"THE RYE MAN"
Maurice Rowdon
Property of:
Portslade Productions Ltd.,
5 Tamworth Street,
London, S.W.6.


CHARACTERS
DOG
STUBB
FAWCETT
FLAMING ETHEL
AMY


A tavern-hall where the audience is
seated at tables, with drinks being
served. There is a small raised stage
with piano fitted with percussion, wash-
board, bass-drum, trumpet etc.
The entire hall is the acting area, and
the stage should be considered mostly
as an area for the musical numbers.
There are a few pelts lying about,
and a shooting-gallery gun, and a
rusty frying pan with a chord tied to it.
There is also a table on which FLAMING
ETHEL can sit or lean during her
numbers.
STUBB is small and rour nd, FAWCETT
slim and clean-shaven. FAWCETT's
long, thin face always seems startled.
STUBB looks round in a gingerly way,
sometimes like a man on the run.
STUBB and FAWCETT are moving among
the tables taking orders. They exchange
pleasantries with the customers, accord-
ing to the mood of the evening. Since it
will get around among the public that two
actors are playing WAITERS, there should
be other WAITERS available, so that at
least there is some question in the
audience's mind as to which of them are
the actors.
FLAMING ETHEL and AMY are also
among the customers, helping out and
showing their charms.
STUBB and FAWCETT are without jackets,
dressed casually but not hippy certainly
no jeans. Their clothes may be dated,
may even suggest a past working-class
elegance, but they should not contrast
too strongly with the customers, unless it
is a contrast which suggests the waiter.
They have to be convincing as waiters,
which may be difficult if their faces are
well-known to the public. They should be
polite but matter-of-fact and firm, without
condescension, so that their transference
from the waiter-role to the scripted charact-
er should arouse the maximum curiosity,


as if we were suddenly looking deep into
the lives of people we had just begun to
take for granted.
When, in the course of the scripted
action, the actor speaks directly to the
customers round him, he should not
engage any one customer too long with
his eyes. Audience -participation of
the obvious kind is not looked for. The
actor, who already has a most difficult
job, must suggest a balance to the
customers which is early understood
by them, otherwise a difficult job will
become an impossible one.
Any order for drinks that comes to
STUBB or FAWCETT after the scripted
action has begun should be conveyed by
them to one of the other waiters standing
AMY is an attractive girl in frills and
black stockings. FLAMING ETHEL has
a rough and vulgar attraction. She is full
of beans. She challenges the customers
with hands on hips. She too is dressed
for the curves, as naked as possible.
Tucked into her right stocking, close to
the crutch, is a miniature revolver.
STUBB:
(to the customers) This is Amy! She's our one-woman
band, there's no instrument she can't play! Is that right,
Amy ?
AMY:
(as she goes to the piano, without showing much interest
in replying to STUBB) That's right.
STUBB:
(still to the customers) Wait till Flaming Ethel gives
you the works!
(FLAMING ETHEL follows AMY to the
stage and addresses the customers from
there, as AMY settles at the piano)
ETHEL:
(pointing to the revolver in her stocking, with legs
astride) That's always there, ready to go off any
minute, it keeps the men alert. They all want to lay,
but never to pay! (with a wink) I'm a terrible woman.
But lovely at my work.


(With piano and percussion accompani-
ment she goes into a lively, sai ucy
number to get the customers in the right
mood.
STUBB and FAWCETT continue in their
function of waiters, but now transfer
orders to other waiters standing by,
and give most of their attention to
FLAMING ETHEL, with admiring side-
glances to the customers.
FLAMING ETHEL ends her song and is
taking her bow when she notices someone
at the back of the hall)
ETHEL:
Oh no!
STUBB:
What's the trouble, girl?
ETHEL:
It's the rye man again!
STUBB:
Oh blimey! (to the customers) He brings us hooch and
calls it Canadian Rye. We never buy it, so that's no
danger of it getting into your glasses!
(FAWCETT conveys the same thing to the
customers round him in other words,
until it gets all round who DOG is.
There is some disturbance at the back as
DOG pushes through)
FAWCETT:
Here we go! It's Canadian night tonight! The North-
West Territories again, eh, Stubb ?
STUBB:
(to the customers) Now don't buy his liquid whatever
you do, it'll set you alight!
FAWCETT:
(still to STUBB, conversational) You know, he must
have been there! I mean, you can't make it ALL up,
not a whole country!
STUBB:
He could!
ETHEL:
Anyway, tell him I'm at the rifle range shooting card-
board targets! (going off) It's more than he'll ever
shoot! I've had him in bed, so I know!
(AMY continues playing the piano.


DOG struggles in from the back carrying
an ammunition chest which is apparently
full of bottles, from the way it clatters.
DOG is an enormous figure of a man,
with a wild beard and bushy red hair.
He has a wild yet abashed look which
makes him squint up his eyes frequently)
DOG:
(gasping) Make way please! (pushing between the tables)
What did she say ? (to the customers) What's she been
saying ? Did you see her little revolver?
STUB B :
Hullo Dog, mate.
(DOG nods grudgingly, sideways, moving
forward towards the piano)
DOG:
(half to customers, half to himself) Don't listen to these
two buggers either. And watch what they put in your
glasses. They're a couple of con-men, from the chemical
industry! Grapes and hops never got near anyth ing they 're
se rving you tonight. Nor malt! (puffing and heaving)
That's for sure. What did she say, she's out there shoot-
ing ? I've got a name for her and it ain't lady! (putting the
chest down) There!
(He sits on the chest, wiping his brow. o
He looks round at the customers as he
does so. STUB B and FAWCETT go on
with their work, clearing ashtrays and
taking used glasses. They watch him
continually, and clearly hang on his
words)
(to the customers) Can you all see me ? I'm sitting on
value. (tapping the chest) Which is more than you've
got in those glasses. Take it or leave it. This lot came
all the way from Port Douglas. That's right, give me
the bloody-liar look! Everyb ody does. Nothing new
about that. (making a sudden mock-grin face and leer
at FAWCETT) You should have been a tap. On a barrel
of piss. (to the customers again) His name's Fawcett.
He's always dripping. (FAWCETT laughs, carefully on
the customer side of the fence for the moment) And
look at the other one. (to STUBB) You Imean. You
could stub him out like a bad cigar. There's a lot in
'a name eh Stubb ? (STUBB smiles cordially, looking
round at the customers) Now if you go to a couple of
tripehounds like these for information about me, what
kind of truth are you going to get ? (again tapping the
chest under him) Value I said! (to himself) Waiters!


DOG:
Who'd be a waiter ? (to STUBB and FAWCETT)
(contd)
You've been waiting too long! It's never goin' to
happen now, whatever you dreamed!
STUBB:
(to AMY) Don't let him get started, girl, come on,
give us something hot!
DOG:
(catching sight of AMY as if for the first time) There
she is! Hands on the keys! Not the keys of good
fortune are they, swee theart ? Didn't come your way
did it, othe rwise you wouldn't be here! Not since
your mother took money down at Prince George for
that little experience in an upstairs bedroom, when
you was sixteen, and him a married man from down
the valley! The first of many eh ?
AMY:
Oh shut up! You're always making it up aren't you ?
(SECOND NUMBER:
AMY plays the percussion and piano and
anything else that se rves as loud as
possible.
DOG moves among the customers as
she plays, trying to get clients for
his 'Canadian Rye', by the glass or by
the bottle. STUBB and FAWCETT mean-
while do what they can to discourage
people from ordering anything from him.
A row starts)
DOG:
(to STUBB and FAWCETT) Look, just keep out of
this!
STUBB:
The landlord don't allow it :
DOG:
(going for him) Listen - :
FAWCETT:
Watch it, Dog!
(They start shouting and struggling with
each other)
AMY:
(banging on the keys) I give up! (she slams down the
piano lid) I'm going to the rifle range!
(She stamps out. They watch her)
DOG:
There, you've offended Amy, you two. The last guys
who did that had to sleep with her as a penance. She
don't carry a revolver between her legs but it's just as
explosive. You go into the secondary stage before
you've left the building!


(FAWCETT makes as if to open the
ammunition chest. DOG races up and
sits down on it, holding the lid, with a
childish pouting look at FAWCETT)
FAWCETT:
(with glances at the customers) Go on, Dog, that's
not rye, that's gunshot!
DOG:
You're dead right it's gunshot! So keep your hands
off!
(FAWCETT leans over him with a
slightly unctious expression but at the
sam e time ribb ing him, with a wink at
STUBB and the customers)
FAWCETT:
It's the fifteenth, Dog. I worked it out.
STUBB:
(who has sat down at one of the tables, with the
customers) He says it's election day. I said I thought
the eighteenth.
DOG:
(suspiciously, to FAWCETT) Why
you anxious to
step into my boots ?
FAWCETT:
(mock-startled) Me ?
STUBB:
Is he right, Dog ?
DOG:
Sure it's election day! (again to FAWCETT) You
never miss do you ?
FAWCETT:
(with a quick smile over the tables at STUBB) It's
our constitution! We agreed on it!
DOG:
That's not why you remember!
FAWCETT:
Why, then ?
DOG:
(turning away, blinking) Jealousy!
(STUBB and FAWCETT find this a great
joke)
FAWCETT:
(with a burlesque sniff) I smell grizzly bear!
DOG:
(half tor himself) Like hell you do!
STUBB:
(going on with FAWCETT's burlesque) They was round
last night, Dog! They near on climbed the cache!


STUBB:
(to the customers round him) Cache means a food
(contd)
store on a pole, in trappers' language. Eh, Fawcett ?
FAWCETT:
That's right!
DOG:
The cache is for Fawcett to mend! (without looking
at FAWCETT) He'll be fixing a ladder for 'em next!
STUBB:
They can stamp you to pulp, Fawcett!
DOG:
(harshly, to FAWCETT) And how many nights are
you goin' to barricade us in with snowshoes ?
(STUBB and FAWCETT grin at the
customers, shrug)
STUBB:
Remember that summer we saw steam comin' up from
a 'ole, it was after the thaw, it must have been the
spring, come to think on it, and Dave fell inside, straight
into a grizzly's lap ?
DOG:
(suddenly enthusiastic) And the grizzly didn't even wake
FAWCETT:
(still communicating with STUBB with his eyes) Well,
so Dave says, but Dave's a bloody liar (then, cupping
his hand over his mouth, to STUBB) If he exists!
DOG:
(rhetorical) He's kept you in provisions for a couple or
three years, sweetheart, and hasn't overcharged. You
take the name of the Provider in vain and he might not
provide any more!
(STUBB and FAWCETT make signs to the
custome rs while DOG is talking, and even
repeat some of his lines with him, with
the pauses between each sentence exact,
like a lesson repeated in class)
ALL:
He showed you how to make a cache. He taught you all
you know. How to stretch the pelts. Lay the traps.
Clean your guns. Keep a smudge against mosquitoes.
What's wrong with that did you want his blood as well ?
(STUBB and FAWCETT roll up with the
fun.
DOG turns and looks at FAWCETT from
top to toe)
DOG:
OK! (rising from the ammunition chest) Let's get it
done with!


STUBB :
(getting up from his table and coming forward) As if
we didn't know the result - - :
DOG:
(cutting him short angrily as he stands on the ammunition
chest) Well, if you'know, waive the formalities
but
there's him (indicating FAWCETT) to contend with!
STUBB:
OK, OK! (with a quick wink at FAWCETT)
(All three of them stand on the ammunition
chest, squeezing themselves together and
almost falling off. Balancing seems to
be one of the election formalities. It
takes some time to get their positions
straight, with DOG standing stolidly in
the centre of the b OX and the others losing
their balance partly through the effort of
controlling their laughter and partly through
the smallness of the surface. They cling
to DOG and get glares in return)
DOG:
Well get it done with who's chairman ?
STUBB:
Fawcett.
FAWCETT:
(clinging and swinging) It's always me. Because I get
no votes. OK a show of confidence for me, by
raising the hand!
(He waits but neither of the other two
raises his hand)
FAWCETT:
(threatening, so that they all nearly topple off the box)
Why, you mean couple of - -
DOG:
Get on with it!
FAWCETT:
(grudgingly) For Stubb
a show of hands!
(DOG raises his hand)
(and with great reluctance) For last yea: r's Dog! A
show of hands!
(STUBB raises his hand but FAWCETT
keeps his firmly down, with tight lips)
DOG:
(glowering at him) That's one for Stubb and one for me
so you decide! Stubb's our dog, is that it ?


(FAWCETT hesitates)
DOG:
Well, come on - : (they almost topple off again with
(contd)
the emotion at close quarters) It's Stubb you want!
(DOG and FAWCETT glare into each
other's faces, noses touching)
I'll give you ten seconds! What's it to be ?
(At last FAWCETT raises his hand, under
the compulsion of DOG's galvanising
glare)
Thank you!
STUBB:
(stepping down) Just what I said!
FAWCETT:
(also stepping down, to DOG) Well was I going to vote
him Dog ?
DOG:
(taking his time to step down, with dignity, when the
others are clear of the ammunition chest,. as if to
emphasise the gravity of his office) Don't blame me!
It's circumstances!
FAWCETT:
(to DOG) I've never seen you raise your hand for me,
that's all!
DOG:
(mildly) You're power-hungry, Fawcett, that's why!
You'd be starving us of fires at night, and keeping the
pelts to yourself, if we made you Dog.
FAWCETT:
And where did you get your education - at the whore-
house reading room down at Pas ?
DOG:
(to the customers) Oh listen to that! He's bitter!
(turning on FAWCETT) Listen, if you want to be Dog
take it = - I'll call you Dog a hundred times a day - but:
that wouldn 't be free election would it ?
FAWCETT:
(quietly) OK, OK,
STUBB:
The same every year!
DOG:
(with sudden fury) So what keeps you here.? (as STUBB
and FAWCETT wander back among the customers to
continue their work) You're a couple of lame ducks!
You sit at a table with a couple of pints of rye in your
guts and because the dice says six you ucch!


(STUBB and FAWCETT make signs to
the customers, and smile at them,
to indicate that DOG is round the bend)
STUBB :
You did the same!
FAWCETT:
In fact, you laid the bet. (to the customers, under his
breath): I'd like to know what bet!
DOG:
(moving down to one of the tables; and sitting with the
customers) 'You laid the bet, you laid the bet' :
(looking round at the customers with irritation) I
always get that! You had it in your faces, you couple
of white-trapping lice
you asked for that six:
FAWCETT:
(to STUBBS) Listen to that!
DOG:
Anyway, bring me a glass of that black piss you're
serving!
(STUBB with a nod of his head transfers
the order to one of the other waiters)
Electing me 'Dog' : What a name!. 'Dog'
STUBB :
(with a laugh) It was your name! We'll spell God the
w rong way round, you said!
FAWCETT:
(to STUBB. and the customers) He's çertainly that!
God the wrong way round!
DOG:
(suddenly dangerous) Meaning I'm the devil?
FAWCETT:
(backing up) I didn't meàn exactly that!
(furious) You think you're strong - what's strong about
signing up for volunta: ary imprisonment in a place like
this for five years
(rhetorically) without a prison,
without a sentence, without a crime! (looking to the
customers to share his exasperation)
STUBB:
(with mock seriousness) It takes strength don't it?
DOG:
No, it's just pigheaded and proud, that's what! It's
just conceit! And when you get back to Pas and plant
yourself in Amy's whorehouse and don't need your
trousers for a week : - :
STUBB :
(laughing with the customers) That's good!


DOG:
Who's going to look at you ? Who's going to
remember? Who'll even know your name ? Can you
tell me that? Will Amy be there ? They'll all be
dead! The saloon won't be there where you threw the
dice! 'Five years' :
(DOG's red wine arrives)
FAWCETT:
(putting it before him) That's the beauty of it. Our
names are writ in water, like they used to say down at
Pas.
(DOG stares at the wine as if insulted,
then takes hold of the glass)
DOG:
That's right - - talk to me about beauty!
(He drains the glass in several gulps)
(gasping as he lays down the empty glass) Piss! A sick
man's piss! (to himself) 'Five years' : Five years of
pelt-trapping! Where's it going to get you ? I'll tell
you where! Where it got the boys at. Gillis' S Grave,
down at Manson Creek!
FAWCETT:
What's that ?
DOG:
Never hear ?
FAWCETT:
DOG:
(talking to the customers now, at his own table and
sometimes all round, telling them the tale confidentially)
There was a couple of trappers
they'd been trapping
ten years or more. Found dead, sitting up against a
tree, side of a dead fire, froze stiff, covered over
with autumn leaves, they 'd been sitting there a long time,
all winter long
FAWCETT:
Yes, I think I heard
DOG :
There was a rusty frying pan by the fire. A few yards on
there was the other guy
FAWCETT:
(as if to help the customers get the story) Another
trapper? There was three ?
DOG:
That's right. He was leaning against a tree, too. His
gun was cocked, none of the bullets was fired. Not a
mark on their faces. Just sitting there. (nodding
seriously to the customers round him) Their hut was


DOG:
fifteen miles down the valley. The door was swinging
(contd)
open., There was a bundle of letters nailed to the
table.
STUBB:
What did the letters say ?
DOG:
They was eaten by rats.
STUBB:
How did they get nailed to the table ?
FAWCETT:
The guys didn't have any rat-food and the rats had
to eat something! (cackling with laughter)
DOG:
(with disgust) That's why you're never Dog!
FAWCETT:
Why ?
DOG:
Because you can't be damned-well serious. You've
got that cackle at the end of everything - (imitating
him) ha, ha, ha! IfIdo go bushed it'll be your long
face sent me!
FAWCETT:
You was bushed before you ever set foot in here, mate!
DOG:
I was bushed to set foot in Amy's whorehouse and get
to know you!
STUBB:
(smiling at the customers as he moves among them,
clearing ashtrays etc.) You and Long Martin had just
sold two hundred fox at Eskimo Point for eighteen
hundred dollars, remember, Dog? ?
DOG:
(relaxing) We could have got double the price at
Churchill!
STUBB:
(with a wink) But you was in a hurry wasn't you, mate ?
DOG:
Yes!
STUBB:
That's right!
DOG:
The biggest let-down I ever had was when they found
radium at Echo Point. (involving the customers round
him, confidentially) I must have walked over that
ground about fifty thousand times! It took five pounds
sterling to have a bit of pitchblend ore assayed in
them days and I didn't have it I didn't even have a
couple of cents! That was a big rush!
(FAWCETT and STUBB join in)


ALL:
Eldorado Gold Mine Shares went up to eighteen
shillings a share! They all came in aeroplanes, all
the de luxe prospectors!
(As STUBB and FAWCETT say' this with
DOG they make precisely the same
expression of face and intonation. DOG
is unaware of them and nods to himself
before he speaks again, still supported
vocally by the other,two)
That's right!
STUBB:
(still ribb ing) And how,'s Dave over at the shop, Dog?
DOG:
STUBB:
Did you see M rs. Dave ?
DOG:
STUBB:
Where'd you kip down, Dog?
DOG:
(with disgust) In the shop. Behind the grain. Where he
keeps the rats!
FAWCETT:
And you didn't even glimpse her ?
DOG:
Disappearing round the side of the hut. Least, I thought
so. He just calls her Mrs. Dave I reckon.
FAWCETT:
They're not married ?
DOG:
Married ? He. said she was a schoolteacher, come from
Winnipeg, to help him with the kids. He never clapped
eyes on her before!
STUBB :
But he calls her Mrs. Dave.
DOG:
She didn't come out and shake me by the hand, that's all
I know! That's just like him keep her back like
that! And she wears the trousers, that's for SU ure.
She calls the price, too, and it's double what I ought to
pay, I swear. I don't go across that valley often. It's
a twenty-mile hike! And if you don't keep to the path
(A shot, off)
DOG:
(jumping up furiously) She's shootin' for Christ sake!
Dave's whore! Like a man: (turning to STUBB like a


DOG:
huge child) She's laying trap-lines like a man
(contd)
but she couldn't come and shake me by the hand --
STUBB::
(laughing) OK, OK, take it easy!
(STUBB and FAWCETT shake their heads
at each other)
DOG:
What's she shootin' at -- - can you tell me that ?
STUBB:
(with a wink at FAWCETT) A timber-wolf.
DOG:
A timber-wolf my arse! So that's how it's going to
be from now on - - showin' us she's there! A woman!
In trousers! Talkin' with a gun!
STUBB:
You're bushed! (among the customers) Bushed!
DOG:
'Woman' : It's nowhere I can see! It's just rolls
of fat!
FAWCETT:
(with burlesque interest) Is that how she looks ?
(as DOG shrugs) I think she's thin, with glasses on - -
(gazing before him)
STUBB:
(joining in) And I agree with Dog - - I think she's fattish
fattish with lovely big tits -
DOG:
That's enough! (contemptuously) Stop thinking
thinkers! (striding up and down) That's no woman! A
woman carries her flesh, well, like a kind of angel.
Like we was reading about, remember ?
FAWCETT:
(to STUBB) It's always angels or something! Angels
are men!
DOG:
Angels are any sex!
FAWCETT:
Angels ? They're boys!
DOG:
Tell him, Stubb!
STUBB:
I seem to remember they're both. Gabriel, like we was
reading was he a he or a she ?
FAWCETT:
A he.
STUBB:
The two fallen angels, that sta rted up hell, was wafnen.
I seem to remember.
DOG:
(striding again) Women! I've seen women in my day :


DOG:
(to FAWCETT) Remember Flaming Ethel down at
(contd)
Pas ?
FAWCETT:
(encouraging him) Do I:
DOG:
(to STUBB) She used to keep the most miniaturest
revolver you've ever seen in her stocking, and she
never took it out, it was there all the time and you
had the feeling it might go off if you rocked about too
much - I 1 . Remember that ?
FAWCETT:
(side-smiles at STUBB) That's right.
DOG:
But as for Dave's whore! - she lays white traps!
STUBB:
You're bushed:
DOG:
I've seen white traps in the valley in wintertime, who
else would lay 'em but a schoolteacher from Winnipeg ?
(STUBB and FAWCETT laugh together,
shake their heads)
STUBB:
(to irritate DOG) What's wrong with a white trap any -
way ?
DOG:
(stopping) What, using strychnine ? you approve of
that ?
STUBB:
(for the argument, with a wink to FAWCETT) You know
it yourself, mate
the animals suffer in a normal
clean trap, they bite off their own legs, they starve to
death, they're eaten alive by their own kind, sitting
in a trap like that for days. I reckon a real man don't
do that, for money or anything else.
DOG:
(with sudden suspicion, stiffening) So that's it? I've
heard you use them words before - - : (squinting across
at STUBB, tensed) Should we all be sitting down in
Montreal w.riting accounts - is that it?
STUBB:
What are you talking about, Montreal ?
DOG:
(approaching him) I'm not quite a real man is that
it? Because I lay normal traps, I don't lay strychnine
traps for the other animals to pick up, the husky dogs
and the mooses and the bears!
FAWCETT:
He didn't mean that!


DOG:
(stealthily taking a shot-gun from near the piano)
Keep your mouth shut!
(DOG moves towards STUBB, staring at
him all the time, among the customers)
DOG:
(close to STUBB) I know what's in your mind! You
mean I'm a pouf eh ?
FAWCETT:
(behind them) Drop that!
(STUBB has his eyes fixed on the gun,
in doubt as to whether to laugh or run)
STUBB:
(b: acking) Dog!
FAWCETT:
(as DOG points the gun) Drop it! I'll call the landlord!
(DOG breaks the gun open and feeds it
with a shell in his pocket. He then begins
to sight the gun calmly on to STUBB)
STUBB:
(wide- -eyed at the muzzle of the gun) Now then, Dog .
Make him put it down, Fawcett!
FAWCETT:
It's only a spoof -
DOG:
(whipping round) What's that ? Did you say pouf ?
FAWCETT:
(terrified too) I said spoof! Spoof!
(Meanwhile STUBB tries to get away
between the tables. DOG chases him.
STUBB falls on his face and DOG
kneels, then aims the gun up his arse)
DOG:
Right now (bending to fire) here it comes! Try to
stub this one out!
(He is about to pull the trigger when
another shot is fired, off.
DOG and FAWCETT stare at each other,
then behind them at the area of the
shot. It looked just as if DOG had
fired that shot.
STUBB remains absolutely motionless
on the floor, as before, in a crouched
position. They stare down at his form
with a certain fascination. Then STUBB
begins letting out a strange choked cry
which gradually becomes a desperate
yell.


FLAMING ETHEL and AMY dash in)
ETHEL:
What the hell's the matter ?
(STUBB's yells subside into spasmodic
sobbing sounds, but he remains exactly
where he was on the floor. They all
stare at him.
DOG touches STUBB gingerly on the
backside with the tip of his toe,
experimentally)
STUBB:
(starting) No! No! No more, mate, for Christ sake!
FAWCETT:
(bending over STUBB and speaking quietly) Get up,
mate. Everybody's watching. He didn't fire.
ETHEL:
(to DOG) Just you give me back that gun, it belongs to
the landlord!
(DOG hands her the gun sheepishly)
STUBB:
(feeling himself) I've got a scorching sensation in
my arse!
AMY:
You might have killed him:
ETHEL:
It's got no firing pin let alone bullets! Like the man
himself : (glaring at DOG) (taking out the blank and
throwing it towards STUBB) It's a blank, like he'sa
blank! Come on, (to AMY) let's give 'em a number,
or we'll lose all our custom! (to the customers)
All right, sweethearts, this is one about guns, I mean
real ones, ones that shoot to kill or at least to wound,
but they have to be in the hands of REAL MEN, like the
one who wounded me -
(THIRD NUMBER, about a gun-man who
broke ladies' hearts.
DOG returns glumly to his table among
the customers, to watch the number,
while STUBB and FAWCETT return to
their duties as waiters.
During the ensuing dialogue, while the
number is on, AMY and FLAMING ETHE L
frequently try to drown the men's voices,


make faces at them, show their back-
sides to them, blow raspberries)
FAWCETT:
(to STUBB) I'll never forget that! (imitating STUBB
and cackling with laughter) 'Oh Christ! Oh Christ,
he's done it, mate!' 'Oh Christ, Oh Christ!'
STUBB:
There's no need to mock.
DOG:
(turning his gaze from FLAMING ETHEL to STUBB)
I just raise my gun and you go like that!
(DOG looks round among the customers
for support)
STUBB:
(also looking for support) A gun's a gun, you know.
(to the customers) I thought that was the end of Joe
Stubb all right! (to FAWCETT) And I had this scorch-
ing sensation in my arse!
DOG:
(appeasing) You're suggestible, that's all, mate.
STUBB:
But you was pointing a gun at me!
DOG:
I wouldn't have fired! Of course I wouldn't! (giving
this to the customers as a shared absurdity)
FAWCETT:
Your finger was on the trigger!
(They watch the last bars of the number
and FLAMING ETHEL takes her bow.
AMY goes on playing quietly while
FLAMING ETHEL comes among the
customers and exchanges pleasantries
with them, confides in them that 'these
three nutcases' get on her nerves, she
can't even get through a number, with
them in the audience etc. She takes an
order or two, gives herself a sip or two
of a customer's glass)
FAWCETT:
(to DOG) Nobody'd say you was a pouf if they'd seen
you with Flaming Ethel down at Pas, eh, Stubb ?
(with a wink)
STUBB:
That's right!
FAWCETT:
I heard she nearly pulled her pistol on you in the act!


FAWCETT:
And she said, 'Do you want my blood as well ?'
(contd)
Do you want my blood!
DOG:
(delighted with the bogus memory) That's right!
FAWCETT:
That was the time Long Martin jumped over a cubicle
and landed on May and a de luxe prospector from
Winnipeg! He was blind that night! He said the
prospector had her knickers and high-heeled shoes
on and was painting his cock with her rouge-stick!
DOG:
(chuckling) With her rouge stick!
FAWCETT:
They used to charge all-night prices there! Rose
never would take an all-night customer if she could
help it. Remember that ? She said you had to be a
wife every time and she wasn't that unfaithful, not
to change husbands six times a week!
DOG:
She had a kind of a wit, don't you think so - Rose ?
FAWCETT:
She did!
STUBB:
Remember the guy who used to sit her on his knees
for a couple of hours and then go away ? They say
he had it shot away in the war!
FAWCETT:
He was scared of clap, that's all! He was pale, you
remember? His eyes moved a lot, they seemed to be
floating all the time very dark, very soft!
DOG :
(quietly, eyeing him in a perplexed way) You're talking
about Long Martin.
FAWCETT:
Am I?
DOG:
That's how the pimps start. No interest in sex!
FAWCETT:
I remember
DOG:
(with a dismissing gesture) Stop remembering
(STUBB and FAWCETT laugh together)
I want to talk about something serious. (as they give
him their attention again) Did you notice something ?
She's getting to see my side of things.
(They gaze at him in silence)


STUBB:
Who?
DOG:
Dave's whore.
FAWCETT:
What do you mean ?
DOG:
She fired off that gun just when she should have -
did you notice that?
(They stare at him)
(to the customers, with a confidential smile) They just
don't want to understand. (to STUBB and FAWCETT
again) All right, look at me if I'm crazy!
FAWCETT:
What are you talking about ?
DOG:
She fired to stop me firing!
STUBB :
You are bushed you know =
FAWCETT:
Who's the thinker now ?
DOG:
It's plain facts, not thinking!
FAWCETT:
(to the customers) Oh!
DOG:
(to STUBB) She fired to stop me killing you.
FAWCETT:
(with an amused glance at STUBB) Well
DOG:
I'm not sure, mind you
STUBB:
You're better in the wintertime, mate
not so jumpy!
DOG:
Well, that's true. (to the customers round him)
It's the angekok in me, I suppose. (seeming to hope
that someone will ask him what this means) That
means
STUBB:
(mechanically) Medicine man'.
DOG:
That's right. It was the longest apprenticeship I ever
served. The hardest too. When the Eskimo feels
he's been 'called' he retires to a lonely place
(still
to the customers) I chose Carlyle Street, Winnipeg - -
I didn't hardly speak to a living soul for two years or
more
I prayed and fasted until the Torngarsoak
appeared -
(STUBB and FAWCETT both recite the
next sentences with him, knowing it
all by heart)


ALL:
That's the Great White Bear. It came up in front of
the iron bedstand.
(STUBB and FAWCETT repeat DOG's
expressions of face and intonations
exactly)
Yet I wasn't surprised. He did everything they said
he would too. He ate me up and vomited out the
pieces, and these formed together again, and the
Great White Bear disappeared. They gave me a wife,
and I used to do all their healing after that. I swear
I had healing powers.
STUBB:
(after a pause, and with a smile to the customers)
Did you use the wife ?
DOG:
Not me. (to the customers round him) I've seen a
few white men go native. I didn't want the lice picked
out of my hair! And the stench of those pelts in the
igloos -- I never really got used to it
STUBB:
As long as you don't go into that Eskimo trance again,
eh Fawcett ?
FAWCETT:
I'll say! (to the customers) He looked like dead last
time.
STUBB:
(also to the custome rs) Scared the balls off me!
He sat there all day.
FAWCETT:
(for the customers) How do you fast at Carlyle Street,
Winnipeg, Dog ?
STUBB:
He means he didn't eat, only drank!
DOG:
(disregarding STUBB) If you eat nothing first thing it
shrinks the stomach. I did a few days like that, no
food and no drink, just living on cosmic rays, you
don't believe me do you ? Then I went on a jag
Saturday and Sunday, they were the finest jags I ever
had, I got so pissed you could see through my legs.
(to the customers at his own table) It's true. It used
to take thirty hours sleep tobring me round, and for
a week I couldn't say my name. But a jag never had
less effect on me in my life. That was the fasting.
I'll tell you something about fasting.
(Again STUBB and FAWCETT recite with
him)
ALL:
All your diseases come out backwards.


DOG:
That's right. You get a touch of all the diseases you
ever had, starting from the last one you had to the
first one when you was a baby . I started with a dose
of clap and ended up with a nappy rash!
FAWCETT:
(cackling) That's difficult to believe!
DOG:
(his fun spoiled by FAWCETT's cackle) It's true. Ask
anybody who's fasted. It purges you right through.
Ask any of the shipwrecked fellows, they'll tell you
they didn't even want to eat afterwards. The trouble's
eating again, you don't want it!
(Another shot, off)
(flaring up as if the shot was a personal insult) Now -- :
(DOG stands up, staring in the direction
of the shot.
STUBB and FAWCETT shrug towards
each other)
DOG:
(to himself) Well I did want to eat I suppose. I wanted
a jag, how's that ? (as if addressing the shot) Not
exactly food, but a prolonged jag. Now is that all right ?
STUBB:
Listen to it!
DOG:
I wanted a jag -- - to - - purge myself. It was part of the
fast, really. It's true!
(Another shot)
You bitch!
FAWCETT:
(ribb ing him) Is it true ?
DOG:
(wearily, letting himself down on his seatat the table
again, and addressing the customers round him, wearily)
No. I just wanted a jag, that's all. Just to get disgusting
drunk and flop out on a bed. Like suicide for half a day.
(gazing round at the customers closest to him with sad
eyes)
(No shots this time)
FAWCETT:
That seemed like the truth!
STUBB:
You're bushed!
DOG:
(eagerly, jumping out of his seat) I'll try and experiment,
I'll -- : (staring towards the shot-area)


STUBB:
Keep your hand off them guns, that's all:
DOG:
I'll see if we're tuned!
FAWCETT:
(to STUBB) What's he on about ?
DOG:
Fire - in ten seconds!
FAWCETT:
(quickly reading his watch) Five six -
(They wait. A shot)
DOG:
(jumping up and down) What was that - was that ten
seconds ? God above! Who's bushed now, eh ? I told
you I had powers!
STUBB :
Oh Christ!
DOG:
Wake up, Stubb! (again addressing the shots) Fire
when I say (turning to FAWCETT) Who was that in
the bible-reading 1 a'st night - - ?
FAWCETT:
What ?
DOG:
The guardian angel - - you said he was a man and
Stubb said she was a woman
FAWCETT:
Oh, Gabriel!
(An immediate shot)
DOG:
That's it! (wildly excited again) By Christ, I didn't
mean her to be that exact - I --- :
STUBB:
(shaking his head towards the customers) Look at it,
just look at it - :
DOG:
That's the name I meant : - I meant her to fire on
Gabriel - - :
(Another shot)
STUBB :
(converted) Blimey!
DOG:
(beyond himself) That's it! That's it! Oh Christ that's
FAWCETT:
(wary) Listen you'd better stop - :
DOG:
Gabriel! (a shot) Gabriel: (a shot)
FAWCETT:
(frightened) Now shut up!


DOG:
FAWCETT:
Shut up! Do you hear? You'll have the landlord
DOG:
(panting with excitement) OK but don't say I'm wrong.
(to STUBB) Who's wrong about the shots eh ?
FAWCETT:
Just calm down! If it's true or not don't make any
difference - just calm down!
(DOG settles in his seat again, puffing,
wiping his forehead.
Silence, and STUBB and FAWCETT are
a little more thoughtful as they work
now)
(almost to himself) That's - impossible
DOG:
Impossible ? I told you the story of Gillis's Grave -
strange things happen here - 1
FAWCETT:
OK, OK!
DOG:
(still excited) Letters eaten away by rats - not a mark
on their bodies
door leaning open! Rusty frying pan!
STUBB :
Funny we should have talked about Gab - :
FAWCETT:
Ssssh!
DOG:
What ?
STUBB:
FAWCETT:
Stubb :
STUBB:
(almost whispering) Gabriel!
(A shot. He jumps)
Blimey!
DOG:
There!
STUBB:
(again, this time to himself) Blimey!
DOG:
(to FAWCETT) Don't talk to me about impossible
after that!
(FAWCETT steels himself)


FAWCETT:
Gabriel!
(A shot)
(to DOG, excited) You may be right she's over
there looking after us! Sending us messages!
DOG:
That's right! What did I say' ? (to STUBB) You
wouldn't believe me! (shouting) Gabriel!
(A shot)
FAWCETT:
Gabriel!
(A shot)
DOG:
(hilariously) Gabriel!
(A shot)
STUBB:
Gabriel!
(Silence. STUBB looks round
suspiciously)
Gabriel!
(Silence again)
(turning on them) You rats! Trying to edge me out!
(shouting at the top of his voice) Gabriel! Gabriel!
Gabriel!
(A shot)
DOG:
At last! (encouragingly) How's that, Stubb, eh ? I
knew you could do it!
STUBB:
(exhausted) Thank Christ! Thank Christ for that!
DOG:
She means us all - get that into your nuts! Now sit
down! (going to the ammunition chest and tapping
it, as he sits down squarely in the centre of it himself,
leaving little or no room for anyone else) Here!
(as the other two squeeze on to it at his side, so that
the very slightest struggle for position starts for a
moment) We can leave these other buggers to drink
their piss for a minute this is for you! News for
you! (looking from one to the other closely) Do you
get it?
(STUBB a nd FAWCETT are no longer in a


ribbing mood, but to all intents and
purposes in DOG's world, separate
from the customers now)
DOG:
Now it's begun to be clear to me that - this name,
this name : I won't say it - means something.
(STUBB and FAWCETT nod assent) Now I've got a
suggestion - - I don't know how you two'll take it.
FAWCETT:
What ?
DOG:
She the name she's bringing us closer - - she's
guiding us all the time to
(he stops)
FAWCETT:
Where ?
DOG:
It might be something - rich - and ma rvellous
I don't know! We've just got to wait and see.
(The enthusiasm of STUBB and FAWCETT
subsides. They look at each other across
DOG, and then at the customers, without
changing expression, simply using their
eyes.
Slowly they get up and go back to their
work among the customers, leaving DOG
on his ammunition chest still glowing
with enthusiasm.
There is suddenly a shot)
(jumping up, excited again) By Christ!
(FLAMING ETHEL appears)
ETHEL:
I gotit! I got the bullseye!
DOG:
(still in his world) I didn't say the word - - but I was
thinking it - (softly) by Christ!
(FLAMING ETHEL is joined by AMY.
They take no notice of DOG.
FIFTH NUMBER:
FLAMING ETHEL goes into her number
straight from her last word 'bullseye',
and this is a saucy song on a 'target'
theme.


In this number FLAMING ETHEL is
joined by STUBB and FAWCETT as
'targets'.
DOG goes slowly to his ammunition
box and, taking a pelt and covering
his shoulders with it, sits down, cross-
legged, and closes his eyes, with the
same radiance as before.
The number comes to an end and they
take their bow)
DOG:
(opening his eyes slowly during the applause) Thank
you, ladies and gentlemen! I asked a parson once
STUBB:
Oh Christ!
FLAMING
(to the customers as she comes down among them)
ETHEL:
'We was sitting in church one afternoon' - 1 .
DOG:
The sun was coming through the stained glass - -
ALL:
And I said, 'Isn't God's face in the moon, if so,
where's his feet ?'
DOG:
That's right. And he said, 'That's the face of man,
that's your face, son - : (livid) Trust a cockroach
to take the guts out of life!'
(He turns this on to FAWCETT, who is
also on his way back to the customers,
and FAWCETT seems to expect it)
AMY:
(to DOG) You shouldn't call clergymen cockroaches
- even defrocked ones - it's bad luck!
DOG:
They're both black (glaring across at FAWCETT)
and they always live where the stink is!
ETHEL:
( with a sigh) I wish there were real theatres to work
in! (to the customers round her, earnestly) Do you
think I'd be working among these madmen ? It's only
because the world came to an end. It did, you know.
You don't think I'd be sitting here, two feet from you,
do you? I'd have a dressing room, there'd be naked
light-bulbs all round the mirror, and I'd have a middle-
aged woman pinning me up and taking flowers in for
me, and champagne after the show.
DOG:
But you can't fool the Indians! I saw the White Bear


ALL:
(including FLAMING ETHEL and AMY) He ate me up.
In Carlyle Street, Winnipeg! And he spewed me out
again! For five years I told them all about their gods
I sat in their igloos!
DOG:
I knew more about their gods than they knew themselves!
I was the first white angekok - - and the last more likely!
FAWCETT:
Then the stink of moose got you down!
DOG:
I used to sit and talk about the sky. (to FAWCETT)
You've got nothing so peaceful in your life, you cockroach!
I used to talk about the Eskimo heavens - - T
FAWCETT:
(with sudden anger, whirling round) You could take that
away from an Indian just by snapping your fingers!
But you couldn't take away what I learned!
DOG:
About Jesus ?
FAWCETT:
That's it!
DOG:
It's God I'm talking about - not the King of the Cock-
roaches - :
FAWCETT:
You're a blasphemer!
DOG:
Blasphemer, my arse! If you want to have a peep at
Dave's whore why don't you slip across the valley
tonight and feast your eyes till dawn comes through ?
But don't expect us to burn your hands with flaming
logs this time! Or tie your hands and whip your back-
side! Sling soil all over your face! Eh Stubb ?
Remember that time he put a sack over his head and
sprinkled ash in his beer? He thought that's what
sackcloth and ashes was!
FAWCETT:
(to STUBB) What's he talking about ?
ETHEL:
(to the customers round her) The same every bloody
night! And they wonder why I carry a water-pistol
in my stocking! To cool the men off! I tell you all
men are crazy! Something happened in the world to
drive all men crazy! I squirt this little jet of water
on them and it goes down at once, and they get such a
funny look in their eyes! You can play with men how
you want to, if you know how to! I've played with so
many I've lost the spirit of the game. I never even
trouble to fill my pistol any more, is that right, Dog ?
Because what don't go up can't come down, can it?
Look at him, he'll be in his trance soon, then the
landlord'll be in!


DOG:
(to STUBB) You can talk to me about white-fox
farms, but it's them brought your prices down.
Not so long back beaver-pelts took thirty dollars a
piece, know that? All you get for the best prime
pelt of silver fox is seventy dollars nowadays!
And I remember selling two hundred low-grade
dark pelts one year for near on five thousand dollars
at Eskimo Point - - myself! Don't talk to me about
white-fox farms!
STUBB:
(with a wink at FAWCETT) Why, ; Dog you thinking
of going back to the pelt trade ?
FAWCETT:
(joining in) Where would you go ?
DOG:
(after eyeing them both for a moment) Little place by
the Peace River
STUBB:
He's got it all worked out!
DOG:
I figured it out like this. A place like Fort St. John
or Hudson's Hope, along the Peace River Valley.
You've got the whole of that boiling water -
STUBB:
Yes!
DOG:
All that power in the Peace River Canyon, you've got
prospects - - it's rich country - - you've got coal,
you've got timber, fur, bog iron, copper - - they say
there's still placer gold in the gravel-bars of the
river - - o
STUBB:
So what ? What about the dredging firms that lost their
money back before the war?
DOG:
What I say is there's prospects
there's riches all
round - I in the sky - - the water : the earth --:
Remember Fort St. John ? The Port Douglas Hotel ?
Barkerville ? Kelly's Hotel ?
(STUBB and FAWCETT join in mechani-
cally, together with FLAMING ETHEL
and AMY)
ALL:
Remember the tailings along Williams creek? I reckon
they turned that gravel over a million times polished
and bright it was, with turning over!
DOG:
That's right! Barker took six hundred thousand dollars
in gold, they say
ALL:
And laid the seed of British Columbia:


DOG:
Richfield - I Walker's Gulch = nuggets as big as your
hand: - Antler Creek = - Low Hee :
ALL:
Conklin's Gulch - Antler Creek - - Low Hee - Roger's
Restaurant - - the tin shop
the Occidentabotel -
the Brewery Saloon! Remember the old telegraphic
trail in the Arctic ? And the flowers ? The blue lupins,
the saxifrage, the forget-me-nots, the yellow Arctic
poppies ?
FAWCETT:
There's be people too!
DOG:
That's right! People you can talk to! Not people
swilling black piss for the hell ofit! And no more
of this Gabriel stuff - - :
(A shot. They all stop. FLAMING ETHEL
leans forward at her table. AMY,
still at the piano, looks across the tables
towards her with a certain fear)
ETHEL:
There's nobody out there!
FAWCETT:
(to DOG) Get off that bloody ammunition box, go on!
You'll drive us up the wall! You're too fond of that
kind of thing! It's like a black fuckin' hood over your
head!
DOG:
(with a peculiar glint of triumph in his eyes) We'll go
down and be among people
we'll go in the saloons,
play cards, we'll be luxury prospectors again
STUBB:
'Again' : We was never that even once!
DOG:
Like Fawcett said down at Pas, when we laid the bet,
our names are writ in water, remember that ?
FAWCETT:
(blinking) Did I say that ?
DOG:
Thank God for a little guidance, that's all: Something's
there call it a she -- - call it Gabriel!
(A shot. FLAMING ETHEL gets to her
feet)
ETHEL:
(quietly, to DOG) You play with fire, you do. Amy,
come out this way, come on.
(AMY comes down among the customers)
(as AMY joins her) Let's get out before the landlord
comes.


(They leave by the back)
DOG:
(continuing to talk to STUBB and FAWCETT) Call it
Dave's whore - - f e
FAWCETT:
Dave's whore don't exist!
DOG:
What does it matter, Fawcett ? - somethin's talkin'
to us! Now come on, get the lamps ready, Fawcett -
steam ahead I you want us in darkness tonight ?
(They both stare at him)
FAWCETT:
What's he talkin' about - lamps ?
DOG:
(to STUBB) Have a look at the cache we don't want
the whole grizzly population up them poles tonight
it seems Fawcett can't use grease!
STUBB :
(drifting back to the customers) Uccch:
DOG:
Anyway Mrs. Dave do exist! She come from Winnipeg,
so Dave said. She's so brainy she's evil, he said, and
very handy with a gun. Now there was another school-
teacher down at Pas too - had a big let-down in love,
so Long Martin said -
FAWCETT:
(cynically) Maybe they're the same bird in different
disguises!
DOG:
But Long Martin's a liar, as we all know. He's also
the biggest pimp in the North West Territories. He
runs three whorehouses in Fort Churchill alone, to
my knowledge. He found trapping was slow money -
he needed a lot of hot money, illegal. Flaming Ethel
says he pulled out a wad of fifty-dollar bills one night
threw it across the table -- said keep it. You don't
get that trapping! He didn't even want to lay her. She
says he didn't even have the rocks. (trying to hold
their attention as FAWCETT too drifts back to his
work) At Carlyle Street Winnipeg I got forty Christmas
cards one year! Remember that ? Kept them on my
dresser for three more Christmasses! Remember that
time we danced all night a new moon - when some
mail came up ? We got double price for our pelts and
nobody could tell us why! (to STUBB) Remember when
Fawcett brought that moose e-ram down and you hadn't
even seen it ?
(His eyes show a slow dawning disappoint-
ment as the others take no notice of him)


DOG:
(with sudden fury) Ever since you elected me Dog
(contd)
you've been giving me the glass eye! So find your-
selves another Dog, realists! And some other
dreams! (he closes his eyes deliberately, sitting
on the chest) It's time to recollect, boys!
FAWCETT:
Oh no! He's going into that bloody Eskimo trance!
It must be 10.20! (he consults customers' watches)
STUBB:
(going up to DOG) Come on, mate, get off your box
of poison, the landlord'll be round soon. And if he
finds that box he'll chew my balls off, not yours!
DOG:
(as if he hadn't heard) No Gabriel any more. (he
waits, and the others turn to see if there will be a
shot) Gabriel ? (silence) No Gabriel. Nothing there
any more. See that boys ? Nothing there!
(He closes his eyes again)
FAWCETT:
(to the customers) He's on the White Bear stuff again.
He's got to be spewed out in bits and then put together
again. And he's supposed to be sane! But I'll tell
you this. He's got more money in his pocket than
you or me. (sitting at one of the tables) He'll sell all
that poison before the night's out. And nobody even
knows his name.
STUBB:
One week he's Crampton. Then Bailly. Last week it
was Wickham. And Haines! Stornford! Stornford's
a favourite one. (to FAWCETT) Remember what he
said? 'The Eskimo trance is the death of the Torn-
garsock, which means the death of names!'
FAWCETT:
Who gives a damn ?
(STUBB gazes at the motionless DOG.
He returns to his work but turns round
to look at him again. He stands stock
still. Then he walks a couple of steps
towards him. Silence)
STUBB:
(softly) 'Ere.
FAWCETT:
What's up ?
STUBB:
He's not breathin'.
FAWCETT:
Don't tàlk tripe!
STUBB:
He's not!


(FAWCETT joins STUBB. Together they
stand staring at DOG)
FAWCETT:
Of C ourse he's breathing!
STUBB:
Maybe that's how the boys at Gillis's Grave went out!
Just - sat and died - -
(FAWCETT turns and stares at STUBB
with open mouth)
FAWCETT:
What you talkin' about ?
STUBB:
It's too quiet, mate. I don't like it.
FAWCETT:
He's spoofin' : - - like he always does! About Gabriel
too. Gabriel! Can you hear the shots ?
STUBB:
Take his pulse!
FAWCETT:
His pulse ?
STUBB:
I'm not touchin' 'im!
FAWCETT:
(drawing back) Nor me!
STUBB:
(grabbing FAWCETT urgently) You must have done the
last offices - - to the dead!
FAWCETT:
What are you talking about ? Are you all right ?
STUBB:
Was you a cockroach ?
FAWCETT:
A cockroach?
STUBB:
A priest!
FAWCETT:
I er - - I - - think so!
STUBB:
You're bushed!
FAWCETT:
Er put a glass under his nose I done that to - -
Bailly.
STUBB:
(screwing up his face) What ?
FAWCETT:
A glass.
(STUBB gazes round in a gingerly way,
and then stealthily takes a glass from
one of the tables. He polishes it care-
fully on his shirt. He approaches DOG
with some fear)


FAWCETT:
(whispering) Careful, Stubb! The last offices has got
to be careful!
(STUBB puts the glass under DOG's nose
with fear. Then he studies the glass
carefully, though he is afraid to get too
close)
STUBB:
He's - dead!
FAWCETT:
Christ!
STUBB:
Dog! Dog!
FAWCETT:
Dog!
(But they do not attempt to touch DOG.
They talk softly, intimately, close
together)
STUBB:
Suppose the landlord comes ?
FAWCETT:
We split!
STUBB:
And lose a job! It's not the job I'm struck on, it's the
perks that go with it.
FAWCETT:
But didn't he tell us he only dies for a time ? Then he
puts the bits together again!
STUBB:
Yes I think he did. (angrily) Now come on wake up,
you bugger!
(STUBB goes and shakes DOG violently.
As he does so he hears the chink of keys.
He stops. They are in DOG's pocket)
FAWCETT:
What's that ?
(STUBB seizes the bunch of keys from
DOG's pocket and holds them up before
him)
STUBB:
The gunshot keys!
(With sudden resolve they both heave
DOG off the chest and prop him up
against the piano, which sets the bass
drum and one or two other percussive
instruments in action. This alarms
them and they stand for a moment in
terror. But he slumps back and seems
to continue in his trance.


STUBB unlocks the chest and pulls out
a bottle of 'rye')
STUBB:
It's poison (holding it up to the light) but it's quick!
(contd)
(He wrenches off the cork and takes a
long swig)
(gasping) God save the King!
FAWCETT:
(seizing the bottle) Gimme! (taking a long swig too)
Sing your prohibition song!
STUBB:
(with great relish, an enormous smile on his face,
as he stands on the ammunition chest, grabbing the
bottle again) Four and twenty Yankees, feeling very dry,
Went across the border to get a drink of rye,
When the rye was opened, the Yanks began
to sing
BOTH:
God bless America but God save the King!
FAWCETT:
(peeping at DOG) 'Mrs. Dave's over there!' Mrs. Dave
don't exist! And last week it was Young Dave coming
up with a contract from Prince George to make us rich!
Talk about dreams! The week before that there was
radium in the valley! Then he was on the run - every
time Flaming Ethel came in he said, 'It's the cops, 1
and j umped into an ashcan!
STUBB:
That's where you belong, Dog, in an ashcan. (to the
customers) Shall I tell you something about Dog ? He
went native with the Indians. Ate moose-meat with his
hands, had the lice picked out of his hair. Lived in
their stink and liked it. He he
(lowering his
voice) came to my door in South London and said, 'I
hear you've bin getting rough with the wife again!'
'The wife?' I says. And the tears started pouring
down my face! He took me down the station and I told
him about - the reverend Fawcett - and he said - -
FAWCETT:
(screwing up his face and peering into STUBB's) What
you talkin' about, mate ?
STUBB:
(turning to FAWCETT with an imploring look) What did
you do it for, Fawcett ?
FAWCETT:
Do what for Christ sake ?
STUBB:
(with sudden fury) You dirty cassocky rat!
FAWCETT:
(backing up) What ?


STUBB:
There was a cassock upstairs
behind the door - - it
gave you a thrill with your cassock on you - - :
FAWCETT:
Eh ?
STUBB:
You was the lodger! Go on, deny it! The wife used to
say, I'll get that long black coat of his cleaned, that
funny black coat that reaches down to his feet. (pushing
his face into FAWCETT's) I notice you don't say no!
The same long face! The way you used to come down-
stairs, very soft -
You was the lodger, wasn't you?
(FAWCETT hesitates)
FAWCETT:
STUBB:
(more quietly) I knew it was you. I knew we'd meet up
again. It makes us brothers in a way!
FAWCETT:
Brothers ?
STUBB:
'Ere, Fawcett (taking his arm, glancing round
secretively)
what was she like ?
FAWCETT:
Who ?
STUBB:
My wife!
(FAWCETT stands there, perplexed)
Get on with it!
FAWCETT:
(with dry lips) Well er - - I used to come in -
STUBB:
(fascinated) Yes!
FAWCETT:
Start walking up the stairs
(with a helpless look
at the customers)
STUBB:
Go on!
FAWCETT:
She'd say, let me have your cassock for the cleane rs,
I'll come and get it - : And she used to - - come
and get it! Under the cassock!
STUBB:
(oreathless) Blimey!
(To find some relief STUBB takes a long
swig from the bottle. FAWCETT grabs
it and follows suit)
Come on, let's goand do some shootin' : He can sleep
a week if he wants to.


FAWCETT:
(going with him) Or a couple of years!
(They leave via the stage area.
DOG remains motionless. Silence.
There are suddenly two shots. DOG
wakes with a start)
DOG:
There, it's Gabriel back again!
(Another shot.
He looks round for STUBB and FAWCETT,
meaning to go on talking to them, and
finds they are not there.
STUBB and FAWCETT dash back,
panic-stricken)
STUBB:
'Ere! Dog - - : (stopping) Thank Christ! He's awake,
Fawcett! Did you hear them shots ? There's nobody
out there!
FAWCETT:
Not a living bloody soul!
DOG:
(with a smile) You don't have to worry. You need a
drink! (feeling in his pocket) Let me give you some of
my poison. (finding no keys) Why, you stinking lice!
(leaping up) Where's my keys ? (grabbing STUBB by
the neck) Where's the keys to my gunshot ?
STUBB:
I got 'em!
(STUBB pulls them out and throws them on
the floor. DOG grabs them, examines
them carefully. Then he looks at them
both)
DOG:
(imitating STUBB) 'Four and twenty Yankees!' Why
don't you do something new for a change ? 'God save
the King!' Ucch!
(He takes out a bottle from the ammunition
chest and tears off the cork. He then takes
an enormous long swig)
FAWCETT:
(suddenly) You big fat bearded pouf, it was you got us
into this! Suppose the landlord comes ?
DOG:
(smacking his lips) If this is poison, let me die tonight!
(taking another swig)
FAWCETT:
Something's got to come out of the silence, you said!
But what ? What ?


STUBB:
It was you said that, mate!
FAWCETT:
(staring at him) Me ?
STUBB:
That's right! You'd just been offered a job on road-
haulage and it scared the shit out of you!
FAWCETT:
Dog was offered the job - - :
STUBB:
Dog was working at the municipal = :
DOG:
(throwing the bottle away) Shut up!
STUBB :
(persisting as he backs away) Sewage department - - :
DOG:
To hell with your stories! 'Manson Creek' - 'Gillis's
Grave' how long are you going to cling to that one ?
FAWCETT:
It's your story! The rusty frying pan, the letters nailed
to the table eaten by rats - - that's all yours!
DOG:
And you believe it! You put your own lying stories in
my mouth and then say they're true! By God I'm going
to cast you two in the truth and leave you stinking of
it - - like men in a bog! Come 'ere! (grabbing them
both close) Shall I tell you what happened to the guys
at Gillis's Grave ? They just sat down and thought they
was dead -- and so they died and one of the guys -
I'll never forget it! - he was trailing a frying pan I -
he ran maybe ten or fifteen miles along the rim of a
hill, up the trap-line, behind the other guys, I remember
this frying pan clanging against the trees, it clanged
for ten or fifteen miles, along the rim of the hill - he
must have been strong - he must have had some con-
stitution - it was fear that gave him the strength maybe
his eyes was popping out of his head - 1 : You'd say
they died of cold - but they died of joy - - they reached
the snowline - I'll never forget that frying pan clanging
along
in the woods, on the rim of the hill, and
everything so clean, so cool, the further up you went,
the sounds so clear - : For fifteen miles! And then
the snowline!
(A shot, close by)
STUBB:
Jesus!
(They stand huddled together)
FAWCETT:
It's somebody moving!
DOG:
Ssssh!


(Another shot, closer)
FAWCETT:
It's the landlord: Split:
DOG:
He's come to shoot us! (at the top of his voice)
Come out you son-of-a-bitch, come on out!
STUBB:
They're surrounding us! He's brought the cops!
(A third shot, this time at very close
quarters)
DOG:
Let's get out of here! Come on!
(DOG an d STUBB make a dash for it,
via the stage area.
FAWCETT is left shivering with terror,
alone.
STUBB dashes back and grabs hold of
him)
STUBB:
(pulling him out) The frying pan! The frying pan!
(FAWCETT manages to grab the frying
pan by its cord as they rush out.
We hear it clanging along for quite a
while. Then there is silence.
FLAMING ETHEL appears from the same
exit carrying a bunch of letters. She puts
them down on the table as AMY goes to
the piano, and a BALLAD NUMBER
begins, telling a similar story to that
of Gillis's Grave, the only downbeat
number of the evening. At the end she
takes a long nail from between her breasts
and picks up the mail again, seeming
bored by the whole procedure)
ETHEL:
(to the customers) Why the fuck do I do this every night ?
A woman shouldn't be like that. A man said to me
once, just put this what I've got in my hand in a warm
place, girl, and I did, and So I never made it, not what
I was after, the dressing rooms and the flowers. I
just went on obliging men, like I am now. Amy? Have
you got the hammer' ? (taking the hammer from AMY)
You see, them la st shots never come from anywhere!
There's nobody in the shooting gallery, I swear that,
I look every night, so does Amy! And it scares me!
And Dog gets that little glint in his eye, as if he knows
all about it. So when he says put a nail through them


ETHEL:
(contd)
letters girl, I do it, because you never know.
(She drives the nail firmly through the
letters on to the table.
BLACKOUT)


ODANTI SCRIPT SERVICES,
41 - 45 Beak Street,
London, W.1.