luud u Çaue
Ophelii
difpugt
2008-56 pages


AND IN CAME OPHELIA
A Comedy
MAURICE ROWDON 2008
email: rowdoxy@aol.com


CHARACTERS
JAMES MARVIN, ACTOR
LIZZY TURNDALE, VISITOR
TOM CROWELL, THEATRE MANAGER


ONE
THE SCENE opens on the empty dressing room
ofl MARVIN JAMES at the Vic in the Strand.
Our first impression is of a bright extravagant
show-biz version of a dressing room that might
be suitable for a musical, and indeed it is a
surprise that MARVIN doesn't open with a
song. Being the size of a stage it is equipped as
one, with a slight rake and a sophisticated light
and sound console, the whole space having once
been a rehearsal room frequently hired out to
ballet companies.
Downstage actor's right there is a dressing
table with the conventional dressing room
mirror framed with naked light bulbs, except
that there is no glass in the frame and we see
MARVIN JAMES through it when he makes
On the dressing table are two wigs, one grey
(for the play which MARVIN won't dare name
but which takes place in Scotland) and the other
a deep blue-black (for HAMLET). They are on
mounts.
At MARVIN's right hand is a further table
containing the light-and-sound console, together
with a land-line phone, a mobile phone, a loose
radio mike and unopened letters.
This spoiled man is thus connected to every part
of the theatre below him. His swivel chair is a
soft leather article coloured burgundy.
At roughly centre stage there is a settee partly
covered with play-scripts which can easily be
thrown off if sexual dalliance is scripted, and .
there is for this purpose a thick outsize blanket


and an ample supply of gaudy cushions.
The staircase entrance to all this is actor's
right, its doors made of Perspex.
Upstage there is a wide screened-off area with
an inner room whose wide windows look out on
rooftops and afford a view---to those who go
close to it---of the street below and the entrance
to the Stage Door.
Downstage, left, there is a cupboard in which
MARVIN keeps certain props of a theatrically
historical value.
When the action begins the scene is empty.
Then the staircase door is pushed open slowly
by a cane.
The cane is followed by a yellow-gloved
hand and an elegantly cut sleeve owned by
MARVIN JAMES, a handsome man in his (to
say the least) early middle age. He is dressed
urbanely in a striped suit and his hat is set at an
angle last seen in Jack Buchanan's day.
He walks to the console and deftly touches a
button with his stick to bring up the theme
music from one ofl his musical shows, May
Buds. This music has a highly rhythmic,
dramatic aura best suggested by Brian Eno (The
Jezebel Spirit and Help me Somebody are useful
models).
MARVIN at once goes into his dance routine
from that show. We don't expect such expertise
when combined, as it is, with a suave dated
appearance. Soon his steps pick up to make a
real performance.


At the end he switches the sound off and
deposits his stick in a rack for that purpose near
the door and then sits down at the dressing
table.
He finds, as usual, a copy of The Times before
him and with astonishing rapidity races through
every page and every column and then in fury
screws it up into a ball and throws it in the
wastepaper basket.
He returns to perfect calm at once, gazing at
himself with the detachment of an actor who has
been through almost everything. Just as he
begins making himself up the land-line phone
rings. He takes no notice. It stops ringing. He
pencils in wrinkles. He leaves this to try on
his wig for the Scottish Play, as he calls it.
The phone rings again. He nonchalantly fits
the wig. He returns to the wrinkle pencil,
tipping the phone deftly off the hook. There is
the faint crackle of a voice at the other end. As
he paints the face in we see that he clearly
favours a Henry Irving view of the Scottish
Gentleman as sardonic and evil. He then dries
his hands and picks up the phone.
MARVIN:
Hullo?. .Yes.. You what? Could you repeat that?. You want a pair
ofmy socks?.. .No you can't, you can bloody well sweat in your own!
What an idea, collecting great actors' socks! Anyway, how did you get
my number?.. What?.. Well why in the hell didn't you say SO in the
first place?.. .Ah, you've had a series of shocks, I thought you said
socks!.. But when were you anything but shocked? And when were box
office receipts anything but down?.. : ..Listen, I told you ages ago, they'll
never take another play by the Old Chap this year, particularly after that
lousy Lear. I'was all for doing a Coward revival... Yes Il know
there've been three this year but they are safe. Having once filled the
Henry Miller theatre with Present Laughter I know what I'm talking
about.. .It had nothing to do with your direction, a Coward play directs
itself! They were touting tickets at hundreds of dollars! Forty percent


of my capacity was black. I refer to the colour of their skin. Coward
was pure WASP until I came along.... What? You've been told that
wherever I appear the house is always paper? I've never had paper in a
show of mine, you must be delirious!... What? you don't know what
papering a show means? So am I really talking to Nigel Burbage, the
director of most of my shows? You must be in a state of mental
collapse, man! Very well, let me remind you of what papering a show
means. It's when you send free tickets to nurses and other organisations
and you make-believe you have an audience, only the box office
doesn't get a single penny!. Well of course it's going to be paper for
The Play, we'll be lucky to sell the first row! It makes me sick doing
The Play---I mean he's such a miserable old bugger, murdering people
in their beds and getting on his wife's nerves and having nightmares at
the dinner table. I know what I'dhave told him to do with that brief
candle ifl'd been his wife! Anyway, what are the takings?. ..Oh my
God! Very well! I shan't go on! Full dress rehearsal this evening and
miserable takings, I won't do it!... What's that? I'm upset because The
Times didn't mention me this morning? I've told you repeatedly I don't
give a damn about The Times, I don't even take it, let alone read it (with
a bland glance at the wastepaper basket). As for you, you're sore
because you can't direct, it's simply not within your range of gifts, it
never has been. I shall never forget the time I stood behind no fewer
than fifteen armour-clad henchmen at the Final Dress and your little
voice comes piping up from the stalls--- Marvin's completely masked!".
Masked, I was obliterated! Nobody could see the top of my head, let
alone hear me speak! That's not blocking, that's blundering!. I see,
you're too distraught to speak are you? And you've heard it all before
have you?. Your who? Your ex-wife? I didn't even know you were
married.. .She what?. Well of course she left you, you got a divorce
didn'tyou?.. You went back together?.. You married her twice? And
what's the state of play at the moment?. She ran out of the house---?
LIZZY TURNDALE enters right via the
Perspex door, a cup of coffee in her
hand. She is a bright attractive young
woman with wide black eyes and she is
in a very fine costume.
She stands there uncertainly, glancing
about the dressing room in an inquisitive,
even insatiable manner.


MARVIN (cont.) To what---bring me a cup ofcoffee? And what the devil for?...
Because she's in love with me? Oh for God's sake man they all say
that! Anyway I'm not responsible for your domestic skirmishing. As
far as I'm concerned you've cooked your bloody goose this
morning-you've lost the play and its male lead in one fell swoop! I'm
certainly not going to play to a 55% house. But I'll tell you what I am
going to do. I'm going to play Hamlet.
LIZZY nearly drops the coffee with
surprise. He slams the phone down and
only now seems to realise what he has
just said. He leans back in his burgundy
chair gazing before him in a dream.
MARVIN (to himself, mumbling) Ha, ha? Are you honest?
LIZZY:
MARVIN (jumping out ofhis skin) Who the---?
He stares at her, then at the cup she is
holding. He rises with studied courtesy
and takes it from her, then deposits it on
his dressing table.
Suddenly he turns and grabs her. She is
about to scream but he puts his hand over
her mouth.
MARVIN (cont.) Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?
(Breaking from her) No dammit, itjust won't do!
He returns to his dressing table sulkily
and resumes his making up. But
suddenly he tears off his wig and begins
creaming out his wrinkles.
He puts on a smoother foundation and is
quickly a younger if not young man. He
tries on the blue-black wig and leans


back with some satisfaction.
During all this LIZZY's astonishment
gives way to steady curiosity. She sits
down quietly on the settee.
MARVIN (cont.) Whose idea was that, bringing me coffee? Not our director's by any
chance? Not Nigel Burbage's, your husband's? What a ridiculous
idea to assume the name of an Elizabethan actor, don'tyou think so?
Burbage my foot! He's gone mad anyway, I'vej just talked to him---he
suddenly can't remember what papering a show means! (He sips the
coffee) You've put sugar in. (Resuming his making up) Never put sugar
in Marvin James's coffee. Put it in his tea. Not his coffee. They know it
at the Savoy and the Alconquin but in the theatre where he's been
resident star for fifteen years news is apparently slow to travel.
(Without looking in her direction) Why are you here? Wheedled your
way into the job to get my autograph or something? Are you after my
socks? Chap on the phone this morning was after my socks. You
have nice tits, I'll say that.
LIZZY:
MARVIN:
She speaks but one word--me'. (Turning to her with a leer) Me, me,
me, me!
LIZZY:
Who the bloody hell do you think you are?
MARVIN:
Oh my God not that line! (Continuing his make-up) Not after Eliza
Doolittle! What's your name anyway? I mean your maiden one.
LIZZY:
Lizzy Turndale.
A stunned silence. He turns towards her
slowly.
MARVIN:
No one's called Lizzy Turndale. It's impossible. And you've made a bad
thing worse by abbreviating the Elizabeth, don't you see that?
However, it's the turn in Turndale I dislike most. Turning round,
turning away, turning up, turning out, it's all bad news, reminding one
of funerals, Wednesday matinees and Number Two tours, not to say the
closing of shows on second nights. It spells something rather worse


than doom---the drab. Elizabeth has been overdone anyway---two
queens and Taylor. No, Lizzy Turndale's completely self-defeating.
What's your real name?
LIZZY:
Jean Stokes.
MARVIN:
That makes me like Lizzy Turndale.
LIZZY (gazing at him) It's exactly what he said. You're completely unreal.
MARVIN (unruffled) Who said?
LIZZY:
Nigel Burbage of course! My husband! And he's just about to direct
you in Mac---!
MARVIN (jumping up in wild panic) STOP! What did you say? Oh my God! You
said it! You said the word (dragging her up from the settee and pulling
her roughly to the staircase door). YOU NAMED THE SCOTTISH
PLAY! IN A THEATRE! Get out, go on! (Pushing her out through the
staircase door and closing it smartly, then at the top ofhis voice)
KNOCK! KNOCK THREE TIMES!
LIZZY (off)
What?
MARVIN:
What, what, get off the pot! This is a matter of life and death! Knock on
the fucking door three times!
LIZZY knocks rather deafeningly on the door.
He is vastly relieved.
MARVIN (cont.) You may come in.
She re-enters.
MARVIN (cont.) Now turn round three times. Turn! QUICK!
He whirls her round three times.
MARVIN (cont., hurrying back to his dressing table) I'll have to tell Nigel about this.
It'll kill him. In fact we can't go on. (Grabbing the phone) Oh my
God. We'll have to do Brighton and all stations to Richmond, oh my


God (dialling), I told him we'd never be able to open cold like this.
Nigel? The woman, God knows who picked her up for the kitchen, she
came in here and named the fucking Play... .Yes, she actually named it!
She'll be whistling next, the stupid bitch! I sent her outside but it's a
bad omen Nigel and I think we'd better open at Brighton.. (Aghast)
Very quietly he puts the phone down, leans back
in his chair and takes a leisurely sip of coffee.
Then he gets up and approaches her.
MARVIN (cont., quiet and measured) So you're an actress. (Putting his nose within an
inch of hers, as she is about to speak) You came here on the pretext of
bringing me my morning coffee and---! hey, wait a minute! Didn't he
tell me you were in love with me? (Sitting down by her) Now let's go
into this sensibly. What's the real reason you're here?
LIZZY:
I'm in love with you.
MARVIN:
Quite normal, but why did you name The Scottish Play?
LIZZY:
Because you don't want to play in it.
MARVIN (rather taken aback) That's perfectly true. Now why don't I want to play in
LIZZY:
Mostly I think because you don't know how to.
MARVIN:
That's because I don't want to.
LIZZY:
For one thing you're too old-fashioned for the part.
MARVIN:
Old fashioned?---I'm the most avant garde man in the business,
students travel from all over the world to see my Shakespeare as a new
event!
LIZZY:
But all that's old hat!
MARVIN:
Avant garde means ahead ofthe time darling!
LIZZY:
People don't even say 'avant garde'! Mostly they don't even know what


it means! And all you do is turn plays on their head--Julius Caesar a
fairy, Othello a dwarf and deathly pale when he's actually black! and
the top brass don't like it---your males always have to be in drag and
your females in high boots carrying whips, it's all SO obvious!
MARVIN (gasping for air, hardly audible) But everyone knows--my characterisations
are diaphonous, pellucid--words used by the critics--you see, the Old
Chap's plays work far better for the surface being flawed, I play against
the character, don't you see that?
LIZZY (with a touch of compassion) But you go too far---your Romeo behaves as ifhe
hates Juliet and sneers his way through the tender lines and in such a
rush you can't understand a word, Hamlet says everything like he's in a
pub reciting the sports section, King Lear's just had his twenty-first
birthday and has a thing about being old and his daughters are his
sisters and they egg him on to think he really is old and he screwed his
own mother, and by the end no wonder one oft the critics said this was
the Shakespeare interpretation of all time and he looked forward to
Lord and Lady Macbeth as two queens, Hamlet as his own father's
ghost and A Midsummer Night's Dream as an ice drama.
MARVIN (weakly) As a matter of fact I did have something like that in mind---that
critic you just mentioned was bloody awful, drank himselfto
death---my idea was Lady Mac as a dike and Mac himself AC DC and
they hire somebody else to play Lady Mac and she takes the rap for the
murders because they both want the next king to be a woman.
A puzzled silence, shared by him.
LIZZY:
But don'ty you see, everybody's ignorant now? You can't stand
Shakespeare on his head if they know nothing about him on his feet! I
mean, people want to know what the words mean and they don't get it!
And all you do is try and shock! It's like the Royal Court fifty years ago,
all you needed to get an audience was put your hand in a pram and
bring it out with shit all over it---but the list ofoutrages has been
exhausted Marvin!
MARVIN (jumping up with a scream) NOT MARVIN! You will not call me Marvin! I
am Mr. James!
LIZZY:
Conversation doesn't move with you, does it? That's exactly what Nigel


says---'itj just goes put-put-putting on but the vehicle remains
stationary', that's s what he said.
MARVIN (very quietly) Then why are you in love with me?
LIZZY:
The walls could crack, trees could grow through the auditorium, rats
could overrun the dressing rooms and every other man and woman
could be dead but you'll still be up here recording yourself and looking
in that damned mirror and seeing your audience through it.
MARVIN:
But my acting, you must be in love with that too!
LIZZY:
You see? You can't be other than yourself.
MARVIN (abjectly submitting to his need for an immediate answer) You won't tell me if
you're in love a little bit with my acting??
LIZZY:
I think it's because you never change, never listen. (Gazing at him with
tenderness) If the earth shrivelled up you'd go on being yourself as a
little spot of grease.
MARVIN:
Tell me how I could be other than myself?
LIZZY:
All my life you've captivated me. In the end people don't care if
Shakespeare's been shot to hell, it's your movements and your voice that
count, you could be saying hickery dickery dock for an hour and forty
minutes, nobody would notice the difference.
MARVIN:
Do I look old, is that your complaint?
LIZZY (sighing) You even talk old, like it was 1900. (Looking round) Do you know
what Nigel calls this dressing room?
MARVIN:
Why don't you tell me?
LIZZY:
The Vic Upstairs. The successful stuff takes place at the Vic
downstairs while Marvin jerks himself off upstairs. Shall I tell you
something else? When I walked through the auditorium downstairs just
now I noticed that every seat was occupied. There's an audience
downstairs such as you wouldn't believe! Not an empty seat! And there
was a man on the stage talking to them, and behind him there was a big


screen.
MARVIN:
What about it? He's probably lecturing school kids on the Old Chap!
LIZZY:
They were all adults. And the screen?
MARVIN:
Well, obviously-we run films from time to time. I've made at least
three.
LIZZY:
One. And it got a week's showing as an art film, meaning none of the
Hollywood biggies would touch it. (A silence) Have I hurt you?
MARVIN (quietly) The question isn't that. (Almost to himself) It's how I'm going to hurt
you.
LIZZY (this passes her by) Ifyou just played straight---! Your walk and your voice and
your fascinating way ofl being absolutely nothing--that's what used to
draw the crowds! There's nothing inside you and you don'tneed there
to be, you can somehow play empty and get away with it! And since
you dress like Jack Buchanan you might as well hear what he said about
acting---he said an actor sends thought into the auditorium, the words
come second. And you can 't think mate.
He fixes his eyes on her for a long time, during
which she fidgets uncertainly, and then he rises
briskly.
MARVIN (cont.) Well, to work!
He goes to a drawer at his dressing table and
seizes a bunch of keys, then walks smartly to the
staircase door and locks it. There are three locks
and he does the job slowly and precisely.
MARVIN (cont., as he walks back to her, holding up the keys) For the insurance people,
you know. They insist on three locks. Now, Miss Turnout (sitting
close to her), I think we can agree on one thing---that I have to change.
Isn't that what you've been suggesting? A rebirth? And then we have
to remember that you too have a career. And that needs a brush up,
doesn't it?


LIZZY:
MARVIN (screaming with quite horrible force) IS THAT RIGHT?
She jumps and backs off.
MARVIN (cont., in a normal voice) It's why you came here isn't it? Let me tell you
something about actors--everything about them is autobiographical,
even their tears at somebody's grave are rehearsed! First of all are you
vulgar enough for the stage?
She is silent.
MARVIN (cont.) Do something vulgar.
She puts two fingers in her mouth
meaning to produce a deafening whistle.
MARVIN (cont., gripping her round the throat in horror) STOP, STOP! How is it you
know nothing about the theatre---eh (tightening his grip), eh, eh?
She manages to scream SO loud that he loosens
his grip at once and stands back, gaping.
MARVIN (cont.) What an extraordinary noise. (Affably) So where were you?
LIZZY:
I was saying---
MARVIN:
No for God's sake, I mean what drama school?
LIZZY:
Oh, RADA.
MARVIN:
I thought that was a RADA scream! I'll also say this. For somebody
married to Nigel Burbage you're remarkably intelligent. Not that
intelligence goes with acting awfully well.
LIZZY:
It certainly doesn't get in your way.
MARVIN:
And your repartee's good. Talent for improvisation-in the event of
Marvin James ghosting. You see, my dear, I'm going to call this
Operation Rebirth. No doubt you think you'll be leaving here for lunch.


Nothing oft the sort. You'll be lucky to be out of here in a week.
You're going to pay for that line about intelligence not getting in my
way, I'll have your guts on display for it.
LIZZY:
MARVIN:
Now don't start that television-response stuff, you'll be saying let me
out ofl here in a minute.
LIZZY (jumping up) Let me out of here I've got claustrophobia!
MARVIN (pushing her roughly back on the sofa) The idea isn' 't to keep you in, Miss
Turnoff--it's to keep others out! You see, my dear, I'm going to take
you hostage.
He returns to his dressing table and
resumes making up.
MARVIN (cont.) And you're going to be my Ophelia. Did you ever read Hamlet by the
way?
LIZZY:
Of course I did! I know Hamlet by heart! At least all the bits with
Ophelia in them!
MARVIN:
How very graçious of you! But (studying her) I must say it's a nice part
for you because you wave sex in everyone's face. Good. So you shall
play it for sex.
LIZZY:
I always do. Then up he rose, and donned his clothes,
He at once joins in, unable
to stop himself.
BOTH:
And dupped the chamber door!
Let in the maid, that out a maid---
Never departed more.
By Gos, and by Saint Charity,
Alack and fie for shame!
Young men will do'tif they come to't,
By cock they are to blame!


Quoth she 'Before you tumbled me,
You promised me to wed.
NARVIN (alone) So wouldI I'a' done, by yonder sun,
An thou hadst not come to my bed!'
LIZZY:
Exactly what I said, Ophelia the sex-pot!
MARVIN:
But there's something you overlook madam. That she was mad when
she said those words, and in any case she sang them. Hamlet had driven
her mad, you see, just I'm going to drive you mad! (Walking round and
thus displaying his stride, stopping for pauses in his narrative and
careful to face the auditorium) They denied Hamlet to me as a young
man. They then ridiculed the idea when, in my early forties, I was still
eligible for the part. They said I was too big in the middle area. Which
was true but it isn't now---these days I'm prime Lear material, thin in
the shank. You see, I shall give them a livelier Hamlet than they've ever
seen! They say a woman can't play Juliet until she's too old for it--
(swinging round to LIZZY) the same is true ofHamlet, Miss Turnout!
(Sitting at his make-up table and switching on the mirror lights) My
mother, I mean the woman playing Gertrude the queen, will probably be
half my age but she shall be seen as a crone next to my adolescence.
LIZZY:
But you admit I can play Ophelia.
MARVIN:
You don't witness me at this moment removing Mac and replacing him
with Hamlet? You don't hear me say Mac shamelessly, thus joining
you in the clever bad spell you put upon our production almost the
moment you walked in? You've given me courage my gir!! (Busy
with his face) And I can see you're a marvellous fuck. But why,you
will ask, make up as Hamlet two months before rehearsals can possibly
begin, and when the opening of The Scottish Play is billed for the
coming Thursday, namely tomorrow? Let me tell you! Because this is
DELIVERANCE! Talking time is over. The real screaming will now
begin, my dear. And you will provide it!
LIZZY:
Nigel says that actors never commit crimes, they're not interested in
anybody enough to murder them.
MARVIN:
The first part's right but not the second. They don't murder because
they murder a thousand times onstage and know what a bore it all is


compared with a nice cup oft tea or a bounce in bed. Don't worry, my
dear, it's all going to be acted.
LIZZY:
And the endless speeches. He mentioned those.
MARVIN:
This time he, Mr. Burbage, is going to listen to every word. (With
sudden earnestness) I hope he's still in love with you? A little bit?
His earnestness sweeps her out of her
scepticism.
LIZZY:
Oh yes! He knows I only run after men who can do without me, that's
why he divorced me, to show he can do without me, which he can't.
MARVIN:
So he will hear your screams with a measure of concern!
This time he speaks into a radio mike.
MARVIN (cont.) Nigel. I have your ex-wife here. Listen carefully.
MARVIN beckons LIZZY towards him.
She comes. He suddenly seizes her and,
jumping out of this seat, manages to grip
her SO that his arm is locked round her
neck from behind. He is still gripping the
radio mike.
MARVIN (cont.) Iintend either to strangle her or plunge a dagger in her neck. I
haven't decided which---take this as aj joke ify you like but I warn you
she may be found dead. IfI were you I'd remember your own words,
Marvin James is as mad as a hatter, you addressed it once to my mother,
who agreed.
He tightens the grip and she screams
frantically.
MARVIN (cont.) Did you recognise the voice? But we can do better than that!
He lays the mike on the dressing table
and releases her, leaving her staggering
about clutching her throat. He goes


briskly to the cupboard upstage and pulls
it open. She watches with horror as he
draws out a dagger.
LIZZY (grabbing the phone) Nigel, Nigel! He's mad! He's---!
MARVIN approaches her menacingly,
after a little chase. She tries to bite him
but he plunges the knife into her neck
and blood gushes forth. She screams
blue murder and her dress is covered in
no time.
MARVIN calmly takes the phone again,
wiping some blood from his hand and
throwing the dagger into the wastepaper
basket.
MARVIN (at the phone) All I did was draw a little blood, Nigel. I promise not to kill her
yet. Hadn't you better notify the police? This is serious, not a
rehearsal, Nigel. Not a play. But first let me get your ex-wife seated. I
need to kill her later, you see, which requires her to be alive now, SO I
missed the jugular, just.
He helps the sobbing, quivering LIZZY
to the settee.
MARVIN (cont., hissing at her) Stop blubbering, it was only superficial!
LIZZY (inspecting the blood and then tasting it) This is ketchup! You fucking---!
He signals her frantically to silence, then
returns to the phone.
MARVIN (at the phone again) As I said, I managed to avoid the jugular, this is where a
little knowledge of pathology counts, Nigel. Now these are my
demands. First the Final Dress and the previews will not take place.
You will inform not only the police but the media about this. You will
tell them that your ex-wife who left you for good not an hour ago is
being held hostage by an enraged Marvin James in his dressing room at
the Vic on the Strand, and for God's sake don't say New Vic as if we're


an imitation of the Old one, you were always such a bloody fool about
that kind of thing. By the way, any attempt to batter down Marvin
James's door will produce an entirely dead Lizzy Turndown in a split
second. How the hell did she get that name by the way? (Turning to
LIZZY) Didn't you tell me Stokes?
LIZZY (trying to speak as she wipes the ketchup off) !
MARVIN:
Understandably she's distraught, Nigel, you can perhaps hear the
gurgles, she must have lost a pint of blood at least. Amazing how
much we have of it, isn't it? And its brightness, due I believe to the
presence of oxyhemoglobins or did I get my lesson wrong? But to
return to business you will announce this morning a Hamlet production
with me in the title role, at this theatre, I mean at the Vic Downstairs as
I believe you call it.. What?... ..Oh for God's sake man youth depends
on the legs and mine are in mint condition.
He crashes the phone down. LIZZY has
in the meantime staggered to the
cupboard and is staring at its contents.
MARVIN (cont.) I must say that last scream was even better than the first.
LIZZY:
I wasn't acting that time.
MARVIN:
You never do otherwise than act, my dear, we are of the same breed.
(Taking her affectionately round the waist) I suppose you're
wondering what that little display of knives is about?
LIZZY:
Yes I am.
MARVIN:
It's my little museum. Several of the daggers date back to 1701.
(Pulling one out) Garrick! (Replacing it and pulling out two others)
These were used to murder Duncan in Henry Irving's Lyceum
production in 1888. (Replacing them) And then of course there are
the most up to date ones you can find on the market. I used a 1963
spring dagger on you which quite frankly I didn't expect to work. But,
as you see (indicating her blood) it was most efficient. Now why don't
you slip behind that screen and put on my dressing gown? (Drawing
her to the screen) You'll find a wash basin, hopefully it won't have
stained your lovely costume too much, put it in soak of course.


She follows his instructions
helplessly, disappearing behind
the screen. We hear running
water.
MARVIN (cont.) That is Clarissa's dress from May Buds isn't it?
LIZZY (off)
Yes.
MARVIN:
Il have eyes in my little arse don't I? Did you put it on to flatter me?
LIZZY (off)
I thought it might give you pleasure.
MARVIN:
Where did you find it?
LIZZY (off)
An opera house.
MARVIN:
Which one?
LIZZY (off)
That's my business. I know someone in Wardrobe there. They'd want
fifty pounds a day for it otherwise.
MARVIN:
You see how everything fits? (Sitting at his dressing table again and
gazing before him with pleasure) You arrive here in a costume from
one of my most successful shows! That's destiny working! To buy that
costume you'd have to pay thousands!
LIZZY (off)
Vivien Leigh used it for Antony and Cleopatra.
MARVIN (disregarding this, since it is about another actor, with a characteristic sideways
movement of the head) Do you know I exhausted three leading ladies
during the Broadway run of May Buds?
LIZZY (off)
Nigel told me they couldn't stand you always dropping your lines and
never being letter word perfect even by the end ofa run. He said you
had half your speeches pinned to the back ofthe furniture.
MARVIN:
They could have done the same, the silly cows! Acting isn't learning
lines!


LIZZY (off)
He said it was only the Americans kept you alive because of all their
stuff about the Brits and tradition and all that. He said you're an effigy
rather than an actor and that's why The Scottish Play tomorrow was
going to play to 15% capacity.
MARVIN (quietly) Fifty-five.
LIZZY (off)
Fifteen. That's another thing you do, wishful listening. He said
fifteen.
MARVIN (stunned almost to tears) I filled the Henry Miller theatre with Present
Laughter for over a year! I held court every afternoon at Sardi's! And
do you see these lights? (All but sobbing) What actor in the world has
his dressing room equipped with an elaborate light and sound system by
means of which he can simulate a performance in perfect privacy?
(Throwing himself on the console and, after plunging the stage into
darkness, introducing silver strobe effects). It cost thousands,
thousands!
LIZZY is suddenly there behind him,
naked under his silk dressing gown, her
feet bare, a jerky figure under the strobe
effect.
LIZZY (putting her hand on his shoulder) Marvin... (He becomes still) I didn't know
you could be hurt. He said you couldn't be hurt.
She lowers her head to his shoulders and
also seems to be crying.
LIZZY (cont.) Change the lights to something sweet darling!
MARVIN:
How about this? Golden autumnal!
The strobe effect is killed and a mellow
harvest light steals up.
LIZZY (suddenly looking into his utterly dry eyes) I thought you were crying!
MARVIN:
Oh I could neyer manage that. They used to squirt water in my eyes
from the wings. Ask any actor who's played with me---they always


used to ask why does old Marvin walk over to prompt side when about
to shed tears? None of them ever cottoned on!
LIZZY (walking away) Did you know how you got your nickname?
MARVIN:
LIZZY:
Hamlegs'.
MARVIN (with horror) Hamlegs!
LIZZY:
From the famous Marvin quote 'My legs are in mint condition'!
It is too much for him---with a roar he
jumps up and grabs her by the hair.
MARVIN:
You're a critic aren'tyou? A fucking reporter! Isuspected it in that
second scream-- (Shaking her) A damned feminist---a
radical--you're a friend of Vanessa Redgraves!
LIZZY (flinging him off with unexpected success SO that he reels away) No wonder
playwrights fly to the Bahamas when you announce an interest in one of
their scripts! Old Marvin', they say, old Marvin's a nostalgia record,
he's already in Madame Tussaud's! (Sticking her face in his) But
Hamlet's more than legs!
MARVIN:
Tell me this, you slobbering moist bitch, how is it Nigel keeps me in
this theatre, and my photos in the foyer, and my bust in the circle bar?
LIZZY:
Because he's in love with you! Because he's a pouf!
MARVIN:
The phone rings.
MARVIN (cont., picking the phone up with a furious gesture and bellowing into it)
What is it? (Turning to LIZZY and waving the phone at her) This
phone has saved your life! (At the mouthpiece again, very quiet and
urbane now) Oh really? (Again to LIZZY, with sarcastic charm) It's
your husband. (At the phone again) No, my dear, I repeat this isn't a
joke. I'm already ankle-deep in your ex-wife's blood and she happens


to be hanging on to life by the merest thread. Believe me, if you don't
get your over-used arse up here in ten minutes flat she will never
scream again! Secondly, I'm going to unplug this phone and you will
talk to me from now on, and so will the police, by means oft the
intercom system. You will not, repeat not, negotiate with me through
the door because, being an actor, I need my voice.
He puts the phone down, then detaches
LIZZY (creeping up to him venomously) You're a fucking intellectual without an
intellect, that's what you are! Look at the way you played that scene.
You might have been a radio announcer. You just stalk and talk!
(Putting her face close to his again and shouting as ifhe were deaf)
You remember what Hamlet said? Suit the action'---action, action,
Marvin!--'suit the action to the fucking word, the fucking word to the
action'! All you do is moon around trying to mask everybody else. No
wonder the Scottish Play receipts are five percent of capacity!
MARVIN (hopelessly) You said fifteen!
LIZZY:
Five! You don't think Nigel would dare tell you that do you? He
wants your arse! (As MARVIN lunges at her and she pushes him
back) Let's go through that scene you always turn into a Purcell Room
recital.
He allows himself to be led to centre
stage.
LIZZY (cont.) Take it from I did love thee once.
MARVIN:
What?
LIZZY:
What, what, get off the pot! Say the line for God's sake!
The moment she says this MARVIN is in
automatic performance mode.
MARVIN:
I did love thee once.


LIZZY:
Indeed my lord you made me believe SO.
MARVIN:
You should not have believed me. For virtue cannot SO inoculate our
old stock but we shall relish ofit. I loved you not.
LIZZY:
OK now get hold of me---like this (grabbing his hand and putting it
over her mouth, then drawing his head close to her ear).
MARVIN (hissing in her ear, not without personal malice) Get thee to a nunnery.
LIZZY:
Good, now turn it round and smile.
He leers at her.
LIZZY (cont.) Smile!
MARVIN:
That's a Marvin James smile dammit!
She takes his hand and puts it down the
slit in her dressing gown, obliging him to
fondle her breasts.
MARVIN:
Why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?
LIZZY:
Not why wouldst thou! It's why comma wouldst thou be a breeder of
sinners!
MARVIN:
That's interpretation! And the wrong one!
LIZZY:
Oh shut up and drag me to the floor!
Finally she pulls him down. Then she
draws his hand up her leg, under the
gown.
We hear police sirens in the distance.
LIZZY (cont.) Next line please!
MARVIN (considerably distracted by the sirens) I am myself indifferent honest but yet I
could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother--


A hubbub on the staircase.
MARVIN (cont.) It were better my mother had not---
A stern male voice comes over the
intercom.
Hostage Negotiator (VO) As you've probably gathered Mr.James the police are here in
considerable force. The Home Office has been informed and I'm your
Hostage Negotiator.
Shocked out of their wits, MARVIN and
LIZZY sit up and stare at each other.
H.N. (cont., VO) Mr. James I want you to spare Miss Turndale any more distress or
injuries. Mr. James, you will at once go to the door leading to the
staircase and open it.
She gestures to him frantically to obey
and he runs to his table, grabs the keys
and with marvellous speed has reached
the door and starts to fiddle with the
locks, hands shaking, until he can push
the door-leaves wide open.
H.N. (cont., VO) Thank you Mr.James, SO far SO good. We are now sending up an officer
who happens to be a crack shot. He is armed with a sub-machine gun
Mr. James. Within seconds from now you will be covered. He wishes to
have a look at you, particularly Miss Turndale, to see if she's been
seriously injured. He won'tl hesitate to shoot you ify you even move a
whisker against the doctor Mr. James, he'll lay you flat and you'll never
rise again.
We hear heavy running steps on the
staircase and the tip of a machine gun
appears in the hands of a half-crouching
POLICE OFFICER with an intercom
mike close to his lips. He only advances
as far as the threshold, his gun at the
ready.


POLICE OFFICER: Just puts your hands up! Quick, both of you! Stay on the
floor! Now move away from each other---(as they do so).
That's enough! (Lowering his gun somewhat) Right, Miss Turndale,
just try to get up ifyou can. Ifyou can't, shake your head (she
shakes her head slowly, with enormous grimaces). Now I'm going to
step back to make way for the doctor (quickly drawing back to the
staircase area and disappearing, though we still see his gun targeting
MARVIN), as you see I've still got my sights on you Mr. James and I'll
be covering the doctor with this gun, so I don't want any funny
business, got it? Just do what the doctor says, both ofyou! (Calling
down the staircase) Can the doctor come up please?. ..Oh, there you
are! All right, doctor? You get some peculiar call-outs sometimes, eh?
But none to beat this one! There you go! Mind your step...Just a quick
check-up if you please, doctor, especially the lad. I'll be keeping you
well-covered, don' 't worry about that. All right doctor you can go right
THE DOCTOR appears with the telltale
stethoscope round his neck and a black
medical bag. He goes over to them
without a word and puts the bag down,
clearly none too happy with this
assignment. He examines LIZZY first.
DOCTOR:
Tongue!
She puts her tongue out and he shines a
small medical torch onto it, then he
examines her head with it but she starts
back with pain.
DOCTOR:
Pain in the head?
She nods vehemently as MARVIN stares
at her with terrified disbelief. THE
DOCTOR now examines her chest, back
and front, with his stethoscope.
DOCTOR (cont.) Put your arms out sideways (she does SO but with painful effort) Now
raise your leg, one at a time---no, bend it (She makes an agonising Ay-


yoo scream). Right miss, I've been instructed to tell you that you can
leave this building under escort. So if you will please get your clothes
LIZZY:
I'm not going to leave this room!
DOCTOR:
And why is that Miss?
LIZZY:
Because he's holding me in here---!
MARVIN gapes at her with renewed
disbelief.
LIZZY (cont.) With his terrifying will! He's a demon--he's got inside me
(clapping her hands on her belly) and I can't get free, what's more I
refuse to be free! I'm in his clutches and that's where I want to stay, SO
help me God!
THE DOCTOR looks round
helplessly at the hidden
marksman. He apparently gets
the answer to leave the matter
there.
THE DOCTOR: All right Miss, you've made your choice. Stay where you are.
He gathers up his black bag and
makes for the exit at a spanking
pace.
Well, Miss Turndale, you've made your rather strange decision and all I
can say is please, both ofyou, return as best you can to some sort of
domestic peace. You must both be quite hungry. By the way, you must
on no account meddle with the door to the staircase, night or door. It
must remain open exactly as it is now.
He cuts out.
MARVIN staggers to the sofa and
throws himself down.


BURBAGE (bursting in frantically, VO) Lizzy this is Nigel! Are you OK? Talk to me
Lizzy!
Suddenly LIZZY screams in the
most bloodcurdling fashion.
MARVIN (hissing at her) What the fuck are you doing?
LIZZY (hissing back) Tell him you mean business, go on!
As he fails to act she screams
again.
BURBAGE (VO) Oh Marvin, Marvin don't hurt her Marvin! Let her alone for my sake
Marvin! I shan'ttell the police about that scream ifyou let her go!
MARVIN:
She keeps on doing it for God's sake, I can't stop her!
We hear police sirens in the
distance.
MARVIN (cont.) Shit, more police!
LIZZY (vehemently) And the more the better!
MARVIN (gasping) Better!
LIZZY:
I'm a household name at last! That's all I want---a fame like yours! And
I'm there!
MARVIN (quietly) At the cost of life imprisonment. Mine at least.
With a sudden determined athletic
dash she retrieves the mike and
shouts into it.
LIZZY:
Oh Nigel, he's got guns as well! He's got two 45-calibre rifles, a .357
Magnum pistol, a sawn-off shotgun, a 9mm Walther pistol, an AR-7
survival rifle, about three .22 calibre pistols, a .30.06 with telescopic
sights!


BURBAGE (VO) Marvin, Marvin, don't do anything unwise, we'll have the Hamlet
production---!
She gives MARVIN an intimate
you-see? expression.
BURBAGE (cont., VO) This is Burbage again, Marvin, we'll strike The Scottish set
now, there'll be no Final Dress tonight! (Yelling frantically) Marvin,
Marvin, are you there Marvin?
MARVIN (to LIZZY, pulling the mike away from her, then hissing) What are you talking
about, guns'?
LIZZY:
That was a Bonny and Clyde hash-up I did in rep.
MARVIN (raising the mike to his lips) I'm going to tell them the truth!
LIZZY:
It'll be the first time in your life you ever did that! Don'tyou see?
You've got what you want too! The Hamlet production! And with me
as your Ophelia.
The HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR
breaks in.
H.N. (VO, his voice low with weariness) And now an arms cache-(mumbling to
BURBAGE at his side) is that right Mr. Burbage? (We hear Burbage
say yes) Mr. Marvin, we must talk this over very calmly. You are
sealing your fate in the most terrible way!
MARVIN (quivering) I'm not doing anything oft the kind! She made that arms cache up!
Guns terrify me! Even stage ones!
LIZZY (shouting) He has more demands, get him to tell you what they are!
Yet more demands Mr. Marvin?
LIZZY (hissing) Tell him you want me as your Ophelia!
MARVIN (an automaton now) I want Miss Turnpike as my Ophelia.
H.N. (VO, also in automaton mode) Very well, Mr. Marvin, your Ophelia she shall be.


MARVIN (suddenly screaming) I've been trying to get rid of this woman ever since she
set foot in this place, she' 's the one calling the shots, not me!
Indeed! Since you have an arms cache at your disposal I don' 't wonder
you talk about shots!
MARVIN (hissing to her) This'll ruin us both!
LIZZY (hissing back) Only you! I'm the hostage, remember?
Very well, Mr James, Mr Burbage is at my side and we understand your
wish to (mumbling to BURBAGE) you wish to cancel the Mac--
(interrupted) ah, the Scottish play---you want the public refunded for
the bookings on that show and a Hamlet production to be scheduled and
announced, and the booking to start as soon as possible, with Miss
Lizzy Turnpike as Ophelia. (Another whispered exchange with
BURBAGE) I'm SO sorry, I believe the name is Turndale, my apologies
Miss Turndale.
LIZZY (to herself) I should bloody-well think sO.
Please return to your domestic life while I await the Home Office
decision.
LIZZY (hissing at MARVIN) Now wipe old Mac offyour face and put Hamlet on! Lift
your chin up for starters! (Into the mike) He says you must alert the
principal radio and television stations and press agencies at once. He
says a news broadcast must go out at once!
Ifit's publicity you need Mr. James you can trust the media to provide
more than is healthy for you, they are already talking and writing about
nothing else! Every headline is Marvin James and Lizzy Turnpike!
He cuts out. A silence for mutual
thought.
MARVIN (with sudden wonder, despite himself) We're in the news!
LIZZY:
You see?


MARVIN:
We could put on any show we liked!
LIZZY:
And we will!
MARVIN:
In prison?
LIZZY:
You think I'm going to allow that do you? I'll tell them it was all a
hoax, and we'll get a fine or suspended sentence or community service!
I shall tell them my screams were fake.
MARVIN (sneering) The best screams in the profession'!
LIZZY:
They are! They chill to the bone! Do you think Nigel Burbage
believed you when you were said you were taking me hostage? Of
course he didn't! He hasn't believed a word ofyours in twenty years! It
was my screams that saved the day!
THE HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR
breaks in again.
Just to elaborate on your request for publicity Mr James there have
already been a number of special news broadcasts. Two television
crews are setting up outside this theatre and will give hourly coverage
of what has become known as the Vic siege. We're told CNN are
running a special story with clips from your Coward season on
Broadway. Mr Burbage tells me that he has announced your new
Hamlet but SO far the media hasn't taken this up. He's confident
however that all this publicity will ensure early booking, the courts
permitting of course. Thus all you asked for and more has been
conceded--
LIZZY (grabbing the mike) He says he doesn't believe you're real police!
Thank you for clearing that up Miss Turnpike. Mr. James, if you don't
believe we're real just take a peep out ofyour window and you'll see at
least a dozen there, fully armed. Will you do that? Please do that Mr.
James.
Together MARVIN and LIZZY
race to the rooftop window
upstage and stare below. Having


confirmed the presence of the
police they stare at each other
with chastened astonishment and
in this mood steal slowly back to
the downstage area aghast as
H.N.'s voice comes over again.
Have you taken a look Mr Marvin?
MARVIN (taking the mike) Yes I have!
Are you satisfied that the metropolitan police force is here in some
strength?
MARVIN:
Yes I am.
Thank you Mr James.
He cuts out.
MARVIN:
Oh my god!
LIZZY:
That's another of your nicknames.
MARVIN:
What is?
LIZZY:
Oh my god. They say Oh My God's threatening to do a one-man show
called 'On the Boards'.
MARVIN:
On the b---! I discussed it once dammit, in New York, with Paul
Merrick---no one else!
LIZZY:
There isn't much I don't know about you--another one ofyour
nicknames is dammit' . You're going to end on the rocks and not on the
boards unless you listen to me.
MARVIN:
Oh my god!
LIZZY:
All these years, I'm nineteen now (he registers mouthing disbelief),
you've figured in my masturbations! I think I saw every London
production you were in, and several of the Brighton flops. (As he is


about to protest) Ihad to go secretly because mummy would have
been furious had she known.
MARVIN (sneering) And her mother came too'!
LIZZY:
Sol I want my name next to yours on the boards, and I mean above the
play-title. Iwas born for Ophelia!
MARVIN (his mettle up) Ophelia my arse! You can get any actor in the world to put
his hand up your skirt without picking on me! Ophelia isn't a hot-pants
any more than Hamlet is just a pair of legs! (Striding about
dramatically while she watches him first with curiosity, then with awe)
Why for God's sake was I given SO much charisma? Why the magnetic
personality, the eyes that turn heads with a glance, the smile that while
it hasn't exactly launched a thousand ships has flooded a thousand hulls
with moist thoughts! I never had a leading lady who didn't fall in love
with me! I never knew in all my life a single girl who didn't buckle at
the knees on touching my hand! (Closing in on her) My mother told
me all about your damnéd breed! Yes I too had a mother! And a finer
actress never crossed the boards! She warned me early what seething
cauldrons of manipulation you pussy-people are, using our natural
terror of the mother to install a new reign for yourselves! Why else do
you think Hamlet told her 'Ifthou wilt marry, marry a fool, for wise
men know well enough what monsters you make ofthem'? I pleaded
with mama, for God's sake inhibit my charisma I said, the girls are
going to give me trouble, they'll hang round the stage doors, solicit my
agents, sleep with my managers to get me for life! Why insist mama
that my eyes should be hypnotic, my lips beyond reproach, my walk, my
stance, my gaze, even my way ofthinking and choice of words sO far
beyond ordinary capacities that into whatever drawing room I set foot
they turn towards me as one creature and ask each other with
importuning nudges 'Who is that?".
A dead silence after a speech that
seems to stun even him.
LIZZY:
You see, you really can act when you want to.
MARVIN:
LIZZY:
In mean, when that play was running you gobbled all the words like they


were little balls of arse paper. I saw it as a girl of thirteen. Of course I
realise you were supposed to be a ham actor in it but even ham actors
have natural feelings sometimes. (Gazing at him with some
puzzlement) Even when you were throttling me a little while back it
felt like a stage throttle. And when you were playing with my tits it
felt like I was reading a book about it. So the first didn't scare me and
the second didn't turn me on.
MARVIN:
Would you have wished me to use a real knife? Or make love to you
hardly knowing your name?
LIZZY:
But it isn't only Ophelia I'm after, it's a production of Hamlet on my
terms, got it? No more talking heads. No more striding round the
stage in that fucking drag I know you're going to bring out, swishing
your dress in all our noses and letting the audience see the good side of
your face and never the bad, which is the most ofit.
MARVIN (drunk with insults now) You're trying to get into my pants, that's S all you want
but don't be sO sure you'll like it once you get there---a lot of ladies have
had their little fannies burned, they remained in agony for the rest of
their lives, hoping for a repeat and never getting it! Two suicides,
untold nervous breakdowns, the close of at least five promising stage
careers! Why deliberately invite a situation in which you retire to a
low-rent suburb for the next sixty years with photos and memories to
live on? Oh I admit you're quite intelligent! You can talk like a
character out of George Bernard Shaw but, Miss Turnoff, this won't end
in an upper class drawing room in a gale of laughter but the Tower of
London for me and Wormwood Scrubs for you! Because you're
colluding in the kidnap, I'm going to tell them that right now--
LIZZY (managing to retain the mike by hitting him in the balls with it) And I'm going to
marry you!
MARVIN (writhing from the blow) Marry me? Nobody's ever succeeded in doing
that!
LIZZY:
Why else do you think we were flung together? Don'tyou see what a
wonderful story we're cooking up between us? World famous actor
marries his own hostage! Tries to cut her throat but suddenly sees her
as his leading lady and they play together for the rest of their lives like
Lunt and Fontann! (Approaching him as he draws away) Darling, I


saw the potential the moment that phoney dagger touched my neck---I
thought this is all too ham, no one's going to believe him---I'm going to
have to scream, it'll bring half of Scotland Yard round! You needed a
woman to push you into a knighthood, Marvin!
MARVIN:
I'd rather die than be a duke in your fucking arms!
LIZZY:
Oh nonsense, you go green with envy every time a fag gets hit on the
shoulder with the royal sword! (Imitating his highly individual
pronunciation of English) 'Why no heteros? What's unknightable
about a normal sexual impulse?'
They sit in frightened silence.
LIZZY (hushed with terror) Is it true what you said to the hostage negotiator just now that
you fully accepted that---
MARVIN (with an equal hush) Come on 2 come on!
LIZZY:
That you fully understood what it means to have this place surrounded
by policemen?
MARVIN:
Of course it's true.
Another long pause for fear.
LIZZY:
It's no good is it?
MARVIN:
What's no good?
LIZZY:
Being actors. And theatres. What's the good ifit kills you!
MARVIN:
Prison sentence not hanging.
LIZZY:
But it was no use being in theatre was it? It's no use this place being a
theatre! Theatre didn't get us anywhere!
MARVIN:
No, it didn't.
LIZZY (her face puckering) So it's no use, theatre.


MARVIN:
She cries silently to herself.
MARVIN (cont.) We're in life now.
She nods through her tears.
MARVIN (cont.) You see, they don't care about theatre and we did and it ended our lives
but that's what theatre is you see, it's courage.
LIZZY:
I don't have any now.
MARVIN:
But when you're waiting to go on, you're waiting for your cue and you
think to yourselfI can't make it, I can't get my legs to walk out there
and then bang on cue you walk out and you're yourself any more,
you're planting yourself in the audience, you're just working and the
audience thinks that you're playing and you're not, you're giving them
the illusion that you're real, it's difficult to explain ifyou see what I
mean which you don't because you've never got beyond provincial rep.
You ghost and you corpse, you're no better at playing comedy with a
deadly straight face than flying in the moon.
LIZZY:
No I'm not.
MARVIN:
It's courage that makes you see that. You're getting the courage of
theatre and that's what's going to take you downstairs with handcuffs
round your wrists and a copper at your back, you won't care, you'll be
saying to yourselfl'm theatre, I'm strong and ifthis is where theatre
leads, I go happily there.
A strange distant rush of applause
(as it from below?) comes over.
MARVIN (cont.,) Wasn't that applause?
LIZZY:
Our ears are playing us tricks.
MARVIN:
Yes. Theatre again. For God's sake why can't we be ordinary? Shall we
try to be people? For the last moments? Real people, with real courage.


A silence.
MARVIN (cont.,) You see, we don't know how. We can't even make love. Theatre took
us there.
LIZZY (with a touch of spirit) The love wasn't theatre!
MARVIN:
More than you think.
LIZZY:
So why don't we feel it now?
H.N. (VO, in some panic) This your Hostage Negotiator! I'm afraid there are fuse
problems in the house! There may be a blackout and our
communications may be severed! Meanwhile keep calm! Oh damn!
BLACKOUT.


TWO
The scene opens on the same
BLACKOUT. We gradually
discern dim street lights at the
upstage window. Nothing stirs.
There is the sound of slow, weary
footsteps on the staircase. We
perceive a moving light. This is
from a hand-held torch of
considerable power and it is in the
hands of a stout POLICE
WOMAN. She has a radio mike
attached to her head, its
mouthpiece a few centimetres
from her mouth.
It is solely through the agency of
her lamp that we see that
MARVIN and LIZZY are asleep
on the settee. LIZZY is more or
less on top ofhim and he is still in
his dressing gown.
Her panties are on the floor with
her shoes, and leisurely
examination of them by the lamp
reveals them to us.
POLICEWOMAN: This is Ada speaking. .Ada... ..Is this on film---only they've got to
have it first thing in the morning, right?... What's that? keep my voice
down? You don't think I could wake these two buggers do you? not
after what they've been up to, mate! I was on duty outside, sO
I know! You never saw anythink like it! I was embarrassed, I thought I
could certainly use my husband tonight, I haven't seen him for twenty
years! In fact I nearly walked off duty. I didn't know where to put
my face! (Opening the theatrical knives cupboard) As to the arms
cache, there's only where he keeps his knives, these are the ones he
tried to kill her with, talk about bonkers eh? (Wandering upstage and
disappearing from view) I'm in the kitchen area now, she's got a dress


hanging up over the bath, it's wet, also somebody here don'tl know
how to pull the chain, it's her by the look ofit, there's toilet paper
galore down there, well that's a woman if you ask me, a man just flicks
it doesn'the?
She sets the WC going.
POLICEWOMAN (cont.,) What tickles me is when you see 'em on the stage it brings
you out in goose pimples, doesn't it, they can do what they like with
you, make you laugh and cry all in the same breath! It must take some
doing you know, stands to reason doesn'tit? Anyway, I've finished up
here. (Strolling to the staircase area) Just let me get down the stairs,
mate, then you switch the lights back on. That'll stir'em up a bit! Ifyou
ask me (her light is disappearing) they've been pulling the wool over
everybody's eyes, including Scotland Yard's!
Her heavy steps on the stairs, and
her hand-held light, have gone.
The scene for a time remains
blacked out, then the lights come
up full and blinding.
Blinking awake LIZZY and
MARVIN are surprised to find
themselves where they are, and
with whom, and at what degree of
proximity.
They slump helplessly back into
sleep.
Mr James. Miss Turndale.
They fail to wake.
H.N. (VO, cont.) Are you there Mr James?
MARVIN stirs.
MARVIN (mumbling) What happened for christsake?


LIZZY (her eyes still closed) I'm probably pregnant. That's what happened.
MARVIN:
I'm asking him not you.
Mr James, Miss Turnout, the light cables have just been repaired.
Could you report back that your lighting system works? Are you
hearing me?
MARVIN fumbles for the mike
under LIZZY.
LIZZY (eyes still closed) God, not again! Do you want my blood as well?
MARVIN:
I'm looking for the fucking mike!
He finds it. LIZZY sighs with
pleasure, still mostly asleep.
MARVIN (cont., into the mike) Yes we've got lights.
A simple fuse, Mr.James. Due to all the excitement no doubt. The
police are still rather worried about your arms cache. They didn't want
to burst in and kill you both as a safety measure.
MARVIN:
This idiot Turnstile made all that up! Her screams were fake too! (As
LIZZY struggles to get hold of the mike, landing them both on the floor
amid bedclothes)!
Then you're unarmed sir?
MARVIN (clinging to the mike) Well of course I'm unarmed! The only gun I ever used
was a stage gun and that scared my balls off.
It was only yesterday Miss Turnpike told us you had an arms cache
sophisticated enough to make the police green with envy.
MARVIN:
She knows no more about guns than I do---that was a quote from a play
she was in about Bonny and Clyde.
Are you saying then that the idea of taking her hostage never came into


your head?
MARVIN:
Oh in a dramatic sort of way it did but not seriously.
Then may I ask, putting aside our doubts about your truthfulness, what
was Miss Turnpike's motive in all this?
MARVIN (they are fighting for the mike now) Publicity for God's sake! The fact is she
wants to play Ophelia to my Hamlet. If you ask me she couldn't play
Hamlet's skull!
She lands him a blow in the balls
which forbids further speech on
his side but he clings to the mike
with a determination she would
at any other time have admired.
And what about her screams?
MARVIN (his voice stretched with pain) They were faked!
They were very convincing to us, not to say the police.
MARVIN:
That's because they're RADA screams---the best in the profession!
But what was her motive in screaming?
MARVIN:
Publicity! What else?
Publicity for what?
MARVIN (dodging a blow from her) Herself! She wants to be a household name without
having worked for it!
Very well. Now if Miss Turndale can corroborate what you've just told
us, which means her telling us right now that she hasn't been injured or
molested, which we know she has, I think we might be able to expunge
a few ofthe charges against you but no means all, seeing how many
policeman have been called off their usual duties.
MARVIN (hissing from under the table at LIZZY) Why the hell don't you speak?


LIZZY (hissing back) I've got nothing to say!
We hear nothing from Miss Turndale. So I'm afraid all we can do is to
offer a solemn prayer---a prayer that God intercedes to bring about as
clement a sentence on you as possible. (Whispering a prayer) May
God's s mercy intercede to bring mercy into the hearts of the High Court
judges.
LIZZY (hissing) Say Amen!
MARVIN:
Balls!
The intercom cuts off. He crawls
out from under the table.
MARVIN (cont.) Trust a rep actress to get me in the courts. We'll be here for months and
months---it takes the Home Office two years to file a receipt for fifteen
quid that should have gone to the War Office anyway. (Going close to
her) If we walk out of this alive, Miss Turnoff, I shall file charges
against you.
LIZZY (with a smile) But I have your baby inside. I mean you not only fucked me, you
fucked me as if you'd never had a woman. I know young men who
would have been hospitalised after less than what you did. It was like
one of those plays which, instead of ending, develop ever more facets
of plot, making one yearn for the refreshments bar while still rivetted to
one's seat.
MARVIN:
That's out of a show. I don't remember which.
LIZZY:
You weren'tin it, I was. At least I think so, my mind's wandering this
morning.
MARVIN:
It didn't wander all through the night.
LIZZY:
Oh, I get hot at the sound of a zip. Where the hell's the loo?
MARVIN:
You are in a state. Straight on and turn left.
He paces up and down as we hear


the lid of the loo being slammed
down, followed by the sound of
her peeing.
MARVIN (cont., as she returns) Ialways find that women can be divided into two
categories, those who leave the door of the john open and the lavatory
un-flushed, and those well-bred enough both to close the door and pull
the chain. I've just realised, by the way, who you remind me of
LIZZY:
Who except your mother?
MARVIN:
My mother. She used to leave the john door open. And she never
washed her hands afterwards.
LIZZY:
Soap's bad for the skin.
MARVIN:
That's what she always says. And she talks to her lovers like you talk to
me. To soften them up in case they ever play opposite her. She played
opposite some of the greatest men---
LIZZY:
And screwed them all, I know! 'Dame Helen James plays offstage
games'. 'Down comes the curtain, up goes her skirt, One thing's
certain, he'll get his little squirt.'
MARVIN:
You perfectly horrible creature!
LIZZY:
'First the play, then the lay, Helen James will have her way.' Helen's
on the hunt, with her outsize---
MARVIN (clutching her throat) This is my mother!
LIZZY:
'She plays little tricks with gentlemen's---"
H.N. breaks in over the
intercom.
Are you there Mr James? I've been in conversation with both the
Home Office and the police and I'm relieved to say we've won an hour's
reprieve. During that time none of us will move from our present
quarters. The police have meanwhile withdrawn from the immediate
vicinity of the theatre to a mobile canteen. Do you have provisions Mr


James?
MARVIN looks round for the
mike and LIZZY is already
holding it out for him.
MARVIN (into the mike) A few tins ofl baked beans, a ham, some cheese biscuits, milk
and coffee and tea and there's some booze, also caviar.
Well supplied ifl may say SO Mr James!
H.N. cuts out.
MARVIN:
Listen to me. Here's what I propose. Ifwe leave here safe and sound
I shall give you an income for life and provide for the kid, supposing
you're pregnant, which since you say you are you almost certainly
aren't. But there's to be nothing more intimate than that between us, do
you hear?
LIZZY:
Not even your weekly visit to see the child?
MARVIN:
No phone-calls saying the money hasn't arrived this month and the little
chap has been having a bad time with his teeth---
LIZZY (tenderly) It's going to be a boy?
MARVIN:
It usually is where the woman's an OX and the man sensitive, it's a
genetic reaction. Anyway I don't intend to allow the greatest
dependency syndrome ever devised by female oxen to develop.
LIZZY:
You love me don't you?
MARVIN:
That's precisely why I'm getting all this straight now, to prepare you for
the letdown. (Sitting on the sofa) The very fact that I make love to you
three times in a row at my age is my cue to pull out much more quickly
than even I would normally do. You see, Miss Turnout, I was my
mother's domestic slave and you've got mother written all over your
empty face. From the age often I served her breakfast in bed.
(Stopping suddenly, and staring before him) Do you know, Lizzy---?
LIZZY (rapture) You called me Lizzy! (Running to him) What's wrong Marvin?


He clasps her to him and
stares before him.
MARVIN:
We're finished! They'll arrest us! A trial!
LIZZY (about to cry) I know!
MARVIN:
And we did it ourselves!
They sit clasping each other,
cheek to cheek in their terror. For
the first time they cease to be
actors.
LIZZY:
What are they going to do with us?
MARVIN (with unusual coolness) Put us in prison. We went too far.
She nods vehemently.
MARVIN (cont.) All right then, let 'em do just that! We'll go out performing! (Still
shaking) Ours is a proud profession! Proud and brave! They can arrest
us while we're playing! With handcuffs on our wrists we'll go on
playing! Yes! (Standing up slowly, as ifbusy with his memory) You
remember what your brother told you about me?
LIZZY:
I don't have a brother.
MARVIN:
His name's Laertes!
LIZZY (still shivering with fear) Ah! Yes!
MARVIN:
He'sjust off to France and he warns you against Hamlet, he says keep
away from him because he's not an ordinary man, he's the future king!
(Acting) 'Hold it a fashion and a boy in blood:
A violet in the youth of primy nature,
Forward, not permanent; sweet, not lasting.
LIZZY (acting too, with genuine shivering sorrow) No more but so?


MARVIN:
Perhaps he loves you now;
And now no soil nor cautel doth besmirch
The virtue ofhis will; but you must fear,
His greatness weigh' 'd, his will is not his own,
For he himself is subject to his birth.
He may not, as unvalu'd persons do,
Carve for himself, for on his choice depends
The safety and the health of the whole state.
LIZZY (almost in tears) I shall obey my lord!
MARVIN:
Now the scene where you give Hamlet back his letters.
LIZZY:
But why does he treat her SO badly Marvin? He always seems to be
pushing her away!
MARVIN:
It's because he knows the government's rotten, the king's rotten, the
queen my mother' s rotten, the state is doomed, and he's warning you
offit, he's telling you to flee---because he loves you, he mourns inside
himself that you can never be his queen! But you can't understand this,
which is why you're handing him his love letters!
LIZZY (taking up a script from the table and holding it out to him)
My lord I have remembrances ofyours
That I have longéd long to redeliver.
I pray you now receive them.
MARVIN (turning away) No, no, I never gave you aught.
LIZZY (breaking down) Oh Marvin don't look at me like that---
MARVIN:
Play, play!
LIZZY:
My honoured lord, you know right well you did,
And with them words of so sweet breath composed
As made the things more rich. Their perfume lost,
Take these again; for to the noble mind
Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.
There, my lord.


MARVIN (without taking the letters) Ha, ha? Are you honest?
LIZZY (bowing) My lord.
MARVIN:
Are you fair?
LIZZY:
What means your lordship?
MARVIN:
That ifyou be honest and fair, your honesty should admit no discourse
to your beauty.
LIZZY:
Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than with honesty?
MARVIN (gazing at her with love) Ay, truly, for the power of beauty---!
They are suddenly interrupted by
This is your Hostage Negotiator. I'm going to take a great personal risk!
I'm coming upstairs to see you!
He cuts off.
LIZZY:
Coming up here?
They wait, gaping at the staircase
area. We hear heavy footsteps,
running.
TOM CROWELL appears.
CROWELL (marvelling at them) You've done it! You've done it! It's what we've all
been waiting for! That scene you've just played---I'm Tom Crowell by
the way, Crowell!
They gape.
CROWELL (cont.) You've come back to the living stage, Marvin! All this has been
terrible for you both, you must have suffered desperately but I've
struggled too! Up and down those bloody stairs being two police
officers, one a man and one a woman, also a crack shot with a sub-


machine gun, also a doctor, and don't forget I had all those bloody
Hostage Negotiator speeches to do, in a way they were the worst
ofthe lot, all that bloody improvising, my biggest fear was getting
hoarse, then the game would have been up, but you see it was all being
watched by my clients downstairs, that was very encouraging for me, in
fact those people held me together with their laughs. You see, Nigel
Burbage and I decided we had to do something drastic and then again I
wanted to see if my take-offs were any good, I mean they're secretly the
pride of my life. Don'tyou see, we had to get you closeted together
like a couple of pigeons! And we decided on a course of deception SO
complete as to be positively cruel! And now you've done it, both of
you! You don't even need a script, we've got it all on screen
downstairs! I can play it over to you again, everything you two people
did and thought for a whole week! It took some doing and now I'm a
rag!
He staggers to seat himself while
the other two gape harder and
harder.
MARVIN:
It was all---?
CROWELL:
A hoax, yes, but for me it was a hard gruelling uphill climb, especially
as I had to imitate Nigel Burbage as well!
MARVIN:
No threat of--imprisonment, any imprisonment, even two weeks?
CROWELL:
Nothing, nothing!
MARVIN:
All made up?
CROWELL:
For your good, Marvin! To get you performing again!
MARVIN:
It was---all, all---untrue?
CROWELL:
All!
LIZZY(studying him intently) You're Nigel's counsellor, aren'tyou---the shrink?
CROWELL:
Not shrink. Transactional analyst. I also do neuro-linguistic
programming.


MARVIN (with utmost poise) Most intriguing. So there was never a question of life
sentences hovering over us?
CROWELL:
Never.
MARVIN:
Your name is close to 'cruel', 2 Mr. Crow-well!
COWELL:
I've already confessed to the cruelty but Nigel and I thought it was the
only thing that could work. We puzzled for weeks about how to get
you in front of a live audience again, instead of living in a wanker's
palace staring at yourselfin a mirror! As you now know, our plot was
intricate but also thorough, worked out to the last detail. When your
good Ophelia here told Nigel she was in love with you and begged him
to let her come upstairs as your coffee girl he jumped at it! He said II
can feel they're a couple, it's only a hunch but it's worth trying, what
do you say? He asked me. And I said yes.
MARVIN:
A neat if cold experiment.
LIZZY (turning on him) This is a wanker's palace! At least it was!
MARVIN (jumping up) And now it isn't! You're perfectly right! Do you like champagne
Mr Crow-bar?
CROWELL:
Ifyou mean me, yes I would---nothing better! In fact we can drink
to your future success!
MARVIN goes to the upstage
area.
LIZZY (shouting at MARVIN) Why the hell do you have to play about with people's
names all the time?
CROWELL:
Don't be angry with him, Miss Turn--Turn---?
LIZZY:
For the last week I've been Turndown, Turnout, Turnoff and
Turnpike---Turnpike was your favourite.
CROWELL (heated) But as your Hostage Negotiator I had to accept his variations, didn't
I? I mean officially I knew nothing about you!


LIZZY (quietly) Oh do shut up.
CROWELL:
Now that's one thing I can' 't oblige you with! It's time I talked straight
and the first thing I'm going to say is that my workshop downstairs has
been providing all the money for this theatre and SO it has for at least
the last two years.
The pop of a champagne cork
flying comes from the upstage
area.
CROWELL (cont.) Of course you both played your part and you provided my audience
not only with a perfect moment by moment picture of autism but also
wonderful entertainment, which went to their hearts! You see, autism is
my subject.
MARVIN comes clinking in with
a tray of champagne already
poured..
COWEL (cont.) IfBettelsheim were here today--Bettelsheim originated the word
autism---I think he would give me top marks for the finest motion-
picture account of autistic behaviour ever.. He described autists as
driving a sort of car through life--everything in the car has been made
by them and reflects only them, without any suggestion of the world
outside! The walls, the pictures, the fittings and the curtains and the
carpets are all mirrors of themselves, and wherever they go they drive
this vehicle in dreamy disregard of other people's lives! Don't you see
that actors are natural, born autists? You afforded my audiences
downstairs a daily living example of everything I was teaching them!
Which, since they were financing your fool's paradise up here, was
rather fortunate for you both wasn'tit?!
MARVIN:
You mean to say we were on film night and day --(as CROWELL
opens his mouth to speak)---sO may I ask Mr. Screwball what they felt
about, well, my voice, personality, comportment, and of course Miss
Turndale's Ophelia?
CROWELL:
They thought you both utterly bewitchingl-these two live their theatre,
they said, they have that lovely trick of making you feel inside them as


they are inside you!
MARVIN:
And are we on film now?
CROWELL:
Oh yes!
MARVIN (at once turning his best to the audience and setting the tray down with a
special elaborate grace) It was a long haul, Mr. Crumble, a
cruel one, very frightening, but as long as were appreciated!
LIZZY (to CROWELL) I wasn't quite convinced by your take-off of my ex-husband
Nigel Burbage, more especially as I knew he was in Pennsylvania
touring a pre-Broadway show.
MARVIN:
I wish you'd told me that!
LIZZY:
I suppose I lost confidence in my own judgement.
MARVIN:
Like me! I should have realised when I was talking to Nigel Burbage
that of course it wasn't him I was talking to---I mean this new Burbage,
this counterfeit Burbage, had suddenly forgotten what papering a show
meant! Yet I never cottoned on. Lizzy and I were both mesmerised!
CROWELL:
By your own fears. I learn that every day as a therapist! But (anxiously)
myi impersonations in general, are they good do you think?
LIZZY (as Marvin sets her glass down by her) Unsurpassable.
CROWELL (glowing) It used to annoy my mother---she said "you and your bloody
take-offs, why don'tyou be yourself for a change? (Wistfully, as
MARVIN hands him his champagne) A good question, seeing that I
didn't feel I had a self. (Raising his glass) And now let us drink to
'And in came Ophelia!---!
MARVIN:
What's that?
CROWELL:
The show you're going to play downstairs! To a live and kicking
audience!
MARVIN:
But where's the script?


CROWELL:
It's all on film for you to see! You're going to play on stage what you
see on film! I shall playi it over to you both until you've learned your
parts---the script is what you're going to see on film! You can run the
film a hundred times until you're letter word perfect, as I believe you
say on the stage! And do you know what we're going to call it?
MARVIN:
Your performance downstairs to capacity houses! 'AND IN CAME
OPHELIA! So now let us drink to your future success (raising
his glass)!
MARVIN:
We will do nothing ofthe kind sir! In the theatre drinking to the success
of anything is the VERY KISS OF DEATH! Let us simply drink to
each other.
CROWELL:
Then to your health Miss Turndale, to your health Marvin.
MARVIN (as they touch glasses, with irony ). And to yours for snatching us from a bogus
death!
CROWELL (after they have drunk) And you won't forget that I brought you together in a
love I hope will never perish! May we drink to that too?
MARVIN:
We may indeed!
He touches glasses with LIZZY
and they give each other a long
doubtful look, then touch glasses
with CROWELL.
MARVIN (cont.) And this house will be our sole venue!
CROWELL:
But downstairs!
MARVIN:
We shall appear nowhere else!
CROWELL:
Hear, hear!
LIZZY (with a shrewd managerial look) Except when on tour.
MARVIN:
Except when on tour.


CROWELL (after they have drunk, jumping to his feet) I must rush. My workshop has
already assembled. And this evening you must both come downstairs
and start blocking your moves on a real stage!
MARVIN:
But who's our director?
CROWELL:
You have yourselves on film! That's your book, your director, your
assistant stage manager, everything! Just play the film over and over
to yourselves again and again!
LIZZY:
But we must have Nigel's S approval!
CROWELL:
He's given it already! He's in raptures! (On his way out) Isent him the
film! (Stopping) Oh and I should mention that I'm letting this space out
as from tomorrow--to ballet companies---as it always was in the past,
ifyou remember---so can you find alternative digs?
MARVIN:
Digs? I have a three-bedroom apartment in Marylebone!
LIZZY (brightly) Oh! (Socially, as if they'd never met before) Do you really?
MARVIN:
My mother bought it for me years ago hoping I'd never set foot in her
house again---which to her intense annoyance I never did!
CROWELL:
Ah Marvin, you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth---not like
me, eh, a working class boy!
MARVIN (as he tries to leave again) I have just one more question. Where did
all those policemen come from? We ran to the window and saw hordes
of them!
CROWELL:
Very simple. I dressed twenty willing members of my audience in
police outfits and stood them at the Stage Door. Hiring those costumes
cost me a pretty penny too!
They stare after him as he leaves.
LIZZY:
He's not such a bad chap really, is he?
MARVIN:
Yes but fancy saying autist for artist! I mean it's SO affected!


LIZZY:
And what was all that about autists driving around in rooms?
MARVIN:
Only he can know! Then he brings up a German name--Bettle
something what's a German doing in all this?I mean the word 'art'
was Latin, Ialways thought! (Imitating CROWELL) Cezanne was an
autist! Picasso was an autist'!
They fall about laughing.
LIZZY:
And we're perfauming autists!
MARVIN:
Quick, we're going to lunch! I'm taking you to White's, it's visitors
day!
LIZZY:
We're going to feel SO funny, walking about the streets!
MARVIN:
Better hurry then---in case it proves untrue! (As they both rush to get
their coats) I mean 'autists --if you can't pronounce ordinary common
words how can you even mimic people, though I must say he's a genius
at that. (Getting into his hat and overcoat while LIZZY returns in a wild
flowery hat and a cloak we haven'tso far seen ) Good God! That's my
mother's cloak---it's marvellous on you! And you've got her Dolly
Varden on!
BOTH:
'And her mother came too'!
MARVIN (cont.) Actually what I was thinking while old Cow-pad talked his head off
was we'll do the Old Chap straight! That'll shake 'em!
LIZZY:
Not in original costume?
MARVIN:
In original costume! It's the only avant garde thing left. We'll show
the kids how you make up, what it feels like to put a doublet and hose
TOGETHER: We'll teach them how to stand and breathe and project! We'll turn this
nation of slouches into men and women!
CROWELL (over the intercom system) But Marvin that's a lovely idea! It's SO important
to reach out to communities! Wonderful! Wonderful! And my clients
down here think SO too! Can your hear them clapping?


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They stare at each other as the
sound of clapping comes from
below.
MARVIN (as he sets his hat at an angle and takes up his stick) Where was that last bit
from by the way?
LIZZY:
May Buds!
MARVIN:
Of course!
TOGETHER (as they walk off and the music from May Buds comes over) I'll get that
bloody peerage yet!
Silence. Then we hear slow
heavy steps on the staircase.
CROWELL appears, out of
breath. He is in overalls now,
and has a radio mike at his lips.
He stands gazing around.
CROWELL:
Am I on film?
A great cry of YES! from the
auditorium below.
CROWELL:
Here I am, ladies and gentlemen. Well, they've gone! And what an
exit eh? for people without two pennies to rub together! You tell me
theatre doesn't make people brave? But now we're going to put them
on the map aren't we ladies and gentlemen? 'Autists' or no "autists'!
To the sound oflaughter and
applause from below he begins
hauling the furniture to the
staircase area, beginning with the
dressing table.
CROWELL (cont.) Know where they're going right this moment? To Nigel Burbage's of
course---Lizzy's got the key! He no more has a flat in Marylebone


than I have. But this evening they'll be on a real stage, the one you all
are seated in at this moment. They'll be blocking their moves for And
In Came Ophelia . You don't know what blocking their moves'
means? It means fighting each other like hell to grab the best positions
on stage, the motto being 'steal the show for yourself wherever you
can'! Well, ladies and gentlemen, we open to the public two Thursdays
from now. Curtain-up at eight o'clock sharp and I hope you'll all come-
--and even pay for your seats!
Laughter and a burst of applause
from below as CROWELL throws
LIZZY's May Buds costume over
his shoulder and begins to exit.
THREE
THIS SCENE CAN BE AS MUCH AS 30 PAGES