl by
the way and old Martin doesn't know it! So what am I doing? You don't
what I'm doing? I'm ensuring that that baby will look like me in every
respect! Because the baby in the womb is already alive and listening!
She's in touch with me, with her daddy, though Martin says she's not my
baby! We should thus measure our birth not when the baby pops out but


Maurice Rowdon GENES
DAN:
Does he mean right down in spirit or in person? This is some house,
huh?
BARRY enters right away, dressed not in his lab
coat but worsted pants and an elegant silk roll-
neck--though his whistle is still there.
One of the rats makes a sudden dart to the edge of
a mattress and MARTIN throws himself on it,
trying to encircle it the more it darts about.
MARTIN (calling up to DAN) Get hold of your mattress! (Frantically trying to press down
the mattress edges) Get your rats Dan!
DAN (clutching MARTIN's jacket from behind and trying to drag him up) What the hell
are you doing? Leave 'em alone! These are research rats! Ten thousand
dollars apiece maybe! Lay off! Lay off Martin! Let em go!
BARRY stares at them with deep composure.
SEYMOUR appears, left, glass in hand, and
stands watching the mattress drama with slow
dopy interest.
MARTIN (still struggling) They're rats like other rats! (Trying to clamber over
both mattresses) They'll infest the house!
DAN (tugging at him) The future of mankind may lie there, now get up!
In one determined yank he pulls MARTIN to his
feet.
DAN (cont., wiping his face down) You hacks are crazy! You want to live for a
thousand years or not?
MARTIN:
Listen Dan I met those rats downstairs, they go for your legs, they're to
get up women's--!
DAN:
Phooey! You're talking sewer rats!
BARRY (with quiet calm) What exactly is the trouble?


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
He did. 172 ofthem. And guess where that 172 are now?
DAN:
Where?
MARTIN:
In this house!
DAN:
Son of a bitch, he's twenty years too late! This belongs to animal studies!
They stare at the three humped forms as they slide,
go forward, retreat, two under DAN's mattress,
one under MARTIN's.
DAN (cont.)
Listen I have to keep an open mind here. Barry Pillinger is on to new
stuff, but these guys don't belong in a party, did you know they get
viruses this way?
MARTIN:
Humans? I bet they do---
DAN:
No, the rats do! Humans are lethal for rats, you didn't know that?
BARRY (OVER) That's very interesting Dan but my rats are different! They love humans
and humans with any brains love them!
DAN looks about for the voice, he stares.
DAN:
Where the hell did that come from?
MARTIN:
It's Peggy's speakers. They're all over the house SO we can all talk to
each other.
DAN:
She enjoys other people's privacy huh?
MARTIN:
She probably heard what you said.
DAN:
How come we don't hear her?
BARRY (OVER) Oh, I've arranged that, I'm the only person in the house who knows how
The damn thing works, SO the only connection tonight is between where
you are and my bedroom. By the way. I'll be right down.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
define. He becomes slightly rigid, more
thoughtful. MARTIN glances at him.
MARTIN:
Anything wrong?
DAN:
Muscles in my back. Kind of twitching. Jet lag. Now they say to beat jet
lag you have to think like it was eight hours back, which means I've just
finished my energy lunch and I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed but I ain't!
(Suddenly staring before him) I!
He is on his feet in one bigjump, holding the back
of his pants.
DAN (cont.)
Somebody pinched my ass!
MARTIN (sitting up with a jerk) It's a rat!
DAN:
A rat?
MARTIN:
There it is!
And indeed there is humped movement under
DAN's mattress.
MARTIN (cont.) There's another one (jumping to his feet)!
DAN:
And where do they come from for christsakes?
MARTIN:
They're Barry Pillinger's 's!
DAN:
He has rats?
MARTIN:
Cages full of 'em! In the basement!
DAN:
What' S he doing with rats?
MARTIN:
He's brought them all here, from Gower Street!
DAN:
Gower Street don' t handle rats!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
They lie there placid against the cushions.
DAN:
You know what started the noise about Barry Pillinger? A paper
he wrote called How Can Genes Which Provide Us With Our
Goals Give Us the Goal to Modify Our Genes? Some title huh?
It set everybody alight.
MARTIN:
In other words we're guided by our genes even when we try to
fiddle with them.
DAN:
Well listen to that! A hack understands a sentence of more than ten
words!
MARTIN:
I'll go further. He's saying we need to study our genes from a
non-experimental angle.
DAN:
This is fantastic! What you've just said is dumb but you're getting close!
(Moving further toward him) Listen to me carefully, because this is
where you come in. Science isn't the hype word it was even ten years
ago, too many things have gone wrong, there's too much of it anyway.
Science needs to change, it needs new personalities. Would you say that
Barry Pillinger is an extravagant kind of personage Martin?
MARTIN:
Oh, more---I'd say he's the schizophrenic mutation in the de-
oxy-ribo-nucleic acid to infinity.
DAN (who has cleverly drawn out DAN's true feeling) Oh what a bitch we have here! And
an informed one! One who does his bio-chemical homework! OK this is
what I have in mind for you to do. Put that personage on the world stage
Martin.
MARTIN:
Not my job or interest I'm afraid. I can start the ball rolling but I
can't guarantee outcomes. Anyway it's better done in the States.
DAN:
Wrong again. It's a small pool here, SO you get more concentration, your
papers prefer people on the spot. That's all I need from you, sweet man.
(Stretching and yawning) I could sure handle a lullaby.
He gazes before him dreamily. He begins blinking.
He seems to be aware of something he can't


Maurice Rowdon GENES
NANCY:
There you are Mister.
DAN:
You're the sweetest thing.
NANCY:
Now then!
She rushes out again.
DAN:
Well, here goes (they touch glasses and drink).
He pats the other mattress.
DAN (cont.)
Why don'tyou join me?
MARTIN (lowering himself onto the other one) Mm, it feels good!
DAN:
This Peggy Cutlass knows something.
He drinks contentedly.
DAN (cont., nodding at the intercom plinth) That don't look Japanese.
MARTIN:
It's for loudspeakers.
DAN:
Loudspeakers?
MARTIN:
They have speakers in every room. You just talk and your voice goes all
over the house.
DAN:
She likes other people's privacy huh?
They enjoy this.
MARTIN (pointing to the ceiling) Mikes everywhere.
DAN:
We're on air right this minute?
MARTIN:
It could well be.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
He'll be up, he was late from the office. This was all SO very
sudden Dan.
DAN:
I'll say! I thought ifI don't move on this project right now it'll die.
You know how hunch-motivated I am, I thought somebody else'll grab
him ifI don't.
MARTIN:
Grab who?
DAN:
Why, Barry Pillinger of course!
MARTIN:
Pillinger?
DAN:
Reading your mind I'd say you think he isn't a big enough name.
MARTIN:
That, certainly.
DAN:
Well I'm going to set you right about that. There are more people talking
about Barry Pillinger in the genetic field than there are people not talking
about him. That's a big change from six months ago!
MARTIN:
Ifyou say SO.
DAN:
I mean six months ago he was Arthur's son-in-law huh? That was it.
Now he's world news. (Looking about him) Are there chairs around
here?
MARTIN:
Peggy's not into chairs at this point oft time. She's gone Japanese.
DAN (as the noise increases outside) How many people here for christsakes? I had to fight
my way up. My feet are killing me. (Looking at the mattresses) We're
supposed to lie down then?
MARTIN (with a shrug) Well it is the Japanese room.
DAN:
Lying down's ancient Rome, not Tokyo. (As he lowers himself to one of
the mattresses) Get your history straight, you old hack.
NANCY rushes in with the whisky.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
BARRY:
Then whisk him past their bedroom!
She nods and disappears. BARRY makes a very
soft call on his whistle.
BARRY (cont.) Now just you behave, you chaps. Dan Sutton' s very special.
MARTIN FYFFE appears.
MARTIN:
Dan's on his way up with Nancy. You'd better get out of that lab coat.
BARRY:
Just what I'm going to do.
He hurries away.
NANCY puffs her way in with DAN SUTTON, a
large sandy comfortable Texan. It would take a lot
to faze him, much less erode his charm.
NANCY:
There you are, this is the Japanese room!
DAN:
Thank you, what' S your name?
NANCY:
Nancy.
DAN:
Well, Nancy, could you fix me a whisky and soda?
NANCY:
I certainly could! I don' 't blame you either, that other stuff goes right up
your nose!
She is gone.
MARTIN:
Dan!
DAN (swinging round) Well, look who's here! (As they clap their arms round each other)
How's life down at Chumley Keep
MARTIN:
You' re invited for next weekend ifyou're about.
DAN:
I count a week-end at the old Keep paradise. Where's the boss?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
late stage is please be patient, my rats won' t harm let you down, they are
SO docile they would sleep quite peacefully in your beds fyou let them.
PEGGY (to ARTHUR) What is this man going to say next?
ARTHUR:
IfIknow him he'd like us to have all the rats in our bedroom while the
party's on!
BARRY:
Do you think that's a possibility?
PEGGY:
Oh, that would be simply lovely--until they want what my husband
would call a good shit, then they'd scream to be let out wouldn't they?
BARRY:
I'm glad you understand how disciplined they are, I mean they'd never
shit in your bedroom! Ifyou could bear with me a little longer---if only to
help Pamela and me to get to Baltimore, you'll want to see Baltimore
when you come to visit us, it's such a lovely place and as to the
countryside where the old houses have been kept with such pride---!
PEGGY:
Come on Arthur, this is turning into a bloody guided tour!
ARTHUR (as she leaves, mouthing his words to BARRY) Put a spell on him Barry!
BARRY:
On who?
ARTHUR:
Dan Sutton of course!
He follows PEGGY off.
BARRY (to himself) That' S exactly what I'm going to do!
NANCY rushes in.
NANCY (her voice hushed) I 'eard all that, Mr. Barry---the American gentleman 's
downstairs. He said where is everybody, shall I bring him up here?
BARRY (also in a whisper) Yes Nancy, please do! But where did Peggy and Arthur go?
NANCY (mouthing it) To their bedroom to get dressed!


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
lavatory?
BARRY:
Well of course, Peggy.
PEGGY:
And where is the lavatory, pray?
BARRY:
In their cage, naturally.
ARTHUR:
In my bloody wine cellar you mean!
PEGGY:
So here are you calling them upstairs with that blow thing you've got
round your neck and they get SO excited they have to run all the way
downstairs again to get to a pee or worse!
BARRY:
All my whistle means is keep calm, I'm afraid.
PEGGY:
Indeed! While all the human population has a nervous breakdown!
BARRY:
My researches took control of me and I apologise but (with a shrug)
that's why Dan Sutton's coming tonight.
ARTHUR:
So it's as much of a problem for you too!
BARRY:
Yes.
PEGGY:
Well listen to that!
BARRY:
The best thing to do tonight is look on the bright side and accept their
company should they intrude.
ARTHUR:
Accept the company of rats? Most of these people have never seen one
rat, let alone 172!
BARRY:
Well, perhaps when they see them romping and taking their playful little
bites of each other it'll change their views.
PEGGY:
And what if our guests have heart failure on a massive scale?
BARRY:
You see, my programme got bigger than I was. And for a long time I
didn't know where I was going, I confess it and all I can say at this


Maurice Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR:
Are their parties always like this?
PAMELA:
Peggy asks everybody, hairdressers, cab drivers. (To SEYMOUR) Who
are you by the way?
SEYMOUR:
I'm Dr. Seymour. Psychiatrist. I've just learned from your mother that I
shouldn't be here.
She disappears. At that moment MARTIN FYFFE
hurries in with a full tray.
PEGGY (OVER) Pamela? Are you anywhere? Your father and I have got to see Barry right
away, this has gone too far!
PAMELA:
How do I know where he is? The speakers don' 't reach to our bedroom!
BARRY (OVER, with refreshing calm) Of course they do, only I turn them off. I'll be right
down Peggy but I have to know where.
PEGGY:
In the Japanese room. My husband and I would like a word.
PEGGY and ARTHUR appear almost at once, on
the war-path. He is in his shirt sleeves. BARRY
appears too from the opposite side ofthe archway,
a picture of freshness and calm.
PEGGY (cont., in the full vent ofl her indignation) I'd like to know what's going to happen
when what my husband would call your bloody whistle, which
incidentally sounds like the Last Trump gone wrong---that thing you
wear round your neck morning noon and night and all it does is rouse
your rats up to mischief and my husband and I want to know what the
hell is going to happen tonight with guests pouring in, more
especially as you're always telling that your rats love people! They
certainly love us all right, we had to get rid of them with brooms last
night, they took our bedroom over!
ARTHUR:
Another thing, Dan Sutton's going to have you bloody-well certified if
you're not careful. So stop behaving like a madman!
PEGGY (cutting him off) I'd like to know one thing, do your rats ever want to go to the


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
You're quite right, it's foul (putting the glass back).
SEYMOUR drifts in again and makes for the
drinks table with her empty glass. PEGGY stares
at her with astonishment.
PEGGY (to SEYMOUR) This is unexpected. You weren'tinvited!
SEYMOUR (trying to get out) Your son in law invited me.
PEGGY (icily) Oh well, since the party's S in his honour.
MARTIN (sitting opposite PAMELA) I'm going to imitate your daughter and rest my
limbs.
The sound of guests outside begins to grow.
NANCY (off and approaching)There's people don't know where to go mum!
PEGGY (going to the arch) I told you, down there!
NANCY (appearing) There's no drink down there!
PEGGY (leaving) Then take it from up here!
NANCY seizes the champagne tray just as
SEYMOUR reaches for the bottle.
NANCY:
Mr. Fyffe! You'll have to get more champagne for this room!!
MARTIN (jumping up) You bring that back here!
NANCY:
Just as you say but the wine down there's been wolfed up!
MARTIN:
Then let 'em go without for a bit!
SEYMOUR watches all this with a tiddly attempt
at fact-finding interest.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR (with a slightly trembling lip) I try to fight for my sanity.
MARTIN:
You mean disguise your little madnesses, like being sweet on Barry!
PAMELA pops in, actor' S left, in a dressing gown.
SEYMOUR (putting down her glass) I'd better circulate.
She slides off.
MARTIN:
I don'tl know how Barry does it.
PAMELA:
Does what?
MARTIN:
Get women to fall in love with him. You look tired.
PAMELA:
I'm not at all tired. Just relaxed, as no one else seems to be.
MARTIN (kissing her) Let me get you a drink, darling.
PEGGY comes in through the arch in a black and
white robe hot in decolletée. We hear growing
sounds from below as new guests arrive.
PEGGY:
Pamela, you surely aren't still waiting for your shower? I mean with Dan
Sutton, coming, and he is your godfather after all!
PAMELA:
I've just had a shower! (Slumping into a chair) Now stop worrying,
mummy.
PEGGY:
But suppose a guest comes in! Where is your father?
MARTIN:
Peggy, you look beyond belief (as they embrace)! Have a glass of
Arthur's fizz.
PEGGY:
Thank you Martin.
MARTIN (raising his glass) To two lovely women.
They drink but PEGGY all but spits hers out.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR:
Thank you.
He pours two glasses.
MARTIN (handing her a glass) I always say my taste buds are wine-snobs! (As they sip)
Not bad is it?
SEYMOUR:
Excellent. Could be colder.
MARTIN:
Rubbish, this has to be cellar temperature, or a good imitation, like
putting it in the fridge.
SEYMOUR:
I believe London cellars are about five degrees higher than country ones.
MARTIN:
There speaks the doctor! You must be the lady who's going to join
Barry's project.
SEYMOUR:
First I heard of it. What project's that?
LANCE:
He says you're going to observe his rat community when he moves to the
States.
SEYMOUR:
It's good he didn't tell me, I might have told him where to get off And
his rats.
MARTIN:
You've a grievance against him?
SEYMOUR:
Not at all. I happen not to be joining any rat-projects.
MARTIN:
Are you sure you aren'ta a little attracted? Women do fall for him like
skittles. (Forestalling her denial) Haven'tI read somewhere that you're
an ardent follower off R.D.Laing?
SEYMOUR:
I've studied him, yes.
MARTIN:
Didn't Laing say ifyou're beaten by madness join it?
SEYMOUR:
No he didn't. But he easily could have.
MARTIN:
'If you find a madman you must become one'?


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
MARTIN helps himself to a drink but
after the first sip he holds the glass up
and gazes at it with suspicion. He goes to
the archway.
MARTIN:
Nancy! Where are you? Nancy!
NANCY (off) Third floor up and coming down!
He waits for her at the archway, glass in hand. She
comes puffing along.
MARTIN (holding up the glass) Where did this come from? It's white wine with bubbles!
NANCY:
I spat it out myself.
MARTIN:
Listen, he's got some vintage Dom Perignon in his bedroom, his
Cupboard's got crates ofit, let's brave the rats and bring it up.
Meanwhile take this piss away.
She grabs the tray and as she passes he puts his
glass on it.
NANCY (as they go out) As long as he don't come down on me afterwards.
HEATHER SEYMOUR comes in, also from
the right. She is dressed in muted evening shades.
She looks at the champagne flutes and looks for
drinks round the back of the tray,
MARTIN FYFFE returns with a new tray of
champagne.
MARTIN (as he takes the tray to the table) Hullo I don't think I know you.
SEYNOUR:
I'm Dr. Seymour.
MARTIN (as they shake hands) Ah yes. From the Malmsey, aren'tyou? I'm Martin Fyffe,
newspaper wallah. What about some Dom Perignon?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR (cont.) The American ambassador's definitely on.
PEGGY:
What? Well that settles it! (Looking at her sequins) I can't wear this! (On
her way out) Nancy! Bring Mr. Cutlass' s jacket up please! Where are
you?
NANCY (off) The first floor coming up! Mr. Fyffe's here mum! Bloody stairs.
PEGGY (to PAMELA) What are you wearing tonight?
PAMELA:
I usually leave it to Barry.
PEGGY:
I'm the same with Arthur, then I go for the opposite. (A whisper into
ARTHUR's ear) Tell Martin I'm dressing.
She leaves.
ARTHUR (calling from the archway) We're up here Martin! (To PAMELA) How
do you like the bubbly?
PAMELA:
A bit funny.
ARTHUR:
It'll grow. Well all this is for your husband, I hope it feels good.
PAMELA:
We'll have to see.
ARTHUR:
Exactly. (As MARTIN comes in). Ah Martin!
MARTIN is in elegant yet casual evening attire.
ARTHUR:
Is this right about the ambassador coming?
MARTIN:
It's what I heard. Dan Sutton's on his way.
PAMELA:
Hullo Martin. I'm in a rush.
ARTHUR (also going) See you in a jiffy.
PAMELA and ARTHUR hurry off.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PAMELA:
Ifthis room is for family only why is that notice there (indicating the one
above the drinks table)?
PEGGY:
As a matter of fact it should have gone into the Buffet room.
NANCY:
You can't take it down now mum. You told the workmen to screw it in
good and hard. You'll have half the wall down ifyou try and take that
off.
She leaves.
PEGGY:
Oh dear (kissing PAMELA) I'm SO nervous, I hope it's going to be all
right. You're always SO placid. (Calling out) Nancy you'd better go down
to the front door, they'll be coming in droves as usual. And please don't
call me mum tonight, we've got Americans coming and they don't
believe in servants.
NANCY (coming back) It's because my mum was in service, she always said
mum, really she said 'mmm', , like 'yes'm'-
PEGGY:
Yes we know Nancy.
NANCY:
It's not really saying you're my mum, it's mmm, it's short for madam. I
think I can hear somebody mum! (Going, with a quite tremendous
bellow) I'm coming!
PAMELA:
This champagne doesn' t taste at all like Dom Perignon!
PEGGY:
What you're drinking's a poison called Blanc de Champagne, he
says it's the same as champagne only a fraction ofthe price.
ARTHUR (off, calling from above) Peggy! My dinner jacket's gone!
PEGGY (going to the archway) Nancy! Where's Mr. Cutlass's jacket?
NANCY (off, below) It's in the kitchen airing mum!
ARTHUR (off, as he comes down) Airing my foot, it's getting all the kitchen smells!
He puts his nose round the arch in his shirt sleeves.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
She is about to leave by the archway when
PAMELA appears, right, in outdoor clothes, with
a briefcase.
PAMELA:
Is that fizz?
NANCY:
I don'tl know what it is my dear, all I know is it goes up your nose.
PAMELA takes a glass and samples it.
PAMELA:
I'm used to it. They dab a fingertip ofit on your tongue when you're
three in this household. (Looking at the glass with distaste) Its deadly.
Are we on relay?
NANCY:
Not tonight. Mr. Barry took it off for your mum. She said they made an
agreement he wouldn' 'tl let the rats out on party night.
PAMELA:
He says he never lets them out, they just get loose.
NANCY (miming the words with a huge conspiratorial grimace) I've seen him do it!
PEGGY appears from the archway, dressed in a
hail of sequins balanced on winkle pickers, yet
with measure.
PEGGY:
Nancy this room's for family only, don't forget. And special guests like
Mr. Dan Sutton. You'll see a Private notice over the corridor.
PAMELA:
Won't that be a bit of a put-off, right over the stairs like that?
PEGGY:
Well I can'th have all and sundry in here can I darling? Especially ifthe
American ambassador comes. Well, this is the most unwilling party I've
ever given, I do hope Barry's getting ready. What you do Nancy is steer
everyone towards the Buffet room.
NANCY:
Is that the sandwiches room mum?
PEGGY:
Yes.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
your skirt, stand up. (Shouts) Go on, stand up. (Gasping as she does so)
What an extraordinary creature! Stand exactly where you are. I shall lift
you up the stairs, to peace! I'll never let you be afraid again! Will I?
SEYMOUR:
He goes towards her (still the pockets don'tmove
though his hands are free). He puts his arms round
her and lifts her by clasping the chaps of her
behind. He carries her through the arch backwards
SO that we see, as she clings to him, that her eyes
are squeezed tight shut. They disappear through
the arch.
Six
Frank Sinatra is sounding through the house. This
is the night of the party and we are still in the
Japanese room. The two mattresses are there, only
piled high with sumptuous cushions against the
back wall. The only new item is a table with an
antique lace cover in the corner upstage left.
Above it, on the wall, is an elegantly printed notice
in burgundy red, PLEASE TAKE A GLASS. But
the table is empty. The bar-chauvinism music
continues.
NANCY comes in actor's right bearing a tray of
champagne flutes already filled. She has been
dressed for this occasion in Victorian starch and
black worsted but it takes nothing from her
flaming fat red cheeks and immense voice. She
crosses and puts the tray down on the corner table.
NANCY (gasping for breath) Why the 'ell she can't put a lift in I shall never know!
(Depositing the tray) Cussedness I suppose!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
She obeys tremulously.
BARRY (cont., bending down to her eye level) You see, I'm deep in a new project and I
don'tl have time to be put away. My project concerns a certain mutation in
the human brain. Now this mutation is pure and simple dementia,
humans are the first and hopefully last congenitally crazy animal.
Excuse me doctor!---do you know what picture you are presenting to me
at this moment?
SEYMOUR (words jumping like rats) N-n-no I don't.
BARRY:
The eyes in shock, digital trembling, raised shoulders, mouth open! And
on what grounds are you suddenly mad? On the grounds of a fantasy
about creatures with legs and feet and brains and spinally hung systems
of nerves exactly like yourself?
She stares at him with fear.
He looks at the four shoes on the floor with sudden
interest. He stops.
BARRY (cont.) Look! Shoes! Let me guess whose are Peggy's and whose are yours.
He runs to them and without disturbing his
pockets kneels to smell them. He then picks one
up by the teeth. He buries his nose deep in it.
Meanwhile the rats are quiet, and SO is the one
under the mattress. She stares at him.
BARRY (cont.) Ah! (Gazing at her, then talking through the shoe in his teeth) So
that' S it! (Smelling again) My god! (Letting the shoe fall from
his teeth) Peggy's could never be that sensual! (Gazing up at her
with awe).
She is terrified of imminent rat activity as she
watches him rise again.
BARRY (cont.) You see how quiet they are? They can feel my pleasure. Come my dear,
let me take you upstairs, away from these terrors. My wife has just gone
to work, the bed is still warm. Lower your legs, take your hands from


Maurice Rowdon GENES
flashed by or was it just a squeak? BARRY at
once lets his pockets go and rushes to the arch-
BARRY (cont., his coat flapping away) That was Mrs. Ferdinand! She's pregnant,
enormously. Should be resting! (Returning and putting his hands back
over his pockets) You'd better sit down again.
He picks up the fallen chair with one
hand and of course this sets one ofthe
pockets jumping. With the chair upright
once more he almost pushes SEYMOUR
onto it, then quickly puts his hand back
to the flying pocket.
BARRY (cont.) Been sensitive like this for long?
She nods mutely.
BARRY (cont.) Before the childhood horror of rats I mean?
Again she nods.
BARRY (cont.) You were born with horror. Of everything. That right?
Yet again her child-like nod.
BARRY (cont.) I heard what Mrs. Cutlass had to say about me. So you're trying to get me
put away are you?
SEYMOUR (with the shivers, watching his pockets) I W-W-W-wouldn't say that.
BARRY:
What do you mean, you wouldn't say it? I heard everything
she said!
SEYMOUR (her words jumping) It was Mr. C-C-Cutlass who got in touch with me. I was
given only a V-V-v-vague idea ofwhat I'm to do.
BARRY:
Well let me tell you absolutely straight- (shouting) and look me in the
eyes!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
she wanted to. She has eyes for only one thing, the
mattress. The long pauses in the rat's movements
make it worse, as do its occasional little jumps
that raise the mattress momentarily. They trigger
similar jumps in SEYMOUR.
BARRY appears in his lab coat, down left. He
stands watching her. He has his hands on his
pockets.
BARRY:
Are you the doctor?
This incursion nearly tips her off the chair again.
SEYMOUR:
I'm t-t-terrified of rats, a ch-ch-childhood thing.
BARRY:
I'm Barry Pillinger.
SEYMOUR:
The ge-ge-ge-gene-
BARRY:
Yes. Look, it's no use having your legs up like that. If a rat wants to
climb up your legs it will. And it's more inclined to if you don't want it
to. Anyway, how do you do?
He comes forward with his hand extended and of
course the moment he takes his hand off his
pockets the coat starts flapping wildly on both
sides. SEYMOUR makes a leap backward that
sends her off the chair, which rolls over. She
begins screaming in a prolonged manner, the more
as he now comes forward with both hands
outstretched to help her.
BARRY (cont.) Oh I'm sorry.
He quickly puts his hands over his pockets. All is
quiet, even the rat under the mattress.
BARRY (cont.) You see, it's nothing.
But she's staring at the archway. She points. A rat


Maurice Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR:
Away where?
PEGGY:
The Malmsey! Wherever you put 'em!
SEYMOUR (teeth chattering) The Malm -?
PEGGY (rejecting her pugnaciously) Phooey! And get your shoes off (flinging her own
shoes to the floor), you can' tr run in those!
SEYMOUR flings her shoes off. She suddenly
utters the scream that should have happened
before. She is pointing desperately at one of the
mattresses. Something humped is moving under it.
PEGGY (cont.) Nancy! Phone Mr. Barry and tell him a rat' s frightening a doctor out of
her wits!
NANCY (VO) All right mum!
SEYMOUR:
Don't bring that man down here! Not with rats in his pockets!
PEGGY (quickly, as if getting ready to run, with continual glances at the mattress) Now
listen to me. We're having a big party in a few days and officially I can't
invite you. After all we can't have a Malmsey shrink wandering round
the place, I mean it only takes you to walk in a room and people start
feeling they're space cases, I certainly do. (Poised to run but deciding not
quite yet) I don't mind how you do it, strait jacket, giggle suit, beefy
skinhead male nurses, anything, Ijust want that bugger certified. On the
other hand I don't want him taken out in chains right in front ofthe
American ambassador but you won't be at the party SO that's that, a pity
but (jumping up as another rat dashes across)!
SEYMOUR:
Don't leave me!
PEGGY races through the arch.
PEGGY (cont., off) Hang on to your skirt!
It is doubtful ifSEYMOUR could move even if


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
Sssh!
A decided squeak. SEYMOUR follows PEGGY's
eyes on the archway. Another squeak and this time
there is a brown-spots-on-white creature with a
very long tail that flies or slides along the corridor
beyond the arch with such speed that it is
impossible for us to gain more than a perhaps
mistaken impression. In a flash up go PEGGY's
legs SO that her high-heeled feet are on the edge of
her chair. SEYMOUR, alarmed, quickly follows
suit (she manages not to scream but only by the
skin ofher teeth).
PEGGY:
You'd better hitch your skirt up too. (Showing her) One tried to run up
Nancy this morning.
Frantically, with silly fumbling fingers,
SEYMOUR heaves at her skirt to bring the back
round to cover her crotch and the sides tight round
to complete the bandaged up effect.
PEGGY (to SEYMOUR's horror not raising her voice at all) Pamela! Pamela!
SEYMOUR glances round to see whom she is
calling.
NANCY (VO) Did you call mum?
This voice from the blue almost shocks
SEYMOUR'S chair over.
PEGGY:
Where's my daughter?
NANCY (VO) She's upstairs in her flat with Mr. Barry mum.
PEGGY:
Pamela are you on? Pamela? You'd better phone her Nancy, tell her he's
loosed another lot! (To SEYMOUR) He carries them round in his
pockets. You've got to put him away!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
my husband thinks he's the golden boy of the century. Nothing to be
done about that.
SEYMOUR:
And what colour are the rats Mrs. Cutlass?
PEGGY:
White. Sometimes they have spots. Black or brown spots. I've never seen
a: streaky one but I'm told they exist. You see, you've got to keep your
eye on that arch. You've pointed yourself the wrong way.
SEYMOUR (without moving) So that' S where they always come from is it?
PEGGY:
IfI were you I'd shift your chair a bit.
SEYMOUR
Of course.
She shifts the chair a little SO that she can
now take the arch in.
PEGGY:
Obviously he's trying to get rid of me.
SEYMOUR:
Your husband or your son-in-law?
PEGGY:
The latter more than the former but I sometimes wonder if
there's much in it.
SEYMOUR (control factor entering) I'm under the impression that you wanted to
get rid ofhim, I mean your son in law. Am I right?
PEGGY:
Well it's a struggle of wits isn'tit?
SEYMOUR (disciplinary) But your daughter Mrs. Cutlass! What does she have to say about
this? I met her downstairs I think.
PEGGY:
My daughter? You are confused!
SEYMOUR:
I'm sure I am. But I heard her call you mum!
PEGGY:
That's (listening intently)!
SEYMOUR:
We were talking about your daughter Mrs Cutlass.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR:
And are you taking anything?
PEGGY:
What kind of anything?
SEYMOUR
Sedatives, antidepressants.
PEGGY:
Ihaven't got to that yet.
SEYMOUR:
And where do these rats come from Mrs. Cutlass?
PEGGY:
Well he's down there letting them out isn'the?
SEYMOUR:
I'm sure he is. Who's 'he'?
PEGGY:
My son-in-law. Geneticist. Brought home all his rats.
A pause for appraisal from SEYMOUR.
SEYMOUR:
Is see. Where from?
PEGGY:
Gower Street. That's where his lab is.
SEYMOUR:
And what's his name Mrs. Cutlass?
PEGGY:
Barry Pillinger. An unfortunate name but then I didn't give it to him did
SEYMOUR:
No you certainly didn't. And where does this geneticist live?
PEGGY:
Upstairs in the penthouse.
SEYMOUR:
Ah. So he's always over your head SO to speak?
PEGGY:
When his rats aren't under my feet, yes.
SEYMOUR:
But the rats must come from somewhere surely? Or do they seem to
come from nowhere?
PEGGY:
They come from his cages of course! My husband built them for
him. Cost an entire torso. Not that he's in the least grateful. But


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
Sit on the floor. And on with your shoes again, quick!
SEYMOUR (encouraging) Ifyou wish!
PEGGY (dashing off, left) Let me get a couple of chairs.
In her absence SEYMOUR gets up and begins
eyeing the room clinically. She gingerly lifts the
the plinth-top. An inward taking of notes is
obviously going on.
PEGGY returns with two upright kitchen chairs.
PEGGY (setting them down centre) There you are. Better safe than sorry.
SEYMOUR:
Thank you (as she sits). Do you feel a little better?
PEGGY:
I'll feel better when he's out of the house, not before.
SEYMOUR (staring at her as PEGGY lifts up her skirt preparatory to sitting down) You
are Mrs. Cutlass?
PEGGY, having folded her pleated skirt under and
around round her crotch with great care, sits.
PEGGY:
Peggy Cutlass.
SEYMOUR (fascinated) How long has this been going on?
PEGGY:
I saw one on my dressing table only an hour ago.
SEYMOUR:
One what Mrs. Cutlass?
PEGGY:
A rat.
SEYMOUR:
Of course. And how many rats have you seen altogether?
PEGGY:
They're mounting up.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
SEYMOUR
I'm from the Malmsey hospital.
PEGGY:
Hospital?
SEYMOUR:
Psychiatric. Sir Gerald Sommerson got in touch with me. He'sa
colleague of your husband' S I believe.
PEGGY (busy with the mattresses) My husband's his boss. And there was me thinking you
were pest control! How do you do?
She now shakes hands.
SEYMOUR (getting over the offence with schooled sangfroid) Sir Gerald told me you
had a problem.
PEGGY:
Just one? (Stepping back from the mattresses) How do
you like it?
SEYMOUR (with the coolness due to what is none of her business) Very nice.
PEGGY:
Japanese style. Would you like to try this one?
SEYMOUR:
What, lie down?
PEGGY:
To christen it SO to speak. I'll try the other one.
SEYMOUR:
Shall I take my shoes off?
PEGGY:
Well I suppose it would be appropriate (taking off her own).
As she does SO she utters a horrified gasp.
Something flashed across the archway (a squeak
was certainly heard).
SEYMOUR (not quite down yet, and every inch the observer) Can I help?
PEGGY:
We'd better not do it.
SEYMOUR:
Not do what?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
NANCY (VO) Mum! Mum!
PEGGY (continuing her task, quietly absorbed) Yes, what is it Nancy and don't call me
mum.
NANCY (VO) There's a doctor at the door, she's a woman.
PEGGY:
What does she want?
NANCY (VO) Mr. Cutlass mum!
PEGGY:
My husband's S at work. Tell her to call back after nine o'clock
this evening.
Some murmuring over the speakers.
NANCY (VO) She says could she have a word with you mum?
PEGGY:
I'll come down to where you are, where are you?
NANCY (VO) In the room with all the furniture.
PEGGY:
There's no room there SO you'd better send her up here. Japanese room.
NANCY (VO) You go up them stairs doctor, two floors up and you turn left
and then you'll see it on your right.
PEGGY takes the cushions and places them at the
head of the beds, three on each. She stands back to
study them. Returns to adjust them.
DR. HEATHER SEYMOUR appears at the arch,
also in high heels. Most people would size her up
as a young corporate manager except that she
dresses in a manner that stretches the corporate to
the candidly if not flagrantly erotic.
SEYMOUR:
Heather Seymour (offering her hand without avail).
PEGGY:
Come in.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
MARTIN:
Buy? The man' s gone mad! Barry's not even known! He's not a top name
at all!
ARTHUR:
I thought that' d rattle you, her going away!
MARTIN:
Meaning?
ARTHUR:
I told you, she's pregnant!
MARTIN:
But why tell me?
ARTHUR:
Then it must have been one of your servants screwed her! What about
that butler you hire for cocktail parties? Or the gardener? Now he' 's a
stout looking chap, was he my Lady Chatterley's joy boy? (With
remarkable savagery) Why don't you cross-examine your staff?
NANCY (VO) The car's ready Mr.Cutlass.
ARTHUR:
We'll be right down Nancy! (With a gleam and a hiss) She heard the lot!
(Taking hold ofl his arm) You're looking SO green! And I think I know
why! You're sorry to be losing Barry Pillinger!
MARTIN (his way of owning up to the truth) I do wish you'd shut up.
They go out.
Five
The Japanese room. There are now two single
mattresses to the right of the arch, their heads to
the back wall. PEGGY, high-heeled and in a two-
piece with a flounced i.e. not skin-tight skirt has
put Indian covers on one of them and is just now
covering the other. There are several large bright
cushions to one side.
NANCY's voice comes over the intercom.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR:
Yes Martin, rats. Peggy says he talks about gazing into their eyes and
they gaze back and there's an understanding between him and them, even
his own wife thinks he's offhis bloody rocker.
MARTIN:
So why the hell doesn't she leave him?
ARTHUR gives him a flash of hatred which
MARTIN doesn't notice.
MARTIN (cont.) Helen always said she had doubts about him.
ARTHUR:
Did she really Martin? Your wife expressed her doubts about my son in
law him too, did she? What frightens her about Barry is your accounts of
him, old cock! I hope you didn't try and influence my daughter as well!
After all, you had three months in which to chew the fat about Barry
Pillinger didn'tyou?
MARTIN:
What are you talking about?
ARTHUR:
Pamela' S three months gone and three months ago Barry was on a trip to
Munich ZOO on a Gower Street assignment. It raises the question of
paternity--- unless he sent his sperm home by post!
MARTIN:
But what has this got to do with me?
ARTHUR:
You didn' 't introduce her to any nubile young man did you?
MARTIN (with a suavity which ARTHUR watches with detestation) We had the usual
Sussex guests. Of course it's a busy household. As a matter of fact I work
a damn sight harder in the summer than the rest of the year. I was
probably a bit out of touch.
ARTHUR (after a glare at him) I had a call from Dan Sutton and he's on his way over.
MARTIN:
What the hell for?
ARTHUR (disregarding this) So I have to organise a party for him. Here in this house.
MARTIN:
But why on earth here and not Gower Street?
ARTHUR:
Dan's not interested in Gower Street! His company got wind ofl Barry's
latest project and they're SO impressed they're going to buy him---that
means ship him and my daughter over to Ardmore, Maryland!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
BARRY (cont.) You stroked her! Very slightly!
PAMELA:
I feel SO proud! Where are you taking her?
BARRY:
She won't stir. Don't worry. And we can have breakfast.
He leaves and she sinks back on the pillows
again. She smells her hands, gazes before her.
Four
The Japanese room at the same early-morning
hour. ARTHUR CUTLASS is with MARTIN
FYFFE, editor in chief of a daily paper. MARTIN
is a compact well-dressed man with a decided
strength not wholly unpremeditated. They're in
their office clothes with a tray of coffee between
them.
MARTIN is seated with his coffee but ARTHUR
is pacing about.
ARTHUR:
Shepley consoles went down a few points, gave me a bit of a scare.
MARTIN:
For god's sake stop prowling around and come to the point, what's
bugging you? And why this early-morning call? I have to be at my desk
in half an hour.
ARTHUR:
He's walked out ofl his job at Gower Street and I've fixed him up a
bloody great cage for his rats in my basement and they've started to take
over the house.
MARTIN:
His rats?


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
moment. It's Mrs Ferdinand.
PAMELA (sugaring her coffee) So what do you want to talk about?
BARRY (sitting on the bed) Well, we've recently found a strange mutation in the human
DNA. The kind you don't find in other animals. It suggests some kind of
split in the sanity. The human mind isn't working as it should.
She sips her coffee with deep gratitude.
PAMELA:
BARRY:
I want you to see how sane my rats are.
PAMELA:
But why at this hour? I've got to go to work.
BARRY:
You know how you hate cruelty to animals.
PAMELA:
Yes.
BARRY:
Well Lance happened to be screaming down the phone that he wanted
some animals for experiment, urgently, and there was some difficulty and
he shouted For God's sake it's only animals I'm after, they're only
THINGS for God's sake, not humans! And I happened to be looking a
rat's eyes and she was pregnant and she looked back at me with such a
proud and peaceful mother's gaze! (Moving) And that was Mrs.
Ferdinand. And I have her in my pocket. (Moving slightly closer) Pamela
see if you can put your hand on one of mine, there's no need to look,
don't be afraid, she won't bite, she doesn't have human hang-ups. Just
try. Just lay your hand on mine. (As she tries) There! That's the style.
Slowly does it. Now what's wrong with that?
She shakes her head mutely.
BARRY (cont.) Feel her warmth. And the little heart beating.
PAMELA:
Yes I can feel it.
He put Mrs.Ferdinand back in his pocket and gets


Maurice Rowdon GENES
the bed.
PAMELA:
Don't come near!
He sits on the bed. She shrinks away.
BARRY:
You promised you were going to take an interest.
PAMELA:
Don't take anything out!
BARRY:
Let me tell you something
PAMELA:
Don't move your arms!
BARRY:
I only want to talk. No, it's not about the Y chromosome-
PAMELA:
I want my coffee!
BARRY:
And you shall have it.
He hurries out right and she stretches, gasps. We
hear the tinkle ofa cup.
PAMELA:
Barry.
BARRY (off) Yes?
PAMELA:
You're not releasing all these rats are you? Deliberately? Just to give us
hell?
BARRY (off): Of course not. I don't mind them being loose in the main part ofthe
house but the last thing I want is rats up here.
PAMELA (to herself as she lies back) Good god.
BARRY (coming back with her coffee on a little tray) After all I work with them all day.
PAMELA:
How is it (her eyes on his pockets) they're not moving?
BARRY:
IfI don't want them to move they don't. But I've only got one at the


Maurice Rowdon GENES
Rachel otherwise. You can love Martin Fyffe as much as you like Pamela
but that child is mine. The genetic differences won't mean a thing, I'll
handle that. What shall we call him?
No reply to this.
BARRY (cont., VO) We'd better get ready Pamela, we're due at Gower Street.
ARTHUR (hushed) The blood in that man's veins is ice.
Three
The penthouse bedroom in an early morning
dimness. The curtains are drawn and PAMELA is
still asleep, alone.
BARRY tiptoes in. He is in his lab coat and his
hands are over both ofhis pockets. He stands
watching her.
BARRY (whispering) Pamela. It's eight o'clock.
She doesn'ts stir.
BARRY (cont.) Pamela, it's late.
She moves, raises her head, subsides again. He
releases his hands from both pockets and at once
his coat tails start flapping wildly. She raises her
head again to see who or what has awoken her.
The moment she sees his flapping white coat she
utters a sleep-throttled cry and with one movement
is sitting up trying to melt into the wall behind her.
He quickly puts his hands over his pockets. Their
inmates are quiet. He comes round to the side of


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY:
Just what I told her! Barry never knows exactly where he is time-wise.
All you do is add or subtract a month and the baby's just another brother
for. John and Rachel. I don'tknow why you always have to be SO honest,
Pamela. You're honest to a defect! After all, it's perfectly usual for
people to get themselves into this sort of difficulty.
ARTHUR:
What difficulty's that?
PEGGY:
Not knowing whose their children are.
ARTHUR:
PEGGY:
I suppose it's too late to bring it off?
PAMELA:
I don't want it brought off!
ARTHUR:
Why not?
PAMELA:
Because I love him!
ARTHUR:
A man nearly twice your age!
PEGGY:
Age differences happen to be in Arthur.
ARTHUR:
All right then, marry him ifthat's what he wants!
BARRY PILLINGER's voice breaks in very
calmly over the intercom.
BARRY (VO) Nevertheless, Pamela, you won 't be marrying Martin Fyffe.
Your father seems awfully ready to trade sons-in-law all ofa a
sudden.
ARTHUR:
Good god, that bloody relay system! You said it was switched off.
PAMELA:
Well, he's switched it back on hasn't he?
PEGGY:
You only switched the kitchen off!
BARRY (VO) Any new child must stay in the family, it simply isn't right for John and


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PAMELA:
But I'm SO unhappy that I did! I mean him being your best friend!
A shrug from ARTHUR.
ARTHUR:
Funny thing, I said to Martin once, I said perhaps I'm a damn fool but
I'm always trying to keep up appearances, and he said there's no need to
keep up what people no longer acknowledge.
PAMELA:
As a matter of fact appearances are all he thinks about.
ARTHUR:
You sound out ofl love.
PAMELA:
He's claiming the child.
ARTHUR:
What does that mean?
PAMELA:
He wants custody.
ARTHUR:
The shameless bastard.
PAMELA:
No. He wants to marry me.
ARTHUR:
And what about his dear wife, Helen?
She shrugs.
ARTHUR (cont.) He'd better not try walking out on her.
PAMELA:
Oh he'sjust saying it. He only wants to make trouble.
ARTHUR (nodding) He's a very bored man, always has been.
PEGGY appears in the archway in her
dressing gown.
PEGGY (hushed and respectful) So what do you think Arthur?
ARTHUR:
Pamela has a baby, SO it's her third Pillinger baby, that's 's what I
think..


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PAMELA:
I'm having a baby.
Long silence.
ARTHUR:
Anything wrong with that? A third child? We should all be dancing!
PAMELA:
I'm three months gone.
ARTHUR:
PAMELA:
Barry wasn't with me three months ago. I was away in the country. At
Chumley Keep.
ARTHUR:
What's wrong with that? You go there a lot. Martin Fyffe's family more
or less, SO is Helen, lovely house, wonderful cook. And you weren't with
your husband, which was even better (stopping as it dawns on him). So
who the hell's s the father?
PAMELA:
Martin Fyffe.
ARTHUR (jumping) Martin! How horrifying!
PAMELA:
What' s horrifying? I was in love with him!
ARTHUR:
But Pamela! He's just not a person to fall in love with. I mean he's in
newspapers! (Suddenly looking at her) And you didn't even take
precautions?
PAMELA:
ARTHUR (subsiding) Well, you obviously meant it didn'tit? You trusted him! Fyffe of all
people! Runs a newspaper! (Finally, with a heavy shrug) Well a child's a
child I suppose.
PAMELA:
Oh daddy I do SO love you, the way you accommodate yourself to
everything.
ARTHUR:
You obviously wanted to do it.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
ARTHUR (busy at his tea) Yes darling. (When she is gone, to PAMELA) When I
entered your mother's little world twenty-eight years ago I had to accept a
lot I thought funny. I laughed a great deal but, tell me what you think, is
there any laughter left in me?
PAMELA:
Oh lots dad. Anyway she's good training. She trained me for Barry.
ARTHUR:
I mean look at this intercom business! All these bloody speakers! Do you
think your mother' S happy?
PAMELA:
Of course she is.
ARTHUR:
Anyway, I think I've found somebody she can see. She needs to let off
steam!
PAMELA:
Who is it this time?
He points to the intercom plinth with a
question mark in his eyes and she shakes
her head, to denote 'all switched off.
ARTHUR:
It's a psychiatrist from the Malmsey hospital but you mustn' t breathe a
word, she's a gal called Hetty Seymour and she's going to treat it like a
social call, she's good at that apparently. A real top psychiatrist this time.
PAMELA:
According to who?
ARTHUR:
Sir Gerald at the bank, (seeing PAM's tired shrug) it's no use being
cynical Pam, we've got to keep on trying.
PAMELA:
I suppose SO.
The cage-constructing noises cease.
ARTHUR (cont.) Thank god for silence! (Sips his tea) Your mother said there's
something wrong gynaecologically. Can you translate?
She gazes at him for some time, until he
looks up from his tea.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
JOHN (VO)
OK Peggy.
There is suddenly an explosive sound of
uncontrolled potty activity.
ARTHUR:
For god's S sake switch that bloody thing off! Here (jumping up)!
He runs to the plinth and throws a switch inside
and all is now quiet. He sinks down to the floor in
his former place, exhausted.
There are steps on the staircase. NANCY, a bright
broad breath of fresh old-timey air, comes puffing
in with the tea tray.
PAMELA is close behind her, still in her overcoat.
NANCY (puffing) Did they put you on the floor then sir?
ARTHUR:
I'm afraid SO Nancy.
NANCY:
Never mind, this'll do you good.
Putting the tray on the floor she pours his tea. She
hands the cup to PAMELA, who takes it to her
father.
ARTHUR:
Thank you darling. (To NANCY) I'll be down in a minute to read the
paper, ifyou've got any chairs that is.
NANCY (going) Oh don'tyou worry about that! Where there's a bum there needs to be a
good sit-down to my way ofthinking!
PEGGY:
Nancy, tell the men they can go after their tea!
NANCY(VO) Right you are mum!
PEGGY:
As for me, I'm off. We're dressing tonight Arthur.
She leaves via the arch.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PEGGY (as ARTHUR sits shaking his head) Send her up to the Japanese room right away
and don't over-listen, it isn' 'tyour business.
PAMELA (VO, long-suffering) I'm here mummy.
PEGGY:
Your father would like a word, that' S all. And please stop crying.
PAMELA (VO) I'm NOT crying! I'm not even given to crying!
PEGGY:
We've been into that, you're crying inwardly. I can feel you.
The sound of tea cups comes OVER.
PEGGY (cont.) And, Nancy, I don'tl know why you have to call me mum, this is the
twenty-first mum you've given me today.
NANCY (VO) Habit mum. From my mum. Being in service all her life. She was really
saying madam for short and it sounded like mum.
PEGGY:
Yes we know all about that, I'd like to talk to my grandson John ifhe's
there, is he there?
NANCY (VO) He's on the potty.
PEGGY:
What, a big boy like that? Get him off at once!
NANCY (VO) He says he's just trying it mum.
PEGGY:
Listen to me John, do you want to go or not?
JOHN (VO)
Yes gramma.
PEGGY:
Number One or Number Two?
JOHN (VO)
Neither gramma.
By now ARTHUR is at the end of his
tether.
PEGGY:
And don't call me gramma.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
pan (forestalling her), all right, all right, the seventh bloody! Sprayed
itself with eau de cologne every time you went, ifyou remember.
Madame Rochas down the pan fifty times a day! And those bloody
bedroom windows, eighth bloody, that opened and closed all night
according to the temperature except they got stuck wide open in a freeze-
PEGGY:
By the way Pamela' 's upstairs in the bloody penthouse crying her eyes
out.
ARTHUR:
Ah, back to daughter. Another high-optimism zone!
PEGGY:
It's something gynaecological I think.
ARTHUR:
What's it got to do with me? I'm here to pay the huge bills, emotional
stuff goes to you.
PEGGY:
Stop being bitter Arthur.
ARTHUR (almost to himself) I don'tl know, we used to have such a good time.
PEGGY:
It's all those hours you spend at the bank. I'm always being asked
what's your husband up to these days.
ARTHUR:
What do you tell them, he's playing with his fingers?
PEGGY:
They mean does he have any other life but the bank?
ARTHUR:
I always hope things are going to ease up but (with a shrug)---
PEGGY:
Make them ease up!
ARTHUR:
Ifyou only knew! When you make my money nothing eases up.
NANCY the housekeeper' S rich voice is heard
over the intercom.
NANCY (VO) I'm back now mum, I'm pouring his tea. And your Pamela' S down here
Mum, she's not in the penthouse like you just said!


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
PAMELA:
You asked him to! You're always wanting a room switched on or off!
PEGGY:
Talking of tears I had a good cry myself last night. Your father said you
women are SO lucky, your tear-ducts are your best friends.
PAMELA:
And what were you crying about?
PEGGY:
The rats Pamela! The same as you! Why does Barry do it?
A child cries over the speakers.
PAMELA (cont.) That's S John, I'd better go down! Having just come up!
She leaves as a door slams below, followed by a
crash. ARTHUR CUTLASS comes on the air.
ARTHUR (VO) Peggy! What' S all this bloody furniture doing in the hall?
PEGGY:
I'm here, there's no need to panic, you've woken the children.
And please don't raise your voice.
ARTHUR (VO, shouting) I tripped over a bloody coffee table! And when you say I'm here
where the hell's 'here'?
PEGGY:
The Japanese room. Is Nancy there by the way?
PAMELA (VO) You sent her out for the evening paper, mummy.
PEGGY descends and takes the ladder to
one side.
ARTHUR appears in the archway, office-clad with
a briefcase. He is a good-looking man or rather
would be if fret hadn't driven the lines on his face
SO deep. His get-up is impeccable and no one
could doubt that he has a Cityjob.
PEGGY:
It couldn't be worse Arthur.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PAMELA:
What is then?
PEGGY:
Nothing.
PAMELA:
So where are we going to sit?
PEGGY:
Somewhere else but not in the Japanese Room! (Glancing at
her) You've been crying.
PAMELA:
I saw a brown one.
PEGGY:
Oh that one's been around for ages. He was why your father agreed about
the cages. He's actually spotted!
PAMELA:
Who is?
PEGGY:
The rat.
PAMELA:
Daddy agrees about everything, he even agreed about all these
speakers!
PEGGY:
He does it to get a quiet life. After a day in the counting house you'd
agree to everything too!
She climbs the ladder again.
PEGGY (cont.) I mean, did you expect daddy to let the rats stay in cages they could
nibble their way out of?
PAMELA:
He should have put his foot down! Told Barry to get them out of
the house!
PEGGY:
Tell Barry Pillinger! A pity you don't tell him! Is that why you've been
crying?
PAMELA:
Il haven' 't been crying at all! Now will you please get that notion
out ofyour head! I've never been SO dry-eyed in my life!
PEGGY:
You're crying inside. That's the worst. Your husband keeps tampering
with these switches by the way.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
As a background we have metallic
hammering from the basement.
NANCY the housekeeper's rich belly cockney
comes over the intercom.
NANCY (VO) Are you there mum?
PEGGY (quietly) Please get used to talking normally Nancy. I'm in the Japanese
room.
NANCY (VO, still shouting) Miss Pamela' s just come in and the workmen want
another cup oft tea!
PEGGY:
Well give them another cup of tea, they deserve it---putting up cages is
very hard work.
NANCY (VO) Yes mum!
PEGGY:
And please don't call me mum.
PAMELA (VO) I'm on my way up, it's Pamela, mummy!
PEGGY:
Take a look at the cages darling!
PAMELA (VO) I did already, they're splendid!
PEGGY (to herself) I think your father 's splendid, considering how much they
cost him.
She climbs down from the ladder
and appraises what she is hanging.
She hums.
PAMELA comes in with some shopping.
PAMELA:
It's a terrible mess down there--armchairs cluttering up the hallway!
PEGGY:
Well they're not coming back up here!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
(Stopping) By the way, at Gower Street they don't use rats SO why do
you?
BARRY:
No geneticists use rats. E-ones perhaps but not live ones.
PAMELA: :
So why are you using them?
BARRY:
I need to observe them SO that I can take the genetics industry a huge step
Forward, Pamela!
She stalks out the way she came. BARRY unzips
his pocket and puts his hand in.
BARRY (to his pocket) Don' t listen to her, Mrs. Ferdinand. She'll come round.
He strolls upstage to the archway. Looking from
left to right along the corridor, his back to us, he
bends down as if on a bowling green and sends the
rat in a long low flying swoop along the corridor to
his left. We hear (but cannot be sure) a quick
joyous little squeak. He strolls off down the
corridor in the other direction.
Two
The room has been cleared of
armchairs. The intercom plinth is now
the sole furniture.
Standing on a ladder PEGGY
CUTLASS is putting up a single
Japanese hanging of minimal line on a
one-colour theme. She is an early-
middle-aged woman with bright urchin-
cut hair and clothes SO tight that,
combined with high heels, they resemble
an infinitesimally light steel structure.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PAMELA:
Where are these rats?
BARRY:
In the basement.
PAMELA:
But that' s where daddy stores his wine!
BARRY:
Oh I've shifted all that. It's quite a large space you know. As you say, this
is Hill Street, Mayfair, the cellar's the size of two apartments.
PAMELA (slumping back) I was always afraid of something like this.
BARRY:
I could hardly go on working cramped-up like that, could I?
PAMELA:
And what about us, your family!
BARRY:
As I say, there's room for all of us, whatever our species.
PAMELA:
So you did everything on purpose, without a word! You let me think
Mummy was seeing rodents in her sleep! Daddy thought she was seeing
things too! We laughed when she said droppings!
BARRY:
One or two have got free.
PAMELA:
And where are they now, in the walls I suppose!
BARRY:
Pamela, they could no more exist in a wall than we could!
PAMELA:
And what about Lance? Was he happy you left? Perhaps he's
relieved!
BARRY:
I wouldn't say that. He saw at once that an experimental atmosphere was
no good for my rats. And of course we still run the Gower Street show
together.
PAMELA:
Does he know they're all here?
BARRY:
I don't think quite. He knows a few have gone.
PAMELA (jumping up) I'm going to call him! You've taken things too far Barry!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
PAMELA (leaping back) Don't touch me!
BARRY (his hand over the pockets again) Very well.
PAMELA:
The idea, rats in Hill Street, Mayfair!
BARRY:
Won'tyou sit down for a moment?
She does SO grudgingly, eyes on the pockets. And
he does too, opposite her.
BARRY (cont.) I've walked out of my job.
PAMELA (hushed with horror) You walked out?
BARRY:
Yes.
PAMELA:
But you're the boss!
BARRY:
It's simply that my project doesn't fit Gower Street any more.
PAMELA:
And now you want to work at home!
BARRY:
Yes.
PAMELA (aghast) You can' 't have your rats here!
BARRY (quietly) They're already installed. (Pausing to weight the effect on her)
I've been bringing them home in my pocket one by one.
(Pausing again, rather doubtful about this one) For six months.
PAMELA:
And how many are there for god's sake?
BARRY:
Oh, about 172.
PAMELA:
172! In this house?
BARRY:
I must say you haven't been very observant. Your mother
notices droppings, why don'tyou?


Maurice Rowdon GENES
BARRY puts his hand inside the plinth and throws
a switch. The speakers cut out at once. She jumps
as his pocket begins moving about SO vigorously
that the tail of his lab coat is made to flap.
PAMELA (cont.) Stop it jumping about like that! You know I can' t stand rats!
He puts his hand over the pocket and the
inmate is calm at once.
BARRY (as he sits) It's only a game they have.
PAMELA:
Anyway, what are rats doing up here?
BARRY:
They came upstairs.
PAMELA (frantic) From where?
BARRY:
I've rigged up something up in the basement.
PAMELA (pointing) It's messing in your pocket!
BARRY:
She'd never mess her food-area, Pamela. She's not a human.
PAMELA:
Mummy saw droppings! And I felt something on the bed last
night!
BARRY:
That's impossible!
PAMELA:
It was on the eiderdown! Mummy's getting the pest control Barry!
BARRY:
They'd better not try and pest-control any of these!
PAMELA (on the edge ofhysteria) But what are you doing with them here?
BARRY:
Well, if you listen carefully darling but I haven't kissed you hullo yet!
He rushes to her with his arms outstretched, which
triggers off vigorous movement in both his
pockets.


Mauricel Rowdon GENES
PEGGY (VO) You weren' 't asked to contribute! Now please get off the line!
BARRY:
I'm not on a line, that' S what I'm saying, I can't get off and neither can
you!
JOHN (VO)
Dad are we going to get a story tonight?
PAMELA:
John, it's your mummy's here and you're to come upstairs when
Nancy tells you.
PEGGY (VO) Pamela you're in! What do you think of it?
PAMELA:
Well! It certainly works mummy, I can hear you as ifyou were here.
PEGGY (VO) You don't have to shout darling, the normal voice is enough and I'm
sure he'll come round to it.
PAMELA:
Who?
PEGGY (VO, testily) Barry Pillinger, your husband my dear!
PAMELA:
Come round to it? He's the only one in the house who knows how to
work it!
This time a girl's voice comes over.
RACHEL (VO) Granny can I have that rusk?
PEGGY (VO) Yes you can darling and please don' 't push her John. Also, Rachel, don't
call me granny, Peggy's my name.
RACHEL (VO) Yes Peggy.
JOHN (VO)
She took my
PEGGY (VO) It doesn't matter what she took!! Rachel, it's time you drank your milk.
PAMELA (to BARRY, trying to hide her voice from the wall mikes) Switch it off for
God's sake!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
MALE CHILD (VO) Mum! Rachel' S upset her potty! Dad! Dad!
BARRY (without moving or raising his voice in the least) This is dad. Where's
Nancy?
CHILD (VO) She's gone out shopping!
BARRY:
Call your mother then.
PEGGY CUTLASS (VO, gushing) It's all right Barry I'm here! (After a hesitant pause) It's
your mother in law.
BARRY (in a normal conversational voice) That I could gather. Now listen to me Peggy.
One thing you have to learn about these mikes is they're very sensitive,
they're all over the walls, you don' 't have to shout, all you have to do is
talk in your normal voice and that' S going to carry you all over the house.
PEGGY (VO) Yes Barry.
BARRY (continuing with his task at the plinth) Why you need a full-blown industrial
intercom service God alone knows, OK it's a big house but surely we can
call down the stairs like we always used to.
PEGGY (VO) You know perfectly well I'm doing it for the children-
BARRY:
But they're either at school or in the kitchen.
PAMELA PILLINGER, BARRY's wife
and the CUTLASS daughter, comes in down left.
She has a briefcase and is in outdoor clothes and
she is trying to get BARRY to stop talking by
making signs at him.
PEGGY (VO) Anyway Barry I don' 't think you need complain! No speakers have been
installed in your penthouse, SO be thankful for small mercies!
BARRY (making hullo signals to PAMELA) And then look at the expense, I mean how
many thousands-!


Maurice Rowdon GENES
One
The Cutlass residence in Hill Street, Mayfair. The
room is grand but has been minimalised. The
pictures on the walls are in one or two muted
colours with a few lines across them to suggest a
Japanese hanging. There are armchairs of slung
leather that look none too comfortable.
The most inexplicable item is a stout square
wooden plinth, its lid in an ornate carved fruit
motif. It is placed on the actor' S right and a little
downstage. It takes up room in an awkward
position, being about a metre high and half a metre
wide. This houses the controls of an intercom
system that makes it possible for the CUTLASS
family to communicate with itself from different
rooms. Speakers and mikes are discreetly visible
high in the walls.
The back wall oft the room has a wide arch in its
centre which gives us a view of a pristine
corridor going left and right, also as minimal as
possible. Apart from the arch there are two
entrances, downstage left and right.
The scene is empty.
BARRY PILLINGER, a youngish man with a
lively shock ofhair, comes in through the centre
archway in a white lab coat which has voluminous
side-pockets with zips (to contain rats).
A MALE CHILD'S VOICE suddenly
deafens us over the intercom speakers.


Maurice Rowdon GENES
CHARACTERS
Barry Pillinger, geneticist
Pamela Pillinger, his wife
Peggy Cutlass, his mother in law
Arthur Cutlass, his father in law
Martin Fyffe, editor in chief of a Sunday
paper
Dr. Heather Seymour, a psychiatrist
Dan Sutton, a Texan executive
Nancy, housekeeper


Genes
ORIGINAL
(44 pay na
Geues- Cul
67p
Lobou-medens Ateunhug