59 PO
paudey
puys
Bloods


[working title]
AND IN CAME OPHELIA
A PLAY
MAURICE ROWDON 2006
email: rowdoxy@aol.com


CHARACTERS
JAMES MARVIN, ACTOR
LIZZY TURNDALE, VISITOR
TOM CROWELL, THEATRE MANAGER


ONE
THE SCENE opens on the empty dressing room
ofMARVIN JAMES at the Vic in the Strand.
Our first impression is of a bright extravagant
show-biz version of a dressing room that might
be suitable for a musical, and indeed it is a
surprise that MARVIN doesn't open with a
song. Being the size of a stage it is equipped as
one, with a slight rake and a sophisticated light
and sound console, the whole space having once
been a rehearsal room frequently hired out to
ballet companies.
Downstage actor's right there is a dressing
table with the conventional dressing room
mirror framed with naked light bulbs, except
that there is no glass in the frame and we see
MARVIN JAMES through it.
On the dressing table are two wigs, one grey
(for the play which MARVIN won't dare name
but which takes place in Scotland) and the other
a deep blue-black (for HAMLET). They are on
mounts.
At MARVIN's right hand is a further table
containing the elaborate lights and sound
console, together with a land-line phone, a
mobile phone, a loose radio mike and unopened
letters.
This spoiled man is thus connected to every part
of the theatre below him. His swivel chair is a
soft leather article coloured burgundy.


At roughly centre stage there is a settee partly
covered with
which can easily be
thrown off if
dalliance is scripted, and
Prhaerdats
there is for this purpose a thick outsize blanket
and an ample supply of gaudy cushions.
The stairçase entrance to all this is actor's
right, itpdeors made of double-glazed
plate glass.
Upstage there is a wide screened-off area with
an inner room whose wide window looks out on
rooftops and affordsa view---to those who go
close to it---ofthe strect/nte-whichthe
below
al tre backstage entrance far-betowabuts. This/area
consists of an unseen kitchen, bathroom ànd upriyg
Heele
changing room.
Kite
Downstage actor's left there is a cupboard in
which MARVIN keeps certain props ofa
theatrically historical value.
When the action begins the stage is empty.
Then the staircase door is pushed open slowly
by a cane.
The cane is followed by a yellow-gloved
hand and an elegantly cut sleeve owned by
MARVIN JAMES, a handsome man in his (to
say the least) early middle age. He is dressed
urbanely in a striped suit and his hat is set at an
angle last seen in Jack Buchanan's day.
He walks to the console and deftly touches a
button with his stick to cut-ofthe-stage-noises
andwithanothertouchto bring up the theme
music from one ofhis musical shows, May
Bugs. This music has a highly rhythmic,
dramatic aura
Buss
like Brian Enos (The Jezebel
berc
MArAS


Spirit and Help me Somebody are useful
models).
MARVIN at once goes into his admittedty
extraordinary dance routine from that show. We
don't expect such expertise when combined, as
it is, with a suave dated appearance. Soon his
steps pick up to make a real performance.
At the end he switches the sound off and
deposits his stick in a rack for that purpose near
the door and then sits down at the dressing
table, switching on the lights SO that we
see him dazzlingly framed.
He finds, as usual, a copy of The Times before
him and with astonishing rapidity races through
every page and every column and then in fury
screws it up into a ball throws it in the
wastepaper basket.
He returns to perfect calm at once, gazing at
himself with the detachment of an actor who has
been through almost everything. Just as he
begins making himself up the land-line phone
rings. He takes no notice. It stops ringing. He
pencils in wrinkles. He leaves this to try on
his wig for the Scottish Play, as he calls it.
The phone rings again. He nonchalantly fits
the wig. He returns to the wrinkle pencil,
tipping the phone deftly off the hook. There is
the faint crackle of a voice at the other end. As
he paints the face in we see that he clearly
favours a Henry Irving view of the Scottish
Gentleman as sardonic and evil. He then dries
his hands and picks up the phone.
MARVIN:
Hullo?... Yes... You what? Could you repeat that?. You want a pair
of my socks?. .No you can't, you can bloody well sweat in your own!
What an idea, collecting great actors' socks! How did you get my


6 J
IEE
number anyway?.. What?. Well why in the hell didn'ty you say SO in
the first place?. .Ah, you've justhad a shock. But when were you ic
anything else? And when were box office receipts anything but
down?.. .Listen, I told you ages ago, they'll never take another play by
the Old Chap this year, particularly after that lousy Lear: I was all for
doing a Coward revival... Yes I know there've been three this year but
they are safe. Having once filled the Henry Miller theatre with Present
Laughter I know what I'm talking about...It had nothing to do with
your direction, a Coward play directs itself! They were touting tickets
at hundreds of dollars! Forty percent of my capacity was black, I refer
to the colour of their skin. Coward was pure Wasp until I came
along!. What? It was paper? I've never had paper in a show of
mine, you're delirious!. Well of course it's going to be paper for The
Play, we'll be lucky to sell the first row! It makes me sick, doing The
Play. He's such a miserable old bugger. Murdering people in their beds
and getting on his wife's nerves and having nightmares at the dinner
table. I know what I'd have told him to do with that brief candle ifl'd
been his wife! Anyway, what are the takings?.. .Oh my God! I shan't
go on! Full dress rehearsal this evening and miserable takings, I won't
do it!.. What's that? I'm upset because The Times didn't mention me
this morning? I've told you repeatedly I don't give a damn about The
Times, I don't even take it let alone read it (with a bland glance at the
wastepaper basket). As for you, you're sore because you can't direct, it's
simply not within your range of gifts, it never has been. I shall never
forget the time I stood behind no fewer than fifteen armour-clad
henchmen at the Final Dress and your little voice comes piping up from
the stalls---"Marvin's completely masked!". Masked, I was obliterated!
Nobody could see the top of my head, let alone hear me speak! That's
not blocking, that's blundering!. .I see, you're too distraught to speak
are you? And you've heard it all before have you?... Your who?
Your ex-wife? I didn't even know you were married.. .She
what?... Well of course she left you, you got a divorce didn't
you?... You went back together?. You married her twice? And
what's the state of play at the moment?. She ran out of the house---?
LIZZY TURNDALE enters right, a cup
of coffee in her hand. She is a bright
attractive young woman with wide black
eyes and she is in a very fine costume.
waun)
Samdwy
She stands there uncertainly, glancing


about the dressing room in an inquisitive,
even insatiable manner.
MARVIN (cont.) To what---bring me a cup ofcoffee. Come here? What the devil for?
Because she's in love with me? Oh for God's sake man they all say
that! Anyway I'm not responsible for your domestic skirmishing. As
far as I'm concerned you've cooked your bloody goose this
morning--you've lost your male lead in one fell swoop! I'm certainly
not going to play to a 55% house. But I'll tell you what I am going to
do. I'm going to play Hamlet.
LIZZY nearly drops the coffee with
surprise. He slams the phone down and
only now seems to realise what he has
just said. He leans back in his burgundy
chair gazing before him in a dream.
lalAr
MARVIN (to himself, mumbling) Ha,are you honest?
LIZZY:
MARVIN (jumping out of his skin) Who the---?
He stares at her, then at the cup she is
holding. He rises and courteously takes
it from her, then deposits it on his
dressing table.
Suddenly he turns and grabs her. She is
about to scream but he puts his hand over
her mouth.
MARVIN (cont.) Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?
(Breaking from her) No dammit, it just won't do!
He returns to his dressing table sulkily
and resumes his making up. But
suddenly he tears offhis wig and begins
creaming out his wrinkles.
He puts on a smoother foundation and is
dentcet 1


quickly a younger if not young man. He
tries on the blue-black wig and leans
back with some satisfaction.
LIZZY's astonishment gives way to
steady curiosity. She sits down quietly on
the settee.
MARVIN (cont.) Whose idea was that, bringing me coffee? Not our director's by any
chance? Not Nigel Burbage's, your husband's? What a ridiculous
idea to assume the name of an Elizabethan actor-manager, don't you
think so? Burbage my foot! (He sips the coffee) You've put sugar in.
(Resuming his making up) Never put sugar in Marvin James's coffee.
Put it in his tea. Not his coffee. They know it at the Savoy and the
Alconquin but in the theatre where he's been resident star for fifteen
years news is apparently slow to travel. (Without looking in her
direction) Why are you here? Wheedled your way into the job to get
my autograph or something? Are you after my socks? Chap on the
phone this morning was after my socks. You have nice tits, I'll say
that.
LIZZY:
MARVIN:
She speaks but one word---"me'. (Turning to her with a leer) Me, me,
me, me!
LIZZY:
Who the bloody hell do you think you are?
MARVIN:
Oh my God not that line! (Continuing his make-up) Not after Eliza hilr
Doolittle! What's your name anyway? I mean your maiden one.
LIZZY:
Lizzy Turndale.
A stunned silence. He turns towards her
slowly.
MARVIN:
No one's called Lizzy Turndale. It's impossible. And you've made a bad
thing worse by abbreviating the Elizabeth, don't you see that?
However, it's the turn in Turndale I dislike most. Turning round,
turning away, turning up, turning out, it's all bad news, reminding one
of funerals, Wednesday matinees and Number Two tours, not to say the


closing of shows on second nights. It spells something rather worse
than doom---the drab. Elizabeth has been overdone anyway---two
queens and Taylor. No, Lizzy Turndale's completely self-defeating.
What's your real name?
LIZZY:
Jean Stokes.
MARVIN:
That makes me like Lizzy Turndale.
LIZZY (gazing at him) It's exactly what he said. You're completely unreal.
MARVIN (unruffled) Who said?
LIZZY:
Nigel Burbage.
MARVIN:
Who's he?
LIZZY:
He's my husband and he's just directed you in Mac---!
MARVIN (jumping up in wild panic) WHAT did you say? Oh my God! You said it!
You said the word (dragging her up from the settee and pulling her
roughly to the staircase door). YOU NAMED THE SCOTTISH PLAY!
IN A THEATRE! Get out, go on! (Pushing her out through the
staircase door and closing it smartly, then at the top ofl his voice)
KNOCK! KNOCK THREE TIMES!
LIZZY (off)
What?
teoesta
MARVIN:
What, what get off the/pot,this is a matter of life and death! Knock on
the fucking door three times!
LIZZY knocks rather deafeningly on the door.
He is vastly relieved.
MARVIN (cont.) You may come in.
She re-enters.
MARVIN (cont.) Now turn round three times. Turn! QUICK!
He whirls her round three times.


MARVIN (cont., hurrying back to his dressing table) I'll have to tell Nigel about this.
It'll kill him. In fact we can't go on. (Grabbing the phone) Oh my
God. We'll have to do Brighton and all stations to Richmond, oh my
God (dialling), I told him we'd never be able to open cold like this.
Nigel? The woman, God knows who picked her up for the kitchen, she
came in here and named the fucking Play...Yes, she actually named it!
She'll be whistling next, the stupid bitch! I sent her outside but it's a
bad omen Nigel and together with your news of a poor house I don't
think we can open, anyway I've never thought that opening cold was a
good idea on the Play, I think we'd better open at Brighton---trust, you to
send your wife up! What?.. (aghast) She's an---an--
Very quietly he puts the phone down, his eyes
still on her. He leans back in his chair and
takes a leisurely sip of coffee. Then he gets up
and approaches her. She has already seated
herself comfortably on the divan.
MARVIN (cont., quiet and measured) So you're an actress. (Putting his nose within an
inch of hers, as she is about to speak) You came here on the pretext of
bringing me my morning coffee and what you really wanted was to put
a bad spell on our production, thus ruining your husband.Hey, wait a
Ley xep!
minute! Didn't he tell me you were in love with me? (Sitting down by
her) Now let's go into this methodically. What's the real reason
you're here?
LIZZY:
I'm in love with you.
MARVIN:
Quite normal, but why did you name The Scottish Play?
LIZZY:
Because you don't want to play in it.
MARVIN (rather taken aback) That's perfectly true. Now why don't I want to play in
LIZZY:
Mostly I think because you don't know how to play him.
MARVIN:
Play who?
LIZZY:
You Know Who


MARVIN:
I don't want to play him.
LIZZY:
Because you can't. You're too old-fashioned.
MARVIN:
Old fashionedl--I'm the most avant garde man in the business,
students travel from all over the world to see, Shakespeare as a new
event!
LIZZY:
But all that's old hat!
MARVIN:
Avant garde means ahead of the time!
LIZZY:
People don't even say avant garde. They don't know what it means!
And all you do is turn plays on their head---you make Julius Caesar a
fairy, Othello a dwarf and deathly pale and in love with a Venetian
hooker called Desdemona, and the top brass don't like it, your males
always have to be in drag and your females in high boots carrying
whips. It's sO obvious!
MARVIN (gasping for air, hardly audible) But everyone knows---my characterisations
are diaphonous, pellucid--words used by the critics---you see the Old
Chap's plays work far better for the surface being flawed, I play against
the character, don't you see that?
LIZZY (with a touch of compassion) But you've never had a really new idea. Your
Romeo behaves as ifhe hates Juliet and sneers his way through the
tender lines and in such a rush you can't understand a word, Hamlet
says everything like he's in a pub reciting the sports section, King
Lear's s just had his twenty-first birthday and has a thing about being old
and his daughters are his sisters and they egg him on to think he really
is old and he screwed his mother, and by the end no wonder one of the
critics said this was the Shakespeare interpretation of all time and he
looked forward to Lord and Lady Macbeth as two queens, Hamlet as his
own father's ghost and A Midsummer Night's Dream as an ice drama.
MARVIN (weakly) As a matter of fact I did have in mind---he was a bloody awful critic
by the way, drank himselfto death---I did have in mind Lady Mac as a
dike and Mac himself AC DC and they hire somebody else to play Lady
Mac and she takes the rap for the murders because they both want the
next king to be a woman.


A puzzled silence, shared by him.
LIZZY:
But don't you see, everybody's ignorant now? You can't stand
Shakespeare on his head ifthey know nothing about him on his feet! I
mean, they want to know what the words mean and they don't get it!
And all you do is mess about with the business! Ifthe stage directions
say whisper you've got to scream, when they say creep along like a
sleepwalker you run! It's like the Royal Court fifty years ago, all you
needed to do to get an audience was put your hand in a pram and bring
it out with shit all over it---but the list of outrages has been exhausted
Marvin!
MARVIN (jumping up with a scream) NOT MARVIN! You will not call me Marvin! I
am Mr. James!
kractd
LIZZY:
Conversation doesn't move with you, does it? Thatk what Nigel said-
Atjust goes put-put-putting on but the vehicle remains stationary.
MARVIN (very quietly) Then why are you in love with me?
LIZZY:
The walls could crack, trees could grow through the auditorium, rats
could overrun the dressing rooms and every other man and woman
could be dead but you'll still be up here recording yourself and looking
in that damned mirror and seeing your audience through it.
MARVIN:
But my acting, you must be in love with that too!
LIZZY:
You see? You can't be other than yourself.
MARVIN (abjectly submitting to his need for an immediate answer) You won't tell me if
you' 're in love a little bit with my acting??
LIZZY:
I think it's because you never change, never listen. Butthen-the-sun-
doesn'tlook-at-me-er-listen.to.me.doesit,yetllove-to-bask-inskinit
(Gazing at him with tenderness) You can't be anything except yourself,
can you? If the earth shrivelled up you'd go on being yourself as a
little spot of grease.
MARVIN:
Tell me how I could be other than myself?
wly
yota A hapr C
yrypn


LIZZY:
All my life you've captivated me. In the end people don't care if
Shakespeare's been shot to hell, it's your movements and your voice that
count, you could be saying hickery dickery dock for an hour and forty
minutes, nobody would notice the difference.
MARVIN:
Do I look old, is that your complaint?
LIZZY (sighing) You even talk old, like it was 1900. (Looking round) Do you know
what Nigel calls this dressing room?
MARVIN:
Why don't you tell me?
LIZZY:
The Vic Upstairs. The successful stuff takes place at the Vic
downstairs while Marvin jerks himself off upstairs. Shall I tell you
something else? When I walked through the auditorium downstairs to
get up herel noticed that every seat was occupied. There's an audience
juvehow
downstairs such as you wouldn't believe! Not an empty seat! And there
was a man on the stage talking to them, and behind him there was a big
screen.
MARVIN:
What about it? He's probably lecturing school kids on the Old Chap!
LIZZY:
They were all adults. And what about the screen---what does that
mean?
MARVIN:
Well, obviously-we run films from time to time. I've made at least
three.
LIZZY:
One. And it got a week's showing as an art film, meaning none of the
Hollywood biggies would touch it. (A silence) Have I hurt you?
MARVIN (quietly) The question isn't that. (Almost to himself) It's how I'm going to hurt
you.
LIZZY (this passes her by) Ifyou just played straight---! But you play for dirty laughs
when you're supposed to be sterling noble, you're high tragedy when it's
knockabout farce! Your walk and your voice and your fascinating way
ofl being absolutely nothing---that's what used to draw the crowds!
There's nothing inside you and you don'tneed there to be, you can
somehow play empty and get away with it! And sui C
dren
Ilee decl
KLE
Buchour
uire bt
Une he said lu ( ty
he ai
enolu
Send Itoyle i= lue
doc LQe
tte undi cole seinal. Andy
k heve
Kuol-lo S gmi,
cuus


He fixes his eyes on her for a long time, during
which she fidgets uncertainly,and-then-herises
Deel
briskty.
Cupisp triky)
MARVIN (cont.) Well, to work!
He goes to a drawer at his dressing table and
seizes a bunch ofkeys, then walks smartly to the
staircase door and locks it. There are three locks
and he does the job slowly and precisely.
MARVIN (cont., as he walks back to her, holding up the keys) For the insurance people,
you know. They insist on three locks. Now, Miss Turnout (sitting
close to her), I think we can agree on one thing---that I have to change.
Isn't that what you've been suggesting? A rebirth? And then we have
to remember that you too have a career. And that needs a brush up,
doesn't it?
LIZZY:
MARVIN (screaming with quite horrible force) IS THAT RIGHT?
She jumps and backs off.
MARVIN (cont., in a normal voice) It's why you came here isn't it? Let me tell you
something about actors--everything about them is autobiographical,
even their tears at somebody's grave are rehearsed! First of all are you
vulgar enough for the stage?
She is silent.
MARVIN (cont.) Do something vulgar.
She puts two fingers in her mouth
meaning to produce a deafening whistle.
MARVIN (cont., gripping her round the throat in horror) Stop, stop! That's another no-
no, whistling! l'd have to send you out again, do you hear that? turn you
round three times! How is it you know nothing about the theatre---eh
(tightening his grip), eh, eh?


She manages to scream SO loud that he loosens
his grip at once and stands back, gaping.
MARVIN (cont.) What an extraordinary noise. (Affably) So where were you?
LIZZY:
I was saying---
MARVIN:
No for God's sake I mean what drama school?
LIZZY:
Oh, RADA.
MARVIN:
I thought that was RADA. I'll also say this. For somebody married to
Nigel Burbage you're remarkably intelligent. Not that intelligence goes
with acting awfully well.
LIZZY:
It certainly doesn't get in your way.
MARVIN:
And your repartee's good. Talent for improvisation--in the event of
Marvin James ghosting. You see, my dear, I'm going to call this
Operation Rebirth. No doubt you think you'll be leaving here for
lunch. Nothing of the sort. You'll be lucky to be out of here in a
week. You're going to pay for that line about intelligence not getting
in my way, I'll have your guts on display for it.
LIZZY:
MARVIN:
Now don't start that television-response stuff, you'll be saying let me
out ofhere in a minute.
LIZZY (jumping up) Let me out of here I've got claustrophobia!
MARVIN (pushing her roughly into a seat) The idea isn 't to keep you in, Miss Turnout--
-it's to keep others out! You see, my dear, I'm going to take you
hostage.
He returns to his dressing table and
resumes making up.
MARVIN (cont.) And you're going to be my Ophelia. Did you ever read Hamlet by the
way?


LIZZY:
Of course I did! I know Hamlet by heart! At least all the bits with
Ophelia in them!
MARVIN:
How very gracious ofyou! But (studying her) I must say it's a good part
for you because you wave sex in everyone's face. Good. So you shall
play it for sex.
LIZZY:
I always do. Then up he rose, and donned his clothes,
He at once, joins in, unable
to stop himself.
BOTH:
And dupped the chamber door!
Let in the maid, that out a maid---'
Never departed more.
By Gos, and by Saint Charity,
Alack and fie for shame!
Young men will do'tif they come to't,
By cock they are to blame!
Quoth she Before you tumbled me,
You promised me to wed.
So would I 'a' done, by yonder sun,
An thou hadst not come to my bed!'
LIZZY:
Exactly what I said, Ophelia the sex-pot!
MARVIN:
But there's something you overlook madam. That she was mad when
ilal
she said those words, and in any case she sang them. Hamlet had drve
her mad, you see,, just I'm going to drive you mad! (Walking round'a and
thus displaying his stride, stopping for pauses in his narrative and
careful to face the auditorium) They denied Hamlet to me as a young
man. They then ridiculed the idea when, in my early forties, I was still
eligible for the part. They said I was too big in the middle area. Which
was true but it isn't now---these days I'm prime Lear material, thin in
the shank. You see, I shall give them a livelier Hamlet than they've ever
seen! They say: a woman can't play Juliet until she's too old for it---
(swinging round to LIZZY) the same is true ofHamlet, Miss Turnout!
(Sitting at his make-up table and switching on the mirror lights) My
mother, I mean the woman playing Gertrude the queen, will probably be


half my age but she shall be seen as a crone next to my adolescence.
LIZZY:
But you admit I can play Ophelia.
MARVIN:
You don't witness me at this moment removing Mac and replacing him
with Hamlet? You don't hear me say Mac shamelessly, thus joining
you in the clever bad spell you put upon our production almost the
moment you walked in? You've given me courage my gir!! (Busy
with his face) And I can see you're a marvellous fuck. But why, you
will ask, make up as Hamlet two months before rehearsals can possibly
begin, and when the opening ofThe Scottish Play is billed for the
coming Thursday, namely tomorrow? Let me tell you! Because this is
DELIVERANCE! Talking time is over. The real screaming will now
begin, my dear. And you will provide it!
LIZZY:
Nigel says that actors never commit crimes, they're not interested in
anybody enough to murder them.
MARVIN:
The first part's right but not the second. They don't murder because
they murder a thousand times onstage and know what a bore it all is
compared with a nice cup of tea or a bounce in bed. Don't worry, my
dear, it's all going to be acted.
LIZZY:
And the endless speeches. He mentioned those.
MARVIN:
This time he's going to listen to every word. (With sudden earnestness)
I hope he's still in love with you? A little bit?
His earnestness sweeps her out ofher
scepticism.
LIZZY:
Oh yes! He knows I only run after men who can do without me, that's
why he divorced me, to show he can do without me, which he can't.
MARVIN:
So he will hear your screams with a measure of concern!
He dials a number on the land-line
phone.
MARVIN (cont.) Nigel. Ihave your ex-wife here. Listen carefully.


MARVIN beckons LIZZY towards him.
She comes. He suddenly seizes her and,
jumping out ofthis seat, manages to grip
her SO that his arm is locked round her
neck from behind.
MARVIN (cont.) I intend either to strangle her or plunge a dagger in her neck. I
haven't decided which---take this as a joke if you like but I warn you
she may be found dead. IfI were you I'd remember your own words,
Marvin James is a madman, you addressed it to my mother, who
agreed..
He tightens the grip and she screams
frantically.
MARVIN (cont.) Did you recognise the voice? But we can do better than that!
He lays the phone on the dressing table
and releases her, leaving her staggering
about clutching her throat. He goes
briskly to the cupboard upstage and pulls
it open. She watches with horror as he
draws out a dagger.
LIZZY (grabbing the phone) Nigel, Nigel! He's mad! He's---!
MARVIN approaches her menacingly,
after a little chase. She tries to bite him
but he plunges the knife into her neck
and blood gushes forth. She screams
blue murder and her dress is covered in
no time.
MARVIN calmly takes the phone again,
wiping some blood from his hand and
throwing the dagger into the wastepaper
basket.
MARVIN (at the phone) All I did was draw a little blood, Nigel. I promise not to kill her
yet. Hadn't you better notify the police? This is serious, not a
rehearsal, Nigel. Not a play. But first let me get your ex-wife seated. I


need to kill her later, you see, which requires her to be alive now, SO I
missed the jugular, just.
He helps the sobbing, quivering LIZZY
to the settee.
7 hinif ul l)
MARVIN (cont.) Stop blubbering, it was only superficial!
Hher = alsohiisy
LIZZY (inspecting the blood and tasting it) This is ketchup! You fucking---!
He signals her frantically to silence, then
returns to the phone.
MARVIN (at the phone again) As I said, I managed to avoid the jugular, this is where a
little knowledge of pathology counts, Nigel. Now these are my
demands. First the Final Dress and the previews will not take place.
You will inform not only the police but the media about this. You will
tell them that your ex-wife who left you for good not an hour ago is
being held hostage by an enraged Marvin James in his dressing room at
the Vic on the Strand, and for God's sake don't say New Vic as ifwe're
an imitation of the Old one, you were always such a bloody fool about
that kind of thing. By the way, any attempt to batter down Marvin
James's door will produce an entirely dead Lizzy Turndown in a split
second. How the hell did she get that name by the way? (Turning to
LIZZY) Didn't you tell me Stokes?
LIZZY (trying to speak as she wipes the ketchup off) !
MARVIN:
Understandably she's distraught, Nigel, you can perhaps hear the
gurgles, she must have lost a pint ofblood at least. Amazing how
much we have ofit, isn't it? And its brightness, due I believe to the
presence of oxyhemoglobins or did I get my lesson wrong? But to
return to business you will announce this morning a Hamlet production
with me in the title role, at this theatre, I mean at the Vic Downstairs as
I believe you call it... What?.. ..Oh for God's sake man youth depends
on the legs and mine are in mint condition.
He crashes the phone down. LIZZY has
in the meantime staggered to the
cupboard and is staring at its contents.


MARVIN (cont.) Imust say that last scream was even better than the first.
LIZZY:
Iwasn't acting that time.
MARVIN:
You never do otherwise than act, my dear, we are of the same breed.
(Taking her affectionately round the waist) I suppose you're
wondering what that little display of knives is about?
LIZZY:
Yes Ia am.
MARVIN:
It's my little museum. Several ofthe daggers date back to 1701.
(Pulling one out) Garrick! (Replacing it and pulling out two others)
These were used to murder Duncan in Henry Irving's Lyceum
production in 1888. (Replacing them) And then of course there are
the most up to date ones you can find on the market. I used a 1963
spring dagger on you which quite frankly I didn't expect to work. But,
as you see (indicating her blood) it was most efficient. Now why don't
you slip behind that screen and put on oneef my dressing gowns?
(Drawing her to the screen) You'll find a wash basin, hopefully it
won't have stained your lovely costume too much, put it in soak of
course.
She follows his instructions
helplessly, disappearing behind
the screen. We hear running
water.
MARVIN (cont.) That is Clarissa's dress from May Buds isn't it?
LIZZY (off)
Yes.
MARVIN:
Ihave eyes in my little arsehole don't I? Did you put it on to flatter
LIZZY (off)
I thought it might give you pleasure.
MARVIN:
Where did you find it?
LIZZY (off)
An opera house.
MARVIN:
Which one?


LIZZY (off)
That's my business. I know someone in Wardrobe there. They'd want
fifty pounds a day for it otherwise.
MARVIN:
You see how everything fits? (Sitting athis dressing table again and
gazing before him with pleasure) You arrive here in a costume from
one of my most successful shows! buy.ityoudhavcto pay theusandsn
That's destiny working! To buy that costume you'd have to pay
thousands!
LIZZY (off)
Vivien Leigh used it for Antony and Cleopatra.
MARVIN (disregarding this, since it is about another actor, with a characteristic sideways
movement of the head) Do you know I exhausted three leading ladies
during the Broadway run of May Buds?
LIZZY (off)
Nigel told me they couldn't stand you always dropping your lines and
never being letter word perfect even by the end of a run. He said you
had half your speeches pinned to the back of the furniture.
MARVIN:
They could have done the same, the silly cows! Acting isn't learning
lines!
LIZZY (off)
He said it was only the Americans kept you alive because of all their
stuff about the Brits and tradition and all that. He said you're an effigy
rather than an actor and that's why The Scottish Play tomorrow was
going to play to 15% capacity.
MARVIN (quietly) Fifty-five.
LIZZY (off)
Fifteen. That's another thing you do, wishful listening. He said
fifteen.
MARVIN (stunned by this alorostto tears) I filled the Henry Miller theatre with Present X
Laughter for over a year! And do you see these lights? (All but
sobbing) What actor in the world has his dressing room equipped with
an elaborate light and sound system by means of which he can simulate
a performance in perfect privacy? (Throwing himself on the console
and, after plunging the stage into darkness, introducing silver strobe
effects). It cost thousands, thousands!


LIZZY is suddenly there behind him,
naked under his silk dressing gown, her
feet bare, a jerky figure under the strobe
effect.
LIZZY (putting her hand on his shoulder) Marvin... (He becomes still) I didn't know
you could be hurt. He said you couldn't be hurt.
She lowers her head to his shoulders and
also seems to be crying.
LIZZY (cont.): Change the lights to something sweet darling!
MARVIN:
How about this? Golden autumnal!
The strobe effect is killed and a mellow
harvest light steals up.
LIZZY (suddenly looking into his utterly dry eyes) I thought you were crying!
MARVIN:
Oh I could never manage that. They used to squirt water in my eyes
from the wings. Ask any actor who has played with me---they always seidl
used-toask why does old Marvin always walk over to prompt side when
about to shed tears? None of them ever cottoned on!
LIZZY (walking away) Did you know how you got your nickname?
MARVIN:
LIZZY:
Hamlegs'.
MARVIN (with horror) Hamlegs!
LIZZY:
From the famous Marvin quote My legs are in mint condition'!
It is too much for him---with a roar he
jumps up and grabs her by the hair.
MARVIN:
You're a critic aren't you? A fucking reporter! I suspected it in that
second scream- (Shaking her) A damned feminist---a
radicat-syoute a friend of Vanessa Redgraves!


LIZZY (flinging him off with unexpected success SO that he reels away) No wonder
playwrights fly to the Bahamas when you announce an interest in one of
their scripts! 'Old Marvin', they say, old Marvin's a nostalgia record,
he's already in Madame Tussaud's!' (Sticking her face in his) But
Hamlet's more than legs!
MARVIN:
Tell me this, you slobbering moist bitch, how is it Nigel keeps me in
this theatre, and my photos in the foyer, and my bust in the circle bar?
LIZZY:
Because he's in love with you! Because he's a pouf!
MARVIN:
The phone rings.
MARVIN (cont., picking the phone up with a furious gesture and bellowing into it)
What is it? (Turning to LIZZY and waving the phone at her) This
phone has saved your life! (At the mouthpiece again, very quiet and
urbane now) Oh really? (Again to LIZZY, with sarcastic charm) It's
your husband. (At the phone again) No, my dear, I repeat this isn't a
joke. I'm already ankle-deep in your ex-wife's blood and she happens
to-be-hanging-on to life by the merest thread. Believe me, ifyou don't
get your over-used arsehere in ten minutes flat she will never scream
again! Secondly, I'm going to unplug this phone and you will talk to
me from now on, and SO will the police, by means of the intercom
system. You will not, repeat not, negotiate with me through the door
because, being an actor, I need my voice.
He puts the phone down, then detaches
LIZZY (creeping up to him venomously) You're a fucking intellectual without an
intellect, that's what you are! Look at the way you played that scene.
You might have been a radio announcer. You just stalk and talk!
(Putting her face close to his again and shouting as ifl he were deaf)
You remember what Hamlet said? Suit the action'--action, action,
Marvin!--- suit the action to the fucking word, the fucking word to the
action'! All you do is moon around trying to mask everybody else. No
wonder the Scottish Play receipts are five percent of capacity!


MARVIN (hopelessly) You said fifteen!
LIZZY:
Five! You don't think Nigel would dare tell you that do you? He
wants your arse! (As MARVIN lunges at her and she pushes him
back) Let's go through that scene you always turn into a Purcell Room
recital.
He allows himselfto be led to centre
stage.
LIZZY (cont.) Take it from I did love thee once.
MARVIN:
What?
LIZZY:
What, what, get off the pot! Say the line for God's S sake!
MARVIN:
I did love thee once.
The moment she says this MARVIN is in
automatic performance mode.
LIZZY:
Indeed my lord you made me believe SO.
MARVIN:
You should not have believed me. For virtue cannot so inoculate our
old stock but we shall relish ofit. I loved you not.
LIZZY:
OK now get hold of me---like this (grabbing his hand and putting it
over her mouth, then drawing his head close to her ear).
MARVIN (hissing in her ear, not without personal malice) Get thee to a nunnery.
LIZZY:
Good, now turn it round and smile.
He leers at her.
LIZZY (cont.) Smile!
MARVIN:
That's a Marvin James smile dammit!
She takes his hand and puts it down the
slit in her dressing gown, obliging him to


fondle her breasts.
MARVIN:
Why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?
LIZZY:
Not why wouldst thou! It's why comma wouldst thou be a breeder of
sinners!
MARVIN:
That's interpretation! And the wrong one!
LIZZY:
Oh shut up and drag me to the floor!
Finally she pulls him down. Then she
draws his hand up her leg, under the
gown.
We hear police sirens in the distance.
LIZZY (cont.) Next line please!
MARVIN:
I am myself findifferent honest but yet I could accuse me of such things
that it were better my mother---
The sound of rushing steps along the
corridor outside, actor's right.
MARVIN (cont.) It were better my mother had not---
A stern male voice comes over the
intercom.
Hostage Negotiator (VO) As you probably know Mr.James the police are here in
considerable force. The Home Office has been informed and I'm your
Hostage Negotiator.
Shocked out of their wits, MARVIN and
LIZZY sit up and stare at each other.
H.N. (cont., VO) Mr. James I want you to spare Miss Turndale any more distress or
injuries. Mr. James, you will at once go to the door leading to the
staircase and open it.


She gestures to him frantically to obey
and he runs to his table, grabs the keys
and with marvellous speed has reached
the door and starts to fiddle with the
locks, hands shaking, until he can push
the door-leaves wide open.
H.N. (cont.,VO) Thank you Mr.James, SO far SO good. We are now sending up an officer
who happens to be a crack shot. He is armed with a sub-machine gun
Mr. James. Within seconds from now you will be covered. He wishes to
have a look at you, particularly Miss Turndale, to see if you've been
Olu
seriously injured. And.ifhe-feels-Miss-Turndaleisinacompetent-state
he'llbe-sendingaddoctorin. -
He won't hesitate to shoot you if you even
move a whisker against thé doctor Mr. James, he'll lay you flat and
you'll never rise again.
We hear heavy running steps on the
staircase and the tip of a machine gun
appears in the hands of a half-crouching
POLICE OFFICER with an intercom
mike close to his lips. He only advances
as far as the threshold, his gun at the
ready.
POLICE OFFICER: Just put your 'ands up! Quick, both of you! Now sépal ratet Astay
sitting on the floor---just move away from each other a
That's enough! (Lowering his gun somewhat) Right, MN
ndale, I
just want you to get up if you can. If you can't, shake your ad (She
keeps her head still) Right, just stand up then. (As-she-dees-sey You
feeling all right?(Shemeds) Turn round please (she does so)/ You
Sheles
don'tscem-torhave-anyinjuries.to.me,bbut-that's: for the doctor-to-say.
Now I'm going to step back but I've still got my sights on you (stepping
out of the scene), you're both going to get a medical examination,
. verd and T'ILbelookingafterthe-doctor with this gun, notyou, Mr-langes,
sol don't want any false moves, got Just do what the doctor
says! (Calling down the staircase)
doctor come up
sauaed
please?...Oh, there you are! All right, doctor? You get some peculiar
call-outs sometimes, eh?---but none to beat this one!... There you go!
Mind the
MSaser
step...Just quick once-over, ifyou please, doctor, just to sée
there's no injuries, particularly the lady...I'll be keeping you well
covered.. .All right doctor you can go right in.
Eunus u,
Xe doe So lol H Leronon -
grmace)


Duilt C
Ya! Ya-uhhh! I
afuy
MARVIN 8125 el hi
w.H homr 7 dirfelif.
Policeua (ac) Riju, L sends tiedoct
now,
154 knclo lach Al.a


THE DOCTOR appears with the telltale
stethoscope round his neck and a black
medical bag. He goes over to them
without a word and puts the bag down,
clearly none too happy with his
assignment. He examines LIZZY first.
DOCTOR:
Standup-please.(As-she-dees-so) Tongue!
ad he
She-puts. her tongue oufHe shines a
small medical torchinto her eyes, then- hertg
mil. Te he
examines her head with it but she starts
doe Ite SH u
back with pain.
ibe lore
DOCTOR:
Pain in the head?
LIZZY (nodding vehemently) Terrible!
anlt Cure pelidinelip
MARVIN,stares at her aghast/THE
DOCTOR Nqw examines hér chest,
back and front, with the stethoscope.
DOCTOR (cont.) Put your arms out sideways (she does SO but with great and apparently
painful effort)Now raise your leg, one at a time---no, bend it (She
makes anagonising Ay-yoo scream). Right miss, I've been instructed to
tell you that you can leave this building under escort. So ifyou will
please get your clothes on.
LIZZY:
I'm not going to leave this room!
DOCTOR:
And why is that Miss?
LIZZY:
Because he's holding me in here---!
MARVIN gapes at her in marvelling
astonishment.
LIZZY
With his terrifying will! He's lika a demon--he's got inside me
(clapping her hands on her belly) and I can't get free, what's more I
refuse to be free! 1n i hi clulches /


THE DOCTOR looks round helplessly at
the hidden marksman. He apparently gets
the answer to leave the matter there.
THE DOCTOR: All right Miss, you've made your choice. You can sit down where you
were before.
As she sits on the floor again he
gathers up his black and makes for
the exit at a spanking pace.
ASMARVIN doesso THE
DOCTOR grabs his black case
andfeturnsto thestairçase ata
spanking pace.
Ica
all
Layo
AlllcansaynowSince Miss Turndale has made her decision,Lean
only.ask.bath.to.maintain.as.much-domestic-peace-as-you-can. You'll
Hluxe relin
beth-be-ratherhungrybynew By the way, you must on no account
a herc yr
meddle with the door, night or door. It must remain open. (Mumbling to
Car l5 So la
someone apparently at his side) So what the hell do we do now? I've
sunc 2 do meske heard ofi impasses before but this case is nothing but!
Y uuv
pesn be Uuite finpy - Rtewgin He cuts out.
MARVIN staggers to the sofa and
throws himself down.
BURBAGE (VO) Lizzy this is Nigel! Are you OK? Talk to me Lizzy!
Suddenly LIZZY screams in the
most bloodcurdling fashion.
MARVIN (hissing at her) What the fuck are you doing?
LIZZY (hissing back) Tell him you mean business, go on!
As he fails to act she screams again.
BURBAGE (VO) Oh Marvin, Marvin don't hurt her Marvin! Let her alone for my sake


Marvin! I shan' t tell the police
that scream ifyou let her go!
MARVIN is in too pathetic arcondition
torespondso shegrabs the radio mike
from the table and thrustsit intohis
hand.
MARVIN:
She keeps screaming for God's sake, I can't stop her!
We hear police sirens in the distance.
MARVIN (cut)
CI22Y
LIZZY.
Shit, more police! (y ehemently) And the more the better!
MARVIN (gasping) Better?
aulan!
to * I 6 hau
LIZZY:
I'm a household name! L dare sayevery household in theworld/and
That's s all I wants-tolbove a fame equal to yours and now I'm there!
MARVIN (quietly) At the cost of life imprisonment. V lue avleen
With a sudden determined dash
she retrieves the mike and shouts
into it.
LIZZY:
Oh Nigel, he's got guns as well! He's got two 45-calibre rifles, a .357
Magnum pistol, a sawn-off shotgun, a 9mm Walther pistol, an AR-7
survival rifle, about three .22 calibre pistols, a .30.06 with telescopic
sights!
BURBAGE (VO) Marvin, Marvin, don't do anything unwise, we'll have the Hamlet
production---J
She gives MARVIN an intimate
you-see? expression.
BURBAGE (cont., VO) This is Burbage, Marvin, we'll strike The Scottish set now,
there'll be no Final Dress tonight! (Yelling frantically) Marvin,
Marvin, are you there Marvin?
hi yy
MARVIN (to LIZZY-pulling the mike away from her) What are you talking about,


LIZZY:
That was a Bonny and Clyde hash-up I did in rep.
MARVIN (raising the mike to his lips) I'm going to tell them the truth!
LIZZY:
It'll be the first time in your life you ever did that! Don't you see?
You've got what you want to6! The Hamlet production! And with me
as your Ophelia.
The HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR
breaks in.
H.N. (VO, his voice low with weariness) And now an arms cache--(mumbling to
BURBAGE at his side) is that right Mr. Burbage? (We hear Burbage
say yes) Mr. Marvin, we must talk this over, calmly. You are sealing
your fate in the most terrible way!
Ven
Guiverng)
MARVINA
I'm not doing anything of the kind! She made that arms cache up! Guns
terrify me! Even stage ones!
LIZZY (shouting) He has more demands, get him to tell you what they are!
Yet more demands Mr.Marvin?
LIZZY (hissing) Tell him you want me as your Ophelia!
MARVIN (an automaton now) I want Miss Turnpike as my Ophelia.
H.N. (VO, also in automaton mode) Very well, Mr. Marvin, your Ophelia she shall be.
MARVIN (suddenly screaming) I've been trying to get rid of this woman ever since she
set foot in this place, she 's the one calling the shots, not me!
Indeed! Since you have an arms cache at your disposal I don't wonder
you want to get rid of people! .
MARVIN (hissing to her) This'll ruin us both!
LIZZY (hissing back) Only you! I'm the hostage, remember?
Very Well, Mr James, Mr Burbage is at my side and we understand you


wish to (mumbling to BURBAGE) you wish to cancel the Mac--
(interrupted) ah, the Scottish play---you want the public refunded for
the bookings on that show and a Hamlet production to be scheduled and
announced, and the booking to start as soon as possible, with Miss
Lizzy Turnpike as Ophelia. (Another whispered exchange with
BURBAGE) Oh I'm SO sorry, I believe the name is Turndale, my
apologies Miss Turndale.
LIZZY (to herself) I should bloody-well think SO.
Now please return to your domestic life while I await the Home Office
decision.
wpa
ny jrtec
LIZZY (hissing at MARVIN) Now/stop being old Mac/and put on Hamlet! Lift your chin
up for starters! (Into the mike) He says - you must alert the principal
radio and television stations and press agencies at once. He says a news
broadcast must go out at once!
Ifit's publicity you need Mr. James you can trust the media to provide
more than is healthy for you, they are already talking and writing about
nothing else! Every headline is Marvin James and Lizzy Turnpike!
He cuts out. A silence for thought.
MARVIN (with sudden wonder, despite himself) We're in the news!
LIZZY:
You see?
MARVIN:
We could put on any show we liked!
LIZZY:
And we will!
(untt Heaoles)
MARVIN:
But-inprisont 1
doy- 2
LIZZY:
Do you think I'm going to allow that? Pll tell them it was all a hoax,
and we'll get a fine or suspended sentence or community service! I
shall tell them my screams were fake.
MARVIN (sneering) The best screams in the profession'!
LIZZY:
They are! They chill to the bone! Do you think Nigel Burbage


believed you when you were said you were taking me hostage? Of
course he didn't! He hasn't believed a word of yours in twenty years! It
was my screams that saved the day!
THE HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR breaks
in again.
Just to say Mr James there have already been a number of special news
broadcasts. Two television crews are setting up outside this theatre and
will give hourly coverage of what has become known as the Vic siege.
We're told CNN are running a special story with clips from your
Coward season on Broadway. Mr Burbage tells me that he has
announced your new Hamlet but SO far the media hasn't taken this up.
He's confident however that all this publicity will ensure early booking,
the courts permitting of course. Thus all you asked for and more has
been conceded---
LIZZY (grabbing the mike) He says he doesn't believe you're real police!
prke
Thank you for clearing that up Miss Turndale. Mr. James, ifyou don't
believe we're real just take a peep out of your window and you'll see at
least a dozen there, fully armed. Will you do that? Please do that Mr.
James.
Together MARVIN and LIZZY race to the
rooftop window upstage and glance below.
Having confirmed the presence of the police they
stare at each other with chastened astonishment
and in this mood steal backjte-the-dressingroom
as H.N.'s voice comes over again.
Have you taken a look Mr Marvin?
aghen
MARVIN (taking the mike) Yes I have!
Are you satisfied that the metropolitan police force is here in some
strength?
MARVIN:
Yes I am.
Thank you Mr James.


He cuts out.
MARVIN:
Oh my god!
LIZZY:
That's another ofyour nicknames.
MARVIN:
What is?
LIZZY:
Oh my god. They say Oh My God's threatening to do a one-man show
called 'On the Boards'.
MARVIN:
On the b---! I discussed it once, in New York, with Merrick--no one
else!
LIZZY:
There isn't much I don't know about you, dammit--another one of your
nicknames, dammit'. You're going to end on the rocks and not on the
boards unless you listen to me.
MARVIN:
Oh my god!
LIZZY:
All these years, I'm nineteen now (he registers mouthing disbelief),
you've figured in my masturbations! I think I saw every London
production you were in, and several of the Brighton flops. (As he is
about to protest) I had to go secretly because mummy would have
been furious had she known.
MARVIN (sneering) And her mother came too'!
LIZZY:
So I want my name next to yours on the boards, and I mean above the
play-title. I was born for Ophelia!
MARVIN (his mettle up) Ophelia my arse! You can get any actor in the world to put
his hand up your skirt without picking on me! Ophelia isn't a hot-pants
any more than Hamlet is just a pair of legs! (Striding about
dramatically while she watches him first with curiosity, then with awe)
Why for God's sake was I given SO much charisma? Why the magnetic
personality, the eyes that turn heads with a glance, the smile that while
it hasn't exactly launched a thousand ships has flooded a thousand hulls
with moist thoughts! I never had a leading lady who didn't fall in love
with me! I never knew in all my life a single girl who didn't buckle at
the knees on touching my hand! (Closing in on her) My mother told


me all about your damnéd breed! Yes I too had a mother! And a finer
actress never crossed the boards! She warned me early what seething
cauldrons of manipulation you cunt-people are, using our natural terror
oft the mother to install a new reign for yourselves! Why else do you
think Hamlet told her Ift thou wilt marry, marry a fool, for wise men
know well enough what monsters you make of them'? Ipleaded with
mama, for God's sake inhibit my charisma I said, the girls are going to
give me trouble, they'll hang round the stage doors, solicit my agents,
sleep with my managers to get me for life! Why insist mama that my
eyes should be hypnotic, my lips beyond reproach, my walk, my stance,
my gaze, even my way of thinking and choice of words SO far beyond
ordinary capacities that into whatever drawing room I set foot they turn
towards me as one creature and ask each other with importuning nudges
Who is that?".
lel
A dead silence after a speech that
seems to stun even him.
LIZZY:
You see, you really can act when you want to.
MARVIN:
LIZZY:
I mean, when that play was running you gobbled all the words like they
were little balls of arse paper. I saw it as a girl oft thirteen. Of course I
realise you were supposed to be a ham actor in it but even ham actors
have natural feelings sometimes. (Gazing at him with some
puzzlement) Even when you were throttling me a little while back it
felt like a stage throttle. And when you were playing with my tits it
felt like I was reading a book about it. So the first didn't scare me and
the second didn't turn me on.
MARVIN:
Would you have wished me to use a real knife? Or make love to you
hardly knowing your name?
LIZZY:
Why shouldn't Ophelia be a hot-pants? But it isn't only Ophelia I'm
after, it's a production of Hamlet on my terms, got it? No more talking
heads. No more striding round the stage in that fucking drag I know
you're going to bring out, swishing your dress in all our noses and
letting the audience see the good side of your face and never the bad,
which is the most ofit.


MARVIN (drunk with insults now) You're trying to get into my pants, that' S all you want
but don't be SO sure you'd like it once you got there---a lot of ladies have
had their little fannies burned, they remained in agony for the rest of
their lives, hoping for a repeat and never getting it! Two suicides,
untold nervous breakdowns, the close of at least five promising stage
careers! Why deliberately invite a situation in which you retire to a
low-rent suburb for the next sixty years with photos and memories to
live on? Oh I admit you're quite intelligent! You can talk like a
character out of George Bernard Shaw but, Miss Turnoff, this won't end
in an upper class drawing room in a gale oflaughter but the Tower of
London for me and Wormwood Scrubs for you! Because you're
colluding in the kidnap, I'm going to tell them that right now---
LIZZY (managing to retain the mike by hitting in the balls with it) And I'm going to
marry you!
MARVIN (writhing with astonishment) Marry me? Nobody's ever succeeded in doing
that!
LIZZY:
Why else do you think we were flung together? Don'tyou see what a
wonderful story we're cooking up between us? World famous actor
marries his own hostage! Tries to cut her throat but suddenly sees her
as his leading lady and they play together for the rest oftheir lives like
Lunt and Fontann! (Approaching him as he draws away) Darling, I
saw the potential the moment that phoney dagger touched my neck---I
thought this is all too ham, no one's going to believe him---I'm going to
have to scream, it'll bring half of Scotland Yard round! You needed a
woman to push you into a knighthood, Marvin!
MARVIN:
I'd rather die than be a king in your fucking arms!
LIZZY:
Oh nonsense, you go green with envy every time a fag gets hit on the
shoulder with the royal sword! (Imitating his highly individual
pronunciation of English) 'Why no heteros? What's unknightable
about a normal sexual impulse?'
1 ludone baric)
I'm afraid there are fuse problems in the house! There may be a
blackout and our communication may be severed---!
BLACKOUT.


TWO
The scene opens on the same 1
BLACKOUT. We gradually
discern dim street lights at the
upstage window, very dim.
nothing stirs.
There are footsteps actor's right,
from the staircase area. We
perceive a moving light. This is
from a hand-held torch of
considerable power and it is the
hands of a stout POLICE
WOMAN. She has a radio mike
attached to her head, and a few
centimetres from her mouth.
It is solely through the agency of
her lamp that we see that
MARVIN and LIZZY are asleep
on the settee. LIZZY is more or
less on top ofl him, still in his
dressing gown.
Her panties are on the floor W ID
her shoes, and a flick of the lamp
reveals them to UsO
POLICEWOMAN: This is Ada speaking. Ada... .Is this on film---only they've got to Xhow
have it first thing in the morning, right?.. What' S that? keep my voice
down? You don't think I could wake these two do you? not after
what they've been doing all night,mate. I was on duty outside, SO I
knowYou never saw anything like it! I was embarrassed, I thought I
could certainly use my husband tonight, I haven't seen him for twenty
years! In fact I nearly walked off duty. I didn't know where to put
the cupboard) As to the arms cache, there's only where he
keeps knives, the theatrical ones he tried to kill her with, talk about
togpeitA
bonkers eh? (Wandering upstage and disappearing from view) I'm in
Tes didic wake love, they al ee c Ohw aline!


the kitchen area, she's got a dress hanging up over the bath, it's wet,
also somebody here doesn't know how to pull the chain, it's her by the
look ofit, there's paper galore down there, well that's a woman if you
ask me, a man just flicks it doesn't he?
kail they
She sets the WC going.
male?
Sae
POLICEWOMAN (cont.,) What tickles me is that when youl'em on the stage it brings
you out in goose pimples, they can do what they like with you,Imake
you laugh and cry agn in the same breath! It must take some doing you
know, stands to reason doesn'ti it? Anyway, I've finished up here.
(Strolling to the staircase area) Just let me get down the stairs, then you
switch the lights back on. That'll stir'ema bit! Ifyou ask me (her light
is disappearing) they've been pulling the wool over everybody's eyes,
and that goes for Scotland Yard too!
Her heavy steps on the stairs, and
her hand-held light, have gone.
The scene for a time remains
blacked out, then the lights come
up full and blinding.
Blinking awake LIZZY and
MARVIN are surprised to find
themselves where they are, and
with whom, and at what degree of
proximity.
They slump helplessly back into
sleep.
out
H.N. (VO) Mr James. Miss Turndale?
They fail to wake.
H.N. (VO, cont.) Are you there Mr James?
MARVIN stirs.
MARVIN (mumbling) What happened for christsake?


LIZZY (her eyes still closed) I'm probably pregnant. That's what happened.
MARVIN:
I'm asking him not you.
toum
Mr James, Miss Turndalé, the light cables have just been repaired.
Could you report back that your lighting system works? Are you
hearing me?
MARVIN fumbles for the mike
under LIZZY.
LIZZY (eyes still closed) God, not again! Do you want my blood as well?
MARVIN:
I'm looking for the fucking mike!
He finds it. LIZZY sighs with
pleasure, still mostly asleep.
MARVIN (cont., into the mike) Yes we've got the lights.
A simple fuse, Mr.James. Due to all the excitement no doubt. The
police are still rather worried about your arms cache. They didn't want
to burst in and kill you both as a safety measure.
MARVIN:
This idiot Turnstile made all that up! Her screams were fake too! (As
LIZZY struggles to get hold of the mike, landing them both on the floor
amid bedclothes)!
Then you're unarmed sir?
MARVIN (clinging to the mike) Well of course I'm unarmed! The only gun I ever used
was a stage gun' and-that-seared-my-balls-off.
It was only yesterday Miss Turnpike told us you had an arms cache
sophisticated enough to make them green with envy.
MARVIN:
She knows no more about guns than I do---that was a quote from a play
she was in about Bonny and Clyde.
Are you saying then that the idea of taking her hostage never came into


your head?
MARVIN:
Oh in a dramatic sort of way it did but not seriously.
Then may I ask, putting aside our doubts about your truthfulness, what
was Miss Turnpike 's motive in all this?
MARVIN (they are fighting for the mike now) Publicity for God's S sake! The fact is she
wants to play Ophelia to my Hamlet. Ifyou ask me she couldn't play
Hamlet's skull!
She lands him a blow in his balls
which forbids further speech on
his side but he clings to the mike
with a determination she would
at any other time have admired.
And what about her screams?
MARVIN:
They were faked!
They were very convincing to us, not to say the police.
MARVIN:
That's because they're RADA screams---the best in the profession!
But what was her motive in screaming?
MARVIN:
Publicity! What else?
Publicity for what?
MARVIN (dodging a blow from her) Herself! She wants to be a household name without
having worked for it!
Very well. Now if Miss Turndale can corroborate what you've just told
us, which means her telling us right now that she hasn't been injured or
molested, which we know she has, I think we might be able to expunge
a few of the charges against you but no means all, seeing how many
policeman have been called off their usual duties.
MARVIN (hissing from under the table at LIZZY) Why the hell don't you speak?


LIZZY (hissing back) I've got nothing to say!
We hear nothing from Miss Turndale. So I'm afraid all we can do is to
offer a solemn prayer---a little prayer that God intercedes to bring about
as clement a sentence on you as possible, and that peace enter the local
magistrate's heart. (Whispering a prayer) May God's mercy intercede to
bring mercy into the hearts of the High Court judges.
LIZZY (hissing) Say Amen!
MARVIN:
Balls!
The intercom cuts off. He crawls
out from under the table.
MARVIN:
Trust a rep actress to get me in the courts. We'll be here for months and
months---it tale the Home Office two years to file a receipt for fifteen rake
quid that should have gone to the War Office anyway. (Going close to
her) If we walk out of this alive, Miss Turnoff, I shall file charges
against you.
LIZZY (with a smile) I have your baby inside. I mean you not only fucked me, you
fucked me as ifyou'd never had a woman. I know young men who
would have been hospitalised after less than what you did. It was like
one of those plays which, instead of ending, develop ever more facets
of plot, making one yearn for the refreshments bar while still rivetted to
one's seat.
MARVIN:
That's out of a show. I don't remember which.
LIZZY:
You weren't in it, I was. At least I think so, my mind's wandering this
morning.
MARVIN:
It didn't wander all through the night.
LIZZY:
Oh, I get hot at the sound of a zip. Where the hell's the loo?
MARVIN:
You are in a state. Straight on and turn left chine he
He paces up and down as we hear
the lid of the loo being slammed
down, followed by the sound of


her peeing.
MARVIN (cont., as she returns) Ialways find that women can be divided into two
categories, those who leave the door of the john open and the lavatory
un-flushed, and those well-bred enough both to close the door and pull
the chain. I've just realised, by the way, who you remind me of.
LIZZY:
Who except your mother?
MARVIN:
My mother. She used to leave the john door open. And she never
washed her hands afterwards.
LIZZY:
Soap's bad for the skin.
MARVIN:
That's what she always says. And she talks to her lovers like you talk to
me. To soften them up in case they ever play opposite her. She played
opposite some of the greatest men---
LIZZY:
And screwed them all, I know! 'Dame Helen James plays offstage
games'. Down comes the curtain, up goes her skirt, One thing's
certain, he'll get his little squirt.'
MARVIN:
You perfectly horrible creature!
LIZZY:
'First the play, then the lay, Helen James will have her way.' Helen's
on the hunt, with her outsize---'
MARVIN (clutching her throat) This is my mother!
LIZZY:
She plays little tricks with gentlemen's---
H.N. breaks in over the
intercom.
Are you there Mr James? I've been in conversation with both the
Home Office and the police and I'm relieved to say we've won an hour's
reprieve. During that time none of us will move from our present
quarters. The police have meanwhile withdrawn from the immediate
vicinity of the theatre to a mobile canteen. Do you have provisions Mr
James?


MARVIN looks round for the
mike and LIZZY is already
holding it out for him.
MARVIN (into the mike) A few tins of baked beans, a ham, some cheese biscuits, milk
and coffee and tea and there's some booze, also caviar.
Well supplied ifI may say SO Mr James!
H.N. cuts out.
MARVIN:
Listen to me. Here's what I propose. Ifwe leave here safe and sound
I shall give you an income for life and provide for the kid, supposing
you're pregnant, which since you say you are you almost certainly
aren't. But there's to be nothing more intimate than that between us, do
you hear?
LIZZY:
Not even a weekly visit to see the child?
MARVIN:
No phone-calls saying the money hasn't arrived this month and the little
chap has been having a bad time with his teeth--
LIZZY (tenderly) It's going to be a boy?
MARVIN:
It usually is where the woman's an OX and the man sensitive, it's a
genetic reaction. Anyway I don't intend to allow the greatest
dependency syndrome ever devised by female oxen to develop.
LIZZY:
You love me don't you?
MARVIN:
That's precisely why I'm getting all this straight now, to prepare you for
the letdown. (Sitting on the sofa) The very fact that I make love to you
three times in a row at my age is my cue to pull out much more quickly
than even I would normally do. You see, Miss Turnout, I was my
mother's domestic slave and you've got mother written all over your
empty face. From the age oft ten I served her breakfast in bed.
(Suddenly desperate) Do you know, Lizzy---?
LIZZY (rapture) You called me Lizzy!
She runs to him and sits close to


him. He clasps her to him and
stares before him. The silence
weighs heavily on them.
MARVIN (at the edge of tears, staring before him) We're finished!
LIZZY (about to cry too) I know!
MARVIN:
And we did it ourselves.
LIZZY:
Yes we did! Why?
They sit clasping each other,
cheek to cheek in their fear. For
the first time they cease to be
actors.
LIZZY (cont.) What are they going to do?
MARVIN:
Put us in prison. We went too far!
She nods vehemently.
MARVIN (cont.,) But ours is a proud profession Lizzy! Proud and brave! So we'll go out
performing, they can arrest whjile we're performing, we'll give
ourselves up!.(Standing up slowly, as ifbusy with his memory) You
remember what your brother told you about me?
LIZZY:
I don't have a brother.
MARVIN:
His name's Laertes!
LIZZY (still shivering with fear) Ah! Yes!
MARVIN:
He'sjust off to France and he warns you against Hamlet, he says keep
away from him because he's not an ordinary man, he's the future king!
He's been getting madder and madder---no more kisses and love
glances and promises for you--because his will isn't his own any more!
(Acting) 'Hold it a fashion and a boy in blood:
A violet in the youth of primy nature,
Forward, not permanent; sweet, not lasting.


LIZZY (acting too, with great sorrow) No more but so?
MARVIN:
Think it no more.
For nature, crescent, does not grow alone
In thews and bulk; but as this temple waxes
Grows wide withal. Perhaps he loves you now;
And now no soil nor cautel doth besmirch
The virtue ofhis will; but you must fear,
His greatness weigh'd, his will is not his own,
For he himselfi is subject to his birth.
He may not, as unvalu'd persons do,
Carve for himself, for on his choice depends
The safety and the health of the whole state.
For he himself is subject to his birth.
He may not, as unvalu'd persons do,
Carve for himself; for on his choice depends
The safety and the health of the whole state!
LIZZY:
I shall obey my lord!
MARVIN:
Now the scene where you give Hamlet back his letters.
LIZZY (taking up a script from the table and holding it out to him)
My lord I have remembrances of yours
That I have longed long to redeliver.
I pray you now receive them.
MARVIN (turning away) No, no, I never gave you aught.
LIZZY (breaking down) Oh Marvin don' 't look at me like that---
MARVIN:
Play, play!
LIZZY:
My honoured lord, you know right well you did,
And with them words of so sweet breath composed
As made the things more rich. Their perfume lost,
Take these again; for to the noble mind
Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.
There, my lord.
MARVIN (without taking the letters) Ha, ha? Are you honest?


LIZZY (bowing) My lord.
MARVIN:
Are you fair?
LIZZY:
What means your lordship?
MARVIN:
That ifyou be honest and fair, your honesty should admit no discourse
to your beauty.
LIZZY:
Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than with honesty?
MARVIN:
Ay, truly, for the power ofl beauty---!
They are suddenly interrupted by
I'm going to take a great personal risk! I'm coming upstairs to see you!
He cuts off.
LIZZY:
Coming up here?
They wait, gaping at the staircase
area. We hear heavy footsteps,
running.
TOM CROWELL appears.
CROWELL (marvelling at them) You've done it! You've done it! It's what we've all
been waiting for! I'm Tom Crowell by the way, Crowell!
They gape.
CROWELL (cont.) You've come back---back to the living stage, Marvin! It's been
terrible for you both and I'm sorry about that but I've struggled too! Up
and down those bloody stairs being two police officers, one a man and
one a woman, also a crack shot with a sub-machine gun, also a doctor,
and don't forget I had all those bloody Hostage Negotiator speeches
too, in a way they were the worst because they didn't give me any rest,
my worry was ifI was going to get hoarse, then the game would have


been up, but you see it was all being watch by my clients downstairs,
that was very encouraging for me, in fact it held me together. But Nigel
Burbage and I decided we had to do something drastic and I also
wanted to see if my take-offs were good, I mean they're secretly the
pride ofr my life. Don'tyou see, we had to get you closeted together like
a couple of pigeons! We decided we had to do something drastic and
quick and if necessary rather cruel. And now you've done it, both of
you! You don't even need a script, we've got it all on screen
downstairs! I mean it's my money in this theatre!
After this lengthy outburst they
are gaping even harder.
MARVIN:
You mean---? It was all---? A hoax?
CROWELL:
Not a hoax, Marvin, not a hoax but a hard gruelling uphill climb---yes
of subterfuge and deception, I freely confess it!
MARVIN:
No threat of-imprisonment, any imprisonment, even two weeks?
CROWELL:
Nothing, nothing!
MARVIN:
It was all made up?
CROWELL:
For your good, Marvin! To get you performing again!
MARVIN:
It was---all, all---untrue?
CROWELL:
All!
LIZZY(studying him intently) You're Nigel's counsellor, aren'tyou---the shrink?
CROWELL:
Not shrink. Transaction analyst. I also do neuro-linguistic
programming.
MARVIN (with utmost poise) Most intriguing. So there was never a question of life
sentences hovering over us?
CROWELL:
Never.
MARVIN:
Your name is close to 'cruel' 2 Mr. Crow-well!


COWELL:
I've already confessed to the cruelty but Nigel and I thought it was the
only thing that would work. We puzzled for weeks about how to get
you in front of a live audience again, instead of living in a wanker's
palace staring at himself in a mirror! As you now know, our plot was
intricate but also thorough, worked out to the last detail. When your
good Ophelia here told Nigel she was in love with you and begged him
to let her come upstairs as your coffee girl he jumped at it! He said I
can feel they're a couple, it's only a hunch but it's worth trying, what
do you say? And I said yes.
MARVIN:
A neat if cold experiment.
LIZZY (turning on him) This is a wanker's palace! At least it was!
MARVIN (jumping up) And now it isn't! You're perfectly right! Do you like champagne
Mr Crow-bar?
CROWELL:
Ifyou mean me, yes I would---nothing better! In fact we can drink
to your future success!
MARVIN goes to the upstage
area.
LIZZY (calling out to him) Why the hell do you have to play about with people's names?
CROWELL:
Don't be angry with him, Miss Turn--Turn---?
LIZZY:
For the last three days I've been Turndown, Turnout, Turnoff and
Tumpike--Turpike was your favourite.
CROWELL (heated) But as your Hostage Negotiator I had to accept his variations, didn't
I? I mean officially I knew nothing about you!
LIZZY (quietly) Oh do shut up.
CROWELL:
Now that's one thing I can't oblige you with! It's time I talked straight
and the first thing I'm going to say is that my workshop downstairs has
been providing all the money for this theatre and SO it has for at least
the last two years.


The pop of a champagne cork
flying comes from the upstage
area.
CROWELL (cont.) Of course you both played your part and you provided my audience
not only with a perfect moment by moment picture of autism but also
wonderful entertainment, which went to their hearts! You see, autism is
my subject.
MARVIN comes clinking in with
a tray of champagne already
poured..
COWEL (cont.) IfBettelsheim were here today--Bettelsheim originated the word
autism---I think he would give me top marks for the finest motion-
picture account of autistic behaviour ever.. He described autists as
driving a sort of car through life---everything in the car has been made
by them and reflects only them, without any suggestion of the world
outside! The walls, the pictures, the fittings and the curtains and the
carpets are all mirrors of themselves, and wherever they go they drive
this vehicle in dreamy disregard of other people's lives! Don'tyou see
that actors are natural, born autists? You afforded my audiences
downstairs a daily living example of everything I was teaching them!
Which, since they were financing your fool's paradise up here, was
rather fortunate for you too wasn't it?!
MARVIN:
You mean to say we were on film night and day---(as CROWELL
opens his mouth to speak)---SO may I ask Mr. Screwball what they felt
about, well, my voice, personality, comportment, and of course Miss
Turndale's Ophelia?
CROWELL:
They thought you both utterly bewitchingl-these two live their theatre,
they said, they have that lovely trick of making you feel inside them as
they are inside you!
MARVIN (looking at LIZZY as he sets the tray down) It was a long haul, Mr. Crumble, a
cruel one, very frightening, but as long as were appreciated!
LIZZY (to CROWELL) I wasn't quite convinced by your take-off of my ex-husband
Nigel Burbage, more especially as Iknew he was in Pennsylvania
touring a pre-Broadway show.


CROWELL (anxiously) But my takeoffs in general, are they good do you think?
LIZZY (as Marvin sets her glass down by her) Unsurpassable.
CROWELL (glowing) It used to annoy my mother---she said 'you and your bloody
take-offs, why don'tyou be yourself for a change? (Wistfully, as
MARVIN hands him his champagne) It was a good question. And now
let us drink to your future success in---!
MARVIN:
We will do nothing of the kind sir! In the theatre drinking to the success
of anything is the VERY KISS OF DEATH! Let us simply drink to
each other.
CROWELL:
Then to your health Miss Turndale, to your health Marvin.
MARVIN (as they touch glasses) And to yours for snatching us from death!
CROWELL (after they have drunk) And you won't forget that I brought you together in a
love I hope will never perish! May we drink to that too?
MARVIN:
We may indeed!
He touches glasses with LIZZY
and they give each other a long
loving look, then touch glasses
with CROWELLO
MARVIN (cont.) And this house will be our sole venue---we shall appear nowhere else!
CROWELL:
Hear, hear!
LIZZY (with a shrewd managerial look) Except when on tour.
MARVIN:
Except when on tour.
CROWELL (after they have drunk, jumping to his feet) I must rush. My workshop has
already assembled. And this evening you must both come downstairs
and start blocking your moves on a real stage!
MARVIN:
But who's our director?


CROWELL:
You have your play on film! That's your book, your director, your
ASM, everything! Just play the film over and over again!
LIZZY:
But we must have Nigel's approval!
CROWELL:
He's given it already! He's in raptures! (On his way out) I sent him the
film!
He stops uncertainly.
CROWELL (cont) There' 's just one other thing---your pregnancy Miss Turn. Dale.
LIZZY:
Why don't you call me Lizzy?
CROWELL (brightly) Well! Thank you!
MARVIN:
A pregnancy's perfectly all right. All I do when I say Ha, ha? Art thou
honest? is make a flicking gesture towards her belly---I mean Hamlet
and Ophelia did have sex in some form, we know that.
CROWELL:
Ingenious, ingenious! (On the way out but stopping again) Oh and I
should mention that I'm letting this space out as from tomorrow---to
dance companies-as it always was in the past---SO can you find
alternative digs?
MARVIN:
Digs? I have a more than adequate three-bedroom apartment in
Marylebone!
LIZZY (brightly) Oh! (As ifthey'd never met before) Do you really?
MARVIN:
My mother bought it for me years ago hoping I'd never set foot in her
house again---which to her intense annoyance I never did!
CROWELL:
Ah Marvin, you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth---not like
me, eh, a working class boy!
MARVIN:
What are you talking about? My mother spent her life resting, as she
put it, namely failing to get into shows. Most boys had eggs and bacon
for breakfast but not me. She said 'oh I can't run to that' but I saw she
could run to her vodka all right.


CROWELL:
How lucky you were then that Nigel invited you here and you became
the most perfect autistic model in town!
They stare after him with
cheerfully complacent.wonder as
he leaves.
LIZZY:
Well, our cup seems to be full!
MARVIN:
Yes but fancy saying autist for artist! I mean it's SO affected!
LIZZY:
Ik know! And what was all that about autists driving around in rooms?.
MARVIN:
Only he can know! Then he brings up a German name---Bettle
something what's a German doing in all this? I mean the word 'art'
was Latin, Ialways thought! (Imitating CROWELL) Cezanne was an
autist! Picasso was an autist'!
They fall about laughing.
LIZZY:
And we're perfauming autists!
MARVIN:
Quick, we He going to lunch! (As they both rush to get their coats) I
mean ifyou can't pronounce ordinary common words how can you even
mimic people, though I must say he's a genius at that. (Getting into his
hat and overcoat while LIZZY fetches a cloak we haven't SO far seen )
Good God! That's my mother's cloak---it's marvellous on you!
BOTH:
And her mother came too'!
MARVIN (cont.) Actually what I was thinking while old Cow-pad talked his head off
was we'll do the Old Chap straight! That'll shake 'em!.
LIZZY:
Not in original costume?
MARVIN:
In original costume! It's the only avant garde thing left. We'll show
the kids how you make up, what it feels like to put a doublet and hose
TOGETHER: We'll teach them how to stand and breathe and project! We'll turn this


nation of slouches into men and women!
CROWELL (over the intercom system) But Marvin that's a lovely idea! It's SO important
to reach out to communities! Wonderful! Wonderful! And my clients
down here think SO too! Can your hear them clapping?
They stare at each other as the
sound of clapping comes from
below.
MARVIN (as he sets his hat at an angle and takes up his stick) Where was that bit from
by the way?
LIZZY:
May Buds!
MARVIN:
Of course! And now to Whites, my girl, it's visitors day!
TOGETHER (as they walk off and the music from May Buds comes over) I'll get that
bloody peerage yet!