TH E M ECHA NICAL SA W
A Play
Maurice Rowdon
COPYRIGHT LIBRARY OF
CONGRESS WASHINGTON


THE KECHANICAL SAR
A Play
Maurice Rowdon
COPYRIGHT LIBRARY OF
CONGRESS WASHINGTON


CHARAC TERS:
CAPTAIN JACK SIMMONS.
ELLIS (A Guest) a
BRIGADIER CHARLES THOMSON.
JOAN THOMSON (His Wife).
The Helpers At The Garden Party:
GEORGE GORRINGE d
ELSIE GORRINGE (His Wife).
MABEL FORBES.
DAVE FORBES (Her Son) d
HESTER SIMMONS (off)
SCENE: ENGLAND.


A garden-party in the even-
ings Behind the trees a
small country house is vis-
ible,
This side of the treos there
1e a long table vith glasses
and buffet supper. A group
of holpers polishes glasses i
mixes drinks: GEORGE and
ELSIE GORRINGE; MABEL and
DAVE FORBES.
There 1e dance music from a
gramophone. le see some
couples dancing beyond the
trees, under faery
ligh
ÇAPTAIN JACK SIEONS is talk-
ing to another GUEST. The
CAPTAIN is lean and full of
beef. The GUEST 1e palo
and thickeot and might havo
been overtaxing his liver with
rioh food in the last few
years.
SILMONS (ina loud voice, glacs in hand) Ky wife's tragedy is
thisam-ghe 18 never been able to have a kid.
Re've tried butea-l
GUEST (eipping his drink) Is it too lete?
The musio is suddenly switch-
ed up to top volumo and we
hear BRIGADIER SIMMONS, off,
shout Turn that bloody thing
domi, and abruptly 13 18.
lowered.
SIMMONS:
GUEST (ewalloving and shouting herd) Is it too late?


BRIGADIER THOMSON enters and
strides aoross the lawn. Ho
is a massive, flushed bulldog
of a man.
THOMSON (to the helners) Just got the gramophone fixed up!
GEORGE (with respectful nervousness) Going to dance, Brigadier?
THOMSON (going out again) Hate it!
SIMMONS:
She 's over forty. She admita to forty! (with
a guffaw)
GUEST (guffawing nervously) Oh, yes!
SIMMONS:
re've been trying for fifteen years or more a
I thought of sénding her-e-! (lost)
GUEST:
What?
SIMMONS:
Another man!
GUEST (staring at him) Another man?
SIMMONS (angrily)
Vell, by Christ, if you want a kid you have to
face facts---but she S too bloody respectable by
half! (Red in the face) She acts hearty, she
rides to hounds end makes a bloody nuisance of
herself hanging round the whips, but she'a a po-
faced bitch undorneath!
GUEST (zingerly) I see!
SIMMONS (looking round at the helpers in a lowor voice) I say,
do you think they heard?
GUEST:
I shouldn't be surprised,
SIMMONS (peering at him) Who are you?
A sputnik passes over.
aomebody hes caught sight
of it and there is a whoop
from behind: the troes.
A SHOUT (off)
It's a sputnik!
They all gaze upwerde e
ANOTHER SHOUT: Switoh the lights out!
ANOTHER :
Lights!
THOMSON - (off. with an enormous voice) Joan---can you get the
lights out?
JOAN (also off) Do my best! (Perfect in an emergenoy. you know)
The helpers stand there
gazing. GEORGE has a tall


jug of lomonade in his hand,
Ho and ELSIE are robust and
red-cheeked, Cooknoys 7 turned
country folk. MABEL and her
son DAVE both look frailer.
GEORGE:
See it, Elsie?
ELSIE (oraning) Not
GEORGE: :
Look! (He pointe)
MABEL:
Where?
DAVE:
Blimey, can't you e00 it?
SIMIONS:
I've got itt Theret (He shoote up an arn)
Hester: (No roply)
GUEST:
where?
The lighte go out and the
grampphone runa down. An-
other excited woope Every-
thing in derkness.
DAVE:
See it, mum?
MABEL (in a marvelling voice) Oh, yesi It's soarey, isn't it?
ELSIE (laughing) Soareyt
A squeal from behind the
tr oes. A laugh.
SIMMONS (alermed, a bhouting) Hestert
The sound of a slight coll-
ision and a 11quid oplash.
THOMSON:
Now, Christ in---i
GEORGE:
That the tell---?
ELSIE:
It'B the Brigadier!
THOMSON:
Issay, I'm sorryt Is that you, George?
GEORGE :
That'e rightt It's only the lemonadé:
THOMSON:
It's ail over my bloody trousersl
KABEL:
Your mife'll wonder what you've been up tot
GEORGE (spluttering)
Sseht
THOLISON (ohuckling)
Better make my way to the house a
SIMMONS:
It moves so fastt


Another squeal from behind
the treos.
GUEST:
Is this the American one?
SIMMONS (shouting)
Hester? There'a my wife, for Christ's sake?
ELSIE (to MABEL) Glad it's not a v2, oh?
MABEL:
I'll say!
JOAN (off)
Anybody seen my husband?
ELSIE (oalling out to her) Heta got *is trousers wot, Mre
Thomson!
GEORGE (to his wife, amsed) You'll dopt it, mato:
JOAN (off)
Hots what? Is that MrS Gorringe?
ELSIE:
That's it, Mrs Thomsont He epilt some lemonade
down hisself!
JOAN (off)
Trust himt
(Chuckling)
Heard that, Hester?
HESTER (off)
What?
JOAN (off)
The brigadier's gone and wet his pante.
HESTER (off)
Good God, does he still do that?
JOAN (off)
Apparently!
SIMMONS (to GUEST)
That's my wifes
GUEST:
Which one?
SIMONS:
The one with the brown voice,
GUEST:
8 IMMONS:
I feel washed-out tonight! Don't you feel--e?
I mean, what the holl is there to live for?
HESTER (off)
My husband's the samot
JOAN (off)
They*re all the samet
The lights come back on.
They are all gazing up.
The musio whines back. They
all blink. Dancing begins
again.
GUEST:
You asked my who I was. My nime 'e ELLIS.
How do you do?
SIMMONS (phaking his hand in an absent way) How do you do?
The best time I ever had wae in the nar. That


was my hour. I---1 Why am I being honest
with you?
GUEST:
I don't know.
SIMMONS:
I sodl sugar in Aus tria. Ran a paper mill for
a chap in England when I shouldn't have. Little
things. When they demobbed me I was rich.
GUEST:
Really?
SIMMONS :
I was a captain. Major, really. M.C. Got
it by shooting my mouth off at the right time.
Insurance-agent before the war, so I know How to
do it. I think I'm impotent.
GUEST:
What?
SIMMONS:
I've got no olass, that's my trouble. Know who
I am round here?
GUEST:
SIMMONS:
The M.F .H.
GUEST:
The what?
SIMMONS :
GUEST:
What's that?
SIMMONS:
Are you English?
Thé gramophone blares again
and onde more BRIGADIER THOM-
SON shouts, off, 'Turn that
bloody thing down!
ELSIE:
He must have found some new trousers :
JOAN (shouting) Is that you, Charles?
THOMS ON (off)
Who else?
JOAN (off)
I heard you wet your' trousers?
Music subsides again.
GUEST:
Yes a
SIMMONS:
What?
GUEST:
You asked if I was English.
SIMMONS:
Did I?
GUEST:
Yés.
SIMMONS:
You know, if I had a son, a little chap with
blond hair, I'd be a king---!


ELLIS:
What's the M.F.H?. , Sonething in business?
SIMMONS:
Master. of the foxhounde! Why don't you join
ELLIS:
I cantt ridet
SIMMIONS:
You can arive a car, though?
ELLLIS: :
Oh, yos!
SIMMONS (guffawing)
I thought you must be good for something :
Have another arinki
ELLIS:
Yes, lot'st
They walk over to the buffot.
ELSIE:
Evening, Captaint
SIMMONS:
Hullo, Mrs Gorringe: How's your husband?
ELSIE:
He*s bending down!
GEORGE appears from under
the
table.
GEORGE:
Hullo, Captain.
SIMMONS:
That about the deal, Goorge?
GBORGE :
No, Icouldn't. I've boen thinking it over-
but-a-well, the railwayts securet
S: IMMONS:
Like hell it ist Seoure for early doath by
boredomt
ELSIE:
That's what I tell him. He necds adventure.
GEORGE:
I need money.
SIMONS:
Money comes by graft, risk, fiddle, sleight-of-
hand.
MABEL:
Drink, Captain?
SIMMONS:
Please, Mre Forbes. Gin with a closed bottle
of Martini half a yerd awey!
They laugh politely.
MABEL (to ELLIS) That about you?
ELLIS:
Yes, please. Whisky.
MABEL:
Neat?
ELLIS:
With a shot of soda, please.
The muoio bursts intoa


: deaf'ening roar again, and
at once, 9 as THOMS ON'S voice
begins. 'Turn. that bl---!
it subsides again.
SIMMONS (sipping his gin thirstily and looking round)
What the
devil_goes on?
MABEL:
It's the Brigadier's wife, she likes to manage
the mechanical side.
ELSIE:
She's always got her head stuck in a machine, like
a man.
SIMMONS:
Shés wonderful 'on the hunting field, I'll say
that! Mouth's too big, that's the trouble!
Théy laugh politely.
SIMMONS:
Wife said to her one day, 'Your husband may be à
brigadier but I believe that doesn't give you the
right to hand out orders to the Master!* She's
respécted Hester ever since. (To GEORGE) You
know, George, my wife's tragedy Is---1
GEORGE (at once)
Like somé Martini in it, Captain?
SIMMONS (blinking)
What was I saying?
ELSIE (to ELLIS) Are you new here, Mr-w-?
ELLIS :
Ellis. That's right. I came yesterday.
MABEL (to SIMMONS)
Is that sputnik American or Russian?
SIMMONS :
American.
ELSIE:
They'1l start throwing their weight about now :
They've always been a boastful lot, smericans,
don't you think so?
SIMMONS:
Well---(hesitating):
MABEL (to ELLIS) Are you Ameridan?
ELLIS:
Me? No. What made you think so?
MABEL:
I was trying to place you. You don't look
foreign yet you do." Just like Americens I
(Smiling) Sorry---I'm like that!.
SIMMONS:
The way that bloody thing was travelling.
And-you could just see a little trail of silver
fire ooming out of its arse, did you noticé that?
ELSIE (while they laugh) Your language, Captain!
SIMMONS (blinking) What's that?


ELLIS (to SIMMONS)
Why don't you adopt one?
SIMIONS (screwing up his faco) one what?
ELLIS:
A child. Weren't you saying---?
SIMMONS:
Christi Ieve got enough to do with the hunts
You'll not believe me but it coats the best part
of two thousand a year.
ELLIS:
Really?
SIMMONS:
I've got a little office in the City-a-my employees
wonder why we don't ezpand---I could teli them?
ELLIS:
Do you catch any foxes?
SIMMONS (turning sharply to GEORGE)
What?
GEORGE:
Fe says do you catch any foxos?
SIMMONS:
oht (Unoomfortably) Fifty brace a year, eayt
ELLIS:
Fifty brace?
MABEL:
That's right, they always measure them in bracost
Thoy all laugh, vith the ex-
oeption of SIMMONS.
GEORGE (to ELLIS) A hundred, it means.
ELLIS:
As many as a hundred?
SIMMONS (waving his amms about) - tell, it's a diffioult sport in
this part of the world-matoo many roadset
MABEL:
My boy Bays he reckons you don't catoh anythink!
DAVE:
All right, all righti
SIMMONS (nith a nervouo glance at DAVE) Your boy don't use his
oyesf
MABEL (to annoy DAVE with a wink at ELSTE) My boy reckons he
Shoots moro than you catch, and all you do is
drive 'om on to our chickone :
GEORGE:
Sesht
SIMMONS :
The ground's damned difficult, trs Forbos, it's
a built-up area, tho old rurai England's dead,
there was a dnai day when you could hunt at East
Ham, balieve it or noti
NABEL (tiokled) Now don't dome to me with your .old excuses!
GEORGE (to MABEL, with a smile) You've baen at tho gin, haven't
you, mate?


MABEL fburlesque) Lieten to thatt You know I don't like
the stufft
ELSIE (to ELLIS) Do you know the Brigadier's wife, Mr Ellis?
ELLIS:
Yes. I met her this morning. She asked me
to stay for the garden-party.
GEORGE (with deliberate polite interest) Do you live round here,
then?
ELLIS:
No. I've been living abroad.
GEORGE:
Oh, I se0.
ELSIE (to GEORGE)
Noseyi (To ELLIS) He was born like itt
A orash, off. The music
stope. Pandemonium behind
the trees.
SIMMONS (dashing off) That's Hester! She always gets drunk
about this time :
ELSIE (quietly, as they watch SIMMONS disappear) You're telling
mel She shows it in her face, too. (fo ELLIS)
Ever seen her, Mr Ellis?
ELLIS:
ELSIE:
She's got one of those flushed C omplexions if you
know vhat I mean.
ELLIS:
Oh, yes:
GEORGE:
I don't supposo this gentlemmn wan ts to hear all
our local gossip.
MABEL:
Don't you be 80 sure, mate!
(with a
wink) Eh,
Mr Ellis?
ELLIS (with a smile) I like a bit of goseip.
MABEL:
of course, you dol Itts naturai! (To ELSIE)
I liked it when he said tmo thousand a year,
didn't you? I thought I vouldn't mind a lick
off that. Where the devil does he get it?
DAVE:
well, they say money breeds monéy, don't they?
ELSIE:
All thrown down the drain on a lot of blasted
foxest
MABEL:
Fifty brace a year, I don't thinki I reckon
all they want is a nice ride on saturdays!
DAVE (to ELLIS) You been away long, Mr Ellis?
ELLIS:
A few years, yes.


DAVE (pleasantly)
Miss the old.country?
ELLIS:
A bit.
DAVE:
I wouldn't mind getting away for good!
ELSIE:
You ought to hear. the Brigadier's wife leading
off When she's. out on. a hunt---*Cut tem dahn!
out tem dahn!'* she screams o
ELLIS:
Cut down what?
MABEL:
The foxes: (With perplexity) She's ever so
nice really.
ELSIE:
She 's a bitch!
GEORGE (half-laughing) Ssssh!
ELSIE:
I tell you whén she 's good, Mr Ellis-i-in an
emergenoy. She always railies round, 1f you
- know what I mean.
MABEL:
She was something in thé war : They say she was
the only woman that went in the submarines.
GEORGE:
They gave her médals enough, anyhow I
A shout from behind the
trees: 'Youtd better take
her home, Captain!
CAPTAIN SIMMONS dashes in
again.
SIMMONS (to ELLIS) Well, good night, old chap! (They sh ake
hands) I enjoyed our frank di so ussion!
ELLIS:
Is your wife: all right?
BIMMONS:
Oh, yes! She started a beagle hunt---the usual
thing! Tripped over the wires! She chases hares.
ELLIS:
Hares?
SIMIONS:
Well, good night, Mrs Gorringe! George and
Dave, Mrs Forbes---you did very nicely, thank
you!
They all say good night
end the CAPTAIN hurries
off again.
GEORGE (to ELLIS 1
The Brigadier's an interesting man, too.
He's been dalled a rock of justice, and I don't
think it's far from the truth, either. He
sits at the local Sessions. (To MABEL) Do
you know, he did all that wood panelling in
the house over there?
MABEL:
Did he reaily?


EISIE:
It's more than she'd dowashe don't. even feed
the poor devil:
GEORGE:
Still, she's a good worker. I'd like to see
anybody else run a farm like she did single-
hended. (Again to ELLIS) The Brigadier does
embroideries, too. You've néver seon anything
like *em! mey take anything. up to. three years
sometimes a I reokon every stiok of furniture in
that house is oovered with his work.
MABEL (to ELLIS)
It's funny for a man, isn't it?
ELLIS:
Yes a
ELSIE:
What parts do. you live in, Mr Ellis-e-very far
away?
ELLIS:
No. South of Franoe. Vhere the sun sh ines.
ELSIE:
Oh, that's nice! I wish we'a get more of it
here!
MABEL:
It's lucky ne dian't get a downpour tonight.
The forecast said storms, so' I thought (with
another wink at ELLIS) wé'a get it nice!
GEORGE:
It's on the way, don't you worry. It ion't
of,ten those boys are wrongs
DAVE:
I heard à rumble as I came over *
MABEL:
It was your st omach, mate!
ELSIE (laughing) Go on't Here---do you remember that storm
just before the war, Mabel? -
GEORGE:
Blimey, you're going back, aren't youn :
ELSIE:
Well, I've never lived through a worst starm,
I can tell you that much. I remember us two
huddlin* in the scullery, anyhow, eh, Mabel?
MABLE (to GEORGE)
You was underground, mate, so it didn't bother
you,
ELSIE (to ELLIS) He was in the mines.
GEORGE (also to ELLIS)
I'm not sorry I gave up that larks
Still, I don't see as it'e much better on the
railwaye.
ELSIE:
Go on with you!
GEORGE:
If you can see a future in it just tell me:
DAVE:
It's clean, for a start.. Not 1ike paints.
GEORGE:
I don't see it's so oloant I shifted a


oartload of coaldust this morning and didn't
notice it, anyhow :
ELSIE:
Well, you got your offer, didn't you, ma te?
To my mind, you looked a gifthorse in the mouth.
GEORGE:
I'm not walking into anything blindfold and that's
a faot!
MABEL (to ELLIS) My Dave mixes paints all day. I'm sure it's not
doing him any good!
DAVE (discourezing her) All right, oll right!
MABEL:
I heard it gets in their lungs and--!
JOAN THOMSON, the BRIGADIER'S
wife, enters. A quick, an-
xious-looking, eporty woman
in her fifties. Peroeptive,
alert eyes.
JOAN:
Hullo, all: Lots left over for Sundey din,
Mrs Gorringe?
ELSIE:
That's right, Mrs Thomson:
JOAN (with a chuckle)
I'l1 have the old chap eating sandwiches
for a fortnight! (They all emile politely)
Well, Mr Ellis, what about seeing the house?
ELLIS:
Love to.
JOAN:
I expést you went to gét aviay?
ELLIS:
Oh, no, I-
ELSIE:
He's been having a natter with us, Mrs Thomson,
you know what I--
JOAN (outting her short) Well, let me lead the way. I'm afraid
it's in a bit of a meset
She leads ELLIS out.
ELSIE stands there looking
abashed and mortified.
ELSIE:
Kell, I never! She makes you feel that bis,
don't she? (In the direction of the house)
You old cow, you---for two pins I'd give you
a piede of my mind!
DAVE:
She'd better not try any of her 1ip on me, else
there'll be trouble!
ELSIE:
She doos it so sudden! She starts off nice,
then all of a sudden she turne :
GEORGE: :
I told you before, you've got to watch your step


with them people: She's not one of us, you
know.
The BRIGADIER comes in with
new trousers on. They bright-
ens
THGRSON:
You cen clear up now! No more musio---thank
God!
MABEL:
Your trousers dry yet, Brigadier?
THOMSON (chuckling)
Steeming in the kitohen: Where's Ellis?
ELSIE:
Who?
THOMSON:
The foreign chap.
ELSIE:
Oh, your wife took him in to see the house,
Brigadier!
get
THOMSON:
I see! Kell, we can dlear wp! I never any
enjoyment out of these things : a
(Gazing j
round)
GEORGE:
Never mind, Brigadier. Have a drop of whisky.
THOMSON (turning to him slowly with a slight smile) That' - s the
nicest thing 's been said to me this evenirg :
GEORGE pours him a stiff
glacs.
GEORGE:
There :
THOMSON (taking it and sniffing it) Thet's my Isla Mist, if I'm
not mistaken!
GEORGE:
I kept your bottle aside.
MHORSON:
Didn't the Captain smell it?
ELSIE:
He eniffed round a bit but we waved an onion
under his noset
THOMSON:
Voll, here's to your health, good peoplowe
(stopping) but I'll not drink alone!
ELSIE:
Oh, well, then! (as they nll take up their
glasses)
GEORGE:
Got anything in it, Mabel?
MABEL:
Xou bet!
They all drink, with
'Good heal th!", 'Here's
health!*


THOKSON:
Look at those treet-! (They follon hig
gaze) When you aie you're 1ike that, just
the same e (Silence) There's no point jump-
ing and shouting and switching that blasted
music on, you've got to come to it in the ond.
Ah, well! (He drinks off his glasa witha
guip and raps it back on the table) Better
take all this stuff to the barn, George--a
it'll rain tontght!
GEORGE:
Right you are, Brigadier.
THOMSON (peering through the trees at the guests)
I suppose
they'11 go home some time d They only come for
the boose. Good night, all:
ELSIE:
Good night, Brigadier :
He stalks off. They gaze
ofter him.
MABEL:
I don't think I've ever seen that man really
smile. He laughs, but he don't smile.
GEORGE:
He's got nothing to emile about.
ELSIE:
If they were all like him it wouldn't be 8o
They assemble the cartons of
food and the orates.
BABEL:
It makes me smile---she wouldn't dream of
giving us a penny for this work, would ehe?
DAVE:
Oh well, we get a few drinks.
MABEL:
No, but we are piecans, aren't we? she's only
got to say a word and we.go all soft inside:
I do, at any rate! I don't think I dould give
her a no 1f she asked me to put my hand in boil-
ing water,
ELSIE:
It's the voice, Mabel. They're brought up to
it, you see,
GEORGE:
She's not a bad old st iok.
ELSIE (to MABEL)
Remember that time she gave me five shillings
for washing out nine pairs of sheots? Nover
again, Elsie Gorringe, I said!
Tney collapse the table.
The faery iights 60 out
behind the trees.
GEORGE (to DAVE) Fifty brace of fox! He must think we're
mugs!


DAVE:
They say he's a proper. martinet on the back
of a horse. Cusses and blinds!
GEORGE:
I reckon that's why they do it-mwto work off
their poisons a
MABEL:
It makes.me laugh, all this captain and brigadier
lark. Anybody'd. think there was a war. on!
DAVE:
Oh, they love théir names!
GEORGE:
I'l1 call myself lanoe-Corporel!
ELSIE (laughing. to MABEL) It took him five years in the oook-
house to get a stripe!
MABEL (to GEORGE)
I heard you wes mentioned in despatohes for
your mashed potatoes, mate?
GEORGE:
That's right!
ELSIE looke round to see if
anybody is , looking, then
speaks in a lower voice.
ELSIE:
Who is thet young feller?
MABEL:
I reckon they're selling the house!
ELSIE:
Go ont
GEORGE (to DAVE. with a smile)
There they -go!
ELSIE (playfully) All right, nosey, you needn't listen!
MABEL:
She said she*a never let it be sold, not over
her dead body: That was a month ago.
ELSIE:
I reckon he put his foot down.
MABEL:
I wouldn' 't live over there, I dan tell you that
muoh!
GEORGE (to DAVE)
Last time I looked ot the stairs there. was dry
rot all the.wèy up. That was two years ago,
so God alone knows what it's like now! Tne
roof'd fall in if you breathed too hard!
ELSIE (to MABEL) She says to me once, she says, Mrs Gorringe,
the best dinnér for me is a niéé piede of fish
and six pennorth of chips, ina newspaper!
CAPTAIN SIMMONS enters
againa
SIMMONS:
Seen the Brigadier?
ELSIE:
Yes, he just went over to the house, Captaan.


SIMMONS:
I hear they're sealing it: Know anything
about it, George?
GEORGE (turning away) Not me, a
DAVE shoulders some oartons
and trudges off.
SIMMONS (calling after him) Tell the Brig I'd like a word with
him, Dave a
DAVE (off)
SIMMONS:
Got another drink?
GEORGE:
Well, we 've packed up really, Captain.
SIMMONS:
Come on, you artful old bugger, there's some
whisky under there---I can soe it!. (Bending
down to one of the orates) God ebove, Isla
Mist!
GEORGE (uith a smile) - It's the Brigadier's private bottle.
SIMMONS:
Well, just milk a little off for me (As
GEORGE pours a glass) Now what about it-m
18 he selling or not?
GEORGE:
I told you, I don't know.
ELSIL:
There's somebody come to look at it.
SIMMONS:
Nho? That foreign chap?
ELSIE:
I think so, yes.
GEORGE:
Only a mug'a. buy that place, Captain..
SIMMONS:
What? I could turn it into a palace. What's
the mattor with you people? You 're like all
the other Englishmen nowadays---no bloody in-
itiative!
GEORGE:
All I say it you wouldn't get your value.
SIMMONS:
I'd make the value! It's a businessi man's
dream, that bloody house. Three hundred yards
from one of the biggest highways in England,
with a soreen of poplars in front!
MABEL:
It gives me the jitters. I only have to. set
foot: inside that door and I dome over liquid!
SIMMONS:
It's got style---the past-a-! It's a house
to sit and dream in. Vhat else is there to
do? I'll never forget that week-end at Chev-
enham. : It taught me all I knew about life.
(His eyes gleaming) That's why they won't let
me buy it. Because I've got no class.


The BEIGADIER's voice:
*Somebody want me?'
He appears.
THOMSON:
Oh, hullo, Jaok! Young Forbes said I was
wanted.
SIMMONS:
That's right. I've just been having some of
your bost unblended.
THOMSON (irritated) : Oh, that's the style.
(With a glance at
the others. who promptly go on with their work
He end the CAPTAIN with-
araw from the others a
little, and THONSON puts
his hand on the othor 8
shoulder in a paternai yet
gingerly may.
THOMSON:
What's it about?
SIMMONS (pointing at the house) That.
THOMSON (after a pause) What?
SIMMONS:
You didn't invite me to meke a bid, did you?
THOMSON:
Vell, it'Swed (Besitating) This
needed
a house prétty quick, you see. Seldnx of mine
in the city more or iess talked me into it.
SIMMONS (oynically) Oh, yes?
THOMSON:
If he don't meet the price I'll let you know ese
SIMIONS:
Thanks :.
An awkward pause a
The helpera begin taking out
the crates, cartons etc.
The BRIGADIER and the CAPTAIN
wait until they're alone,
SIMMONS (with a fixed expression) You haven't paid your hunt
cubscriptions. *
IHOMSON (his head ducked) Oh, really?
SIMMONS:
Yes, really. * I could sit and dream in that
house. That' 's one thing I learned about the
English early-in life, They. don't help your
dreams *
1HOMSON:
Comé, you're English, aren't you?
SIMMONS (gsgressively) Well, I've never been outside except


to kill Germans :
THOMSON (parrving) A good reason to travel.
SIMMONS:
It's more than you did: You were warming
your arse in Maita all the wer, I believe?
THOMSON (abashed)
SIMIONS (looking aoross at the house again) We could have our
hunt meetings over there. Instead of in the
bi toher 's!
THOMSON (his anger up) I can't see what's wrong with a butcher:
SIMMONS (glaring at the house again) She might have had a baby
over there!
THOMSON:
Vhat?
SIMMONS :
You never know---the right atmosphere could prod-
uce fertility!
THOMSON:
You fool! She's fifty years of age! :
SIMIONS:
It's happened bef ore :
THOMS ON: A
It's never happened;
Silende. Anger brooding
like a volcanoe.
SIMMONS (in èn outburst) You never wanted me in that hunt:
THOMSON:
I like your damned cheek---!
SIMMONS:
The two thousand quid cames out of my pooket,
for all your bloody class! You 're Iiving on
me when you hunt cn Saturdays!
THOMSON (flushed and shouting an a strange. meohanioal way)
I started in the family buciness, I'm an MA,
my war record's olear! My name was bandied
about for Lord Sherrif of the County, I oomm-
snded a'battalion in Malta for nearly two
years---I got the CBE-?
SIMMONS:
I was mentioned in despatches twice, they
respected me in the mess-w-l
They shout in a thiok,
blind, rhythmic way, as
1f not really speaking
from their own thoughts.
SIMMIONS:
Shut up! I've sat on thirteen boards and
God knows hon many tribunals: I dane at
White's now and then, I'm a member of Savage' 's,
Carlton's, the Traveller's! I was in the TA
before the war and wont in the Buffe as a majore--:


SIMMIONS:
I fought with my orn hends, the soldiers under
me lovéd the ground I walked
it's just that
the wife oan 't have any iea-on,
THOMSON : (turning on him suddenly)
There's always trouble with
mixing olasses! You're not by any means a
natural M.F.H:
SIMMONS (almost in tears)
I'm the only one with money!
THOMSON:
Tweed could have filled the job, or
Crew, young Viscount Wallmaster-a-but
all
uPh0v0
been eaten away by death duties---!
SIMIONS:
Like you, I suppose!
THOMSON:
My wife, not me! Mine's a trading family and
I don't mind who, knows it: In the var I was
called to Corpé Headquatters frequently to olear
up points of supply--1 sat on the officer sel-
ection board- l--!.
SIMMONS:
I built up my business from soratoh---I've earned
my way to where I am nowwe-in the mess they used
toget up when I came in---I wasn' 't substantive
major but that was my name---Major Simmonse
the GHQ commended for getting *B' Echelon up
two hours after consolidating my chaps on ahilly
position---point 287-a machine gun nest--I
ran up soreaming!
THOMSON:
Two of my boards wore banka, man! I've got five
horses in my stables, I buy a new car every yearg
my brother-in-law B in the Houce of Commons, his
wife has a title,- they own Bome railways in South
Africat
SIMMONS:
Ly wife has distant relatives who---!
THOMSON:
I inherited an estate in Scotland : I lunc hod
the other dey with QC whode father was Speaker
once and we talked about costly clarets for near-
ly two hours---Lord Bligh oame in--ehe s one our
board---and we found we knew each other ae kide!
SIMMONS :
In the mess I used to lose my temper and make
young subalterns feel a fool---the Aajutant always
came to my bivvy for a drink---I made a standing
order that nobody lorer than acaptain should talk
at our table unless addressed---I had two secret-
aries before the war-sI used to run a car in the
days when that was Something: le took a holiday
on the Riviera in 1937-e-:
THOMSON:
le go every year to France: We know the hotels
11ke the baok of our hands : We drive through the
Loire and sometimes the Rhone. De go to the
Bahamas, stay at a alose friena's housewee! I
(running out of idoas) I---I never voted Labour


in the. post-war eleotion!
SIMMONS:
Nor did I! (Remembering with a shock) Yes, I did!
THOMSON:
My fa ther wa s a friend of old Lord Grey's and
met Baldwin tw ice! In the orisis at the Fort
he lunched with Edward the King---I can't stand
royalty myself, it's; the Bosch in them, I suppose,
but by: God I'd fight----!
SIMMONS:
Ever sinée the war we've always gone to Cannes
or a little place called Bague de Zou 'where we 're
quite familiar! The restriction on foreign curr-
ency ne ver meant a thing to ust
THOMSON:
I never put my hand in my pooket when we go
abroad---there 's a trust in sSwitzerland from
a farm we sold up---the family had interests
in Tasmania onde!
There is silende. They
stare before them, panting.
The recital is over:
THOMSON (fumbling for his leather cigarette oase) Have a cig-
arette.
SIMMONS (out of breath) Thanks
THOMSON (showing him the case) Florence. Nice, isn't 1t?
SIMMONS (smelling 1t) I love the Smell of leather. My wife
waiked in with a leather éoat on the other day.
THOMSON:
Coat?
SIMMONS:
Believe it or not. (Helping THOMSON. to a light)
My. bank manager gave me the shock ofmy life when
he showed
me the bill.
THOMSON:
That's one good thing---my wife doesn't spénd much
on clothes. She's an untidy bitch, as you may
have remarked.
SIMMONS (confidentially)
Oh, while I'm on it---you might tell
her to keép a check on her language when we're
out---! Itts not swearwords I mean---it's the
tone. The other women feel she's a bit upstage.
THOMSON: (reasonably) M* wife has to be understood, that's all.
SIMMONS :
Oh, I realise that. But I thought I'd just tell
you.
THOMSON:
SIMMONS (glanoing at - him doubtfully)
I'm sure she doesn't mean
to be highhanded!


THOMSON (also doubtfully)
Oh, no!
SIMMONS (holding out his hand) Well, itte been a nice evening,
Brigadier. Hester's drunk in the car.
I've
fixed up a place in tho baok for her---she says
she loves passing rout.
THOMSON (chuckling)
Just 1ike her family.
SIMMONS:
She says she'd like to pass out completely one
day-m-to the valley of no return:
THOMSON:
That's the trouble with women. Too imaginative.
I elways describe imagination as 'overheads we
can ill afford.'
SIMMONS:
Did you ever trv with the wife?
A pause e
THOMSON:
What?
SIMMONS:
Did you try---hard?
THOMSON:
In what way?
SIMMONS:
Dor a baby?
THOMSON (stumbling) Oh---In--I-e
SIMMONS (confidentially) She started telling me I didn't---pull
my we ight properly!
LHOMSON (frightened) Oh, yes!
SIMMONS:
Did you?
THOMSON:
Did I what? (backing up)
SIMMONS:
Pull yours?
THOMSON:
Good God! (He hegine to chuckle) You...
SIMMONS (screwing up his oyes) What's that?
THOMSON (almost to himself)
You dirty bugger.s
SIMMONS :
But tell me--?
AHOMSON (vith sudden. stamping fury) She hates it: (Baring
his teeth and shouting) Ivd like to BITE her!
TEiting the air)
SIMMONS:
In life (quietly)---and my wife agrees---there
are two.basic and what we call royal kinds of
riding.
THOMSON (glanoing round carefully) How often do you ride?


SIMMONS:
Er---(also glancing round) three times a week-w
over very rough oountry!
They both roarywith laugh-
tor.
THOMSON:
Not a bad average:
SIMMONS;
By no meens!
THOMSON (about to leave) Vell, good bye, old chap! Drop in
and have a drink some time.
SIMMONS (shaking hands) I wili!
THOMSON (to himself chuckling as he walks off) Over very rough
country! Joan! (Calling) Joan!
They disappear in opposite
directions.


Inside the house:. a.small
hall rather like a barn,
with heavy beams. There
are a roughly covered settee
and an armchair, with odd
broken chairs and tables.
A'window gives out on to the
garden.
On the left a porch leads in-
to the garden; on the right
a door leads into the di ning
room.
JOAN THOMSON
is sitting on a
table smoking. Her 'skirt is
hitched up as if only breeches
make her feel really comfort-
able.
JOAN:
That you, Charles?
THOMSON (entering)
Has he gone?
JOAN:
Yes. He seemed to like it..
THOMSON:
I don't like him. I've got a feeling he won't
be reliable---the chequé'll bounce or something.
He potters about in a drawer
while he talks.
JOAN:
What are you looking for?
THOMSON (with a startled expression) My CBE. ribbon. I That
blighter Simmons didn't believe me!
JOAN:
You are a goof sometimes, old boy.
THOMSON (straightening up) Sometimes I forget I éver had the
CBE---it suddenly comes over me :
JOAN:
It 1s rather hard to believe.
THOMSON (blinking doubtfully)
What?
JOAN (with a glint in her eyes) Never mind.


THOMSON:
I had occasion to méntion it to old Simmons;
that's all. I say, do you know what he saia?
JOAN:
THOMSON:
He said, there are two kinds of bloody good ride
in life, and: I ride to hounds four times'a week---
no, threet
A pause.
JOAN:
What?
THOMSON:
Well, he said there are two rides---and I said
how many times a week---! (Sulkily) : Oh, I
dontt know--- something like that! I çan never
bring a joke off with you!
What d'you think of my garden party?
THOMSON:
Oh, (pottering again) all right.
JOAN:
Good idea my" switching the music up every now
and then, eh---to keep 'em on their feet?
THOMSON:
Was that you?
JOAN:
Mé and old Hester.
THOMSON (chuckling) I don't know, you are the bloody 1imit,
you two.
JOAN:
It was her idea. Did you see the sputnik?
THOMSON (mumbling, at the drawer again)
To hell with the sputnik.
They both yawn.
JOAN:
So what's wrong with my young ' man?
THOMSON:
Simmons wants the house. But I'm buggered if
I'll let him have it.
He'll pay within a month.. The whole thing :
THOMS ON (turning) Who?
JOAN: :
My young man.
THOMSON:
Good God! Has he got the money?
JOAN:
Appar ent tly.
THOMSON:
Idle rich? :
JOAN:
No, his company's buying the place.
THOMSON:
His company? I wish my company bought me houses:


JOAN:
He makes.. sputnik parts. a
THOMSON:
What?
JOAN (laughing)
I'i only kidding!
THOMS ON:
What's his offer?
JOAN:
A thousand more than you said.
THOMSON (starting) What?
JOAN (with cool triumph)
That's right.
THOMSON:
A pause.
JOAN:
In other Words, he's a mug.
THOMSON . (quietly) - Well, we. were after a mug, weren't we?
She goes to the window.
JOAN: :
Intellggent ohap (gazing out).
THOMSON:
The last intelligent chap you had as a guest
drove his car into my stables. Ana then des-
cribed it as an act of God:
JOAN:
We'll see what this chap can do!
THOMSON:
He treated me with great respect. I must say
that. He called me sir. (Gazing at her)
He didn't seem won over by your libellous
stories. Have you started on him yet?
(She hums and picks thread from her skirt)
I say,' he wasn' 't won over by. your stories.
JOAN:
Yes, I heard.
Silence. There is a clap
of thunder in the distance.
She walks to the door abrupt-
ly (left).
JOAN (going)
I'd better get the gramophone in.
She leaves and the BRIGADIER
is alone.
THOMSON (gazing out of the window)
I smelt rain. (His hands
thrust deep in his pockets, his shoulders hunched)
I didn't fight. Well, I know that. Some of
us didn't. We couldn't all fight, damn 1t!
Only one: in seven of an army does. (A pause)
Eddy did---same build as me---(it begins pouring
with rain outside) same sohool---he s tood over
the trenches directing fire., (Another pause)


Bloody fool.' He only did it because he's:
potty: Hullo, rain. The trouble is, I---:
(He. stops looking round)
I don't believe in
a damne d thing!
Lightning and an enormous
clap of thunder.
JOAN dashes in. She has
thrown a kind of old sack
over her head.
JOAN:
Oh, come on, for Christ's sake---there's half
the furniture out there! It isn't ours, either!
HHOMSON:
I'm ' sorry!
Heid dashes out after her.
The rain grows heavier;
there is more thunder and
lightning.
We hear JOAN and the BRIG-
ADIER. puffing and blowing
as they push upright chairs
into the porch.
The chairs grow slowly until
a pile of them almost blocks
hhe doorway entirely.
Then the BRIGADIER emerges at
the : top of. the pile. and climbs
back into-t the room, soaked and
out of breath. JOAN follows,
jumping. down. in an agile way.
THOMSON:
Well! I rather enjoyéd that! Just what the
liver ordered.
(Wiping himself with a hand-
herohier as he sits down) God knows why he
does rest peot me. Because I'm a JP, do you' (
think? Like that American I met in the City.
Shook hands with him---and I found he was trem-
bling. Know that? Yes:
JOAN (having thrown the sack off) Trembling?
THOMSON:
I'm everything they're frightened of, perhaps.
JOAN (ironically)
Is that possible?
THOMSON:
In one word, olass. (Taking off his jacket)
I can tell you one thing, I prefer your buffet
suppers to the dinners you cook. Those spuds
I got last night looked like pin eushions :
(Suddenly) By God, Hester'sa fine piece,
isn't she? I mean---! 'Onë shufti at her
and I spend a restless night:


JOAN:
All right, old boy, don't get beyond yourself:
She walks across to thé
dining room door and as
she does so he puts out
a hand to touch her.
THOMSON:
Joan---how do you think they enjoyed it?
JOAN (suffering his hand on her arm silently)
Oh, all right.
THOMS.ON:
Let's have another drink. Joan--! (Pulling
hera: little)
JOAN (between clenohed teeth)
I'll get the trink!
She then strides off.
THOMSON (to himself again) She's always been like that.
I used to sit on the bëd and cry. Joan!
(Calling suddenly)
I say, you haven't seen
my embroidery, have you? The latest job?
(Jumping up rather frantically) I left it
on the chair here!
There is no reply and - he
stumbles in some thing of
a panic towards the poroh
and maneouvres the hill
of chairs again, cursi ng
to himself. The room
is empty again.
The rain continues. There
is more lightning. We
hear the BRIGADIER crash
into a.last ohair on the porch:
'Damn!t Then there is sil-
ence.
JOAN reappears with the
drinks in hér hands. She
looks round.
JOAN:
Charles?
Only the sound. of the rain.
She puts the drinks down
and goes to the window.
She peers out.
At last we hear a soraping
at the porch again.
JOAN: :
Is that you, Charles?
We hear him climbing the
chairs again. His head
appears. at the'top. Tnen
he climbs down.


THOMSON:
It's' ruined. : I It. was in the flower patch.
Three years work.
He stands gazing at her.
Thé rain has soaked his
shirt now.
JOAN:
Here's your drink.
THOMSON: :
Aren't you sorry?.
JOAN (impatiently) Of course I'm Borry:.
THOMSON:
You left it in the mud.
JOAN:
I left it?
THOMSON:
You can be so cruel. That took me three years.
She shrugs,-though'a little
ashamed.
JOAN:
The colours don't.run, do they?
THOMS ON:
It's torn. Nearly ripped to pièces.
JOAN:
Hester used it as a hare.
THOMSON:
I thought Bo!
JOAN:
Oh, I'm sorry! (Taking his drink to him)
Here-a-come to mum!
She holds the glass to his
1ips and hè takes. a Bip.
Then she takes one as well,
from the same glass.
JOAN:
Pax?
He nods sadly and they link
little fingers. A- little
tug to confirm it.
THOMSON:
Pax.
Some of the drink spills as
they tug.
THOMSON:
Look out!
They smile at each other.
JOAN (as they séparate) Ah-a-I like the smell of that breeze:
(At the window) Do you know, he said he'd buy
the house without the land?:
THOMSON:
Did he?
(Suddenly realising what Shê has said)
What? Without the garden?


JOAN:
Yes.
THOMSON:
But the land's worth---!
JOAN:
I know :
THOMSON:
But what sort of complete bally idiot is this
JOAN:
He's.intelligent - They're all idiots nowadays,
didn't you know? And they get paid like film
stars. Anyway,,e can build up a.real stables
at last.
THOMSON:
You're damned right we'can! (With quiet aston-
ishment)
What a blasted mug? Here (suddenly)
he's not a Yank, is he?
JOAN:
THOMS SON:
I don't want this place colonised. I admire
them and all that, but we neëd a corner to our-
selves!
JOAN:
He's English, though you Wouldn't know it.
THOMSON (gazing at her with a slight smile) You are'a blasted
old Swindler, you know.
JOAN:
What was I to do---turn him down?
THOMSON:
Oh, not Certainly not!
They sip, their drinkss
JOAN (ohuckling)
Héster caught her hare just by the switohboard
tonight---brought the whole lot. down, 1ights,
radio and all!
THOMSON (reminded) She caught my embroidery, too.
JOAN:
You know what this déal means, don't you? I
can run the garden.
THONSON:
It means you can come down and lead him hell
when you like.
JOAN:
That's rightt
Another pause *
THOMSON:
0ld Simmons thinks I want him out of the hunt---
damned foolish idea!
JOAN:
Why?
THOMSON:
SAVS I've always looked down on him. Whic h I
have. I can't stand. him dressed up in that
pink coat of his. Makes him look like a
puppet!


JOAN:
You.men are frightful When you quarrel.
Hester and : Icould run that hunt better.
THOMSON:
Like hell you could. What about that time
she called you the fox's best friend?
JOAN (smiling)
I don't remembér.
THOMS ON:
I swear you'd been scrapping with each other.
You both came back with more mud on you than
anybody gèts on horseback, anyway!
JOAN:
She's/bitch, but so am I. That's why we agree.
And another thing we 've got in common---(glances
at him)
THOMSON: :
What 'S that?
JOAN: :
We're both childless.
THOMSON : (mumbling)
Ohi, put a sock in it, for Christ's sake
There is silence between
them.
JOAN (almost to herself) I used to try so hard. I used to.
sit and will a. baby. I used to pray even.
But you can'tdo it like that.
THOMSON:
All right, all right.
JOAN (almost in tears) : I was always picked on in the fàmily..
Always laughed at. All I heard-was 'service".
I always fell short in 'service'
And it 'was
such a hearty' family! I had nothing I could -
call my own---they always smashed it up for me:
(Putting her handkerchief to her eves) Tnéy
took my socks-a-I had to come down to breakfast
without any socks on, and then get shouted at.
THOMS ON (his head bowed, with disgust) Oh, Christ!.
JOAN:
I can see it in people's eyes. The Gorringes,
for instance; Dave Forbes. They say, She
puts her energies into the farm beoause---
THOMSON (raising his voice) You haven't got a farm!
JOAN (in a steely way) I will have? That's where this money's
going. A small stable. And a big herd of
Guernseys!
THOMSON (in alarm) Oh, no, wé're not héving that again---not in
the new house! Cows calving in the drawing
JOAN:
That happened once, you chump!
THOMSON:
ww-and the clang "of that bloody milk pail at
four o'clock in the morning---


JOAN: :
Five!
THOMSON:
It felt like., four: Then young, Dave Forbes
sticking his grinning. face round the. door-
(imitating him) 'One of your fences is down,
Brig. Four or. five missin' aga in!: Oh, no..
And the tramps through the mud for the missing
cow. The bloody agricultural inspectors, and
the milk board, and pigs rooting in the lawn.
JOAN:
I broke evén on it, enyway!
THOMSON:
But not again!' Not in the new - house!
JOAN:
All right---no Guernseys, no horses.
THOMSON : (menacingly) You'll léave my money alone!
JOAN:
I shan 't touch your money. I'll just tell him
the right price..
THEMSON (in a quiet, firm voide) 1 You won't tell him the right
price.
Another pause, during which
they sip their drinks. *
JOAN:
I wish you dould dance, you know.
THOMSON:
I'd have started thirty yéars ago if I'd wanted
JOAN:
Our family, quack told me once-
THOMSON:
Yes, I know: it 'lodsens the fluids':
JOAN:
You never loosened mine.
THOMSON (his head lowered) Yes, tes.
JOAN:
I still dream about a house full of children.
THOMSON:
Yes.
JOAN:
Easter's the best time for me---when all the
children come. I swear I can underst and them
better than grown-ups.
THOMSON (with a touch of reverence) I believe you. can.
JOAN:
I'd eigher like to be a child---or a horse.
THOMSON:
I say---(looking up at her hesitantly) do you
think I'm unattractive to women?
JOAN:
Yes.
THOMSON:
Why?
JOAN:
Well, you're big and hefty but 'not where it


oounts.
THOMSON:
Oh.' By God,: I'd like to spend a night on' - the
tiles with oid Hester---I'd be all right wtth
hér, I'm sure of 1t! I wish I'could remember
what. Simmons said about riding---three time s a
week.." Do you think he-wn? (Hé stops) -
I hean, do you think it's all right between
most péoplé?
JOAN (quietly) Go to hell:
THOMSON (almost to himself) The old Lady Maude liked me .
JOAN:
But she was cuckoot" She turned up at a meet
once : with a chamber-pot hanging from her saddle.
'In casé he wants to do something!' she said.
(Gazing before her) She was a fine old creature,
Maude a
THOMSON:
She was, I swéar she was a deal less loony than
the péople round her.
JOAN:
She had style. The last of the grand old ladies.
THOMSON (yawning) - Oh, well--- It wasn't a bad' evening, was it?
JOAN:
The rain kindly. held off.
They are silent.
THOMSON:
Is his firm sending a surveyor down?
JOAN:
He 18 the surveyor.
THOMSON:
What?
JOAN:
Among other things. He buye up property on
the Continent.
THOMSON:
I thought you said he had brains .
JOAN: 1
He has.
THOMSON:
What, buying property? .01d Simmons does that.
JOAN:
He says he'd pay twice as much an the Continent.
THOMSON:
Did he, by God?
JOAN:
He says the prices heré are low.
THOMSON:
Do you know, when I was in Germany a mont th ago,
on that enginèering boerd, the Germans kept us
waiting an hour. Do you think that was deliber-
ate?
JOAN:
Yes.


THOMSON:
Why?
JOAN:
Our position's shrunk, that's why.
THOMSON:
I've often thought I should have done the
same as my brother Gerald and gone to Calcutta,
there 's a wonderful swimming pool, they tell
me, and the old club's still there.
JOAN:
The days of the punkah wallah are over, old
boy. Anyway, you know my politics. I'm a
liberal.
THOMSON (pouting) What the devil's that got to do with it?
We could have lived outt there like this chap--
what's his name?
JOAN:
Who?
THOMSON:
The chap who's buying us a stable and a herd of
Guernseys.
JOANS
Oh, Ellis!
IHOMSON:
I mean, he lives in France. Why not? I bet
he doesn't' have a bad time down in Nice and
Montecarlo, in the red-light district! He
doesn 't seem ashamed. Why should we?
JOAN:
They abolished the brothels years ago.
THOMSON:
Did they?
A pausé :
JOAN:
I'll have to ask the Simmonses to dinner. I
don't want him dutting up about this house.
Ask your cousin twice removed---the honourable
one---there's nothing like a title for soften-
ing old Simmons up.
THOMSON:
Eddy, you mean?
JOAN:
That's right. I can't stand the way- hé walks.
Looks as if he wants to go all the time.
THOMSON:
Well, he does. He drinks too much. Anyway,
he's potty. And this house is a bloody dis-
grace. I wouldn't even invite this foreign
chap!
JOAN (defensively) You find me a housekeeper, then.
THOMSON:
I've found you a dozen of them---but they won't
stand your clothes all over the floor and your
filthy habits---the cow-dung in the kitchen---
hay from the horse-box all over the beds---and
finally---finally---that blasted mechanical saw
cluétering up the dining room! (He 1s livid)


JOAN (stung)
I'll keep it there another week. It needs
more work on the pistons.
THOMSON:
I've got the chairman and his wife coming to
ainner Saturday night: All that lovely pan-
elling of mine ruined! And the inlaid side- :
board with your grease àll over it---your nuts,
bolts, piston-rings, broken silencers---: (He
shakes his head dumbly)
JOAN (also rather inidespair) I told you, the silencer's bust!
You said you couldn't stand the noise.
THOMSON:
I couldn't: No, I couldn't!
JOAN (with a sigh) A11 right! : I'li clear it out of the dining
room---you'1l get your dinner party---but I'm
afraid I can't get the silencer done yet.
There
won't be time.
HOMSON (hushed,as if in pain) That's right. - No silencer.
(Nodding to himself) Tit-for-tat. All the
way through life. Dinner party---no silenoer.
Sell the house---a herd of Guernseys...
Suddenly he strides ac ross
to her, overcome . with rage,
and seizes her savagely.
He begins kissing and biting
her violently, holding her
hair in a great mass in one
hand. She st truggles and
then begins to scream in a
peculiar muted way.
JOAN:
Char--t Charles! You swine! Swine!
(Screaming at the top of her voice. as shé
manages to tear herself away) Swine!!
She stamps out of the room
like a soldier, into the
dining room. There is
some tearful fumbling with
machinery next door.
The Brigadier stands there
panting.
Suddenly the air is filled
with the deafen: ing roar of -
an"engine, minus its silenc-
er. A mechanical saw.
Tne noise 1s 8 imply immense.
BRIGADIER stands theré "bowed,
like à defeated an: imal, star-
ing in front of him.
There is shout from,the
porch: Lshgu Brig!
Suddenly he realises he is


being oalled. - He turns
this way and that, torn
between. the enginé and the
voice from the. porch.:
THOMSON (thinking to appeal to JOAN to turn it off) - Joan:
Jc oan!
VOICE (off)
Brig! Are you there, Btig?
THOMSON:
Yes, damn you! (Swivelling) Joan! Joan:
JOAN (appaaring) What the devil---?
THOMSON (shauting) There S---
He indicates the. porch and
as:he does so CAPTAIN SIMM
ONS is seen climbing over
the barrier of chairs, He
is wet and bedraggled.,
SIMMONS (shouting at the top of his voice) HAVE YOU SEEN
HESTER?
JOAN disappears again.
THOMSON (screwing up his face) What?
SIMMONS:
HAVE YOU---(the éngine outs out) SEEN--
(He stops, stunned by the silence) What
the devil have you got there?
THOMSON:
Oh, it's---it's... A mechanical saw. -
SIMMONS:
In the.dining room?
THOMSON:
Yes---the---er---wife, she's hathng trouble
With.it.
SIMMONS:
But what the hell'can she be outting up in
the dining room?
THOMSON (irritably) She's mending it, that's all:
SIMMONS:
In the dining room?
THOMSON:
Oh, shut up, for God's sake: It's. bad. enough
with her!
SIMMONS:
I'm sorry.
THOMS ON:
What's the tnouble, anyway?
SIMMONS:
Hester's not drunk in the car
A pause.
THOMSON (staring at him)
What?
SIMMONS:
She hasn't gone to bed in the car.


THOMSON:
I.should hope she hasn't. Does she usually?
SIMMONS:
I fix up a bed there. For when she chases hares.
THOMSON (turning away and. speaking quietly) You're drunk.
SIMMONS:
But everybody knows I keep a bed in the shooting
brake for when she. gets tight!
THSOMSON (again furious)
I don't know
anything about your dom-
estic arrangements, man!
SIMMONS (quietly)
Well, she's not. there anyway.
Another pause. o
THOMSON:
Why should she be?
SIMMONS:
She always is---after she's been chasing hares.
THOMSON looks at him slowly.
WHOMSON (calling out) Joan! Hester's missing!
SIMMONS:
I've tramped miles.
t L
JOAN appears.
JOAN (showing signs of her former tension) What's that? Oh,
hullo, Master!
SIMMONS:
Evening, Mrs Thomson. Ihope I'm not interr-
upting your---sawing...
JOAN:
Oh, no, not a bit!
THOMSON:
He's lost Hester. She isn't drunk in the car.
JOAN:
What?
SIMMONS::
She caught her harew--some sort of' old embroidery--
and then she didn't make her aaaal beeline for
the car!
JOAN:
Where can she be, then?
THOMSON (sitting down with some perplexity) : I don't know nhy
things have to go so topsy-turvy.
JOAN:
Shall I call the police?
SIMMONS:
Oh, for God's sake, no! She might be---weli,
you know---binge, hay, hare, singsong, that sort
of thing.
A pause while the others stare
at him.
SHMMENS (continuing, to THOMSON) : A habit of fiftéen years sudd-
enly goes phut!


THOMSON:
That's Must what : I mean---topsy-turty! - Sit
down, old chap.
SIMMONS (sitting down) Thanks.
THOMSON:
She can't have gone far.
SIMMONS:
For fifteen years it's been like clockwork---
binge, hare, hay, singsong. And now there's
this!
Silenoe. The others stare
at him in bafflement again.
THOMSON (screwing un his face) . What's that?
SIMMONS :
I say, it's been as-( (lost for a moment). 4
fixed' as the stars for fifteen years!
THOMSON:
d What was that you said---binge, hey...?
SIMMONS:
Binge, hare, hay, singsong.
THOMSON (gingerly. with a glance at JOAN) Oh!
SIMMONS (Eith a trace of indignation) We haven't got children,
you know :
THOMSON (quietly) Quite.
SIMMONS :
You see, we have asingsong in the oar, on the
way home, after thè. hare. She hits the hay
and then we-sing!
THOMSON:
Ah, yes. She doosn't sleep in the car?
SIMMONS:
Good God, no! Singing's all part of it.
We tve got some of the dirtiest Irish songs
you've éver heard!
JOAN (chuckling) Really?
SIMMONS:
And it--! (He stops, eyeing thém both)
Works us up. For later.
JOAN:
THOMSON (guffaxing)
Good Lord:
SIMMONS:
The rest is silence, as they say.
JOAN (with a wink at THOMSON)
I should hope so.
THOMSON (trving to gét rid of his naughty-nauchty smile) Well,
what's to be done?
SIMMONS:
We '11 have to scour the countryside, that's all.
THOMSON - (jumping up). - Right! What'll we do---spread out nr


recce all togethér?
SIMMONS:
Spread out,'I think.
THOMS ON:
Will you take -command?
SIMMONS:
No, I think you'd better. Higher rank and
all that.'
THOMSON:
Oh. Well, thank you very much.
JOAN:
I'l1 get some greatcoats. They won't be very
fine, I'm afraid.
THOMSON:
As long as' they keep the rain off.'
JOAN goes - out right to get
the coats.
THOMSON:
You také the path down to the river,. I'llgo up
to the farm and Joan can's stay on' : the road, she's
got high-heeled shdes on. Communicationi voice.
Synchronise. (Looking at his watch)
SIMMONS :
What?
THOMSON:
Synchronise.
SIMMONS (looking at his watoh alaa) On:
THOMSON:
It's doming up toa. 13 hours: Ten, nine, éight,
seven, six, five, four, 1 three, two, one, now.
SIMMONS:
Thank you.
THOMSON:
Hea dquarters, this house.
SIMMONS:
Right.
THOMS ON:
Got any ammunition?
SIMMONS:
Christ, I don't want to shhot her!
THOMSON:
As you wish.. It's your. party.
JOAN returns with thre e
rough farmooats. She
throws one to her husband
and one to SIMMONS.
THOMSON (watching SIMMONS As he struggles into 1t) Fit, old
boy?
SIMMONS:
Yes, thanks:
THOMSON:
Right, let's advance. Joan, you stay up.
on thé road. (He begins olambering over thè
chairs in the porch) Blast! There 's a little
climb, I'm afraid, Simmons.


JOAN:
Shall I.go ahead, Master?
SIMMONS (meekly) Please.
JOAN climbs after her
husband.
JOAN:
Damnt - (A chair. falls in the porch)
THOMSON : (off)
You all right, Joan?
JOAN: :
Yes, thanks
CAPTAINS SIMMONS begins
climbing absent-miadedly.
SIMMONS (to himself) After fifteen years---phut. (crash)
Damn!
He. disappears and the stage
is empty.
THOMSON (off)
Lovely night. for a show like this :
SIMMONS : (off)
Here I am?
THOMSONfoff)
Very well, you know your orders. Spread out!
Report back to head quarters by 03.00 hours
(0-three hundred hours) :


The same : but all the furn-
iture and the curtains have
been removed. Builders'
materials. One thing remains
from the previous soene:
the pile of 'chairs in the
porch, forming a barrioade
nearly.as tall as the door-
way.
GEOREE GORRINGE and DAVE'
FORBES are stripping app-
arently endless layers of
wallpaper off the walls.
The floor is already ankle
deep in various patterns
and colours, 'old and new.
GEORGE and DAVE are dressed
in overalls.
GEORGE:
A lot of paper here, mate! (rip)
DAVE (rip)
Silence.
GEORGE (turning to look at him firmly) Either you don't wash
your ears out, mate, or you daydream.
DAVE (rip)
I daydream.
GEORGE:
Seatst (Rip)
DAVE (rip)
GEORGE:
'Eh*? You want to get on to B, mate, it's
next in the alphabet! (rip)
DAVE:
Everybody's tscats* for you.
GEORGE:
It's better than teh* (rip).
DAVE:
GEORGE:
(rip, rip)
DAVE (turning to him) Do you think he's right?
GEORGE:
Who?


DAVE:
Ellis.
GEORGE:
What about?
DAVE:
He says we' 're all policemén! -
GEORGE:
(rip, rip, rip, rip) A-c-d-c-ht (exclamation
of disgust)
DAVE:
Itts true. There*s no openings. : There's
always a copper round the corner---you can't
get forward in this country. You always feel
you're doing wrong. That's the truth.
GEORGE (half to himself) You and your bloody openings (rip)!
Here---I'll tell you something, mate. You
néed a woman.
DAVE (smiling)
I need more than one -
GEERGE:
I never talked my bloody head off about open-
Ings when I was your age.
DAVE (careless rip)
I'd work, real work, if I could get things
a bit clear,
GEORGE:
You take after your mum (rip).
DAVE:
Sometimes I think I've got that fatal diseene.
GEORGE:
What---putting lids on paint-tins? You're
scats!
A pause, a
DAVE (rip)
What a way to spend Saturday.
GEORGE:
It was your idea, mate.
DAVE:
It was Ellis. He said it was a good open-
ing.
GEORGE:
Listen, he lives abroad and he's foreign and he's
very big and he comés ovér here with his pookets
full and all that 's very fine; hets bought a nice
house riddles with dry rot and Woodworm and Christ
'knows what else and he's paid three times as
much as it*s Worth and he talks French fluid---
DAVE:
Fluent. 1
GEORGE:
si-fluent, and I expeot hets seen the Folly
Bergear and hets béen in the re-light district
like the Brigadier said, and his clothes are
dandy, he combs his hair nice and he's very
charming to my wife, shets going to wash out
his dirty clothes for him and make his beds,
but we' *ré not French, maté, we 're workers, and---!


DAVE:
I'm.whatever I can maké myself!
GEORGE (angrily) Well make yourself a millionaire, then---I'm
sick of your lazy-arsed talkt
DAVE (turning away) All right, all right. - -
GEORGE:
I went down the mines---!
DAVE:
Here we go!
GEORGE:
Iwas a boy of sixteen and I lived in darkness
the..best part of the day. I got some strength
in my arms, I ean tell you! I used to cry myself
to sleep sometimes with my duodenals My old
dad used to tell me about the tommy-shops. They
gave you food instead of wages', and if you didn't
like mildewy' 'bacon they gave you the sack.
I used to get drunk regular on Friday nights and
have a woman in the early hours of Saturday morn-
ing. That was before I married Elsie, and it
went on for two years afterwards, too, bécause I
don't like to bréak a habit too precipitous,
it's bad for the nerves.
DAVE:
Ellis was born by the Liverpool docks. His dad
works on the barges.
GEORGE: :
Get out--frip) he's foreign! You can see it!
Liverpool docks!
DAVE (his eyes gleaming)
I'll wait for a win on the pools.
GEORGE:
You'll wait a damn long time, mate!
DAVE:
I'd like to. have the sun on my back all day--
(rip) Tasmania---ride round the farm on horseback
GEORGE:
You've signed up with three of the dominions as
an immigrant, mate, and you still haven't gone: :
There 's no more dominions left atter this lot.
DAVE (rip, rip, rip) Oh, well, I---!
(Burying his'head)
If I couid see an - opening I'dgo but---T
GEORGE (RIP)
You get one big opening, mate, and that's at
the end, a. nice big hole and you go down. it
and you never oome back! Is that What you
DAVE:
GEORGE:
We never ought to have started this job. It's
like damming up the séa! (Rip. He stands back
with a puzzled air) Blimey, how many more bloody
layers of this S tuff? I reckon it stretches
back to the middle. ages! :


DAVE:
You're getting paid for it.
GEORGE:
I'm getting paid.for this. Then what? vn
gongrs
DAVE:
Ellis said his compeny'syhelp us :
GEORGE:
Is that written?
DAVE:
GEORGE:
*Eh*? I said, it it WRITTEN?
DAVE:
What are you talking about?.
GEORGE :
It sounds to me like a French promise, that's
what I mean.
DAVE:
Get out :
GEORGE (rip)
In the 1914 war, they tell me, the generals
used to order up a French division, start the
bloody battle, then. find out they. wasn't theret
wawt
DAVE:
You don't to believe all, that stuff.
GEORGE (to himself)
'French *
DAVE:
I like the French girls, anyway.
GEORGE (turning to face him and using his tool as a pointer) :
Listen, there's too much parlee-voo and com-
prenee. and madermeselle-from- Arment éars over
there, if you ask met
DAVE gazes at him with
bafflement but says nothing.
A pause.
DAVE:
He says I Should give up my job at the paint
works.
GEORGE: :
Don't do 1t!
DAVE:
Iwon't.
GEORGE:
Good.
DAVE (ironidally) Beacsue I don't want to do anything brave,
do I? You wouldn't, would you? You'd do
this job week-ends, then go back to the railways
Monday and twiddle your bkondy thumbs till
somebody finds you another wall to strip!
GEERGE::
Thatts right.
DAVE:
So would I. But it's not my instinot. My
instinct's to give up that bloody paint job.
It's already given me a fatal disease.


GEORGE:
Don't talk.scats!.
DAVE (earnestly) I can feel it-a-it crawls up my lungs,
mate---it tickles inside---it's on my bronohials---
it brings mé . out in pimtples andi.seems to walk
all round inside like specks. of sand---(alarmed,
hiseyes popping out' of his head). I can feel it--
I can feel it now---it's thers---Geoggo---
GEORGE! (panic) GEORGE, for Christ's sake!
They're on my bronchials, they're crawling up
my throat (trembling from head to foot as GEORGE
tries to control him) 9 they're nibbling at my
lungs, they' re---! GEORGE! GEORGE! (He
soreams and begins orying, as GEORGE* comf orts
him)
GEORGE (quietly) Here, mate, that won't do. Come on, take
it easy, take it easy. That's it!
DAVE (crying like a child on his.shoulder) It hurts, George,
it's like pins and needles...
GEORGE:
You've had umpteen doctors examine you, mate,
and there's nothing wrong. It's your brain,
They stand there in a
strange embrace.
ELLIS ent ters.
ELLIS:
Anything wrong?
GEORGE: :
Oh, hullo, Mr Ellis : No---it*s (glanoing
down at DAVE'S bowéd: head) Dave ts fatal dis-
ease, that's all.
ELLIS (staring at DAVE) He's got one?
GEORGE:
No, he thinks he has.
ELLIS:
Oh. (To DAVE) Lift your head up, Dave.
DAVE (lifting his head and wa lking back to his wail without
Looking at ELLIS)
I'm all right now. (Rip)
ELLIS (to GEORGE)
I've just been up on the roof. It seems
a bit ricketty.
GEORGE:
Oh, that roofis all right.
ELLIS:
Think so?
GEORGE:
Oh, yes. :
ELLIS::
The Captain's ooming over. Wants to talk
about the house. Use it for his hunt meet-
ings.
GEORGE:
Oh; yes?


A pause.
ELLIS:
You haven't seen his wife this morning, have
you?
DAVE (furning, rip) old Hester?
ELLIS:
Yes.
DAVE:
Not this morning.
GEORGE (with a smile)
Don't you fanoy her, then, Mr Ellis?
ELLIS:
Well---she chases me d
They both turn slowly and
stare at him.
ELLIS (nodding) Yes. At the garden party. She chased me
down to the river.
DAVE:
Did she catch gou?
ELLIS:
Yes.
DAVE:
Then what?
ELLIS:
GEORGE:
Everything went blank, like, eh, Mr Ellis?
ELLIS:
That's right!
GEORGE(turning back to his work) Oh, yes, we know the Captain's
wifet Eh, Dave? -
DAVE (rip)
I'll sày i
ELLIS (gazing round) How's the work coming?
GEORGE:
Well, there's more paper than I bargained for.
ELLIS:
Yes, there does seem a lot, doesn't there?
GEORGE:
If I was you, I'd settle for the next layer
and size it over. It's none of my business,
mind.
ELLIS:
Would you like some wine? Some real good
French stuff?
GEORGE:
DAVE (shyly)
Sounds very nice (rip) :.
ELLIS:
I'll get it.
He goes out via the
porch, cl imbing care-


fully over the chairs.
He seems to have done it
before.:
GEORGE (calling after him) She don't clear those chairs away,
1 see!
ELLIS (as he disappears)
They belong to a hire C ompany.
GEORGE (to DAVE) She *11 bore a hole through 'em ra ther than
clear em away. o
DAVE:
(rip, rip)
GEORGE:
A crash, as LLLISK returns. e
ELLIS (off)
Saved! (As he appears atthe top of the chairs,
holding the bottle aloft) Ever heard about the
Englishman who fell down two flights of cellar
stairs and didn't break his bottle of vintage
port? He got a concussion but the port was
all- right.
He descends smoothày.
GEORGE (eyeing the dusty bottle in a gingerly way) Oh, yes?
ELLIS (following his gaze) What's the matter, don't you trust
it? Rather have a nice cup of tea?
GEORGE (politely)
oh, no, nof
DAVE (quietly) Hé would, you know.
GÉORGE:
You see,: I've got a philosophy--
ELLIS:
Got a cork-sorew?
GEORGE:
Only: my penknifé:
ELLIS:
That '11 do. In a yéar from now you '11 be
having a banquet in this room---television
next door---the brigadier'swife dropping An
after a spott of- g ar dening-- - - a (as hé uncorks
the bottle) wait for the music, boys! (Pop)
There! Now, glasses! In the dining room.
Here (handing the bottlè to GEORGE)
ELLIS goes out right to
fetch glasses. GEORGE
looks at t he bottle with
fear.
GEORGE (almost in a whisper). Is this French, he said?
DAVE:
That *s right.
GEORGE (with awe) )
It's dusty!


DAVE:
It's old, that's why.
GEORGE:
Old? Can't they.get fresh stuff out t here, then?
DAVE:
What are you talking about?
GEORGE (heatedly) Well, he's been to the bloody country, hasn't
ELLIS. re turns with three
glasses. He gives a glass
to each and pours.
ELLIS:
Lovely Wood-panaaling in there. (AS they_watch
the wine) Like blood, isn't it? v
GEORGE:
ELLIS:
The wine. Like blood!
GEORGE: :
It*s blbod?
ELLIS:
That's it!
GEORGE (under his breath) Blimey!
DAVE (raising his glass with a wink at ELLIS) Well, good bye,
all, get in touch with: my Iawyer, won't you?
ELLIS:
Chin-chin!
ELLIS and DAVE drink, while
GEORGE watohes them. Then
he plunges in.
GEORGE (spitting it out at.onde) Ph-th--8-8-h-h-ht
ELLIS:
What's the matter?
GEORGE (handing his glass back to him firmly) Here.
ELLIS:
What's wrong?
GEORGE:
It is bloodt.
ELLIS:
What?
GEORGE :
It ist You can taste itt Now blood's
always turned me, I don't know why! I had
some pig's blood when I was down on a farm in
the war and I came out in a rash.
ELLIS:
You did?
GEORGE:
It's nice, mind you, but, I don't know, it
always turns me !
DAVE (ironically)
Whereas me, I've never minded blood, see?
(He drinks)


GEORGE:
Yes, well, you was néver in a wer, was you?
ELLIS:
Can I get you something else? Champagne?"
That's pig's bile.
GEORGE (with a smile) Now you*re pulling my leg. But, I
don't know, that other stuff doesn't agrée
with me. (Turning back to his Work, rip,
rip) You see, Mr Ellis, I was down in the
mines not far from Durham, I was in darkness
most of the time, I didn't léarn things like
other people did. The old man called me the
soul of, ignorance once when I stepped out of
the shaft. Those things cut deep, you know.
ELLIS::
Yes.
GEORGE (rip)
I use d to get - soused along with the boys on
Friday nights. They used to talk about the
other end of the valley, they liked to think
it was dlear, with pebbles at the bottom, but
it wasn'tt The slag used to drift down and
make it look like Indian ink. It stained the
countryside for five miles down the liné,
believe it or not.
ELLIS:
Really?
GEORGE: :
We was the toughest unionists there was.
If the miners didn't come out in sympathy you
was nowabte as a striker. And God help the
employers 1f they did come out! When we - pick-
etted, (stopping work andswelling his shoulders)
we pioketted and nobody got past us. We stood
there 1ike men of iron (standing there stifflyt--
*Where gou off to?t Work? There 1s no
(Yelling. at the top of his voice, to
the astonishment of the other two) 'Get baok,
blackleg! Get backi (Advancing on DAVE)
Blackleg, BLACKLEG I
DAVE (getting soared) € All right, all right!
GEORGE (finally) BACKI! (Pushing DAVE and then turning
back to ELLIS to goon with his narrative)
I mean, when you've had a day at the seams-
drilling so as the whole of your body shakes.
and you start to. wonder. if coal was ever really
neceasary-- --after a. day of that---well, lookt
Suppose you 've. got a seam---remember, we' 're a
mile and a half underground, don't overlook
that--et (He 1s about to demonstrate the
drilling)
ELLIS (following him with his eyes) No."
GEORGE (lifting up a large flap of the wallpaper on the floor)
Now suppose this is your seam---here, , take
this : (He offers the paper to ELLIS, who


takes it so that it forms asort of burrow
under which GEORGE proceeds to grope his way)
It's a narrow seam, and---( (interrupting himself
as he bends down) of course, I've got a drill
in my hand', that's a. weight and encumbrance to
-start with---then there 's my helmet and I might
need an extra lamp---but I'm fitted up with a
iight in my helmet which should do---right,
now! I'm just going down into the séam-s
(sliding into the burrow) just a bit higher,
will you, Mr Ellis?b
ELLIS:
Certainlyt
GEORGE'S head- disappears
and we only see his feet.
GEORGE (from under the paper) B-b-b-b-r-r-r-
ELLIS:
What?
GEORGE:
I'm drilling.
ELLIS:
Ohi
GEORGE:
getting right into the seam---can you hear me,
Mr Ellis? (His feet now disappear)
ELLIS::
Yest
GEORGE:
Right, well you can let that pa per go. now,
bec ause I'm as you might say tucked right into
the seam, itis dangerous work, I could easily
bring the whole bloody lot down on.my head, so
you've got to know Where to drill--- (suddenly)
B-B-B-R-R-R-RI There', now, thatts made a
kind of platform for me--- (the paper moves,
and apparently GEORGE has begun to burrow
his way along the floor) andi I can just-
Ehere, now! TRaising his voice like an in-
struotor) I'gereached a very good vantage-
point---I've got. no way' back unless I drill
it back---I'm completely stuck here and I've
got my: head in a tunnel---!
CAPTAIN SIMMONS enters
from the dining room,
unse enby the others.
He stares at the wall-
paper- in astonishment,
watching it'rise and fall.
GEORGE (suddenly)
B-r-r-r-r-! Brrrt There, now, itts
cleared another spac e-4-Ifm edging (the
paper moves and heaves : as' he burrows his
way further along) forwerd---sld owly--
Slowly---and---now-a-now---let rem have it!


SIMMONS watchés wi th
inoreasing fascination.
GEORGÉ (suddenly)
GASI GASI I can smeil gas---let me
get back---i Badki
SI MMONS (plunging forward) Gas, man?
ELLIS and DAVE turn in
astonishment.
ELLIS (almost a whisper) Oh, hullo, Captain.
GEORGE'S head slowly :
appears through the paper.
SIMMONS (addressing him earnestly) - You must have been on a
queer front, George, ola chap! I 'mean, for
enfila de fire---1ook--all right, stay theret
(AS GEORGE moves) Stay there! Thatis an
order!
The CAPTAIN dashes across
the room, to ELLIS'S and
DAVE'S combined astonish-
"ment; and reaches the win-
dow with, apparently, a +
light machine-gun under
his arm.
SIMMONS :
If you*re creéping up on Point 287 with en-
filade fire---las GEORGE moves again) STAY
there, mani Are you afraid or S omething?
By God, these bloody soldiers 'nowadays:
(Red in the face) You don't CRAWL and FIRE
at the same time, man, and.you don't cry. :
GAS because you can be bloody sure Jerry '11
ne ver use itt You' FIRE, man, on a fixed - -
line, and then wait for your orders! And
don't answer badk! I'm dug in for the night
half-way up the slope, it's been pouring wi th
rain, and.before light comes up I'm putting in
an attack. on a two-section front---I've got a
séction out on the left (pointing at GEORGE)
to givé me covering fire, and the rest of the
company is lying in reserve. All right,
us the fire---t. I'm
George, give
(ofouching
in the direction of the porch, which he has
apparently designated Point 287). advancing---:
Sileno e. GEORGE is
lying low.
SIMMONS:
Fire; you bastard!
GEORGE :
SIMMONS:
That's moré liké it!
GEORGE :


SIMMONS:
Follow me, chapsi. (Signalling to his:
men, who are apparently DAVE) Follow,
you bloody cowards ! By God, the. soldiers
I've been landed with in this war, I don't.
blame Jerry for thinking he's going to wint
(Shrieking suddenly) Follow, follow,
follow :
(After a desparate glance at ELLIS,
DAVE follows him helplessly) FIRE, you bastard!
GEORGE: :
Brrrt
SIMMONS (to Dave) FIRE:
DAVE:
Brrr! Brrr!
GEORGE :
Brrr!
SIMMONS:
Right (hets. nearly at the porch): : Now I'm
sending a runner back to say I"m ADVANCINGI - K4
Now, come on---! : (With'a terrifio blood-
ourdling: yell) - A-h-h-h-h-h
Running at
the porch and firing With his mac hine gun)
GEORGE: :
Brrrt Brrr!
DAVE:
Brrr!
SIMMONS makes a sudden
athletic leap up the pile
of ohairs and all we see
of him now is trousers
and Shoes.
SIMMONS:
GEORGE:
Brrr't. Brrrt Brrrt
SIMMONS:
A-awl (Suddenly he stops)
Silenoe. His legs are
motionless.
GEORGE:
Brrrt
silence again. The legs
are frozen..
SIMMONS (speaking to somenne off in a polite voice) Oh, I say.
I'm sorry.
His legs gradually return
to the room, and he lowers
himself down backwards.
Then JOAN'S head appéars
at the top of the chairs.
She is in riding kit.


GEORGE:
Brrri
JOAN (as she lowers herself into the room) May I? : Thank
you, Mas ter (with. a charming smile):
They all stând there
sheepishly. The paper
over GEORGE doeen't
move.
ELLIS:
Good morning, Mrs Thomson.
JOAN (pléasantly) Hulloi - Morning, Dave!
DAVE:
Morning, Mrs Thomson.
JOAN (to ELLIS)
I hope you don't mind thé chairs. They
said they'd oome and pick them up a week ago,
but you know what these hiring firms are like!
ELLIS:
Oh, that's all rightt
JOAN. (looking at thè floor)' What an awful lot of paper!
Did, all that réally come off. the walis?
ELLIS:
Oh, yes.
JOAN (with a quick glance at ELLIS)
I think it would hav e -
been nicer to leave it, you know. In a
house as old as this you have to bé careful!
(Kicking àmong the pieces of wallpaper)
Good Lord, I'd hever hav e said there was so
muoh on tho.walls---there's stuff from the
Thirties (xiokt--Victorian stuff---(kick)
ànd look at this (kick) : I swear it's the
damask you used to see in the very old
houses-. - (kick,kick,kiok)
GEORGE (in.pain) Awashhh!
JOAN jumps back.
HOAN:
What the devil's tha t?
DAVE:
Itts George, Mrs Thomson.
JOAN:
George?
GEORGE raises himseif
up slo owly, hursing his
calf, his face conta ted
with pain.
GEORGE:
(Limping away) Right on my war-wound!
JOAN:
But---What were you doing on the floor?
DAVE:
He was resting, Mrs Thomson.


JOAN:
Oh, Isay, I'm sorry.
DAVE:
He likes his: head covered.
JOAN:
of coursei
SIMMONS:
Do you' mean to say that W asn't enfilade fire?
DAVE:
Not
SIMMONS (to everyone, apologetioally) oh, I say, I'm sorry!
(To DAVE) I rather made you run, I'm afraid.
DAVE:
Oh, that' is all right.
JOAN:
Did I hurt you, George? (As he limps baok
to his wall) I'd no idea you were on the
floor---I mean, there was no way of telling,
GEORGE (rip)
That's all right, Mrs Thoms son.
DAVE:
ELLIS (to GEORGE)
Half a' minute.
GEORGE stops working
grudgingly as ELLIS walks
over to examine - the wall-
paper he has just revealed.
ELLIS:
That's just the wallpaper I want. Let's
strip it all down to that. Are you down as
far as that, Dave?
DAVE:
I don't think Bo.
JOAN:
It se ems, a bit bright to me : I mean, the
house has a certain character, Mr Ellis, and
you challenge it at your peril.
ELLIS (peevishly) I'm not ohalleng ing anything. Some péople
must have lived here wi th tha t pattern on the
wall.
JOAN (abruptly) Oh, well, the fancy 1sntt in my line! I
imagine you cultivate that on the Continent:
(Business-like)
What I really. came to ask
is would you mind awfully if I left the mech-
anical saw in. the. she d?
ELLIS:
No, not a bit.
JOAN (with renewed charm) How nice of you! There's always
a bit of tree wanting eut down, don't you think?
And as I'm looking after the garden I may as
well have the tools here.
ELLIS:
That's right:
JOAN:
I hope you're set tling in nicely?


ELLIS:
Oh, yes! Therefs just the roof---I was---!
JOAN (outting him short) That's. good. - Well, good morning 9
all. I'l1. see myself outi (Going to the
door right) Sorry about the: leg," * George,
but I'd no idea you liked resting on the
floor!
She leaves.
GEORGE (to DAVE)
What do you want to say that for? I
JOAN returns at once.
JOAN (to ELLIS) oh, by the way, my husband asked me to tell
you, in case you have any queries, not to
bother him, but get in touch wi th his lawyer.
ELLIS:
I seet
She leaves again.
SIMMONS:
Morn: ing, Mrs Thomson!
JOAN (off)
Morning, Masteri
ELLIS (to GEORGE)
That's nice, isn't it?
GEORGE:
It's her sort been kicking our sort for too
long---I (Turns back to his Work in a bitter
SIMMONS (to ELLIS) Is that the juice of the French grape I see?
ELLIS:
Yes, have S ome.
SIMMONS:
Very civil of you.
ELLIS pours him a glass, which
the CAPTAIN drinks at onoe,
to the bot tom.
SIMMONS (smacking his lips) By God, that's good! It's like
blood, bloodt
GEORGE (turning in astonishment) Bl---? - (Eo DAVE) What did
I tell you?
SIMMONS:
Yes, Géorge, I really thought that was en-
filade firé! By God, that's an attack I shan't
forget in a hurry---point 2871 They had a
trench cut along the brow of the hill and
every timé we moved a hair they fired. They
gave me an M.C. for it, by God: We had *ém
in the bag inside half-an-hour, thirty Jerries
shout ing Kamarad! It's the same principle
in the hunting field, you've got to lay down
a covering line of fire and swing on an axis,
when I didn't swing on an axis I was always


bloodywell lost---I used to find half the
bloody platoon wandering over the country-
side---you *ve
to swing on something!
The others ta.got in bemused silence) Don*t
you agree?
ELLIS:
SIMMONS:
You see, partly 1tts because I haven't got
a child. I started up this bus iness---I've
got absolutely no blasted interest in this
game at all, really-r-I'm only in it for the -
gold. That's whyficalled this conference.
(Suddenly, to ELLIS) Listen, why the hell
did you buy this house? Itts falling to
pieces.
ELLIS:
SIMMONS :
You're liké me ! I had a week-end at Chev-
enham once, thatts Lady Maude ts place down in
Shropshire, the old Brig got mé invited. down.
The place is falling to piec és, he wanted the
to dough up a. couple of thousand quid, which
I did as a building loan, he alwaus pulls a
title out of the drawér When he wants to lay
his hands on some cash, he's a JP, too, so
watch your stèp if he tries it on you, he's
one of the respectable twisters, and he'll'
come out: of 1t with. a title himself one of.
these - days, if he twists hard enbugh. I
wouldn't have got my M.C. if I hadn't dropped
the C.0. a bottle of whisky and told the méss
about point 287 until I was blue tn the fec e.
(Stopping, in a: perplexed way, blinking)
Why did you buy this house?
ELLIS:
I didn't.
SIMMONS:
What?
They all look at him.
ELLIS:
My firm did. : I surveyed it for them..
SIMMONS:
And then they bought it?
ELLIS:
Yes.
SIMMONS: :
A real firm---under a board of, directors?
ELLIS :
Yes.
SIMMONS:
Good God! Are théy ail drazy?
ELLIS:
No. Igavé them a false report.
A long silence.
GEORGE (turning away)
Well, my ears are sealed, I don't want


tb hear anything, I'm not saying anything
(rip) and I haven't seen anything. I used
to be in the reserve Constabulary and they can
look up old records and ask you to come in as
a witness and you take the oath yourself, and
the best thing is (rip) for Mr Ellis to stop
talking.
SIMMONS (gazing at ELLIS with admiration) You an d mé 'can do
business together! You're in the money, George!
GEORGE (shaking his head vigorously) oh, no, no!
DAVE (angrily)
What do you me an, oh, no, no?. It's a big
opening!
GEORGE: :
I'll keep on the right side of the law, thanks :
ELLIS:
I'm the company's lawyer, too,
SIMMONS:
What?
ELLIS:
Yes.
GEORGE: :
Oh, well,, enough said!
ELLIS:
I was in the school athletios, too. I speak
three langueges.
GEORGE (sheepishly)
Oh, well, enough said!
ELLIS:
I started off as a 500-a-year man, and rose
like a meteor. I'm a marvellous chap really,
though you oan't see it. - I---broke my heart
in France. I put 'on a lot of weight, I used
to be as spare as a girl, in my running days.
But worry always turns to fat with me. But
I don't think you'd call me fat?
DAVE:
Oh, not
ELLIS (to DAVE) My mum and dad are both Liverpool Dooks people,
born and bred.
(To the CAPTAIN)
I'm having
them down any week-end. They're - all. I have in
this country---I wish'I had more---I pleaded
with her, four years ago, I went down on my
knees like a man from two hundred years ago,
I. cried re'al tears on her dress, I said, "Don't
go away; let me have you, I'll keep you all
my life, we'll have lots of children, don't
see this man again (kneeling in front of DAVE
and. clutching his legs) don't let him kiss
you, don't stand under the window at night
to do it, I can see you, you're my wife (we.
were married, you see), I said, please don't
make me see you like that, it's When he puts
his arm round your hetk and then you open your--
(shrieking) I'll kill him, (franticelly) kill


him, kill him! But (quietly again, looking
up at the CAPTAIN) I never did. Icould never
have harmed that man.' And do'you know why?
SIMMONS:
ELLIS:
Bécause hé loved my wife. I thought, you
must be.nice to do that.s.
SIMMONS (his head bowed respectfully) Yes, my dear chap. Wé
all have our story. e
ELLIS rises soberly.
DAVE (in. a hesitant way) I can never take the plunge. I'oan
have a lark àll right, and pull theirlegs, 'and
a bit of slap and all that, but it's when they
get fresh, Dgo hot and cold all over and feél
like a. jellyfish!
GEORGE:
There's just one thing, Captain---I should like
this gentleman's credentials (indicating ELLIS),
if he's going to emplpy us i
SIMMONS:
Credentials?
ELLIS:
of course, I-4-!
GEORGE (interrupting him) Idon't want him to speak!
(His head
turned away from ELLIS) He's been out of this
country by his own confession four years or more,
and I'm not knowing him, I'm not hearing or seeing
him until it's laid down on papér who he is.
ELLIS:
But that's the wrong way round! An employer
looks into his Workerts credentials, not the other
way roundi
GEORGE (shouting)
ORDER! Ring tha t bell, Dave!
DAT VE:
GEORGE: :
Ring the order-bell!
Impat iently snatching
the bottle from ELLIS'S hands and banging his
tool against It) Order for the chairmen!
SIMMONS:
I can vouch for him, Geogge. : (With a wink at
DAVE)
We were in the army together
GEORGE:
Were you really?
(Baffled) Oh, well!
DAVE (returning to his work bitterly)
Sometimes, when I - see -
what openings some people have got, and I stand
in that place from eight in the morning till
five at night breathing paint-fumes---: Oh, *
well (rip) : My lucky day'll come! The law of
averages is on my side (rip).
ELLIS (to SIMMONS) There's a point about the roof. I was up
theré this morning and something shifted. It


didn't feel too safe.
SIMMONS:
Oh, that roof's "safe énough! 'You know, - I
always compare it to the ribs of a fourteenth-
century ship.
ELLIS:
You certainly get a wonderful view from up there.
I. think it was those trees outside that made me
take this place. It's like floating in. leaves
.up there : They're the most narvellous trees I've
seen in my life. I could see her face in them.
I thought, that's where I belong. She séemed
to be in the trees. So I came in and asked if
the house was up for sale, and it was. Extra-
ordinary, isn't it?
SIMMONS (going to the window and looking out) Yes, you're à
lucky blighter, Ellis! I've been after' this
house for twenty years or more. Perhaps you're
right, it's those tre es. It's---(He stops;
barking of hounds outside)
Hullo, isn't that
Hester?
ELLIS (jumping) Hester?
SIMMONS (wi thout turning round) That's right. My wife.
ELLIS:
I think I'll have another look at the roof!
Like to give me a hand with the ladder, Day e?
He.dashes off right.
DAVE:
Right 'ol
DAVE follows him.
GEORGE (oalling after him) : Mind how you go up there, Dave:
(Turning back to the' CAPTAIN, who is still
absorbed at the window) He's not used to
sc affolding, that's another thing---:
SIMMONS:
She's running!
GEORGE :
Eha
SIMMONS:
Towards the house. She's after a hare---
(The barking outside becomes more
excited). Go 1t, old girl! Head im offT
That's.it! Send Brave round the trees.. Then
Fortune. Thatts it! Back! Hark back!
(Jumping up and down with ecitement) Hark
away! Hark forward, forward! Back, damn you,
hark back, hark back, Pat and Brave and Far tune, 9
hark baok! B---t (He stops suddenly) I
say, she's beagling him up the---!. (The bark-
ing grows even more exoited) She's chasing
Ellis up the ladder!
GEORGE :
Ellis?


They are interrupted by the
most tremendous crash from
above.: It begins in a slow
rumble and rises to a crescendo
that shakés the Whole house.
And it goes grom one cascading
crash to the next, like tons
of coals being tipped down
a stairoase.
SIMMONS and GEORGE clutch
whatever they can get hold
of, and finally they clutch
each-other. Their bodies
are tensed against the crash
that promises to bring the
ceiling down on their heads.
At last it stopss They look
up slowly. A cloud of dust
drifts peacefully in from the
porch, over the piled chairs.
GEORGE (coming to. his senses first) Dave! Dave! Are you
all right? (Frantic ally) He's like a son
to me, he's---T DAVE!
DAVE (off, faintly) Hullo?
GEORGE:
Are you all right?
DAVE:
I'm in the daylight!
GEORGE:
DAVE:
I can see the sky. - Half the bleed'n roof's
fallen. int
GEORGE (turning to SIMMONS in astonishment) The roof!
But SIMMONS has sat down
disc onsolately and - is 1
staring before him.
SIMMONS:
It was Ellis...
GEORGE:
The roofis collapsed!
DAVE (off)
George : :
GEORGE:
Yes?
DAVE (off)
Mr Ellis won't come down.
GEORGE: :
Is he all right?
DAVE (off)
He seems all right. He's hiding.
GEORGE:
Hiding?


DAVE (off)
That's right!
GEORGE:
Well, leave him up there, then! It's his
house!
DAVE (off)
Right 'o!
SIMMONS (quietly)
I never expéoted that, George. It's always
been, well, a game---you know, not a man.
GEORGE:
What do you mean?
SIMMONS:
It's funny how you can feel your life drain
right out of you and know it won't come back.
Silende. :
GEORGE:
I hope he's insured. - (Gingerly going to the
window)
I reckon we '11 need danger-money
after this. Blimey! It looks like the
desert outside. Have you seen it? There ts
dust everywhere. It makes it look nice in a
way. (Turning to Simmons confidentially)
Like the quiet feeling you get after a battle.
Know What I mean?
SIMMONS (as 1f answering him) Yet she isn't the battling sort.
We made up a search-party, you know, the Brig
and his missus and me, and we were out two
hours before we tracked them down by the river.
Then he joined us for a cupt of tea.
GEORGE (lowering his voioe) I'll tell you something, Captain,
I sh ouldn't get too deep with the foreigners if
I was you. My wife says he's always on the
phone talking a foreign lingo. Fancy silk
pyjamas. A bath every morning. And squirts
soent all over hisself. And he kéeps oalling -
out a fordégn name. 'Frosty' or something.
DAVE appéars, dusty.
DAVE:
He still won't come down.
GEORGE (mysteriously) Just you keep your nose out of 1t and
you'll be all right.
DAVE:
Out of what?
GEORGE (grimly) Never mind out of what. Just keep it out.
DAVE:
Your wife's gone up the ladder, Captain.
GEORGE:
Now, thent
SIMMONS:
What?
DAVE:
It seemed a bit dangerous.


SIMMONS:
She's---shets. never minded danger. (He
gets up)
I think I'll go. (Walking out
blindly, via the porch) I'm going home!
(Beginning to cry silently as he sorambles
over the chairs) I won't be a witness!
Hester.. Hester...
But suddenly he, stops e
We hear him whisper in an
astonished voice, 'Ellis!'
He then retreats back into
the room, and we see ELLIS'S
head coming over the chairs.
He also. is covered with
dust.
ELLIS (to thé CAPTAIN) Ssssh! I got away.
SIMMONS (standing back) You what?
ELLIS:
I got away! E escaped!
SIMMONS:
From---from the hunt?
ELLIS:
Yes!
SIMMONS:
But I understood---! - Ellis!
ELLIS (out of breath, brushing himself off) Yes?
SIMMONS:
Do you mean to : say---? 1 Ellis! (His mou th
open) You---came away?
ELLIS (gazing at him)
The roof collapsedi
SIMMONS (military)
Damn the roof! She went up the ladder
after you, : didn't she, man?
ELLIS:
Yes!
SIMMONS:
She. chased. you on the night of the party,
didn't she?
ELLIS:
SIMMONS (yelling, his head lowered) Did she?
ELLIS:
Yes.
SIMMONS (quietly)
Thank you. (His head still lowered)
And then wha t happened?
ELLIS:
GEORGE:
Mr Ellis told me everything went blank, Captain.
The .CAPTAIN nods slowly.


ELLIS:
I'm' sorry. : Itaw-wasn't really my fault.
SIMMONS (suddenly)
It should have been, damn you!
ELLIS:
SIMMONS:
You played hound-and-hares down there4--by the
river?
ELLIS (with a panio-strioken glance at GEORGE)
Er-deyes!
SIMMONS (quietly)
Hare, hay, singsong?
ELLIS:
What?
SIMMONS:
Hare, hay, singsong?
Irish songs?
ELLIS:
She did sing some Irish songs, yes.
SIMMONS (with quiët patience)
That's why I ask you---hare,
ELLIS:
Hey?
SIMMONS:
Did you hit the hey?
ELLIS:
Er-s-! (With another panio-stricken glanoe
at GEORGE, who nods) Yest
SIMMONS (in hushed relief)
Thank you! Thank you, Ellist
(Going to him and grasping his hands) Do
you think she'll have a baby?
ELLIS (trying to back away) . Captain---she's over forty-five,
SIMMONS (mildly, with a smile, shaking his héad) No, no, no;
no. Thirty-five,
ELLIS:
SIMMONS (suddenly) And shets got the finest bottom in the
countyT
ELLIS:
Yes, I know, but---!
SIMMONS (over joyed) You know! That's why I ask, is there
. a baby?. What are my. expecta tions?
ELLIS:
But, Captain---! (He glances at GEORGE,
who mimes 'yes') Yes, She is. I don't
know, I--l (As SIMMONS appears to boil up
again) Yes. Yes. : I'm pretty sure.
SIMMONS (laughing) Itm a father!
(Dances round) A father 1
GEORGE:
Congratulations, Captain! (with.a wink,at ELLIS)
BIMMONS:
Thank you, George, thank you!


Hé goes and thakes hands
wi th GEORGE.
DAVE:
Congratulations, Captain.
SIMMONS (smiling and ga: Z ing into DAVE'S face with quièt confid-
ence) Thanks, David. (Turning to ELLIS again)
Look, why don't we go and have a drink?
(Taking ELLIS by the arm) Come on. I know
where we oan get something stronger-than -wine.
He marches ELLIS out via
the dining room, and ELLIS
throws a last helpless
glanoe at GEORGE and DAVE. *
SIMMONS (calling out to them as he disappears) See you later,
boys--plastered, I hope!
DAVE and GEORGE gaze after
them.
DAVE:
Can you make those people out?
GEORGE:
Bo, I can't. But I can tell you this much---
none of'em's happy!


The same: but the walls
are now uniform, and there
aré curtains and some furn-
iture. The hill of chairs
in the pordh is still there.
ELSIE is sweeping while
MABEL looks on.
MABEL:
It's funny, I don't like fold things. If my
Dave's got an old lighter I always throw it
away.
A pause, during which ELSIE
oontinues sweeping.
ELSIE:
Your Dave is put the first lot down for a oar,
then?
MABEL:
That's right. He'll be driving me out on
Sunday afternoons, : I'don't think!
ELSIE (with a smile) He '11 be driving out a girlfriend, more
Tikely!
GEORGE (off)
Elsie!
ELSIE (going to the poroh) Yes?
GEORGE (off)
Got a cup o' tea, mate?
ELSIE:
I'll just finish this sweepin'!
GEORGE (off)
Make 1 it snappy, gal!
ELSIE (walking back into the room) I reckon he'd swim in
tea if he had the ohancé!
MABEL
They're all the same. o
ELSIE:
Still, that roof's damned hard work, isn 't it?
There's new joists and everything.' Here---
(lowering her voice and glanoing round) do you
know how much he's putting down for that roof?
MABEL:
Who?
ELSIE:
Old Ellis.


MABEL:
ELSIE:
The best part of threethousand.
MABEL:
Go ont I reckon he needs his brain tested.
ELSIE (wi th another glanoe at the door) He dontt, you know!
He's oleverer than you and me---his company's
paying for the lot!
MABEL:
Go on!
ELSIE:
He's gone into this decorating làrk with the
Captain, and now he's paying himself three
thousand quid. Not bad, is it?
MABEL:
My Dave says he's only on the outside of it,
though.
ELSIE:
MABEL:
They're not telling him the real price.
ELSIE:
Who's not?
MABEL:
Your George and the Captain.
ELSIE (stopping work) Go' on!
MABEL:
That's right. It's only costing two thous and
really. And they're splitting the other thous-
and between themselves.
ELSIE (shocked, putting her hand ub to her mouth) Oh, dear!
MABEL:
That's right.
They' 're going fifty-rifty.
ELSIE:
Well, I never did!
MABEL:
Five hundred for the Captain, and five hundred
for your George and my. Davé. They're going
fifty-fifty, too. (A pause) Why, didn't
they tell you, then?
ELSIE:
You bet they didn'tt
MABEL:
My Dave says.it's high financé. It's always
like that.
ELSIE:
It sounds like a swindle to me!.
MABEL:
Oh, no, I don't. think sot
ELSIE (going on with her sweeping resolutely)
Oh, well: Least
said, soonest mended!
GEORGE (off)
Elsie!
ELSIE: (going to the poroh rapidly) Yes?


GEORGE (off)
What.ebout that tea?
ELSIE (angrily) Just you wait for your bloody teat
GEORGE (off)
All right, all right, keèp your shirt ont
ELSIE (walking back Anto thé room)
I'll give him tea!
She continues sweepirg, with
quick movements.
MABEL:
Is your Ellis up yet?
ELSIE (with anothér glance) He's going round. the place, wath
the brigadier. They've.been sniffing round
all morn ing. Here---I saw him sticking his
penknife in the : wood---showing the dry rot,.
you see.
MABEL:
Go ont
ELSIE:
I reckon he's getting. wise, don't you?, (In
a cautious half-whisper) : He's taking her to
court. He told me this morning.
MABEL:
Go ont
ELSIE:
He's not such a bad feller, is he, really?
MABEL:
I wouldn*t mind a ohase of him myself, would
you?
ELSIE (smiling conspiratorially) It'sa seream, isn't it?
MAI BEL: :
I reckon it's drink keeps her young!
ELSIE:
Turned fifty and expecting twins---I don't
know! :
MABEL:
Hy Dave says he's the best hare she's ever
had. (She looks uncomfortable) Idon't
like the way my Dave. talks: sometimes.
ELSIE:
Did you heàr him carrying on the other night?
MABEL:
Who?
ELSIE:
Old Eilis. He calls out a foreign name.
Some thing like *frosty'.
'Frosty, Frosty!'
(They laugh) And hé leaves all the windows
open, you know. It turns your blood cold,
it does, honestly, at night.
MABEL:
There's one thing I will say, he's brought
us out of ourselves, hasn't he? You never
used to catch me putting lipstick on. I
reckon it's all that wine he gives us :
ELSIE:
I. have to drink it on the sly. My husband
doesn't like it. He says it tastes of blood.


MABEL:
Men seem so bigotted, don't they?
ELSIE:
That's right!
MABEL (lowering her voice) : Did you see that . bite on the isi de
of Mrs Thomson's face?
ELS IE:
Not
MABEL:
I said, Hullo, Mrs Thomson, been having a sorap
with ope of your Guernseys---you know, having a
joke, like! And do' you know what she says?
ELSIE:
MABEL:
She says, The Brigadier bit me :
ELSIE:
Not
They both laugh, ELSIE
leàning on her broom.
ELS IE :
I reckon he gets hungry, don't you?
HABEE:
That's right!
A pause.
MABEL:
He spat blood the other night.
ELSIE (with a quick glance) Who did?
MABEL:
My Dave.
ELSIE:
Go on with you! (She goes on sweeping)
That 1 was his, tooth. : My George told me :
MABEL: :
Still, it was blood. I thought I'd go and
tell the doctor, anyhow!
ELSIE (firmly) Here, you just leave. him alone! I reckon he 'S
seen enough doctors:
MABEL:
I don't like him working up on that roof, either.
He's never been a one for heights.
ELSIE:
He'll bé all right.
MABEL (sitting down in a tired way) I don't know,. sometimes I
think I'm 111, too. I can never pluck up cour-
age to go to the doctor myself!
ELS IE:
I told you before, if you've got a pain, gp to
the hospital. Never mind ab out Dave, he's all
right!
MABEL sits ' staring before
her.


ELSIE. (a.s shé sweeps) - Worry*s your trouble.
A murmur of voioes in the
dining room.
BRIGADIER THOMSON enters
folloved by ELLIS.
THOMSON:
Splendid. panelling, don't you think?
ELLIS:
It's not so splendid up on. the roof.:
THOMSON:
There is no panelling up on the roof. Good
morning, Mrs Gorringe:
ELSIE:
Morning, Brigadier!
MABEL:
Morning, Brig!
ELLIS (as THOMSON sits down comf ortably)
I just want to know
what you're going to do about it, that's all.
THOMSON (after a pause)
Invite you down to Chevenham.
ELLIS:
What?
THOMSON:
My cousin Lady Maude's place. She married
a Chester (with a wink at ELSIE) e
ELLIS:
What are you talking about?
THOMSON:
She'd love to have: you. Nice morning, Mrs
Forbes?
MABEL:
That's right, Brig!
ELLIS:
You. know it put a cool three thousand quid on
the buying price, don't you?
THOMSON:
Listen, Monsieur--
ELLIS:1
And for God's sake stop calling me Monsieur!
THOMSON:
I'm sorry.
A pause.
ELLIS:
I mean, your wife swindelled me into buying
THOMSON:
You ewindelled youself. You cooked a report,
didn't you? Simmons told mel:
ELLIS:
Well (helplessly), I liked the trees.' : My
mother and.father are coming down---I-- (he
trails off)
THOMSON (respectfully) Fair enough.
ELLIS:
They could be comfortable here, watch television


all dey.
ELSIE:
That's right, Mr Ellis!
ELLIS (also sitting down) You see, I'll get the :: sack if they
know I put a' wrong report in.
THOMSON:
Oh, come, come :
ELLIS:
What do you mean, 'oome, come'? Suppose one
of your employees put three thousand quid on
your bill unnecessarily, what would you do?
THOMSON:
Sack him!
ELLIS:
Exactly. You see, I told them it was a sound
house, from 'cellar to chimney. Then the roof
caves int
THOMSON:
It's old, that's why!
ELLIS:
I know, but what I mean is, didn't she ever go
up and have a look?
THOMSON:
ELLIS: :
Khy not?
THOMSON (after another pause) She doesn't like heights. Thatts
why she was in the submarines (nith another wink
at ELSIE) :
ELLIS:
I'll néver find another job, that 's a certi
Not' round here, anyw ay. Everybody se ems crazy!
THOMSON:
What---you pay three times the proper value of
a house and then say we're crazy? Eh, Mrs
Gorringe?
ELLIS:
You took the money all right:
THOMSON:
That's not orazy!
ELLIS:
Well, you '11 have to get her to fork up three
thousand. quid, that's all.
THOMSON:
She hasn't got it. It went on the Guernseys.
And a.couple of chargers for me, short in the
arsé and their knees knocking together (with an
encrmous guffaw, and this time a wink at MABELT:
She told me they oost five hundred quid apeece,
and I know she got tem at the knacker's yard
for fifty each! That's the sart of-wife she 1s:
ELLIS:
I give up!
THOMSON:
In fact, she only let me out this morning to
soften you up, as she put 1t. 'Invite him down
to Chevenham', she said. *Wave a title under


his nosei.
ELLIS (half to himself)
It's funny, I must have been born
under trees.
THOMSON (to ELSIE) She likes to kéep me away from people.
She tells *em I don't want to be disturbed,
that sort of thing. All pérfect rot, of
course. I love being disturbed. (To
ELLIS)
What were you saying about trees?
ELLIS:
I said I only bought this house for the trees.
THOMSON:
Don't telliher that.
ELLIS:
Who?
THOMSON:
Mywife. - She'll have tem down in a second.
I only get roast beëf on Sundays by saying I
want iamb. See what. I mean? I get coffee
after dinner by howling for tea. I made a
big mistaké with those horses, though---I.
should have asked for a couple of brewers 1
drays and she 'd have got me thoroughbreds!
(Guffawing with great enjoyment) I'm in good
form this morning, eh, Mrs Gorringe? It's
thorugh being let out for the first time since
the war. (Again to ELLIS) I had an awful
time when she ran a farm. Were you ever marr-
ied?
ELLIS (uncomfortably)
THOMSON:
I thought you were. Chaps have pimples when
they don't marry i I've often noticed it.
Yes, we had rats in the barn in those
everything! I'll never forget the, clank ankor
that bloody milk-pail, whidh is supposed to be
a nice rural scund. I---I'm not really a
strong man, " Ellis.
ELLIS:
What?
THOMSON (putting out his hand) Feel my handshake. How do you
ELLIS (shaking hands) How do you do?
THOMSON:
It's weak, isn't it? No grip to it. Itts
a matt ter of generation. My old dad had a grip
of iron. They oall me a rock of justice round
here. That right, Mrs Gorringe?
ELS: IE:
That's right, Brigadier:
THOMSON:
The reason is, I can always se e the cther chap's
motive. All law is motive. I learned to
stick to what people think of you. People
called 'me a rook of justice so I became one *


Take that simmons chap. He's all right.
But you couldn't depend on. him, for the truth.
ELLIS:
Really?
THOMSON:
I've been studying my wife for years. Shets
a rock of pride Can't give way, you seè.
Ever seen a man on the edge of a precipice?
If he took a step he'd fall. That 's her.
You see (leaning forward to whisper something
to ELLIS) she never..
ELLIS:
Oh, yes?
A pause during whioh the
BRIGADIER looks round guard-
edly.
THOMSON (to ELSIE). She isn't in the garden, is she?
ELSIE:
I haven't seen your wife this morning, Birgadiert
THOMSON (egain to ELLIS) You see, she doësn't like me biting
her!
MABEL (to herself)
Oh, dear!
ELLIS:
Really?
THOMSON:
That's another silly thing you did, old chap---
going in with old Simmons. He's charged your
oompany thrèe thousand for the roof but he's
ELSIE (flushed) No, he isn't!. I'm sure my George wouldn't be
a. parcel to that kinit of thing, Brigadier. My
old dad wouldn't have liked it, for one thing!
THOMSON (baffled) Oh, I see. (He is silent):
ELLIS:
Imsupposed to trust you and not the Captain, is
th'at it? At least, he hasn't sold mé a ru in!
THOMSON:
It wasn't his to sell.
ELLIS:
Well---(out of patience) I can tell you one thing,
I'm not having my mother and fa ther messed about
THOMSON (earnestly) Look; why don't you bring them down to.
Chevenh'em, too?
ELLIS:
I'll bring them down to Chevenham all right,
and stick a lump of dynamite under the rafters
and blow the whole lot up, Lady Maude and all---
then we' '11 see how she likes living withouta
The sound of a mechanical


saw in the gardén.
THOMSON makes a leap in
the air, at once agile.
THOMS'ON (his eyés popping out of his head) It's her, by
God! (AS he makes a dash for the. porch)
Good bye, all, nice to have known you!
She '11 flay me alive if she catches me heret
Hè makès - a lean leap to
the top of the pile of chairs
and promptly disappears.
The others are left staring
after him. The mechanioal
saw ceases.
ELLIS (bitterly) There's that bloody instrument again. She
woke me up with it at half past six this morn-
ing---God knows where she finds àll the dead
trees:
ELSIE:
You've only got to get to know her a bit, Mr
Ellis.
ELLIS (so preoccupied that he hardly hears her) Is that all?
I---I feel like a prisoner in my Own house.
It is my own house, I keep on having to remind
myself. I'vé bought it, I've paid good money
for it, three times the value, I fell in love
with thosé trees outside, and then-with these
old rooms 9 that wood panelling next door---!
(Exhausted) He's a nice ohap, really, thé
old Brig, isn't he? He did ain that wood,
you know, you Wouldn't datch her--
JOAN appéars in the doort
way of thè dining room.
JOAN:
Morning, all!
ELLIS makes a jump out
-of his sea t.
ELSIE: :
Morning, Mrs Thomson!'
JOAN:
My husband been here (sniffing)? I can always
smell him.
(Pleasantly Smells like a horse :
EDLIS:
Good morning (very weak voide). *
JOAN (to MABEL? taking no notice of him) You look seedy, Mrs
Forbes.
MABEL (gushing at once) It's my pain, Mrs Brigadier, right down
inside,, I'm-too soared to'go to a doctor!
JOAN (capably) Dontt"you know - that women shouldn 't suffer pains
right down inside?


ELSIE:
That's what I always tell her, Mrs Thomson!
JOAN:
I had the same myself once. : And I had the
farm to run, a herd of Jerseys, a couple of
hacks to groom. : (Sitting down) Well, Mr
Ellis, how. do we - all strike you?.
ELLIS:
Batty.
JOAN (with a slightly defensive chuckle) Really? I think
that's ra ther a compliment. Everybody's so
serious nowadays! Mind if I smoke?
ELLIS:
Not at all.
JOAN (lighting a cigarette)
I've always found the French sym-
pathet,ic e So orderly---I suppose that's be cause
I'm so me ssy myself!
ELLIS:
The roof was certainly messy. It was hanging
by a thread, in fact.
JOAN:
You aren't one of the Shropshire Ellises, are
ELLIS:
No. Your husband asked mé that.
JOAN:
You look like Nigel, that's why. One of thé
finest farmers in the land. Completely in-
efficient, of course. Produces a marvellous
crop, first-class livestock, but not the right
amount pér square aore, Which I believe "is what
counts howadays. He doesn't beliete in mach-
ines, you see.
ELLIS:
JOAN:
I do, though. (Puffing thoughtfully) I
believe in machines.
ELLIS:
I realised that.
JOAN :
Do you know, Mr Ellis (thé tone 'seems to be
getting dangerous), I think you belong more
on the Continent than here?
ELLIS:
You're dead right I do.: And I'm going back
as soon as I've had you in a court of law!
A stunned silenge.
JOAN (a glint of defensive amusement in her eyes) Do, It
won't get you very far.
ELLIS:
It's worth. trying, for three thousand quidsworth
of damages.
JOAN (shal ken)
How's the pai in, Mrs Forbes,


MABEL:
Oh, it seems be tter now!
JOAN (to ELLIS) Well, there 's nothing more to be said, then,
is there? If you're bent on being nasty,
that's that.
A contrite silence from
all parties.
ELLIS (looking down)
I've néver been to law before. I never
thought I Would.
Another silenoe.
ELSIE:
Don't let's part enemies---eh, Mrs Thoms on?
JOAN (reasonably) You see, Mr Ellis, I can't really help it if
the roof falls in. It's been there for over
four hundred years and was bound to happen some
time.
ELSIE:
And that was with two world wars, wasn't it,
Mrs Thomson?
JOAN:
That's right..
ELLIS:
But you don't séem to realise my position,
Mrs Thomson. I liked those trees outside
so muct--- (He stops)
They '1 saok me when
I put in that bill.
JOAN:
Couldn't you tell them it was an aot of God?
ELLIS:
It would have to be a preety Terocious one,
wouldn't it?
JOAN:
Not at all.
ELLIS:
But how the devil does a roof suddenly cave
in like a pack of cards, even if God wills it?
He's got to have some earthly agency.
JOAN:
The wind.
ELLIS:
There wasn't a wind. They can check up on
that.
JOAN:
A tree could have fallen on it.
ELLIS (after a pause during which he considers this) Yes, that's
not a : bad idea But they '11 want to see the
tree.
JOAN:
Oh, we can down a tree all right. My mach ine's
first-class. American job.
ELSIE:
As long as théy don't send a surveyor down, Mrs
Fhomson. He could tell.


JOAN:
Mr Ellis is the: surveyor.
ELSIE:
Oht
JOAN (to ELLIS) It just means cooking two reports instead of
one, it seems to me.
ELL IS:
Yes, I suppose it does! Well, I oan try.
There's just one other thing.
JOAN (pleasantly)
Yes?
ELLIS:
I wonder if you'd mind using your saw a bit
later in the morning?
JOAN (danger again) I beg your pardon?
ELLIS:
The saw. It make a hell of a noisé. It
doesn't seem to have a silencer on it.
JOAN:
It hasn't.
ELLIS:
Well, I think half-past six in the morning is
a bit thick.
JOAN:
You do?
ELLIS:
Yes, I do.
A silenoe.
JOAN:
Country populations are up by five or six,
you know.
ELLIS:
I'm not.
JOAN:
Then why do. you coem and live in the country?
ELLIS:
Because I want. to.
JOAN:
In that casé you must adjust yourself to its
habits!
ELLIS (angry)
What---you think you can just come round and
make my life a plague when you feel like it?
There. must be laws about such things!
JOAN:
I thought you said we were policemen, when
you first came over? You're always talking
about lawst
ELLIS (defeated) I---1.
JOAN (plunging in) I've never liked you in this.house, and
that's thatl You're not the Bype. You
don't cooperate!
ELLIS:
Cooperate?


JOAN: :
Youtve done nothing but 'complain. But you
must have known what you were buying. It's
an old house, and all this fancy wallpaper
(waving her arm) doesn't do at all.
ELLIS:
What---what the hell's is got to do with you?
I bought the house and that's that!
JOAN:
You didn't buy the garden. And you didn't buy
ust And if youndon'tt like it--
ELLIS:
JOAN: :
If it's too old and primitive for you, sell it
backi I'll pay you every penny you gave me!
ELLIS:
But I tell you, I liked those trees---I--- (He
stops again)
A pause.
JOAN (quietly) My husband always said he hated them. That's
why I kept them.
- ELLIS (in hushed desparation) It's my home, i I---I bought it.
I haven't had a restfulpday in it so far.
JOAN:
I was a fool not to take the Master's offer.
But my husband's dead set against Trade.
ELLIS (weakly)
JOAN :
I must say, I don't like your design for the
new roof, either.
ELLIS:
You weren't méant to.
JOAN:
I think you misunderstand one thing, Mr Ellis.
(sharply) It 'isn't money we fre after round
here---it's péople, and a certain type of people:
Ever since you oame there's been trouble :
ELLIS:
JOAN:
And we'd better come to some arrangement qi ick
beo ause my husband's impatiènt to get you out!
ELLIS ( struggling valiantly for words). You---you- -you can
get out! (Waving a trémbling finger towar ds
the door) : 'At once!
JOAN (standing up and'planting her feet astride)
I'll stay in
this house as long as Ilikel
ELLIS:
I'lircall the police:
JOAN:
Policeme n againt
ELLIS (dashing wildly for the finging room door)
Where's the


phone?
JOAN (shouting after him) I'll make your life hell!
I'l1
stand at the porch all dayi
ELLIS (returning abrudtly) You've made it hell already!
JOAN: :
I'm glad,
ELLIS (his fury breaking bounds) Itts always people like you!
All my mot ther and father wanted was a holiday
in the country with their only son---they haven't
seen him for over four yearst Every time I
invite them down a roof falls in or the light
goes. out 'or you work your mechanical saw :
I won't have those chairs in my porch!
JOAN:
You'll have them theré as long as I wishi -
(Suddenly bursting into tears) Get out af
my hous el You're in my garden! You're stand-
ing in my garden!
ELSIE (sorrowing) Oh, Mrs * Thomson!
JOAN:
I know you - all hate me! It wasthe same as a:
child---she hasn*t done hér duty---by the tenants,
by the farmer's boy, by the steward, by the
grooms---! (Screaming frantically) I HATE
tenants, I hate you all, I dontt want you near
me---(breaking down into tears) :
MABEL:
Oh, dear 1
A pause, in which only
JOAN'S sobs break the sil-
ence.
ELLIS (relenting)
I'm sorry.
ELSIE:
He didn't mean it, Mrs Thomson.
JOAN (soreaming egain) He DIDI - (To ELLIS)
I'll have you
out. of the house---and your mother and father--
I'll stand by the door and spit in their
fadest
ELSIE:
ELLIS:
Oh: (Wiid again) It's always péople lile
you- -taking our pleasures away---telling us
how to live---that's why I left England---
thatts why I left---you've put your dirty
mark ev erywhere- --you-- (suddenly) No wonder
your husband hatés your guts!
JOAN:
EL LIS (1n frantic bursts) My father---used to Work---all day---
bring back four pound notes---Friday night---


m--mother u--U---used to qu--queue for 8--sick
b--b--benefit---he : u--U--used to W--work on the
docks---the barges---the b-r-r-r-T-r (drlling)
th-th-through the w-water brrr-- a D-r-r-r-r
(Almost in' tears) B-D-T-r-r-r-r
Hè advanoes on JOAN with
lowered head, likea boat
through the water.
JOAN (backing away) You're mad! MADI
ELLIS:
(His knees bent as he phlunges
forward)
JOAN (suddenly) He's got my socks ont Hets got my sooks!
She dives down towards his
legs and. makes a grab at
ore of his.sodks..
ELSIE:
Oh, dear;
JOAN:
They're MINE :
ELLIS (apparently brought to his senses 'by hér hand)
Take your
aands offf
JOAN pulls.at him savegely
by the sook and begins drag-
ging him round. He hops
along helplessly after her.
MABEL:
Oh, I say!
ELLIS:
How dare you-+-!
JOAN: :
My sooksi
ELLIS :
off! You---! There! (He gives a smart
smack across the back of the hand)
JOAN (withdrawing the hand). oh! On my wédding ring! (Supp-
re ssing an immense cry of rage) Now you're for
It! Just wait and see!
She dashes out through the
dining room.
ELLIS stands panting and
dazed, staring after. her.
The women have their hands
to their mouths.
ELLIS (in a whisper) Wh---what's she going to do?
Suddenly the mechanioal saw
is heard again outside, but


much. oloser.
ELLIS:
ELSIE
(out of her wi ts) Here; she's coming in here with
that saw y Mabel---!
MABEL (with a piercing scream) Oh!
ELSIE:
She 's coming to cut. us down!
The saw draws nearér to
the house and seéms just
by the dining room door.
The two women, soream frant-
ioally and try to dlimb over
thé chairs in the porch,
unsuccessfully because in
their panic they push each
other down as fast as they
take a step up.
ELSIE:
She's coming! Mabel!
The saw beo omes deafending.
ELLIS, his eyes starting
out of his head, dashes to
the dining room door and
shans it closed, then looks
it twice. Hé stands there
panting.
MABEL:
She can cut hér way through that door!
ELSIE sereams again, in
brief, helpless. bursts,
holding her mouth.
ELLIS (shout ing) She can get thr ough those chairs, too!
But there is now a diff-
erent s cund. The saw is
getting to grips with s ome-
thing. They stop and all
go to the window slowly;
staring.
There is a wrenching sound,
like cloth tearing, and *
then a slight whistling
noise, followed by a crash.
A moment's silence.
ELLIS:
She's cutting the trees down!
A head appears above the
chairs in the porch, start-


led and pale. It is
the BRIGADIER. He crawls
into the room.
THOMSON:
The treesi
ELSIE:
Oh, Lord, I never did!
The saw deals with more
trees: a wrench, i whistle,
a crash.
THOMSON (crushed) My trees :
ELLIS (shouting above the saw)
I'll stop her---1 (About to
dash off)
THOMSON (grabbing his arm) Shey here : She '1iyou, man, if you
touch her now!
The saw goes on with 1es
work, while they all watoh
aghagt.
THOMSON (shouting, to ELLIS)
They were planted when I was a
boy!
Another tree goes, .
THOMSON:
She. was in the war, you see!
ELLIS looks at him in a
baffled way but says nothing.
Suddenly the saw gets loud-
er again.
ELSIE (soreaming)
She's coming!
MABEL:
Erig!
The two women cling to the
BRIGADIER.
ELLIS:
Go out to her; Brig!
THOMSOM (as the saw gets closer) Itts the tree by the houset
The elm! Shet s going to cut it down.
ELLIS:
ELSIE:
My Geogge's up there : GEORGE : GEORGE!
MABEL:
DAVE:
But their voices cannot
be heard above the saw.
MABEL rushes for the dining
room door but ELLIS holds


her.
The saw begins its Work
close. to the house. This
is quite a long job. Then
slowly and surely the imm-
ensé elm falls, on to the
roof, and again there is
a prolonged crash, reminisc-
ent of the oné in the third
scene. Agein there is the
slow drift of dust through
the porch.
ELS IE (whimpering in the silence) - George! My. Georget
MABEL (screaming suddenly) Dave I My DAVE!
Silence. They all stand
there listening.
GEORGE (off)
You all right down there?.
ELSIE tries to speak but
MABEL:
Davel
DAVE (off)
You all right, mum?
MABEL:
Thank Christ! Oh, thank christt
DAVE (off)
We're in the daylight againt
THOMSON (quietly)
The old trées...
The dining room door is tried.
We can see the doorknob mov-
ing.
THOMSON walks over to it
firmly, unlocks and then
opens it.,
JOAN stands there, sweating
and dishevlled.
THOMSON (leading her to a chair)
Let me get you, a drink.
JOAN . (to herself : her head. sunk)
What have I done...
The others stand staring
at her.


A garden party as in the
first scene. But there
are no trees now. A
series of arohes have been
madé with trellis-work
and faery lights, incorp-
orating the tree-stumps.
GEORGE, ELSIE, MABEL and
DAVE are helpers as before,
behind a buffet-table.
There. is music, people are
dancing beyond the arches.
The chairs from the porch
are again in evidence.
SIMMONS (off)
Anybody seen the Brig?
GEORGE (to ELSIE) You'd better hide old Thomson's whisky,
mate. The Captain's on the prowl.
The music suddenly becomes
deafening.
THOMSON (off)
Turn that bloody music downt
It is abruptly lowered
again.
ELSIE (in a low voice) Where's old Ellis, that's what beat s
MABEL:
I reckon he's-a-f
GEORGE (checking them) All right, all right! (Glancing round
furtively às hé polishes glasses) If you knowx
anything, keep quiet.
ELSIE:
It's not like the old garden parties, I don't
care what you say. Therets not the old sp irit,
is there?
MABEL (quietly)
Well, she put paid to that, didn't she? Remem-
ber how we used to complain the trees was damp?
I wouldn't mind 'em now they've gone!


GEORGE:
I can tell you one thing, it's knocked half
the value off the property.
There's no sereen
in front of that: highway now :
DAVE:
No wonder he's never been known to smile!
MABEL:
Itts a wonder she didn't murder the lot of us.
(To ELSIE) I can still hear that blasted saw,
can't you? Trying to get up on them chairs,
then old Ellis says, 'She'il cut her way' through
the door!' (To GEORGE and DAVE) Well, that
did it---old Elsie let out such a scream, and
I had ago, too, and theré was both of us st rugg-
ling with each other---! (They: all smile and
nod) We can laugh about it now but it wasn't
so funny then, was it?
ELSIE:
It put me in mind of the war 4
GEORGE:
Me, too!
ELSIE:
You know, when you read in the papers how people
was trapped. I kept thinking to myself, Who's
going to get George's dinner tonight?' I did,
honestly!
MABEL (with a furtive glancé round) She had Such a wild look .
in her eye, didn't she? I thought to myself,
*She wants us all for today's mincemeat!'
Ta lk about scream! Well,' honestly, I don't
think I've been so frightened since I was a kid
and got caught down the coal-hole!
GEORGE:
I'm glad Dave and me was S taking a smoke on the
chimney, anyhow!
ELSIE (to MABEL)
That was the first thing I said, wasn't it?
I said, Well, thank God George. and Dave are
all right! Then we sat down and had a good
ory!
GEORGE:
I'd have given her saw the trees down if I'd
been her old man!
DAVE:
He ought to have pu't his foot down twenty or
thirty years ago, if you ask me.
ELSIE:
He didn't even budge, did he, Mabel? And he
wouldn't let old Ellis go out after her.
*She '11
kill your* he said.
MABEL:
It's funny, he didn't even séem very worried,
did he?' He seemed to think, *Oh, well, if the
trees have got to come down, let remt'
ELSIE:
And then there was old Ellist - (To GEORGE and
DAVE) You'll never believe it---he was burrow-
Îng under her legs, sort of thing, drilling his
way through---! (Laughter overcoming her and
MABEL)


GEORGE (blinking, with his own: memories) ' Drilling?
ELSIE:
That's right---he was supposed to be a barge or
(More
laughter) And she got hold of his socks !
There he was drilling and kicking his legs up---
talk about scream! Well, you can see the funny
side of it afterwards, can'tt you?
MABEL:
'Give me my socks f*. she said. 'You've got my
Socks on!t Talk about scream!
ELSIE:
Do you remember that first night he came? So
shy and réspectable!-
DAVE:
I reck on he's.learned a lot since then!
ELSIE:
You're telling me i
GEORGE:
All I know is she's undone a good fortnight's
work on that roof!
MABEL:
I reckon it's not meant to stay up. Itts 'been
down twice in as many weeks!
GEORGE:
It'll stay up now, don't you Worry, I'm going
to see the Brigadier about it.:
The music is deafening
again.
THOMSON (off)
Joan! Joan! Turn that bl---f
It is lowered again;
MABEL:
Well, I can téll you one thing---I won't be
so kéen giving her a hélping hand in the
garden, not after this!
DAVE (quietly)
I reckon you will.
MABEL: :
DAVE:
I said, you will. She knows how to twine
you round her fingers.
ELSIE:
Well, she does! She makes me feel all
The CAPTAIN comes in.
SIMMONS:
Hullo, all!.
MABEL:
Evening, Captain!
SIMMONS:
Seen the Brig?
GEORGE:
Wasn't that him shouting just then?
SIMMONS (approaching the table)
I'm 'keéping an éye on Héstér


tonight. She mustn*t st oke up too fast.
(Peering at the table) Weil, Géorge, what
kave you got for me tonight?
GEORGE:
Usual, Captain?.
SIMMONS:
That's right. Put the Martini bottle under
a cloth!
a Polite Iaughter.
GEORGE (pouring)
Howts that, Captain?
SIMMONS:
Fine! (Tàking the glass) Well, folks,
I't ve been dreaming about this place for
twenty years or more and I do believe I'm
within an ace of getting it:
ELSIE:
Go on!
SIMMONS (as they look at him) Munits the word, Geogge!
MABEL:
Will Mr Ellis be leaving then?
SIMMONS (awkwar dly) : Oh, I.don't know about that! He's in
town at the moment. Board meeting. Telling
them a tree fell through his roof. Which it
did. That'll cost his insurance a pretty
penny.
GEORGE:
Oh, I'm glad he' 's insured.
SIMMONS:
He 1sn't. His firm is. Tha t tree was the
best thing that happened to the house, from
his point of view.
GEORGE:
S IMMONS (drinking) We can - build our company on that, George.
(Looking round) If samebody puts up a cry of
hare I'll throttle them! Ellis is the best
hare going!
They all glance at éach other.
The BRIGADIER domes in.
THOMSON:
Somebody call?
SIMMONS:
Come and have a drink.
THOMSON (approaching - the table) Your wifé's threatening to go
berserk again, Simmons.
SIMMONS:
She'll be all right, she's got twins inside her.
THOMSON, (baffled)
What?


GEORGE:
Drink, Brigadier?
THOMSON:
Yes, pléase, George.
SIMMONS:
I want you to come in on this deoorating lark.
THOMSON:
This what?
SIMMONS: :
With George and Dave. What I was telling you
about.
THOMSON:
I wouldn't dream of it. (To the. others) - Trifle
bare without the trees, ish't it? Still, she
can't cut 'em down, again, can she? That's one
blessing (with a conniving guffaw) :
ELS IE:
That's right, Brigadier!
SIMMONS:
My second proposition is this---you come in on
the lodge soheme as well.
THOMSON (as GEORGE hands him his drink) What are you talking
about?
SIMMONS:
The hunting lodge e
(Pointing at the house)
That ohe.
THOMS CN:
That's not. a hunting lodge.
SIMMONS:
It soon will bé.
THOMSON (glanoing at the others enquiringly)
Where is he, by
the way? Doesn't he look after his own guests?
SIMMONS:
He'll never be happy in this house, Brig. I
agree with your wife.
THOMSON:
He won't if she can help it.
SIMMONS:
Exactay. I'm. just facing facts. It'll make
a first olass hunting lodge. George and Dave
can be the caretakers.
GEORGE:
SIMMONS: :
We '11 have hunt balls, supper parties, bloody
great log-firés, a garden party once a month
in the. summer! We'll liven up this blasted.
hole if it kills us, eh, Dave? What do you
think?
DAVE (with a shrug)
THOMSON:
There's nothing I hate more than hunt balls and
supper parties.
DAVE (with a big effort) I don't think it's very nice sohemding
against Mr Ellis at his own garden party.


SIMMONS:
It isn't his garden party.
THOMS ON: :
What? Whose is it, then?
SIMMONS : :
Your wifets!:
THOMSON: :
SIMMONS:
He doesn't even know about it. He's up in
town at a board me'eting.
THOMSON:
Do you mean to say she coolly gives a party
in somebody'élse's housé?
SIMMONS:
It's her garden.
THOMSON:
Yes. Yes, I - suppose it is. But she dian't
tell me. Suppose the poor blighter comes back
dead-beat and wants an early kip-down?
SIMMONS:
There's nothing to . stop him. But she invited
him as well.
THOMSON:
Oh, she did? Well, that's civil!
SIMMONS:
And if I know anything about the Frénch, he'll
jump at the chance of some free boose.
THOMSON:
He isn't French after all. I made that mistake.
He pulled me up for calling him monsieur.
SIMMONS:
Really? - Anyhow, I reckon he'll get at least
a couple of thousand quid out of thé insurance-
I Worked it cut for him before he went up this
morning--aa and if we put that into our new compan-
y: and you fork out another thousand, together
wi th my lot, we can buy it all back from him
at - the price he paid.
THOMSON:
But thé value 'of this place has gone down enorm-
ouslys We'd bè mugs to pay the same.
SIMMONS:
That's an incentive for him. Compensation for
getting out---put it that way. Trust me, Brig,
I know my man. He won't budge otherwise.
THOMSON:
SIMMONS:
The lodge board than beoomes : the owner of the
house and the decorating firm. Anyway (downing
his drink quickly) come over end look at the
place with my idea in mind. You'll see the
point right away!
THOMSON:
But I've seen it hundreds of times. I used to
live tn it.
S IMMONS:
But you never saw it as a hunting lodge,.I bet.
THOMSON:
No, I can't say I did.


SIMMONS:
Well, here's your chance.
HOMSON:
How do we get in?:
SIMMONS:
Your wife'sigot the key.
THOMS ON:
Good-God!
SIMMONS :
She's over there now, pottering about.
THOMSON (with an astonished glance at the others) Well---!
SIMMONS:
It means we'll have to leave Hester alone for
a minute, but as long as Ellis doesn't turn
up' she's all right.
(To GEORGE, as he goes
out) You'll bé making a cool thousand,a year
on this job, George! So will Dave if he's
lucky:
THOMSON follows the CAPTAIN
out in.a mesmerised state.
DAVE:
Blmey! Did you hear that?
GEORGE:
Did he say a thousand a year?
ELSIE:
Yes!
GEORGE:: :
That 's manager's money! !
ELSIE:
But what a damned cheek, shoving a fellow out
of his own house like that!
DAVE:
She's in it, too, don't you worry.
ELSIE:
Well, she always said she wanted the Captei n in
that house ' and now--t
A crash.
The lights go out and the -
music runs down.,
GEORGE:
What's up now?
HESTER (off)
Haret HARE!.
DAVE:
Oh, blimey, there we go!
SIMMONS : (off)
Hester!
GUESTS (off)
Lights, lights I
SIMMONS (off)
It is the haret A Hark, hark back!
HESTER (off)
HARE :
THOMSON (off)
Is that my embroidery?
Another crash---probably
glasses.


The.sound of pursuit
and laughter.
SIMMONS (off)
Forwardt Hark forward! To the river!
GUESTS (off)
The river!
HESTER (off, soreaming with laughter) HARE! My da rling
hare!
THOMSON (off)
Get the lights ont She can't sée mé :
GUESTS (off)
The rivert :
The sounds begin to die
away gradually.
HESTER (off, very distant)
I've lost the scent!
Silence.
The lights stddenly go up
again and the music whines
back. An air of desert-
ion beyond the trees.
ELLIS stands in the middle
of the stage, looking shatt-
ered, trying to get his
breath.
ELSIE:
It's Mr Ellis :
GEORGE:
Hullo, Mr. Ellis! :
ELLIS:
H-h-h-h---T (He makes a pathetic gesture)
ELSIE:
It's a garden party, Mr Ellis. Didn't you
get your invitation, then?
ELLIS (shaking his head) N-n-n----!
ELSIE:
The Captain said you was invited.
GEORGE:
Shall I fix you a nice drink, Mr Ellis?
ELL IS:
GEORGE: :
There ts some of the Brigadier's three-guinea
special here!
ELLIS nods.
ELSIE:
It'sa bit of a cheek, really, isn't it,
Mr Ellis?
ELLIS sits down on one
of the chairs heavily,
gazing round him with


his mouth open, sppech-
less.
ELLIS (recollecting himself Buddenly) Cheek?
ELS: SIE:
Not telling you!
ELLIS:
He simply gazes before him.
GEORGE comes round the
table and hands him his
drink carefully.
ELLIS takes a Jong draught.
ELLIS:
ELSIE:
That's better, > eh?
ELLIS:
I fooled her that time.
ELSIE:
Who; Mr Ellis?
ELLIS:
Hestor. I héaded her off to the river.
ELSIE (comf brtably) Oh, well, thatts good!
ELLIS (suddenly looking down at the. chair he's sitting on)
How the hell did this get here?
ELSIE:
Mrs Thomson brought them out.
ELLIS::
How did she geti in?
ELSIE:
I think-s she's got a key, Mr Ellis.
ELLIS:
Oh! (Looking through the arches)
There are
lights on in the house. Is anybody there?
MABEL:
They're looking it over?
ELL IS:
Looking itaover?
DAVE:
The Captain and the Brig.
ELLIS:
Not the Brig. He's down at the river trying
to get chased.
ELS IE ::
They thought you wouldn't mind, I suppose.
ELLIS :
I'm past minding, it's true. (A pause, then
he holds his glass up to the light) It's a
marvellous thing to come home tired from the
offibe and get a first-class unblended whisky
thrust into your hand, at a garden-party you
know nothing about, in your own garden, given
by people who a week ago cut: down all your
trees, tried to take your socks off your feet
and sent an elm-tree crashing through your


roof!: If it wasn't England I'd say it. was all
a dreamt.
GEORGE (with a smile) As long as you keep your humour,: eh, Mr
Ellis?
ELLIS :
That's right! ::
MABEL::
What ab out your board meeting, Mr Ellis? - Did it
go all right?
ELLIS (after giving her a look of surprise)
I said it was an
act of God." They said It sounded more like the
act of a devili Still, the insurance-money's
the same -
The CAPTAIN dashes in..
SIMMONS :
Ah, there you, aret
ELLIS:
What's the bad news?
SIMMONS:
It's yours I'm after.
ELLIS:
We'll get about three thousand..
SIMMONS (everjoyed)
Three thousand? My God--t (sitting
down in a business-like way and drawing his
chair up to ELLIS'S) First of all, I want
to set up a board. with the Brigadier on it.
We need his name, CBE, JP, all that sort of
thing---spart from his money. The lodge
board.
ELLIS:
What lodge board?
SIMMONS:
Haven't you heard?
ELLIS:
SIMMONS:
We're turning the housé into a hunting lodge.
ELLIS:
What?
SIMMONS:
Well, come, 5 come, old chap, you said you wanted
to resell!
ELLIS :
I never. said anything of the kind!
SIMMONS:
You didn't?
ELLIS:
No, I didn'tt
SIMMONS:
Well, look, I hope you won't mind me sayirg I
this, but I wonder if you '11 ever really settle
down in this place?
ELLIS (after a paus se) I wonder that Sometimes, too.


SIMMONS:
You know what Mrs Thomsonis, like: She'li
make your life hell. That's my feeling:
ELLIS:
But she's sorry about the trees. She : asked
mé to'forgive her. She even cried.
SIMMONS:
Not for long, I bet.
ELLIS:
No, not for long.
SIMMONS:
You see, old chap, there's one basic faot:
she's always wanted me in that house. And
when she wênts something she usually gets it.
I'm only, looking at the thing realistidally.
ELLIS:
of dourse.
SIMMONS: :
She could do all sorts of things---run a water
chênnel into your"basement, out your telegraph
pole . down (that's still stand ing, after all).
Puncture the tyres of your oar. That Sort of
thing. Hear up all the bushés, cement the lawn
over and use it as a'car-park. Keep her blasted
mechanical saw going. all day. These are only
the first things that come to my mind. I'm
just spilling them out as they.occur to me.
ELLIS:
Yes,
SIMMONS:
You se e what I mean?
ELLIS:
But---what's shé got against me?
SIMMONS:
That you're not me.
ELLIS:
That's not my fault.
SIHMONS: :
Yes, but she doesn't see it like tha t.
ELLIS sits thinking it over
in a. résigned way.
ELLIS (with a quiok glance) How much would you give me for the
place?
SIMMONS:
Ah, now you're. talking! We'd give you the price
you paid.
ELLIS (astonished) You would? But half the value's been
knocked off!
SIMMONS:
That doesn 't matter. Shake on it!
(He s'eizes
ELLIS'S hand and. pumps it)
ELLIS (gazing bef ore him) Perhaps you're right. There doesn't
seem anything to st ay for...
SIMMONS (peering at him) It's a bargain?


ELLIS (after another pause, without looking at SIMMONS) All
right.
SIMMONS (rising at once with great relief) Why don't you come
and look the place over? You'll see what I
mean!
ELLIS (also rising) of course.
The CAPTAIN strides out
hurriedly and ELLIS foll-
OWS him in a thoughtful
way, without glancing at
the helpers.
A pause while they all
look round cautiously.
GEORGE: :
That wasn't very difficult, was it?
ELSIE: :
Youtre telling me : I felt.like saying some-i
DAVE:
I reckon he's better off outof it, myself.
MABEL:
It's funny, I don't think old Ellis has got the
style for this place, somehow. Do you know
what I mean? They've got him caught all the
timé. Always onè ahead!
ELSIE:
Well; when all's said and done he's no better
than. we are, is he? His father worked on the
boats same as mine. He told me so himself.
MABEL:
That's what I say.
GEORGÉ:
I reckon he thought 'he could come in here and
settle down just like that, with a bit of money
in his pocket. But he found his mistake all
right.
MABEL:
Well, I wouldn't take those péople on' in a fight,
thatis all I say!
They '11 beat you every time.
GEORGE :
It's the influende, you see. They've got it in
all sorts of ways what : we dontt unders tand.
ELSIE:
He looked real Bad, did you notice that? You
couldn't help feeling sorry for him, could you?
I mean, it vasn't his fault really!
GEORGE:
He shouldn't have cooked that report. He
started off wrong, if you ask me.
ELSIE:
He's got that cellar full of wine over there.
I wonder where he gets it all?
GEORGE:
Oh, they all, know how to fiddle abroad, don't
tou worry. It's not like in this country,
you know :


MABEL:
JOAN péeps round one of the
arches.
JOAN: :
Was Mr EJlis here?
ELSIE:
That's righty Mrs Thomson, he went to look
over his own house with the Captain!
JOAN (with a shrewd glanoe at her) Really? Well, I hope they
come to some arrangement. (Sitting down com-
fortably where ELLIS had sat) Heally, you
know, it is extra odinary how you .can look at a
place for ten or twenty years and not realise
What it's absolutely made for! Thé Mester's
quite right.
(Glancing at them) You'll.see
how it works out. That panelled dining room*s
madé for hunt suppers :
GEORGE:
Shall I get you a :drink, Mrs Thomson?
JOAN: :
The musio is deafenirg
again.
THOMSON (off)
Turn that blasted thing down!
It is lowered again.
JOAN: :
Hester must be back. I must say, if all
childless women were like her we'a be in the
soup!
The BRIGADIER c omes in.
THOMSON. (to JOAN) Ah, there you are. What's all this about
throwing the French ohap out?
JOAN:
Buying him out, you mean.
THOMSON:
We can't do that! I mean, the poor fellow
comes ovér here after four years to see his
mo ther and fathér and sniff the old English
and we.don't let him have: one fair night's
past: He told me so himself---'I haven't
had a peaceful night since I dame,' he said.
*There 's either a garden-party or no roof,
and tonight there's both!* I must say
(sitting down heavily), I do sympathise.
JOAN:
If I'd had my way the Master would have come
here in the first place. It always seemed
to me bètter than having a complete stranger.
walking round the place in stolén socks.
THOMSON:
Stolen socks?
JOAN:
Yes, he took my socks out of the attic.


DAVE (half to himself) I think itis a damned shame myself.
JOAN (quick to hear him)
What good's he done you since he
came?
DAVE:
Well, I've got a oar and a new job. I hay en't
done so bad!
JOAN:
Oh, he's been a catalyst. Hets certainly been
a oatalyst.
1HOMSON (gaping at her) À that?
DAVE:
Well, all I can--4!
More cries of HARE! HAREI,
getting closer, then roars
of laughter.
JOAN:
Hester again!
THONS ON jumps up as f shot
and runs to the arches.
The music runs down, stutt-
ers, picks up again, then
is normal, as if the chase
had started again.
THOMSON (turning to JOAN from the arches with an excited express-
ion) I didn t tell you! She chased me down
to the river! (Abruptly turning. to the ar ches
again) She's coming!
FROM HORL,
m and
He seems to lose C ontpol
and begins dashing héavily
unding
round the stage in circles,
SCOn
his knéès high and his fists
clenched like à runner.
JOAN seems to be enjoying it.
JOAN: :
Go itt
THOMSON (out of breath)
Hare! Hare!
JOAN (jumping up and looking through the arches) * Stand still,
you fool! Let her get your scént!
THOMSON (weakly) Hare! Haret
JOAN:
Cut tem down: Cut 'em down : Back, back!
The CAPTAIN dashes in and
runs straight to the arch-
es to join JOAN.
S IMMONS:
Isn't she grand? With two babies inside hèr!
Back, back"


JOAN (with a bloodourdling yell). Cut em d-a-h-n!
THOMSON, (pleadingly) She's chasing me : (Begins running round
again)
JOAN (suddenly, in a. conversational tone to the helpers) Hope
you don't mind all this? Just a game, that's
all!
ELSIE (awkwardly)
That's all right, Mrs Thomson:
SIMMONS (shouting) Hark foward, old scoutt That's it---back,
back! Forward! Now back, Ellis! Back, old
mant. Ellis, Ellis! Back!
THOMSON (stopping, stunne d) Ellis?
JOAN (to SIMMONS)
It's simply marvellous having no trees---
you get a perfeot' command of the field!
SIMMONS:
Hark back, back! Gonon, Ellis, take that
(An enormous
crash) Oh, I say!
JOAN:
Splendid! What a splendid jump!
THOMSON:
What happened?
JOAN (turning very briefly) He broke cover!
THOMSON (mumbling) Broke a lot else by the dound of itt
JOAN:
You know, I think We 've been misjudging this
fellow!
SIMMONS:
Oh, well done, Ellis! (He stops) Where are
they going?
A pause, while they watoh
closely.
JOAN: :
He's heading her off towards the house.
THOMSON (who has Joined them) He's gone ins ide.
Another pause a
JOAN:
So has she.
SIMMONS :
(Turning away sadly) I won't be a
witness...
They walk away from the
arches as if from a point
to point.
HOAN:
You know, I don't think I've ever' seen Hest er
in better form. What do you say, Charles?


THOMSON:
Oh, agree. I agree'.
JOAN:
And ' as for this French: chap, well, it showed
a new side altoge ther! (With great charm)
Don't you think so, Master?
SIMMONS preocoupied) Yes, absolutely! (To GEORGE) : Fix me
up a drink, will you, old chap?
GEORGE:
Right you are,: Captain.
ELLIS. enters, : dishevelled-
and out of breath. They
all look at him.
JOAN (walking forward in a pleasant way) Congratulations, Mr
Ellis! I thought you were perfectly splendid!
She shakes his limp ha nd.
ELLIS (trying to get his brea thito SOMMONS)
locked---looked---her in' the house.:
SIMMONS: :
What?
(Coming up to him) Hester?
ELLIS:
Yes -
SIMMONS:
But, Ellis, didn't you----?
ELLIS (impat iently) Yes, yes, yes. It s triplets!
SIMMONS:
Thank God!
THOMSON:
Get Mr Eilis a drink, George! My spedial!
(With great paternal dharm) Now wJ hy don't we
all sit down?.
He gets a chair for ELLIS
and puts a S oothing ha nd
on his shoulder.
They all sit down.
JOAN:
Well, how did the negotiations go, Master?
SIMMONS (brightly)
Very well! Mr Ellis agrees to sell!
THOMSON takesthe glass of
whisky from GEORGE to
ELLIS.
THOMSON:
There. It'll do you good.
ELLIS:
Thank you.
THOMS ON:
Do they play rugger in your part of Franc e?
ELLIS:
I don't know.
THOMSON (to himself)
Socoer, perhaps -


ELLIS (also to himself) I'll go toa foreign c ountry where
they think I'm English.
SIMMONS (to ELLIS) I mist sày, I've. rever seèn anybody head
her 'off like you!
ELLIS:
Really?'
THOMS ON (sitting down as if at a meeting) I think the lodge
sol heme is quite Sound, but I've got a suggestion
to make. I think Mr Ellis may not altogether
want to forget ab out us in the future, and if
evér he likes to come back and spend a .few days
with us, for old times' sake, I think there'li
be a room in the lodge for him, won't there?
JOAN:
Oh, yes!
SIMMONS:
Here, here!
JOAN (also at a meeting)
I think it. might be a good tdea to
keep two or three-rooms for guests permanently.
THOMSON:
Quite!
JOAN : :
Now is there anything more Ahile we're about it,
Master? Itts your brain-child, after all!
SIMMONS:
Well, I worked it out yesterday and I reckon
five or ten guineae a year should bé about the
subscripti ion, I favour ten---I mean, you expect
to pay at-least that for the facilities of a
club-house, don't you?
THOMSON:
SIMMONS:
I'd liké to say on behalf of the board that we
apprec iate Mr Ellists offer-a-
THOMSON:
Here, heret
SIMMONS:
--and hope he '11 remain with us as' one of the
directors.
ELLIS:
Thank you. Thank you very muc h.
JOAN
ELLIS (jumping up in a final way, and smiling at ELLIS) What
a relief! I hate these formal 00 casions, don't
you?
ELLIS (dazed)
Yes.
They all get up and stroll
to the bar.
THOMSON - (conversationally) Going to be hard going this winter,
Master? I heard so.
SIMMONS:
Yes,I think it will (nodding judiciously).


JOAN (confidentially)
I didn't really mind about. the
socks, you know. I'm only. glad you
thought.they. were worth wearing a
ELLIS (still: dàzed) Oh, thank you!
ELSIE:
Well, Mr Ellis, I expéct you're feeling a bit.
thred, eh?
ELLIS:
Oh, well!' (Looking round) You know, in a
way I feel I belong here now e We 've---We've
had some exciting times, haven't we, really?
ELSIE:
Oh, yes!
GEORGE:
I don't know what Elsie and Mabel think about
1t, but as far as I'm concerned we're goirg to
miss you! But I expect you'll be glad to get
badk; eh? :
ELLIS (used to being baffled by now) Oh, yes!
GEORGE:
It's sunnier over there, by all aocounts!
ELSIE:
It'sa pity your mother and father didn't get
down, isn't it, Mr Ellis?
ELLIS:
Oh, well, I'll give them a good treat in town
instead.
GEORGE:
That's right. I think they're doing a French
show up theré now, aren't they, Dave?
DAVE shrugs gloomily.
ELLIS:
Itis so peaceful now - Sometimes I think I
A slight orash from the
direction of the house.
They all turn.
SIMMONS: X
What's that?
A pause While they listen.
The BRIGADIER goes to the
arches and peers through.
THOMSON: :
It's your wife, Simmons 1 She's on the roof!
ELLIS:
There isn't one,
SIMMONS (striding forwerd) My wife?
(To: ELLIS) I wondere d
if it was wise locking her-
THOMS CN:
Ssssh!
Shets calling!
They listen aga in. We
hear HESTER (off) : Jack!
Jaok!


SIMMONS:
She's calling 'me :
JOAN :
She won't jump, will she?
They all gaze through the
arches..
THOMSON:
Good God! She's got half the guests up theret
No wonder it was so quiet.
ELLIS:
Where?
JOAN (helpfully)
Look, silhouetted against the sky.
ELLIS:
Ah, yes! :
SIMMONS:
We'll have to get her down!. Come on!
Laughter and a light sigh-
ing noise in the distance.
HESTER (off)
It's'a sputnik!
S IMMONS :
A sputnik, she says?
JOAN :
Come .on; chaps, this might be funt
Shouts of 'Lights 'out!
Lights outi
JOAN (going)
Get - the lights out, Charles!
THOMSON (striding off) Right! - (Calling back) Bring some
bottles up, will you, George? We '11 have a
party! : (Guffawing)
SIMMONS (leaving) : It's only her condition worries me :
GEORGE:
Bottles?
More sounds of e xcitement.
Then the lights go out.
GUEST (off)
Look, it's redt
Another sighing noise.
GEORGE (laughing) Now, then, whots digging me in the ribs?
S IMMONS (off)
Hester! We're on the way up! Don't move -
about too mucht N
THOMSON (off)
Beorge! (An enormous bellow) GEORGE : You
coming with that boose?
GEORGE (softly) If I find it, mate. Here, Elsie, catoh that.
Mabel?
MABEL:
Here a am. Whoops !


EISIE:
Talk about laugh?
GEORGE:
Hang on to me :
MABEL:
You ooming, Dave?
They séém to go, with much
clinking of bottles.
Their voioes die away in
the darkness. There is a
long silénce.
DAVE (from the darkness) I reckon they want something to get
exoitedi about, don't you?
ELLIS: :
That's right.
DAVE:
Like another drink, Mr Ellis?
ELLIS:
call me Joe. That's my name :
DAVE (embarrassed)
Thanks - Got your glass there?
ELLIS:
Here.
The clink of a glass
against a bottle.
DAVE:
That's the three-guinea special.
ELLIS:
Got one for yourself?
DAVE:
Yes. Cheers.
ELLIS:
Chin-chin.
We hear them drink and
smack their lips.
DA VE: :
It don't seem to taste in the dark, do it?,
ELLIS:
A pause
DAVE:
You going back to. the old job, then?
ELLIS:
job this morning.
Iost-my
DAVE:
ELLIS:
I lost : it.
DAVE:
Blimey o' Riley! What are you going to do 9
then?
ELLIS:
Well, I'm still a partner on this lodge bca rd,
believe 1t or not! €


DAVE (quickly)
Don't tell thém you've lost it!
ELLIS:
I won't.. - I couldn't find her face any more.
Not after she cut those trees down.
DAVE (baffled) Her face? I kept on waking up at night and
thinking, what country am I in?
ELLIS:
DAVE:
I'd go abroad myself, only this coughing d
mine starts.
ELLIS:
Coughing?
DAVE:
It's like a cough inside.
Another cry of 'Sputnik!'
in the distande.
GUESTS (off)
Sputnik!
ELL IS:
She used to.put her' arm round his neck---I used
to stand there trembling--
Oh, well: (As
if speaking to someone) Francine? Francine?
They've cut my oountry down.
DAVE:
Here : Look!
It's the sputnik! Look!
ELLIS (beginning to sob) Francine - a
- U R T A I N


BLA
due?
THE MECHANICAL SAW
A Play in Three Acts
Maurice Rowdon


CHARACTERS
Captain JACK SIMMONS
ELLIS (the Guest)
Brigadier CHARLES THOMSON
JOAN THOMSON (his wife)
The Helpers At The Garden Party:
GEORGE GORRINGE
ELSIE GORRINGE (his wife)
MABEL FORBES
DAVE FORBES (her son)


ACT ONE
Scene One
A garden-party in the evening. Behind
the trees a small country house is visible.
This side of the trees there is a long
table. with glasses and buffet supper. A
group of helpers polishes glasses, mixes
drinks: GEORGE and ELSIE GORRINGE,
MABEL and DAVE FORBES.
There is dance music from a gramophone.
We see some couples dancing beyond the
trees, under fairy lights.
CAPTAIN JACK SIMMONS is talking to
another GUEST. The CAPTAIN is lean
and full of beef. The GUEST is a young
man with nothing military about him.
SIMMONS:
(in a loud voice, glass in hand) My wife's tragedy is
this
she's never been able to have a kid. We've
tried but ---:
GUEST:
(sipping his drink) Is it too late ?
(The music is suddenly switched up to
top volume and we hear BRIGADIER
THOMSON, off, shout 'Thrn that bloody
thing down! I , and abruptly it is
lowered)
SIMMONS:
GUEST:
(swallowing and shouting hard) Is it too late?
(BRIGADIER THOMSON enters and
strides across the lawn. He is a
massive, flushed bulldog of a man)
THOMSON:
(to the helpers) Just got the gramophone fixed up!
GEORGE:
(with respectful nervousness) Going to dance,
Brigadier?
THOMSON:
(going out again) Hate it!


SIMMONS:
She's over forty. She admits to forty! (with a
guffaw)
GUEST:
(guffawing nervously) Oh, yes!
SIMMONS:
We've been trying for fifteen years or more. I
thought of sending her - --! (lost)
GUEST:
What?
SIMMONS:
Another man!
GUEST:
(staring at him) Another man?
SIMMONS:
(angrily) Well, by Christ, if you want a kid you have
to face facts - but she's too bloody respectable by
half!-- (red in the face) She acts hearty, she rides
to hounds and makes a bloody nuisance of herself
hanging round the whips, but she's a po-faced bitch
underneath!
GUEST:
(gingerly) Isee!
SIMMONS:
(looking round at the helpers, in a lower voice) I
say, do you think they heard?
GUEST:
I shouldn't be surprised.
SIMMONS:
(peering at him) Who are you?
(The lights come back on. The music
whines back)
My name's Ellis. How do you do?
SIMMONS:
(shaking his hand in an absent way) How do you do?
The best time I ever had was in the war. I---!
Why am I being honest with you?
GUEST:
I don't know.
SIMMONS:
I sold stolen sugar in Austria. Ran a paper mill
for a chap in England when I shouldn't have. Little
things. When they demobbed me I was rich.
GUEST:
Really?


SIMMONS:
I was a captain. Major, really. M.C. Got it by
shooting my mouth off at the right time. Insurance-
agent before the war, so I know how to do it. I
think I'm impotent.
GUEST:
What?
SIMMONS:
I've got no class, that's my trouble. Know who I
am round here?
GUEST:
SIMMONS:
The M.F.H.
GUEST:
The what?
SIMMONS:
GUEST:
What's that?
SIMMONS:
Are you English?
(The gramophone blares again and once
more BRIGADIER THOMSON shouts, off,
'Turn that bloody thing down' f
Music subsides again)
GUEST:
Yes.
SIMMONS:
What?
GUEST:
You asked if I was English.
SIMMONS:
Did I?
GUEST:
Yes.
SIMMONS:
You know, if I had a son, a little chap with blond
hair, I'd be a king --!
ELLIS:
What's the M.F.H.? Something in business?
SIMMONS:
Master of the foxhounds! Why don't you join us ?
ELLIS:
Ican't ride!
SIMMONS:
You can drive a car,. though?


ELLIS:
Oh, yes!
SIMMONS:
(guffawing) I thought you must be good for something!
Have another drink!
ELLIS:
Yes, let's!
(They walk over to the buffet)
Evening, Captain!
SIMMONS:
Hullo, Mrs. Gorringe! How's your husband?
ELSIE:
He's bending down!
(GEORGE appears from under the
table)
GEORGE:
Hullo, Captain.
SIMMONS:
What about the deal, George?
GEORGE:
No, Icouldn't. I've been thinking it over - but
well, the railway's secure!
SIMMONS:
Like hell it is! Secure for early death by boredom!
ELSIE:
That's what I tell him. He needs adventure.
GEORGE:
I need money.
SIMMONS:
Money comes by graft, risk, fiddle, sleight-of-hand.
MABEL:
Drink, Captain?
SIMMONS:
Please, Mrs. Forbes. Gin with a closed bottle of
Martini half a yard away!
(They laugh politely)
MABEL:
(to ELLIS) What about you?
ELLIS:
Yes, please. Whisky.
MABEL:
Neat?
ELLIS:
With a shot of soda, please.


(The music bursts into a deafening roar
again, and at once, as THOMSON's voice
begins 'Turn that bl--! I , it subsides
again)
SIMMONS:
(sipping his gin thirstily and looking round) What
the devil goes on?
MABEL:
It's the Brigadier's wife, she likes to manage the
mechanical side.
ELSIE:
She's always got her head stuck in a machine, like
a man.
SIMMONS:
She's wonderful on the hunting field, I'll say that!
Mouth's too big, that's the trouble!
(They laugh politely)
Wife said to her one day, 'Your husband may be a
brigadier but I believe that doesn't give you the
right to hand out orders to the Master! 1: She's
respected Hester ever since. (to GEORGE) You
know, George, my wife's tragedy is +--!
GEORGE:
(at once) Like some Martini in it, Captain?
SIMMONS:
(blinking) What was I saying?
ELSIE:
(to ELLIS) Are you new here, Mr
ELLIS:
Ellis. That's right. Icame yesterday.
MABEL:
(to ELLIS) Are you American?
ELLIS:
Me? No. What made you think so?
MABEL:
Iwas trying to place you. You don't look foreign
yet you do. Just like Americans!
ELLIS:
(to SIMMONS).) Why don't you adopt one ?
SIMMONS:
(screwing up his face) One what?
ELLIS:
A child. Weren't you saying
SIMMONS:
Christ! I've got enough to do with the hunt. You'll
not believe me but it costs the best part of two .
thousand a year.


ELLIS:
Really?
SIMMONS:
I've got a little contractor's office in the City
my employees wonder why we don't expand -
could tell them!
ELLIS:
Do you catch any foxes ?
SIMMONS:
(turning sharply to GEORGE) What?
GEORGE:
He says do you catch any foxes?
SIMMONS:
Oh! (uncomfortably) Fifty brace a year, say!
ELLIS:
Fifty brace?
MABEL:
That's right, they always measure them in braces!
(They all laugh, with the exception
of SIMMONS)
GEORGE:
(to ELLIS) A hundred, it means.
ELLIS:
As many as a hundred?
SIMMONS:
(waving his arms about) Well, it's a difficult sport
in this part of the world - - too many roads --:
MABEL:
My boy says he reckons you don't catch anything:
DAVE:
(to MABEL) All right, all right!
SIMMONS:
(with a nervous glance at DAVE) Your boy don't
use his eyes!
MABEL:
(to annoy DAVE, with a wink at ELSIE) My boy
reckons he shoots more than you catch, and all
you do is drive 'em on to our chickens!
GEORGE:
Sssh:
SIMMONS:
The ground's damned difficult, Mrs. Forbes, it's
a built-up area, the old rural England's dead,
there was a day when you could hunt at East Ham,
believe it or not!
MABEL:
(tickled) Now don't come to me with your old
excuses!


GEORGE:
(to MABEL, with a smile) You've been at the gin,
haven't you, mate?
MABEL:
(burlesque) Listen to that! You know I don't touch
the stuff!
(A crash, off. The music stops.
Pandemonium behind the: trees)
SIMMONS:
(dashing off) That's Hester! She always gets drunk
about this time!
ELSIE:
(quietly, as they watch SIMMONS disappear) You're
telling me! She shows it in her face, too. (to
ELLIS) Ever seen her, Mr. Ellis?
ELLIS:
ELSIE:
She's got one of those flushed complexions, if you
know what I mean.
ELLIS:
Oh, yes!
GEORGE:
I don't suppose this gentleman wants to hear all our
local gossip.
MABEL:
Don't you be so sure, mate! (with a wink) Eh,
Mr. Ellis?
ELLIS:
(with a smile) I like a bit of gossip.
MABEL:
Of course, you do! It's natural! (to ELSIE) I
liked it. when he. said two: thousand:a year, didn't.
you? I thought I wouldn't mind a lick off that.
Where the devil does he get it?
DAVE:
Well, they say money breeds money, don't they?
ELSIE:
All thrown down the drain on a lot of blasted foxes!
MABEL:
Fifty brace a year, I don't think! I reckon all they
want is a nice ride on Saturdays!
DAVE:
(to ELLIS) You been away long, Mr. Ellis?
ELLIS:
A few years, yes.
DAVE:
(pleasantly) Miss the old country?


ELLIS:
A bit.
DAVE:
I wouldn't mind getting away for good!
(A shout from behind the trees: 'You'd
better take her home, Captain! I
CAPTAIN SIMMONS dashes in again)
SIMMONS:
(to ELLIS) Well, good night, old chap! (they
shake hands) I enjoyed our frank discussion!
ELLIS:
Is your wife all right?
SIMMONS:
Oh, yes! She started a beagle hunt
the usual
thing!: Tripped over the wires! She chases hares.
ELLIS:
Hares ?
SIMMONS:
Well, good night, Mrs. Gorringe! George and
Dave, Mrs. Forbes - you did very nicely, thank
you!
(They all say good night and
CAPTAIN SIMMONS hurries off again)
GEORGE:
(to ELLIS) The Brigadier's an interesting man,
too. He's been called a rock of justice, and I
don't think it's far from the truth, neither. He
sits on the local Sessions. (to MABEL) Do
you know, he did all that wood panelling in the
house over there?
MABEL:
Did he really?


ELSIE:
It's more than she'd do---she don't even feed the poor
devil!
GEORGE:
Still, she's a good worker. I'd like to see anybody else
run a farm like she did single-handed. (again to
ELLIS) The Brigadier does embroideries, too.
You've never seen anything like 'em! They take any-
thing up to three years sometimes. I reckon every
stick of furniture in that house is covered with his
work.
MABEL:
(to ELLIS) It's funny for a man, isn't it?
ELLIS:
Yes.
ELSIE:
What parts do you live in, Mr. Ellis---very far away?
ELLIS:
South. of France. Where the sun shines.
MABEL:
It's lucky we didn't get a downpour tonight. The fore-
cast said storms, (with another wink at ELLIS) so I
thought we'd get it nice!
GEORGE:
It's on the way, don't you worry. It isn't often them
boys are wrong.
DAVE:
I heard a rumble as I came over.
MABEL:
It was your stomach, mate!
ELSIE:
(laughing) Here---do you remember that storm just
before the war, Mabel?
GEORGE:
Blimey, you're going back, aren't you ?
MABEL:
(to GEORGE) You was underground, mate, so it didn't
bother you.
ELSIE:
(to ELLIS) He was in the mines.
GEORGE:
(also to ELLIS) I'm not sorry I gave up that lark.
Still, I don't see as it's much better on the railways.
DAVE:
It's.clean, for a start.
GEORGE:
I don't see it's so clean! I shifted a cartload of
coaldust this morning and didn't notice it, anyhow!
ELSIE:
Well, you got your offer, didn't you, mate? To my
mind, you looked a gift-horse in the mouth.


GEORGE:
(shouting) I'm not walking into anything blindfold and
that's a cert!
MABEL:
(to ELLIS) My Dave mixes paints all day. I'm sure
it's not doing him any good!
DAVE:
(discouraging her) All right, all right!
MABEL:
I heard it gets in their lungs and---!
(JOAN THOMSON, the BRIGADIER's
wife, enters. A quick, anxious-looking,
sporty woman in her fifties. Perceptive,
alert eyes)
JOAN:
Hullo, all! Lots left over for Sunday din, Mrs. Gorringe?
ELSIE:
That's right, Mrs. Thomson!
JOAN:
(with a chuckle) I'll have the old chap eating sandwiches
for a fortnight! (they all smile politely) Well,
Mr. Ellis, what about seeing the house?
ELLIS:
Love to.
JOAN:
I expect you want to.get'away?
ELLIS:
ELSIE:
He's been having a natter with. us, Mrs. Thomson, you
know what I--
JOAN:
(cutting her short) Well, let me lead the way. I'm
afraid it's in a bit of a mess!
(She leads ELLIS out. ELSIE stands there
looking abashed and mortified)
ELSIE:
Well, I never! She makes you feel that big, don't she?
(in the direction of the house) You old cow, you---for
two pins I'd give you a piece of my mind!
GEORGE:
I told you before, you've got to watch your step with
them people! She's not one of us, you know.
(The BRIGADIER comes in. They brighten)
THOMSON:
You can clear up now! No more-music-- thank God!
Where's Ellis?


ELSIE:
Who?
THOMSON:
The foreigh chap.
ELSIE:
Oh, your wife took him in to see the house, Brigadier!
THOMSON:
I see! Well, we can clear up! I never get any enjoy-
ment out of these things. . - (gazing round)
GEORGE:
Never mind, Brigadier. Have a drop of whisky.
THOMSON:
(turning to him slowly with a slight smile) That's the
nicest thing's been said to me this evening!
(GEORGE pours him a stiff glass)
GEORGE:
There!
THOMSON:
(taking it and sniffing it) That's my Isla Mist, if I'm
not mistaken!
GEORGE:
I kept your bottle aside.
THOMSON:
Didn't the Captain smell it?
ELSIE:
He sniffed round a bit but we waved some gin under his
nose!
THOMSON:
Well, here's to your health, good people---(stopping)
but I'll not drink alone!
ELSIE:
Oh, well, then! (as they all take up their glasses)
(They all drink, with 'Good health! f ,
'Here's health! ')
THOMSON:
Look at those trees---! (they follow his gaze) When
you die you're like that, just the same. (silence)
There's no point jumping and shouting and switching
that blasted music on, you've got to come to it in the
end. Ah, well! (he drinks off his glass with a gulp
and raps it back on the table) Better take all this stuff
to the barn, George---it'll rain tonight!
GEORGE:
Right you are, Brigadier.
THOMSON:
(peering through the trees at the guests) I suppose
they'll go home some time. They only come for the
boose. Good night, all!


ELSIE:
Good night, Brigadier!
(He stalks off. They gaze after him)
MABEL:
I've never seen that man really smile. He laughs, but
he don't smile.
GEORGE:
He's got nothing to smile about.
ELSIE:
If they were all like him, it wouldn't be so bad.
(They assemble the cartons of food and the
crates)
MABEL:
It makes me smile---she wouldn't dream of giving us a
penny for this work, would she?
DAVE:
Oh well, we get a few drinks.
MABEL:
No, but we are piecans, aren't we? She's only got to
say a word and we go all soft inside! I do, at any rate!
I don't think I could give her a no if she asked me to put :
my hand in boiling water.
ELSIE:
It's the voice, Mabel. They're brought up to it, you see.
GEORGE:
She's not a bad old stick.
ELSIE:
(to MABEL) Remember that time she gave me five
shillings for washing out nine pairs of sheets? Never
again, Elsie Gorringe, I said!
(They collapse the table. The fairy-lights
go out behind the trees)
GEORGE:
(to DAVE) Fifty brace of fox! He must think we're
mugs!
DAVE:
They say he's a proper martinet on the back of a horse.
Cusses and blinds!
GEORGE:
I reckon that's why they do it---to work off their
poisons.
MABEL:
It makes me laugh, all this 'captain' and 'brigadier'
lark. Anybody'd think there was a war on!
DAVE:
Oh, they love their names!
GEORGE:
I'll call myself lance-corporal:


ELSIE:
(laughing, to MABEL) It took him five years in the
cook-house to get a stripe!
MABEL:
(to GEORGE) I heard you was mentioned in despatches
for your mashed potatoes, mate?
(ELSIE looks round to see if anybody is
looking, then speaks in a lower voice)
ELSIE:
Who is that young feller?
MABEL:
I reckon they're selling the house!
ELSIE:
Go on!
GEORGE:
(to DAVE, with a smile) There they go!
MABEL:
She said she'd never let it be sold, not over her dead
body! That was a month ago.
ELSIE:
I reckon;he. put his foot down,
MABEL:
I wouldn't live over there, I can tell you that much!
GEORGE:
(to DAVE) Last time I looked at the stairs there was
dry rot all the way up. That was two years ago, so
God alone knows what it's like now! The roof'd fall in
if you breathed too hard!
ELSIE:
(to MABEL) She says to me once, she says, Mrs.
Gorringe, the best dinner for me is a nice piece of
fish and six pennorth of chips, in a newspaper! I---!
(CAPTAIN SIMMONS enters again)
SIMMONS:
Seen the Brigadier?
ELSIE:
Yes, he just went over to the house, Captain.
SIMMONS:
I hear they're selling it! Know anything about it,
George?
GEORGE:
(turning away) Not me.
(DAVE shoulders some cartons
and trudges off)
SIMMONS:
(calling after him) Tell the Brig I'd- like a word
with him, Dave!


DAVE:
SIMMONS:
Got another drink?
GEORGE:
Well, we've packed up really, Captain.
SIMMONS:
Come on, you artful old bugger, there's some
whisky under there - I can see it! (bending down
to one of the crates). God above, Isla Mist!
GEORGE:
(with a smile) It's the Brigadier's private bottle.
SIMMONS:
Well, just milk a little off for me. (as GEORGE
pours a glass) Now, what about it - is he selling
or not?
GEORGE:
I told you, I don't know.
SIMMONS:
What about that foreign chap?
GEORGE:
Only a mug'd buy that place, Captain.
SIMMONS:
What? I could turn it into a palace. You're like
all the other Englishmen nowadays
no bloody
initiative!
GEORGE:
All I say is you wouldn't get your value.
SIMMONS:
I'd make the value! It's a business man's dream,
that bloody house. Three hundred yards from one
of the biggest highways in England, with a screen
of poplars in front!
MABEL:
It gives me the jitters. I only have to set foot
inside that door and I come over liquid!
SIMMONS:
It's got style - the past ---: It's a house to sit
and dream in. (his eyes gleaming) That's why
they won't let me buy it. Because I'd love it:
(The BRIGADIER's voice:
'Somebody want me?'
He appears)
THOMSON:
Oh, hullo, Jack! (evasively) Young Forbes
said I was wanted.
SIMMONS:
That's right. I've just been having some of your
best unblended.


THOMSON:
(irritated) Oh, that's the style. (with a glance at
the others, who promptly go on with their work)
(He and CAPTAIN SIMMONS withdraw
from the others a little, and
BRIGADIER THOMSON puts his hand
on the other's shoulder in a gingerly
way)
What's it about?
SIMMONS:
(pointing at the house) That.
THOMSON:
(after a pause) What?
SIMMONS:
You didn't invite me to make a bid, did you?
THOMSON:
Well, it's
(hesitating) This fellow needed a i
house pretty quick, you see. Friend of mine in the
City more or less talked me into it.
SIMMONS:
(cynically) Oh, yes ?
THOMSON:
If he don't meet the price I'll let you know .
SIMMONS:
Thanks!
(An awkward pause.
The helpers begin taking out the crates,
cartons etc.
The BRIGADIER and the CAPTAIN wait
until they're alone)
(with a fixed expression) You haven't paid your
huht subscription.
THOMSON:
(his head ducked) Oh, really?
SIMMONS:
Yes, really. I could sit and dream in that house.
That's one thing I learned about the English early
in life. They don't help your dreams.
THOMSON:
Come, you're English, aren't you?
SIMMONS:
(agressively) Well, I've never been outside
except to kill Germans!


THOMSON:
(parrying) Really?
SIMMONS:
It's more than you did! You were warming your
arse in Malta, I believe?
THOMSON:
(abashed) I -
SIMMONS:
(looking across at the house again) We could have
our hunt meetings over there. Instead of in' the
butcher's!
THOMSON:
(his anger up) Ican't see what's wrong with a
butcher!
SIMMONS:
(glaring at the house again) She might have had a
baby over there!
THOMSON:
What?
SIMMONS:
You never know
the right atmosphere!
THOMSON:
You fool! She's fifty years of age!
SIMMONS:
It's happened before!
THOMSON:
It's never happened!
(Silence. Anger brooding like a
wolcano)
SIMMONS:
(in an outburst) You never wanted me in that hunt!
THOMSON;
I like your damned cheek - -:
SIMMONS:
The two thousand quid comes out of my pocket, for
all your bloody class! You're living on me when
you hunt on Saturdays!
THOMSON:
(flushed) Istarted in the family business, my
war record's clear! My name was bandied about
for Lord Sheriff of the County, I commanded a
battalion in Malta for nearly two years
I got the
(They shout ina blacki blind, rhythmic
way, as if not really speaking from
their own thoughts)


SIMMONS:
Shut up! I've sat on thirteen boards and God knows
how many tribunals! I dine at White's now and then,
I'm a member of Savage's, Carlton's, the Traveller's!
I was in the T.A. before the. war and went in the
Buffs as a major -: I fought with my own hands,
the soldiers under me loved the ground I walked on,
It's just that the wife can't have any kids -
THOMSON:
(turning on him suddenly) That's always the trouble
with mixing classes! You're not by any means a
natural M.F.H.:
SIMMONS:
(almost in tears) I'm the only one with money!
THOMSON:
Tweed could have filled the job, or Denham, Crew,
young Viscount Wallmaster
but they've all been
eaten away by death duties I
SIMMONS:
Like you, I suppose!
THOMSON:
My wife, not me! Mine's a trading family and I
don't mind who knows it! In the war I was called
to Corps Headquarters frequently to clear up
points of supply
I sat on the officer selection
SIMMONS:
I built up my business from scratch - I've earned
my way to where I am now in the mess they used
to get up when I came in - - I wasn't substantivé
major but that was my name
Major Simmons
the CHQ commended me for getting 'B' Echelon up
two hours after consolidating my chaps on a hilly
position
point 287
a machine gun nest - I
ran up screaming!
THOMSON:
Two of my boards were banks, man! I've got five
horses in my stables, I buy a new car every year,
my brother-in-law's in the House of Commons, his
wife has a title, they own some railways in South
Africa'
SIMMONS:
My wife has distant relatives who -:
THOMSON:
Ii inherited an estate in Scotland! I lunched the other
day with a QC whose father was Speaker once and
we talked about costly clarets for nearly two hours
Lord Bligh came in
he's on our board
and
we found we knew each other as kids!


SIMMONS:
In the mess I used to lose my temper and make young
subalterns feel a fool
the Adjutant always came
to my bivvy for a drink
I made a standing order
that nobody lower than a captàin should talk at our
table unless addressed - I had two secretaries
before the war
I used to run a car in the days
when that was something! We took a holiday on the
Riviera in 1937 - -:
THOMSON:
We go every year to France! We know the hotels
like the back of our hands! We drive through the
Loire and sometimes the Rhone. We go to the
Bahamas, stay at a close friend's house --: I---
(running out of ideas) I - I never voted Labour
in the post-war election!
SIMMONS:
Nor did I: remembering with a shock). Yes, I did!
(They are out of ideas, out of breath,
out of voice)
THOMSON:
My father was a friend of old Lord Grey's and met
Baldwin twice! In the crisis at the Fort he lunched
with Edward the King
I can't stand royalty
myself, it's the Bosch in them, I suppose, but by
God I'd fight - -:
(There is silence. They stare before
them, panting. The recital is over)
(taking out his leather cigarette case) Have a
cigarette.
SIMMONS:
Thanks.
THOMSON:
(showing him the case) Florence. Nice, isn't it?
SIMMONS:
(smelling it) I love the smell of leather. My wife
walked in with a leather coat on the other day.
(helping BRIGADIER THOMSON to a light) My
bank manager gave me the shock of my life when
he showed me the bill.
THOMSON:
That's one good thing
my wife doesn't spend
much on clothes. She's an untidy bitch, as you may
have remarked.


SIMMONS:
(confidentially) Oh, while I'm on it - you might
tell her to keep a check on her language.when we're
out ---! It's not swear words.I mean -1 it's:the
tone. The other women feel she's a bit upstage.
THOMSON:
(reasonably) My wife has to be understood, that's
all.
SIMMONS:
Oh, I realise that. But I thought I'd just tell you.
THOMSON:
Oh, yes.
SIMMONS:
(glancing at him doubtfully) I'm sure she doesn't
mean to be highhanded!
THOMSON:
(also doubtfully) Oh, no!
SIMMONS:
(holding out his hand) Well, it's been a nice evening,
Brigadier. Hester's drunk in the car.
THOMSON:
(chuckling) Just like her family.
SIMMONS:
She says she'd like to pass -out completely one day
to the valley of no return!
THOMSON:
That's the trouble with women. Too imaginative.
Ialways describe imagination as 'overheads we
can ill afford'.
SIMMONS:
Did you ever try with the wife?
(A pause)
THOMSON:
What?
SIMMONS:
Did you try - hard?
THOMSON:
In what way?
SIMMONS:
(confidentially) She started telling me I didn't -
pull my weight properly!
THOMSON:
(frightened) Oh, yes!
SIMMONS:
Did you?
THOMSON:
Did I what? (backing up)
SIMMONS:
Pull yours ?


THOMSON:
Good God! (he begins to chuckle) You
SIMMONS:
(screwing up his eyes) What's that?
THOMSON:
(almost to himself) You dirty old e
SIMMONS:
But tell me - -?
THOMSON:
(confidentially) She hates it: (daring his teeth)
I'd like to BITE her! (biting the air)
SIMMONS:
In life (quietly)
and my wife agrees
there
are two basic and what we call royal kinds of riding.
One on a horse and one -
THOMSON:
(glancing round carefully) How often do you ride?
SIMMONS:
(also glancing round) three times a week
over very rough country!
(They both roar with laughter)
THOMSON:
Not a bad average!
SIMMONS:
By no means!
THOMSON:
(about to leave) Well, goodbye, old chap! Drop in
and have a drink some time.
SIMMONS:
(shaking hands) I will!
THOMSON:
(to himself, chuckling as he walks off) Over
very rough country! Joan! Must tell 'er that!
(calling) Joan!
(They disappear in opposite
directions)


ACT ONE
Scene Two
Inside the house there is a roughly
covered setteerandrandian:armchair with:
odd broken chairs and tables.
On the left, a: porch leads into the garden;
on the right a door leads into the dining
room.
JOAN THOMSON is sitting on a table,
smoking. Her skirt is hitched up as if
only breeches made her feel comfortable.
JOAN:
That you, Charles?
THOMSON:
(entering) Has he gone?
JOAN:
Yes. He seemed to like it.
THOMSON:
I don't like him. I've got a feeling he won' 't be reliable -
the cheque'll bounce or something.
(He potters about in a drawer while he
talks)
JOAN:
What are you looking for?
THOMSON:
(with a startled expression) My CBE ribbon. That
blighter, Simmons, didn 't believe me!
JOAN:
You are a goof sometimes, old boy.
THOMSON:
(straightening up) Sometimes I forget I ever had the
CBE---it suddenly comes over me. .
JOAN:
It is rather hard to believe.
THOMSON:
(blinking doubtfully) What?
JOAN:
(with a glint in her eyes) Never mind.
THOMSON:
I had occasion to mention it to old Simmons, that's
all. Isay, do you know what he said? 4
JOAN:


THOMSON:
He said, there are two kinds of bloody good rides in
life, andI ride to hounds four times a week---no,
three!
(A pause)
JOAN:
What?
THOMSON:
Well, he said there are two rides---and I said how
many times a week---! (sulkily) Oh, I don't-1 know, -
something like that! Ican never bring a joke off with
you!
JOAN:
So what's wrong with my young man ?
THOMSON:
Simmons wants the house. But I'm buggered if I'll let
him have it.
JOAN:
He'll pay within a month. The whole thing.
THOMSON:
(turning) Who?
JOAN:
My young man.
THOMSON:
Good God! Has he got the money?
JOAN:
Apparently.
THOMSON:
Idle rich?
JOAN:
No, his company's buying the place.
THOMSON:
His company? I wish my company bought me houses!
What's his offer?
JOAN:
A thousand more than you said.
THOMSON:
(starting) What?
JOAN:
(with cool triumph) That's right.
THOMSON:
(A pause)
JOAN:
In other words, he's a mug.
THOMSON:
(quietly) Well, we were after a mug, weren't we?
(She goes to the window)


JOAN:
Intelligent chap. (gazing out)
THOMSON:
The last intelligent chap you had drove his car into my
stables. And then described it as an act of God!
JOAN:
We'll see what this chap can do!
THOMSON:
He treated me with great respect, though, I must say
that. He called me sir. (gazing at her) He didn't seem
won over by your libellous stories. Have you
started on this one yet? (she hums and picks thread
from her skirt) I say, he wasn't won over by your
stories.
JOAN:
Yes, I heard.
(Silence. There is a clap of thunder in
the distance. She walks to the door
abruptly
left)
JOAN:
(going) I'd better get the gramophone in.
(She leaves and the BRIGADIER is alone)
THOMSON:
(gazing out of the window) I smelt rain. The
trouble is, I---! (he stops, looking round) I don't
believe in a damned thing!
(Lightning and an enormous clap of
thunder.
JOAN dashes in. She.has thrown a kind
of old sack over her head)
JOAN:
Oh, come on, for Christ's sake---there's half the
furniture out there! It isn't ours, either!
THOMSON:
I'm sorry!
(He dashes out after her.
The rain grows heavier; there is more
thunder and lightning.
We hear JOAN and the BRIGADIER
puffing and blowing as they push up-
right chairs into the porch.
The chairs grow slowly until a pile of
them almost blocks the doorway.


Then the BRIGADIER emerges at the
top of the pile and climbs back into the
room, soaked and out of breath. JOAN
follows, jumping down in an agile way)
THOMSON:
Well! I rather enjoyed that! (wiping himself with a
handkerchief as he sits down) God knows why he does
respect me. Because I'm a JP, do you think? Like
that American I met in the City. Shook hands with him---
and I found he was trembling. Know that? Yes!
JOAN:
(having thrown the sack off) Trembling?
THOMSON:
I'm everything they're frightened of, perhaps.
JOAN:
(ironically) Really?
THOMSON:
In one word, class. (taking off his jacket) I can tell you
one thing, Iprefer your buffet suppers to the dinners
you cook. (suddenly) By God, Hester's a fine piece,
isn't she? I mean---! One shufti at her and I spent
a restless-night:
JOAN:
All right, old boy, don't get beyond yourself!
(She walks across to the dining room door
and as she does so he puts out a hand
to touch her)
THOMSON:
Joan---how do you think they enjoyed it?
JOAN:
(suffering his hand on her arm silently) Oh, all right.
THOMSON:
Let's have another drink. Joan---! (pulling her a
little)
JOAN:
(between clenched teeth) I'll get the drink!
(She then strides off)
THOMSON:
(to himself again) She's always been like that. Iused
to sit on the bed and cry. (suddenly remembering
something) Joan! I say, you haven't seen my
embroidery, have you? The latest job? (jumping up
rather frantically) I left it on the chair here!
(There is no reply and he stumbles in
something of a panic towards the porch
and manoeuvres the hill of chairs again,
cursing to himself. The room is empty
again.


The rain continues. There is more
lightning. We hear the BRIGADIER
crash into a last chair on the porch:
'Damn'. Then there is silence.
JOAN reappears with the drinks in her
hands. She looks round)
JOAN:
Charles?
(Only the sound of the rain. She puts
the drinks down and goes to the window.
She peers out.
At last we hear a scraping at the porch
again)
Is that you, Charles?
(We hear him climbing the chairs again.
His head appears at the top. Then he
climbs down)
THOMSON:
It's ruined. It was in the flower patch. 'Three years'
work.
(He stands gazing at her. The rain has
soaked his shirt now)
JOAN:
Here's your drink.
THOMSON:
Aren't you sorry?
JOAN:
(impatiently) Of course I'm sorry!
THOMSON:
You left it in the mud.
JOAN:
I left it?
THOMSON:
You can be so cruel. That took me three years.
(She shrugs, though a little ashamed)
JOAN:
The colours don't run, do they?
THOMSON:
It's torn. Nearly ripped to pieces.
JOAN:
Hester used it as a hare.
THOMSON:
I thought so!


JOAN:
(taking his drink to him) Here---come to mum!
(She holds the glass to his lips and he
takes a sip. Then she takes one as
well, from the same glass)
Pax?
(He nods sadly and they link little
fingers. A little tug to confirm it)
THOMSON:
Pax.
JOAN:
(as they separate) Do you know, he said he'd buy the
house without the land?
THOMSON:
Did he? (suddenly realising what she has said) What?
Without the garden ?
JOAN:
Yes.
THOMSON:
But the land's worth---!
JOAN:
I know!
THOMSON:
But what sort of complete bally idiot is this man?
JOAN:
He's intelligent. They're all idiots nowadays, didn't
you know? And they get paid like film stars. Anyway,
we can build up a real stables at last.
THOMSON:
You're damned right we can! (with quiet astonishment)
What a blasted mug! Here---(suddenly) he's not a
Yank, is he?
JOAN:
THOMSON:
I don't want this place colonised. I admire them and all
that, but we do need a corner to ourselves!
JOAN:
He's English, though you wouldn't know it.
THOMSON:
(gazing at her with a slight smile) You are a blasted
old swindler, you know.
JOAN:
What was I to. do---turn him down?
THOMSON:
Oh, no! Certainly not!
(They sip their drinks)


JOAN:
(chuckling) Hester caught her hare just by the switch-
board tonight---brought the whole lot down, lights, radio
and all!
THOMSON:
(reminded) She caught my embroidery, too.
JOAN:
You know what this deal means, don't you? I can run the
garden.
THOMSON:
It means you can come down and lead him hell when
you like.
JOAN:
That's right.
(Another pause)
THOMSON:
The Master says I look down on him. Which I do. I
can't stand him dressed up in that pink coat of his.
Makes him look like a puppet!
JOAN:
You men are frightful when you quarrel. Hester and I
could run that hunt better.
THOMSON:
Like hell you could. What about that time she called
you the fox's best friend?
JOAN:
She's a bitch, but SO am I. That's why we agree. And
another thing we've got in common---(glances at him)
THOMSON:
What's that?
JOAN:
We're both childless.
THOMSON:
(mumbling) Oh, put a sock in it, for Christ's sake.
(There is silence between them)
JOAN:
(almost to herself) I used to try so hard. I used to sit
and will a baby. I used to pray even. But you can't do
it like that.
THOMSON:
All right, all right.
JOAN:
(almost in tears) I was always picked on in the family.
Always laughed at. All I heard was 'service'. I
always fell short in 'service'. And it was such a
hearty family! I had nothing I could call my own--
they always smashed it up for me! (putting her
handkerchief to her eyes) They took my socks---I
had to come down to breakfast without any socks on,
and then get shouted at.


THOMSON:
(his head bowed, with disgust) Oh, Christ!
JOAN:
I can see it in people's eyes. The Gorringes, for
instance, Dave Forbes. They say, she puts her
energies into the farm because.. . -
THOMSON:
(raising his voice) You haven't got a farm!
JOAN:
(in a steely way) I will have! That's where this money's
going. A small stable. And a big herd of.Guernseys!
THOMSON:
(in alarm) Oh, no, we're not having that again---not in
the new house! Cows calving in the drawing room--
JOAN:
That happened once, you chump!
THOMSON:
-and the clang. of that bloody milk pail at four o'clock
in the morning---!
JOAN:
Five!
THOMSON:
It felt like four. Then young Dave Forbes sticking his
grinning face round the door-- --(imitating him) 'One
of your fences is down, Brig. Four or five missin'
again! ! Oh, no. . And the tramps through the mud
for the missing cow. The bloody agricultural
inspectors, and the milk board, and pigs rooting in the
lawn.
JOAN:
I broke even on it, anyway!
THOMSON:
But not again! Not in the new house!
JOAN:
All right--- no Guernseys, no sale!
THOMSON:
(menacingly) You'll leave my money alone!
JOAN:
I shan't touch your money. I'll just tell him the right
price.
THOMSON:
(in a quiet, firm voice) You won't tell him the right
price.
(Another pause, during which they
sip their drinks)
JOAN:
I wish you could dance, you know.
THOMSON:
I'd have started thirty years ago if I'd wanted to.
JOAN:
Our family quack told me once--


THOMSON:
Yes, I know: it 'loosens the fluids'.
JOAN:
You never loosened mine.
THOMSON:
(his head lowered) Yes, yes.
JOAN:
I still dream about a house full of children.
THOMSON:
Yes.
JOAN:
I swear I can understand them better than grown-ups.
THOMSON:
(with a touch of reverence) I believe you can.
JOAN:
I'd either like to be a child---or a horse.
THOMSON:
I wish I could remember what old Simmons said--
three times a week.. Do you think he---? (he stops)
I mean, do you think it's all right between some people?
JOAN:
(quietly) Go to hell!
(They are silent)
THOMSON:
Is his firm sending a surveyor down?
JOAN:
He is the surveyor.
THOMSON:
What?
JOAN:
He says he'd pay twice as much on the Continent.
THOMSON:
Did he, by God?
JOAN:
He says the prices here are low. He says our position's
shrunk.
(They are silent)
JOAN:
I'll have to ask the Master to dinner. I dontt want him
cutting up about this house. Ask your cousin twice-
removed---the honourable one---there's nothing like a
title for softening old Simmons up.
THOMSON:
Eddy, you mean? But he's potty! Anyway, this house
is a bloody disgrace. I wouldn't even invite this
foreign chap!
JOAN:
(defensively) You find me a housekeeper, then.


THOMSON:
I've found you a dozen. (they are suddenly in the middle
of a blazing row) But they won't stand your clothes
all over the floor and your filthy habits---the cow-dung
in the kitchen---hay from the horse-box all over the
beds---and finally---finally---that blasted mechanical
saw cluttering up the dining room! (he is livid)
JOAN:
(stung) I'll keep it there another week. It needs more
work on the pistons.
THOMSON:
I've got the chairman and his wife coming to dinner
Saturday night! All that lovely panelling of mine ruined!
And the inlaid sideboard with your grease all over
it-- -your nuts, bolts, piston-rings, broken silencers---!
JOAN:
I told you, the silencer's bust! You said you couldn't
stand the noise.
THOMSON:
I couldn't! No, I couldn't!
JOAN:
All right! I'll clear it out of the dining room---you'll
get your dinner party---but I'm afraid I can't get the
silencer done yet. There won't be time.
THOMSON:
(hushed, as if in pain) That's right. No silencer.
(nodding to himself) Tit-for-tat. All the way through
life. Dinner party---no silencer. Sell the house---a
herd of Guernseys..
(Suddenly he strides across to her,
overcome with rage, and seizes her
savagely. He begins kissing and biting
her violently, holding her hair in a great
mass in one hand. She struggles and then
begins to scream. ina-peculiar muted way)
JOAN:
Char---! Charles! You swine! Swine!
(Screaming at the top of her voice, as
she manages to tear herself away)
Swine! :
(She stamps out of the:room like a soldier,
into the dining room. There is some
tearful fumbling with machinery next door.
The BRIGADIER stands there panting.
Suddenly the air is filled with the
deafening roar of an engine, minus its
silencer. A mechanical saw.


The noise is. simply immense.
BRIGADIER stands there bowed, like a
defeated animal, staring in front of him.
There is a shout from the porch: 'Brig!
Brig! ' Suddenly he realises he is being
called. He turns this way and that, torn
between the engine and the voice from
the porch)
THOMSON:
(thinking to appeal to JOAN to turn it off) Joan! Joan!
VOICE:
(OFF) Brig! Are you there, Brig?
THOMSON:
Yes, damn you! (swivelling) Joan! Joan!
JOAN:
(appearing) What the devil---?
THOMSON:
(He indicates the porch and as he does
so CAPTAIN SIMMONS is seen climbing
over the barrier of chairs. He is wet and
bedraggled)
SIMMONS:
(shouting at the top of his voice) HAVE YOU SEEN
HESTER?
(JOAN disappears again)
THOMSON:
(screwing up his face) What?
SIMMONS:
HAVE YOU---(the engine cuts out) SEEN---! (he
stops, stunned by the silence) What the devil have
you got there?
THOMSON:
Oh, it's---it's... A mechanical saw.
SIMMONS:
In the dining room ?
THOMSON:
Yes---the---er-- -wife, she's having trouble with it.
SIMMONS:
But what the hell can she be cutting up in the dining room ?
THOMSON:
(irritably) She's mending it, that's all!
SIMMONS:
In the dining room ?
THOMSON:
Oh, shut up, for God's sake! It's bad enough with her!


SIMMONS:
I'm sorry.
THOMSON:
What's the trouble, anyway?
SIMMONS:
Hester's not drunk in the car.
(A pause)
THOMSON:
(staring at him) What?
SIMMONS:
She hasn't gone to bed in the car.
THOMSON:
I should hope she hasn't. Does she usually?
SIMMONS:
I fix up a bed there. For when she chases hares.
THOMSON:
(turning away and speaking quietly) You're drunk.
SIMMONS:
(shouting) But everybody knows I keep a bed in the
shooting break for when she gets tight!
THOMSON:
(again furious) I don't know anything about your
domestic arrangements, man!
SIMMONS:
(quietly) Well, she's not there anyway.
(Another pause)
THOMSON:
Why_should she be?
SIMMONS:
She always is - after she's been chasing hares:
(BRIGADIER THOMSON looks at him
slowly)
THOMSON:
(calling out) Joan! Hester's missing!
SIMMONS:
I've tramped miles.
(JOAN appears)
JOAN:
(showing signs of her former tension) What's that?
Oh, hullo, Master!
SIMMONS:
Evening, Mrs. Thomson. I hope I'm not interrupting
your-- -sawing.
JOAN:
Oh,. no, not a bit!
THOMSON:
He's lost Hester. She isn't drunk in the car.


JOAN:
What?
SIMMONS:
She caught her hare-- -some sort of old embroidery--
and then she didn't make her usual beeline for the car!
JOAN:
Shall I call the police?
SIMMONS:
Oh, for God's sake, no! She might be-- -well, you
know---binge, hay, hare, singsong, that sort of thing.
(A pause while the others stare at him)
(continuing, to THOMSON) A habit of fifteen years
suddenly goes phut!
THOMSON:
Sit down, old chap.
SIMMONS:
(sitting down) Thanks.
THOMSON:
She can't have gone far.
SIMMONS:
For fifteen years it's been like clockwork- -binge,
hare, hay, singsong. And now there's this!
(Silence. The others stare at him in
bafflement again)
THOMSON:
(screwing up his face) What's that?
SIMMONS:
I say, it's been as---(lost for a moment)---fixed as
the stars for fifteen years!
THOMSON:
What was that you said---binge, hay. - ?
SIMMONS:
Binge, hare, hay, singsong.
THOMSON:
(gingerly, with a glance at JOAN) Oh!
SIMMONS:: :
(with a trace of indignation) We haven't got children,
you know!
THOMSON:
(quietly) Quite.
SIMMONS:
You see, we have a singsong in the car, on the way
home, after the hare. She hits the hay and then we
sing!
THOMSON:
Ah, yes. She doesn't sleep in the car?
SIMMONS:
Good God, no! Singing's all part of it. We've got some
of the dirtiest Irish songs you've ever heard!


JOAN:
Really?
SIMMONS:
And it---! (he stops, eyeing them both) Works us up.
For later.
JOAN:
THOMSON:
(guffawing) Good Lord!
SIMMONS:
The rest is silence, as they say.
THOMSON:
(trying to get rid of his naughty-naughty smile) Well,
what's to be done?
SIMMONS:
We'll have to scour the countryside, that's all.
THOMSON:
Right! What'll we do---spread out or recce all
together?
SIMMONS:
Spread out, I think.
THOMSON:
Will you take command?
SIMMONS:
(also rising) No, I think you'd better. (generously)
Higher rank and all that.
THOMSON:
Oh. Well, thank you very much.
JOAN:
I'll get some greatcoats. They won't be very fine,
I'm afraid.
THOMSON:
As long as they keep the rain off.
(JOAN goes out right to get the coats)
You take the path down to the river, I'll go up to the
farm and Joan can stay on the road, she's gothigh-
heeled shoes on. Communication: voïce..
Synchronise. (looking at his watch)
SIMMONS:
What?
THOMSON:
Synchronise.
SIMMONS:
(looking at his watch also) Oh!
THOMSON:
It's coming up to 01. 13 hours. Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two, one, now. 01.1 13 hours
precisely.
SIMMONS:
Thank you.


THOMSON:
Headquarters, this house,
SIMMONS:
Right.
THOMSON:
Got any ammunition?
SIMMONS:
Christ, I don't want to shoot her!
THOMSON:
As you wish. It's your party.
(JOAN returns with three rough farm-
coats. She throws one to her husband
and one to CAPTAIN SIMMONS)
(watching SIMMONS as he struggles into it) Fit, old boy?
SIMMONS:
Yes, thanks!
THOMSON:
Right, let's advance. Joan, you stay up on the road.
(he begins clambering.over the chairs in the porch)
There's a little climb, I'm afràid, Simmons.
JOAN:
Shall I go ahead, Master?
SIMMONS:
(meekly) Please.
(JOAN climbs after her husband)
JOAN:
Damn!
(A chair falls in the porch)
THOMSON:
(OFF) You all right, Joan?
JOAN:
Yes, thanks.
(CAPTAIN SIMMONS begins climbing
absent-mindedly)
SIMMONS:
(to himself) After fifteen years---phut. (crash)
Damn!
(He disappears and the stage is empty)
THOMSON:
(OFF) Lovely night for a show like this!
SIMMONS:
(OFF) Here I am!
THOMSON:
(OFF) Very well, you know your orders. Spread out!
Report back to headquarters by 03. 00 hours (0-three
hundred hours)!
END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO
The same: but all the furniture and the
curtains have been removed. Builders'
materials. One thing remains from the
previous scene: the pile of chairs in the
porch, forming a barricade nearly as
tall as the doorway.
GEORGE GORRINGE and DAVE
FORBES are stripping apparently end l-
less layers of wallpaper off the walls.
The floor is already ankle deep in
various" patterns and colours, old and
new. GEORGE and DAVE are dressed
in overalls.
GEORGE:
A lot of paper here, mate! (rip)
DAVE:
(Silence)
GEORGE:
(turning to look at him firmly) Either you don 't wash
your ears out, mate, or you daydream.
DAVE:
(rip) I daydream.
GEORGE:
Scats! (rip)
DAVE:
GEORGE:
'Eh'? You want to get on to B, mate, it's next in the
alphabet! (rip)
DAVE:
Everybody's 'scats' for you.
GEORGE:
It's better than 'eh'. (rip)
(DAVE - rip.
GEORGE '- rip, rip):
DAVE:
(turning to help) Do you think he's right ?
GEORGE:
Who?
DAVE:
That foreigner.


GEORGE:
What about ?
DAVE:
He says we've got no initiative!
GEORGE:
(rip, rip, rip, rip) A-c-c-c-h! (exclamation of dis-
gust)
DAVE:
It's true. There's no openings
you can 't get for-
ward in this country. That's the truth.
GEORGE:
(half to himself) You and your bloody openings (rip)!
You need a woman.
DAVE:
I need more than one!
GEORGE:
I never talked my chop off about openings when I was
your age!
DAVE:
(careless' rip) I'd work, real work, if I could get
things a bit clear.
GEORGE:
You take after your mum. (rip)
DAVE :
Sometimes I think I've got that fatal disease.
GEORGE:
What - putting lids on paint -tins ? You're scats!
(A pause)
DAVE:
(rip) What a way to spend Saturday!
GEORGE:
It was your idea, mate.
DAVE:
It was Ellis's. He said it was a good opening.
GEORGE:
Listen, he lives abroad, and he's very big and he
comes over here with his pockets full and all that's
very fine; he's bought a nice house riddled with dry
rot and woodworm and Christ knows what else and he's
paid three times as much as it's worth and he talks
French fluid -
DAVE:
Fluent.
GEORGE:
and I expect he's seen the Folly Bergear and he's
been in the red-light district like the Brigadier said,
and his clothes are dandy, he combs his hair nice and
he's very charming to my wife, she's going to wash out
his dirty clothes for him and make his beds, but we're
not French,, mate, we're workers, and


DAVE:
Ellis was born near the docks. His dad works on the
barges.
GEORGE:
Get out -
(rip) he's foreign! You can see it!
'Docks'! We never ought to have started this job.
It's like damming up the sea! (rip. He stands back
with a puzzled air) Blimey, how many more layers
of this stuff? I reckon it stretches back to the middle
ages!
DAVE:
You're getting paid for it.
GEORGE:
I'm getting paid for this. Then what ?
DAVE:
Ellis said his company'd help us!
GEORGE:
That sounds to me like a French promise.
DAVE:
Get out!
GEORGE:
(rip) In the 1914 war, they tell me, the generals - a
used to order up a French division, start the bloody
battle, then find out they wasn't there!
DAVE:
I like French girls, anyway.
GEORGE:
(turning to face him and using his tool as a pointer)
Listen, there's too much parlee -VOO and comprenee
and madermeselle-from -Amentears over there, if you
ask me!
(DAVE gazes at him with bafflement but
says nothing. A pause)
DAVE:
He says I should give up my job at the paint works.
GEORGE:
Don't do it!
DAVE:
I won't.
GEORGE:
Good.
DAVÉ:
(ironically) Because I don't want to do anything brave,
do I? You wouldn't, would you? You'd do this job
week-ends, then go back to the railways Monday and
twiddle your bloody thumbs till somebody found you
another wall to strip!
GEORGE:
That's right.


DAVE:
So would I. But it's not my instinct. My instinct's
to give up that paint job. It's already given me a
fatal disease.
GEORGE:
Don't talk scats!
DAVE:
(earnestly) I can feel it! It crawls up my lungs
it's
(ELLIS comes in, holding a bottle of
wine and some glasses)
ELLIS:
I thought you might like some wine. Anything wrong ?
GEORGE:
No - - it's
Dave's fatal disease, that's all.
ELLIS:
(staring at DAVE) He's got one ?
GEORGE:
No, he thinks he has.
ELLIS:
Oh. (putting the bottle and glasses down) I've just
been up on the roof. It seems a bit rickety.
GEORGE:
Oh that roof's all right.
ELLIS:
Think so?
GEORGE:
I know so.
ELLIS:
The Captain's on his way over. He wants to use this
house for his hunt meetings.
(He pours wine. GEORGE is eyeing
the process gingerly, between rips)
I suppose I'm changing classes really. I mean I
thought classes didn't exist any more. You know, I
used to sit in my Paris flat and dream about having a
house in England. Then I got this transfer from the
Paris branch. And my company's put up the money.
It seems unreal. I feel unreal. I thought I'd feel
real when I got back home but I don 't.
GEORGE:
Yes I expect you feel more at home over there. (rip)
ELLIS:
In a way I suppose I do. Imean, it's real. I don't
suppose you follow me at all, do you? (glancing round)
I have to keep a watch-out from my bedroom window
every morning, in case she comes.


DAVE:
Who ?
ELLIS:
The Captain's wife. Hester. She:chasés mé. She
chased me all night, that first night. They- had
search parties out for her. She was upstairs with
me. She sang dirty Irish songs all night. People
drink a lot here, don' 't they ?
GEORGE:
Well we all like a drop now and then. I daresay you
ELLIS:
Hester does nothing else. I bolt the door when I see
her coming. I start work next week. Ishall have
to be out of here by eight-twenty-five in the morning
to catch the City train, and if she chases me in my
office suit.. I mean, she tears you, like a piece of
cloth. Do you think it's a bit big for me, this house' ?
GEORGE:
Well,: it is a bit big for one.
ELLIS:
You see, it was so cheap. I had to buy it. My
firm's American. They thought it was chicken-feed.
You see, we deal in property, among other things. : - I
can develop this house and sell it back to the firm
when they post me somewhere else.
GEORGE:
Very nice too. (rip)
ELLIS:
I love travelling. I've surveyed jungle, Australian
DAVE:
Have you really?
ELLIS:
I've got a three -year stint at the London office in front
of me. It goes against the grain, office-work, but I
felt like coming home. We have property in Malta,
Spain, the Bahamas. I hope for a posting to the
Bahamas next. Mind you, it's ahard grind wherever
you go. Property's only a small part of it. We de-
velop whatever's undeveloped. Like this house.
GEORGE:
Is see.
ELLIS:
How's the work coming along by the way ?
GEORGE:
Well there's more paper than we bargained for?
ELLIS:
There does seem a lot doesn't there?


GEORGE:
If I was you I'd settle for the next layer and size it
over. It's none of my business, mind.
ELLIS:
(carrying the glasses to them) Here you are.
(They take their glasses, GEORGE in a
gingerly way)
GEORGE:
(eyeing the bottle on the table) It's very dusty, isn 't
DAVE:
It's old, that's why.
GEORGE:
Can't they get fresh stuff out there, then?
DAVE:
What are you talking about ?
GEORGE:
(heatedly) Well, he's been to the bloody country,
hasn't he ?
ELLIS:
(holding his glass up. to the light) Like blood, isn 't
it? Chambertin, the lord of the wines.
GEORGE:
Blood ?
ELLIS:
That's it!
GEORGE:
(under his breath) Blimey!
DAVE:
(raising his glass with a wink at ELLIS) Well, here
goes, get in touch with my lawyer, won't you?
ELLIS:
Chin-chin!
(ELLIS and DAVE drink with satisfac-
tion. GEORGE watches them. Then
he too plunges in)
GEORGE:
(spitting it out at once) Ph-th-a-a-h-h-h!
ELLIS:
What's the matter?
GEORGE:
(handing his glass back firmly) Here.
DAVE:
What's wrong?
GEORGE:
It is blood. I read about it in the papers. Andyou can
taste it: I had some blood in the war andit.turned me up!


GEORGE:
It's nice, mind you, but, I don't know, it's always
(contd)
brought me out in a rash!
DAVE:
(ironically) Whereas me, I'm hooked on blood, see ?
(he drinks)
GEORGE:
Yes, well, you was never in a war, was you ?
ELLIS:
Can I get you something else ? Champagne ? That's
pig's bile.
GEORGE:
Now you're pulling my leg. (turning back to his
work, rip, rip) You see, Mr. Ellis, I was down the
mines, I didn't learn things like other people. The
old man called me the soul of ignorance once when I
stepped out of the shaft. Those things cut deep, you
know.
ELLIS:
Yes, well, my dad too - he was -
GEORGE:
(without stopping) We was the toughest unionists
there was. When we picketed (stopping work and
swelling his shoulders) we picketed and nobody got
past us. We stood there like men of iron (standing
there stiffly) - Where you off to ?' 'Work? There
is no work! T (yelling at the top of his voice, to the
astonishment of the other two) 'Get back, blackleg!
Get back!' (advancing on DAVE) Blackleg, BLACK-
LEG!
DAVE:
(backing) All right, all right!
GEORGE:
(finally) BACK!! (pushing DAVE and then turning
back to ELLIS to go on with his narrative) I mean,
when you've had a day at the seams
drilling so as
the whole of your body shakes
you start to wonder
if coal was ever really necessary
Look! Suppose
you've got a seam
remember, we're a mile and a
half underground, don 't overlook that - - : (he is about
to demonstrate the drilling)
ELLIS:
(following him with his eyes) Yes!
GEORGE:
(lifting up a large flap of the wallpaper on the floor)
Now suppose this is your seam
here, take this!
(he offers the flap to ELLIS, who takes it so that it
forms a sort of burrow under which GEORGE proceeds
to grope his way) It's a narrow seam, and


GEORGE:
(interrupting himself as he bends down) of course,
(contd)
I've got a drill in my hand, that's a weight and encum -
brance to start with
then there's my helmet and I
might need an extra lamp
but I'm fitted up with a
light in my helmet which should do
right, now!
I'm just going down into the seam
(sliding into
the burrow) just a bit higher, will you, Mr. Ellis?
ELLIS:
Certainly.
(GEORGE's head disappears and we
only see his feet).
GEORGE:
(from under the paper) B-b-b-b-r-rer-r-r-r!
ELLIS:
What ?.
GEORGE:
I'm drilling.
ELLIS:
GEORGE:
right into the seam
can you hear me, Mr. Ellis?
(his feet now disappear)
ELLIS:
Yes.
GEORGE:
Right, well you can let that paper go now, because I'm
as you might say tucked right into the seam, it's dan-
gerous work, I could easily bring the whole bloody lot
down on my head, so you've got to know where to drill
that 's made a kind of platform for me
(the paper
moves, and GEORGE has begun to burrow his way along
the floor) and I can just
there now! (rising his
voice like an instructor) I've reached a very good
vantage-point - - I've got no way back unless I drill it
back
I'm completely stuck here and I've got my
head in a tunnel - - - T
(CAPTAIN SIMMONS enters from the
dining room, unseen by the others. He
stares at the wallpaper in astonishment,
watching it rise and fall)
(suddenly) B-r-r-r-r-:. Brrr! There, now, it's
cleared another space - I'm edging (the paper moves
and heaves, as he burrows his way further along)
forward
slowly
slowly - and
now - - let


(CAPTAIN SIMMONS watches with in -
creasing fascination)
GEORGE:
(suddenly) GAS! GAS! I can smell gas
let me
(contd)
get back - : Back!
SIMMONS:
(plunging forward) Gas, man ?
(ELLIS and DAVE turn in astonishment)
ELLIS!
(almost a whisper) Oh, hullo, Captain.
(GEORGE's head slowly appears through
the paper)
SIMMONS:
(as GEORGE moves) Stay there! That's an order!
(CAPTAIN SIMMONS dashes across the
room, to ELLIS and DAVE's combined
astonishment, and reaches the window
with, apparently, a light machine-gun
under his arm)
If you're creeping up on Point 287 with enfilade fire -
(as GEORGE moves again) STAY there, man! Are
you afraid or something? By God, these bloody con -
scripts nowadays! (red in the face) You don 't
CRAWL and FIRE at the same time, man, and you
don't cry GAS because you can be bloody sure Jerry'll
never use it! You FIRE, man, on a fixed line, and
then wait for your orders! And don't answer back!
I'm dug in for the night half-way up the slope, it's been
pouring with rain, and before light comes up I'm putting
in an attack on a two-section front - - I've got a section
out on the left (pointing at GEORGE) to give-me
covering fire, and the rest of the company is lying in
reserve. All right, George, give us the fire
I'm (crouching in the direction of the-porch, which he-
has apparently designated Point 287) advancing
(Silence. GEORGE is lying low)
SIMMONS:
Fire, you bastard!
GEORGE:


SIMMONS:
That's more like it!
GEORGE:
SIMMONS: :
Follow me, chaps! (signalling to his men, who are
apparently DAVE) Follow, you bloody cowards! By
God, the men I've been landed with in this war, I
don't blame Jerry for thinking he's going to win!
(shrieking suddenly) Follow, follow, follow! (after
a desperate glance at ELLIS, DAVE follows him help-
lessly) FIRE, you bastard!
GEORGE:
Brrr!
SIMMONS:
(to DAVE) FIRE!
DAVE:
Brrr! Brrr!
GEORGE:
Brrr!
SIMMONS:
Right (he's nearly at the porch): Now I'm sending a
runner back to say I'm ADVANCING! Now, come on
--- ! (with a terrific blood-curdling yell) A-h-h-h-
h-h! (running at the porch and firing with his machine
GEORGE:
Brrr! Brrr!
DAVE:
Brrr!
(CAPTAIN SIMMONS makès arsudden
athletic leap up the pile of chairs and
all we see of him now is trousers and
shoes)
SIMMONS:
GEORGE:
Brrr! Brrr! Brrrt
SIMMONS:
1 : (suddenly he stops)
(Silence. His legs are motionless)
GEORGE:
Brrr!
(Silence again. The legs are frozen)
SIMMONS:
(speaking to someone off in a polite voice) Oh, I say,
I'm sorry.


(His legs gradually return to the room,
and he lowers himself down backwards.
Then JOAN's head appears at the top of
the chairs. She is in riding kit.)
GEORGE:
Brrr!
JOAN:
(as she lowers herself into the room) May I? Thank -
you, Master. (with a charming smile)
(They all stand there sheepishly. The
paper over GEORGE doesn' 't move)
ELLIS:
Good morning, Mrs. Thomson.
JOAN:
(pleasantly) Hullo! Morning, Dave!
DAVE:
Morning, Mrs. Thomson.
JOAN:
(to ELLIS) I hope you don't mind the chairs. They
said they'dcome and pick them up a week ago but you
know what these hiring firms are like!
ELLIS:
Oh, that's all right!
JOAN:
(looking at the floor) What an awful lot of paper! Did
all that really come off the walls?
ELLIS:
Oh yes.
JOAN:
(with a quick glance at ELLIS) Ithink it would have
been nicer to leave it, you know. - In a house as old as
this you have to be careful! (kicking among the pieces
of wallpaper) Good: "Lord, I'd hever have said there
was so much on the walls - there's stuff from the
Thirties (kick), I swear it's the damask you used to see
in the very old houses
(kick, kick, kick)
GEORGE:
(in pain) A-a-hhh!
(JOAN jumps back)
JOAN:
What the devil's that ?
DAVE:
It's George, Mrs. Thomson.
JOAN:
George ?


(GEORGE raises himself up slowly,
nursing his calf, his face contorted with
pain)
GEORGE:
(limping away) Right on my war-wound!
JOAN:
But
what were you doing on the floor ?
DAVE:
He was mining, Mrs. Thomson.
JOAN:
Mining?
SIMMONS:
(puzzled) Do you mean to say that wasn 't enfilade fire?
(to everyone, apologetically) Oh, Isay, I'm sorry!
(to DAVE) I rather made you run, I'm afraid.
DAVE:
Oh, that's all right.
JOAN:
Did I hurt you, George? (as he limps back to his wall)
I'd no idea you were on the floor
I mean, there was
no way of telling.
GEORGE:
(rip) That's all right, Mrs. Thomson.
(JOAN and the CAPTAIN glance at each
other in perplexity,
DAVE: - rip)
ELLIS:
(to GEORGE) Half a minute.
(GEORGE stops working grudgingly as
ELLIS walks over to examine the wall-
paper he has just revealed)
That's just the wallpaper I want. Let's strip it all
down to that.
(JOAN walks over to examine it)
JOAN:
It seems a bit bright to me. I mean, the house has a
certain character, Mr. Ellis. You challenge it at your
peril.
ELLIS:
I'm not chaltenging anything. Some people must have
lived here with that pattern on the wall.


JOAN:
(abruptly) Oh, well, the 'fancy' isn't in my line! I
imagine you cultivate that on the Continent!
(businesslike) What I really came to ask is would
you mind awfully if I left the mechanical saw in the
shed ?
ELLIS:
No, not a bit.
JOAN:
(with renewed charm) How nice of you! There's
always a bit of tree wanting cut down, don't you think?
And as I'm looking after the garden I may as well
have the tools here.
ELLIS:
That's right.
JOAN:
I hope you've settled in nicely?
ELLIS:
Oh,yes! There's just the roof
I was -- e 1
JOAN:
(cutting him short) That's good. Well, good
morning, all. I'll see myself out: (going to the
door right) Sorry about the leg, George, but I'd no
idea we had coal under the house"
(She leaves)
GEORGE:
(to DAVE) What do you want to say that for?
(JOAN returns at once)
JOAN:
(to ELLIS) Oh, by the way, my husband asked me to
tell you, in case you have queries, not to bother him,
but get in touch with his lawyer.
ELLIS:
Isee!
(She leaves again)
(to GEORGE) That's nice, isn't it?
GEORGE:
It's her sort been kicking our sort for too long - 1 -
(turns back to his work in a bitter way
rip)
SIMMONS:
(to ELLIS, seeing the wine-bottle) Is that the juice of
the grape I see?
ELLIS:
Yes, have some.
SIMMONS: :
Very civil of you.


(ELLIS pours him a glass, which
CAPTAIN SIMMONS drinks at once, to
the bottom)
SIMMONS:
(smacking his lips) By God, that's an attack I shan 't
forget in a hurry - point, 287! They had a trench
cut along the brow of the hill and every time we moved
a hair they fired. They gave me an M.C. for it, by
God! We had 'em in the bag inside half-an-hour,
thirty Jerries shouting Kamarad! It's the same prin-
ciple in the hunting field, you' 've got to lay down a
covering line of fire and swing on an axis; when I
didn't swing on an axis I always found myself in Shit
Creek--you've got. to swing on something! (the
others nod in bemused silence) Don't you agree ?
ELLIS:
Yes.
SIMMONS:
You see, partly it's because I 'haven't got a child. I've
got absolutely no blasted interest in this interior-
decoration game, really
I'm only in it for the gold.
That's why I called this conference. (suddenly, to
ELLIS) Listen, why did you buy this house' ? It's
falling to pieces.
ELLIS:
I know but - :
SIMMONS:
You're just like me! In love' with class! But be
careful. He always pulls a title out of the drawer when
he wants to lay his hands on some cash. (pouring
himself some more wine) He's a JP, too, SO watch
your step if he tries it on you, he's a twister, the
Brigadier I mean, and he'll come out of it with a title
himself one of these days, if he twists hard enough.
I wouldn't have got my M.C. if I hadn' 't dropped the
C.O. a bottle of scotch and told the Mess about point
287 until I was blue in the face. (stopping, in a per-
plexed way, blinking) Why did you buy this house ?
ELLIS:
I didn't.
SIMMONS:
What ?
ELLIS:
My firm did. I surveyed it for them.
SIMMONS:
And then they bought it?
ELLIS:
Yes.


SIMMONS:
A real firm
under a board of directors?
ELLIS:
Yes.
SIMMONS:
Are they all crazy?
ELLIS:
No. I gave them a false report. And they're finan-
cing the repairs.
(A long silence)
(breaking the silence) It's usual practice. I mean
it's accepted business. We sort of rook ourselves -
for the books, if you see what I mean. But the
report mustn't be too false. Mine was a bit too false.
As long as the roof holds, it's O.K. It means striking
a balance, you see - between a report that mentions
no dry rot and a repairs bill that does.
GEORGE:
(turning away) Well, my ears are sealed, I don 't
want. to hear anything. (rip) Iused to be in the
reserve constabulary.
SIMMONS:
(gazing at ELLIS with admiration) You and me can do
business together! You're in the money, George!
GEORGE:
(shaking his head vigorously) Oh, no, no!
DAVE:
(angrily) What do you mean, oh, no, no? It's a big
opening!
GEORGE:
I'll keep on the right side of the law, thanks!
ELLIS:
But I'm the company's lawyer, too!
SIMMONS:
What' ?
ELLIS:
That's right. We're a development firm. I fell in
love with this house. I mean, we develop undeveloped
properties, but they can 't be as undeveloped as this.
So I cooked a report. As a matter of fact, Ifell in
love with the trees outside, more than anything. So
here I am.
SIMMONS:
And you sell the house back to the firm at a hundred
percent profit later, eh? (ELLIS nods) Good, then
we're in business! We share fifty -fifty.
ELLIS:
Only on the repairs bill. The sale's different.


SIMMONS:
You're a bigger crook than I am, which is saying
something.
ELLIS:
There's a point about the roof. I was up there this
morning and something shifted. It didn't feel too
safe.
SIMMONS:
That roof's safe enough. You know, I always com -
pare it to the ribs of a fourteenth-century ship!
(Barking of hounds outside. CAPTAIN
SIMMONSfreezes at once)
Hullo, isn't that Hester?
ELLIS:
(jumping) Hester? Ithink I'll have another look at
the roof! Like to give me a hand with the ladder,
Dave? (he dashes off right)
DAVE:
Right'o!
(DAVE follows him)
GEORGE:
(calling after him) Mind how you go up there, Dave!
(turning back to the CAPTAIN, who is absorbed at the
window) He's not used to scaffolding, that's another
thing
SIMMONS:
She's running!
GEORGE:
SIMMONS:
Towards the house. (the barking outside becomes
more excited) Go it, old girl! Head 'im off! That's
it! Send Brave round the trees. Then Fortune.
That's it! Back! Hark back! (jumping up and down
with excitement) Hark away! Hark forward, forward!
Back, damn you, hark back, hark back, Pat and Brave
and Fortune, hark back! B --- : (he stops suddenly)
I say, she's beagling him up the. - - - : (the barking
grows even more excited) She's chasing Ellis up the
ladder!
GEORGE:
Ellis?
(They are interrupted by the most tre-
mendous crash from above. It begins
in a slow rumblerand rises to a cres-
cendo that shakes the whole house. And
it goes from one cascading crash to the


next, like tons of coals being tipped
down a staircase.
CAPTAIN SIMMONS and GEORGE
clutch whatever they can get hold of,
and finally they clutch each other,
their bodies are tensed against the
crash that promises to bring the cei-
ling down on their heads.
At last it stops. They look up slowly.
A cloud of dust drifts peacefully in
from the porch, over the piled chairs)
GEORGE:
(coming to his senses first) Dave! Are you all
right ? (frantically) He's like a son to me, he's --!
DAVE!
DAVE:
(off, faintly) Hullo?
GEORGE:
Are you all right ?
DAVE:
I'm in the daylight!
GEORGE:
DAVE:
I can see the sky. Half the bleed'n roof's fallen in!
GEORGE:
(turning to SIMMONS in astonishment) The roof!
(CAPTAIN SIMMONS sits down discon-
solately and stares before him)
(gingerly going to the window) Ireckon we'll need
danger-money after this. Blimey! It looks like a
desert! Dust everywhere!
SIMMONS:
(as if answering him) We made up a search-party,
you know, the Brig. and his missus and me, and we
were out two hours before we'tracked them down by
the river. Then he joined us for a cup of tea.
GEORGE:
Who did?
SIMMONS:
Ellis.
GEORGE:
(lowering his voice) My wife says he's always on the
phone talking a foreign lingo. Fancy silk pyjamas too.
A bath every morning. And squirts scent all-over his-
self. And he keeps calling out a foreign name. 'Frosty'
or something.


(DAVE appears, dusty)
DAVE:
He won't come down.
GEORGE:
(mysteriously) Just you keep your nose out of it and
you 'll be all right.
DAVE:
Out of what ?
GEORGE:
(grimly) Never mind out of what. Just keep it out.
DAVE:
Your wife's gone up the ladder, Captain.
GEORGE:
Now, then!
SIMMONS:
What ?
DAVE:
It seemed a bit dangerous.
SIMMONS:
She's - she's never minded danger. (he gets up)
I think I'll go. (walking out blindly, via the porch)
I'm going home! (beginning to cry silently as he
scrambles over the chairs) I won't be a witness!
Hester.. Hester...
(But suddenly he stops.
We hear him whisper in an astonished
voice, 'Ellis!'
He then retreats back into the room,
and we see ELLIS's head coming over
the chairs. He also is covered with
dust)
ELLIS:
(to the CAPTAIN) Ssssh! I got away.
SIMMONS:
(standing back) You what ?
ELLIS:
I got away! I escaped!
SIMMONS:
From
from the hunt ?
ELLIS:
Yes!
SIMMONS:
But I understood - : Ellis!
ELLIS:
(out of breath, brushing himself off) Yes?."


SIMMONS:
Do you mean to say - ? Ellis! (his mouth open)
you
ELLIS:
The roof collapsed!
SIMMONS:
(military) Damn the roof! She went up the ladder
after you, didn't she, man?
ELLIS:
Yes!
SIMMONS:
She chased you on the night of the party, didn't she ?
ELLIS:
SIMMONS:
(yelling, his head lowered) Did she' ?
ELLIS:
Yes.
SIMMONS:
And then what happened ?
ELLIS:
SIMMONS:
You played hounds -and-hares, didn 't you ?
ELLIS:
(with a. panic-stricken glance at GEORGE) What ?
SIMMONS:
Hare, hay, singsong ?
ELLIS:
SIMMONS:
Hare, hay, singsong! Irish songs ?
ELLIS:
She did sing some Irish songs, yes.
SIMMONS:
(with quiet patience) That's why I ask you - - hare,
ELLIS:
SIMMONS:
(shouting) Did you hit the hay?
ELLIS:
With her' ? Of course I didn't!
SIMMONS:
But I want a baby, man! Don't you see? I'm relieved
that you didn't but I wish you had!
ELLIS:
But she's close on fifty! And the roof's fallen in! Two
thousand quids 'worth of roof down the drain and you're
thinking of babies that can't happen!


SIMMONS:
I'm sorry. You 'll have to forgive me if I seem to
dwell on it. But she's always chased embroidery
before, never a man. It gave me hopes, you see.
For a moment I thought of her as
fertile
pregnated!
(He goes off over the chairs)
ELLIS:
My bedroom's in a fine mess. There's a rafter lying
across the bed. And it's open to the sky. My photo-
graph of Francine, smashed.
DAVE:
Is that your girlfriend ?
ELLIS:
She could have been.
GEORGE:
Oh, you can do without photographs of women.
They're bad.enough in the flesh.
ELLIS:
God knows what's going to happen to me. The only
good thing is that property values are going up all the
time. But nobody wants a shell, even so! I've got
to make it a house again. The bill's going to be
enormous. They' 'll have kittens when they see it!
Unless they sack me on the spot. I should never have
come here. I should have taken that job in Bangkok.
(to DAVE) They wanted to post me to Bangkok,
instead of England. But I said no, it was too hot.
But I've never had anything as hot as this.
GEORGE:
Well, it's none of my business, Mr. Ellis, but you
went travelling in the first place. You can't come
breezing back here and expect to find everything the
same.
ELLIS:
I went abroad with a reason. I had something to for-
get. You'll think me a fool, but I went abroad to find
out what civilisation was.
DAVE:
Couldn 't you find it here, then?
ELLIS:
All I mean is, I wasn't civilised myself. And I thought
I was! It'was over a French girl called Francine.
She's haunted me ever since. I was never in love with
her.
DAVE:
What are you worried about, then ?"


ELLIS::
She was in love with me. I treated her badly, you
see. She said she loved me, in her little French
voice, and I just laughed at her! Every night she
cried herself to sleep. And I thought love wasn't im -
portant. I thought it was something you kidded about.
And I didn't give her a thought. I was - well, you
know - just like you!
DAVE:
Like us ?
ELLIS:
The only thing that counted for me was my routine.
France was a funny name! And then a friend of hers
she was a nice girl too
came to see me
months after. And she talked to me as if I was a
worm. She said, Francine tried to kill herself
but for what kind of person? For nothing, nothing!
She was so contemptuous. And then I got this job.
And I asked to go to France. I never saw her again.
But I remembered. And I changed. Oh well, I'd
better clear my bedroom up. I suppose I'll move
downstairs. It's like a war, isn't it? Except
there's no bullets. I look out of my window in the
morning and think to myself, as long as those trees
are there it's all right. I mean, we're all
mechanised nowadays, aren't we ? There's not a
spot on the earth where people don't feel mechanised.
And trees make you feel there's hope yet.
DAVE:
I go to sleep at night dreaming of the wide open spaces.
ELLIS:
Well keep it a dream. Because they don 't exist.
(They watch him leave via the dining
room)
DAVE:
There's not one of them people happy!
GEORGE:
They're happy, all right! They're scats, that's all!
DAVE:
And what are we' ?
GEORGE:
Hungry. I'm off to my dinner.
(ELSIE'S VOICE, OFF: 'GEorge,
George! Are you all right?")
GEORGE:
(going to the porch) Of course I'm all right!
ELSIE:
(off) Whatever happened?


GEORGE:
The roof's fell in. I said it would, to the year and
the month, but no, she wouldn't have it!
ELSIE:
(off) Your dinner's on thetable! And tell young
Dave!
GEORGE:
(to DAVE) Come on, mate. It's Saturday. I'm in
my garden this afternoon.
(They scale the chairs at the porch.
The scene is empty)
END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE
Scene One
The same: but the wallsare now uniform.
The hill of chairs in the porch is still
there.
ELSIE is sweeping while MABEL looks on.
ELSIE:
Your Dave's put the first lot down for a car, then?
MABEL:
That's right. He'll be driving me out on Sunday
afternoons, I don't think :
ELSIE:
(with a smile) He 'll be driving out a girlfriend, more
likely !
GEORGE:
(off) Elsie !
ELSIE:
(going to the porch) Yes?
GEORGE:
(off) Got a cup of tea, mate?
ELSIE:
I'll just finish this sweepin'!
GEORGE:
(off) Make it snappy, gal!
ELSIE:
(walking back into the room) That man - he's a regular
teapot !
MABEL:
They're all the same.
ELSIE:
Still, that roof's damned hard work, isn't it? There's
new joists and everything. Here
(lowering her
voice and glancing round) do you know how much he's
putting down for that roof?
MABEL:
Who?
ELSIE:
Young Ellis.
MABEL:
ELSIE:
The best part of three thousand.
MABEL:
Go on! I reckon he needs his brain tested.
ELSIE:
(with another glance at the door) He don't, you know !
He's cleverer than you and me - his company's
paying the lot !


MABEL:
Go on!
ELSIE:
He's gone into this decorating lark with the Captain,
and now he'spaying. himself three thousand quid. Not
bad, is it?
MABEL:
My Dave says he's only on the outside of it, though.
ELSIE:
MABEL:
They're not telling him the real price.
ELSIE:
Who's not? ?
MABEL:
Your George and the Captain.
ELSIE:
(stopping work) Go on !
MABEL:
That's right, He thinks it's costing two thousand. And
it's only costing one. And they're splitting the other
thousand between theirselves.
ELSIE:
(shocked, putting her hand up to her mouth) Oh, dear!
MABEL:
That's right. They're going fifty -fifty.
ELSIE:
Well, Inever did!
MABEL:
Five hundred for the Captain, and five hundred for
your George and my Dave. They're going fifty-fifty,
too. (a pause) Why, didn't they tell you, then' ?
ELSIE:
You bet they didn't!
MABEL:
My Dave says it's high finance. It's always like that.
ELSIE:
It sounds like a swindle to me!
MABEL:
Oh, no, I don't think so!
ELSIE:
(going on with her sweeping resolutely) Oh, well!
Least said, soonest mended!
GEORGE:
(off) Elsie !
ELSIE:
(going to the porch rapidly) Yes?
GEORGE:
(off) What about that tea ?


ELSIE:
(angrily) Just you wait for your bloody tea !
GEORGE:
(off) All right, all right, keep your shirt on !
ELSIE:
(walking back into the room) I'll give him teal I
(She continues sweeping, with quick
movements)
MABEL:
Is youryoung: Frenchman.up yet?
ELSIE:
(with another glance) He's been sniffing round with
the Brigadier. I saw him sticking his penknife in the
wood - showing him the dry rot, you see.
MABEL:
Go on!
ELSIE:
I reckon he's getting wise, don't you? (in a cautious
half-whisper) He's taking her to court. He told me
this morning.
MABEL:
Go on !
ELSIE:
He's not Such a bad feller, is he, really?
MABEL:
I wouldn't mind a chase of him myself, would you?
ELSIE:
(smiling conspiratorially) She's a scream, that
Hester, eh? Turned fifty and expecting twins !
MABEL:
My Dave says he's the best hare she's ever had.
(she looks uncomfortable) I don't like the way my
Dave talks sometimes.
ELSIE:
Did you hear him carrying on the other night?
MABEL:
Who?
ELSIE:
Young Ellis. He calls out a foreign name. Some-
thing like 'frosty'. 'Frosty, Frosty !' (they laugh)
And he leaves all the windows open, you know. It
turns your blood cold, it does, honestly, at night.
MABEL:
There's one thing I will say, he's brought us out of
ourselves, hasn't he? You never used to catch me
putting lipstick on. I reckon it's all that wine he
gives us !
ELSIE:
I have to drink it on the sly. My husband don't like
it. He says it tastes of blood.


MABEL:
Men seem so bigoted,, don't they ?
ELSIE:
That's right!
MABEL:
(lowering her voice) Did you see that bite on the side
of Mrs. Thomson's face?
ELSIE:
MABEL:
I said, Hullo, Mrs. Thomson, been having a scrap
with one of your Guernseys - you know, having a joke,
like I And do you know what she says?
ELSIE:
MABEL:
She says, the Brigadier bit me !
ELSIE:
(They both laugh, ELSIE leaning on her
broom)
He must have got hungry!
MABEL:
That's right!
(A murmur of voices in the dining room.
BRIGADIER THOMSON enters followed by
ELLIS)
THOMSON:
Splendid panelling, don' 't you think ?
ELLIS:
It's not SO splendid up on the roof.
THOMSON:
There is no panelling up on the roof. Good morning,
Mrs. Gorringe !
ELSIE:
'Morning, Brigadier!
MABEL:
'Morning, Brig!
ELLIS:
(as THOMSON sits down comfortably) I just want to
know what you're going to do about it, that's all.
THOMSON:
(after a pause) Invité you down to Chevenham.
ELLIS:
What?


THOMSON:
My cousin Lady Maude's place. She married a
Chester. (with a wink at ELSIE)
ELLIS:
What are you talking about ?
THOMSON:
She'd love to have you. Nice morning, Mrs. Forbes!
MABEL:
That's right, Brig!
ELLIS:
You know it put a cool three thousand quid on the
buying price, don't you?
THOMSON:
Listen, Monsieur -
ELLIS:
And for God's sake stop calling me Monsieur !
THOMSON:
I'm sorry.
(A pause)
ELLIS:
I mean, your wife swindled me. : into buying it - !
THOMSON:
You. swindled yourself.. You cooked a report, didn't
you? Simmons told me I
ELLIS:
Well, (helplessly) I liked the trees. My mother and
father are coming down - I - (he trails off)
THOMSON:
(respectfully) Fair enough.
ELLIS:
They could be comfortable here, watch television
all day.
ELSIE:
That's right, Mr. Ellis!
ELLIS:
(also sitting down) You see, I could easily get the
sack if they find out I put a wrong report in.
THOMSON:
Oh come, come!
ELLIS:
What do you mean, 'come, come'? Suppose one of
your employees put three thousand quid on your
bill unnecessarily, what would you do?
THOMSON:
Sack him !
ELLIS:
Exactly. You see, I told them it was a sound house,
from cellar to chimney. Then the roof caves in !


THOMSON:
It's old, that's why !
ELLIS:
I know, but what I mean is, didn't she ever go up and
have a look ?
THOMSON:
ELLIS:
Why not ?
THOMSON:
(after another pause) She doesn't like heights. That's
why she was in the submarines ! (with another wink
at ELSIE)
ELLIS:
I don't know - people seem mad! It's beginning to
affect me too. I was sane énough in France.
THOMSON:
What - you pay three times the proper value of a
house and then say we're crazy? Eh, Mrs. Gorringe ?
ELLIS:
You took the money all right! !
THOMSON:
That's not crazy !
ELLIS:
Well, you'll have to get her to fork up three thousand
quid, that's all.
THOMSON:
She hasn't got it. It went on the Guernseys. And a
couple of chargers for me, short in the arse and their
knees knocking together! (with an enormous guffaw,
and this time a wink at MABEL) She told me they
cost five hundred quid apiece, and I know she got 'em
at the knacker's yard for fifty each! That's the sort
of wife she is!
ELLIS:
I give up!
THOMSON:
In fact, she only let me out this morning to soften you
up, as she put it. 'Invite him down to Chevenham',
she said. Wave a title under his nose'.
ELLIS:
If only I'd never seén those trees outside !
THOMSON:
(to ELSIE) She likes to keep me away from people.
She tells 'em I don't want to be disturbed, that sort
of thing. All perfect rot, of course. I love being
disturbed. (to ELLIS) What were you saying about
trees?
ELLIS:
I said I only bought this house for the trees.
THOMSON:
Don't tell her that.


ELLIS:
Who?
THOMSON:
My wife. She'll have 'em down in a second. For
instance, I made a big mistake with those horses : if
I'd have asked for a couple of brewers' drays she'd
have given me thoroughbreds ! (guffawing with
enormous satisfaction) I'm enjoying myself this
morning! It's being let out for the first time since
the war! I had an awful time when she ran a farm.
Were you ever married?
ELLIS:
(uncomfortably) I - I - !
THOMSON:
I thought you were. Chaps have pimples when they
don't marry. I've often noticed it. Yes, we had rats
in the barn in those days - everything! I'll never
forget the clank of that bloody milkpail, which is
supposed to be a nice rural sound. I- I'm not really
a strong man, Ellis.
ELLIS:
What?
THOMSON:
(putting out his hand) Feel my handshake. How do
you do?
ELLIS:
(shaking hands) How do you do?
THOMSON:
It's weak, isn't - it? No grip to it. It's a matter of
generation. My old dad had a grip of iron. They call
me a rock of justice round here. That right, Mrs.
Gorringe?
ELSIE:
That's right, Brigadier!
THOMSON:
The reason is, I can always see the other chap's
motive. All law is motive. Stick to what people
think of you. People called me a rock of justice So
I became one. Take that Simmons chap. He's all
right. But you couldn't depend on him for the truth.
ELLIS:
. Really?
THOMSON:
I've been studying my wife for years. She's a: rock of
pride. Can't give way, you see. Ever seen a man -
on the edge of a precipice? If he took a step back he'd
fall. That's her. You see (leaning forward to
whisper something to ELLIS) she never
ELLIS:
Oh, yes?


(A pause during which the BRIGADIER looks
round guardedly)
THOMSON:
(to ELSIE) She isn't in the garden, is she ?
ELSIE:
Ihaven't seen your wife this. morning, Brigadier!
THOMSON:
(again to ELLIS) You see, she doesn't like me biting
her!
MABEL:
(to herself) Oh, dear!
ELLIS:
Really?
THOMSON:
That's another silly thing you did, old chap - going in
with old Simmons. He's charged your company three
thousand for. the roof but he's taking -!
ELSIE:
(flushed) No, he isn't! I'm Sure my George wouldn't
be a parcel to that kind of thing, Brigadier. My
old dad wouldn't have liked it, for one thing!
THOMSON:
(baffled) Oh, I see. (he is silent)
ELLIS:
I'm supposed to trust you and not the Captain, is that
it? At least, he hasn't sold me a ruin !
THOMSON:
It wasn't his to sell.
ELLIS:
Well - (out of patience) I can tell you one thing, I'm
not having my mother and father messed about like
this - I'll - !
THOMSON:
(earnestly) Look, why don't you bring them down to
Chevenham, too?
ELLIS:
I'll bring them down to Chevenham all right, and stick
a lump of dynàmite under the rafters and blow the whole
lot up, Lady Maude and all - then we'll see how she
likes living without a roof - ! I- !
(The sound of a mechanical saw in the
garden. THOMSON makes a leap in the
air, at once agile)
THOMSON:
It's her, by God! ! (as he makes a dash for the porch)
Goodbye, all, nice to have known you! She'll flay me
alive if she catches me here!


(He makes a clean leap to the top of the pile
of chairs and promptly disappears.
The others are left staring after him. The
mechanical saw ceases)
ELLIS:
(bitterly) There's that bloody instrument again. She
woke me up with it at half-past six this morning
God knows where she finds all the dead treesti
ELSIE:
You've only got to get to know her a bit, Mr. Ellis.
ELLIS:
(so preoccupied that he hardly hears her): I - I feel
like a prisoner in my own house. It is my own house,
isn'tit? I bought it, I paid good money for it, three
times the value a
(JOAN appears in the doorway of the dining
room)
JOAN:
'Morning, all !
(ELLIS makes a start)
ELSIE:
'Morning, Mrs. Thomson!
JOAN:
My husband been here? (sniffing) I can always get
his scent. (pleasantly) Smells like a horse !
ELLIS:
Good morning. (a weak voice)
JOAN:
(to MABEL, taking no notice of him) You look seedy,
Mrs. Forbes.
MABEL:
(gushing at once) It's my pain, Mrs. Brigadier, right
down inside, I'm too scared to go to a doctor!
JOAN:
(capably) Don't you know that women shouldn't Suffer
pain right down inside ?
ELSIE:
That's what I always tell her, Mrs. Thomson!
JOAN:
I had the same myself once. And there was the farm
to run, a herd of Jersey's, a couple of hacks to groom.
(sitting down) Well, Mr. Éllis, how do we all strike
you?
ELLIS:
As batty.


JOAN:
(with a slightly defensive chuckle) Really? I think
that's rather a compliment. Everybody's so serious
nowadays! Mind if I smoke? ?
ELLIS:
Not at all.
JOAN:
(lighting a cigarette) I've always found the French
sympathetic. So orderly - I suppose that's because
I'm so messy myself !
ELLIS:
The roof was certainly messy. It was hanging by a
thread, in fact.
JOAN:
You aren't one of the Shropshire Ellises, are you ?
ELLIS:
No. Your husband asked me that.
JOAN:
You look like Nigel, that's why. One of the finest
farmers in the land. Completely inefficient, of course.
Produces a marvellous crop, first-class livestock,
but not the right amount per square acre, which I
believe is what counts nowadays. He doesn't. believe
in machines, you see.
ELLIS:
JOAN:
I do, though. (puffing thoughtfully) I believe in
machines.
ELLIS:
So I've noticed !
JOAN:
Do you know, Mr. Ellis, (the tone seems to be
getting dangerous) I think you belong more on the
Continent than here' ?
ELLIS:
You're dead right. And I'm going back as soon as
I've had you in a court of law!
(A stunned silence)
JOAN:
(a glint of defensive amusement in her eyes) Really?
It won't get you very far.
ELLIS:
It's worth trying, for three thousand quids' worth of
damages.
JOAN:
(shaken) How's the pain, Mrs. Forbes?
MABEL:
Oh, it seems better now !


JOAN:
(to ELLIS) Well, there's nothing more to be said,
then, is there? If you're bent on being nasty, that's
that.
(A contrite silence from all parties)
ELLIS:
(looking down) I've never been to law before. Inever
thought I would.
(Another silence)
ELSIE:
Don't let's part enemies - eh, Mrs. Thomson?
JOAN:
(reasonably) You see, Mr. Ellis, I can't really help :
it if the roof falls in. It's been there for over-four
hundred years and this was bound to happen some time.
ELSIE:
And that was with two world wars, wasn't it, Mrs.
Thomson?
JOAN:
That's right.
ELLIS:
But you don't seem to realise my position, Mrs.
Thomson, Any other firm would have sacked me for
putting in that bill!
JOAN:
Couldn't you tell them it was an act of God?
ELLIS:
How the hell does a roof suddenly cave in like a pack
of cards, even if God wills it? He's got to have some
earthly agency.
JOAN:
The wind.
ELLIS:
There wasn't a wind. They can check up on that.
JOAN:
A tree could have fallen on it.
ELLIS:
(after a pause during which he considers this) Yes,
that's not a bad idea. But they'll want to see the tree.
JOAN:
Oh, we can cut down a tree all right. My machine's
first-class. American job.
ELSIE:
As long as they don't send a surveyor down, Mrs.
Thomson. He could tell.
JOAN:
Mr. Ellis is a surveyor.


ELSIE:
JOAN:
(to ELLIS) It just means cooking two reports instead
of one, it seems to me.
ELLIS:
Yes, I suppose it does ! Well, I can try. There's
just one other thing.
JOAN:
(pleasantly) Yes?
ELLIS:
I wonder if you'd mind using your saw a bit later in
the morning ?
JOAN:
(danger again) I beg your pardon?
ELLIS:
The saw. It makes a hell of a noise. It doesn't seem
to have a silencer on it.
JOAN:
It hasn't.
ELLIS:
Well, I think half-past six in the morning is a bit
thick.
JOAN:
You do?
ELLIS:
Yes, I do.
(A silence)
JOAN:
Country populations are up by five or six, you know.
ELLIS:
I'm not county population.
JOAN:
Then why do you come and live in the country?
ELLIS:
Because I want to.
JOAN:
In that case you must adjust yourself to its habits !
ELLIS:
(angry) What - you think you can just come round
and make my life hell when you feel like it? There
must be lawns about such things .
JOAN:
(plunging in) I've never liked you in this house, and
that's that ! You're not the type. You don't co-operate.
ELLIS:
Co-operate?


JOAN:
You've done nothing but complain. But you must
have known what you were buying. It's an old
house, and all this fancy wallpaper (waving her
arm) doesn't do at all.
ELLIS:
What the devil's it got to do with you? I bought the
house and that's that!
JOAN:
You didn't buy the garden. And you didn't buy me !
And if you don't like it -
ELLIS:
Don't like - !
JOAN:
If it's too old and primitive for you, sell it back !
I'll pay you every penny you gave me !
ELLIS:
But I tell you, I like those trees - I - (he stops,
remembering what the BRIGADIER told him)
(A pause)
JOAN:
(quietly) My husband always said he hated them.
That's why I kept them.
ELLIS:
(in hushed desperation) It's my home. I - I bought it.
I haven't had a restful day in it so far.
JOAN:
I think you misunderstand one thing, Mr. Ellis'
(shai rply) It isn't money we're after round here -
it's people, and a certain type of people ! Ever since
you came there's been trouble !
ELLIS:
JOAN:
And we'd better come to some arrangement quick
because my husband's impatient to get you out !
ELLIS:
(struggling valiantly for words) You - you - you can
get out ! (waving a trembling finger towards the door)
At once !
JOAN:
(standing up and planting her feet astride) I'll stayin
this house as long as I like !
ELLIS:
I'll call the police (dashing wildly for the dining
room door) Where's the phone?
JOAN:
(shouting after him) I'll make your life hell! I'll
stand at the porch all day !


ELLIS:
(returning abruptly) You've made it hell already 1
JOAN:
I'm glad!
ELLIS:
(his fury breaking bounds) It's always people like you !
All my mum and dad wanted was a holiday in the
country with their only son - they haven't seen him
for over four years! Every' time I want to invite
them down a roof falls in or the light goes out or
you work your bloody saw! I won't have those chairs
in my porch!
JOAN:
You'll have them there as long as I wish! (suddenly
bursting into tears) Get out of my house ! You're in
my gardenk You're standing in my garden !
ELSIE:
(sorrowing) Oh, Mrs. Thomson!
JOAN:
I know you all hate me! (screaming frantically) I
HATE tenants, I hate you all, I don't want you near
me I-T (breaking down into tears)
MABEL:
Oh, dear!
(A pause, in which only JOAN's sobs break
the silence)
ELLIS:
(relenting) I'm sorry.
ELSIE:
He didn't mean it, Mrs. Thomson.
JOAN:
(screaming again) He DID! (to ELLIS) I'll have you
out of the house - and your mum and dad - I'll stand
by the door and spit in their faces !
ELSIE:
Oh !
ELLIS:
(wild again) It's always people like you - taking our
dreams away - telling us how to live - that's why I
left England - you've put your dirty mark everywhere
- you - (suddenly)! No wonder your husband hates
your guts
JOAN:
(advancing ôn him) You're mad! MAD!
(suddenly) You've got my socks on! He's got my
socks !
(She dives down towards his legs and makes
a grab at one of his socks)


ELSIE:
Oh, dear!
JOAN:
They're MINE !
ELLIS:
(apparently brought to his senses by her hand) Take
your hands off!
(JOAN pulls at him savagely by the sock
and begins dragging him round. He hops
along helplessly after her)
MABEL:
Oh, I say! !
ELLIS:
How dare you : !
JOAN:
My socks!
ELLIS:
Off! You - ! There! ! (he gives her a smart smack
across the back of the hand)
JOAN:
(withdrawing the hand) Oh! On my wedding ring !
(suppressing an immense cry of rage) Now you're
for it! Just wait and see !
(She dashes out through the dining room.
ELLIS stands panting and dazed, staring
after her.
The women have their hands to their
mouths)
ELLIS:
(in a whisper) Wh - what's she going to do?
(Suddenly the mechanical saw is heard
again outside, but much closer)
ELLIS:
ELSIE:
(out of her wits) Here, she's coming in here with
that saw, Mabel - !
MABEL:
(with a piercing scream) Oh!
ELSIE:
She's coming to cut us down!
(The saw draws nearer to the house and
seems just by the dining room door.


The two women scream frantically and try
to climb over the chairs in the porch,
unsuccessfully because in their panic they
push each other down as fast as they take
a step up)
ELSIE:
She's coming 1 Mabel 1 -
(The saw becomes deafening.
ELLIS, his eyes starting out of his head,
dashes to the dining room and slams it
closed, then locks it twice. He stands
there panting)
MABEL:
She can cut her way through that door!
(ELSIE screams again, in brief, helpless
bursts, holding her mouth)
ELLIS:
(shouting) She can cut through those chairs, too !
(But there is now a different sound. The
saw is getting to grips with something.
They stop and all go to the window slowly,
staring.
There is a wrenching sound, like cloth
tearing, and then a slight whistling noise,
followed by a crash.
A moment's silence)
She's cutting the trees down !
(A head appears above the chairs in the
porch, startled and pale. It is the
BRIGADIER. He crawlsinto the room)
THOMSON:
The trees !
ELSIE:
Oh, Lord, I never did!
(The saw deals with more'trees: a wrench,
a whistle, a crash)
THOMSON:
My trees !


ELLIS:
(shouting above the saw) I'll stop her - 1 (about to
dash off)
THOMSON:
(grabbing his arm) Stay here ! She'll kill you, man,
if you touch her now !
(The saw goes on with its work, while they
all watch aghast)
(shouting, to ELLIS) They were planted when I was
a boy !
(Another tree goes)
She was in the war, you see !
(ELLIS looks at him in a baffled way but
says nothing.
Suddenly the saw gets louder again)
ELSIE:
(screaming) She's coming! !
MABEL:
Brig !
(The two women cling to the BRIGADIER)
ELLIS:
Go out to her, Brig!
THOMSON:
(as the saw gets closer) It's the tree by the house !
The elm ! She's going to cut it down.
ELLIS:
The roof - !
ELSIE:
My George's up there ! GEORGE I GEORGE 1 -
MABEL:
DAVE!
(But their voices cannot be heard above the
saw.
MABEL rushes for the dining room door
but ELLIS holds her.
The saw begins its work close to the house.
This is quite a long job. Then slowly and
Surely the immense elm falls, on to the
roof, and again there is a prolonged crash,


reminiscent of the one in the last. scene.
Again there is the slow drift of dust through
the porch.
Silence. They all stand there listening)
GEORGE:
(off) You all right down there?
(ELSIE tries to speak but can't)
MABEL:
Dave !
DAVE:
(off) You all right, mum ?
MABEL:
Thank Christ! Oh, thank Christ!
DAVE:
(off) We're in the daylight again!
THOMSON:
(quietly) The old trees .
(The dining room door is tried. We can
see the doorknob moving.
THOMSON walks over to it firmly, unlocks
and then opens it.
JOAN stands there, sweating and dishevelled)
(leading her to a chair) Let me get you a drink.
JOAN:
(to herself, her head sunk) The trees
(The others stand staring at her)
END OF SCENE ONE


ACT THREE
Scene Two
A garden party as in the first scene.
But there are no trees now. A series
of arches has been made with trellis-
work and fairy lights, incorporating the
tree-stumps.
GEORGE, ELSIE, MABEL and DAVE
are helpers as before, behind a buffet-
table.
There is music, people are dancing
beyond the arches. The chairs from
the porch: are again in evidence.
SIMMONS:
(off) Anybody seen the Brig?
GEORGE:
(to ELSIE) You'd better hide old Thomson's whisky,
mate. The Captain's on the prowl.
(The music suddenly becomes deafening)
THOMSON:
(off) Turn that bloody music down!
(It is abruptly lowered again)
ELSIE:
(in a low voice) Where's old Ellis, that's what
beats me!
MABEL:
I reckon he's - --:
GEORGE:
(checking them) All right, all right! (glancing round
furtively as he polishes glasses) If you know anything,
keep quiet.
ELSIE:
It's not like the. old garden parties, I don't care what
you say. There's not the old spirit, is there?
MABEL:
(quietly) Well, she put paid to that, didn't she?
Remember how we used to complain the trees was
damp? I wouldn't mind 'em now they've gone!
GEORGE:
I can tell you one thing, it's knocked half the value
off the property. There's no screen in front of that
highway now.


DAVE:
No wonder he's never been known to smile!
MABEL:
It's a wonder she didn't murder the lot of us. (to
ELSIE) I can still hear that blasted saw, can't you?
Trying to get up on them chairs, then old Ellis
saying, 'She'll cut her way through the door! 1
(to GEORGE and DAVE) Elsie let out such a
scream, and I had a go, too, and there was both of
us struggling with each other : (they all smile
and nod) We can laugh about it now but it wasntt
so funny then, was it?
ELSIE:
It put me in mind of the war.
GEORGE:
Me, too!
ELSIE:
You know, when you read in the papers how people
was trapped. I kept thinking to myself, 'Who's
going to get George's dinner tonight?' I did,
honestly!
MABEL:
(with a furtive glance round) She had such a wild
look in her eye, didn't she? I thought to myself,
'She wants us all for today's mincemeat! 1 Talk
about scream! Well, honestly, I don't think I've
been so frightened since I was a kid and got caught
down the coal-hole!
GEORGE:
I'm glad Dave and me was taking a smoke on the
chimney, anyhow!
ELSIE:
(to MABEL) That was the first thing I said, wasn't
it? I said, Well, thank God George and Dave are
all right! Then we sat down and had a good cry!
GEORGE:
I'd have given her saw the trees down if I'd been
her old man!
DAVE:
He ought to have put his foot down twenty or thirty
years ago, if you ask me.
ELSIE:
He didn't even budge, did he, Mabel? And he
wouldn't let old Ellis go out after her. 'She'll
kill you! 1 he said.
MABEL:
It's funny, he didn't even seem very worried,
did he? He seemed to think, 'Oh, well, if the
trees have got to come down, let 'em!


ELSIE:
And then there was young Ellis! (to GEORGE and
DAVE) You'll never believe it
MABEL:
'Give me my socks! I she says. 'You've got my
socks on! 1
ELSIE:
Do you remember that first night he came ? So shy
and humble!
DAVE:
I reckon he's learned a lot since then!
ELSIE:
You're telling me!
GEORGE:
All I know is she's undone a good fortnight's work on
that roof!
MABEL:
I reckon it's not meant to stay up. It's been down
twice in as many weeks!
GEORGE:
It'll stay up now, don't you worry, I'm going to see
the Brigadier about it.
(The music is deafening again)
THOMSON:
(off) Joan! Joan! Turn that bl - -:
(It is lowered again)
MABEL:
Well, I can tell you one thing
I won't be so
keen giving her a helping hand in the garden, not
after this!
DAVE:
(quietly) I reckon you will.
MABEL:
DAVE:
I said, you will. She knows how to twine you round
her fingers.
ELSIE:
Well, she does! She makes me feel all unworthy,
(CAPTAIN SIMMONS comes in)
SIMMONS:
Hullo, all!
MABEL:
Evening, Captain!
SIMMONS:
Seen the Brig?


GEORGE:
Wasn't that him shouting just then?
SIMMONS:
(approaching the table) I'm keeping an eye on
Hester tonight. She mustn't stoke up too fast.
(peering at the table) Well, George, what have
you got for me tonight?
GEORGE:
Usual, Captain?
SIMMONS:
That's right. Glass of gin and breathe the word
Martini over it!
(Polite laughter)
GEORGE:
(pouring) How's that, Captain?
SIMMONS:
Fine! (taking the glass) Well, folks, I've been
dreaming about this place for twenty years or more
and I'm now within an ace of getting it!
ELSIE:
Go on!
SIMMONS:
(as they look at him) Mum's the word, George!
MABEL:
Mr. Ellis leaving, then?
SIMMONS:
(awkwardly) He's in town at the moment. Board
meeting. Telling them a tree fell through his roof.
Which it did. That'll cost their insurance people
a pretty penny.
GEORGE:
Oh,: I'm glad he's insured.
SIMMONS:
He isn't. His firm. is. That tree was the best thing
that happened to the house, from his point of view.
GEORGE:
SIMMONS:
(drinking) We can build our company on that,
George. (looking round) If somebody puts up a
cry of hare I'll throttle them:
(The BRIGADIER comes in)
THOMSON:
Somebody call?
SIMMONS:
Come and have a drink.
THOMSON:
(approaching the table) Your wife's threatening to
go berserk again, Simmons.


GEORGE:
Drink, Brigadier?
THOMSON:
Yes, please, George.
SIMMONS:
(taking the plunge) I want you to come in on this
decorating lark.
THOMSON:
This what?
SIMMONS:
With George and Dave. What I was telling you about.
THOMSON:
Wouldn't dream of it. (to the others) Trifle bare
without the trees, isn't it? Still, she can't cut 'em
down again, can she? That's one blessing! (with
a conniving guffaw)
ELSIE:
That's right, Brigadier!
SIMMONS:
My second proposition is this you come in on the
lodge scheme as well.
THOMSON:
(as GEORGE hands him his drink) - What are you
talking about?
SIMMONS:
The hunting lodge. (pointing at the house) That one.
THOMSON:
It's not a hunting lodge.
SIMMONS:
It soon will be.
THOMSON:
(glancing at the others enquiringly) Where is he,
by the way? Doesn't he look after his own guests?
SIMMONS:
He'll never be happy in this house, Brig. Iagree
with your wife.
THOMSON:
He won't if she can help it.
SIMMONS:
Exactly. I'm just facing facts. It'll make a first-
class hunting lodge. George and Dave can be the
caretakers.
GEORGE:
SIMMONS:
We'll have hunt balls, supper parties, bloody great
log-fires, a garden party once a month in the
summer! We'll liven up this blasted hole if it kills
us, eh, Dave? What do you think?


DAVE:
(with a shrug) Well -
THOMSON:
There's nothing I hate more than hunt balls and
supper parties.
DAVE:
(with a big effort) I don't think it's very nice
scheming against Mr. Ellis at his own garden party.
SIMMONS:
It isn't his garden party.
THOMSON:
What? Whose is it, then?
SIMMONS:
Your wife's!
THOMSON:
My - - ? Good God!
SIMMONS:
He doesn't even know about it. He's up in town at a
board meeting.
THOMSON:
Do you mean to say she coolly gives a party in
somebody else's house?
SIMMONS:
It's her garden.
THOMSON:
Yes, Isuppose it is. But suppose the poor blighter
comes back?
SIMMONS:
She invited him as well.
THOMSON:
Oh, she did? Well, that's civil!
SIMMONS:
And if I know anything about the French, he'll jump
at the chance of free booze.
THOMSON:
He isn't French. I made that mistake. He pulled me
up for calling him monsieur.
SIMMONS:
Anyhow, I reckon he'll get at least a couple of
thousand quid out of the insurance +- I worked it
out for him before he went up this morning
and if we put that into our new company and you
fork out another thousand, together with my lot,
we can buy it all back from him at the price he paid.
THOMSON:
But the value's gone down enormously. We'd be
mugs to pay the same.
SIMMONS:
That's an incentive for him. Compensation for
getting out
put it that way. Trust me, Brig,
I know my man. He won't budge otherwise.


THOMSON:
SIMMONS:
The lodge board then becomes the owner of the
house and the decorating firm. Anyway (downing
his drink quickly) come over and look at the place
with my idea in mind. You'll see the point right
away!
THOMSON:
But I've seen it hundreds of times. Iused to live
in it.
SIMMONS:
But you never saw it as a hunting lodge.
THOMSON:
No, I can't say I did.
SIMMONS:
Well, here's your chance.
THOMSON:
How do we get in?
SIMMONS:
Your wife's got the key.
THOMSON:
Good God!
SIMMONS:
She's over there now, pottering about.
THOMSON:
(with an astonished glance at the others) Well---!
SIMMONS:
It means we'll have to leave Hester alone for a
minute, but as long as Ellis doesn'tturn up she's
all right. (to GEORGE, as he goes out) You'll
be making a cool two thousand a year on this job,
George! So will Dave if he's lucky.
(THOMSON follows the CAPTAIN out
in a mesmerised state)
DAVE:
Blimey! Did you hear that?
GEORGE:
Did he say two thousand a year? That's manager's
money!
ELSIE:
But what a damned cheek, shoving a fellow out of
his own house like that!
MABEL:
Well, she always said she -- -:
(A crash.
The lights go out and the music runs
down)


GEORGE:
What's up now?
HESTER:
(off) Hare! HARE!
DAVE:
Oh, blimey, there we go!
SIMONS:
(off) Hester!
GUESTS:
(off) Lights, lights!
SIMMONS:
(off) It is the hare! Hark, hark back!
HESTER:
(off) HARE!
THOMSON:
(off) Is that my embroidery?
(Another crash - probably glasses,
The sound of pursuit and laughter)
SIMMONS:
(off) Forward! Hark forward. To the river!
GUESTS:
(off) The river!
HESTER:
(off, screaming with laughter) HARE! My darling
hare!
THOMSON:
(off) Get the lights on! She can't see me!
GUESTS:
(off) The river!
(The sounds begin to die away
gradually)
HESTER:
(off, very distant) I've lost the scent!
(Silence.
The lights suddenly go up again and
the music whines back. An air of
desertion beyond the archway.
ELLIS stands in the middle of the
stage, looking shattered, trying to
get his breath)
ELSIE:
It's Mr. Ellis!
GEORGE:
Hullo, Mr. Ellis!


ELLIS:
H-h-h-h----! (he makes a pathetic gesture)
ELSIE:
It's a garden party, Mr. Ellis. Didn't you get
your invitation, then?
ELLIS:
ELSIE:
The Captain said you was invited.
GEORGE:
Shall I fix you a nice drink, Mr. Ellis' ?
ELLIS:
GEORGE:
There's some of the Brigadier's three-guinea
special here!
ELSIE:
It's a bit of a cheek, really, isn't it, Mr. Ellis?
(ELLIS sits down on one of the
chairs heavily, gazing round him with
his mouth open, speechless)
ELLIS:
(recollecting himself suddenly) Cheek?
ELSIE:
Not telling you!
ELLIS:
(He simply gazes before him.
GEORGE comes round the table and
hands him his drink politely.
ELLIS takes a long draught)
ELSIE:
That's better, eh?
ELLIS:
I fooled her that time.
ELSIE:
Who, Mr. Ellis?
ELLIS:
Hester. I headed her off to the river.
ELSIE:
(comfortably) Oh, well, that's good!
ELLIS:
(suddenly looking down at the chair he's sitting on)
How the hell did this get here?


ELSIE:
Mrs. Thomson brought them out.
ELLIS:
How did she get in?
ELSIE:
I think she's got a key, Mr. Ellis.
ELLIS:
Oh! (looking through the arches) Lights on - L.:
in the house. Anybody there?
MABEL:
They're looking it over.
ELLIS:
Looking it over?
DAVE:
The Captain and the Brig.
ELLIS:
Not the Brig. He's down at the river trying to get
chased.
GEORGE:
Trying to get chased?
ELLIS:
Yes, he seems to like it. (holding his glass up
to the light) It's a marvellous thing to come home
tired from the office and get a first-class unblended
whisky thrust into your hand. At a garden-party you
know nothing about, in your own garden, given by
people who a week before cut down all your trees,
tried to take your socks off your feet and sent an
elm-tree crashing through your roof. If it wasn't
England I'd say it was all a dream!
GEORGE:
(with a smile) As long as you keep your humour,
eh, Mr. Ellis?
ELLIS:
That's right!
MABEL:
What about your board meeting, Mr. Ellis? Did
it go all right?
ELLIS:
(after giving her a look of surprise) I said it
was an act of God. They said it sounded more like
an act of the devil. Still, the insurance money's
the same.
(CAPTAIN SIMMONS dashes in)
SIMMONS:
Ah, there you are!
ELLIS:
What's the bad news?


SIMMONS:
It's yours I'm after.
ELLIS:
We'll get about three thousand.
SIMMONS:
(overjoyed) Three thousand? My God - : (sitting
down in a business-like way and drawing his chair
up to ELLIS's) First of all, Iwant to set up a
board with the Brigadier on it. We need his name,
CBE, JP, all that sort of bilge
apart from
his money. The lodge board.
ELLIS:
What lodge board?
SIMMONS:
Haven't you heard?
ELLIS:
SIMMONS:
We're turning the house into a hunting lodge.
ELLIS:
We are?
SIMMONS:
Well, come, come, old chap, you said you wanted
to re-sell!
ELLIS:
I never said anything of the kind!
SIMMONS:
You didn't?
ELLIS:
No, I didn't!
SIMMONS:
Well, look, I hope you won't mind me saying this,
but I wonder if you'll ever really settle down here?
ELLIS:
To tell you the truth, I've wondered that myself.
SIMMONS:
You know what Mrs. Thomson's like.. She'll make
your life hell.
ELLIS:
But she's sorry about the trees. She asked me to
forgive her. She even cried:
SIMMONS:
Not. for long, I bet.
ELLIS:
No, not for long.
SIMMONS:
You see, old chap, there's one basic fact: she's
always wanted me in that house. And when she
wants something she usually gets it.


ELLIS:
Of course.
SIMMONS:
She could do all sorts of things - run a water
channel into your basement, cut your telegraph
pole down (that's still standing, after all). Cement
the lawn over and use it as a car-park. Kéep her
blasted mechanical saw going all day. These are
only the first things that come to mind. I'm just
spilling them out as they occur to me.
ELLIS:
Oh, yes.
SIMMONS:
You see what I mean?
ELLIS:
But -- what's she got against me?
SIMMONS:
That you're not me.
ELLIS:
That's not my fault!
SIMMONS:
Yes, but she doesn't see it like that.
(ELLIS sits thinking it over in a resigned
way)
ELLIS:
(with a quick glance) How much would you give me
for the place?
SIMMONS:
Ah, now you're talking! We'd give you the price you
paid.
ELLIS:
(astonished) You would? But half the value's been
knocked off!
SIMMONS:
That doesn't matter. Shake on it! (he seizes
ELLIS's hand and pumps it)
ELLIS:
(gazing before him) Perhaps you're right. There
doesn't seem anything to stay for..
SIMMONS:
(peering at him) It's a bargin?


ELLIS:
(after another pause, without looking at SIMMONS)
All right.
SIMMONS:
(rising at once with great relief) Why don't you
come and look the place over? You'll see what
I mean!
ELLIS:
(also rising) Of course.
(The CAPTAIN strides out
hurriedly and ELLIS follows him
in a thoughtful way, without
glancing at the helpers.
Then he stops and turns to them)
ELLIS:
You see, they offered me Bangkok. And I
took it.
(He goes out)
ELSIE:
Bangkok?
DAVE:
They're posting him there. His job!
ELSIE:
Oh! What a pity!
MABEL:
He looked real sad, didn't you think so? You
can't help feeling sorry for him can you? I
mean, it wasn't his fault really!


GEORGE:
He shouldn't have cooked that report. He started off
W1 rong, if you ask - !
(JOAN peeps round one of the arches)
JOAN:
Was Mr. Ellis here?
ELSIE:
That's right, Mrs. Thomson, he went to look over his
own house with the Captain!
JOAN:
(with a shrewd/glance at her)Really? Well, I hope
they come to some arrangement. (sitting down
comfortably where ELLIS had sat) Really, you know,
it is extraordinary how you can look at a place for ten
or twenty years and not realise what it's absolutely
made for! The Master's quite right. That panelled
dining room's made for hunt suppers : T
(The BRIGADIER comes in)
THOMSON:
(to JOAN) Ah, there you are. What's all this about
throwing the French chap out?
JOAN:
Buying him out, you mean.
THOMSON:
We can't do that ! I mean, the poor fellow comes
over here after four years to see his mum and dad
and sniff the old English air, and we don't let him
have one fair night's rest ! He told me so himself -
'I haven't had a peaceful night since I came, ! he said.
'There's either a garden-party or no roof, and tonight
there's both !' I must say (sitting down heavily)
I do sympathise.
JOAN:
If I'd had my way the Master would have come here
in the first place. It always seemed to me better
than having a complete stranger walking round the
place in stolen socks.
THOMSON:
(gaping) Stolen socks?
JOAN:
Yes, he took my socks out of the attic.
THOMSON:
Good Lord! That sheds.a.new.light:
DAVE:
(half to himself) I think it's a damned shame myself.
JOAN:
(quick to hear him) What good's he done you since he
came?


DAVE:
Well, I've got a car and a new job. I haven't done
So bad!
JOAN:
Oh, he's been a catalyst. He's certainly been à
catalyst.
THOMSON:
(gaping at her again) A what?
(CAPTAIN SIMMONS comes in with ELLIS.
He has a paternal hand on ELLIS's
shoulder)
JOAN:
Well, how did the negotiations go, Master?
SIMMONS:
(brightly) Very well! Mr. Ellis agrees to sell!
(THOMSON takes the glass of whisky from
GEORGE to ELLIS)
THOMSON:
There. It'll do you good.
ELLIS:
Thank you.
THOMSON:
confidentially) Do they play rugger in your part of
France?
ELLIS:
I don't know.
THOMSON:
(to himself) Soccer, perhaps.
ELLIS:
(also to himself) I'll go to a foreign country where
they think I'm English.
SIMMONS:
(to ELLIS) I must say, I've never seen anybody head
her off like you!
THOMSON:
(as if at a meeting) By the way, I think Mr. Ellis
may not altogether want to forget about us in the
future, and if ever he likes to come back and spend
a few days with.us, for old times' sake, I think
there'll be a room in the lodge for him, won't there?
SIMMONS:
Hèar, hear!
JOAN:
(also at a meeting) I think it might be a good idea to
keep two or three rooms for guests permanently.
THOMSON:
Quite !


JOAN:
Is there anything more while we're about it, Master?
It's your brain-child, after all!
SIMMONS:
Well, I worked it out yesterday and I reckon ten or
twenty guineas a year should be about the subscription,
I favour twenty - I mean, you expect to pay at least
that for the facilities of a club-house, don't you?
THOMSON:
Oh, yes !
SIMMONS:
I'd like to say on behalf of the board that we appreciate
Mr. Ellis's offer -
THOMSON:
Hear, hear!
SIMMONS:
- and hope he'll be prepared to serve us - even from
abroad - as an honorary director.
ELLIS:
Thank you. Thank you very much.
JOAN:
(smiling at ELLIS) I hate these formal occasions, don't
you?
ELLIS:
(dazed) Yes.
JOAN:
confidentially) I didn't really mind about the socks,
you know. I'm only glad you thought they were worth
wearing.
ELLIS:
(still dazed) Oh, thank you ! (looking round) We've
- we've had some exciting times, haven't we, really?
GEORGE:
I expect you'll be glàd to get back, eh, Mr. Ellis?
ELLIS:
(used to being baffled by now) Oh, yes!
GEORGE:
It's Sunnier over there, by all accounts !
ELSIE:
It's a pity your mum-and dad didn't get down, isn't it,
Mr. Ellis?
ELLIS:
Oh, well, I'll give them a good treat in town instead.
GEORGE:
That's right. I think they're doing a French show up
there now, aren't they, Dave?
(DAVE shrugs gloomily)
ELLIS:
It's so peaceful now. Sometimes I think I could -


(A great cry from the direction of the
house,
They all turn)
SIMMONS:
What's that?
(A pause while they listen. The BRIGADIER
goes to the arches and peers through)
THOMSON:
It's your wife, Simmons ! She's on the roof !
ELLIS:
There'isn't one !
SIMMONS:
(striding forward) My wife?
(They all gaze through the arches)
THOMSON:
Good God! She's got half the guests up there !
(Shouts of 'Lights out ! Lights out !', off)
JOAN:
Come on, chaps, this might be fun! (going) Get
the lights out, Charles!
THOMSON:
Right! (calling back as he strides off) Bring some
bottles up, will you, George? We'll have a roof
party!
SIMMONS:
(grabbing a bottle) My wife has the most wonderful
ideas!
(He follows JOAN and BRIGADIER
THOMSON)
ELSIE:
Come on, fly round, you know what she is if she don't
get her way !
(GEORGE, ELSIE and MABEL hurriedly
collect bottles and crates and go off.
DAVE and ELLIS are alone.
Sounds of drunken singing, "Ittsa long way
to Tipperary.")
ELLIS:
Three years in Bangkok. But it's funny. I feel at
home here. Now I'm going. It was exciting really,
getting nothing done. I mean, it's a way of keeping
mechanisation off isn't it? Of course they won't


ELLIS:
make a hunting lodge over there. I don't expect
(contd)
they'll even buy the house. All they want is a good
time, really. And tonight I'm going to have one too!
I'll let Hester chase me as far as she likes!
DAVE:
Well you can't say you've been bored over here can
you?
ELLIS:
And when she'sfinished chasing me I'll be off. And
they'll never see me again.
DAVE:
What, off tonight?
ELLIS:
Well, I haven't got a house to sleep in. And if I
stayed here much longer I'd be without a job too.
I mean, it: gets into your bones, having fun. I bet
there aren't many places left where people can have
fun like here a New Guinea, or some of the head-
shrinking tribes in Mexico, or Central Africa = or - !
(He is interrupted by cries of 'Hare! Hare !'
and the lights promptly go out)
(in the darkness) I'm ready for you Hester! Come
(Hare ! Hare l' draws nearer. There is
running across the stage. We hear
ELLIS shouting, 'Hare, hare! and
CAPTAIN SIMMONS shouting, 'Hark forward!
Hark forward !9
The voices and steps die away.
There is silence)
DAVE:
(in the darkness) I wish I could go to Bangkok. So I
would if it'wasn' 't for my fatal disease.
(Cries of 'Hare, hare l' come up again, with
ELLIS's voice uppermost. Well done,
Ellis!* comes from JOAN, The voices die
away)
END OF ACT THREE, SCENE TWO


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